Latest / Your Extraordinary Life & Dating After Divorce / 202. Dating After a 60-Day Marriage with Christal Allen-Harrahill

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202. Dating After a 60-Day Marriage with Christal Allen-Harrahill · Your Extraordinary Life & Dating After Divorce

• 0:30
  Sade Curry: Hello everyone, welcome back to the Dating After a Divorce Podcast.
• 0:33
  Sade Curry: I'm your host, Sade Curry.
• 0:34
  Sade Curry: Today I have a very special guest and I know I say special guest every time, but I have a special special guest today.
• 0:42
  Sade Curry: So I'm going to introduce you to Christal Allen Harrahill.
• 0:48
  Sade Curry: She's a mom, wife, certified life and marriage coach.
• 0:51
  Sade Curry: She helps professional women who want to stop having the same fight with their partner and create better communication in their marriage.
• 0:58
  Sade Curry: And before that, crystal tell you a little bit about herself.
• 1:01
  Sade Curry: I'm going to say Christal is our marriage coach, so she is coaching Kent and myself.
• 1:07
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It's such an honor.
• 1:09
  Sade Curry: Which is fun.
• 1:10
  Sade Curry: I'm like I said, if I want to ask her to tell the listeners what she thinks of us or not, like which way would I go?
• 1:20
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Well, it's so funny because I didn't know if you would bring that up or not.
• 1:23
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I was fine either way.
• 1:24
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: But I mean it's kind of like how you just said.
• 1:27
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I say all of my episodes are special and I say like I love my clients but seriously, you and your husband are very special and I really mean that you have something between the two of you, that it's a beautiful bond and I love the work that the two of you are doing and that's from the bottom of my heart.
• 1:46
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It's a pleasure when we get on that Zoom call the three of us.
• 1:49
  Sade Curry: Oh, thank you Thank you.
• 1:51
  Sade Curry: And really I mean, it's just, I still feel like it was so serendipitous and miraculous how we connected and so, listeners, I, it was less like a, it was like a drive-by, it was like a fly-by night connection.
• 2:06
  Sade Curry: It really was At the Life Coach School Conference and I think what really caught my eye was you said you were a marriage communication coach.
• 2:14
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And.
• 2:15
  Sade Curry: I was like, oh, that's interesting.
• 2:17
  Sade Curry: But then there was also something about you.
• 2:19
  Sade Curry: You were so calm which I am not calm, I have no calmness at all, you know and then we weren't able to get together again.
• 2:29
  Sade Curry: Yeah, we tried and I, but I was just like I came home I texted my husband from the conference.
• 2:34
  Sade Curry: I said I found us a coach.
• 2:35
  Sade Curry: Like I said, I only talked to her for like five minutes, Literally, but she's our person.
• 2:39
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Oh, wow, I love that.
• 2:41
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: See, I didn't even know that little piece of the story, but you're right, we weren't.
• 2:44
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: We didn't really spend a ton of time together.
• 2:46
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: We connected and swapped info and and then after the conference, I was so happy that you and Kent, you know, had a consult and we decided to work together and, yeah, it's been great.
• 2:57
  Sade Curry: Yeah, so good, but when I hear to talk about us today, we're going to talk about you and your story, okay, so first of all, just introduce yourself to the listeners, tell them who you are and what you do.
• 3:08
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah, you know.
• 3:08
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: So, as Sade mentioned, I'm a life and marriage coach and I'm a.
• 3:12
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I'm a.
• 3:13
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I love helping.
• 3:14
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I used to predominantly work with women, but it's so interesting, more and more women are saying you know, can my husband come, or my husband is willing to do this work, and so I really have been having the honor of working with couples as of lately, which I truly am really really enjoying.
• 3:31
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: But aside from that, I'm a mom and I'm a wife.
• 3:36
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: This is my second marriage.
• 3:38
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I know we're going to get more into that, so this year, this December, will be nine years for my husband and I, and then I have a little one.
• 3:46
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And yeah, I know we'll talk about more, but those are the basics.
• 3:51
  Sade Curry: Yeah, yeah, amazing.
• 3:52
  Sade Curry: Well, it's a pleasure to have you on the podcast.
• 3:54
  Sade Curry: I feel like the listeners are in for a real treat, so we can just dive right in.
• 3:59
  Sade Curry: Just tell us a little bit about, you know, your first marriage and the divorce, what led up to that, and then we'll go right into the good stuff the day.
• 4:08
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Absolutely.
• 4:08
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know, my first marriage was like a Kardashian style marriage and I think I actually beat her by 12 days.
• 4:16
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It was a 60 day marriage.
• 4:18
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And it's so interesting because some of my really good girlfriends, who I've kind of either grown up with or just met early in my professional life and who were either a part of the wedding that first time or attended the wedding, they still will sometimes giggle at me in the decision that I made because like nobody could believe it and really what it was, shade was me being what would I consider relatively young.
• 4:45
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I was late twenties and keep in mind I think I like using the word young for me because when I was growing up, like I wasn't one of those little girls who dreamt about getting married and having kids, like that never was on my radar.
• 5:05
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so I think if I would have maybe listened to that, that part of me that felt, that felt kind of strongly about that, I would have waited until later and like to get my for my first marriage.
• 5:21
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so you know it's so interesting my first husband.
