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Sober Talk SA - Vanessa · Sober Talk SA

• 0:02
  Welcome to Sober TALK. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
• 0:06
  Soap dear. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
• 0:10
  If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
• 0:13
  call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
• 0:19
  I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
• 0:26
  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
• 0:29
  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
• 0:31
  fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
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  with each other that they may solve their common problems and
• 0:39
  help with us to recover from alcoholism.
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  The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
• 0:45
  drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
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  We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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  He is not allied with any sect in omission politics,
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  organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
• 1:00
  controversy, either endorses or oppose any causes.
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  Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other Alcoholics
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  are chiefs of Brady. Thank you, Peter.
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  Thank you everybody. I'm Vanessa and I'm alcoholic
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  but and thank you to the group for inviting me to speak
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  tonight. It's not something that I always
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  feel very comfortable doing, but I was always told in the
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  beginning not to say no to people who asked you to do
• 1:32
  things in a a. So you know, I sit here and
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  probably be a bit nervous for a while, but hopefully I'll settle
• 1:39
  down. The nerves will settle, You
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  know, I, the journey started for me in Gulwa, not Gulwa.
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  People often say, are you from Gulwa?
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  No, I'm from Gulwa, you know, and it happened a fair few years
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  ago. And for me, I ended up on my
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  knees, you know, to a God that I had no idea about.
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  But what happened for me is I everything was removed.
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  My family was removed, my husband was removed, the house,
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  the cars, everything had been removed.
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  You know, and I'd ended up that weekend on a Saturday night,
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  absolutely blind drunk again and just in tears.
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  And just, I just asked God to help me because there was no one
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  else there to help me. And I was just desperate.
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  And, and now I know what that is, you know, that gift of
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  desperation because I had nowhere to turn.
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  And I grew up in Sydney with a quite a dysfunctional family.
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  And my father was a chronic alcoholic.
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  So he would disappear for weeks on end to drink.
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  And he would. I actually didn't know who he
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  was because he'd left when I was 3.
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  But through my journey, I actually blamed him for a lot of
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  my life, you know, like, if my father was there and, you know,
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  if he was a better father and he was an alcoholic, I'd, you know,
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  be a better person. But it was not his fault.
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  And you know, and then my mum remarried another alcoholic who
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  I would call the functioning 1. He, he went to work every day,
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  he provided for us. There was four other siblings at
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  the time. And then my baby sister came
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  along. But, you know, that was a very
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  unpredictable household. And I won't go into that story
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  about it, but yeah, it wasn't very pleasant.
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  It was very aggressive. And and, you know, he, he drink
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  to a point and then come out sort of screaming and carrying
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  on. But, you know, for me, I spent
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  many, many years not not wanting to be an alcoholic.
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  And you know, and, and what I, what I thought in my delusion
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  that alcoholism was daily drinking.
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  And for me, that's how I, I, I understood it.
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  But what happened for me? So I, I've been drank for many,
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  many, many years. And because then what I know now
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  is I put that alcohol in and I'm compelled to keep going.
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  I have no stop button. I have no pause.
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  I have no rationale when I drink.
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  So I just, you know, I take off. But I didn't understand that for
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  a long time, you know, so I would never, I never thought I
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  had an alcoholic problem. I knew that it got me into
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  trouble at a lot of times. I could go into the drunk logs,
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  but I think we've all had those and lots of stuff I'm not proud
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  of as a woman, you know, to, to have done those things.
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  But for me, I understand the progression of alcoholism now.
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  You know, I didn't understand that progression in the
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  beginning. And I ended up, so I was 39
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  years of age, on my knees begging for God to help me.
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  I believe that night, which I didn't understand at the time,
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  that that compulsionate drink was removed.
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  And I don't know how because I'd tried so many times before.
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  And I just, and especially in the end, because I was daily
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  drinking, I was just daily drinking cask wine out of the
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  fridge, just unmanageable. And yeah, I just didn't
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  understand. So I believe at that point, that
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  was my first spiritual experience.
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  And I still feel that today. It still gives me goosebumps
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  because yeah, like I said, I couldn't not drink, couldn't not
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  not drink. But I hung on.
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  So I didn't know about AI then, which is really bizarre.
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  And I think that's, for me, it'd have to happen that way.
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  Everything had to be stripped away, you know, including
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  myself, you know, because I had that quite, you know, ego and
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  stuff like that because, you know, I can do this.
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  And, you know, I was quite successful at jobs and
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  everything as well. You know, I'd held down jobs,
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  but by the end there was no success in what I was doing.
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  And, and unfortunately I was married and, and yeah, and had
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  kids at the time. And the exact same thing was
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  happening that my father did, the idol was doing.
