Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Receive Feedback Without Getting Defensive
Transcript
- Lucas: There's this statistic I keep coming back to. A survey of 1,200 knowledge workers found that 44 percent said they've hesitated to give their manager honest feedback because they were afraid of damaging the relationship. Luna: Forty-four percent. That's almost half. And I'd bet the real number is higher because people don't always admit they're holding back. Lucas: Right, the social desirability bias cuts both ways. But think about what that means for a new manager. You've just been promoted. You're trying to build trust. And your team is literally editing what they tell you. They're protecting you from the very information you need most. Luna: So the classic advice — 'create an open-door policy' — that doesn't actually solve it, does it? Lucas: Not even close. The problem isn't access. It's psychological safety on the other side of the door. Your team needs to know that if they say something uncomfortable, you won't punish them — not just consciously, but unconsciously. And as a new manager, your unconscious reactions are the ones you don't see. Luna: What does that look like in practice? Give me an example. Lucas: Sure. I talked to a first-time engineering manager at a SaaS company — about 300 employees, name withheld — who told me about her third month in the role. She'd asked her team for feedback on her stand-up meetings. Everyone said 'they're great.' But she noticed one senior engineer kept looking down. After a few weeks, she pulled him aside and asked again. He finally admitted the stand-ups were running too long and felt like status updates instead of problem-solving. Luna: He waited weeks to say that. And he only said it in private. Lucas: Exactly. And when she asked why he didn't say it in the meeting, he said, 'I didn't want to undermine you in front of the team.' That's the barrier right there. He thought calling out a problem would damage her credibility. So instead, he stayed quiet — and the team kept sitting through long, unproductive stand-ups. Luna: And what did she do when she heard that? Did she get defensive? Lucas: She told me her first instinct was to explain why the stand-ups were that way: 'We're still figuring out the rhythm, and I didn't want to cut off important updates.' She caught herself. Instead, she said, 'Thank you. Can you tell me more about what would make them more useful for you?' And that one sentence changed the whole conversation. Luna: So she didn't justify. She just thanked him and asked for more. Lucas: Right. And the research backs this up. There's a study from a few years ago — I think it was in the Journal of Applied Psychology — where they looked at 80 new managers at a Fortune 500 retailer. They found that the single biggest predictor of whether a team continued to give upward feedback was the manager's immediate response. Managers who said 'thank you' and then asked a follow-up question — without explaining or defending — had teams that gave more candid feedback six months later. Luna: So the key isn't just not getting defensive. It's actively signalling that you want more. That you're not done hearing. Lucas: Exactly. The instinct to explain is almost automatic. It's your brain trying to re-establish competence. But explanation sounds like excuse to the person who just risked telling you something hard. So the rule is: no explaining, no fixing, no problem-solving in the moment. Just 'thank you' and 'tell me more.' Luna: Okay, but what if the feedback is genuinely wrong? What if someone says your stand-ups are too long, but you have data showing they're actually shorter than the industry average? Lucas: You still don't argue it in the moment. Because the feedback isn't about the objective length — it's about how it feels to that person. If they experience it as too long, that's a real data point about engagement. You can address the numbers later. In the moment, you're building the trust that makes future feedback possible. Luna: That makes sense. So 'thank you, tell me more' is the immediate response. But how do you create a system so that feedback doesn't only happen in one-off hallway conversations? Lucas: Great question. I've seen a really practical two-question framework that works especially well for new managers. At the end of every one-on-one, you ask two things. First: 'What's one thing I could do differently that would make your work easier?' And second: 'What's one thing you wish I knew about your work that I don't?' Luna: I like that the second question is about their work, not about you. It's less threatening. Lucas: Exactly. It creates a pattern where feedback becomes a normal part of the conversation. And you have to answer it yourself every time, too. Model the vulnerability. If you ask those questions every week, the team gets used to the rhythm. After a few weeks, the answers get more honest. Luna: But what about the manager who hears something hard and can't