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Transcript

S1 Ep8: Marriage Secrets They Forgot to Share 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_06: All those years of being married and now it's over.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_06: So all those years of raising the girls and now the family's broken up.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_06: Right.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_06: So no more marriage?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_06: Nope.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_06: No more wife.
• 0:24
  unknown: No.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_06: What's it like?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, please let me live vicariously through you.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_06: Walter, divorce is not a good thing.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, you can't lie to me, asshole.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_06: So what happened?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_06: What happened, Walter, is that unfortunately in our country these days, more than 50% of marriages now end in divorce, and sadly, mine was on that side of things.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_06: You know, Jeff, I never thought I'd say this to you, but you're my hero.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_06: Come on, what's it like to wake up in the morning and not hate your life?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_06: To not think, oh, here she comes.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_06: You can leave your toilet seat up all the time.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_06: I'd hot glue line open for God's sakes.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_06: And then shit in the backyard.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_06: Just because I could.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_06: Walter, divorce is painful.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_06: Oh yeah, like a deep tissue massage.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_06: How long's it been?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_06: Almost three years now.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, okay.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_06: So you dating anybody now?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_06: Matter of fact, I am.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_06: Oh good.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_06: Female?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_06: Well, you neither know.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_06: Sometimes that's the problem.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_06: Honey, I got bad news and I got good news.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_06: Bad news is I want a divorce.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_06: Good news is I'm on your team now.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_06: Come on, let's knit, bitch.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_06: So this girl you're dating, is she the same age as you?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_06: No.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, so she's older?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_06: No.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_06: Younger?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_06: Yes.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_06: How much younger?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_06: Doesn't matter, guess it does.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_06: Come on, does she have nice boobs?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_06: But don't hang down past your knees?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_06: Your looms hang low.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_06: Do they all look yours, bro?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_06: Can you tie them in a nut?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_06: Can you tie them in a bowl?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_06: Can you throw them on their shoulder like a cobbler and a shoulder deal?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_06: Your chance all right.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_06: What do you hear a song like that?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_06: I didn't hear it, I wrote it, dumbass.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_06: But you never sung it to your wife every morning.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_06: It's not funny.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, even the dog laughs at that.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_06: That last part was me, I know.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_06: Oh do you make fun of your wife a lot?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_06: I know it's funny as hell, isn't it?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_06: You know, your wife is supposed to be your soulmate.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_06: You wanna be the pot or the kettle?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_06: You know, I saw an old photo of you and your wife.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_06: Your wife's quite beautiful.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_06: He saw an old photo.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I'm kidding.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_06: I know.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_06: I married a petite young beautiful thing.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, she's literally eaten by the woman I live with now.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_06: Look, Walter, I know for a fact that you love your family, you still love your wife, and I think that even at this age, every once in a while you should still try and be romantic with your wife.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_06: Good lord.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_06: Like how?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_06: Do you ever speak to your wife in a foreign language, like in French?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_06: Some women love that.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_06: I call her a French name now and then.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_06: Montcherry.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_06: Quasi Loro.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_06: So is there romance between you two?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_06: Well, not long ago, my wife left a trail of rose petals on the floor for me.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, into the bedroom?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_06: Right out the front door.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_06: You know, there are plenty of romantic places in this country you could go for a special time together.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_06: Like where?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_06: Top of the Empire State Building.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_06: Oh no, we tried that.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_06: A security guard took one look at her and went, uh-oh, King Kong is.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_06: See, just like that.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_06: You've been married for over 45 years.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_06: Have you ever said anything to your wife that you truly regretted?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_06: Oh yeah, will you marry me?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_06: I love you, shit like that.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_06: Come on, when your wife is in a romantic mood, you ever think about taking one of those little pills?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_06: Cyanide?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_06: Oh yeah, I do actually.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_06: Come on, what does your wife put on when she's feeling frisky at bedtime?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_06: Night vision goggles.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_06: Then she sneaks around the house and hunts my ass down.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_06: It is scary stuff, my friends.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_06: When was the last time you even put your arms around your wife?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_06: A couple weeks ago when she was choking on a piece of steak?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_06: You see there you gave her the heimlick.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, I know I was drunk.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know what I was thinking.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_06: I was so close.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_06: Maybe you could do something simple like watching a movie together.