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204 | When Mentors Become Stand-Ins for Your Parents · Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design

• 0:00
  Erin Gray: Welcome back to Your Money, Your Rules.
• 0:02
  Erin Gray: Today I want to discuss an awareness that I discovered over this past weekend that I recognize in myself and what I was actually doing for so many years.
• 0:14
  Erin Gray: I see this in my clients as well.
• 0:16
  Erin Gray: And it's this idea that we have made our mentors become stand-ins for our parents and their validation.
• 0:25
  Erin Gray: So let's dive in.
• 0:28
  Erin Gray: Pretty much every area of my life besides money and business, I don't really listen to authority figures.
• 0:34
  Erin Gray: I'm very anchored in and trusting myself, and I move from certainty from that place.
• 0:39
  Erin Gray: But with money and business, that has been something that's been a little bit more tender for me, probably obviously because of, you know, if you've listened to previous podcasts of my wounding around money, around business, I would even say money trauma, even business trauma.
• 0:53
  Erin Gray: So there's that like little bit of like tinge or sensitiveness that I have around money and business.
• 1:00
  Erin Gray: And for me, that has been something that has been such a sensitive topic for me that I have sought plenty of advice, plenty of advisors, mentors, coaches, consultants, books, courses, you name it, I've done it.
• 1:17
  Erin Gray: And I think that that's probably because it has been a sensitive topic for me and because I have desired it and I have wanted that more probably than I have wanted some other things in my life.
• 1:29
  Erin Gray: And so, of course, I'm gonna put the attention on it, probably over, you know, not that I haven't valued my health because I've always taken care of myself, but it has been something that for me has been more natural for me.
• 1:41
  Erin Gray: Parenting has been more natural than maybe, you know, the money in the business side.
• 1:46
  Erin Gray: Not that I'm not good at it, but definitely I should say the attention is is more fixated on money and business.
• 1:53
  Erin Gray: It has been in my life than parenting or my health and things of that sort.
• 1:57
  Erin Gray: So naturally, because I've had this desire and the want for it, right?
• 2:02
  Erin Gray: The want for more money, the want for business and all of that kind of stuff was stronger.
• 2:06
  Erin Gray: I've hired people in that realm, like I mentioned.
• 2:09
  Erin Gray: And what I recognize is that I had and used to, I don't do this anymore.
• 2:14
  Erin Gray: I have outsourced my decision making to them.
• 2:16
  Erin Gray: You know, I held their beliefs or ideas higher than I held my own.
• 2:21
  Erin Gray: I literally put them out on a pedestal.
• 2:24
  Erin Gray: You know, I have friends that put medical professionals on a pedestal and they view them as the authority figure.
• 2:32
  Erin Gray: So we all do this in different ways.
• 2:35
  Erin Gray: And I think what I have noticed for myself and for clients is that tenderness around money and business, we do this in the business realm and then the money realm.
• 2:45
  Erin Gray: And so, and what I recognize is it was like this unconscious belief, unconscious thread, uh, that I was seeking permission from my father.
• 2:54
  Erin Gray: I love my dad.
• 2:55
  Erin Gray: He's amazing.
• 2:56
  Erin Gray: I respect him.
• 2:58
  Erin Gray: He, you know, gave me an opportunity, he and my uncle gave me an opportunity to walk into a, I think it was like a 30-year-old business at the time to have, I mean, it didn't take long to have complete access and to be managing all of the money, to be really running a lot of the company and to be on that more advisory role.
• 3:16
  Erin Gray: So I'm so grateful for that because there's so much that I learned by sitting in the seat and doing the things that I did in the business.
• 3:24
  Erin Gray: And also what I recognize is that I at the time I would value his opinion over my own.
• 3:32
  Erin Gray: And I don't know when it happened, you know, somewhere along the way, I learned that what I thought about myself, my what I trusted for myself mattered less than what either he thought about me or my uncle thought about me, or what I was capable of.
• 3:46
  Erin Gray: And when I reflect on this, you know, I noticed that growing up, you know, there's patterns, right?
• 3:52
  Erin Gray: Growing up early on, like maybe because we, me and my dad hung out more than me and my mom did, he was more of a level-headed presence, you know, at the time.
• 4:01
  Erin Gray: And then when we began to work together, there was that whole dynamic too.
• 4:06
  Erin Gray: And I remember so often there being, and I didn't have the language for it at the time, but I would have these ideas.
• 4:12
  Erin Gray: I would have these downloads, these intuitive hits that I would tell him to act on.
• 4:17
  Erin Gray: And then he would dismiss them because I couldn't give him the 3D proof.
• 4:21
  Erin Gray: I remember there was this one project manager that I was like, we have to let him go.
• 4:25
  Erin Gray: We've rended him up so many times.
• 4:26
  Erin Gray: We've told him what he needs to do.
• 4:28
  Erin Gray: He's not doing it.
• 4:29
  Erin Gray: Like, we've done all the things that we need to do.
• 4:31
  Erin Gray: It's just time, like the company morale is changing because of the people working with him.
