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I Started Using Right After Rehab : An Actresses Comeback Story · Recovering Out Loud

0:01
Hi there, welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud
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Podcast, the show where we get real about mental health and
0:08
addiction. I'm so glad you're here.
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If you or someone you love is struggling with drugs or
0:13
alcohol, please reach out for help.
0:16
Send me a message on all social media platforms at Recovering
0:20
Out Loud Pod or by e-mail at recoveringoutloudpod@gmail.com.
0:26
You are no longer alone. So I used to use my phone for
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the third camera. Oh no.
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And that's going to be triggering for everyone, sorry.
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Especially if you're listening in the car.
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Did I tell you I had a counsellor at rehab who did
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that? He'd start every class by
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opening a can of. Bubble every single.
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Class. I was like, this motherfucker's
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doing this on purpose. Like it was like, remarkable.
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That that is like a very unique sound too, especially because I
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don't know if you heard like you're probably weird like me,
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but I can like tell when it's a beer and when it's like not a
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beer, right? Like that little pussy opening
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sound that I just did there that was like, you know, Red Bull.
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But that's really triggering. Wow.
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Yeah, but I think, again, it was like, wake up kids.
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You're going to be getting out of here someday.
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You're going to have to deal with this shit in the real
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world. I had, so I work at a rehab now
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and I had, I get phone calls and messages from parents and stuff
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and this lady was messaging me today saying that the the fire
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pit and the pool table at the treatment center, She's like,
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isn't that triggering for people?
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Like how can you? She was like upset like visibly,
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you know, verbally upset. Isn't that triggering for people
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like how can you offer a safe environment when there's a pool
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table and a fire pit? Like doesn't that give people
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urges to like spark up? She said.
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And I. Could hope you didn't tell her
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about the karaoke. Yeah, or the the gambling card
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games that we play after. But to, to your point, it's like
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I said to her, OK, you can't avoid triggers and one, what
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better place to handle them and deal with them than in
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treatment, right? Your point is very valid.
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It's like, and, and it's an important point too, because I'm
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going to leave here someday this bubble that I'm in, this
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treatment bubble that I'm in, 'cause it is a bubble at the end
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of the day, right? And I'm going to have to deal
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with walking by the patio and seeing that motherfucker enjoy
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his beer while I fantasize about it.
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Yeah, watching that bum sneak a sip on the subway and be like,
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yo, dude, I could do that better than you.
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Yeah, you're doing it all wrong. And truly a bubble because, you
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know, I was at, I think we're talking about the same rehab.
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Frankly, I don't know if I'm allowed to say the names of
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things on this. I would just avoid saying.
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OK. OK.
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So this rehab, like I stayed there for 47 days and the minute
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I got out, I still understood that this thing isn't curable,
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but I still felt this like sense of confidence, a sense of
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ability. And I relapsed in less than 48
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hours and I couldn't believe it. I thought about the money spent,
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I thought about the time put in, but this, these are the lessons
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I had to learn because it's like now I can pass it on and I can
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say that it's very for real, that sense of the bubble.
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But my brother-in-law in Vancouver, he works at a place
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called the Junction. And what they do is they have
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activities for people in recovery.
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And he explained to me how things like karaoke game shows,
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pretend casino nights, like this sort of thing is to and not only
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remind us how much fun we can have in sobriety, that we are
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totally permitted to go and still do the things we did when
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we were drinking, just minus the alcohol.
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But it's just to help normalize you as a person.
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It's to help remind you that like you can do anything a
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regular person can. It's just that you have to have
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your skills in set skill set in place.
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Yeah, and, and to rewire your brain to not associate hitting a
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blackjack hand, for example, with, you know, doing a line of
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cocaine right after. I was literally going to say do
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a line of cocaine after a while. We're very similar.
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Well, I mean, because, yeah, that's what I did, right.
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I blacktracking cocaine like in casinos.
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That was like, you know, that was my idea of fun.
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More Marshall gambling, sports gambling and and cocaine, Yeah,
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but. Yeah, I think any like cocaine
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obviously makes me think of crazy Eights.
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We did a ton of blow while playing that card game.
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Oh really? Anything to do with my hands or
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counting numbers or organization, I'm like, because
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that was always my solution to my lack of focus or my my sense
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of fear that I wouldn't get it right is like, I'm going to do
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this line and then I'm going to be a superhero.