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_06: Oh no, every time we watch a movie she falls asleep.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_06: Then the next morning I have to drive back to the theater to pick her up and bring her home.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_06: Have you done anything fun in town here this week?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_06: You know I don't like getting out.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, you're a little bit of a hypochondriac.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, why don't you wear one of those paper masks?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_06: Why, it's taper, it can't stop anything.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_06: I mean, hell, the Constitution is tapering.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_06: It's never stopped our current administration.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_06: Just trying to get a read on the crowd tonight.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_06: So I take it you're not exactly happy with our government right now?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_06: Are you kidding me?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_06: Congress's approval rating is at 12%.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_06: Jokic has a higher rating than that.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_06: So you're paying attention to the presidential candidates?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_06: Oh yeah.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_06: How would you feel about a female president?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, fine with me.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_06: Just whoever it is make sure it's after she hits Nin Applause.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_06: Walter.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_06: What?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_06: I was there when my wife went through it.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_06: She had been president then.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_06: Holy crap! I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm screening, I'm clearly fucking Russia Lux! Can we talk a little bit more about Christmas?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_06: Whatever.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_06: So, uh, what did you get your wife?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_06: Uh mop.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_06: Well, you take the stick out, hey, it's a wig! Where are you shopping for your wife?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_06: At the 99 cent store?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_06: What'd you get your grandson?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_06: A sponge?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_06: That's not a toy.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_06: It is when you convince him it's sponge blob.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_06: What did he say to that?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_06: He said, SpongeBob is not blue with a scour side.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_06: I said, he is when he has an infection.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_06: Keep scrubbing.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_06: Walter, what were some of your favorite toys when you were a kid?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, nothing like today.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_06: What do you mean?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_06: Well, you know, they got on computer games and all that.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_06: We didn't have that stuff.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_06: No, no.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_06: Hell, we want to play tennis, we actually went outside and swung a racket.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_06: None of that wheelie crap.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_06: And playing the guitar, there were strings, not fucking colored buttons.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_06: Hello! And there were no shoot-em-up games, we actually went outside and killed the assholes.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_06: Um, I like the games when you shoot the aliens.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_06: Oh, we shot a lot of foreigners.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_06: Yeah, we did that too.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_06: But, Walter, come on, what about people of other religions?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_06: What the hell am I supposed to do?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_06: Walk around and ask everybody what they are before I say anything to them?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_06: But you're Catholic and you're Protestant?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_06: Well, Merry Christmas! You're Jewish, hang on.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_06: Happy What are you, atheist?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_06: Oh well, have a nice day.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_06: What was that?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_06: I couldn't understand what the hell he said.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_06: Hey, get back to me when you learn the fucking language.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_04: You know, I met my husband and I fell in love with him.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, and I'm just gonna tell you, I love, love, love my husband.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not embarrassed to tell you.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_04: I love that man, right?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_04: And I only tell you that because of the shit I'm about to say.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_04: Just because you love someone doesn't mean you don't see them exactly who they are.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_04: Because on paper, if you set us up, we're a perfect man.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_04: I told you, I'm 100% citizen.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_04: He's a first-generation Italian boy from Brooklyn, right?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_04: We like we should be perfect, but we're not.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_04: Because you want to know why?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_04: He is the nicest guy on the planet.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_04: He has the hope of a 14-year-old girl.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_04: Right?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_04: He believes everything is possible.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_04: And it is my job as a good wife to crush that rare.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_04: You are never gonna be a 47-year-old American Idol contestant.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_04: Get that shit right out of your head.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_05: Ridiculous.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_04: On the paper, we're a perfect match.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_04: Real life, not so much.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_04: It didn't matter when we were dating that he's messy and I'm clean.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_04: Crazy clean.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_04: Admittedly, I have a problem.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_04: I'm OCD.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_04: I watch hoarders and clean during commercials.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_04: So I'm afraid a dead goat's gonna fall through the television under 22 years worth of newspapers, and I will just burn the house down.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_04: That's what I will think.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_04: That's a very tiny thing to be clean.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_04: My grandmother was crazy clean.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_04: Wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, come back, your bed would be made.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_04: She'd be at you.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_04: You messy! You and the cockyeye, so messy.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_04: So messy.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_04: It's 2 30 in the morning, woman.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_04: I know, you hungry?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I could eat.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_04: I could eat.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_04: Whatever.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_04: We're just different in real life.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_04: It didn't matter when we were dating.