Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #156 Should They Wait to Date?

Transcript

#156 Should They Wait to Date? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:00
Speaker 1: What you see happen is instead of the relationship, that
0:02
Speaker 1: romantic relationship enlarging your life and enlarging the circle of
0:06
Speaker 1: friends that you have, it actually diminishes it.
0:10
Speaker 2: It's a Happy Family's Podcast, the podcast for the time
0:15
Speaker 2: poor parent, he Yes Wants Answers Now.
0:18
Speaker 3: Hello. This is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six
0:20
Speaker 3: books about raising happy families. On here with my wife Kylie,
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Speaker 3: missus Happy Families Mum to our six daughters.
0:28
Speaker 1: It always intrigues me the relationship each of our children
0:32
Speaker 1: have with money.
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Speaker 2: They're all so different.
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Speaker 1: Running can be a motivator for some, it can literally
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Speaker 1: be just a non event for others.
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Speaker 2: And then there's little Emily.
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Speaker 1: So Emily has lost four teeth now. And in the beginning,
0:49
Speaker 1: she was so excited when she realized that the tooth
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Speaker 1: Fairy actually gave money for her teeth, but she lost
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Speaker 1: two of her teeth, the first two teeth down the drain,
0:57
Speaker 1: trying to wash them up and make them nice and
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Speaker 1: shiny for the tooth Fairy. And when I suggested to
1:02
Speaker 1: her that if she wanted the tooth Fairy to show up,
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Speaker 1: she was going to have to write a letter, all
1:05
Speaker 1: that changed everything.
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Speaker 3: She wouldn't she knew how to She was just like, nah,
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Speaker 3: I don't want the money that much. I'm not going
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Speaker 3: to write a litter. How much are you're offering now?
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Speaker 2: That's too much work. And so the other day she
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Speaker 2: lost her tooth.
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Speaker 1: She actually literally woke up and the tooth fell into
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Speaker 1: her mouth no way, and.
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Speaker 2: She came racing out of her bedroom and said, look, mommy,
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Speaker 2: my tooth fell out. I don't know how she didn't
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Speaker 2: swallow it. I was so impressed.
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Speaker 1: But she was so excited about this because she had
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Speaker 1: her tooth fairy pillow or ready to go, and she
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Speaker 1: stuck her tooth inside it and she put it on
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Speaker 1: my door.
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Speaker 3: On our door. Can I just say that on our door?
1:45
Speaker 3: We actually share the door.
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Speaker 2: Oh okay, on your door as well as my talk
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Speaker 2: on our door.
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Speaker 3: Thank you?
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Speaker 2: Yes.
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Speaker 1: Because our children have worked out if they leave it
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Speaker 1: in their rooms that the tooth fairy often forgets to come.
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Speaker 3: This is the ultimate parenting fail, right. We are so
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Speaker 3: tired by the time the kids go to bed, and
2:01
Speaker 3: you know.
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Speaker 2: Sleep before they are Let's let's be honest.
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Speaker 3: As the children get older, they actually start going to
2:06
Speaker 3: bed after you. And it's so hard to get your
2:09
Speaker 3: head around that. But we we kind of are at
2:12
Speaker 3: this point now where we put the kids to bed,
2:15
Speaker 3: but they sort of stay up reading and then we
2:16
Speaker 3: go to bed and sometimes we just fall asleep. And
2:19
Speaker 3: the kids have actually learned that if they leave the
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Speaker 3: tooth Fairy pillow out and they expect that we're going
2:24
Speaker 3: to come back into the room and put Oh sorry,
2:26
Speaker 3: I'm just I'm completely spoiler okay, spoiler alert, make sure
2:30
Speaker 3: the kids aren't listening to this pod. So basically they
2:36
Speaker 3: know that if they fall asleep and we haven't sorry,
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Speaker 3: the tooth Fairy hasn't appeared already, that they're not going
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Speaker 3: to get anything. And so what they've discovered is it's
2:46
Speaker 3: much better to leave the tooth Fairy pillow in Mum
2:48
Speaker 3: and Dad's bedroom because then there's actually a chance that
2:51
Speaker 3: there might be some money. Because we fall asleep, we
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Speaker 3: forget to go in there and help the tooth Fairy
2:56
Speaker 3: to get those coins into the tooth very pillow.
