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482. Moving past retroactive jealousy, and how to come to terms with leaving my home country for good? · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:07
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome Chitty podcast episode of today.
0:11
Speaker 1: This is a head Noise episode.
0:13
Speaker 2: We love our head Noise episodes.
0:14
Speaker 1: This is an email head Noise episode. I have three
0:17
Speaker 1: emails that I'm going to get through. Very excited to
0:20
Speaker 1: go through this. What do I have as a life update?
0:24
Speaker 1: I normally don't do life updates on head Noise episodes,
0:26
Speaker 1: but I am This is going to sound so lame,
0:29
Speaker 1: but I could not get my head around what kind
0:33
Speaker 1: of consistent workouts I could be doing. If you guys
0:35
Speaker 1: have been following me for a very long time, you
0:37
Speaker 1: will know that I'm you know, movement, fitness workouts all combined.
0:43
Speaker 2: That is a massive part of my life.
0:44
Speaker 1: Not only because I physically love to work out enough
0:48
Speaker 1: how the history used to be a personal trainer and
0:49
Speaker 1: a politian's instructor for ten years before the.
0:51
Speaker 2: Podcast, but because of the very very.
0:55
Speaker 1: Positive impact that it has on my mental health, but
0:58
Speaker 1: my focus, my sleep, my ability to stay on task
1:02
Speaker 1: for extended periods of time. I notice it's a day
1:04
Speaker 1: and night difference. If I've worked out consistently for three
1:07
Speaker 1: days in a row already, I can stay on a
1:09
Speaker 1: task much longer than if I spent multiple days in a.
1:12
Speaker 2: Row not exercising.
1:13
Speaker 1: Okay, so I've had kids six months ago and I
1:18
Speaker 1: was able to get back into like full I would say,
1:20
Speaker 1: like more intense exercise. Maybe after the three month mark,
1:23
Speaker 1: I had like a ten centimeter ab separation. So I
1:26
Speaker 1: was doing very slow incremental rehab work to get me
1:30
Speaker 1: back to where I can now be doing sit ups
1:32
Speaker 1: and all of that. I just wasn't comfortable rushing into it.
1:35
Speaker 1: Literally my toolso felt like jelly. So I'm at a
1:38
Speaker 1: really good place now, but I still haven't found that
1:41
Speaker 1: consistency because in my head, I'm like, well, if I
1:44
Speaker 1: go to a gym and the gym that I like,
1:46
Speaker 1: by the time I go work out, saw when I
1:49
Speaker 1: get my shit together come back, it's kind of a
1:50
Speaker 1: two hour chunk. And trying to carve that out in
1:52
Speaker 1: my day when I also have to work and juggle
1:55
Speaker 1: that with Tyrone and the kids and all of that,
1:56
Speaker 1: it just wasn't what it was before having kids. Now,
1:59
Speaker 1: having said that, I do have a very good setup.
2:01
Speaker 1: I have support, Tyrone is a great dad. So my
2:04
Speaker 1: position is definitely you know, I would imagine a lot
2:09
Speaker 1: more flexible than many other people. So I'm aware of that,
2:12
Speaker 1: but even still, it's very different to when you don't
2:13
Speaker 1: have kids. So I bought a bench and I'm so
2:17
Speaker 1: happy about it. I have a bench in my home
2:19
Speaker 1: like a gym bench, a gym bench. Never thought it
2:21
Speaker 1: was thrilled. So I've got gym bench and dumbbells and
2:23
Speaker 1: then I run and then I swim. So the last
2:26
Speaker 1: three days, I have done a workout every single day.
2:28
Speaker 1: So it's either waits at home, running and by weights
2:30
Speaker 1: at home that includes Matt polarates, running or swimming. I've
2:34
Speaker 1: got a pool like five minutes walk from mine, just
2:36
Speaker 1: like an outdoor like council pool. And then of course
2:40
Speaker 1: running is free to just like you, just wherever you want.
2:42
Speaker 1: And it's been three days in a row and I
2:44
Speaker 1: am high on life, guys, I am high on life.
2:46
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm back, I'm focused, I'm excited.
2:49
Speaker 2: I just have no words.
2:50
Speaker 1: So if you see me glowing, if you're watching the
2:53
Speaker 1: video version of this, and I'm like, oh, it's like,
2:56
Speaker 1: it's it's just me having done work out three days
2:58
Speaker 1: in a row and I'm loving life. So yeah, if
3:03
Speaker 1: you guys are wondering, and do you know what can
3:05
Speaker 1: I just say. I know this is a head nose episode,
3:07
Speaker 1: but can I just say, kind of like the episode
3:10
Speaker 1: that I did on Monday, I did an episode about
3:11
Speaker 1: the neuroscience of self control. Now, it's not really self
3:14
Speaker 1: control that I'm talking about, but it kind of is.