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_04: It didn't matter that I have a master's degree and he has a GED.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_04: Not just a couple of a GED, he's got two because he sent away for an extra copy.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_04: Because a double major.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_04: It only matters now because I uh we have our kid.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_04: Our son is four years old, right?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_04: I want to send him to preschool.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_04: My husband goes, what do you want to do that for?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_04: For that, right there.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_04: How about that?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_04: Exhibit A.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_04: Huh?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_04: I gotta put a little purple berrette up here?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_04: What do you want?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna stake my case.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_04: It's insane.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_04: We're you know, and if you find a funny, trust me and believe me that it will find you.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_04: Because when I go to sign my four-year-old for preschool, I happen to find the one preschool in our area that not only do you have to fill out an application, you have to write an essay to get a child into preschool, an essay.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_04: And I'm gonna tell you something.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_04: If my essay can't get my son into that preschool, I will get an essay.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_04: I will get a Mexican gang member to terrorize that school boy.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_04: Four-year-old is getting into that school.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_04: I took it way too seriously.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_04: I was a student for too long.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_04: I wanted to write this beautiful essay.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_04: I got so nervous the deadline was coming up.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_04: My husband goes, I'll write it.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_04: No.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_04: Not only will he knock it in, we'll lose custody.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_04: It's not happening.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_08: Have you ever seen somebody at the grocery store?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_08: You ever seen a fella in there staring at a head of cabbage?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_08: I was up there one time, I seen a dude all by himself staring at a head of cabbage.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_08: I got a theory about that.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_08: That guy's wife sent him up there to get a head of lettuce.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_08: All cabbage oughta come with a label on it that says, This is not what your wife wants you to buy.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_08: Three days before Thanksgiving, my wife sends me up to the grocery store to get some yams.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_08: 45 dagum minutes.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_08: I'm looking for yams.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_08: I can't find a dagum yam.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_08: I come home, I said they ain't got no yams up there.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_08: He goes, You mean to tell me three days before Thanksgiving, they don't got no sweet potatoes at the grocery store?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_08: I'll be right back.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_08: When I'm on a diet now, I'm eating nothing but fruit loops, but my wife has me on a wife has me on a diet now where I can have one cheap day.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_08: So I can have a hamburger with the cheese and the bun.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_08: One day a week.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_08: Or anytime I drive by a fast food restaurant when she's not with me in the car.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_08: She's a stickler too, I'll tell you what.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_08: She'll be up here sleeping at 2:30 in the morning.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_08: The dog goes down there bark at the door for 10 minutes.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_08: She don't hear nothing.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_08: She's racked out.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_08: I gotta go down there and let the dog out.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_08: So the next day I go down there, I'm kinda hungry.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_08: I pour a little bowl of Captain Crunch down there.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_05: I hear it, get out of Captain Crunch!
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_08: What the hell?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_08: I should have barked when I poured that Captain Crunch in there, but I shouldn't have.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_08: It starts getting old and fat I'd say.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_08: I remember when my beard turned white, my my my wife was like trying to comfort me.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_08: Oh, that's okay, honey.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_08: I like somebody with a little salt and pepper in their beard.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_08: Made me feel a little better.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_08: Then she goes, it's the corner in your teeth that's disgusting.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_08: I was gonna say broccoli, but none of y'all believe I eat broccoli.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_08: All right.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_08: You went upside down.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_08: I get done, I go, you didn't tell me you went upside down.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_08: The guy running it goes, it's not supposed to.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_08: How about that Ferris wheel?
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_08: You like that Ferris wheel?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_08: Who me either.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_08: Oh yeah, the Ferris wheel.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_08: That's a lot of fun, isn't it?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_08: Nothing I like better in the whole world than being completely bored and terrified at the same time.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_08: Which, by the way, is the same thing my wife told me on her honeymoon right there.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_08: You ever get stuck on the Ferris wheel?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_08: Oh man, I was up here with my kids, we were stuck, they was crying, freaking out, trying to calm them down.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_08: Don't worry, kids, we'll be alright.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_08: I'm sure that guy running it with seven fingers and a pentagram tattoo.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_08: My wife likes to go with me when I go to Las Vegas because she likes to go see the Chippendales.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_08: You know why she likes going to the Chippendales?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_08: She didn't marry very good.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_08: She married a Chunkendale.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_08: She gives me money to put my clothes back on, but she doesn't.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_08: I had to go get a flu shot one time.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_08: I didn't want to go to the doctor, and my wife goes, Well, shoot, run up to Walmart.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_08: They're giving flu shots.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_08: Are you kidding me?
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_08: I ain't getting a flu shot at Walmart.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_08: That gum, normally I gotta get vaccinated before I go in there.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_08: Get a flu shot at Walmart.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_08: The flu's the last thing I'm worried about at Walmart, all right?