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It won't matter too, right? Like the fact that I can't get
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anything right, doesn't it just like disappears?
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Exactly. Oh my gosh, all that sense of
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self, that self righteousness, that was a really big downfall
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for me. So you relapsed 48 hours after
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treatment. What was that like?
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How did that happen? It was such a slide, you know,
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much like my entire experience with addiction, one of those
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moments of how did I end up here again?
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But it was I think knowing that when I would be getting out of
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rehab, I would be going back to my parents house.
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And my parents house is like the Mecca of my addiction.
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It's like where all of the trauma started.
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It's where I drank for so many years.
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My mom is an alcoholic, untreated and unadmitted.
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And like, I just thought, that's so dangerous.
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I can't be doing that. So I I took up.
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We're still capable of doing completely reckless, mindless
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things even when absolutely. But I took up some man's offer.
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He was from Turkey and he's like, I have space in my
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apartment down on Ronses Vales. You could stay here instead.
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And I thought in my head like any sort of sexual advance he'd
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make, I could overcome that and I did.
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I told him like back the hell off, but but it's still like hit
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my brain incorrectly. I went back home.
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I I'd gotten the chicken pox as well.
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This is something I didn't realize after I I'd left art.
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I had a few little blisters on my body.
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I'd never had chicken pox before I was 32 years old.
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So, so I went to a walk in clinic to be like, what are
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these things on my body? I'm an adult.
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And when I was leaving the walk in clinic, I was like, you know
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what, Mom, I can get home from here.
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The minute I said that, my brain was like, you're going to go to
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the LCBO, aren't you? And sure enough, I did.
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And I got the tequila because something about a nomadic
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lifestyle I always associated with drinking.
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I could go anywhere, show up anywhere, sleep wherever, so
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long as I had alcohol, I could do anything.
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I was very brave, I was very comfortable.
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I was very resourceful and outgoing and like, you know,
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until the until I drank for so, so much that I end up in the
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hospital. I can like maintain this kind of
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wild chaos. And so I was going to get that,
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you know, that tequila to keep in my backpack because that was
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my traveling companion. That was my like absolute best
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friend. It's got my back.
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It's going to make me feel better.
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It's going to make me be able to do this.
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And because I have all the skills at rehab, I'm sure it
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won't get out of control. But you know, very quickly ended
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up in the hospital, especially like because of the chicken pox
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there was sending me fevers and all that weird stuff on top of
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it. But but yeah, but it, it really
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just happened. And it's almost in like someone
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else's body or some sort of dreamlike state where I find
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myself leaving the rehab, having made all of these friends this
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this joy and excitement I felt for this new life I was ready to
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have. But I just did not understand
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the insidiousness. I did not understand the cunning
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part of the cunning path. Baffling and powerful.
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But it's like it's real clever and it's just it was still very
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much behind the wheel and I was still lying to myself.
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But yeah. Wow.
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Thanks so much for coming down, Chloe.
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I appreciate you. Thank you, Anthony, Thank you so
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much for having me. This is seriously like maybe the
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coolest recovery based thing that I've done since I got like
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really on the right path. Yeah, it's.
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Amazing. Yeah.
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You walked in here and you did like a fucking step brothers
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routine here. There's so much room for
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activities and you're dancing around and I just.
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I love you, man. You're awesome.
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Like, that was great. That was great.
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Step brothers, that means I have to hit the drums.
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Yeah. Fuck you.
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You don't say that dude. We just become best friends.
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John Bonham playing Moby Dick for real.
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Fucking love that movie. Oh, that's so good.
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I think when I laugh I better move my head back.
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I'm going to break the. I'm going to break the machine
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here. That would just be my luck.
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No, it's all good. Tell us a little bit about how
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you came into recovery and what you know, what that moment kind
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of looked like where you, you know, you, you had enough, you
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wanted to make a change and then how did you go about doing that?
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OK, so I'm trying to bring my brain back to right.
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So when I was in very active addiction, I went to this
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wedding. I was originally the maid of
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honor, but the bride had to tell me because she could see I was,
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I was not going to make any kind of change anytime soon.
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And I was not a reliable person anymore.
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So I was demoted to bridesmaid. But I had this wedding and I met
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this guy named Andrew. And he is not in the program,
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but he is one of those remarkable people who, despite
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not having any experience with addiction, just seems to have
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like an understanding of it and this like endless compassion.