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Speaker 1: Anyway, sorry, Emily came in the next morning and she
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Speaker 1: looked inside her tooth three pillow and noticed that there
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Speaker 1: was a handful of coins.
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Speaker 2: But they stayed there for a few days.
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Speaker 3: I noticed that they were just hanging on our door
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Speaker 3: for like four days.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. And when I asked her why she had left
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Speaker 2: the money there, do you know what? She told me.
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Speaker 1: No, we have a giving jar. It's a bit of
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Speaker 1: a tradition in our family. We kind of just collect
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Speaker 1: all of our coins, loose change, and we put it
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Speaker 1: in there throughout the year, and then at the end
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Speaker 1: of the year, we choose a charity that we donate to.
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Speaker 1: And Emily looked at me and she said, Mommy, I
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Speaker 1: want to put my tooth fairy money into the giving jar.
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Speaker 3: Oh that is so awesome.
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Speaker 2: She just s melts my heart.
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Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, she's such a great kid. I love I
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Speaker 3: love stories like that. I didn't know about that. I
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Speaker 3: had watched the tooth ferry money not disappear for several days,
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Speaker 3: but I hadn't thought to actually ask what was going on.
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Speaker 3: In fact, I'd thought to ask, but she was always busy.
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Speaker 3: She's a busy kid. She is a busy kid, so
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Speaker 3: she wants to donate it. How nice is that? Hey,
3:57
Speaker 3: we should really talk about our topic. I'm so glad
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Speaker 3: you shared that. But our top for today is based
4:01
Speaker 3: on some feedback that came from Jess Jess contacted us
4:06
Speaker 3: via podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot you, and
4:09
Speaker 3: she had a question for us that I think, well,
4:13
Speaker 3: this is where we're going to spend our time here.
4:15
Speaker 3: She said, love your podcasts. They provide a lot of
4:17
Speaker 3: good tips and perspectives on parenting. And I agree with
4:20
Speaker 3: a lot of your other reviews that you're this light
4:22
Speaker 3: at the end of the tunnel when I most need help.
4:25
Speaker 3: And she said, would you have podcasts that talk about
4:28
Speaker 3: tweens getting into relationships? How and when to step in?
4:33
Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. This sounds serious,
4:37
Speaker 3: So tweens and relationships. How old or how young is
4:42
Speaker 3: too young to have a girlfriend or a both friend?
4:47
Speaker 2: Oh, this is such a this is such a tricky question.
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Speaker 3: So I've got a pet peeve. And I don't know
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Speaker 3: if I'm supposed to have such a strong opinion on this,
4:55
Speaker 3: but I've got a real pet peeve. It really ticks
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Speaker 3: me off. I get so frustrated when parents are setting
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Speaker 3: up there four and five year olds at preschool or kindy.
5:04
Speaker 3: They're like, oh, I think that you know, those still
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Speaker 3: are going to make a great pair. I'm like, they're
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Speaker 3: just kids. Stop trying to set them up. Don't romanticize this,
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Speaker 3: they're not old enough or it, don't even start the conversation.
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Speaker 3: I don't know why I have such a huge reaction
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Speaker 3: to it, but I really just want kids to be kids,
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Speaker 3: and I don't think that there should be a romantic
5:22
Speaker 3: interest or even any I know it's just playful. I
5:25
Speaker 3: know it's just fun. But when parents are setting their
5:27
Speaker 3: kids up at such a young age, I just inwardly,
5:31
Speaker 3: it just, I don't know what the word is. It
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Speaker 3: greats on me, It bothers me because I think kids
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Speaker 3: should just be allowed to develop natural, good wholesome friendships
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Speaker 3: for as long as they can. They don't need that
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Speaker 3: romantic influence so young.
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Speaker 1: No, And I think that one of the things, you know,
5:50
Speaker 1: being a mum of six girls, I have never kind
5:54
Speaker 1: of gone down that road. But I have actually celebrated
5:57
Speaker 1: my children having friendships with boys.
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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, for sure, I have lsey and natural.
6:03
Speaker 2: It's a lot.
