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Rabbi Moshe Haber Path of the Just- The Hidden Face of Arrogance 6.04.25 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  He scares everyone to talk to him.
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  You're nervous to approach him because you're nervous.
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  What is he going to say? Oh, you're yelling at me for
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  saying the wrong thing. All that type of stuff.
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  That's another kind of arrogance.
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  These are the simple ones. Then there's deeper arrogance
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  with certain people who make it seem like they don't care about
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  anything. That too can be an arrogance,
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  but it's coming from the mindset that they think they're so
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  special. They're above the accolades of
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  the simple people around them. They make everyone seem small
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  around them and therefore in their minds.
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  I don't even need to get respect 'cause I'm so impressive.
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  That too can be arrogance. And he says, I know I'm giving
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  you deep ideas of arrogance and I know that it could be that
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  this is not noticeable. But let's be clear.
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  All these people, they end up showing themselves and choose
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  those eventually. They can't hold it in too long.
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  Von Nam the game KLA, you should know all these kinds.
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  Alva Bishala, Khurram Marie Matzmam a Naveen.
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  Even though some of these people show themselves to be humble,
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  there will be no shortage of stumbling blocks that will
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  therefore reveal their true arrogance.
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  She believed the atom without them even noticing.
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  What's going to happen without them noticing is that that their
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  real true trait, which is that they they follow themselves,
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  will come out to a storage house filled with straw packed in and
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  there are holes in the walls. What happens?
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  The straw starts to peek through the holes.
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  The arrogance of some person who's sketching himself with
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  sketching the world to carry himself humbly when he really
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  truly is not, is going to be the same way.
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  He's going to be suppressing his arrogance, acting as if as if
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  he's humble, but in reality, it's all going to come out.
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  Mashallah bite by ABBA by Torin in the home as holes.
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  They are Tevin and the straw was stuck into the holes.
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  The straw over a couple of days will eventually start to peer
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  through and peek through and poke through.
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  Should have a talk all the time. It's going to come out.
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  Do I know people who are humble that eventually who are humble
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  act humble? They're really arrogant.
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  I actually know, sadly to say quite a few yes and you don't
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  realize it. We're trying to understand, but
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  a person, this one, I kind of have a hard time.
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  Yes, it's it's hard to notice. I'll tell you the truth.
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  You don't really notice. You know something, people are
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  arrogant to you. The arrogant guy is a simple,
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  very clear picture. This guy who yells guy gets
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  angry. A guy who was, you know, tough
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  and intimidating. That's the basic guy.
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  There's much let's be ready clear.
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  Let's go backward, people arrogant because people really
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  step one. Everyone wants to feel relevant.
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  That's a fact. Of course the board, we all want
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  to feel relevant. I don't care if you rich or poor
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  and if you're successful, not successful.
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  Everyone wants to be relevant and that's all fair.
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  Certain people need to create their relevance.
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  Certain people are comfortable knowing skin and they have that
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  relevance naturally, but other people need to create their
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  relevance. Now every person knows I got to
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  create their relevance. There's different ways of me
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  getting that done. Some people I'm going to be
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  super hoardy and loud and scary and intimidating, the basic kind
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  and that'll be my way of existing.
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  Good. That's the basic guy.
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  It's simple. And there's another guy who's
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  smarter. This guy is more intelligent and
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  he really exactly, he realizes that the nasty kind is not well
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  liked. Let me go and be the well liked
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  kind of person and then live. Exactly.
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  Now what does he do? Yeah, it's like the phony.
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  So what does the phony do? He creates A persona that's very
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  well liked. He knows the business.
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  He knows that people love people who are kind and soft.
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  So he carries himself in that same way.
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  OK, I'm not trying to describe a creep.
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  I'm trying to describe a very a smart person.
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  But he's still, he's an actor. Sure is.
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  He's definitely an actor. So what is he doing?
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  He's creating a persona of humility.
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  No, I don't care. Nothing bothers me.
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  No, you, you don't insult me. I don't nothing insults me
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  'cause he's he's winning friends over this way how to wins friend
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  and influence people right? He's following the book.
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  Problem is he never worked on his character at all.
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  So his character remained the exact same thing.