hide their reaction? I mean, we're human. A flinch, a sigh, a tight jaw — that speaks louder than words. Lucas: That's the hardest part. Because your face will betray you before your brain can catch up. One trick I've heard is to physically pause before responding. Take a breath. Count to two. It sounds simple, but it gives your amygdala a moment to settle. And it signals to the other person that you're processing, not reacting. Luna: I've also heard that you can say 'I need a moment to think about that' — which buys you time and shows respect. Lucas: That's a great tactic. And it's honest. Because you do need to think about it. The worst thing you can do is give a quick, dismissive answer that shuts down the conversation. Luna: So let me ask you this. We've talked about receiving feedback from direct reports. But what about feedback from peers? From other managers at your level? That can be even trickier because there's no hierarchy to lean on. Lucas: It's a different dynamic. With peers, the risk is that feedback feels like criticism from a competitor, especially if you're both new. But the same principle applies: thank them, ask for more, don't defend. And if the feedback is about something you did that affected them, acknowledge the impact before you explain your intent. Luna: Acknowledge impact before intent. That's good. Because most of the time, the impact is what matters. Lucas: Right. And this brings us to a broader point that I think is really important for new managers. The ability to receive feedback well is not just a soft skill. It's a performance multiplier. When your team trusts that you can hear hard things, they tell you about problems early, before they become crises. They share ideas they might otherwise keep to themselves. They stay longer. Luna: That's a strong claim. Is there data on retention? Lucas: There is. A Gallup study from a couple of years ago found that managers who scored in the top quartile on 'receives feedback constructively' had teams with 27 percent lower turnover. That's huge. Because the cost of replacing a single employee can be six to nine months of their salary. So learning to not get defensive is literally worth thousands of dollars to your company. Luna: Okay, so it's not just about being nice. It's about performance and retention. Lucas: Exactly. And look — nobody gets it perfect. I've been a manager for years and I still catch myself getting defensive sometimes. The key is to notice it, apologize, and circle back. That repair is actually more trust-building than never making a mistake. Luna: So if you flinch, the next move is to say 'I realize I reacted defensively earlier. I want to hear more about what you said. Can we revisit that?' Lucas: Yes. That models the exact behavior you want your team to adopt. It shows that feedback is a process, not a one-time test. And it gives you a second chance to get it right. Luna: I think for a lot of new managers, the hardest part is just recognizing they're being defensive in the first place. Because the mental narrative is 'I'm explaining, not defending.' Lucas: That's the classic trap. And it's why I love the simple rule: if you hear yourself starting to explain why you did something before you've fully acknowledged the other person's experience, stop. Just stop. Take a breath. Say 'thank you.' Ask for more. Luna: Let's take that and circle back to the engineering manager story. She said 'thank you' and then asked 'tell me more.' What happened next? Lucas: The engineer opened up. He said the stand-ups felt like a status report that could have been an email, and that the team was losing energy. They brainstormed a new format — fifteen minutes, only blockers and decisions needed, no updates. Within two weeks, the team said they felt more engaged. And the engineer started giving her feedback more regularly, not just about stand-ups. Luna: So that one moment of not getting defensive unlocked a whole new level of trust. Lucas: It did. And that's the thing about feedback. The first time you receive it well, you're not just solving that one issue. You're sending a signal that lasts. Your team starts to believe that you're someone who can be told hard things. Luna: That's a great place to land. And it makes me think — if we've helped you work through a tricky feedback conversation or a career move, we'd love if you considered supporting the show. A couple of dollars a month genuinely makes a difference keeping these conversations ad-free and accessible. Lucas: Yeah, it's a small thing that adds up. You can do that at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. And we mean it — even a few bucks helps us keep the lights on and the hosts caffeinated. Luna: Absolutely. So to bring it back — the next time someone gives you feedback, try just saying 'thank you' and 'tell me more.' See what happens. Lucas: And if you flinch, that's okay. You can circle back. The goal isn't perfection. It's progress. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time.