Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #36: Stop Look and Listen

Transcript

#36: Stop Look and Listen · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Kilson, where Luke
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  Speaker 1: and Susie parents of three little boys, and this is
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  Speaker 1: the podcast for those of us who are time poor parents.
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  Speaker 2: But just one answers now, justin today, stop, look and listen. Now,
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  Speaker 2: that sounds like a catchphrase for teaching kids how to
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  Speaker 2: cross the road from when I was younger. Yeah, that's right,
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  Speaker 2: But it seems sometimes that our kids aren't paying attention
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  Speaker 2: to us. Are the kids? Is there something wrong with
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  Speaker 2: our kids? Basically is my question?
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  Speaker 1: Justin Yes, there is.
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  Speaker 3: No no. I think the problems with ask So the
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  Speaker 3: most common question I get from parents literally the two
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  Speaker 3: most common how do I get them off their dance screens?
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  Speaker 3: But how do I get them to listen to me?
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  Speaker 3: And they're often interlinked by the way, those two questions.
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  Speaker 3: But when I step back from that question a little bit,
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  Speaker 3: and I'll often ask parents, I'll say, well, let me
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  Speaker 3: ask you this, how well do you listen to them?
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  Speaker 3: What kind of an example have you set for them?
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  Speaker 3: And when I asked that question, there's an initial of
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  Speaker 3: course I listened to them, and then I said, well,
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  Speaker 3: let's unpack that a little bit. How well do you
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  Speaker 3: really listen you know, how many times do they have
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  Speaker 3: to call out to you? What about when they're telling
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  Speaker 3: you about that thing that happened at school with the thing?
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  Speaker 3: And then there are and then and you know, and
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  Speaker 3: forteen minutes later, it's still going and you've kind of
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  Speaker 3: disappeared into your own la la lad because oh man,
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  Speaker 3: they go on sometimes. I know most of the time
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  Speaker 3: they don't erh but every now and again they actually
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  Speaker 3: tell you how their day was, and you're like, oh, gee,
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  Speaker 3: I wish you'd just go. And I remember an experience
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  Speaker 3: that I had with one of my kids. In my
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  Speaker 3: first book, which is called What Your Child Needs from You,
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  Speaker 3: I've got this list of things that you can look at,
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  Speaker 3: the questionnaire items where you sort of say, to what
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  Speaker 3: extent am I in tune with my child? To what
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  Speaker 3: extent am I paying attention to my child? And when Kylie,
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  Speaker 3: my wife, read this list, she was like, Hey, this
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  Speaker 3: is a great list. How are we doing? And I said,
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  Speaker 3: I think we're doing great, and she said, direckton the
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  Speaker 3: kids would say that. I said, let's not ask. But
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  Speaker 3: that night, while I played with the kids in the
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  Speaker 3: living room, Kylie sat in one of the other rooms
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  Speaker 3: and she interviewed them one by one with a pen
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  Speaker 3: and paper. She went through the questions to ask them
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  Speaker 3: how well we were doing as parents. We had a
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  Speaker 3: very first parenting performance appraisal. We might and we did okay,
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  Speaker 3: but there was room to move. And one of the
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  Speaker 3: kids in particular, she said, you know when when you're
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  Speaker 3: on the computer or when you're doing other stuff, you
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  Speaker 3: say you're listening, but you're not because you keep doing
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  Speaker 3: what you were doing. What she was essentially saying is
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  Speaker 3: I want you to stop and pay attention to me
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  Speaker 3: when I ask you a question. I want you to
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  Speaker 3: be there and be where your feet are, not have
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  Speaker 3: your head somewhere else while I'm talking. The kids know,
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  Speaker 3: and so I've come up with this stop, look and
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  Speaker 3: listen idea because you know, let's extend the metaphor, you're
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  Speaker 3: on the side of the road with your kids and
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  Speaker 3: you're about to cross the road. Only a fool would
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  Speaker 3: fail to stop, look and listen. We understand that. Why
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  Speaker 3: do we do that? Because there could be something significant
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  Speaker 3: coming down the road that could change our lives in
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  Speaker 3: big ways. It could completely write us off or worse.
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  Speaker 3: And I think that in our children's lives. On a
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  Speaker 3: daily basis, there are things coming down their road that
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  Speaker 3: can derail them or put them in hospital emotionally or
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  Speaker 3: psychologically or even physically. And if we don't stop what
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  Speaker 3: we're doing and look them in the eyes and listen
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  Speaker 3: to the words that they're saying to us, even if
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  Speaker 3: it's boring to us, we might miss one of those
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  Speaker 3: fast moving trucks and they could just get cleaned up
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  Speaker 3: by it if we're not there to save them.