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  I, his character underlying is I need to be relevant.
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  I need to exist. I mean, I deserve to exist.
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  I've let that blow a little more, he says to himself.
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  I'm special. If you add the combination of
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  I'm special combined with the fact that I'm very intelligent,
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  right, The combination ends up being I believe I'm special.
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  But I know the method to being seen as special is to carry
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  myself in a humble way. And you have the most ugly mix.
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  The most ugly mix is a faker who carries himself humbly but
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  really is arrogant. And I'm making this person sound
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  like he's a real creep. Really, what he is, is a person
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  who's very smart. OK, It does not noticeable so
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  often. How would you see to suppress
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  him? Truth of the matter is, such
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  people really exist more in leadership roles.
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  You don't see them in regular roles.
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  Because in a regular role, if you carry yourself humbly,
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  you're not going to be noticed. And your intelligent approach,
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  your calculated approach will never succeed if you're in the
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  leadership role and you do this trick.
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  You know what people say, oh, that rabbi, I rabbi, that
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  president, he's the nicest guy in the world.
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  He never says a word or that tie, that, that leader, that
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  head, that person, that wealthy guy, all those kind leadership
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  roles, how are they run into this?
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  And many such people in the leadership roles that carry
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  themselves nicely, most of them are really all humble because
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  it's difficult to really try to be this calculator.
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  It takes worse. It takes a level of, of
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  intelligence and level of self-control actually to end up
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  this way. But there are such people.
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  And we run the risk of being that guy.
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  We run the risk of being that guy, not our entire life, but at
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  times. We run the risk of being the
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  person who are both humble hourly but truly is arrogant.
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  That's our risk, right? This arrogant person will not be
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  able to hide himself. He won't be able to really
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  squash this approach. Over time.
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  He'll be able to tell from his actions what he really thinks of
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  himself and what he wants others to think of him.
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  Him. Everyone will eventually realize
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  that their ways are conducted with counterfeit humility and
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  deceitful self effacement. You ever have a guy who makes
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  fun of himself? You know people make fun of
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  themselves. Yeah.
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  How about you make fun of them? What happens?
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  Try that. Right.
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  So you say one second I thought this guy is, you know, he
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  doesn't care. All right.
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  Doesn't work that way. Why?
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  Because and then not to say also people are arrogant because he
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  is, he is really using this trick again, a very calculated
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  person knows how do you win over people?
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  Make fun of yourself. People love a guy.
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  Yeah, but listen to a press conference or a ball player goes
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  arrogant. You can't stand here.
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  Listen to a press conference, a ball player that makes fun of
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  himself you love. He's smart.
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  He knows I have to win over people.
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  But that doesn't mean he's really truly humble.
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  If someone would RIP would would say something to him the way he
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  says something to himself, he'd be very hurt.
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  And that doesn't mean that every person that makes fun of
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  themselves has to be beaten down.
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  But it does mean that clearly means that those jokes that he
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  made about himself are not a a way of displaying true humility.
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  What they are are calculated way to win over people.
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  If someone follows that book, right, the Carnegie book and
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  this element, if you try it with other people by displaying, you
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  know, maybe you haven't worked at your character that is a very
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  ugly person inside without realizing because he seems
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  lovable. He seems likeable.
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  He seems so kind. But the truth of the matter is
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  he hasn't worked it through. And then his entire life inside,
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  he's battling this feeling. How come some people hurt me?
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  How come no one treats you properly?
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  How come they talk to me that way?
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  And you're one thing to yourself.
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  I don't understand. This guy's such a nice guy, he
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  claims, and he seems to guide himself so low key.
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  He doesn't care about what people say about it.
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  Why is he getting so, as I say, bent out of shape by the fact
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  that someone's not giving him respect?
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  If he doesn't answer, respect. Answer is he is this guy.
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  He hasn't worked as a true humility.
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  True humility is the sense that I do not deserve honor.
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  True humility is a person that looks at himself and says all
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  the jokes about myself. They're kind of true.
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  That doesn't mean I'm a nobody. I'm a very confident person, but
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  all the, the, the, you know, I make fun of the fact that I'll,
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  I don't speak so clearly or I make fun of the fact that I
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  don't know, my upbringing was funny.
