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Your Budget Should Not Bully You · The Financial Feminism Podcast

0:16
Welcome to episode 11 of Financial Feminism and
0:20
11 is my favorite number guys so I
0:23
knew this one needed to mean something.
0:26
I've been away, I spent time in Guatemala
0:28
along doing missionary work with other people, caring
0:33
for people, working alongside people, talking to nurses,
0:37
seeing families, and seeing resources used very differently
0:42
than the way that we use them here.
0:45
And I came home with a lot on
0:47
my mind but I don't want to romanticize
0:50
poverty, I don't want to compare one woman's
0:53
struggle to another woman's struggle, and I definitely
0:56
don't want to tell you that because somebody
0:59
somewhere has less that you should be satisfied
1:02
with whatever financial situation you have.
1:05
That's not financial feminism.
1:08
I want women to have more choices, more
1:11
ownership, more financial breathing room, more ability to
1:16
leave when something is wrong, more ability to
1:19
stay when staying is what they choose, and
1:24
more ability to build and to give, more
1:28
ability to rest.
1:30
So when I say Guatemala changed the way
1:33
I was thinking about this episode, this is
1:35
what I mean.
1:37
It made me question how quickly something moves
1:40
from luxury to convenience, from convenience to normal,
1:46
and from normal to something we suddenly believe
1:49
we cannot live without.
1:52
And that's when I realized some of us
1:55
are not being bullied by our budget, we're
1:58
being bullied by the cost of maintaining normal.
2:02
And I'm talking to the woman who looks
2:05
financially fine.
2:07
That matters because when we talk about financial
2:11
stress, people often picture somebody who simply does
2:15
not make enough money.
2:17
And sometimes that's exactly the problem.
2:20
You cannot budget your way out of an
2:23
income that fundamentally cannot cover basic needs.
2:28
But that is not the only woman struggling.
2:32
I'm talking to the woman making $85,000,
2:36
$100,000, $150,000, maybe even $200,000
2:42
or more, and somehow every month still feels
2:46
tight.
2:47
The mortgage comes out, the car payment comes
2:50
out, insurance comes out, groceries, phones, child care,
2:57
tuition, subscriptions, professional expenses, how about this hair,
3:03
house, travel, family, health care, something for the
3:09
children, something breaks, something needs replacing, and then
3:15
you look at what's left and you think,
3:17
how am I making this much money and
3:21
still feeling like this?
3:23
I want you to hear me.
3:25
That question deserves investigation, not shame.
3:30
This is bigger than your coffee.
3:33
We've spent years giving women tiny financial advice
3:37
for enormous financial problems.
3:40
Stop buying coffee, pack your lunch, cancel Netflix,
3:46
don't buy the shoes.
3:47
Okay, those decisions can matter, but let's look
3:51
at where household money actually goes.
3:54
According to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics,
3:57
American households spend an average of $78,535
4:04
in 2024.
4:08
Housing represented about a third of average spending.
4:13
Transportation represented another 17%, and so together those
4:17
two categories consume more than half of average
4:22
household expenditures.
4:23
More than half.
4:25
So before we even get to food and
4:28
health care or education, child care, insurance, everything
4:33
else, so no, I'm not gonna sit here
4:38
and pretend that your entire financial future hinges
4:41
on a latte.
4:43
Sometimes we need to look at the big
4:46
things, and sometimes the uncomfortable truth is that
4:51
we build a life with enormous fixed costs.
4:54
A life that works beautifully as long as
4:58
nothing changes.
5:00
The perfect month does not exist, and here's
5:06
where I want you to look at your
5:07
own budget.
5:09
Does your budget work only when nothing happens?
5:13
Think about that.
5:15
If nobody gets sick, if the car needs
5:19
nothing, if the house needs nothing, if there
5:23
are no birthdays, no school expenses, no professional
5:27
fees, no family needs, no travel, no holidays,
5:33
no co-pays, no repairs, no annual renewals,
5:37
no uniforms, no conferences, no gifts, no unexpected
5:42
flight, no appliance giving you trouble, then your
5:46
budget works.