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  And I thought I actually willed myself to that, you know, but
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  little did I know, you know, and understand alcoholism.
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  I had to come to AI to understand what alcoholism was.
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  And even though I'd been brought up in that environment, but
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  yeah, I, I, I read the paper so, and I don't do that.
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  I'd read the local community paper and there was an ad in the
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  community ad and it, and it talked about an IA meeting.
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  And I don't know why I was drawn to that, but I know now and I
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  feel again, that was another experience again, you know,
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  spiritually and, and that higher power and that pool to get me
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  into the rooms. And so I, I looked at that ad
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  and I waited and I waited because I was so scared, you
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  know, I, I, in the end, it was 4 weeks had passed.
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  I was hanging on for grim death. I was going to pick up another
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  drink and I was talking to my slut.
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  My head was just getting a whole lot worse.
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  It was getting a whole lot racy. A lot of the stuff was, you
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  know, coming to light. So all the fear was bubbling up.
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  And yeah, and I read that ad and and I decide so.
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  But each Tuesday, it was on a Tuesday night.
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  So each Tuesday would come round and I would just oh, and make
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  some excuse not to go. And until, you know, that that
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  two months had passed and I was and I had and I was going to
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  pick up another drink, you know, I was going to go to that drive
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  through again. I was going to go and get that
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  cask of wine. And I just didn't want to, you
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  know, I had enough past history. I just didn't want to do that
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  again, you know, and get on that merry go round.
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  So I sat in the car park at Kahoora and I and I cried and I
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  asked for the strength to go in because I wasn't going to go in
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  either. And yeah, and I, and I did, you
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  know, I found that courage. And I think that's why I always
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  say to the newcomer that walks in the door, you've, you know,
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  it's taken you a lot of courage to just walk through that door.
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  And it still makes me quiver because it is it's it's
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  powerful, but it's fearful. You know, I was so scared
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  because I never live without a substance and there's other
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  outside issues that I have problems with as well.
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  And I was never, I was never completely sober.
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  Yeah. So I walked in the doors of
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  Alcoholics Anonymous and I sat down next to this gentleman who
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  is still my very good friend today.
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  And, you know, he went through the whole process of what
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  happens and, you know, and I didn't really, nothing really
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  sunk in because I was so scared. And, yeah, but he, you know, I
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  knew I was in the right place when I just listened to some of
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  those women, Cher. And those people just opened up
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  and was honest because I had. I'd stop being honest, you know,
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  I was just a lie and a cheat and all.
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  I just. Yeah, or so self centred, but
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  yeah, I sat, I sat down and I got identification.
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  I didn't know what I didn't know that that was what it was called
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  in the beginning. But yeah, they told me to keep
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  coming back. And, and I say that to people
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  today because I didn't want to come back.
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  It got worse for me, you know, because I'd lost my kids.
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  I was going through court trying to get visitation and and all
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  that stuff that comes with it. And yeah, it was just so
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  painful, you know, And but they just kept saying keep coming
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  back, it's going to get better, you know, wait for that miracle.
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  And I waited years to even feel that miracle, you know, But in
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  the end, it came, you know, and it's just that persistence of
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  keep coming back, you know, things are going to change.
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  Put that action in, you know, And sometimes it was just for
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  me, it was just to go to sleep, you know, say a prayer to
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  someone. God, I didn't understand, you
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  know, and, and just ask for his help.
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  Yeah. And, and it took, took I cried
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  for two years straight, I reckon, which is probably even a
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  bit longer in every meeting. And I still cry because I, I am
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  very emotional. This stuff makes me really
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  emotional. And they say, you know, don't
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  resent the past and I don't resent the past.
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  There is, I've, I regret some of it, of course, but I don't live
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  in in that uneasiness of the past, you know, because what
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  I've done is I've rebuilt Vanessa to a point that I
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  actually love her. And I can say that today because
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  I didn't love her in the beginning.
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  She done a lot of harm to people.
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  So, you know, for me, you know, I'd lost my kids and I actually,
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  my daughter didn't speak to me for a long, long time, you know,
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  and I would always sit in these meetings and, and they'd say,
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  oh, yeah, it's going to get better.
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  And I'm saying when, when, when, when.
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  But unfortunately, it's not in my time.
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  You know, I had to grow and learn and fail and, you know,
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  cry and laugh and, you know, just people loved me until I
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  could love myself. And that's pretty much all it
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  was until I could actually look myself in the mirror and be
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  grateful. And I'm sober just today.
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  My kids are extremely proud of me now.
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  You know, I have built those relationships back and that took
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  me a well, took me and my daughter a long, long time.
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  She hated me. But they just told me just to
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  keep loving her and and just accept what's going to happen.
