Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S3E23 - How to Respond When Children Are Put in the Middle of a Divorce and Conflicting Messages

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S3E23 - How to Respond When Children Are Put in the Middle of a Divorce and Conflicting Messages · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I'm answering a question from C.
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  and
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  this is about
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  children going back and forth between mom and dad's house
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  and children coming back and sharing things that they were told.
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  At the other house
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  and dealing with the things that they're being exposed
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  to and some of the things that are not true
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  and just best practices of how to navigate and deal with that.
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  So,
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  see,
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  thank you so much for
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  the question.
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  I'm going to dive into that in just a minute.
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  I just wanted to pause before we do.
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  I hope that you all have a lovely New Year celebration.
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  As you are
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  wrapping up 2025,
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  I hope that you're able to look back
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  and celebrate your accomplishments
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  and
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  your investment in your children,
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  the ways that you've strived to make your family the best that it can be,
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  all of the time and energy you've put into the relationship with your children,
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  and then obviously all of the other
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  things to celebrate,
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  you know,
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  all the other gifts that you've been given in your life,
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  not related to parenting as well.
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  And then also as you look forward to 2026.
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  Thinking about what your goals are,
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  what you have in mind,
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  how you would like to continue
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  to pour into your kids and the relationships with them,
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  and striving to create the kind of family dynamic and environment
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  that you're proud of
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  and that you work hard to achieve
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  as you put all of these little things into practice.
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  So,
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  Thank you so very much for hanging out with me each week.
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  I'm very grateful for each and every one of you.
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  And as I kind of reflect on my 2025 going into 2026,
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  know that I'm actually very grateful that we're walking this journey together
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  and very much appreciate y'all and love you.
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  So,
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  Let me read parts of C's email and then we will dive in together.
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  Foremost,
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  I want to take a moment to thank you for all of the insight,
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  advice,
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  and encouragement you provide through your podcast.
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  Both of my children have been in play therapy for the last 7 months.
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  I hadn't anticipated how much this process
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  would shape not only their emotional world,
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  but also teach me new ways to understand and respond to them.
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  I'm realizing that play therapy isn't just supporting my boys,
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  it's prompting me to understand,
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  adjust,
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  and grow as a parent in the most beautiful and unexpected ways.
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  Let me pause there just for a brief
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  bit.
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  See,
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  I am so thrilled to hear that
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  you have seen how child-centered play therapy changes you.
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  We talk about that all the time.
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  When I coach therapists,
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  we are always talking about how
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  CCPT changes us as people,
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  and you can't help but become a better version of yourself.
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  By providing CCPT to kids.
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  So they're self-actualizing alongside of us self-actualizing.
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  And you just in that paragraph summarized that from the parenting side of it.
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  You're becoming a better version of yourself as your
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  boys are becoming better versions of their selves.
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  And it's because of child-centered play therapy.
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  So,
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  I'm so appreciative that you shared that,
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  and I just want to take a moment to celebrate that with you,
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  that they are healing,
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  you are healing,
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  and it's making all of you better.
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  So,
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  thank you for the transparency there.
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  So let me continue with some of the other parts of the email.
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  My boys are 5 and 7.
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  Their father and I are currently going through a divorce.
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  The dynamic between myself and their father is complicated and very difficult.
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  Their father refuses my attempts to co-parent
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  and refuses to participate in the regular parent meetings with the therapist.
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  I do not share details about the divorce with the boys,
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  but I have learned their father does.
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  Recently,
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  they repeated information that they would not know otherwise,
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  along with things that simply aren't true.
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  I do my best to respond in a way that
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  addresses their comments without involving them in the divorce details.
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  However,
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  this approach leads to them making comments like,
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  Dad always tells us the truth.
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  Dad says you lie,
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  you're a liar,
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  etc.
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  They're young kids,
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  and I try to remember that they're probably just repeating what they hear,
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  but it's becoming increasingly hurtful and difficult to hear them call me a liar.
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  What are some healthy child-centered ways
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  I can respond to my boys when they say these things?
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  Ways that help build and maintain trust and preserve their emotional safety
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  while not escalating conflict or criticizing their dad.
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  All right,
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  see,
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  thank you very much for this.
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  This is one of the most consistent issues
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  when we meet with parents.
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  We as CCPTs are pretty consistently
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  addressing a scenario like this.
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  It's,
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  it's almost
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  an inevitable outcome,
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  to be honest,
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  when there's a contentious divorce.
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  One parent usually feels like
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  they're trying their best to insulate the children and,
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  and isolate the divorce from
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  their children.
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  And the other one is kind of like roping them
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  in and involving them in either overt or subtle ways.
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  So,
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  I think this is actually a really helpful conversation for us to have,
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  and I'm really appreciative that you sent in the email.
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  When you are working really hard to make sure that you do not talk about
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  the divorce with the boys,
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  that is the most healthy response.
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  One of the things that sometimes gets lost in divorce is that
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  just because you and their dad
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  are having a hard time getting along and because you
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  and their dad are no longer able to coexist peacefully,
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  the children still are very much in a relationship with both parents.
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  They still love you and their dad.
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  They still care about you and their dad.
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  They're still emotionally invested in you and their dad.
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  And often I think sometimes what gets clouded
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  is
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  when parents are no longer wanting to be around the other parent,
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  it's easy to
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  act as if that's true for everyone.
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  And so I think it's actually very wise and
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  appropriate for you to shield them from that.
