Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Forget Fixing - Listening Is Your Superpower!

Transcript

Forget Fixing - Listening Is Your Superpower! · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is The Happy Family's podcast. My name's doctor Justin Coulson.
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  Speaker 1: Our children seem to just expect that we're going to
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  Speaker 1: know what to do, that we can help them, that
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  Speaker 1: we can guide them, that we've got the magic words
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  Speaker 1: every time something goes wrong, and as parents we often
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  Speaker 1: feel like we're not quite sure what to say, and
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  Speaker 1: yet there's the expectation, the need to fix everything and
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  Speaker 1: get it right. That's what we're talking about today with
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  Speaker 1: Old Do Better Tomorrow and the Happy Families Podcast. Plus
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  Speaker 1: one of the most major milestones nobody ever talks about.
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  Speaker 1: We hit it this week and I can't wait to
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  Speaker 1: tell you what it was and what we did. Stay
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  Speaker 1: with us. Hello and welcome to The Happy Family's podcast,
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  Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions Every Day. This is Australia's most downloaded
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  Speaker 1: parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Coulson and Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: Every Friday, you and I have a chat about the
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  Speaker 1: week that was, the stuff that worked, the stuff that didn't,
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  Speaker 1: with the hope that we can be inspirational in some way,
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  Speaker 1: shape or form to help families to be happier. Before
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  Speaker 1: we do though, you had a funny conversation that you
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  Speaker 1: wanted to talk about on today's pod about a young
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  Speaker 1: man and a telephone, and I think that we should
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  Speaker 1: start there.
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  Speaker 2: I think nearly every conversation I have with any parent
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  Speaker 2: ends up or starts with a conversation around mobile.
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  Speaker 1: Phones, oh, kids and screens.
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  Speaker 2: This is just so tricky for parents to navigate.
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  Speaker 1: Do on my head in yeah.
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  Speaker 2: But the other day I was chating with one of
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  Speaker 2: my girlfriends and she mentioned that she had caught up
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  Speaker 2: with some friends. They're part of a really great surfing
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  Speaker 2: community here on the Sunshine Coast, and they had acknowledged
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  Speaker 2: that as a group of parents, collectively, they've made a
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  Speaker 2: pact with one another that they are not going to
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  Speaker 2: buy their kids a mobile phone when they go into
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  Speaker 2: high school.
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  Speaker 1: That's the way to do it. You've got to build
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  Speaker 1: the community. Otherwise the kids are like, whoeverone else can
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  Speaker 1: do it. You've got to have the community.
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  Speaker 2: Well, my friend's not part of that community. It's her
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  Speaker 2: friends who are part of the community. And she was like, Oh,
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  Speaker 2: good luck to you, Like, I so hope that you
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  Speaker 2: can do this because it is just so hardh totally.
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  Speaker 2: And then as the conversation continued, she was telling me
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  Speaker 2: that her youngest son had been pestering them to get
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  Speaker 2: a mobile phone because he has two older sisters who
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  Speaker 2: when they started high.
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  Speaker 1: School, they got the fo they got a phone.
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  Speaker 2: Because they were catching a bus and mum and dad
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  Speaker 2: wanted to make sure they were safe.
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  Speaker 1: I'm just going to put this out there. It's not
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  Speaker 1: a right of passage to go to high school and
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  Speaker 1: therefore get a phone. At least wait until eighth grade,
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  Speaker 1: ninth grade, something like that. You don't have to give
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  Speaker 1: your kids a phone just because they're going to high
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  Speaker 1: school and just because everyone else apparently is doing it
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  Speaker 1: because they're not well.
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  Speaker 2: They decided that they'd learned their lesson and they were
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  Speaker 2: not bending the rules this time, and my parents they
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  Speaker 2: were going to withhold that privilege for as long as
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  Speaker 2: they could. And so her son kept badgering her and
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  Speaker 2: telling her that he was the only kid in the
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  Speaker 2: class that didn't have a mobile phone, and she was
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  Speaker 2: feeling so bad and really really pressured. But she also
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  Speaker 2: knew that there was one other kid in the class,
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  Speaker 2: and she'd spoken to the parents and they were on
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  Speaker 2: the same page and they had decided they weren't giving
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  Speaker 2: this on a mobile phone. And she said, well, what
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  Speaker 2: about so, and so, and he said, oh, no, he's
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  Speaker 2: got one, and she's like, no way, there is no
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  Speaker 2: way he's got one. Or she bumped into his mum
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  Speaker 2: a few days later and she was like, oh, my
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  Speaker 2: son tells me that your son's got a phone. And
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  Speaker 2: she said, yeah, because my son told me that your
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  Speaker 2: son's got one.