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  Whatever it is what other people use to make fun of themselves.
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  If someone absorbs those jokes and he can handle them himself,
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  beautiful guy, the best guy, the guy you want around.
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  But if he just says them but can't take it, that's a guy.
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  You know what I was saying? In school or high school days,
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  you can't take it. You can't take the heat the the
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  the expression is you could dish it out, but you can't take
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  exactly that's the old expression that guy is about.
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  This is about other people who is Harry Knight, but if he
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  dishes out about himself, even that guy is a confusing guy.
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  He's this guy, right? Feels like humor.
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  By the way, it's old self that we're here.
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  South African you is great so long as you really can accept
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  the if you can't, then just another what somebody else,
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  someone else saying similar things to you.
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  It's hard to accept, right? What does that mean?
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  I'll tell you what, it depends where it's come understood.
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  Obviously who's who's saying understood someone's saying
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  nasty. Some people do it with meanness,
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  but some people do it where you could take it from that certain
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  person. But some people just don't know
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  any better what they're saying, right?
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  Sure. So a humble person can let that
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  fly. An arrogant person.
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  Every time someone touches him with words, anything else, they
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  jump at it. Are you saying this?
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  I thought this guy was a nice guy.
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  No, he's actually not worked out when it comes to his character.
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  That's just the reality. The Mitsuga game Akrim.
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  Let's see 239. The final kind.
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  The final and most subtle manifestation of arrogance.
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  Kivura. Billy Bum.
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  The arrogance is very deep in the hearts.
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  Loyalty. You are a Lamaze.
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  It never shows itself. They believe in the heart that
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  they are already so wise. No one is as smart as them.
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  Is actually nobody like me. They never care what other
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  people have to say. No one else has the same
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  understanding as them. No one else is wise.
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  Anyone who argues with me just doesn't know better.
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  And Islam. They never debate their opinion
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  and never actually question what they have to say.
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  They're completely 1000% confident in everything they do.
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  I there are those who argue, they don't.
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  They don't reach my toes. OK, there's such a world out
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  there. I actually know this world very
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  well. In fact, I personally, if I had
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  to find an arrogance of all these, I find myself closest to
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  the last time. I'm not saying I'm arrogant or
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  am I saying I'm humble, but I am saying that I find myself close
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  because happens to be for life the last kind of the best kind.
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  No one ever hurts you if you tell yourself you better than
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  them. No one ever insults you.
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  No one ever takes you down. You never get hurt, you never
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  get insulty, never feel small if you tell yourself, oh, you all
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  don't know better. Oh, they're all just whatever,
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  right? That's a great way of doing
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  things. But is that?
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  A real thing because the only time you don't get offended by
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  someone is if you're in your mind is beneath you.
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  When the guys at your level right to an even peer or a guy
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  even higher, I don't think it's really possible that you could
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  really flick it off as nothing. Maybe you don't react.
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  Good luck. Could you really?
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  So you're asking, how do you startle the fence of being an
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  easygoing person? And the way to be easygoing is
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  to let things fly. The way you let things fly in
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  the real world is by saying to yourself, doesn't matter what
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  they have to say. Let's go deeper.
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  I don't think they know anything that they're saying.
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  They're not really worth so much.
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  With this simple comic. You discount it.
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  Usually the best way to discount it is to diminish the other
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  person's words, which right now is bumping into the last kind of
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  arrogance. It's a fairpoint.
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  So the fully worked on person, fully worked on says to himself,
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  I'm not going to diminish them. I'm not going to put them down.
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  It's just not going to make a difference to me because my
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  confidence or my lack of confidence does not depend on
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  other people. That's a fully worked on person,
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  correct? That's the best way.
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  The other way, which many of us do, is that in order to avoid
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  insults, we say it doesn't matter what he has to say.
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  You know, come on, he doesn't know better.
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  He's not that smart. He just off the cuff doesn't
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  know what he's saying. That's a little bit of an
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  arrogant approach to diminished person.
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  That's what I do, person. That's what I do.
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  So the best way is the real way to work on your own character.
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  The second, the best way, but also possibly could bump into
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  real arguments, is to discount what they have to say, to ignore
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  what they have to say by pushing it down, by saying it's not
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  important, it doesn't make a difference.