• 4:35
  Erin Gray: Like it was just a whole dynamic.
• 4:37
  Erin Gray: And I know at the time, I think my father was acting from a place of fear.
• 4:41
  Erin Gray: Like instead of that intuitive hit and that being enough for him.
• 4:45
  Erin Gray: I actually had to, because he was really concerned about, well, our unemployment rate would go up.
• 4:50
  Erin Gray: And if you know anything about unemployment rates, they stay for a certain number of years on your record and you pay that on your certain percentage of payroll.
• 4:58
  Erin Gray: I don't want to dive down into the rabbit hole and explain all that, but like that was a fear for him.
• 5:02
  Erin Gray: He didn't want his unemployment rate for all of the payroll to go up for a significant amount and for an extended period of time.
• 5:09
  Erin Gray: And I remember I actually had to go in and calculate like, okay, if the rate became this, what would we pay on that for how many years and all of this?
• 5:17
  Erin Gray: Like I had to do the 3D proof stuff for him to finally see, oh, okay, this makes sense versus him just trusting me with my intuitive download and my hits that I was getting, that this wasn't a best fit anymore.
• 5:33
  Erin Gray: And so ultimately, when he saw what I call the 3D proof, when he saw the numbers and the data, he was like, okay, that makes sense to him, in addition to all of the other, you know, emotional stuff and the the things that he wasn't performing on.
• 5:47
  Erin Gray: So there was that little inkling, I think, for me, that I always felt like I had to prove or I had to earn.
• 5:53
  Erin Gray: And this isn't a blaming of my dad.
• 5:56
  Erin Gray: This isn't of what he did wrong, but I do notice this in my clients of where we sometimes still operate from that child perspective versus coming at it from a very empowered adult.
• 6:09
  Erin Gray: So when it came to the money beliefs or building my business, I recognize where I would begin looking outside of myself for the answer, you know, asking the mentors or advisors or coaches, like, what did they think?
• 6:22
  Erin Gray: Was I making a correct decision?
• 6:25
  Erin Gray: Questioning, you know, if it would work or not, ultimately, like really wanting their blessing, their okay, in order to move forward.
• 6:32
  Erin Gray: And this realization of unconsciously assigning them authority that actually belonged to me.
• 6:40
  Erin Gray: And what I recognized, this is, you know, didn't recognize this at the time, but what I recognized over this past weekend of like, oh, okay, this is what I had been doing.
• 6:48
  Erin Gray: I wasn't paying for their perspective.
• 6:51
  Erin Gray: I was paying for their permission.
• 6:53
  Erin Gray: And I was asking them for certainty.
• 6:55
  Erin Gray: And I was trying to, you know, get their certainty that was actually my responsibility.
• 7:01
  Erin Gray: And so I say all of this to say that if this is you, it's totally normal.
• 7:07
  Erin Gray: I think a lot of us, you know, have unconscious programming still going on around our parents.
• 7:14
  Erin Gray: What I've recognized for a lot of my clients is there has been this earning desire, right?
• 7:20
  Erin Gray: Like we as a child, we wanted to earn our parents love and affection and add a girls.
• 7:26
  Erin Gray: And we did that a lot by looking to them to see if they were proud of us, looking to them to see if they approved of what we were doing or what we weren't doing.
• 7:36
  Erin Gray: And we just moved that into our business.
• 7:40
  Erin Gray: And so I think for some of us, we are hiring mentors and or advisors, right, that are wanting, we're wanting to receive that from them because that's something that we never received growing up.
• 7:53
  Erin Gray: And this is why I always say like I help people return home to themselves.
• 7:57
  Erin Gray: I don't help you become someone new because this is already inside of you.
• 8:01
  Erin Gray: Trusting yourself, feeling certainty in yourself.
• 8:05
  Erin Gray: No mentor, no advisor, no parent can ever give you that.
• 8:10
  Erin Gray: And I think when you come from that place, when you come from, I trust myself.
• 8:15
  Erin Gray: I love the perspective that they give me.
• 8:17
  Erin Gray: I love the information or the advice that they give me, but I'm ultimately going to, you know, run it through my filter.
• 8:24
  Erin Gray: The difference is we're no longer outsourcing our knowing.
• 8:29
  Erin Gray: We are valuing discernment.
• 8:32
  Erin Gray: We are valuing perspective that someone might give or the advice that we that they might give.
• 8:37
  Erin Gray: But like I tell all of my clients, like you have to run it through your filter and your intuition and you have to move from you know that place.
• 8:44
  Erin Gray: Like, I'm not in your body.
• 8:46
  Erin Gray: Only you are in your body.
• 8:47
  Erin Gray: Only you know what that feels like.
• 8:49
  Erin Gray: I don't know what's best for you.
• 8:50
  Erin Gray: Only you know.
• 8:51
  Erin Gray: And I think definitely in the business world, we have built a society around people like gurus and experts, and like, oh, they have so many years in business and they've made so many millions of dollars and add on all of the things that they say.
• 9:04
  Erin Gray: And then we think, oh gosh, they know more than me.