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And so we did start to date and, and he's this, he's this
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wonderful guy. I believe very much so that my
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higher power made sure to put this person in my path because
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while this is not the way to stay sober, it did start as
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doing it for him because he was going to leave and I didn't want
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to lose him. Because even through my drunken
9:15
stupor, even though I was still hiding alcohol all throughout
9:18
his house, doing tons of cocaine without him knowing, I knew I
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really didn't want to lose this person.
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So that's how it started. And it started by just detox
9:26
centers because I would drink so much to the point of being like
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mad hysterical and angry and volatile and not kind.
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And so it started at detox centers and then I went to Cam H
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for a month and I came back again immediately the minute I
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got to that house, my parents house, which is where I now
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live, miraculously enough, but that house I went straight for
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the mouthwash because it was the only thing I could find.
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And and then it slowly just started to pick up.
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And this was his experience for like years, me making these
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promises, me making small changes.
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It seems to be working and then it's not.
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And then he finds the tequila again and he gets very upset and
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we try and we try, but but he was never demeaning or degrading
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or or violent. And so that was another reason
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why my brain was still aware. Like this is someone special and
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no matter what capacity you end up in, don't lose this human.
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But that's The thing is the reason it didn't stick for so
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long was because it was for him, because it was to get my mom off
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my back, because it was so I could prove to other people that
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I wasn't a total disaster. It had nothing to do with doing
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it for me because as I would come to understand, I came to
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the program, I came to even the beginning of the recovery
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journey with not low self esteem, but no self esteem.
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And I've been that way my entire life.
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Little did I know, but I'll talk.
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So it was like, you know, in and out of detox centers, treatment
10:44
centers. And the only difference I
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believe to all those moments where I meant it with all my
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heart when I'd say I'm never doing this again.
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I cannot live like this. Please, God help me stop.
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The only difference between those times and the time when I
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actually did finally stop was that there was number crying.
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There was number big dramatic emotion.
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It was just a sudden understanding of justice, how
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much my higher power had always seen all along and how it was,
11:11
how hard it was working for me. And so it was just like a
11:14
switch. I was like, I'd set up this
11:15
whole situation where I was staying in Caledon with a friend
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and her parents because I was no longer allowed at my house.
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And they have no booze there. They have cats.
11:24
It's in the middle of the woods. It's like you can get out of
11:26
yourself, get out of your life. And I would attend meetings on
11:28
Zoom. And I managed to keep up my
11:31
sobriety for months this way. And then the family goes on this
11:34
80 day cruise and they entrust me with their home and their
11:37
cats and I'm like, OK, I can do this.
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And the minute the door closed, it's that silence that falls and
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that brain that starts talking. And suddenly I need a drink to
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hang out with myself because I can't like be comfortable in my
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own skin. So suddenly I'm walking through
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the woods to this LCBO convenience.
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I buy all this vodka, I buy all this wine.
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I go back to the house. I just like, I start drinking, I
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start cooking. I'm thinking I can have this fun
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time in this place by myself. Just I'll just drink a little
12:02
bit, you know, I'll keep it under control.
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The same lie. Never, never, ever even hearing
12:06
how often I'd said it, but you know, only looking back now.
12:10
And of course, that didn't last very long because every time I
12:12
relapse, it's it's harder, faster, stronger every time.
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So I immediately end up in that state where I don't know what
12:19
time of day it is or even what day it is.
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I'm in a bed, I'm rolling over just to wake up, just to have
12:24
some more to drink than to finally go back to sleep.
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And eventually I wake up, there's no more booze left and
12:28
I'm starting to throw up and I'm going through withdrawal.
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And I know how dangerous withdrawal is because of how
12:33
many times I've been told in the hospitals at this point.
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So so I called their neighbor and I tell her it's 4:00 in the
12:38
morning. I'm sorry, you're going to have
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to take me to the hospital. So the first moment was there.
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Chloe actually wants to live. That's new.
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Because every time I was like hoping I just wouldn't wake up,
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right? So this is new.
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I'm going to do this thing where I like call this person and,
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and, and, and fuck all the shame, fuck all the
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embarrassment. I got to go to a hospital
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because I suddenly don't want to die.
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And she gets me there and she's in total shock because the
13:02
people who live in the house didn't tell the neighbor.
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By the way, she's an alcoholic and she relapses constantly.
13:07
So she's like, I don't know what's happening.
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And I was like, don't worry. This is what they're going to
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tell you. This is what I'm lying on the
13:12
floor of the waiting room too. She's like, are you all right?