5:48
Girl, that is not a budget.
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That's a fantasy.
5:52
Real life keeps happening, and we keep calling
5:55
it unexpected, and that's what I want us
5:59
to stop doing.
6:01
Some things are not emergencies.
6:05
Let me give you one of the most
6:07
important lines in this episode.
6:11
Some things are not surprises.
6:13
They are simply underplanned.
6:16
Christmas is not an emergency.
6:19
It's been December 25th for quite some time.
6:23
Your child's birthday, it's not an emergency.
6:27
Your annual professional license renewal is not an
6:31
emergency.
6:32
Routine car maintenance, it's not an emergency.
6:36
Back-to-school is not an emergency.
6:39
An annual insurance premium, that's not an emergency.
6:43
Some home maintenance, that is not an emergency.
6:47
Those expenses may be irregular, but irregular does
6:51
not necessarily mean unpredictable, and when we label
6:56
every irregular expense as an emergency, we create
7:01
this budget that makes us feel like we're
7:03
constantly failing.
7:05
You're not always failing.
7:08
Sometimes the plan is failing to acknowledge your
7:11
actual life.
7:13
That distinction matters.
7:15
So, let's talk about the irregular expense audit.
7:20
So, I want you to do something.
7:22
Not next month.
7:24
Look backwards first.
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Pull the last 12 months, not 30 days,
7:31
12 months, and find the expenses that made
7:36
you say, uh, I forgot about that.
7:40
Here we go again.
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I wasn't expecting this.
7:45
This always happens.
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Write them down.
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Car registration, professional renewal, holiday spending, birthdays, school
7:59
expenses, travel, home maintenance, car maintenance, membership renewals,
8:06
annual subscriptions, medical expenses you know tend to
8:11
happen, whatever belongs to your actual life.
8:17
Then ask, does this really surprise me, or
8:22
did I simply fail to plan for something
8:25
that happens irregularly?
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Now, take the predictable ones.
8:30
Estimate what they cost over one full year.
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Then divide that amount by 12.
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That number belongs in your financial life.
8:40
Not because you spend it every month, but
8:43
because your life eventually does.
8:46
This is how we stop letting perfectly normal
8:49
expenses destroy an otherwise good month.
8:54
There's another layer to this.
8:58
Success has carrying costs.
9:02
We don't talk about that enough.
9:05
You make more money.
9:07
Maybe you move into a better neighborhood.
9:11
Now the house costs more.
9:14
Property taxes cost more.
9:17
Insurance may cost more.
9:21
Maintenance costs more.
9:23
The furniture changes.
9:24
The expectations change.
9:26
The children are doing more activities.
9:29
Your professional wardrobe changes.
9:32
Your travel changes.
9:34
Convenience becomes more valuable because your time becomes
9:38
more valuable.
9:40
You start paying to solve problems you used
9:44
to solve yourself.
9:46
And none of those decisions automatically makes you
9:49
more irresponsible.
9:51
Nor does it make you more responsible.
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Some of them may be completely rational, but
9:59
together they can quietly create a life that
10:03
requires nearly all of your income to continue
10:07
operating.
10:08
And then the promotion comes.
10:11
The raise comes.
10:13
The business grows.
10:15
But instead of the new money buying freedom,
10:19
it gets absorbed by the life.
10:23
That is where I want you paying attention.
10:26
Because the goal is not simply to become
10:29
this woman who can afford a more expensive
10:32
life.
10:33
I want you to become a woman whose
10:35
money creates more options.
10:38
The middle class pressure is real.
10:42
And there's a reason some of this feels
10:45
harder than you thought it would.
10:49
Median U.S. household income was $83,730.
10:56
That was in 2024.
10:59
At the same time, the Federal Reserve found
11:03
that while 73 percent of adults describe themselves
11:08
as doing okay financially or living comfortably, that
11:13
remained below the 2021 level.
11:17
Prices continued to be a leading financial concern.
11:22
And here's another number I need you to
11:24
hear.
11:25
Only 55 percent of adults reported having enough
11:29
emergency savings to cover three months of expenses.