3:16
Speaker 1: But it is just making the decision. Sometimes you just
3:19
Speaker 1: have to make the call. I felt like I was
3:22
Speaker 1: wasting so much mental power and time and mornings being like,
3:26
Speaker 1: you know, do I have time, Maybe I don't go
3:28
Speaker 1: for the run, or yes, no I'm not here, I'm
3:31
Speaker 1: not there, And before I know it, I've not really
3:34
Speaker 1: done anything, and I keep postponing it to the afternoon
3:35
Speaker 1: because I'm not sure. Sometimes what ruins our ability to
3:39
Speaker 1: just get things done and stay on track is this
3:41
Speaker 1: not sure, it's this in between. Just make a call
3:44
Speaker 1: and whatever that call is, you stick to that call.
3:47
Speaker 2: I was gonna say, rain, hale or shine.
3:48
Speaker 1: You might not want to be running in the hail,
3:50
Speaker 1: but like, as much as you can, stick to the call.
3:53
Speaker 2: So two days ago, I said.
3:54
Speaker 1: You know what, no matter what, I'm going to do
3:56
Speaker 1: twenty minutes at home with dumbbells.
4:00
Speaker 2: Twenty minutes. I was loving it so much. I did
4:02
Speaker 2: forty five minutes.
4:03
Speaker 1: It was just the best thing ever, and a longer
4:04
Speaker 1: stretch because the twins are on the bouncy just watching me.
4:07
Speaker 2: They were loving it. I was loving it.
4:08
Speaker 1: So sometimes just be decisive. Who cares if you think, oh,
4:11
Speaker 1: but I could be doing something better.
4:12
Speaker 2: Well, you know what, if you keep going.
4:14
Speaker 1: Back and forth between yes, no, yes, no, you're going
4:16
Speaker 1: to do nothing neither of the two, and then there
4:18
Speaker 1: is nothing better. Just make the fucking decision and make
4:21
Speaker 1: it a walk, or make it a five minute work
4:22
Speaker 1: out on the ground, or make it. You know, I've
4:24
Speaker 1: got steps right outside my home. There's like one hundred
4:26
Speaker 1: and fifty steps. I could just go up and down
4:27
Speaker 1: those five times and that's it. You feel so good
4:30
Speaker 1: for it. Okay, that is my ted talk for the day.
4:34
Speaker 1: Now let's get into the actual questions of today's head
4:38
Speaker 1: nice episodes.
4:39
Speaker 2: Let's begin.
4:40
Speaker 1: Hi, Alexis, thank you so much for your podcast. You
4:42
Speaker 1: have truly helped me so much.
4:44
Speaker 2: Whenever I'm in.
4:45
Speaker 1: A tough spot, I search up a podcast if yours
4:47
Speaker 1: relating to it, and they help me so much. You're
4:49
Speaker 1: fucking amazing. Thank you so for the long story. It's
4:53
Speaker 1: also not that long a story. It's a very reasonably
4:56
Speaker 1: lengthd story. Basically, my boyfriend and I have been together
5:00
Speaker 1: a year. We were absolute best friends for years beforehand,
5:03
Speaker 1: helping each other throughout other relationships and through life. During
5:06
Speaker 1: our friendships, there were times where I would have a
5:08
Speaker 1: boyfriend and he would want to be more than friends
5:12
Speaker 1: with me, and vice versa. When he had a girlfriend,
5:14
Speaker 1: I became jealous. After a few years, we realized how
5:17
Speaker 1: unhealthy it was and got together. It is an amazing relationship,
5:21
Speaker 1: from knowing everything about each other to truly feeling like
5:24
Speaker 1: I am with my best friend. However, I have some
5:27
Speaker 1: jealousy issues. I think this might stem from him cheating
5:30
Speaker 1: on a girlfriend beforehand with me, which I understand is
5:33
Speaker 1: so wrong and I would never do that again. However,
5:35
Speaker 1: when he is out with girls, I get upset. If
5:38
Speaker 1: he's talking to girls for too long, I get upset,
5:41
Speaker 1: and I feel like I can't trust him, and I
5:43
Speaker 1: get really mad. I know all about his past and
5:46
Speaker 1: what he has done, and he has been with quite
5:47
Speaker 1: a few girls, including my friends, and has lied about
5:50
Speaker 1: it to me when we weren't together but did like
5:53
Speaker 1: each other. I get it's a retroactive jealousy and it's
5:56
Speaker 1: in the past, but it is really hard to forget that.