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I'm like, I will be. I need you to listen very
13:16
carefully. It's going to be intravenous.
13:18
It's going to be this many hours.
13:19
It's going to be like, you know, And then like done.
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Like, what is this question on the form?
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I'm like, it's just referring to the like it's like.
13:24
C Click C Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like memorize you bitch,
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like Oh my God. And she's just like all shook up
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and stuff. So I stay, I, I get rehydrated
13:35
at that hospital. I get an Uber from this hospital
13:37
in Palgrave to get back to the house in Caledon and, and I'm
13:42
I'm meanwhile, meanwhile, I've reapplied to the sober living
13:46
house I was at before Caledon relapsed at that sober living
13:50
house was discharged, but I had reapplied, I'd done the
13:52
interview and everything and that had gone well.
13:55
So, so I get back to the house and I'm like, OK, deep breaths,
13:59
we feel better. What are we going to do next?
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I think I need a drink before I really make any more plans.
14:05
Like already it's starting again that I know the path through the
14:08
woods now to the LCBO convenience store.
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So I'll just do that again. It'll seem shorter this time
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because I've done it before and and I got a call and it's a
14:15
sober living house and they're like, we never do this.
14:16
But do you want to move in this Saturday instead of like the
14:19
following Tuesday? And I said no.
14:22
And that was it. That's like, that's that other
14:24
human that lives within. That's my addiction.
14:25
That's like, I'm having you all to myself, baby, you're not
14:28
going anywhere. And so I said no.
14:31
I'm really enjoying myself up here in Caledon, really finding
14:34
out some things and hanging out with the cats is like really
14:38
therapeutic for me and the boys and shit.
14:40
And they're like, hey, we don't need all that.
14:42
Just say no, we'll see you Tuesday.
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I'm like Tuesday, OK, 72 hours it takes for alcohol to leave my
14:47
system. I'm going to have to do a pee
14:48
test when I'm there. That means I have until to
14:49
drink, right? And I'm like, all right.
14:51
And then I get a call and it's my mom.
14:54
And she says, hi, honey. The neighbor called the family
14:59
in their cruise in Buenos Aires, told them what happened.
15:02
They love you, but you need to get the fuck out of their house.
15:06
They do not want you there anymore.
15:07
And I was like, Yep, fair call the sober living house back
15:10
immediately, Never mind. Saturday sounds great.
15:12
And that was the switch. That was when it all started
15:13
clicking because I was like, I kept that thought to myself.
15:16
I did not say out loud, no, I'll see you guys Tuesday.
15:19
No, for the convenience store. I was just like, I was like even
15:22
like just doing things so politely to almost pretend I
15:26
wasn't going to go do that thing.
15:28
And and then there it is. She's like you, you got to get
15:31
out. So I officially have nowhere to
15:33
live. So I call this over place and
15:35
I'm like yo, Saturday sounds great.
15:38
Yeah. I was like, I'm actually these
15:40
cats, I'm sick of them. The trees suck, I'm bored.
15:43
Let's go one of. Them peed on me.
15:44
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I started packing up my
15:47
stuff, and I call Andrew. And Andrew and I aren't dating
15:50
at this point in my story. He and I haven't been dating for
15:52
a while. But the miracle man that he is,
15:55
he's still in my life today. We're still the bestest of
15:58
friends. I'm going to see him tomorrow
16:00
because we work out together every Saturday with my trainer,
16:02
David. Yeah.
16:03
I love the people I have in my life today.
16:05
Like, Oh my goodness. But anyway, I call him because
16:08
he is a rock. And I'm like, listen, here's
16:10
what's happened. Here's what I need.
16:12
I need to be with you. I need to be at your apartment
16:15
until Saturday because I need to not drink.
16:18
I officially don't have 72 hours.
16:20
I'm too afraid. I'm too aware of the fact that I
16:22
have no control. That's when it all started
16:24
happening because I'd had that plan and I'd kept it to myself
16:27
and my higher power made sure that that scared neighbor would
16:30
make a long distance call to Buenos Aires, and Buenos Aires
16:33
would make a long distance call back to tell them she has to go.
16:36
If no one had done that, I absolutely would have relapsed
16:39
again in Caledon. I absolutely don't know if I'd
16:42
have survived it. I absolutely don't know what the
16:44
neighbor would have done if she'd been like, no, fuck you,
16:45
I'm not doing that again. That was insane.