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  They have to say, but at that point you need to be careful.
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  And the careful is you could in the process build for yourself
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  this perfect persona where you believe you always right through
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  this method. It's very dangerous, the method
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  of diminishing reality. People have to say and
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  discounting their words by saying they don't know better,
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  they don't really know what they're saying, all that stuff.
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  It's healthy to protect you, but it could make you and your mind
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  into perfect, perfect means. I never make a mistake because
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  no one has anything to say about me.
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  And then you can't develop exactly.
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  You can't grow. You can't handle.
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  In fact, the Madash writes a similar vein.
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  There were two people. Another made a mistake as young
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  people, I forget the names either was you or Natan.
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  One of the people were that go ahead and got daughter went off
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  the data from 80 years old was never getting Johan, someone who
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  went to 8 years old. So they say that.
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  Madar says one of the reasons he went over the path so late in
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  life was because he was never, ever told he was wrong, never
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  told he made a mistake. So when people do comment to us
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  and they do say things, if you're able to handle and absorb
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  at the same time, great. If the only method to deal with
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  anyone else's comment is to diminish and to battle it away
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  and therefore keep yourself protected but also arrogant, not
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  so fine. That's not so good 'cause you
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  can't develop. The best way to handle
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  criticism, comments, recommendations, words about you
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  is to absorb and then deflect, hear it and knock it out.
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  Keep yourself strong, but at the same time be OK with those
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  words. If you got to a point that
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  everything that's comes your way is got to be bad enough, I could
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  literally go home. Run.
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  And that's your approach to keeping yourself not strong
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  protected. That's a very big difference.
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  Thinking about your children. I realize it's my own children.
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  Thinking about your children, what do you want them to be?
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  You want to be super confident. You want them to be very, very,
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  very have great self respect and great confidence, but you don't
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  want them to be protected. And if they're overly protected,
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  they therefore become overly sensitive.
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  And when they're overly sensitive, they'll remain super
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  unnoticeable, super arrogant. Which means when someone says
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  something to the utility and no one there to protect them once
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  in a while, that's a good thing. It's OK.
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  Even though it gets as very upset as parents, it drives as
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  may someone says my kids something, it'd be very nervous.
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  It does, but if they can handle it as soon as they can't because
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  they can handle it and they can deal with it and they can handle
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  a level of criticism or a joke or disrespect or something like
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  that, then they become a strong and healthier people and also
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  less irodies. Now if.
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  We don't do that than this. Generation We are in a
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  protective generation to. Watch us squirm and laugh and we
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  thought he was like cruel and my wife right away she's to go like
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  and I said the difference from my oldest son that she fought
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  every battle when the rest of the planes at.
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  Sea in with me. Let things go and it's so much
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  better 'cause if not, you're gonna have to be around till 200
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  years old to hide and imagine them through, you know, it's
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  like, no. Consequences.
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  Kids today have no consequences. They because of being protected.
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  So they're protected. I see that all the but be there.
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  I mean, they can't war fireflies for themselves.
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  So nice. If you ever take them there,
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  pick them up, take them with take them there.
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  Yeah, I mean everyone. Like 40 years, like as a new
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  character. About the seven a day where you
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  were almost. That's right, answer their
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  parents back and say. You know how to.
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  Go get me this soda from the kid.
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  No, What do you mean no? If I ever told my parents an old
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  to get something to forget it. Got it.
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  So every everything that's coming from good-natured parents
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  is actually destructive. We wanted to so there.
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  Yeah, there's some point we want we want right to you know when
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  the Sarah says we wanted to we part it was in green.
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  That's who we were. We saw them give to.
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  That's crazy though. I see we gave.
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  And so they're both. I was telling you all things
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  that start. A lot of things that start from
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  a good place eventually lead to a bad place.
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  This is literally one of them. The protective nature that we
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  have for our children, which is obviously coming from love,
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  obviously coming from our own feeling that we don't want
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  anyone to even lay a finger on them with words, ever.
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  But there we AM. It just protected from the
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  verbal abuse. At the same time, it makes them
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  literally into tin cans and they cannot handle a thing.