5:58
Speaker 1: I'm struggling with letting him go out and do what
6:01
Speaker 1: he wants. I completely understand that if someone's going to cheat,
6:03
Speaker 1: there is nothing you're going to do to stop them,
6:06
Speaker 1: but at the same time, I'm also just so jealous
6:08
Speaker 1: and don't want him to cheat. I trust him so
6:11
Speaker 1: much as he is my best friend, but I also
6:14
Speaker 1: don't because I know what he's been like. I think
6:16
Speaker 1: the issue goes much deeper than that, but I don't
6:18
Speaker 1: want to make this super long. Thanks in advance.
6:21
Speaker 2: Okay, so you know what it is.
6:23
Speaker 1: It is retroactive jealousy to an extent, but I think
6:26
Speaker 1: it is deeper than this, and this is why you're
6:27
Speaker 1: really suffering. What's happening here is that you know parts
6:33
Speaker 1: of his character and you're worried that those parts of
6:36
Speaker 1: the character are going to crop up again. The difference
6:38
Speaker 1: between retroactive jealousy is that retroactive jealousy you're not saying
6:42
Speaker 1: I know you're capable of cheating because you've done it
6:44
Speaker 1: before and I've seen it or I was part of it.
6:47
Speaker 1: It's literally just saying, oh, I'm jealous of people that
6:49
Speaker 1: you've spent time with in your past and created history
6:51
Speaker 1: within your past, and I feel like I'm always comparing
6:53
Speaker 1: myself or I feel like you might be comparing me
6:56
Speaker 1: to your past, and then I get insecure.
6:58
Speaker 2: That's retroactive jealousy.
6:59
Speaker 1: In a nutshell for you, it might be that, but
7:01
Speaker 1: I actually think it's you've seen his behavior, you know
7:05
Speaker 1: that he's capable of cheating, and you're thinking, well, you know,
7:08
Speaker 1: is it once a cheater, always a cheater, or is
7:10
Speaker 1: it circumstances you know, lean you towards being one version
7:16
Speaker 1: of yourself versus another version of yourself. So when it
7:19
Speaker 1: comes to once a cheater, always a cheater, I don't
7:21
Speaker 1: necessarily think that applies to everyone. I think it comes
7:25
Speaker 1: down to intention and where that person is in their
7:28
Speaker 1: life and have they really learned a lesson? So, for example,
7:31
Speaker 1: when your boyfriend cheated on a partner with you, how
7:36
Speaker 1: did he feel like he might not have been in
7:39
Speaker 1: love with that partner, which probably made it easier for
7:43
Speaker 1: him to cheat.
7:43
Speaker 2: But was he remorseful? Was he honest? Did he apologize?
7:47
Speaker 2: Did he try and repair? Did he cheat and then not?
7:50
Speaker 1: Karen ended be like ha ha ha ha, Like, how
7:53
Speaker 1: did he approach this cheating, did he feel that it
7:57
Speaker 1: was really against his character? And even if he didn't
7:59
Speaker 1: want to with that person, do you think that he
8:02
Speaker 1: thought I'd hate that I did that to someone, Because
8:05
Speaker 1: that will give you some insight into whether you think
8:07
Speaker 1: he can learn from that lesson or not. If he
8:10
Speaker 1: had no remorse, then I understand why you would feel
8:14
Speaker 1: quite insecure because you think you don't even care that
8:17
Speaker 1: you potentially hurt someone, and you don't even care that
8:20
Speaker 1: you know, Like, how do you feel do you think
8:22
Speaker 1: that if he were to cheat again, as long as
8:25
Speaker 1: you never knew, it wouldn't matter, Like you know, you've
8:27
Speaker 1: got insight. This is why you're feeling that way. And
8:29
Speaker 1: I'm not saying this to make you more insecure. I'm
8:32
Speaker 1: saying this to justify why you are feeling the way
8:34
Speaker 1: you are feeling, because you know information about him that
8:38
Speaker 1: kind of obviously teaches you more about his character.
8:43
Speaker 2: So this is what I recommend that you do.
8:45
Speaker 1: Obviously you can't completely eradicate this feelings straight away, but
8:48
Speaker 1: I think it is important to have the number one have.