• 5:27
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: The main reason why we, why I asked for a divorce, is because I had no idea that we were on the track for marriage, and I know this may sound so interesting, but when he asked me to marry him, I was not expecting it and I didn't want to say no and I didn't want to hurt his feelings and, as we know, those are all the wrong reasons to say yes to a proposal and it was a matter of then getting allowing myself to get caught up in the wedding planning right, and not taking a step back and saying like, is this something that you really want to move forward?
• 6:07
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And we I think we have been dating for like 15 months before he had.
• 6:11
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: So it wasn't like some crazy, like we had just met in two days later we were married, like we had been spending time together, but I just wasn't there yet and I didn't know that he was.
• 6:20
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so you know, unfortunately and fortunately it was very short, shortly after we were married that I made the very hard decision to just say I can't go on with this, like this isn't my truth.
• 6:38
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And, as hard as it is, we've moved in together, like, literally, boxes are still unpacked and I know how hard this is, but I can't do this.
• 6:48
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so, right after that, I was single for and, trust me, there was a lot of things that went on around me.
• 6:57
  Sade Curry: Yeah, I'd like to ask, just yeah.
• 6:59
  Sade Curry: So I mean that courage is rare, that kind of courage is rare.
• 7:06
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah.
• 7:07
  Sade Curry: Like I remember, the first time it occurred to me that I'd made a mistake with my first marriage was probably less than six months into it, about six months into it, okay.
• 7:15
  Sade Curry: Then I hung in there for another, like 17 years, yes.
• 7:20
  Sade Curry: So, just so you know.
• 7:21
  Sade Curry: Yeah, and I think my situation is a lot more common than yours.
• 7:26
  Sade Curry: I think it might be useful for the listeners to hear your process to get that, because even dating, sometimes I'm working with a woman and she knows this is not the guy for her, but just saying no to a man that she's not even married to.
• 7:41
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes.
• 7:42
  Sade Curry: That she's only been seen for three weeks can be so hard.
• 7:45
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes, and it's so interesting that it can't.
• 7:47
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And I appreciate you saying that because you know I took a heat from all angles, trust me.
• 7:55
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: My in-laws, he had a huge family and they thought that I was everything but who.
• 8:02
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I was right, I was accused of being gay, I was accused of cheating, I was accused everything that they could think of because they needed to rationalize my decision in their mind and make themselves comfortable with my decision.
• 8:17
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I had, you know, my like, my good friends.
• 8:20
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know it was in jest, but you know teasing from them.
• 8:23
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I had people like man can I still get my wedding gift back from you?
• 8:27
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And you know, like all kinds of stuff, right.
• 8:29
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: But I think, as I look back on that, I think I was 28,.
• 8:37
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: That 28 year year old version of Christal like me.
• 8:44
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It was me being in that.
• 8:45
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I was sitting on my couch and I was waiting for him to come home because I knew that it took him 40 minutes to come home and I told myself you're going to do it tonight and it's going to be hard and I don't know how he's going to like respond, but just prepare for this to be tough and I and I think I, just I was so like secure in the knowing that I couldn't move forward with this, like everybody was just like, well, it would have been great if you would have had that knowing before.
• 9:15
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know what I mean.
• 9:16
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And I did, but I ignored it and so but I just said, okay, I can't allow myself to go on like this or him.
• 9:23
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It's not fair to him as well.
• 9:25
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Like, yes, we in that time that we were together, yeah, we had like communication issues, we had our little things right, but the true reason why I asked for that separation was because I knew that this wasn't right for me and I'll also share with your audience at that point in my life I was also very high in my avoidant attachment style and if you're familiar with attachment styles, the pressure of being in in this commitment that I really knew at my core I wasn't in alignment with.
• 9:57
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It was like a pressure cooker.
• 9:58
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And the discomfort of asking for the divorce and hearing everybody's opinions and fielding questions and stuff like that, all of that was like nothing in comparison to the pressure that I felt in that relationship that I knew I did not want to be in.
• 10:16
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so I want to encourage your ladies who are listening, you know, when you see those red flags, you know, allow yourself the time to just sit and have a conversation with yourself.
• 10:27
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Or if you have a life coach or a therapist or even a good girlfriend, like I don't think I was doing enough of that, I really was internalizing things and and so I encourage you, like, don't just leave that bottled up, and if you know that you need to make a decision about something, know that it may be uncomfortable, but you can make it through that discomfort.
• 10:50
  Sade Curry: Yes, yes, the discomfort is.
• 10:53
  Sade Curry: Those are just, they're just feelings, that's right.
• 10:55
  Sade Curry: The necessary realities, like separating reality from the feelings.
• 11:00
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes, absolutely.
• 11:02
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Amazing, Amazing Well thank you for sharing.
• 11:04
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah, thank you Absolutely.
• 11:07
  Sade Curry: Yeah.
• 11:07
  Sade Curry: So afterwards, after the divorce, what was your journey like?
• 11:12
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah, okay.
• 11:12
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: So right after I definitely knew that I wanted to be single, right, that's what I went through all the trouble for, right, so I could just be by myself.
• 11:21
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And that was a five year time span where I was single.
• 11:26
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so the first, the first three years, I was like very much intentionally single, like literally no dating, no, nothing.
• 11:33
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And then the last two years I had started I felt like I wanted companionship again.
• 11:39
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And you know, it's also interesting because and I don't know if you or you know can relate to this, or I'm sure someone, someone in your listenership, but I was always that person who I didn't know how to date casually and I always like wanted to fault myself for that because I would have like girlfriends or like just no of people who you know they would date a couple people and nothing would be too serious and they would just be really enjoying themselves.