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Speaker 1: Fostering those relationships because those beautiful friendships that they have had,
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Speaker 1: and each of them have have had a handful of
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Speaker 1: boys in their lives that have just been beautiful friends.
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Speaker 1: Helps them to you know, kind of recognize and see
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Speaker 1: how good relationships work with males in our case, you know,
6:27
Speaker 1: having boys that treat them well and a people that
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Speaker 1: they can, you know, communicate clearly with these really important
6:34
Speaker 1: skills that our girls and boys need to know. But
6:37
Speaker 1: to have those positive relationships early on. I think set's
6:41
Speaker 1: a really beautiful tone for the future.
6:43
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, let's talk about how we can answer Jess's
6:45
Speaker 3: questions specifically. Next, it's the Happy Families podcast.
6:49
Speaker 4: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
6:53
Speaker 4: to feel bad or in trouble. The Do's and donts
6:55
Speaker 4: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
6:58
Speaker 4: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happyfamilies
7:02
Speaker 4: dot com dot au slash shop.
7:04
Speaker 3: It's the Happy Famili's podcast, The podcast for the time
7:07
Speaker 3: poor parent who just once answers now And if you've
7:10
Speaker 3: ever been in that situation where your children are far
7:12
Speaker 3: too young to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but
7:14
Speaker 3: they've got one, what are you supposed to do? We've
7:18
Speaker 3: got one child who is well into her later teen
7:21
Speaker 3: years now, she's no longer in her mid teens, and
7:24
Speaker 3: she's got a boyfriend, and.
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Speaker 2: This has just come to light for us.
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Speaker 3: And she is just loving the fact that she's got
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Speaker 3: a boyfriend and making life hard for me because of it.
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Speaker 3: So the other day we're driving, I was taking her
7:38
Speaker 3: to a music lesson and I had to read my
7:41
Speaker 3: dad just to say, hey, Dad, I wanted to feel
7:43
Speaker 3: you in about such and such, And this daughter jumps
7:46
Speaker 3: over the top of me on the telephone and says, Poppy, Poppy,
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Speaker 3: guess what. And my dad says what and she says,
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Speaker 3: I've got a boyfriend, and then she mentions what his
7:56
Speaker 3: name is, and she's just so funny about it. And
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Speaker 3: I mean, it's absolutely and she's in her late teens,
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Speaker 3: so that's fine, but at what age is it actually fine?
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Speaker 3: And I've got to be honest, like, as a dad,
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Speaker 3: even watching this child in her mid to late teens
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Speaker 3: having this experience, I'm like, oh, gosh, not yet. Please, No,
8:14
Speaker 3: just stay away from any romantic relationships for another year
8:18
Speaker 3: or two, please. But how do you sort of talk
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Speaker 3: to the kids about this if they're in grade four
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Speaker 3: or grade five, you know, they're tweens, they're between eight
8:26
Speaker 3: and twelve, and they're like, oh, I'm so in love.
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Speaker 3: You know, I'm dating this person, even though obviously dating
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Speaker 3: means they maybe look at each other across the classroom
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Speaker 3: and that's about the extent of their date. How do
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Speaker 3: you have these conversations? What do you think?
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Speaker 1: I think having open, honest conversations is so important. And
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Speaker 1: one of the things that really stands out to me
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Speaker 1: when I kind of think about this topic in general,
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Speaker 1: is why are our children feeling like they need to
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Speaker 1: have this kind of relationship. I was talking to our
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Speaker 1: ten year old to the other day. She actually kind
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Speaker 1: of said, oh, I think I'm on this boy in
9:01
Speaker 1: my class. I said, Lily, I said, can't you just.
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Speaker 2: Be a ten year old? And she said, mum.
9:07
Speaker 1: And my thirteen year old joined in at the same
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Speaker 1: time and she said, at ten years old, she said, literally,
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Speaker 1: everyone in our class has a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's what we do at that age, that's what
9:17
Speaker 3: they do. And I was the same. I remember when
9:20
Speaker 3: I was in grade three, I had this huge crush
9:23
Speaker 3: on Bobby McMinn and she was missus. McMann was one
9:27
Speaker 3: of my I think my grade two teacher. And the
9:30
Speaker 3: next year I've got this massive crush on Bobby McMann.