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  Now the other approach, which is let them get beat up also makes
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  them, especially in the modern day when people are much more
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  sensitive, it's also very dangerous.
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  You have to have, I'm all learning this together.
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  You have to have this combination of protective or
• 20:00
  hand off watching but also allowing certain things and it's
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  that strength. Which, number one, makes them
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  much more productive people in the real world, able to get
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  married, able to have a family, able to work with other people,
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  able to have friends because able to handle things.
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  If you can't handle things, it's like my art to the doc.
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  You become the weakest person. You can handle a little bit,
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  become strong. So the things that come from
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  good places can be very destructive and things they know
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  and the alphas are beating people up.
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  Also destruction. You have to straddle this fence
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  in a very thoughtful way. I want to build my children up.
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  I want to build myself up. How do I do the two of them?
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  I'm protective, sure, but I'm also strong at the same time.
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  I chosen the same thing, same goal.
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  They're protected, absolutely, but they're also strong.
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  How are they strong? They handle things, they deflect
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  insults, they bounce back. They have a bad day and then
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  they do at the level of resiliency and that's our goal
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  to give them resiliency. We don't beat them up.
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  We also don't. They create this perfect world.
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  They are living in the world. I see it today.
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  They live in the world and it's either perfect or bust.
• 21:16
  Imagine our world perfect or bust.
• 21:19
  One insult is a bad day. Bad weather is a bad day.
• 21:23
  And by the way, many of us as adults are trying to trying to
• 21:28
  create that carved out perfect world.
• 21:31
  All right, I was thinking about this over the holiday, really
• 21:33
  thinking about this because of the whole people a deal people
• 21:36
  are Brooklyn Hobbes. I told someone I told literally,
• 21:40
  it feels like a little perfection, A beautiful holiday,
• 21:43
  great weather, great. Everything was great.
• 21:45
  The learning was great, everything was amazing.
• 21:47
  And but you're looking for that little extra thing to make it
• 21:52
  over the top. You know what would happen if
• 21:54
  you had that? Actually to make it over the
• 21:55
  top, you had something else go wrong.
• 21:57
  Someone's isn't in Rome it would have rained something else
• 22:01
  going. It doesn't exist a perfect world
• 22:03
  and never has and never will. And if our children to grow up
• 22:07
  in that feeling. It's so destructive and so weak
• 22:11
  for them. You notice today something to
• 22:13
  say and definitely not going with a broad stroke.
• 22:19
  But it's it's true that there are young couples that don't
• 22:22
  last much more common now. Sometimes it's stories.
• 22:25
  We know that sometimes, a lot of times it's also this things go
• 22:29
  completely off the rails very fast because they haven't been
• 22:33
  able to do any level of insult and any level of things going
• 22:37
  wrong. We all know that the the
• 22:39
  beginning times do include some level of development.
• 22:45
  Let's be nice about that. When it's all it's all fake,
• 22:48
  even the dating it's like both sets of parents are dating each
• 22:51
  other, right the pair the. Sperry and they think
• 22:54
  everything. And happily ever after.
• 22:57
  Joe. Right and it's so sketch like
• 22:59
  now, right? They think I'm as noon, right?
• 23:02
  I told my son how much can you afford your apartment?
• 23:05
  He went looking around in the only basements.
• 23:09
  So I'm good with that, right? My wife is thinking about that.
• 23:14
  My son doesn't care either way and probably the consuegos are
• 23:17
  going to have an issue with that.
• 23:19
  But I think that's what I live in my parents house.
• 23:23
  I lived in the same bedroom where I grew up that when I got
• 23:26
  married I didn't have anything right.
• 23:28
  And my father said OK, that's what you can afford.
• 23:30
  Zero. Then you'll live 0 you.
• 23:34
  Know all right, all this stuff makes it stronger.
• 23:36
  It really, really does. Find me the guy Find me the guy
• 23:39
  who I say yeah, find me a person that had the silver spoon that's
• 23:44
  really enjoyable to be around. Find the person that has all
• 23:48
  worked out when they were children, having his hands to
• 23:51
  them. That's really is just so easy.
• 23:53
  Or to be able to really develop his own business.
• 23:55
  It's hard. That doesn't be if.