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  You may not get her back. No, you may not have those
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  relationships. But yeah, I hung in there for a
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  long time and yeah, and I and I had to get well, you know, and
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  getting well for me is obviously the main crux of it is the
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  spiritual side of it, you know, because I can't do this with
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  just me, you know, I have to have a pal that's greater than
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  me to lead me in the right action and the right thinking
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  because my thinking on my own is completely off kilter.
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  I think I, I did joke about it with Arthur.
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  I don't tell people what goes on in my head because they think I
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  was nuts, you know? So I do have to do that
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  meditation and that quieting of the mind because mine races, it
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  races a lot. People look at me and go, oh,
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  you're so calm and I'll go, thank you.
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  You know, at least I look calm because on the inside I'm not
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  feeling calm. But you know, over time that has
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  got a whole lot better, you know, and it is only the tools
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  and the action that I've learnt in these rooms that have got me
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  to the place I am today. And, you know, I'm just sober
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  today, you know, and it talked about it in in that on page 85,
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  you know, you know, it's contingent on my spiritual
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  condition because that is that that is for me.
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  That is the power, you know, I have to work.
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  And that spiritual stuff progressed over time.
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  Like that did not happen in the beginning, you know, it was a
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  progression for me, you know, I had to learn how to, you know,
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  to, you know, to hand it over to God and you know, he'll take
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  care of me because I never trusted anybody or anything, you
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  know, things. So, you know, I had to put that
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  trust in someone. And that trust for me is, is me
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  is my higher power. And you know, he has got me
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  sitting on this seat today and I'll give him all the glory.
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  And for me, it's spiritual, you know, and I have to work on that
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  spiritual within me, you know, it's not people and places and
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  stuff and material things, because for me that all comes
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  back. It, it, it's actually knowing
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  who I am, you know, and, and what I can give to other people.
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  Because, you know, I was this selfish self centred person who
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  thought she she was doing the right.
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  Like my ego was telling me that I was the greatest mother and on
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  the planet, But in all reality, I am not, you know, and I'm only
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  that better mother, you know, because I've, I've learnt in
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  here of how to have love and patience and compassion and
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  tolerance and, and all that stuff.
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  You know, my kids are addicts. So as a sober mum, an addict
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  herself, you know, to bring, to have to look at your kids in
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  that, in that way and know there's another way for them.
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  But actually taking my hands off and allowing them to have their
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  own journey is the to me is the hardest thing I've ever, ever
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  had to do. Because I just want to grab them
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  by the neck and try and control everything and say, look, this
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  is how it all happens. This is, you know, point to the
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  book in there, but you can't, you actually have to feel this
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  stuff. You have to make these choices
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  yourself because it's difficult and it's tough.
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  And for me it was it was the hardest and toughest thing I
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  would ever have to do. And I'll continue to do, you
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  know, on a daily basis because I don't, I don't do this perfect,
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  you know, and I and I asked my power to actually guide me into
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  it and, and to allow me, you know, to be, you know, more
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  perfect in his eyes. But, you know, I'm not, I'm
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  human. And I have got a lot of learning
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  to do because I keep having to learn and I keep having to rote
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  learn for me, because a lot I have a little bit of short term
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  damage. Yeah.
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  So for me, it has to be rote learning and, and, and and that
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  step 11, you know, prayer and meditation to improve my
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  conscious contact with God, because he is the only one that
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  can lead me in the right direction.
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  Because if I've got the reins, I'm going down the, the wild
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  road and not, not the the good Rd. where I'm supposed to be
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  heading. But you know, my family, I've,
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  I've actually remarried. My family are extremely
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  important to me. Not that they weren't in the in
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  the in the over my years, but you know, those relationships, I
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  I am grateful for those relationships now because it's
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  taken me a long time to rebuild them.
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  And I definitely don't want to go back to that person I was
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  because, you know, yeah. And This is why I come to
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  meetings as well, to re reflect on that past and not shut the
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  door on it. But that person is not me today.
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  The person that sits here today is, you know, is an is an honest
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  person or I try to be. If I'm not, I'll reflect on my
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  day and ask for the honesty to come.
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  But I appreciate, thank you for listening.
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  And yeah, I appreciate the the you asking me to share my story.
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  Thank you. A A has more than two million
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  recovering Alcoholics throughout the world.
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  In Australia there are about 18,000 members.
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  They're made in over 2000 local meetings spread around the
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  country. Meetings range in size from a
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  handful in some areas to hundreds or more in larger
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  communities. And once again, if anyone you
• 21:12
  know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call Alcoholics
• 21:16
  Announcing 1300 Double 22222 or visit their website on aa.org
• 21:24
  dot AU.