16:47
Like, it's just what if? What if doesn't matter.
16:49
This is what happened. Yeah.
16:50
So I was like, I, like, literally looked up at the sky
16:52
like this, like, OK, I give up. I give up.
16:56
All right, you see everything. I fucking get this now.
16:58
Shit. So just start packing my stuff.
17:00
Andrew's like, you got it. I'm like, I love you.
17:02
Hang up, get a, get an Uber out of Caledon, go down to Andrew's
17:05
place. Of course I'm crying because now
17:07
he sees how hard I'm trying and that now I'm doing it for myself
17:11
and it's still not working and it's still this impossible
17:13
thing. But but at least he does, he
17:15
does see that I'm trying. And she's like, yeah, you can
17:18
stay. And then on top of that, I'm
17:19
like, also my brother is going to come and hang out with me
17:22
while you go to work. He's like, still don't trust
17:24
myself. How many times did I sneak out
17:25
of Andrew's very apartment to go to the LCBO?
17:28
I was like, no, like even if I feel like I really won't drink,
17:32
I don't care. I don't believe anything I
17:35
believe anymore. I am not in control of this
17:37
thing. So I was like, and Danny's going
17:39
to be with me all the time. Danny's my bro when you're at
17:41
work and he's like, sounds good. I'm like, OK, so I made it to
17:44
the sober living house. March 2nd, 2023 is the last day
17:47
I ever had a drink. And yeah, thank you.
17:51
Yeah, thank you. It is it is actually amazing.
17:54
We're we are miracles. Because when you think about the
17:56
impossibility it was before, it's amazing.
17:58
It's fucking incredible. So yeah, so that was the last
18:01
date that was at Caledon. That was the day I got back from
18:03
the hospital after having been rehydrated, packed my stuff, got
18:07
to Andrew's, got into the sober living place, graduated from
18:09
that sober living place, Ingall's house for women only.
18:11
It's awesome. To their second location, which
18:14
is the Delaware house, which is where you have fewer
18:16
restrictions, but still, of course, please no drugs or
18:18
alcohol on the premises, either in your body or on the shelf.
18:21
And and then from there, I started staying at my parents
18:25
house more and I started to be of maximum service to my dad who
18:30
is getting super old, losing his mind, my mom who is her own
18:34
creature and who has her struggles and my bro.
18:37
And it was like eventually I wasn't at the Delaware location
18:40
as often. My stuff was there, but I was
18:42
really happy in North York because that's where my home
18:45
groups always been. And now I don't have this
18:47
commute to my meetings. And isn't this kind of
18:49
miraculous that I'm actually enjoying being in this house and
18:51
I no longer feel like drinking? And now today, there's liquor
18:55
everywhere in the house. And when I open the fridge,
18:57
there's the stuff. But I don't have that desire
19:00
whatsoever. I'm like reaching for that
19:02
protein shake that's behind that beer.
19:03
I'm reaching for that water. I'm reaching for that pineapple
19:05
juice, whatever. Because that's what I actually
19:07
crave now these days is like, this water you brought me in,
19:09
It's like, oh, my God, I can't wait.
19:11
I can't fucking wait for the water.
19:12
But but yeah, I hope that that answered your question.
19:15
It didn't go on too. Long no.
19:16
It was amazing. That was really well said.
19:19
God bless. It's like it's so hard to ignore
19:23
when the universe, just higher powered universe just throws all
19:28
these things that line up perfectly in your life.
19:30
And I was getting goosebumps like as you were talking about
19:31
it, because there was, you know, you, you, you describe, I do
19:35
that all the time where I'm, I'm kind of like, I'm in this moment
19:38
and I'm just like, I just look up at the sky and I'm like, OK,
19:42
like either thank you very much, I, I love you and I'm crying,
19:44
'cause I'm grateful or, OK, I get it.
19:47
Like, fine, I'll listen. I'll submit, right?
19:50
I'll stop doing things my way for once, you know, And, and
19:53
that's really what it comes down to is like, is Chloe going to
19:57
keep continue on doing things her way at this point?
20:00
Or have I had enough where the fear of staying the same is
20:03
greater than the fear of change, right?
20:05
And that's all that was in that moment.
20:07
It's like you were so scared in my at least I don't want to
20:09
speak for you, but what I got from that was like you were so
20:11
scared to to keep living the way you were living because you
20:15
weren't sure if you were going to live really, right.