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_08: That gum, they probably got Ebola behind the box in there somewhere I didn't know about.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_08: I was up there one time, there's a dude up front in a hazmat suit.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_08: I'm like, is it safe to go in there?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_08: He goes, yeah, why?
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_08: I go, you're in a hazmat suit.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_08: He goes, I know I work here.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_08: I'm collecting the carts.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_03: My husband is very smart and very quiet and an introvert and does very well and um uh and then married me.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_03: And and we've been exactly the opposite, but it has worked.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_03: Um he's a big man, he's 6'4, he can kick a door in, and I like that.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_03: Um he works like a dog and he loves a baby.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_03: Let me tell y'all that he is a baby cuddler at Easton City Children's Hospital.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_03: He cuddles the drug dependent babies every week of the world as a volunteer.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_03: Oh no, sweet.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_03: He didn't help me with mine.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_03: Because he was out making a living and paying for all this.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_03: We've got two still in college, and and I wanted a fourth baby so bad when my baby child went to kindergarten.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_03: I nearly grieved myself to death.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_03: I thought, Lord, what am I gonna do with all this time on my hands?
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_03: I hope I don't get hooked on whiskey and start honky-tonking.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_03: And about three weeks into her going to kindergarten, I was like, wah-hoo! Whoa, now I can go get a pap smear without somebody sitting on my head.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_03: But my husband, when I dropped her off, we he said, meet me at the uh.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_03: Because he knows that pancakes get me through a hard time.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_03: And I was crying, and and I said, I want another baby.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_03: And he said, Why don't you get a job?
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, right.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_03: So I said, I want a fourth baby, and he said, Y'all are sucking the financial life out of me.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_03: So he bought me a dochin.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_03: I had that dochin for years, she's gone now, but let me tell you, she and I both got thyroid issues.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_03: She had cushions.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_03: I was walking her in our neighborhood one day, and a little girl came out in her driveway and she said, Can I pet your groundhog?
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, y'all.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_03: So, about my husband.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_03: All right, so my husband is a big man and is 6'4.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_03: I'm 5'8, we breed big kids.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_03: And um, and we wanted them to be in sports and when they were growing up, and so we made them do all kinds of mess they didn't want to do.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_03: And we put our boy, when he was a little bitty, we put him in t-ball.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_03: He hated it.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I don't know if any of y'all have had a baby play T-ball, but for those of you who don't know, T-ball season, it's about 110 degrees outside.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's little children that are four, look like they've got a diaper on under their baseball pants or a pull-up.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_03: Um, the games last about three hours.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody ever hits the ball, throws the ball, catches the ball, makes contact with the ball.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_03: My baby laid in a fetal position in the outfield the entire season.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_03: He never touched a ball.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: Every once in a while he'd pop his little head up and say, Water.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_03: One game it was so hot, and I tell I told the middle one to go out and take her brother's water bottle.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_03: She was about two and She went walking out there with a tuto and a crown and a wand and her paint prostitute shoes for more.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_03: Hold her little pants to the sun and put it in the table.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_03: So I had to run out there and get a stick and flick it into the wood.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_03: Cause I didn't want another child to step in it.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_07: Or think it was a milk gun.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_07: Something as easy as going through the drive-thru with my wife, it becomes a thing.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_07: And I try to be nice, right?
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_07: I try to be patient.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_07: I try to get on top of it.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_07: Hey, baby, be ready.
• 22:55
  unknown: Okay.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_07: One more car, it's gonna be our turn.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_07: Know what you want.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, well, what do they have?
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_07: What do they have?
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_07: It's McDonald's.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_07: It's the same thing since we were four.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, it's our turn to order.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_07: She acts like she's never seen this menu.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_07: She has to lean over me.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_07: Do they have whole wheat buns?
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_07: Whole wheat buns?
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_07: We're about to eat trash.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_07: It's garbage.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_07: You can't take whole wheat buns and then pick stuff out of the garbage and then put buns around it and make it healthy.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_07: I don't say that because I love my wife.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_07: What comes out of my mouth is you have whole wheat buns?
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_07: Look at that, baby.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_07: They have whole wheat buns.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, okay.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_07: I'll have nuggets.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, it's not her fault.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_07: She blames her sign.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_07: I'm a Virgo.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_07: I'm sorry, that's how Virgos are.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, even a nice restaurant, and we try, you know, we try to go on date nights.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_07: Even the nice restaurants becomes a thing.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_07: We get dressed up as soon as we sit down.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_07: You want to share a salad?