11:33
And that was in 2024.
11:35
So when you feel the tension between earning
11:38
and actually feeling secure, you are not imagining
11:42
that financial resilience matters.
11:46
But I also don't want statistics to become
11:48
an excuse.
11:50
Financial feminism lives in between the space of
11:53
this is real and what can I do
11:56
about it.
11:57
Both matter.
11:58
Your budget should survive your life.
12:02
Now this is the shift.
12:04
I don't want you creating a budget for
12:06
your cheapest possible month.
12:09
I want you building one that can survive
12:12
your actual life.
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That means we need at least three kinds
12:17
of expenses in our thinking.
12:20
The monthly.
12:21
These are the expenses you expect every single
12:25
month.
12:26
The irregular but predictable.
12:29
These don't happen every month, but you know
12:31
they're coming.
12:32
And then the truly unexpected.
12:36
That's the actual emergency.
12:39
Your emergency fund should not have to rescue
12:42
you from Christmas every single year.
12:45
Your credit card should not become the holding
12:48
place for every expense that wasn't monthly.
12:52
Your next paycheck should not already be cleaning
12:56
up last month's surprise.
12:58
That's exhausting.
13:00
And more importantly, it keeps you from building.
13:03
I think this is where women can become
13:06
unnecessarily hard on themselves.
13:09
Your budget is allowed to tell the truth.
13:13
You create a number for groceries that hasn't
13:17
worked in eight months, but every month you
13:20
keep putting the same number in the budget.
13:23
Why?
13:24
At some point, the budget needs to tell
13:26
the truth.
13:28
If your family consistently spends $900, writing $600
13:33
at the top of a spreadsheet does not
13:36
magically make you disciplined.
13:39
It may simply make the spreadsheet inaccurate.
13:42
Now, does that mean you never challenge spending?
13:45
Of course not.
13:47
Look for waste.
13:48
Negotiate.
13:50
Compare.
13:51
Cancel what you don't value.
13:53
Reduce what isn't serving you.
13:56
But don't confuse an unrealistic number with discipline.
14:01
A useful budget gives you information you can
14:04
make decisions from.
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A fantasy budget gives you guilt.
14:10
And this is exactly the kind of conversation
14:13
we're having inside financial feminism community.
14:17
Not, what should women stop buying?
14:20
I want better questions than that, guys.
14:24
What does your real life cost?
14:27
What keeps catching you financially?
14:30
What are you calling an emergency that actually
14:33
needs its own line in your plan?
14:35
And what is all of this costing the
14:38
future version of you?
14:41
The financial feminism community is free, and when
14:44
you join, you can also access our free
14:47
resources page at OwnThePurse.com.
14:50
This week, I want you to use the
14:52
financial freedom scorecard.
14:55
Don't just listen to me.
14:57
Look at your own numbers.
14:59
I'll tell you where to find everything at
15:02
the end.
15:02
Now, let's finish this, guys.
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The question I want you to ask about
15:07
every fixed expense.
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There's one more exercise.
15:11
I want you to look at the expenses
15:13
that automatically claim your income every single month.
15:18
And for each meaningful one, I want you
15:21
to ask, if I were building my life
15:25
today, would I choose this expense again?
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That's different from asking, can I technically pay
15:32
it?
15:32
Maybe you can.
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That's not the question.
15:36
Would you choose it again?
15:37
Would you choose this house?
15:39
This car?
15:41
This membership?
15:43
This service?
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Here's a good one.
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This relationship?
15:48
This tuition arrangement?
15:51
This recurring commitment?
15:52
This lifestyle expectation?
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Some answers will be yes.
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Great.
15:59
Keep them.
16:00
Some answers will be no.
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That's information.
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And some answers will be, I don't know
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how to change it right now.
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That's okay too.
16:11
Awareness doesn't require an immediate dramatic decision, but
16:16
I don't want an expense automatically receiving your
16:19
money for the next five years, simply because
16:22
it received your money for the last five.
16:25
Now, I want to talk to you about
16:26
what Guatemala brought home for me.