• 23:57
  You count the money in or? Yeah, you can.
• 23:59
  Exactly. You're right, not many and they
• 24:01
  have to have amazing parents. Much more aggressive than the
• 24:05
  serene kids. Second generation, show them the
• 24:07
  foreign kids. They're already opening their
• 24:09
  third business and they want to keep the world right.
• 24:12
  The serene kid, you have to wake him up to go to work so you
• 24:15
  could pay him. The American Why do you think
• 24:19
  exactly Why do you think you just go deeper?
• 24:21
  The holes. We need this work and the
• 24:25
  conversation. How about this?
• 24:27
  I never got paid working for my father until I got married and
• 24:31
  he opened my own store. I worked seven days a week,
• 24:35
  sorry, Rabbi, 16 hours a day for six months, a year.
• 24:40
  Whatever I wanted I got, but I never got a salary.
• 24:43
  Way to Myrtle Beach. Yeah.
• 24:45
  So my father used to hold my money.
• 24:47
  And let's say if I acted up in the end of August, that means he
• 24:49
  would Somebody OK, I'm not paying you.
• 24:51
  Not for the day. And it's releasing.
• 24:53
  He had saved. It goes 0.
• 24:55
  Right. So what does this stuff do?
• 24:57
  It makes us all stronger. Yeah, it seems tough.
• 25:00
  And yes, today if we do this on our kids, they would revolt.
• 25:03
  I got it. And I don't give my kid the
• 25:06
  scooter within 48 hours. It's a problem, but.
• 25:10
  I look back one day before yeah, it was there was a man there's a
• 25:13
  prominent man that yelled at my son in shul.
• 25:16
  How crazy must have been hassling.
• 25:18
  And I and I walk here knowing a different shul and I and I when
• 25:21
  I was your mother was growing up and and I came to protect him
• 25:25
  and I and I should have now looking back, I shouldn't have.
• 25:28
  The guy was Sham Shanayan. The guy was teaching him right.
• 25:31
  The kids neither beak, but as a parent you want to be there for
• 25:36
  them. But it probably wasn't the right
• 25:38
  move. Now that there is a way that
• 25:40
  someone else can recommend your child.
• 25:43
  Right. But when you see it in front of
• 25:44
  you sometimes like you want. To.
• 25:45
  Sometimes it's. Easier, but it's not.
• 25:47
  The right thing, so it's tricky only want to.
• 25:50
  Have the cavort. Are you yelling?
• 25:52
  At myself? What about an uncle?
• 25:54
  Smacking. His his nephew as a kid, I'm my
• 25:58
  father's brother. I was disrespectful.
• 26:00
  My uncle gave me a whack right and let me.
• 26:03
  Forget you know what happened to have to work for parents.
• 26:06
  For the family, Grace. As the on this nice child, the
• 26:10
  parents would be an all out literally brawl and and.
• 26:13
  And for the rest of my life, when I would be on the line,
• 26:15
  some of us, he'd, he'd pull my base like, like just a moment.
• 26:19
  All right. And, and it's tricky because we
• 26:21
  do grow up in a much more sensitive world and we do need
• 26:24
  to have Rezook and we need to feel good and all those things.
• 26:27
  So we have to figure out the balance.
• 26:28
  We have to be aware of the fact that the more we protect them,
• 26:33
  it's a possibility and a capability of becoming very,
• 26:38
  very sensitive. And therefore, yes, arrogant
• 26:41
  sensitivity and arrogance go hand in hand.
• 26:43
  No one notices that being super sensitive and being super
• 26:46
  arrogant is actually very well fit one in the same.
• 26:49
  Because you get insulted by everything that means you care.
• 26:51
  That means you believe you deserve to be treated perfectly.
• 26:54
  It's one in the same. And a person got to develop some
• 26:57
  level of thick skin and you build character.
• 27:00
  This is it. And you don't think this is part
• 27:02
  of the Tuda, by the way, You don't think that all this
• 27:04
  concepts are part of the Tuda? This is what a real person is.
• 27:07
  Some of them with the handle, resilient, strong, and therefore
• 27:11
  humble. It's one and the same.
• 27:13
  We'll stop with this.