• 12:04
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I'm like if I knew how to do that, I wouldn't have had to go through that divorce experience before, if I weren't always like jumping in these serious relationships.
• 12:13
  Sade Curry: Yeah.
• 12:14
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so when I, when I started to intentionally date and I and I did that through dating apps and so I use like um, oh my gosh, I don't even know the name, it's like Christian Mingle or something like that Christian Mingle?
• 12:26
  Sade Curry: yes, when it was still Christian.
• 12:28
  Sade Curry: Yeah, right, exactly, but it was still Christian.
• 12:33
  Sade Curry: That's so funny.
• 12:33
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Christian at one time, for sure, exactly yes, and that went in another one, I can't remember the name.
• 12:39
  Sade Curry: It was.
• 12:39
  Sade Curry: E-harmony was also there you go.
• 12:41
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It was E-Harmony, okay, so I used those two apps and I would.
• 12:45
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I would just meet people at Starbucks every now and again, and that was just an experience where I was like this is not what I thought it was going to be and I actually never met anyone who I even went on like a second or third date.
• 12:59
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I probably went like over those two years, maybe like 10 dates or so, and it was really just a mismatch of like.
• 13:06
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Who I met in person wasn't necessarily who they were online, and so my friends would tell me well, you need to do something, cause you're not going to just meet somebody you know sitting at home in your pajamas, cause I was a homebody and they used to tease me about that.
• 13:21
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And lo and behold, shade, I basically met my husband at home in my pajamas, in your pajamas.
• 13:28
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Oh, my God, my so my husband.
• 13:31
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: We were next door neighbors.
• 13:34
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Amazing, we were next door neighbors and so and you know, what's funny too is we had been neighbors for six years before we discovered each other.
• 13:43
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Like you know, we would see each other every now and again like random stuff, like him walking his dogs or me walking mine, that type of thing, but never had any lengthy conversations with him or anything like that for six years.
• 13:56
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And then one day I came home and there was like a package on my doorstep and I remember I was working in higher education at the time and it was at a point where I really was feeling like I wanted to be an entrepreneur, so I wasn't so thrilled about, you know, working that position any longer.
• 14:15
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It had been a rough day.
• 14:16
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And I remember coming home and seeing that package and that's kind of like where our journey started.
• 14:22
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: He had sent me it was like a fruit and nut, like gift package, and it had a little note on there saying it was from my neighbor, Jim, and he gave his house number and I'm just like that house number sounds familiar.
• 14:36
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: So I like walk out to the street and I'm like, oh, that's the house right there.
• 14:40
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And he I'm trying to think he did he put his number on there or was that a separate note, I can't quite remember, but I remember walking over and thanking him and he opened the door and that was like our first interaction with one another and then from there we would like walk dogs and and just kind of got to know each other and then in 2014 is when we married.
• 15:06
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: So that was it was.
• 15:07
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: So it was 20.
• 15:08
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It was June of 2013 when we met and then December of 2014 when we married.
• 15:15
  Sade Curry: So about 18 months.
• 15:16
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah.
• 15:17
  Sade Curry: Yeah, amazing.
• 15:18
  Sade Curry: You know, your story underscores one of the things I always tell my clients.
• 15:23
  Sade Curry: I'm like chances are, the person you're going to partner with is already in your orbit.
• 15:29
  Sade Curry: They are, yeah, yes, you know, Kent and I found out that we had a mutual friend.
• 15:34
  Sade Curry: I had been in Toastmasters for about three years in the 0405.
• 15:39
  Sade Curry: And he had gone to high school with one of the people that I interacted with a lot.
• 15:44
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Okay, we used to sing club.
• 15:45
  Sade Curry: We worked together.
• 15:46
  Sade Curry: We worked events together, yeah, and it turns out that he had gone to high school with this, with this person.
• 15:52
  Sade Curry: Oh, my God, and because we're like six degrees away from you.
• 15:55
  Sade Curry: Know most people on the planet yeah and says, ah, your partner is just one or two degrees away from you.
• 16:00
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes, that is so true.
• 16:02
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I love that and I totally believe in that, and I also want to extend that reminder to your ladies to don't try to be something that you're not Like.
• 16:13
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Remember when I was trying to, you know, make myself, be this dator and do all this stuff and you know, just be who you are, because when you meet someone, you want them to really get to know you for you.
• 16:26
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so if you're you know how they say if you're sending your representative on those dates and you're not truly being who you are, and then you decide to truly commit to each other, maybe before marriage, and then the real you comes out.
• 16:39
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know that's kind of when some of the friction comes along.
• 16:42
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: So if you have, you know, like the ladies who are listening, you've been through a divorce, you've had the courage to go through that, you've probably been through custody battles and who knows and all that stuff and separating assets, all the other stuff you have, you know went through that experience.
• 16:57
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Like you owe it to yourself in this dating period, to what many of you many of them are probably would label as being selfish.
• 17:06
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: But I say it's not Right.
• 17:09
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It tell me, is that how you tell?
• 17:11
  Sade Curry: ladies.
• 17:11
  Sade Curry: We hear that a lot Like oh, it's selfish, I don't want to be on, I don't want to hurt his feelings, I don't want to be mean.
• 17:20
  Sade Curry: Yeah, what are people going to say?
• 17:23
  Sade Curry: My mom is going to?
• 17:24
  Sade Curry: Oh, that's a lot of what we coach on.
• 17:27
  Sade Curry: Are these pressures that come on women to basically be something that they're not?