16:29
There was something I kept noticing while I
16:31
was away.
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How differently resources can be valued when access
16:36
is different.
16:38
Things I barely think about here could matter
16:41
enormously somewhere else.
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And when I came home, I didn't think
16:45
we should want less.
16:47
I thought, I want to be more conscious
16:50
of what enough means for me.
16:53
That's different.
16:54
I don't want somebody else deciding enough for
16:57
you.
16:58
Not Instagram.
16:59
Not your neighborhood.
17:01
Not your profession.
17:03
Not your co-workers.
17:04
Not your family.
17:05
Not the woman next door.
17:07
Not me.
17:09
Because if you never define enough, your lifestyle
17:12
will happily keep defining it for you.
17:16
And enough will keep moving.
17:18
More house.
17:19
More car.
17:21
More convenience.
17:22
More subscriptions.
17:24
More experiences.
17:25
More upgrades.
17:26
More everything.
17:27
And somehow, not necessarily more freedom.
17:32
That's the part I don't want us to
17:35
miss.
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Here's your assignment.
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I want you to bring one expense that
17:41
your budget keeps pretending will never happen again.
17:45
Just one.
17:46
We're going to talk about this Thursday inside
17:48
the Financial Feminism community.
17:51
Maybe it's car maintenance.
17:53
Maybe it's your professional renewal.
17:56
Maybe it's Christmas.
17:57
Maybe it's school.
17:59
Maybe it's travel.
18:00
Maybe it's something completely specific to your life.
18:05
I want you to identify it.
18:07
Estimate the annual cost and divide it by
18:10
12.
18:11
Okay?
18:12
Then look at the monthly number.
18:15
That number is not necessarily another bill.
18:20
It's information.
18:22
Again, identify it.
18:25
Estimate the annual cost, the full cost.
18:29
Then divide it by 12.
18:32
And then look at that monthly number.
18:35
Again, it's information, ladies.
18:38
It tells you something about what your life
18:41
actually costs.
18:44
And once we know what your life actually
18:47
costs, we can make better decisions about what
18:51
needs to change.
18:53
I want to leave you with this.
18:55
You are not supposed to spend your entire
18:58
life becoming more successful while feeling increasingly trapped
19:03
by the cost of maintaining your success.
19:06
Say that again in your head because this
19:09
is a bigger thing than budgeting.
19:12
This is about ownership, choice, margin, agency, the
19:19
ability to decide what stays and what goes,
19:23
the ability to look at something everyone around
19:27
you considers normal and say, that is too
19:31
expensive for the future I'm trying to build.
19:35
Not because you can't make the payment.
19:37
Because you've decided that your money has somewhere
19:40
more important to go.
19:42
That's financial power.
19:44
So this week, stop building a budget around
19:48
an imaginary month.
19:50
Stop calling every irregular expense an emergency.
19:55
Stop making yourself feel irresponsible because real life
19:58
keeps showing up.
20:00
Build around the life you actually have.
20:04
And then decide whether that life is costing
20:07
you more than you want to keep paying.
20:10
Because your budget shouldn't bully you.
20:13
But it should tell you the truth.
20:15
And sometimes the truth is, I can afford
20:18
this.
20:19
I just don't want it costing me this
20:22
much anymore.
20:23
That's a very different kind of financial decision.
20:27
And I want more women making it.
20:30
If this episode sounded a little too familiar,
20:34
don't just move on to whatever your phone
20:36
plays next.
20:38
Come into the financial feminism community.
20:40
It's free.
20:41
This week, we're continuing the exact conversation.
20:45
And I want you to bring one expense
20:48
your budget keeps pretending will never happen again.
20:52
And once you're inside, go to the resources
20:54
page at OwnThePurse.com.
20:57
Community members can access our free financial feminism
21:01
resources, including the financial freedom scorecard that we're
21:05
using in this conversation.
21:07
Listen, look at your own life, then come
21:10
talk to us.
21:12
Because financial feminism isn't here to make you
21:15
feel smarter about money.
21:17
I want you making different decisions with it.
21:20
I'll see you