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  Speaker 2: I've found recently that my relationship with my eldest is
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  Speaker 2: changing because we've had some time one on one, and
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  Speaker 2: in that one on one time, he's starting to talk,
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  Speaker 2: and I've been able to have the opportunity did just
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  Speaker 2: sit and listen to him in the car. Generally we
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  Speaker 2: have our chats. But as a result of that, now
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  Speaker 2: he's started a little journal and every day he's showing
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  Speaker 2: me his journal entries and wanting me to read them
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  Speaker 2: and give him feedback on them. But I think about
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  Speaker 2: my two youngest and I know I don't give them
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  Speaker 2: the same time and effort and energies that how do
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  Speaker 2: we balance that out When you've got I mean, you've
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  Speaker 2: got six, we've got three, But balancing that out across
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  Speaker 2: all your children. I already feel like I already know
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  Speaker 2: I'm not parenting my children the same way each of
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  Speaker 2: my children.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like Kylie and I have almost got
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  Speaker 3: two families. Our big three get a very different response
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  Speaker 3: and style of parenting to the last three because you know,
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  Speaker 3: the big three were born while I was learning to
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  Speaker 3: be a parenting expert, and then the last three were
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  Speaker 3: born once I had the qualifications and you know, life
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  Speaker 3: was moving on.
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  Speaker 2: It's kind of reassuring to hear that, Justin, as you
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  Speaker 2: are a parenting expert. But more next with doctor Justin
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  Speaker 2: from the Happy Families podcast. As we continue to talk
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  Speaker 2: about stop, look and listen.
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  Speaker 4: When it comes to toilet training, things can get a
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  Speaker 4: little stuck. Doctor Justin Coulson has written a no Mess,
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• 5:15
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• 5:18
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• 5:22
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• 5:24
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• 5:28
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• 5:32
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• 5:35
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  Speaker 4: Easy as one two. We available at Happy families dot
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  Speaker 4: com dot au.
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  Speaker 2: It's The Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, and
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  Speaker 2: today we are talking about stop, look and listen, the
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  Speaker 2: importance of really listening. Justin we were just talking about
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  Speaker 2: the fact that we're not parenting all of our children
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  Speaker 2: the same way. Getting that balance is difficult.
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  Speaker 3: I don't think there's such a thing as balance. Quite frankly,
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  Speaker 3: we're all seeking it, but life gets in the way
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  Speaker 3: of balance all the time. So there's a couple of
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  Speaker 3: things to bear in mind. Number one, triage. You know,
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  Speaker 3: if somebody needs you be there, just stop what you're
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  Speaker 3: doing and be there. You've kind of got to. But
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  Speaker 3: there's a few other things that we can do that
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  Speaker 3: I think are really important, and with fewer children it's
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  Speaker 3: easier than with more children, but you can do it regardless.
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  Speaker 3: I think that it's really really vital that we have
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  Speaker 3: someone on one time at least once a week with
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  Speaker 3: each child where we don't talk. We just spend time together,
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  Speaker 3: no agenda, happy to listen if they've got something to say,
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  Speaker 3: or just having fun if there's nothing to say, but
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  Speaker 3: we're engaged and we're involved, and we ask the questions,
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  Speaker 3: how's everything going at school, how's things going with your friends?
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  Speaker 3: Has anything troubled you lately? Is there anything I can
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  Speaker 3: help you with? Is there anything you want to talk about?
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  Speaker 3: In addition to that, on a daily basis, we need
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  Speaker 3: to have some nurture time with our children. I love
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  Speaker 3: nighttime nurture. I think the last five or ten minutes
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  Speaker 3: before the kids go to sleep is almost sacred time.
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  Speaker 1: You know.
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  Speaker 3: That's where you kneel down beside the bed and you
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  Speaker 3: read them that story, and you sing them a song,
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  Speaker 3: and you give them a cuddle, and you just savor
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  Speaker 3: those moments, knowing that in ten minutes they'll all be
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  Speaker 3: as sleep.
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  Speaker 2: Well, that's it, because often it's our most tired time
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  Speaker 2: of day.
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  Speaker 3: And it's so hard.
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  Speaker 1: It is.
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  Speaker 3: So there are a couple of things, you know, in
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  Speaker 3: our home. Every morning, we get the family together at
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  Speaker 3: about six thirty and we have a little bit of
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  Speaker 3: either a pep talk or some devotional time. A lot
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  Speaker 3: of people will call it, well, we just focus on
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  Speaker 3: one thing that we think is really important for our family.
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  Speaker 3: To think about during the day, and we spend a
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  Speaker 3: few minutes talking and being together as a family. But
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  Speaker 3: it's one on one that's where the real work of
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  Speaker 3: raising children is done, and it's about stopping and paying attention,
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  Speaker 3: looking and listening.
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  Speaker 1: We've had a couple of experiences with our kids that
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  Speaker 1: I think taps in gives us the evidence that what
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  Speaker 1: you're saying is very effective. And one I remember our
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  Speaker 1: kids and, like most kids, had a tendency Tyson in particular,
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  Speaker 1: to interrupt when you're in the middle of adult conversations,
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  Speaker 1: you have some and he whatever was on his agenda
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  Speaker 1: was the most important. And Susie so beautifully set up
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  Speaker 1: a system and said, if you've got something to say
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  Speaker 1: and we're in the middle of adult conversation, it's rude
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  Speaker 1: to interrupt. But let me tell you what you can do.