• 17:32
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes, yeah, it's really tough and you know, and I think it's important and that's why I love the platform that you've created here, because it's so important for women to hear that it's very normal for them to feel pressured and to have, like you know, feel pressured by themselves.
• 17:48
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know societal pressures, family friends, just like you're saying you experience with your clients.
• 17:53
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: But you know, at the end of the day, you are the one who are living in your life every single day and you are the one that are living with your decisions Right.
• 18:02
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so I just say, remember that.
• 18:05
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And when you're making a decision it's funny, I'm reading a book right now.
• 18:09
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It's called Be your Future Self.
• 18:11
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Now, I think is the author is Benjamin Hardy, and I think that could be interesting to think about when you are dating it's like make these decisions for your future self Right, think about her.
• 18:24
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know, like, maybe your future self does just want to like, go out with your girlfriends and date like multiple people right now, and then you'll get to a phase or a season in your dating life where you're like OK, I kind of do want to be monogamous or just commit to one person, and what are the values that are in alignment for me that I'm looking for, and you know, that also makes me think of one other thing.
• 18:48
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I think about the difference, one of there are many differences, right, but one of the main differences between my first marriage and the marriage that I'm in right now is it's also mindset, because I think about some of, like, the struggles that my husband and I currently have that we've been through over like the nine years.
• 19:10
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: They weren't necessarily any less than some of the struggles that I went through with my first husband, but my mindset around them was different.
• 19:24
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Right, I had really been intentional about making the decision to be in this relationship in a different way.
• 19:31
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Right, like, when I said yes to him, I actually meant it.
• 19:34
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Number one.
• 19:35
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah, that was the biggest difference, for sure, but, yeah, it really is a mindset of like staying committed to it because it truly is work, as we know.
• 19:47
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: So, yeah, yeah.
• 19:49
  Sade Curry: Yeah, I don't know if you know how radical your, your approach is.
• 19:54
  Sade Curry: I teach something called core values dating, which is for the woman to just truly know herself Like really really know yourself really, really know what you want.
• 20:06
  Sade Curry: But not just really knowing what you want and having a strong personal identity, but then also centering yourself in the choices that you make in the relationship.
• 20:16
  Sade Curry: Oh, I love that, which is radical yes.
• 20:21
  Sade Curry: And you almost effortlessly modeled yeah.
• 20:24
  Sade Curry: So I'm like have you always been that clear about who you are?
• 20:30
  Sade Curry: I mean, I know that was the period where you let yourself be pressured into the present, yeah, you know.
• 20:34
  Sade Curry: But have you always been this clear about who you are and what you want and what feels right to you, or did you learn that along the way?
• 20:42
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know I appreciate that question and you know it's so funny how it makes me think about talking to someone about an area that is really like for lack of better words like feels easy for them and it may feel like harder for other people.
• 20:55
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I have always been like this, like in relationships before my first marriage, when I would date yes, I would always get into like these long term relationships, but like when they were over, it was like over.
• 21:11
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And I wonder too if it may also have something to do with, like me mentioning earlier how I didn't really think about or even fantasize about marriage and you know, as like a little girl, and I think also and I don't mean to generalize because this isn't my experience but maybe also women who grew up with their dad in their life they may have maybe a, maybe their relationship around this type of thing is different.
• 21:45
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I didn't have that and so I felt like I felt like super independent around the, the conversation and and experience of dating, and so, yeah, when I would make a decision, it would come with a lot of like, thought and effort, and but then when I made it, it was like this is just it right, and look in the in the past.
• 22:13
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I'm sure some of those decisions, like may not have been like the wisest move, but for me it was.
• 22:21
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Does that make sense?
• 22:22
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Oh, 100% Right, Like to know.
• 22:25
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know, as I look back, yeah, there's some definitely things that I could have done differently, but for me in that moment I was just doing the best that I knew how and was willing to deal with, like the quote, unquote backlash from that person or from a friend group or something like that, because I'm living my life and dealing with the consequences.
• 22:44
  Sade Curry: Yeah, and we're all going to make mistakes, that's if you know one is getting out of this you know dent, unscathed right, exactly we're all going to make mistakes.
• 22:53
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah.
• 22:54
  Sade Curry: And in fact, I think what harms women the most is the fear of making that mistake, which causes them to then center all the requirements and the narrative and what people expect and what people want and what other people want.
• 23:07
  Sade Curry: Yeah, but most women that's centered and they're like on the periphery of their life trying to make this other set of things happen.
• 23:16
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah, that's such a good description of that, and I love that.
• 23:20
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: That's how you teach your clients, because allowing them to like, be fall in complete love with themselves and really know what they want Like that, allows them to step into their next relationship if that's what they want.
• 23:32
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know in such a secure way, so different than how we all did it the first time around, right 100%, right, 100%, yeah.
• 23:43
  Sade Curry: And that's the question about and I don't know if your husband has ever told you like, like, okay, so that's a big deal, and I don't know if he's sent packages to all the other neighbors, or was he, like, making his move right here, and what gave him the confidence that, like you, weren't going to call the police, that he was trying to?
• 24:03
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: write exactly like here's this weird guy, you know we have talked about it and I said, well, how did you like notice me?
• 24:10
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so he answered similarly to how I just shared like well, okay, over the six years, of course, I had like noticed you at some point.
• 24:17
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And he said and then one day I remember even being out on my balcony and I saw you in your backyard gardening, and I can't remember what he said he thought at that moment it escapes me, but it was shortly after that that he sent the package and so it really was taking a chance.
• 24:33
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Right, Because, I kid you not, like we had never said more than a good morning and that wasn't frequent.