8:52
Speaker 2: The conversation with him about it. Communication is everything in every.
8:57
Speaker 1: Relationship, especially in a romantic relationship, So I think it's
9:00
Speaker 1: important that you say, listen, I don't want to be
9:03
Speaker 1: this way, just so you know. I know I get
9:05
Speaker 1: this way, and I know you think that I want
9:07
Speaker 1: to have all this control. I don't want to be
9:09
Speaker 1: like that. I want to be care free. I want
9:12
Speaker 1: to be able to trust you in every area, because
9:14
Speaker 1: I trust you in certain areas, but I don't trust
9:17
Speaker 1: you in some And whether you don't want to admit
9:18
Speaker 1: that you don't trust him, you don't because you wouldn't
9:20
Speaker 1: be feeling this way if you completely trusted him around
9:23
Speaker 1: the cheating side of things. And you've got to be
9:25
Speaker 1: honest with him and say that to him and say
9:27
Speaker 1: it is something that I want to be able to achieve.
9:30
Speaker 1: I want to be able to trust you, but I
9:31
Speaker 1: want to have the conversation with you because I want
9:34
Speaker 1: this to be something we can work on together. I
9:38
Speaker 1: love the fact that we have that best friendship. We
9:40
Speaker 1: have such a good history, we know each other so well,
9:42
Speaker 1: so maybe that foundation can actually help us and help
9:45
Speaker 1: me get over our feeling this way. But I need
9:49
Speaker 1: to know where your head is at around the fact
9:51
Speaker 1: that you cheated in the past, and what have you
9:54
Speaker 1: learned from that, like, what makes you so sure that
9:57
Speaker 1: you wouldn't do it again?
9:58
Speaker 2: Did you learn something from that that made like, I
10:01
Speaker 2: want to know where your.
10:01
Speaker 1: Head is at, because without having insight into what the
10:07
Speaker 1: repercussions were for you mentally after you cheated, then I'm
10:11
Speaker 1: going to really struggle moving forward because I'm going to
10:14
Speaker 1: think that it was easy for you in the past,
10:15
Speaker 1: it's going to be easy for you to do it again.
10:16
Speaker 1: So can we have this conversation And he might say, listen,
10:19
Speaker 1: I didn't have that much remorse because I knew it
10:21
Speaker 1: was over and I didn't like it. But you're still
10:22
Speaker 1: going to get some You're still going to learn a
10:25
Speaker 1: bit about how he views it and how he sees it.
10:27
Speaker 2: Your instincts will tell you a lot. If you have
10:30
Speaker 2: this deep calm underlying feeling being like this is not right.
10:35
Speaker 1: If this high anxiety high anxiety is spiraling, it's not
10:38
Speaker 1: necessarily instinct, but instinct, even if it's a negative thing,
10:42
Speaker 1: feels like a deep.
10:43
Speaker 2: Calm sense of knowing. That's the difference.
10:45
Speaker 1: Okay, So if you still feel anxious, it's things that
10:48
Speaker 1: you're working on. It's the spiraling thoughts that you can
10:50
Speaker 1: work towards. But if even after you have this conversation
10:53
Speaker 1: with him, you'd be like, I just feel like he
10:56
Speaker 1: thinks about cheating differently to me, and it's like it
10:58
Speaker 1: feels like a knowing inside of me, then that might
11:01
Speaker 1: be you saying like this is a potential red flag
11:03
Speaker 1: and maybe maybe I'm feeling this.
11:04
Speaker 2: Way for a reason.
11:05
Speaker 1: But you might hear things from him that make you
11:08
Speaker 1: think you know what you know that makes a lot
11:11
Speaker 1: of sense. I actually, like, haven't thought about it that way.
11:14
Speaker 1: I say that you've grown, I've seen that you've you know,
11:17
Speaker 1: evolved and all of that. Like I said, ultimately, you
11:20
Speaker 1: cannot change someone. You cannot control someone. You have to
11:23
Speaker 1: ask yourself on top of that, if it wasn't him,
11:25
Speaker 1: if it was any other relationship, do you genuinely believe.
11:29
Speaker 2: That you wouldn't have these feelings?
11:31
Speaker 1: Do you genuinely think I would be wholeheartedly able to
11:34
Speaker 1: trust him it's only him because I know he's cheated before.
11:39
Speaker 1: Because if it would be with anyone, then that's completely
11:42
Speaker 1: something that you need to be working through. I mean,
11:44
Speaker 1: obviously still communicate with him, but this is a lot
11:46
Speaker 1: of like internal work that you want to be doing
11:49
Speaker 1: on your own because nobody wants their partner to cheat.