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_07: Wouldn't it be nice if the two of us shared a salad?
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_07: No.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_07: When have you ever seen me get off the couch, go to the kitchen, chop myself up a salad, and then give you half?
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_07: I don't say that, it's in my head.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_07: What comes out of my mouth is yes.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_07: She orders the salad that we're supposed to share.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_07: The waiter says, rancher blue cheese, and she looks at me like I have the answer.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_07: I picked the salad.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_07: I know not to answer.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_07: But then I think to myself, well, maybe today's my day.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_07: Maybe today I get to make a decision for us.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_07: You know what, buddy?
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_07: We're gonna do blue cheese.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_07: No ranch.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_07: You gotta laugh, though, I'll tell you that.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_07: If you want to make it in marriage, you better be able to laugh.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_07: And if you can't laugh, call it a day.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_07: My wife is funny, man, and it helps.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_07: My wife made me laugh so hard one time I almost wrecked the car.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_07: I had to do a radio interview at six o'clock in the morning.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_07: I work at night.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_07: I told the wife, I said, Why don't you come with me?
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_07: You can help me drive back.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_07: My wife said, Okay.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_07: I'm driving back, right?
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_07: And my wife goes, Are you okay to drive?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_07: I said, Yeah, I'm good, but I can use a red bull or a monster.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_07: And I turn around and she goes, Rah! You scared the crap out of me.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_07: You almost killed both of us, and that is hilarious.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: This guy, I don't know how he grew up.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like maybe they're on a budget or something.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_01: But like he comes to me the other day, he's like, hey babe, can't use a toothbrush real quick.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: I said, what?
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's the option for you?
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're thinking about it.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_05: Sack.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, what?
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: Just like kissing.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_01: We kiss it the same thing.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_01: I do not scrape off your tartar with my tongue.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I know I'm pretty amazing.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm almost positive I cannot prevent cavities.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: My husband likes to leave his shoes right in the middle of a walkway.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like as soon as you open the door, boom, shoes.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: Now you couldn't kick them off to the side.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: That was hard to do.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: So all throughout the house, I just trip over shoes like, oi, slutty dog.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: We're still real new, so like I still try to look cute when I sleep.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'll probably grow out of that one real quick.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: But right now I still try to look cute, right?
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_01: But it's kind of hard because I sleep with Invisalign trays in my mouth.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: So sometimes when I wake up, my lip will get stuck to the plastic tray.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_01: I wake up looking like Fire Marshall Bear.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like full on, let me show you a shutdown.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_01: Face will be all greasy.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's not cute.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: So when I feel myself starting to wake up, like I'll fix my lip real quick.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_01: I put grease on my lip like it's gloss.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_01: Make it work.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_01: Make it work.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: And we're pretty good with decision making, right?
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like he'll come to me with stuff, I'll come to him with stuff, like teamwork, you know.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: But uh every now and then he'll try to go off and do his own thing.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like uh recently we just bought some curtains for the house.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I told him, I said, when you're at the store, take a picture of him and send it to me before you buy it, right?
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: But he forgot that part.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_01: So I came home to these gaudy Armenian curtains hanging in my house that are like two feet too short.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_01: I got high water curtains.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: And the first thing my brother came over the house, he's like, uh, why you got capri pan curtains?
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_01: My husband and I travel a lot for work.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_01: He travels with music, I travel with jokes.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes I go to like some small town, like nobody has ever heard of this town.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like these people haven't even heard of their own town.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: And when you fly into a small town, you have to fly on a small plane.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I went to a town recently where the plane I was on, I don't even think it had an engine.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm pretty sure it was a paper plane.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like it just had two propellers out front.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like, as you step onto the plane, you had to take turns spinning the propeller.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it's the price is right.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_01: I checked my seat assignment, it says shotgun.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_01: They had one flight attendant, she was wearing regular clothes and a name tag.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, real suspicious.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I fly a lot, so I'm used to the way things work on an airplane, right?
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm used to the announcements they make.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like, flight attendants, prepare for landing.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm used to hearing that kind of stuff, right?
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_01: But on this plane, we got a different announcement.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_01: It sounded more like Stephanie, we're coming in.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: Stephanie.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: What's this?
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: A family-owned plane, Stephanie.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_01: If you need more of that potato salad you made for the church picnic last week, you bring it on up to the cockpit.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: Potato salad.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like my lovely wife, and I said, Well, I said, I got COVID.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, Okay.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, just come on home and go on into the guest bedroom.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: No, yeah, she's not giving up the master, are you kidding?