• 24:40
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Right, Because we wouldn't always running to each other.
• 24:42
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I was working out of the home at that point and he was working from home, and so we didn't have like these in sync schedules or anything like that.
• 24:49
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: But it definitely was bold and but I appreciated how it was such a different approach than I had ever experienced before.
• 24:58
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It was like nice and like kind of slow, and that's what I needed.
• 25:03
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It was like a nice little on ramp to dating, you know, after five, five year, single, two years of trying unsuccessfully, and then yeah it, yeah, so it was kind of bold.
• 25:18
  Sade Curry: And so knowing you, like we've gotten to know you now, if he wasn't right for you, you would have just been like, ok, hard, no.
• 25:26
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I know what, if he wasn't, I would have been very clear and just after, like, we spent a couple of time because those first initial meetings they were dog walks, right, and so we were talking and getting you know I would just say you know, I'm really enjoying our time together as friends.
• 25:43
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Right, I would have been really clear about whatever it is.
• 25:48
  Sade Curry: But no friends on him.
• 25:49
  Sade Curry: That's how we say that in the day, there we go.
• 25:51
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I would have friends on him, exactly yes, so I didn't you like what was it about him that drew you?
• 25:58
  Sade Curry: I like to talk about like the green flags.
• 26:00
  Sade Curry: Oh, because we're often really good at like oh my God, this person is toxic.
• 26:05
  Sade Curry: And listing all the things we don't want, yeah, but recognizing what we do want sometimes can be a little bit harder.
• 26:11
  Sade Curry: So tell us like why, did you like keep seeing?
• 26:15
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: him.
• 26:15
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah, no, I appreciate that question and I think for me there are a couple of things from what I had learned of him when we decided to like actually start dating and like make a commitment to each other.
• 26:29
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: All the things that I had learned about him to that point was that he was very stable, he was a man of his word, which was a really big deal for me and, interestingly enough this may sound weird but he was also predictable.
• 26:44
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: In some ways.
• 26:45
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: That made me feel safe and and, for example, what I meant.
• 26:50
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: What I mean by that is, you know, he had a very like kind of rigid schedule and even to this day, to a certain degree, he kind of still follows somewhat of a rigid schedule.
• 27:03
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: But I love that he had discipline and like he had, he kept commitments to himself, like even around like his health and around his career, that type of thing.
• 27:15
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And then I learning more about, like his story.
• 27:17
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: That was a connection point for me.
• 27:20
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: So, yeah, I think those were the big things like he was a man of his word, he was stable, he had habits that created safety for me mentally and and yeah, and we just enjoyed each other's company.
• 27:36
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: We like doing some of the same things, like you know, hiking, walking the dogs, like we love going out to dinner, little things like that, and we love to travel.
• 27:44
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so, yeah, like those were the initial.
• 27:47
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And then I would say, like, as we went on and, of course, got to know each other a lot more, then you get to also know, like you know, the bumps in the road a little bit, and then you decide how you want to work through those.
• 27:57
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: But, yeah, I would say those were the initial green lights.
• 28:00
  Sade Curry: Yeah, oh my God, it sounds so nice yeah.
• 28:04
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Right.
• 28:04
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I mean it is beautiful, and then sometimes it's not right.
• 28:08
  Sade Curry: You know, as you know, and what I love about your description is just because we, we often grew up and I don't know if you did, you know I grew up on romance novels and, as a young adult, all the movies, the idea of romance, the fairy tale, like we were all, our generation in particular, and I think even you know.
• 28:27
  Sade Curry: I think millennials have some of this too and I'm hoping Gen Z will escape the indoctrination about the fairy tale, but I'm not sure.
• 28:37
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes.
• 28:38
  Sade Curry: It's not encouraging.
• 28:40
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes, I hope they escape it as well.
• 28:43
  Sade Curry: Like I feel like you know, my daughter is Gen Z and she has friends and they're all feminists.
• 28:49
  Sade Curry: But then I'm like you all are fairy tale feminists, you all need to like Fairy tale.
• 28:54
  Sade Curry: I love that description, so yeah, but that indoctrination and the program, the conditioning of women to like, look for this fairy tale.
• 29:04
  Sade Curry: What you've described sounds so beautiful and so desirable, but nothing like the fairy tale.
• 29:10
  Sade Curry: That's true.
• 29:11
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: That actually I never thought about that before.
• 29:14
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You're right, because, ok, share with me, like because I didn't grow up on the romance novels, so like what's being sold to us in the?
• 29:21
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah.
• 29:22
  Sade Curry: So the fairy tale is you know, the man is.
• 29:27
  Sade Curry: He's big and strong, so he's bigger than you, he's taller than you, he's got his dark looks.
• 29:33
  Sade Curry: Yeah, he looks like Superman or some version of you know the people we see on TV.
• 29:38
  Sade Curry: So he's got that.
• 29:40
  Sade Curry: When you, when you meet him, he's got that, he's an enigma.
• 29:43
  Sade Curry: He's got that magnetism.
• 29:45
  Sade Curry: So of course you feel the spark on the first date and if you don't feel the spark on the first date you know, yeah, something's wrong.
• 29:54
  Sade Curry: Of course, he makes more money than you, but he and this is where the ants come in he makes more money than you, but he's also not a workaholic, oh, ok, Right.
• 30:06
  Sade Curry: Yeah, he's handy and can fix everything around the house, but he also plans like the super romantic events and dinners and travel.
• 30:18
  Sade Curry: Oh my God, it's always these, these ants.