11:53
Speaker 2: Nobody you could.
11:54
Speaker 1: You could ask anyone to imagine their partner cheating, and
11:57
Speaker 1: it would be awful for anyone.
11:59
Speaker 2: But the difference is is how.
12:00
Speaker 1: Much do those thoughts consume you and how much do
12:03
Speaker 1: you actually think that that person would act on it
12:05
Speaker 1: based on how they treat you, Because at the end
12:07
Speaker 1: of the day, you can never know what goes on
12:10
Speaker 1: in their head and in their actions when you're not there.
12:12
Speaker 1: You can have a very good idea, but you're.
12:14
Speaker 2: Never know for sure.
12:15
Speaker 1: So you've got to say, am I happy enough with
12:17
Speaker 1: my life that I can trust without having evidence and
12:21
Speaker 1: still be really happy and really at peace.
12:23
Speaker 2: That's the goal. That is the goal for me personally.
12:26
Speaker 1: My goal is to be content with what I do
12:30
Speaker 1: see in my partner and happy enough that I don't
12:33
Speaker 1: have any red flags or any weird gut feelings like
12:36
Speaker 1: I from face value, I feel good, I feel like
12:38
Speaker 1: I can trust him, and then content enough in my
12:41
Speaker 1: life that if things were to fall apart, I'm still
12:43
Speaker 1: working on myself as an individual enough that I would
12:46
Speaker 1: be okay and I would move on and recover if
12:49
Speaker 1: it was to happen to me. That's where you want
12:52
Speaker 1: to get to, because you can't ever have full, full
12:56
Speaker 1: like guarantee that something's not going to go well, so
12:58
Speaker 1: you have to back yourself. It always comes down to
13:00
Speaker 1: backing yourself, not in the sense of being hyper independent,
13:03
Speaker 1: but in the sense of allowing yourself to be free
13:06
Speaker 1: in the relationship and enjoy the relationship.
13:08
Speaker 2: Because what's worse is that you spend three years in.
13:10
Speaker 1: A relationship fearing fearing they're gona cheat, They're gonn cheat,
13:13
Speaker 1: they're gona cheat, and then they cheat, and then you're like,
13:15
Speaker 1: three years I suffered, and now they've gone and done this,
13:17
Speaker 1: and now I'm suffering. You want to get to the
13:18
Speaker 1: point where you're like, Okay, they might cheat, but if
13:20
Speaker 1: as long as I feel comfortable right now, I might
13:22
Speaker 1: as well enjoy this relationship and you know, get the
13:24
Speaker 1: most out of it, and then if they cheat, hopefully not,
13:27
Speaker 1: but if they do, I.
13:28
Speaker 2: Suffer, then why I suffer now? And then if that
13:31
Speaker 2: makes sense.
13:31
Speaker 1: I know it's easier said than done, but that's kind
13:34
Speaker 1: of where you want to wrap your head around, and
13:36
Speaker 1: having these conversations with him will actually get you closer
13:39
Speaker 1: as long as you're not attacking him. As long as
13:41
Speaker 1: you're not like you cheated in the past, so I
13:42
Speaker 1: know it's gonna come, and you have to approach.
13:45
Speaker 2: This in a calm moment.
13:47
Speaker 1: Okay, you could go out for a nice drink and say, listen,
13:50
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have a really fun night with you, but
13:51
Speaker 1: can we just touch on one thing so I can
13:53
Speaker 1: get it off my chest. We're out having a nice
13:54
Speaker 1: drink together, we're on a date. Let's just let get
13:56
Speaker 1: this conversation out of the way and we can just
13:58
Speaker 1: have fun tonight. I don't want to attack you at all.
14:00
Speaker 1: I just want us to get closer. And then you
14:01
Speaker 1: mentioned it, you say, this is what I'm feeling. I
14:03
Speaker 1: don't want to feel this way. I fucking love you, like,
14:06
Speaker 1: let's work on this together. Trust me, when you approach
14:08
Speaker 1: it that way, people are a lot more open than
14:10
Speaker 1: you realize. Okay, hopefully that helped. Next question.
14:17
Speaker 2: Hi Alexis. I love your podcast.
14:19
Speaker 1: I only started listening recently, but I've already gone through
14:21
Speaker 1: so many episodes and you have helped me a lot.