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  Speaker 1: If you put your hand on my leg or you
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  Speaker 1: touch me in such a way that says, mummy, I
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  Speaker 1: want your attention, she said, I will. I will put
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  Speaker 1: my hand on yours to let you know that I
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  Speaker 1: feel it, and then we'll wait until there's a break
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  Speaker 1: in conversation, and then I will come and you will
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  Speaker 1: have my undivided attention, and it's amazing how beautifully polite
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  Speaker 1: that child is in that environment.
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  Speaker 3: Now, what a great way to set that up.
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  Speaker 2: Because the first someone else wasn't.
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  Speaker 1: The first thing communicated to him is I want to
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  Speaker 1: hear you, yeah, and I want to give you all
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  Speaker 1: of my attention. But there are boundaries, there are manners.
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  Speaker 1: We'll deal with those. But you've got me at the
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  Speaker 1: right moment, and I just think, what a great impact
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  Speaker 1: we've had on the kids. And the other is with Ryden,
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  Speaker 1: who had a speech challenge and he couldn't communicate. And
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  Speaker 1: there were times when I realized that that we He
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  Speaker 1: would try and say something to us and we couldn't
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  Speaker 1: understand it. We say the second time, we couldn't understand him,
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  Speaker 1: say the third time, couldn't understand him, And eventually you
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  Speaker 1: could see his shoulders drop, his face become forlorn, and
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  Speaker 1: he walked away. He gave up and there's no point,
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  Speaker 1: I can never get it. And it broke our heart
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  Speaker 1: when you could physically see it the moment he gave up.
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  Speaker 1: So we started to get down, look him straight in
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  Speaker 1: the eye and say, buddy, we really want to know
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  Speaker 1: what you're saying. And we'd get him to say it
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  Speaker 1: again and slow, and even then we go, can you
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  Speaker 1: take my hand? And is it something you can show me?
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  Speaker 1: And there are times often when he'd take our hand,
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  Speaker 1: walk us into the kitchen to the pantry and he'd
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  Speaker 1: points at the vegimite and he wanted a vegi might sandwich,
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  Speaker 1: but we couldn't understand. But suddenly the difference that made
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  Speaker 1: in him was when he goes, when we felt that
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  Speaker 1: he knew we wanted to get, don't give up, because well,
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  Speaker 1: we'll keep going until we get it.
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  Speaker 3: When we stop, when we look, when we listen, we
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  Speaker 3: communicate something perf only important that is you are worthy
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  Speaker 3: ten second story to finish, because I know we're out
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  Speaker 3: of time. I'm stirring in the kitchen, the onion and
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  Speaker 3: the garlic, in the oil, on the on the pit,
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  Speaker 3: in the pan, on the pot, whatever you call. I
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  Speaker 3: don't cook very well, obviously, and I'm stirring and stirring
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  Speaker 3: and stirring. And I became aware that Abby, who was
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  Speaker 3: about two or three at the time, was tugging on
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  Speaker 3: my pants. Dad, Dad, Dad, And I'm like, I'm doing
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  Speaker 3: important things here. I'm cooking dinner. I can't be interrupted.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know what to do next. And then I realized,
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  Speaker 3: I'm a parenting expert. I'm supposed to pay attention to
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  Speaker 3: my daughter.
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  Speaker 1: What is it that I say?
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  Speaker 3: Stop looking at me? So I did. I stopped. I
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  Speaker 3: crouched down. I looked her in the eyes, and I said, Abby,
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  Speaker 3: I know you were trying to tell me something and
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  Speaker 3: I wasn't listening properly. I'm sorry, I'm listening now. She
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  Speaker 3: looked at me, she smiled, she said, I love your dad,
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  Speaker 3: and then she skipped off into.
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  Speaker 1: The lounde room.
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  Speaker 2: Oh wow, it just took a moment.
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  Speaker 3: She just wanted to tell me she loved me.
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  Speaker 2: Oh that's so beautiful. That is absolutely beautiful. Thank you
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  Speaker 2: so much, doctor Justin Pilson. That book that you mentioned
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  Speaker 2: in there was What Your Child Needs from You. You can
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  Speaker 2: get a copy of that and any other books that
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  Speaker 2: Justin has written, and podcasts that you can listen to
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  Speaker 2: as well, and there's other programs there as well. Loads
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  Speaker 2: of resources at happy Families dot com dot aufort to.
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  Speaker 1: Find out how you can actually book Justin to speak
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  Speaker 1: at your school or organization, and you can touch base
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  Speaker 1: with Justin at Justincolson dot com. Thanks very much, Justin,
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  Speaker 1: Thanks guys,