• 30:22
  Sade Curry: Yes, of course, every woman wants some unique combination of a man, for sure, and I always encourage my clients to find that, like, what's the unique combination for you?
• 30:33
  Sade Curry: But I think, because of our programming, sometimes we have a hard time figuring out what it is that.
• 30:39
  Sade Curry: What is it that I really want?
• 30:41
  Sade Curry: Yes, and there's a little bit of shame if you don't want the things you've been told you should want.
• 30:46
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes, you know, I appreciate you saying that because I think, again, that's a reminder to women that it's natural for you to feel that fear, to step into finding out what it is that you want, like the women who work with you do, you know.
• 30:59
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so, yeah, I think the more we you get that message out there, it really does help women just step into that fear Because, like you said earlier, it is only an emotion and it makes sense.
• 31:10
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It's good to normalize it Like OK, it makes sense that you're feeling that fear, and right there's the power of the ant and let's work on finding out what it is that you truly want, even if it doesn't look like that fairy tale that we've been sold.
• 31:24
  Sade Curry: Yes, yeah, because when you mentioned a rigid schedule, I like the idea of like.
• 31:29
  Sade Curry: My husband is fairly predictable in many ways, maybe not as predictable as yours, but he's fairly like I can pretty much where he's going to be, what he's going to be doing, but the idea of a man who, like, is predictable or keeps to a schedule, even a rigid schedule, yeah, oh, my goodness, if a man put that on his apps, right he would get all the left swipes.
• 31:53
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: He would get all the left swipes, that is.
• 31:55
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I mean his little profile would be like dusty, like for sure.
• 31:59
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah, you're so right, that's so interesting.
• 32:01
  Sade Curry: And I, but there are a lot of women that I know who that's exactly what they want.
• 32:05
  Sade Curry: I have clients right now who that's exactly what they want and you know, and a lot of my job is really sitting with them and holding space to check and double check and, yes, and when they start to stray from what we've set up front that they want, really checking in with them, because sometimes you do change what you want.
• 32:23
  Sade Curry: You're like oh, I discovered this and I want it there you go and sometimes it's just the pool of society and the pool of even our evolutionary biology.
• 32:33
  Sade Curry: Yes, the brain, and the brain farts.
• 32:36
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes, you know.
• 32:37
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Again, I'm so happy you're saying that, because when you're working with a woman, in the beginning she's telling you she wants one thing, and then maybe she's going out there and dating and then that changes.
• 32:48
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I think that's so important to acknowledge, because there are some women, like you said, six months in you knew, but then you went a couple, 17 more years more.
• 32:57
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know what I mean.
• 32:58
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so there are those of us out there with that story and so we haven't been in the dating pool in years, and so it makes sense that when we get out there, yeah, our wants and desires may change, because we have been so detached from that anyhow, and so we're learning different things about us as we.
• 33:18
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It's like it's one thing to know what you want and desire, but to have interaction with that right, with another man or a person right, is completely different.
• 33:31
  Sade Curry: It really is.
• 33:32
  Sade Curry: We have my clients and I have a lot of conversations about chemistry, like what does chemistry mean to you?
• 33:37
  Sade Curry: Not what chemistry looks like on the TV screen, right, what does that mean for you?
• 33:43
  Sade Curry: And when you have had chemistry in the past, was it always chemistry, yeah, or was it just like was it something else?
• 33:50
  Sade Curry: And we really spend a lot of time teasing.
• 33:52
  Sade Curry: So, as people ask me, why does this take six to nine months?
• 33:55
  Sade Curry: I'm like cause we're teasing out and not every client takes that long.
• 33:58
  Sade Curry: Some of them it's like three months, four months If they, no matter how well they know themselves, right, teasing out things that you may not have been told you should know about yourself.
• 34:06
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah.
• 34:07
  Sade Curry: What do you really want?
• 34:08
  Sade Curry: What nourishes you?
• 34:10
  Sade Curry: I like to use the word nourish versus the word what is attractive to you?
• 34:14
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Cause.
• 34:14
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: That's what is attractive to us?
• 34:17
  Sade Curry: Is it nourishing for us?
• 34:18
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: That is such a truth, Sade.
• 34:19
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I love that you're teaching your clients that, yes, yeah.
• 34:24
  Sade Curry: Cause I mean, listen, we all have our celebrity that we're gonna have, when everyone has a celebrity.
• 34:29
  Sade Curry: What do they call it?
• 34:29
  Sade Curry: They call it the card where you have a, the pass or something like that yes.
• 34:35
  Sade Curry: For this celebrity.
• 34:37
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: We all have that, we're all human.
• 34:38
  Sade Curry: Everybody's gonna have that right Knowing if you can at least say okay, yes, Whenever I see this person, my ovaries jump versus
• 34:51
  Sade Curry: I want to live with for the rest of my life Me look a lot different than that.
• 34:55
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: That's so true, you are so right about that, because doing life with someone every single day, the highs and the lows, like that, takes a different type of commitment connection.
• 35:10
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know, like chemistry like that.
• 35:12
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It just looks different.
• 35:14
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And I even heard someone say that if, when you meet someone kind and you saying this made me think of it, like if you feel like this big, like huge explosion, like spark between like quote unquote chemistry between the two of you, that it may not necessarily be a good sign, right and so, yeah, you have to like ask yourself those questions and dig deeper and move past like that initial than a natural place.