9:32
Speaker 3: I'm eight years old, for goodness sakes, nine years old.
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Speaker 1: It's normal isn't it. It's a part of our normal development.
9:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, so I think that my response to this is
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Speaker 3: it's normal, and I wouldn't be making a big deal
9:43
Speaker 3: about it, but I'd be curious, not furious. So I'd
9:46
Speaker 3: say to my twin child, let's say that they're nine
9:49
Speaker 3: years old, and Jess didn't say whether she's got a
9:52
Speaker 3: boy or a girl, and what you know, who the
9:54
Speaker 3: crash is on. So let's just go with something really,
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Speaker 3: stand and say Jess has got a little boy who's
9:59
Speaker 3: crushing on a little girl and they're both nine in
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Speaker 3: grade three or grade four or grade five or something
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Speaker 3: like that. What I would say to my son or
10:06
Speaker 3: my daughter is, so you seem to really like that person.
10:10
Speaker 3: What is it about them that you like? So? Are
10:13
Speaker 3: you a girlfriend or a boyfriend?
10:15
Speaker 2: You know, does that mean?
10:17
Speaker 3: And what does that actually mean? What do you do
10:19
Speaker 3: if they're your girlfriend or if they're your boyfriend? What
10:21
Speaker 3: do you do together? And just start to talk to
10:24
Speaker 3: them about what it is to have a healthy relationship,
10:28
Speaker 3: just gentle conversations. Every now and again, you might say, so,
10:31
Speaker 3: how's it going with Well, in my case, back then
10:33
Speaker 3: Mum would have said, how's it going with Bobby. She didn't,
10:35
Speaker 3: of course, but she might have, and just having that
10:39
Speaker 3: gentle conversation with them. But I also think that it's
10:42
Speaker 3: appropriate to caution the kids just a little bit and say,
10:47
Speaker 3: you know what, sometimes boyfriends or girlfriends can create some
10:53
Speaker 3: challenges in our relationships.
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Speaker 1: And I think that's something that we've really noticed with
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Speaker 1: our girls over time. Not so much that I have
11:00
Speaker 1: had personal relationships with boys, but they've watched their friends
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Speaker 1: have personal relationship with boys.
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Speaker 3: And we have hammered this point. I've pushed it really hard.
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Speaker 3: What have you seen happen when your bestie is suddenly
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Speaker 3: getting yourself a boyfriend? She ignores me. I'm like, yeah,
11:15
Speaker 3: how does that feel? You don't want a boyfriend?
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Speaker 1: Well, it's not only that the social discord that takes
11:23
Speaker 1: place as a result of that, because all of a sudden,
11:25
Speaker 1: you know, when things don't go well in the relationship,
11:29
Speaker 1: you've got two groups here and they can't talk to
11:32
Speaker 1: each other anymore because there's been a breakup, and don't
11:36
Speaker 1: be his friend because he broke my heart.
11:38
Speaker 2: But the realities you are, and.
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Speaker 3: So that's where I think the cautionary tale comes in,
11:43
Speaker 3: and it's something that we've really been very clear on
11:45
Speaker 3: with our kids. Is it's great to have a person
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Speaker 3: that you have a crush on, and it's really nice
11:51
Speaker 3: to feel loved, and it's nice to know that somebody
11:53
Speaker 3: thinks that highly of you. But let's think about what
11:56
Speaker 3: we've seen happen with other people who have had boyfriends
11:58
Speaker 3: or girlfriends. What happened to your friendship with them, what
12:01
Speaker 3: happens when they break up? What happens to that whole
12:05
Speaker 3: social fabric of your relationships at school? How does that
12:10
Speaker 3: play out? And our kids typically have said, it's actually
12:14
Speaker 3: pretty awful, and we'd rather just be friends with our
12:17
Speaker 3: friends and not have romantic interests.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, And what you see happen is instead of the relationship,
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Speaker 1: that romantic relationship enlarging your life and enlarging the circle
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Speaker 1: of friends that you have, it actually diminishes.
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Speaker 3: It narrows your friendship circle.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, very much so.