20:18
And so that the fear of, you know, change became a little bit
20:21
less right, a little bit less than.
20:23
Because making that first step, in my experience, coming back
20:26
from a relapse especially, is by far the hardest thing.
20:29
It's like anything, right? Starting at the gym, you know,
20:32
trying to lose weight, like it's, it's always that first
20:34
step that is the hardest one. Absolutely.
20:37
Because in our minds, we're sure that I would say this, but the
20:40
mountain to to get into recovery, to get back into rehab
20:43
is filled with like booby traps up a hill and it's always
20:46
raining, right? And it's like a fucking 90°, you
20:50
know, slope to get back and to do whatever it is.
20:53
And then you do it and you're like, huh, This is getting
20:55
easier, right? Like now I'm not thinking about
20:57
alcohol to your point anymore. There's alcohol all over the
20:59
place. It is a miracle.
21:01
It's a miracle that after someone, you know, our stories
21:05
are very similar. Mine was just more around
21:07
stimulants than alcohol, right? I, I was able to, like, the
21:10
thing with me was whenever I picked up alcohol, it was like,
21:12
what was next? What was next, What was next?
21:14
So I'm an alcoholic 100%, There's no doubt about it.
21:17
But I just, I gravitated more towards the stimulants.
21:20
And I, I think that's a part of your story too, right?
21:22
Like, yeah, so, but it's the same shit, right?
21:25
Same shit, different shovel. I heard someone in Utah say that
21:27
one time. I like that.
21:28
Gambling. That's such a Utah sounding
21:30
thing, yeah. Same shit.
21:32
Yeah, very RedState, very red. But like, yeah, it's, you know,
21:36
it's all the same. And it's a miracle that, yeah,
21:40
you can live in a place that you couldn't go one minute.
21:43
I really like what you said about I needed a drink to you
21:48
said it nicer than this, but I needed a drink to live with
21:50
myself, like to deal with me. And I can relate to that like
21:55
this squirrely, sort of what's, you know, do this, do that.
21:58
I know what it'll fix this. And that's why I do these videos
22:00
on Instagram now that I I actually really love making
22:03
because it's like it's me versus my addict brain, right?
22:07
And it's like I've literally created this character where
22:10
it's this guy and it's essentially the devil.
22:12
Whatever you wanna, you know, whatever analogy you want to
22:15
use. But that motherfucker is always
22:16
there, right? He's always there.
22:18
And so like at any point in my life, especially when things are
22:21
going well, but when things are going bad too, it's like, you
22:24
know, it's like that guy on my shoulder, that person that's
22:27
always there just like, hey, man, remember that one time when
22:29
you, you know, had that vodka soda at the bar?
22:33
And then in my brain, like the night just kind of ends there,
22:36
right? It's like I'm just sitting at a
22:37
bar enjoying a vodka soda and I'm just like leaving out the
22:41
fucking next six hours, six months, you know, six years of
22:45
my life that worked awful, right, that.
22:47
Was nice, yeah. Yeah, and it's just like gone.
22:49
It's like a Family Guy cutaway, you know, scene where and then
22:52
and that's it, right. But that's not my, that's not
22:54
reality. That's not my experience.
22:57
In our literature, it says that we would cease fighting anything
23:00
or anyone or something like that.
23:01
And I think that that includes what you're describing, 'cause I
23:04
totally. Yeah, the devil, the my alter
23:06
ego, whatever you wanna call her.
23:07
I don't wanna hate her and I don't wanna not acknowledge her.
23:11
She's a totally part of who I am.
23:13
And sometimes she gives me some things that are one of my better
23:16
qualities, almost like being really outgoing.
23:19
Serves you very well if you're trying to get alcohol, but it
23:21
also serves you very well if you're trying to get recovered.
23:23
So I don't want to dismiss her, but it's such a beautiful thing
23:27
to imagine no longer having a fighter.
23:29
Just like, hey, wanna hang out? You're not gonna hurt me.
23:32
I'm not gonna let you. But we can hang out.
23:35
We can get to know one another. And like, I forgive you, you
23:37
know? It's still.
23:37
Yeah. That that that person, that
23:39
entity, that whatever plays a role in your life, right?
23:43
But that's it. Doesn't have to run your life.
23:44
I don't have to hate him. Yeah.
23:46
It's like you're managing A-Team, right?