14:24
Speaker 1: I'd love to get your perspective on some personal things
14:26
Speaker 1: that I struggle with. I'm originally from Argentina. Love that
14:29
Speaker 1: so much. My father's Argentinian. I can get that. But
14:33
Speaker 1: I've been living in the US for the past eight years.
14:36
Speaker 1: I always saw my time here as temporary. I thought
14:38
Speaker 1: I'd enjoyed the experience for a few years.
14:40
Speaker 2: And then moved to another country.
14:41
Speaker 1: Part of that was because it was so difficult to
14:43
Speaker 1: get citizenship here. All of my closest friends and also
14:47
Speaker 1: are also international, and they share the same plan of
14:50
Speaker 1: eventually living the US. However, I'm now in a serious
14:53
Speaker 1: relationship with my American boyfriend. We love each other and
14:56
Speaker 1: have started talking about getting married in about a year,
14:58
Speaker 1: which would also allow me to stay here once my
15:00
Speaker 1: visa expires. Even though I want to get married, I
15:04
Speaker 1: sometimes feel conflicted when I visit home or see my family.
15:07
Speaker 1: I think I never really sat down to process what
15:10
Speaker 1: temporary actually meant, since I've always focused on staying in
15:13
Speaker 1: the US or moving to Spain. Now that it's become real,
15:16
Speaker 1: I'm struggling with the idea of it.
15:20
Speaker 2: It's hard. Sorry.
15:21
Speaker 1: It's hard to imagine raising my kids so far away
15:24
Speaker 1: from my parents, and I often feel guilty about the distance.
15:26
Speaker 1: I also feel strange about the fact that my friends
15:28
Speaker 1: will eventually leave the US. At the same time. I
15:31
Speaker 1: don't see myself moving back either. I don't feel represented
15:34
Speaker 1: in my country's culture either, so I feel caught between
15:37
Speaker 1: two worlds, like I don't fully belong to either culture.
15:40
Speaker 1: How would you navigate this kind of situation? I feel
15:43
Speaker 1: like I won't be completely confident in my decision to
15:46
Speaker 1: get married until I can work through these mixed emotions.
15:48
Speaker 1: I don't think it's about doubt in my relationship. It's
15:51
Speaker 1: more about the fear of being far from home. Thank
15:54
Speaker 1: you so much for taking the time to read this.
15:56
Speaker 1: Any insight you can share would mean a lot. And
15:58
Speaker 1: congratulations on the twins.
15:59
Speaker 2: Thank you.
16:00
Speaker 1: Okay, you're obviously in a really tough situation. I fucking
16:03
Speaker 1: can see that.
16:05
Speaker 2: Look.
16:06
Speaker 1: I guess the number one thing is you got to
16:08
Speaker 1: ask yourself. One interesting piece of information that I gathered
16:11
Speaker 1: from this is separate from your relationship, you don't feel
16:16
Speaker 1: at home at quote unquote home, So your original home
16:20
Speaker 1: Argentina doesn't feel like you're home. So even if you
16:25
Speaker 1: weren't in this relationship, you saw yourself going to Spain
16:29
Speaker 1: or going somewhere else. So you have to separate the
16:32
Speaker 1: two things because there is this big part of you
16:35
Speaker 1: separate to this marriage or you know, the partner and
16:38
Speaker 1: permanently moving overseas is didn't feel at home. So there's
16:43
Speaker 1: this part of you that you'd suffer.
16:46
Speaker 2: Even if you went back, is what I'm trying to say.
16:48
Speaker 2: You're going to be torn.
16:49
Speaker 1: And would you have ever really fully returned. Okay, you
16:52
Speaker 1: might not have stayed in the States permanently, but your
16:54
Speaker 1: next plan was Spain. So your big push pull thing
16:59
Speaker 1: here is that you're you're always going to have two homes.
17:02
Speaker 2: Migrants.
17:03
Speaker 1: So many migrants have this experience and I don't I
17:07
Speaker 1: can't speak of this firsthand, but my parents are migrants,
17:11
Speaker 1: and I'm friends with many, many, many first generation Australians
17:15
Speaker 1: where you know, our parents are you know, bulk of
17:18
Speaker 1: them from South America, but you know, and it's this
17:20
Speaker 1: idea where they will forever have two homes, their mother
17:25
Speaker 1: land and the home that they migrated to. And it's
17:28
Speaker 1: this beautiful but also really difficult thing that you have
17:31
Speaker 1: to navigate forever.
17:33
Speaker 2: Okay. And there are some people that are like, oh.
17:35
Speaker 1: Fucking I see you're to my motherland.