• 9:07
  Erin Gray: But nobody knows your business like you know it.
• 9:11
  Erin Gray: Nobody knows your body and your intuition like you do.
• 9:14
  Erin Gray: And I think that's one of the biggest things and the most powerful things and the most loving things that I can do for my clients is empower them again, right?
• 9:22
  Erin Gray: Like we've always had it.
• 9:23
  Erin Gray: We had to move away from it, kind of feel disempowered to then move back into it and to empower you to trust yourself above everyone and everyone else.
• 9:33
  Erin Gray: And that I'm not saying don't listen to them.
• 9:36
  Erin Gray: I'm just saying don't take their perspective or their advice with more weight than what yours is.
• 9:42
  Erin Gray: And I think it's a skill that we all need to master and to move from.
• 9:48
  Erin Gray: Okay, so I want to leave you with a couple of questions to reflect on and to ponder.
• 9:55
  Erin Gray: Where are you seeking permission instead of seeking support?
• 10:00
  Erin Gray: Like, think about when you go to ask someone that maybe you're working with or an advisor of yours, are you going to them from the energy of I want to feel supported and they give me some perspective and some discernment?
• 10:14
  Erin Gray: Or am I going to them to help them?
• 10:17
  Erin Gray: I want them to tell me the answer.
• 10:19
  Erin Gray: Whose approval am I still trying to earn?
• 10:23
  Erin Gray: What decision do I already know the answer to that I'm actually not taking action on, that I'm still outsourcing?
• 10:31
  Erin Gray: And then the last one is if no expert, which I don't even like that word, but like if no expert or advisor, I had an advisor in my corner existed, what would I choose?
• 10:42
  Erin Gray: And I think those are really powerful questions to sit with, to ponder and to contemplate over the next week of like, and I noticed where I still do this.
• 10:52
  Erin Gray: And I was having a meeting with my SEO team, and I told them, I said, I don't like it.
• 10:57
  Erin Gray: We're not gonna do it this way.
• 10:59
  Erin Gray: And that person probably wouldn't have said that a couple of years ago.
• 11:05
  Erin Gray: I would have curtailed to them, I would have, you know, I don't want to say bowed down, but definitely been more sheepish because they have so many years of experience and they have so many clients that they do this with.
• 11:15
  Erin Gray: And like my brain would have come up with all of the reasons why I should trust them over my own knowing versus asking myself, what did I actually want to do?
• 11:23
  Erin Gray: Did it feel good this way?
• 11:25
  Erin Gray: Did it, you know, all of the questions that I asked myself to get to the place of like, no, I don't want to do it this way.
• 11:30
  Erin Gray: This is what I want.
• 11:31
  Erin Gray: We're gonna have to figure out how to put all of your SEO into my box, not me fitting into your SEO box.
• 11:38
  Erin Gray: So I want to also say that mentors and advisors, they have their place, right?
• 11:44
  Erin Gray: The best ones that I have ever worked with, they did not teach me to depend on them.
• 11:50
  Erin Gray: They taught me to trust myself because the goal is not to replace one authority figure with another.
• 11:57
  Erin Gray: The goal is to become your own authority in your own life, to trust yourself above everybody else.
• 12:03
  Erin Gray: And I know that that can feel intimidating at times, you know, when you're sitting across the room with someone that has more letters behind their name than you don't even know what it means, or they have more years of experience than you do, but they don't have more years of experience in your own business.
• 12:18
  Erin Gray: They don't have more years of experience in your body than you do.
• 12:22
  Erin Gray: And they don't know what your intuition is telling you.
• 12:26
  Erin Gray: And you have to trust that and you have to lean on yourself and your intuition and certainty more than you lean on anybody else.
• 12:34
  Erin Gray: So I wanted to say trust yourself, trust your knowing, trust your intuition.
• 12:39
  Erin Gray: Like it is there for you.
• 12:40
  Erin Gray: It is a direct telephone line from God.
• 12:43
  Erin Gray: So trust that.
• 12:44
  Erin Gray: I also want to say that if you are a female founder who wants a different kind of support, a different level of support, where you're not going to be told what to do, where you're gonna be supported in every decision that you make in your decision-making process and you know, anchored into your trusting of yourself above everyone else, above everybody else on your team, employees, whatever it might be.
• 13:07
  Erin Gray: I would love to connect and see if we are a good fit for each other.
• 13:12
  Erin Gray: I'll include the application link in the show notes below.
• 13:15
  Erin Gray: Okay, that's all I have for you.
• 13:18
  Erin Gray: Contemplate those questions, think about them.
• 13:20
  Erin Gray: And, you know, it may not just show up in money and business, you know, it may be showing up in who you're working with with your health.
• 13:27
  Erin Gray: It may show up in your child's school.
• 13:30
  Erin Gray: So just think about that.
• 13:32
  Erin Gray: Might, you know, I I know I talk a lot about money and business, but it might be showing up in other areas too.
• 13:39
  Erin Gray: And so think about that as well.
• 13:40
  Erin Gray: Okay, I'll see you in the next episode.