23:48
And then she's one part of it. He's one part of it, right?
23:51
And that's really well said. You know, something Andrew gave
23:53
me that just reminded me, he's like, because I've worked in the
23:57
service industry so much, he's like, OK, think of it like this,
23:59
Chloe. He's like, you have two
24:01
managers. You've night manager and you
24:02
have day manager. And every fucking day this day
24:06
manager shows up to see the place looking like this.
24:08
It's like everything's broken. Money's missing out of the cash.
24:11
Like people are sleeping on the board.
24:12
On the floor. Yeah, exactly.
24:15
The window's broken again and it's like so much inexplicable
24:18
shit and like, you're like, sorry.
24:20
And then the day manager has to clean it up.
24:22
And every day, the day manager is pleading with the night
24:25
manager. Can you please don't do this to
24:27
me anymore? Like I have other things I want
24:29
to get done, but every time I show up, there is such a mess to
24:31
clean. I can't do my own life.
24:33
I can't live past this mess that you make every night.
24:35
And the night manager's like, yeah, bro, I'm so sorry.
24:37
I got to clean up my ACT. But then when the day manager
24:40
leaves, yeah, no change. Then the night manager's back in
24:42
charge. So I just love that.
24:44
I love that idea. You said team.
24:45
I'm like got 2 managers in my head once like during the day,
24:48
the other one's like party. That's a great idea.
24:50
He can't. Fire either of them.
24:52
Poor the poor day guy, yeah, he just always has to deal with the
24:55
fucking night guys shit. Yeah, he's like, doesn't that
24:57
make you feel more guilty? I'm like, yes.
24:59
Yeah. Now we need to drink.
25:01
That's amazing. You mentioned you talked a
25:04
little bit about higher power. I think it's important to
25:06
acknowledge what does faith, spirituality, God, higher power,
25:11
what does that look like? What does it mean to you today
25:13
and how does it help you stay sober?
25:15
Wow, that's a good question. What does it look like?
25:18
An openness, I guess is the first thing that wants to come
25:21
out of my mind. I had a moment today.
25:24
I was thanking God for this, for my incredible day that I've
25:26
already had because I had two great phone calls back-to-back
25:30
and I was like, I started acknowledging the fact that my
25:33
higher power can probably sense. I'm still unsure if my higher
25:36
power trust me but it's love is unconditional so I'm getting
25:41
used to unconditional love by talking to my higher power.
25:46
I do actual direct prayers from this great 12 step prayer book
25:49
my sponsor gave me or like the prayers that we all know and
25:53
love from the meetings. Just even the repetition helps
25:55
me get out of my head. But I also just talked to like a
25:57
person, like just like someone who has known me my entire life
26:00
who gets it and and will forgive me if I like do a bit of a rant
26:05
and I'll even like preface it. I'll be like I'm a rant and then
26:08
I just let it all RIP and then I go, I'm sorry, I know it's
26:11
supposed to be representable or whatever.
26:12
I'm like going to like throw it all this sass, but it's still
26:15
going to love me. It's still going to be like
26:16
Chloe, That's so you fucking bitch, get your shit together.
26:19
Like it's like, but it's still going to love me.
26:21
It's still going to be there for me.
26:22
And I have to honor that because that's a beautiful thing.
26:25
And so faith looks like that looks like sometimes I even
26:28
literally just turn my hand so my palm is up.
26:31
If I'm walking or I'm sitting, I just turn my palm up just like
26:34
even one hand. And I will, I will believe, I
26:38
will half of the faith and then I will physically feel a hand
26:41
just sort of landing. And often times if I'm walking,
26:44
it'll really be like a, a warm breeze will suddenly hit me or
26:46
the it'll I'll walk into it and the sun will warm it or
26:49
something like that. But to me, it's like if I ever
26:51
have those moments where I'm feeling a little I'm grabbing
26:53
that will back because of fear of something, I'll just turn my
26:56
palm up. It's like right there.
27:00
Yeah. There's actually signs behind
27:01
that too, that when they say when you meditate with your
27:03
palms open and it allows energy to come in, right?
27:07
You're receiving energy. And you mentioned openness.
27:10
I love that, you know, it, it makes you, it forces you into a
27:12
state of mindfulness because you're, you're physically
27:16
noticing something that you're doing, right?
27:18
Yeah. Even sometimes I like, I'll,
27:20
I'll go like this and I'll just like rub my fingers together and
27:22
it's just like, OK, yeah, I'm here now.