• 35:40
  Sade Curry: Yeah, I think about, even in friendships, like you know, as you were saying, that I think about because I mean I'm always, like you know, connecting with people and there's sometimes people I'm like, oh, I'd love to be friends with this person and things like that.
• 35:53
  Sade Curry: And I'm learning what it feels like when I meet someone that I can actually have a long-term friendship with.
• 35:59
  Sade Curry: Yes, Versus the ladies who really catch my attention, and I feel that, not not an attraction, but it's almost like I feel that magnetism and I just have a huge admirer of the work that they do or who they are, and their sparkle, or even their depth of insight.
• 36:18
  Sade Curry: And this happened to me recently, where I met someone I just had a depth of insight and she was just so sparkly as the word.
• 36:24
  Sade Curry: And I actually still really, I mean, we're friends and I love her.
• 36:29
  Sade Curry: But I realized, even as I tried to like move closer and like connect our circles, my efforts to connect our circles didn't quite work.
• 36:40
  Sade Curry: So I was like, oh, we can be friends, but only in this way.
• 36:44
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah.
• 36:45
  Sade Curry: We can't be friends in the way that I was thinking we could be friends.
• 36:49
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes, I love that distinction right Because it is.
• 36:52
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It's like sometimes it goes back to what we were saying before, like sometimes our idea about how we think something would be, or maybe a connection that we think that we had, like it's true, but the way that it's playing out is not necessarily exactly how we thought it was gonna be.
• 37:07
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah, that's agreeable.
• 37:09
  Sade Curry: A lot of my job is holding my clients through that.
• 37:12
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Through that.
• 37:13
  Sade Curry: Okay, here's the initial sparkle, and listen.
• 37:15
  Sade Curry: I always tell them I'm like, listen, I'm rooting for you, that this is it.
• 37:18
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes, okay, yeah.
• 37:20
  Sade Curry: I try not to be the negative Nelly.
• 37:22
  Sade Curry: When they meet someone that they absolutely adore, I'm like listen, you and me.
• 37:26
  Sade Curry: It's good for me if he's the one that's right.
• 37:28
  Sade Curry: Yeah, I get a testimonial.
• 37:30
  Sade Curry: That's right, my job is done.
• 37:33
  Sade Curry: You tell me I'm awesome.
• 37:34
  Sade Curry: That's right.
• 37:35
  Sade Curry: My job is to help you make sure he is the one that's right and to help you have clarity if he isn't, yes, so that we can actually find the one who is really the one.
• 37:45
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: That's right, yeah, because you know like your time is precious and giving yourself to someone, because, like even and I love that you even brought up like the friendship example because you know, becoming friends and it's so interesting too, because gaining friends as an adult, and especially after an adult, after 40, it's like a different game.
• 38:04
  Sade Curry: It is so hard.
• 38:05
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It is so interesting, like what is that?
• 38:07
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: But aside from, that was a tangent.
• 38:11
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: But yeah, it's like I love that you're helping women like identify what it is that they truly want, but then having the courage to step out or step to the side and, like you say, friends on them if needed and move on to giving their time and their energy to finding something that really is like something more nourishing, using your brain.
• 38:37
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes, Right 100%.
• 38:39
  Sade Curry: Yeah, I was gonna ask you, so I had this thought recently and I considered doing a podcast episode about it, but maybe we can just do a mini podcast episode about it right now.
• 38:47
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Let's do it.
• 38:48
  Sade Curry: I was.
• 38:48
  Sade Curry: I can't remember what happened.
• 38:50
  Sade Curry: Actually, I can't remember what led up to the thought, but my thought was I think people who are single should really be reading marriage books, because reading about the conflicts in marriage and the problems in marriage and what you're gonna need to tackle can really be helpful in informing how you choose.
• 39:05
  Sade Curry: That's so true, and people who are married should be reading dating books to reconsider whether they're in a rut whether they've lost their spark and the work that they need to do to like okay, let's go on date nights, let's bring in the sizzle, the sparkle.
• 39:24
  Sade Curry: Who were we when we met and I was like, oh, I wonder what the thoughts around that could be.
• 39:30
  Sade Curry: It's like swapping our bookshelves as single people and married people.
• 39:34
  Sade Curry: So, like, what do you think about because I know you work with people who are married what are the things that, like, people who are dating need to know about marriage?
• 39:41
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Oh my gosh.
• 39:42
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: First of all, you're onto something there.
• 39:44
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I love that idea and I think that'd be something even interesting for you to start working with your clients on and just like see what happens.
• 39:51
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And maybe I'll do the same, because even those couple of descriptors that you shared are so on point, because typically, when we're married, at some point we definitely do forget to date each other right, and we forget to, you know, make time for one another and like bring that spark back sometimes.
• 40:11
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And you're so right about those who are on the single side.
• 40:15
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: They should start looking at what are some of the like, the components of, like, a strong marriage.
• 40:22
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And I like to think that a strong marriage, at the foundation of it, to me, and of course, because this is my focus is really strong communication.
• 40:32
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It can include disagreements, right, because that's totally healthy, right, just as long as we're agreeing on how to disagree.
• 40:38
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: But communication is at the foundation of a strong marriage, because when you can communicate about anything, that covers everything, right, it covers the kids, it covers the finances, the in-laws, the you know, everything that you can think of you have to communicate about.
• 40:54
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so I think for those who are single, you know if you like many of the ladies listening who are in that dating phase some it makes me think of some of the possible red flags would be someone who has a hard time communicating, or maybe they're not as emotionally intelligent and look, you know I know that's a personal preference like having someone kind of more connected to their emotions and they know how to communicate or they know how to hold space for you.
