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Transcript

Why Am I Doing This? · Random Heathen Ramblings

• 0:02
  Hey folks, how's it going? Welcome to this.
• 0:10
  Not a podcast, not the normal layout of things, because I
• 0:19
  didn't have one going on this week, mainly because I was just
• 0:27
  not feeling it. You know, our guy came back from
• 0:33
  North Carolina on Memorial Day after having spent five days,
• 0:44
  almost 5 full days nearly away from away from home to help out
• 0:53
  at North Forge gathering. And I'm back from that and I've
• 1:02
  been back from that. And I just first of all, when I
• 1:04
  got back there was there was absolutely, I had no interest,
• 1:10
  desire, energy to do anything podcast related when I got back.
• 1:20
  And then, you know, episodes drop on Thursdays today and I
• 1:30
  have other things I got to do, you know, and I just didn't feel
• 1:35
  like it was necessary. It wasn't necessary for me to
• 1:39
  come back and just jump right back into the into the show.
• 1:46
  I may have done that in the past, you know, I may have
• 1:50
  muscled through it and I may have put my comfort aside and
• 1:56
  put a show out and but I'm really not into that anymore and
• 2:03
  I'm not into pushing myself and I pushed myself a lot.
• 2:09
  A lot of people did at at Norse forged, you know, there's AI
• 2:16
  wrote a blog about my feelings about the whole thing and.
• 2:32
  I'm glad that people that went and had a good time enjoyed
• 2:35
  themselves. I'm glad for that, you know, I'm
• 2:38
  glad that friends of mine, kinsmen of mine were successful
• 2:46
  for attending. It was taxing.
• 2:50
  It took a lot out of a lot of people and I am genuinely happy
• 2:57
  that people had a good time that did.
• 3:02
  And there were moments I enjoyed myself.
• 3:07
  There were times that I genuinely did feel grateful to
• 3:15
  be there. It didn't make me happy, you
• 3:22
  know what I mean? I wouldn't have gone there if it
• 3:25
  weren't for who it was for. I shared my thoughts about it.
• 3:33
  I shared my opinion about it. And it's just that it's my
• 3:38
  opinion. It's, it's the what, what I
• 3:40
  felt. I'm sure there's going to be a
• 3:43
  lot of wonderful reviews and, and articles and social media
• 3:49
  posts and things, if there haven't already.
• 3:53
  I've been shared. That will be shared.
• 3:58
  You know, if you were there and you saw and you and you
• 4:02
  participated in Declan's ceremony, we'll just, we'll just
• 4:09
  leave it at that. If you know, you know, you know,
• 4:13
  that was really moving. It was really sweet, you know,
• 4:17
  really nice to see people, strangers, you know, come
• 4:22
  together for this little boy in this family in their in their
• 4:27
  situation that they're going through.
• 4:28
  And I don't know, guys, I wanted to put a video out.
• 4:41
  I wanted to put something out on the platform for this week that
• 4:44
  to fill in for the podcast. You know what I mean?
• 4:48
  I'm not going to count this as an episode.
• 4:52
  This is more just a a check in because there's nothing
• 4:56
  educational here. There's nothing thought
• 5:01
  provoking that I want to share. It's not why I'm doing this.
• 5:11
  I don't even know why I'm doing this.
• 5:13
  Maybe I feel like I need to do something.
• 5:30
  Yeah, why am I even doing this? You know, it's, it's late, late
• 5:51
  ish. You know, in the evening as I'm
• 5:54
  recording this, this video the day before.
• 5:59
  Podcasts normally drop on Thursdays.
• 6:08
  I hadn't even thought about doing anything like this until
• 6:10
  just maybe 1/2 an hour ago. I think within the last hour
• 6:16
  we'll say, you know, I had no intention on sitting here and
• 6:26
  just say here's a video for the sake of there being a video.
• 6:35
  I think mostly what I'm dealing with right now is trying to
• 6:49
  process the reality of things. Wanting things to be a certain
• 6:56
  way, hoping for things to be a certain way.
• 6:59
  Doing living, you know, in ways that sometimes work for what I
• 7:07
  want, sometimes don't work for what I want.
• 7:14
  Really trying to understand and sit with why am I doing what I'm
• 7:18
  doing? Not just this video in life.
• 7:25
  Yeah, that question I asked, why am I even doing this?
• 7:28
  Why am I doing this video? That's a that's a question that
• 7:31
  goes into a deeper topic. Why am I doing this?
• 7:37
  Why am I why am I doing what I'm doing?
• 7:39
  Why am I living with the way I'm living?
• 7:41
  Why am I existing? Why am I just why?
• 7:47
  Because there's so many things about what I do and have done
• 7:54
  that, you know, I believe in wholeheartedly.
• 8:00
  And I guess I, I think I've set an expectation that when you do
• 8:10
  that, when you believe in something wholeheartedly and you
• 8:13
  live in ways that reflect that, that there's a certain outcome,
• 8:17
  you know, the expectation is set that you get out of it what you
• 8:21
  put into it. You know, and I don't feel like
• 8:29
  that. And I haven't felt like that for
• 8:31
  a very long time. I don't feel like what I'm
• 8:33
  putting out is, is coming back. I, I, that, and that's nobody
• 8:45
  else's fault. This is just an observation.
• 8:48
  Again, my opinion, my my feelings and it just makes you
• 8:57
  wonder or makes me wonder why bother?
• 9:00
  Why just what's the point? Figure out something else to do
• 9:04
  to get a better return on my quote UN quote investment, my
• 9:08
  investment of time. I, you know, excuse me, I maybe,
• 9:21
  maybe, maybe things have just run their course now.
• 9:23
  Maybe this is me trying to hold on to something that I have a
• 9:28
  personal attachment to, you know, and I just don't want to
• 9:31
  let go of something that needs to be letting go, let, let go
• 9:35
  of. I'm still figuring it all out.
• 9:46
  And I come on here to give an answer about anything.
• 9:50
  I'm just, yeah, what am I? What am I doing?
• 9:57
  Why am I doing it? What can I be doing better?
• 10:05
  Or what's a better, better, better use of my time?
• 10:08
  Right? So anyway, there's still plenty
• 10:14
  more of the RHR podcast left to go for the Season 7.
• 10:22
  I still have guests lined up. I still have topics to to cover.
• 10:32
  And that's all I'm going to say about it for right now.
• 10:37
  One day at a time, 111 step at a time, because every step I make
• 10:45
  is things are happening that I'm not wanting to happen, but that
• 10:55
  are needing to happen. And it's just tough to to
• 11:00
  navigate when things like that happen.
• 11:01
  It's it's difficult. So being a little open in front
• 11:06
  of all of you right now about it.
• 11:07
  But yeah, I don't need, you know, people want to comment or
• 11:21
  share their thoughts or whatever.
• 11:23
  It's you can if you want to. I'm not asking for it.
• 11:27
  I just, I don't know, it's it, this is more of a personal
• 11:32
  thing. And that's ridiculous to say
• 11:33
  because it's being shared publicly.
• 11:35
  So it's not personal anymore. And it'd be personal if I didn't
• 11:39
  share it. So we'll see what happens.
• 11:46
  And thank you for taking the last 20 minutes or whatever it's
• 11:51
  been for to, to watch this. Have a great day, have a great
• 12:00
  week. See you in the next episode.
• 12:07
  May the gods continue to notice you and may your ancestors smile
• 12:12
  upon you. Thank you.