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  You don't want to have to
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  put them in a place where they are choosing sides.
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  You don't want them to feel like they're pitted against
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  a parent because of another parent.
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  You don't want them to feel like they're in the middle
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  or that they can't love one because they,
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  if they do,
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  that means they can't love the other.
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  There's all kinds of implications when the scenario unfolds that way.
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  As far as
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  dad bringing stuff in.
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  When your children bring stuff up that they should not know.
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  The very simple answer is.
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  You
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  are feeling
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  whatever their feeling is.
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  So if they're expressing a feeling,
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  you're going to lead with that.
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  You're upset,
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  you're angry,
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  you're confused,
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  you're worried,
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  you're whatever.
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  So,
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  if there is an emotion that you can identify,
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  lead with what they're feeling.
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  That's very important.
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  If there's not,
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  if it's just content,
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  if they just say something and there isn't
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  really an emotion that is readily identifiable.
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  Then you're going to say,
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  Oh,
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  you heard that from somewhere.
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  Factual declaration
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  of content.
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  Not accusing Dad,
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  not your dad must have told you that.
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  That's not neutral.
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  But
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  oh,
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  you heard that somewhere.
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  That's just a truthful statement.
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  But that's not something that kids need to worry about.
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  Or
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  that's an adult problem,
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  not a kid problem.
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  Or
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  that's something that
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  I can take care of.
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  You don't need to take care of that.
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  What we're trying to do is make it clear
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  that they do not have the burden and
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  responsibility for that information or the situation.
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  We're basically taking it off of their shoulders and we're making it very known
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  that
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  kids can be kids
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  and adults can take care of everything else.
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  That's a very important implication for children because
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  otherwise they end up feeling pressured and burdened
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  because of what they know and because of what they've heard.
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  So we're always trying to reassure them,
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  that's something that I'll take care of,
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  that's something that I'm handling.
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  That's a kid problem,
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  that's not a kid problem,
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  that's an adult problem.
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  We're trying to help them understand it's not their burden to carry.
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  That's a very helpful response.
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  And then when it leads to them saying,
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  dad always tells us the truth,
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  Dad says you lie,
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  you're a liar,
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  things like that.
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  You refute that very calmly.
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  And you said it's becoming increasingly hurtful and difficult for you.
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  Understandably so,
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  but you're on track with saying they're
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  repeating what they hear when they're young.
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  And so it's not personal.
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  It's not anything against you or about you.
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  They've been told something
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  and they've therefore formed an impression
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  you're going
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  to tell them the opposite.
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  You're going to say,
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  I don't lie to you.
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  I tell you the truth.
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  I don't make things up.
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  I'm not a liar.
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  I tell you the truth.
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  So you say it calmly and neutrally.
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  You're not refuting what
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  they've,
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  in other words,
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  you're not saying,
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  I'm not a liar,
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  that's different.
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  You say,
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  I tell you the truth.
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  I am truthful with you.
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  I am not lying to you.
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  Those are very important,
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  calm,
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  factual declarations
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  to counteract what they've been told.
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  And
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  one of the things that big picture you're doing.
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  is helping them actually take in conflicting truths
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  and make sense of it for themselves.
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  Obviously,
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  at 5 and 7,
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  they're young and it won't be fully developed for a while,
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  but the world is full of conflicting truths and conflicting messages.
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  And one of the things that we want our children to be able to do
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  is to take in those
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  bits of information and decide what to do with it.
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  And children
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  are usually pretty
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  aware,
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  pretty perceptive,
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  and pretty good judges of character.
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  So if you prove again and again that you tell the truth.
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  If you demonstrate through your actions and
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  through your words that you can be trusted
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  and that you're not a liar,
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  it will naturally sort itself out.
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  So proof is in
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  the behavior,
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  proof is in the evidence.
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  And if you consistently show them that there is evidence that you are truthful,
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  not that you're bringing that up,
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  like,
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  look,
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  see,
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  I told you the truth right then.
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  I don't mean like that.
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  I just mean
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  by the way that you live
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  and the way that you interact with your boys,
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  you're just truthful
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  and
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  you say what needs to be said and you say it in an honest way.
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  They will naturally start to make that connection for themselves.
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  So,
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  healthy child-centered ways,
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  reflect feelings when you can.
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  Reflect content neutrally.
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  And return responsibility
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  to adults.
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  And then make it very clear that you are truthful.
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  And the goal is always
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  you provide calm.
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  Uncharged,
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  unemotional responses.
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  That also solidifies truth for children
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  because if someone is angry,
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  if someone is emotional,
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  if someone's upset,
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  if someone is making accusations,
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  if someone is throwing out blame and judgment.
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  Those are
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  not calm,
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  rational moments.
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  If you remain calm and rational
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  when you interact with your boys.
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  They will naturally realize that
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  there's truth in the words
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  because it's really difficult
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  to not let emotions override what you say.
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  So if you are able to remain calm and neutral,
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  it's likely the truth.
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  So see,
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  I hope that that is helpful.
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  I hope that's helpful for all of you.
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  There,
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  it's not always necessarily a divorce situation,
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  but a lot of times kids are put in the middle of
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  things and kids are told things that they shouldn't be told,
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  and they're made aware of things that they shouldn't be made aware of.
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  And so these are challenges that we have to navigate.
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  So I'm really appreciative of the.
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  All right,
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  Happy New Year all.
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  I love you.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
• 12:21
  Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr.
• 12:25
  Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 12:29
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.