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  Speaker 1: No, they've been They just totally worked their parents. That's
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  Speaker 1: what they do. Well, let's talk about stuff and just
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  Speaker 1: make sure that our parents don't talk and we'll be fine.
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  Speaker 2: She literally looked at her and she said, no, we
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  Speaker 2: talked about this. I'm not kidding my son a phone.
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  Speaker 2: So now he is the only kid in the class
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  Speaker 2: he doesn't have.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't take the phone off them. Wow, you didn't
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  Speaker 1: tell me the punchline when you were telling me the
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  Speaker 1: story the other day. All right, so here's the deal.
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  Speaker 2: Just such tricky stuff.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, the conversation that we had on Wednesday with
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  Speaker 1: doctor Brad Marshall about the impact of phones on every
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  Speaker 1: aspect of kids' lives. If you haven't listened to that chat,
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  Speaker 1: I think it's one of the best end of it
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  Speaker 1: we've ever done on the Happy Families podcast. Definitely worth
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  Speaker 1: a listen. Wednesday's conversation with doctor Brad Marshall. So glad
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  Speaker 1: you shared that story. Build the community, Build the community,
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  Speaker 1: Build the community. In a couple of weeks time, I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to be on the border of New South Wales
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  Speaker 1: and Victoria at a spot called Mohamma or Mohamma moamma.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry to everyone living Ina who's listening right
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  Speaker 1: now because they've got a phone pledge event happening. They're
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  Speaker 1: trying to get the entire community on board with this,
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  Speaker 1: and that is the way to do it. Anyway. Old
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  Speaker 1: about it tomorrow is not meant to be about other
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  Speaker 1: people's stories. It's meant to be about our stories. Last week,
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  Speaker 1: our kids, our kids listened to the podcast. I didn't
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  Speaker 1: know this. They listened independently on their own phone to
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  Speaker 1: this podcast, and we got in trouble because we didn't
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  Speaker 1: tell us stories. We made it all about us and
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  Speaker 1: about reviews that have come through. Oh, by the way,
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  Speaker 1: not going to read them, but we've got a couple
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  Speaker 1: of five star reviews as a result of last week's
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  Speaker 1: conversation about reviews. If you like the pod, we love
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  Speaker 1: your five star reviews. Thank you. But this is where
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: we reflect on what we got right or wrong. And
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  Speaker 1: this week we had a very emotional teenager who spoke
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  Speaker 1: with you, what's your old do better tomorrow?
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  Speaker 2: One of our daughters has been on school camp, which
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  Speaker 2: doesn't leave too many daughters to choose from.
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  Speaker 1: So it was the one that was on a school camp.
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  Speaker 1: There we go, but she.
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  Speaker 2: Rang me on day two and she doesn't usually bring
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  Speaker 2: me from camp, so I knew that something was up
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  Speaker 2: straight away. But she was a little bit chirpy, and
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  Speaker 2: I kind of just, you know, answered her questions. But
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  Speaker 2: as the conversation continued, I noticed a definite shift in
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  Speaker 2: her mood and her demeanor, and she said, Mum, I'm
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  Speaker 2: just having a really hard time. And so then she
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  Speaker 2: started to share some of the struggles that she was having,
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  Speaker 2: and in my heart, I was kind of getting a
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  Speaker 2: little bit of anxiety because I know that this experience
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  Speaker 2: for her is challenging. She's on a school camp with
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  Speaker 2: multiple campuses coming together. She's the only kid from her campus,
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  Speaker 2: she has no teachers from her campus there.
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  Speaker 1: So when you think about relatedness as a basic psychological need,
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  Speaker 1: she's in an environment where related needs are not going
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  Speaker 1: to be easily supported because there are no. Relationships really
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  Speaker 1: tricky and if she can't gel, then it makes it
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  Speaker 1: even harder to be on that camp. This is why
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  Speaker 1: we make such a big deal about these basic psychological
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  Speaker 1: needs needs support. Need satisfaction increases wellbeing and motivation. Need frustration,
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  Speaker 1: need thwarting reduces motivation and wellbeing.
