Latest / Divorce Coaches Academy / Communication Isn't The Problem In Divorce...Capacity Is (And It's Costing People Everything)
Transcript
- Tracy Callahan: Thank you for listening to the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. For more insights and training, visit divorcecoachesacademy.com. Welcome back to the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. am Tracy, co-founder of Divorce Coaches Academy. And as always, we are here to explore how we can better support people through one of the most complex conflict processes they will ever navigate. And today I want to challenge something that sounds right on the surface, but in practice, I think it's getting in the way. Welcome to Divorce Coaches Academy podcast, where we explore the role of divorce coaching in conflict resolution, decision making, and navigating divorce with clarity and intention. We need to talk about communication and divorce because we've built an entire narrative around this idea that if people could just communicate better, everything would improve. Less conflict, less time, less money. And on the surface, that sounds about right. But what if that's not actually true? Well, or at least, not true in the way we're applying it. Because what we see in practice and what the data supports is that communication is not always the solution in divorce. In many cases, it's the mechanism through which conflict escalates. Let's ground this for a minute, okay? Research consistently shows that about 20 to 30 % of divorcing couples are considered high conflict. But that group doesn't just represent a small portion of cases. It drives the system. These cases account for a disproportionate amount of litigation, time, and financial cost. Some estimates suggest that they consume up to 80 % of family court resources. So when we talk about the cost of divorce, we need to be precise. It's not just legal fees. It's not just hourly rates. It's prolonged conflict cycles. And those cycles are often fueled by ongoing communication that isn't structured, isn't timed well, and isn't supported by capacity. So here's the part that challenges the narrative a bit. Communication is not neutral. We tend to treat it like it is, as if more communication naturally leads to more understanding. But in divorce, especially divorce with escalating conflict, communication carries risk. Every message carries tone. Every message is filtered through interpretation. And when someone is under stress, their brain is not looking for clarity. It's looking for confirmation. Confirmation of threat, confirmation of unfairness, confirmation that the other person is wrong. So what happens? One message goes out. It's read through a defensive lens. A response comes back, slightly sharper, slightly more positional. And now we're not communicating. We're reacting. And that conflict dance continues. And the more communication that happens inside of that dynamic, the more opportunities there are for escalation. So this is where we need to make a shift. Most people don't have a communication problem in divorce. They have a capacity problem. Capacity is the ability to regulate, to think clearly, to tolerate discomfort without reacting, and to stay connected to what actually matters in decision making. And when capacity is low, which is pretty often in divorce, communication doesn't function the way we expect it to. When someone is in a heightened stress state, their cognitive flexibility drops. Black and white thinking increases. Intent is misread. Tone is amplified. So we try to layer communication skills on top of that. And guess what? They don't hold. You can teach someone exactly how to say something. But if they're dysregulated, the delivery changes, the interpretation changes, and the outcome changes. And we're starting to see this play out in a newer way right now. with the rise of AI communication tools in divorce. There are more, and more platforms designed to help people I'm air quoting communicate better. Draft the message, soften the tone, remove inflammatory language, make it sound neutral. And on one level, yeah, that's useful because language does matter. But here's the problem. These tools are solving for expression, not for capacity. They can help someone write a calmer message. Yeah, but they can't change the emotional state the message is coming from. And they definitely cannot control the state of the person receiving it. So what happens? A message goes out, perfectly worded, neutral, AI assisted. but it's received by someone who is already activated, already defensive, already interpreting through a lens of threat. And now that message, no matter how well it's written, gets distorted. Because communication in divorce doesn't break down at a level of wording. It breaks down at the level of meaning making. And for those of you that are unfamiliar with what meaning making is, it is the process by which someone interprets an event, message or behavior and assigns it significance. It's not what was said. It's what the person believes it means. Example, text. We need to talk about the schedule. One person hears we need to coordinate logistics. The other hears, you're doing something wrong again. Same words, different meaning. And meaning is shaped by emotional state, history, assumptions, perceived threat, not just sentence structure. So we end up investing in better messaging tools, but still seeing the same escalation patterns, because the underlying issue hasn't been addressed. This doesn't mean those tools don't have a place. They can be helpful when someone already has the capacity to use them intentionally. But when capacity is low, they can create a false sense of progress. It looks like better communication, but the system underneath hasn't changed. We're trying to engineer better emails in systems that are not emotionally stable enough to receive them. And that's the distinction that matters. Now let's connect this back to cost because this is where it becomes very real, right? Conflict escalation is expensive, not conceptually, literally. A reactive message leads to a defensive response. That response gets forwarded to an attorney. Now attorneys are involved. More time, more emails, more billable hours, decisions get delayed, positions become more rigid, settlement becomes harder, and what started as communication becomes a prolonged dispute. That is a real cost in divorce. And this is where we actually already have a model that reflects this understanding. We just don't always frame it this way. Let's talk about parallel parenting. Parallel parenting is, is a structured co-parenting model designed for high conflict situations. It reduces direct interaction between parents and creates clear independent domains of responsibility. And what's important here is this. It doesn't try to improve communication first. It reduces the demand for communication altogether. Why? Because the system recognizes that more communication at that stage creates more harm. So instead of pushing for collaboration, it prioritizes stability, predictability, and containment. If more communication were always better, parallel parenting wouldn't exist, but it does. And it works because it aligns with capacity not Expectation. So maybe, maybe, just maybe, the goal in divorce isn't better communication. Maybe it's right-sized communication. Communication that matches capacity. Communication that supports resolution instead of undermining it. Because when capacity changes, communication changes. But when we try to force communication without capacity, we don't reduce conflict. We amplify it. And this is exactly where the work of divorce coaching when grounded in conflict resolution actually sits. Not in fixing communication on the surface. but in preparing people to engage in conflict differently. At Divorce Coaches Academy, we are always approaching this work through an ADR lens, recognizing that divorce is not just a legal process, it is a conflict process. And how someone participates in that process changes everything about the outcome. And that participation does not start with communication skills. It starts with capacity. Because if someone doesn't have the ability to regulate, to think clearly, to separate reaction from intention, no, no communication strategy is going to hold under pressure. We don't start with what to say. We start with whether someone is in a position to say it effectively. So the work of a divorce coach isn't just helping clients say things differently. It's helping them be in a different position when they say it. That means building awareness before strategy. Yes, regulation before response. Clarity before conversation. And then, just then, once capacity is there, communication skills actually become effective. Not as a script. but as a tool that can be used intentionally. But here's the reality. Conflict isn't static. ⁓ Nope, nope, nope. It evolves. It escalates. It becomes cyclical when we don't look at the conflict. And when it does, the way we work has to evolve with it. Foundational skills might get you in the room, but advanced skills determine what actually happens next. That is exactly why we created one of our courses, our Advanced Conflict Coaching course, because working at a professional level in divorce coaching requires more than presence. It requires precision in conflict. This is where the work deepens. where you learn to recognize patterns faster, interrupt escalation in real time, and stay effective even when our clients become entrenched. If this is something you might be interested in, the course begins May 11th and runs for six weeks. And if you are already working with clients or you're trained and ready to elevate how you work, this is your next level. and can find more details at divorcecoachesacademy.com and I'm going to put something in the show notes for you. I want to thank you for being here, for doing this work and for continuing to change the way people experience divorce. We'll see you next time at Divorce Coaches Academy podcast.