• 41:26
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so I think sometimes, well, I feel like I feel very strongly that we attract a soul that is meant to be with us in this season of life so that way we can like experience the lessons that we need to learn, right?
• 41:46
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I really do believe that and so yeah, your question made me think back to yeah, during that dating phase to look out for those red flags and communication I think is on top of the list.
• 42:00
  Sade Curry: Right, yeah, yeah.
• 42:02
  Sade Curry: And sometimes, like I even talked to a client recently and I said you know, I don't know if this is the right relationship for you, because communication is so hard.
• 42:10
  Sade Curry: Yeah, like you're not married yet and communication is so hard, yeah not a good sign, you know cause I'm having to like, like even you know, start saying, hey, maybe you should, maybe you all should go to therapy together.
• 42:28
  Sade Curry: I'm like, what do you mean?
• 42:29
  Sade Curry: Like, if you?
• 42:30
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: That's true, right?
• 42:31
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yeah, you're just dating and you need to go to therapy.
• 42:34
  Sade Curry: Like, yeah, you know, and so things like that, like communication.
• 42:38
  Sade Curry: If the communication is so hard, if it's pulling teeth, yeah To get this person to tell you what's on their mind or for them to be transparent, that may be an indicator that something's wrong.
• 42:50
  Sade Curry: Exactly, you should take a step back and take a second look at the relationship and take a second look at the possibilities.
• 42:57
  Sade Curry: Exactly, is this what I really, really want?
• 43:00
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Yes, no, that's so true and hopefully you don't mind me sharing this, but one of the reasons why I love working with you and your husband so much you both communicate Like we don't get on those calls and someone's like, you know, like you said, like pulling teeth.
• 43:16
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It's like that's not something that we're dealing with and it's because of that, like why you guys are and will continue to grow in like your success and reaching your goals, your communication goals in your marriage.
• 43:28
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: But you're right, you have someone and you are dating and you are seeing some of these red flags Like it's better to have an over communicator, but maybe we need to finesse it a little bit or maybe teach them how to, you know, take turns or that type of thing.
• 43:45
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know it's better to have that than, like you said, you know you can't get anything out of them.
• 43:50
  Sade Curry: Yeah, yeah, amazing.
• 43:52
  Sade Curry: Wow thank you so much.
• 43:53
  Sade Curry: This has been such a delightful episode.
• 43:55
  Sade Curry: So listeners, Christal and I, myself, crystal and Kent are meeting tonight, so Tuesday nights are our marriage coaching night, so I get to experience her twice today.
• 44:07
  Sade Curry: So this has been such a pleasure.
• 44:09
  Sade Curry: Is there anything else you, you know, want to share with the audience, something you want to share with the ladies, or just you know, whatever it is?
• 44:17
  Sade Curry: Thoughts plus to wrap up.
• 44:20
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You know I just first off Shade.
• 44:21
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: This has been like a lovely conversation and, again, I'm so happy that you are serving women on this platform because this is a season in like your life, right, as you are dating, that this really is a time because I'm going to say it again it's a time to be selfish, right?
• 44:39
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: We've all had our round one, right?
• 44:41
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Everybody who's listening, shade, myself, we've all had our round one.
• 44:45
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: And so, as you go into dating again, and especially if marriage is your intent, eventually you be courageous and you be willing to say no in a very, you know, respectful and beautiful way and you allow yourself to be okay in the discomfort, because the discomfort is not a sign that you've done something wrong.
• 45:08
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It just means you're human with a human brain and you're experiencing some emotion.
• 45:12
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: So you say no if you need to.
• 45:15
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: You friend zone, like Sade is teaching you If you need to.
• 45:19
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: Right, and you go after what, like, your heart truly desires because it's out there.
• 45:26
  Sade Curry: It is.
• 45:26
  Sade Curry: It really is.
• 45:27
  Sade Curry: Christal, thank you so much for sharing.
• 45:29
  Sade Curry: I know for sure because I have actually been, like I've been dropping your name, like with lots of couples since we started working together.
• 45:38
  Sade Curry: So I know there are some people listening who either would love to connect with you or who would love to refer someone to you.
• 45:44
  Sade Curry: Could you please tell the audience again?
• 45:47
  Sade Curry: Just kind of give us a little recap of who you work with, what you do and where we can find you on the internet?
• 45:53
  Sade Curry: Yes, thank you so.
• 45:55
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I primarily work with professional women, but I want you to know if your husband is willing, bring it on right.
• 46:02
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: I will absolutely work with couples.
• 46:03
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: It's something I've been learning to really enjoy, and the best place to find me welcome to go to my website it's christalallen.
• 46:10
  Christal Allen-Harrahill: com and I know that'll be in the show notes of the show, but I'm also on Instagram, if you like to be on social, at Marriage Coach Christal.
• 46:20
  Sade Curry: Amazing.
• 46:20
  Sade Curry: All right listeners.
• 46:21
  Sade Curry: I hope you have enjoyed this conversation as much as I have.
• 46:25
  Sade Curry: It's been so delightful.
• 46:26
  Sade Curry: I encourage you to check out Christal's work.
• 46:29
  Sade Curry: I can't think of anyone single or in a relationship who does not need to hear just this kind of wisdom and this kind of understanding around marriage and around communication and around taking your own path in your own relationships?
• 46:45
  Sade Curry: So I encourage you to check out her work.
• 46:46
  Sade Curry: We want to thank you for your time and attention and we will see you next time.