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so I got home and y'all, I was just freaking out.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because I had heard all the horror stories, you know, people losing their taste and their smell, and sadly, some people died from it.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm waiting for the COVID wave just to come crashing down on me.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta tell you something.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: That first night I was back at the house, I slept the whole night.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not once was I awakened by my wife snoring.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I love her to death, but this woman can throw down some snoring.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking little kitten purring, I'm talking night of the walking dead.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I would try to go to sleep to every night, too.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I gently rub her on the back, push her out of bed.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: But she always wakes up when she hits the floor.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then she looks at me and goes, What are you doing?
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: I go, baby, you're snoring.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, I'm not, I'm wide awake.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, now you are.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: A second ago, you were sucking paintings off the wall.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then has the audacity to look me in the eye and say, Maybe it was you snoring, you just woke yourself up.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, let's go with that psycho, because that makes so much more sense.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: But not that night, gang.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: I slept the whole night.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: Got up next morning, breakfast was outside the door.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: I ate it, put my dishes back out there.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: Ten minutes later, dishes was gone.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: That day I watched every Andy Griffith and gunsmoke rerun I could find.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: Without somebody standing over me going, why do you watch that stuff?
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because Opie just killed a mother bird.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we're watching this.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: That night, dinner showed up, took it in the bedroom, ate, put my dishes back outside.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: The little dish rays took it away.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta be honest with you, I didn't see a bad side to this whole COVID thing.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: It was kind of like being at a spa.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, but that's the problem, and I hate being this way.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I hate being a hypochondriac because it's just it's not fun because you're always worried about death.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: A cold.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm gone.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: True story, every year Gail and I would get our physical and we get our blood work done just in case there was something we could stay on top of it.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: So this happened this year.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: We got our physicals, got our blood work done.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: Four days later, I'm out playing golf.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: Five o'clock in the evening.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: I get back in the golf cart, I see a message from the doctor, a voicemail, and this is what it said.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: You need to call us as soon as possible.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell does that mean?
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you what it means.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm dying.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it means.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_02: I've got to say, the best part about being married to someone so freaking hot, you know, aside from the crippling fear that he will leave me.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_02: No, you guys, it's a real thing, and it's a relatively new thing as well.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_02: See, we've been together for like 16 years.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_02: So when I was 21, we got together.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_02: And back, oh you saw him, it's not hard.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_02: But when we met 16 years ago, I was like, hey, yeah, baby, yeah, I'll do whatever you want.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_02: I might even initiate it.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_02: And let's try it in the club restroom.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_02: And I might even try it sideways.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_02: Alrighty.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_02: Now I'm like, oh, I probably won't.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_02: No, I haven't got a headache.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_02: I just don't want to.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I know.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_02: And I know when we were out with your friends having drinks, and I was like, yeah, when we get home, I'm gonna do all this stuff.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_02: Now that we're home, definitely won't.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_02: No, and I'm not even drunk enough just to lie here and let you do it yourself.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_02: And he is excellent.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_02: It's really fun now as well because you know, more people know about him, which is my own stupid fault because I'm the fool that introduced all of you to him.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_02: So I panic when he leaves the house on his own.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, where are you going?
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_02: It's like just to get milk.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_02: Like, uh huh, why?
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_02: It's like you just asked me to go and get milk, and I'm like, ah.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_02: Um, hey, um, uh, put a shirt on.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_02: I've got a shirt on.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_02: Put another shirt on, put two fing shirts on, and put a really loose one on.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_02: Go and get one of mine.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 36:12
  unknown: Yeah.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_02: And don't go alone.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_02: Take the kids.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, take the kids.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, all of them.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_02: Take the two that came tearing out of me and the two that you brought into this fing relationship.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_02: Like all of the kids.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_02: And put on some rollerblades.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_02: No one's gonna want to f you if you're rollerblading.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_02: Click, click.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, kids, she's lost a f mind.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, he's a good man.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_02: It's fun now, I get messages from people congratulating me on being with someone as hot as him.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_02: Girl, your husband is hard as hell.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_02: My congratulations to you.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_02: I reckon she probably runs like that.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_02: I have a fear.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_02: I have a genuine fear.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_02: I worry that we are an uneven couple.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_02: You know those mismatched couples where you look and go, how the f did that happen?
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_02: I worry.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_02: Is this us?
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_02: Is that me with an Olsen?