17:38
Speaker 2: Didn't love it, we didn't like, don't care whatever.
17:41
Speaker 1: But then there's many people where there's this like really
17:44
Speaker 1: bittersweet thing. You know, they're grateful for this new home
17:46
Speaker 1: that they have and this new network and new people
17:48
Speaker 1: and new job, and it ends up becoming you know,
17:50
Speaker 1: but then they're always going to miss their home. Like
17:52
Speaker 1: my mom always says that she's so Australian right, Like
17:57
Speaker 1: she feels proud to be Australian, where she flies back
18:00
Speaker 1: into Australia every time she goes over seas, she just
18:03
Speaker 1: feels this way, like this is my home.
18:05
Speaker 2: But every time she's.
18:05
Speaker 1: In Uruguay she has that same feeling like this is
18:08
Speaker 1: my home. I'm Uruguay and this is my So it's
18:11
Speaker 1: this experience where it's not about being one or being
18:14
Speaker 1: the other. You have to learn to become someone that
18:18
Speaker 1: you never have been. And you can learn from this
18:20
Speaker 1: from other migrants. You can speak to other migrants, people
18:23
Speaker 1: who have gone through a similar journey that you have
18:25
Speaker 1: gone through. But what I am going to say to
18:26
Speaker 1: you is that if you do make the decision to stay,
18:30
Speaker 1: you have to do everything in your power to really
18:34
Speaker 1: make your new place home okay, because if you've always
18:37
Speaker 1: got this I'm not here nor there, nor here nor there,
18:40
Speaker 1: You're never going to feel like you've settled and at home,
18:42
Speaker 1: you're going to feel like you're just it's always waiting
18:45
Speaker 1: for the next thing, and you're never really you know,
18:47
Speaker 1: maybe I need to go back, or maybe it's onto
18:48
Speaker 1: the next thing. What can you do to really set
18:51
Speaker 1: some roots and think this is.
18:52
Speaker 2: Now my new home. Now.
18:54
Speaker 1: You can't speak for what's going to happen in ten,
18:55
Speaker 1: twenty thirty years, but if you're always feeling like you're
18:58
Speaker 1: not in the right place, you're never going to emotionally
19:00
Speaker 1: commit to this being the next thing for you, your
19:04
Speaker 1: new home.
19:04
Speaker 2: So that would be my biggest piece of advice.
19:08
Speaker 1: What can you and your friends are going to be leaving,
19:10
Speaker 1: but you need to be making friends who are also
19:13
Speaker 1: local to the area, people that you know that and
19:19
Speaker 1: what I'm say about that don't have to be born
19:20
Speaker 1: in the United States. I'm saying people that live there,
19:22
Speaker 1: because if your friends were also temporarily there and are
19:25
Speaker 1: going to go back, you can't bank on.
19:27
Speaker 2: Always having your initial circle of people.
19:29
Speaker 1: That you lived around in Argentina are kind of moving
19:32
Speaker 1: around the world with you, because unfortunately that's not going
19:34
Speaker 1: to happen long term. So what are things that you
19:37
Speaker 1: can do to really get involved not only with the people,
19:40
Speaker 1: but with the culture and with the town and with
19:42
Speaker 1: the area that you're in and the city and things
19:45
Speaker 1: that make you feel like, not only do I live here,
19:47
Speaker 1: but I'm embracing this culture and the people that live here,
19:51
Speaker 1: and I'm getting involved in the community, and I'm starting
19:54
Speaker 1: to do things where I'm feeling like this is now
19:57
Speaker 1: part of me.
19:58
Speaker 2: So an example that I can give you is.
20:01
Speaker 1: I lived when the time that I lived in Paris,
20:03
Speaker 1: back in the day, I went there twice. I knew
20:06
Speaker 1: that it wasn't going to be long term, but I
20:08
Speaker 1: got so so into it and I loved it so much,
20:11
Speaker 1: and I made French friends and I embedded myself that
20:13
Speaker 1: to this day, I feel like there's a part of
20:16
Speaker 1: my soul that lives in Paris.
20:18
Speaker 2: When I see I'm not remotely French, right, I'm not.
20:21
Speaker 1: I think actually, ancestry dot Com came back with like
20:23
Speaker 1: three percent French, and I will ride that wave, but
20:25
Speaker 1: I'm not.
20:25
Speaker 2: Okay, but there's a part of me that I feel
20:28
Speaker 2: like this pride with France.