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  Speaker 2: She loves the work that she's doing, but it's also
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  Speaker 2: stretching her physically. She's getting up at about three point
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  Speaker 2: thirty each morning so that she can muck out stables
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  Speaker 2: and work with horses, and it's all day, like she's
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  Speaker 2: relentless all day. And so she continued to get more
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  Speaker 2: and more worked up as she shared things with me,
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  Speaker 2: and then all of a sudden, there was just this
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  Speaker 2: shift and she said, Mum, I know I'm going to
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  Speaker 2: be okay. I've got through harder things than this. She said,
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  Speaker 2: I just needed to hear voice today, and I'm just
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  Speaker 2: so proud of this kid. But what it also helped
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  Speaker 2: me recognize is that I don't actually have to have
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  Speaker 2: all the answers. She just needed to know. Like the
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  Speaker 2: last thing she said to me is thanks for picking up.
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  Speaker 2: That was the gold standard for Tuesday that I picked
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  Speaker 2: up the phone. I didn't say anything wise. I didn't
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  Speaker 2: didn't make anything better.
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  Speaker 1: Didn't do any emotion coaching, didn't do any gentle parenting,
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  Speaker 1: didn't do any problem solving.
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  Speaker 2: I just listened. I literally just listened, and that was enough.
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  Speaker 1: It's great. Take our message after the break, the magic
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  Speaker 1: milestone that everybody should celebrate, but nobody's thought of before
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  Speaker 1: we made it happen. This week, I'll tell you more
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  Speaker 1: in just a second.
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  Speaker 2: You know you're extra right.
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  Speaker 1: You know I am extra So here's the details. Thanks
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  Speaker 1: so much for hanging in there while we do our
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  Speaker 1: older better tomorrow. My old better tomorrow is not so
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  Speaker 1: much about parenting. It's about husbanding and why. It's about
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  Speaker 1: being a strong couple. This is something that we talk
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  Speaker 1: about on the pod from time to time, and I
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  Speaker 1: just don't think it gets enough emphasis. We get so
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  Speaker 1: worried about the kids sometimes we forget the relationship that
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  Speaker 1: matters most, which is the if you're fortunate enough to
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  Speaker 1: be in a married a partner relationship, it's the relationship
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  Speaker 1: that you share with your significant other. So here's the background.
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  Speaker 1: Earlier this year, as we were coming up to our
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  Speaker 1: twenty seventh anniversary, I started playing around with the numbers
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  Speaker 1: in my head on like twenty seven years, three hundred
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  Speaker 1: and sixty five days. I did some quick sums and
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  Speaker 1: I was like, m, that sounds like it's gott to
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  Speaker 1: be in the nine thousands. It might have been getting
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  Speaker 1: close to ten thousand days. And so I jumped into
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  Speaker 1: ai because I wasn't going to do the calculations and
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  Speaker 1: work out the leap years. And I put out our
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  Speaker 1: wedding date in and I put that date in, and
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  Speaker 1: I said how many days has it been? Turns out
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  Speaker 1: it'd been nine thy eight hundred and something days. My
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  Speaker 1: mouth was good, and then I thought, you know what,
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  Speaker 1: ten thousand days is a big deal. I wonder what
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  Speaker 1: date that will be. And this week we had our
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  Speaker 1: ten thousand day wedding anniversary for ten thousand days. One
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  Speaker 1: of the days this week, it was on Tuesday, and
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  Speaker 1: so I booked us a special event. You and I
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  Speaker 1: went hot air ballooning and had a house this. Let's
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  Speaker 1: celebrate the day by waking up at four point thirty
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  Speaker 1: driving for an hour in the freezing cold, climbing into
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  Speaker 1: a hot air balloon with a bunch of strangers. It
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  Speaker 1: was great Sunshine Coast ballooning. I'm giving them a plug
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  Speaker 1: that they didn't pay for it. It's not a sponsored
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  Speaker 1: post or anything. But we just had such a great morning.
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  Speaker 1: It was serene, it was calm, I would say it was.
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  Speaker 1: It was quite blissful.
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  Speaker 2: Obviously, you have the burst of hot air going up
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  Speaker 2: and so that creates noise, but outside of that, I
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  Speaker 2: was actually blown away.
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  Speaker 1: Literally you're in a balloon. You're blown away. I love it.