12:31
Speaker 1: And I think that it's really important for us as
12:34
Speaker 1: parents to be able to have these conversations with our kids.
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Speaker 3: Okay, one last quick word of warning. Not every family
12:40
Speaker 3: is going to find this relevant, but many will. During
12:43
Speaker 3: those later tween years and getting to teen years, some
12:47
Speaker 3: expectations can sometimes arise in boyfriend, girlfriend, and relationships around
12:51
Speaker 3: sexual experimentation. Sometimes that might be driven by pornography, sometimes
12:55
Speaker 3: it might be driven by peers. But you know, certainly
12:57
Speaker 3: by about grade five, grade six, some kids in some
13:01
Speaker 3: circumstances are going to be perhaps putting pressure on one
13:05
Speaker 3: another to engage in more physical contact, sometimes really significant
13:12
Speaker 3: physical contact, even at those ages. And so I think
13:15
Speaker 3: that it's really important that as parents we sit down
13:17
Speaker 3: and have that awkward conversation. Don't make it awkward, but
13:19
Speaker 3: just talk about what our values are, what our morality is,
13:22
Speaker 3: and why it's so important for our children to be
13:25
Speaker 3: really clear around those boundaries. It matters because if that
13:30
Speaker 3: relationship breaks down, how will you feel about knowing that
13:33
Speaker 3: that person has been engaged with you in that kind
13:37
Speaker 3: of behavior and that they might tell other people about it.
13:40
Speaker 3: How will you feel about yourself? These are really big
13:43
Speaker 3: questions that parents need to wrestle about with their kids,
13:46
Speaker 3: and there is no script. I'm not going to give
13:47
Speaker 3: you a script, but these are really big conversations that
13:50
Speaker 3: we need to have even I think from the age
13:52
Speaker 3: of well, if they've got a boyfriend or girlfriend from
13:54
Speaker 3: around the age of eleven or twelve years.
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Speaker 1: Of age yeah, and I think, you know, kind of
13:58
Speaker 1: acknowledging that our body have been created in such a
14:01
Speaker 1: way that we respond to touch and you know, stimulus
14:05
Speaker 1: and all of those kinds of things.
14:06
Speaker 3: And it is exciting and it's supposed to be.
14:10
Speaker 2: But where do we draw the line? You know?
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Speaker 1: I think that without having those conversations with our kids,
14:15
Speaker 1: they find themselves in a position where one thing leads
14:19
Speaker 1: to another thing leads to another thing, and it wasn't
14:21
Speaker 1: necessarily where they wanted to go, but because in the
14:24
Speaker 1: moment it felt good, they kind of coerced along the
14:27
Speaker 1: process or you want to explore, but don't really understand
14:31
Speaker 1: the ramifications for that exploration at such early ages.
14:35
Speaker 3: And you know what, just the basic simple level, I
14:38
Speaker 3: reckon it's really important to remind them that if you
14:40
Speaker 3: do something sexual with somebody else, everyone's going to know.
14:43
Speaker 3: Because kids when they're ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, sometimes
14:46
Speaker 3: even twenty eight, they don't keep their mouths shut. They
14:49
Speaker 3: do tell everybody, and that can have a really significant
14:52
Speaker 3: impact on reputations. Rightly or wrongly, that's what happens. So
14:55
Speaker 3: I think that it's important that we have that conversation.
14:57
Speaker 1: We hope that you've enjoyed the podcast, and we are
15:00
Speaker 1: so excited to get your reviews from Apple Podcasts.
15:03
Speaker 3: Yeah, we had one come through from Samantha and the
15:05
Speaker 3: Klan another five star review. Thank you so much, Samantha.
15:08
Speaker 3: This one's a long one, so I'm going to summarize it,
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Speaker 3: but there's heaps there. Samantha says, I've got four young kids,
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Speaker 3: and you bet I jumped onto that. I'm usually linking
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Speaker 3: and absolutely hate it when I miss one. And Samantha
15:48
Speaker 3: has just gone on and on and talked about how
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Speaker 3: much she has loved the podcast she says, you won't
15:52
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Speaker 3: part of the family. Having the husband and wife team
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16:26
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16:30
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