20:29
Speaker 1: Okay, after the countries that I'm from and like my parents' countries,
20:33
Speaker 1: I've got this like rooting for France because I just
20:34
Speaker 1: feel like it's part like you can build that for
20:37
Speaker 1: wherever you migrate to.
20:39
Speaker 2: Where you emigrate to, you can.
20:41
Speaker 1: What I'm basically trying to say is that you're always
20:43
Speaker 1: going to have two homes that will never go away.
20:46
Speaker 1: You're always going to have this semi torn feeling where
20:48
Speaker 1: you have, you know, two deep connections and experiences. But
20:53
Speaker 1: the aim is to not be living in a country
20:55
Speaker 1: and always pining for your home country because the people
20:57
Speaker 1: are there, or your family is there or whatever. You're
20:59
Speaker 1: all always have to think, you know, like, this is
21:01
Speaker 1: my new life. This is where I'm setting my roots.
21:03
Speaker 1: I can still have a love and appreciation for my past,
21:06
Speaker 1: but this is where I'm setting my roots. You did
21:08
Speaker 1: mention the idea of raising children away from your family,
21:11
Speaker 1: But would you be happy living back back in Argentina
21:15
Speaker 1: If you said that it didn't align.
21:16
Speaker 2: It wasn't you. You didn't feel like you were at
21:18
Speaker 2: home there, you didn't feel like it was the right thing.
21:20
Speaker 2: Probably not.
21:21
Speaker 1: So if you're always going to be torn, then you
21:24
Speaker 1: might as well really put in the effort with this
21:28
Speaker 1: new direction in your life and this new partner and
21:31
Speaker 1: this new identity and this new thing, and really try
21:33
Speaker 1: and make that work for you, because I feel like
21:37
Speaker 1: with a lifetime having lived back where you back in Argentina,
21:40
Speaker 1: if that hasn't worked for you yet, then what is
21:44
Speaker 1: you returning there?
21:45
Speaker 2: Is it going to work then?
21:47
Speaker 1: Okay, so I can't give you a straight up answer,
21:49
Speaker 1: but that would be my advice. It would be to
21:51
Speaker 1: embrace the fact that you always will have two homes,
21:54
Speaker 1: but to do everything you can to really make yourself
21:57
Speaker 1: feel like this is your home, not just hanging around
21:59
Speaker 1: with people from your old home, not just you know,
22:01
Speaker 1: having that bubble of just Argentinians or just you know,
22:04
Speaker 1: my old friends. Really make it your new home. Otherwise
22:08
Speaker 1: you're never going to feel like blended in. And I
22:11
Speaker 1: think that's where multiculturalism works the best. When you assimilate
22:15
Speaker 1: with the city around you and you bring the best
22:17
Speaker 1: of your culture, but you also absorb the best of
22:19
Speaker 1: their culture, and you know, and that's where where everyone
22:23
Speaker 1: shines and everyone gets the best of everything.
22:25
Speaker 2: Okay, I really hope that helped guys. I'm so sorry.
22:30
Speaker 1: I know I said I was going to do three
22:31
Speaker 1: questions in today's head Noise episode, but I actually have
22:34
Speaker 1: to cut it down to two because there is so
22:36
Speaker 1: much noise going on I record this.
22:38
Speaker 2: I've record the podcast from.
22:39
Speaker 1: Home these days with the kids and everything, but there
22:42
Speaker 1: is just so much this traffic. There's like there's work
22:45
Speaker 1: being done right outside the door. And I've just got
22:47
Speaker 1: a pocket of like two minutes to record this. So
22:49
Speaker 1: we're sticking to just two questions unless you want to
22:52
Speaker 1: like lose your mind going insane with all this background noise.
22:55
Speaker 1: But stay tuned for the head Noise episode on Friday,
23:00
Speaker 1: where I will have more I think it'll be voice notes,
23:03
Speaker 1: head noise questions.
23:05
Speaker 2: Anyway, good times.
23:06
Speaker 1: Thank you for tuning in, love you guys so much
23:08
Speaker 1: for this exquisitely short head Noise episode. I apologize for
23:11
Speaker 1: only having two questions, but I have so much more
23:14
Speaker 1: to bring in the future. Anyway, I'm going to quickly
23:16
Speaker 1: wrap this up before we hear drilling in the next
23:18
Speaker 1: three seconds.
23:19
Speaker 2: My love you guys so much. Has always remembered. Becond
23:21
Speaker 2: to yourself, becondt to your brain.
23:22
Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
23:24
Speaker 1: from yourself.
23:25
Speaker 2: Don't g