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  Speaker 1: See what you did there. It didn't even mean it.
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  Speaker 2: It was so quiet. Yeah, it was so quiet, and
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  Speaker 2: I didn't expect it to be so smooth, like, because.
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  Speaker 1: You're just going with the wind, so you don't feel
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  Speaker 1: you're just moving, and it doesn't. I feel like if
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  Speaker 1: you weren't watching, you wouldn't know you were moving.
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  Speaker 2: No, no, And there was no like, there was no movement.
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  Speaker 1: So it was a real tree. It was a real tree.
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  Speaker 1: But the main thing that I want to emphasize is
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  Speaker 1: if you want to have a strong family, if you
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  Speaker 1: want to have happy kids, having a great relationship with
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  Speaker 1: your husband, wife, partner, spouse, it makes a huge difference.
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  Speaker 1: And finding ways to celebrate one another and to celebrate
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  Speaker 1: the relationship that you share is wonderful.
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  Speaker 2: It's just such a crazy ways to make an excuse
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  Speaker 2: to celebrate.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean maybe maybe we will have
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  Speaker 1: a celebration for the ten thousand, seven hundred and forty
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  Speaker 1: third day as well, just because it's really nice to
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  Speaker 1: do that stuff. Oh, that's a couple of years away.
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  Speaker 1: I think we should do it sooner than that. I'd
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  Speaker 1: do better tomorrow is how can you celebrate one another.
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  Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be hot, air ballooning. It doesn't
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  Speaker 1: even have to be expensive. It could be a flower
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  Speaker 1: that you pick out of the garden on the way
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  Speaker 1: in the door. It might be picking up your speaking.
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  Speaker 1: I guess I'm speaking to the men. Maybe women like
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  Speaker 1: to pick up their men as well. I don't know.
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  Speaker 1: It might be picking up your partner and swinging them
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  Speaker 1: around the room something that we haven't done for us,
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: dancing in the kitchen. Dancing in the kitchen, well, you
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  Speaker 1: could make me dinner tonight. That's a deal. That's a deal. Anyway.
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  Speaker 1: That's my old about it tomorrow. Find ways to celebrate
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  Speaker 1: and just love, love and show that you love your husband, wife, spouse, partner.
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  Speaker 1: It was a real treat to do that. I do
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  Speaker 1: have other older a better Tomorrow's about our kids, and
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  Speaker 1: I kind of want to share them, but I'm going
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: to get in trouble for going for too long by
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: the kids who say that if we talk too much
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  Speaker 1: it gets us in trouble, but they do like hearing
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  Speaker 1: their names. I'm going to share two really quick stories
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  Speaker 1: in thirty seconds. I know you're pulling a face at me,
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: but I'm going to do it anyway. My podcast, My rules.
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  Speaker 1: The same daughter. I rang her the next day and
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: she had a little cry with me as well, and
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: then said, but I've got it, and again I didn't
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: have any solutions. I was like, okay, forty eight hours
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: to go. I believe in you. You got this. And
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: another one of our daughters who was having a really
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: rough time before an exam, I don't know if I
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: got this one right. I said, you just have to
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: go tough enough. It's futile to argue with it. Stop
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: being a worry what stop being anxious. I don't care
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: if you get zero. It actually doesn't matter. You just
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: need to go and do the exam and then the
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: school tod of this. You have to do it. So
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: I just looked like the big bad parent. Anyway, take
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  Speaker 1: our message, love, don't have to have all the answers.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Even if you do have answers, you're probably going to
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: be wrong.
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  Speaker 2: You're painting this beautiful picture. I just love it.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: But this is live. I'm actually saying it to highlight
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: we're the pairing experts, right. I've written the books, We've
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: done all this stuff for the last twenty five years
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: with our own kids. You don't have to have all
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: the answers. You just have to love each other. I
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: love those kids, and I was there for them to
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: have the conversations. I'm crazy about you, absolutely mad about you,
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: and made a celebration of an anniversary that I don't
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: I've never seen this. I have've never heard anyone else talk
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: about that ten thousandth day. We should wrap this up.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Mim Hammond's provides admin research and additional support,
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: and if you'd like more resources to make your family happier,
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: you can find them all at happy families dot com
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: dot au. Have a great weekend, find ways to connect,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: find ways to love, and we'll talk to you again
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: on Monday.