27:24
Not tomorrow, not yesterday, because those days don't exist.
27:27
And I'm doing that thing again, right?
27:30
That's beautiful. Yeah, and, and, and terribly
27:34
comforting. And it's very vulnerable too,
27:36
right? It's like the palm is like your
27:38
underbelly. It's like when dogs, like, lie
27:40
on their backs and they like, do that, it means like I surrender.
27:42
And I think that's where we even got like the white flag thing
27:45
from, because wolves always have white bellies anyway.
27:47
That's hot topic. But yeah, but it's like, I'm
27:49
going to do this. I'm going to do this.
27:50
I'm going to trust that, you know, something bad's not going
27:53
to happen and it doesn't. And then there it is.
27:54
And so the more I do that, the more I begin to trust in
27:57
general, and then the faith gets stronger.
27:59
And so when I'm afraid I will turn the palm up, I will look
28:03
up. I will talk out loud.
28:05
Sometimes I just wrap my arms around myself.
28:07
I give myself a big old hug. And this gesture in particular
28:10
is important to me because before my drinking became the
28:15
center of my world, I would go through hardships and I would
28:19
hug myself and I would rock and I would sob and I would say,
28:22
you're going to be OK. We have been through something
28:24
like this before. We have fought with our mom
28:26
before and she has said things to bring us solo.
28:28
We have broken up with guys before and it has broken our
28:30
hearts and made us terribly sad. We have failed tests.
28:33
We have failed before. You're but you're here and
28:35
you're doing well now. And that pain has left, so you
28:38
know it's going to happen again. But when I started drinking and
28:41
when I started doing all the cocaine and all of the like,
28:45
Ritalin violence, like all that stuff, that shame started to
28:48
creep in, particularly when I, I brought it on stage because I
28:51
was a, a working actor for drugs and alcohol became the most
28:55
important thing in the world. So when I I would never forget
28:58
being on stage and delivering my monologue and I felt fucking
29:02
nothing. And it was devastating because
29:04
we were performing because the audience had voted for us to be
29:07
the play that gets that last spot at the venue in the Fringe
29:10
Festival. And just look over at my Co star
29:12
and I'm saying the words from the monologue, but all the
29:14
subtext is I'm so fucking sorry bro.
29:16
You totally know what's happening right now.
29:18
And this is a disaster. So that shame was so powerful
29:22
that I no longer could hug myself.
29:24
I just let myself cry. I was like, you fucking deserve
29:26
it. Sit in your shit, you stupid
29:27
bitch. Like, just the meanest of
29:29
languages. Yeah.
29:30
So if I would go to touch, it was like, it was the way I also
29:33
couldn't look in the mirror. You know, a lot of people talk
29:35
about that. It's, like, impossible to
29:37
acknowledge yourself when you dig yourself deeper and deeper
29:40
and deeper. So that gesture, now that I can
29:42
do it again, that's a really good one for me, too.
29:45
And that's that faith, that reminder that, like, you can get
29:48
it back. It is possible.
29:50
Life's going to Life's gonna kick your ass, yeah, but you're
29:53
gonna be OK, yeah. Yeah.
29:55
When you say get it back, you mean like get the faith back?
29:58
Or yeah, get the faith back, get the sense of self back, get the
30:01
get your happiness back. Yeah, this is temporary.
30:05
Yeah. Yeah.
30:05
This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
30:07
That's the one that's. One of my favorites, yeah.
30:09
I don't know if we met in Vancouver, and I'll quickly tell
30:15
that story because it's kind of funny, but I was sitting in a
30:17
podcast meeting that they were having, which was like kind of a
30:20
weird podcast, but I don't know. I tried to listen like the sound
30:23
effects. Yeah, They had all these weird
30:25
sound effects. As I was watching that, I was
30:27
like, should I start doing this in my podcast?
30:29
And then I was like, no, absolutely not.
30:30
God. I thought maybe you would.
30:31
Yeah, they had all those, like, cheesy radio sound effects.
30:35
That's right. I'm probably not going to do
30:36
that. Quick pause if this conversation
30:38
is hitting home for you and you're a parent or a loved one
30:41
of an addict wondering what's happening with your son,
30:44
daughter or loved one. There's a book I've been
30:47
recommending a lot lately. It's called What's Wrong With My
30:50
Teen and it doesn't sugarcoat anything.
30:53
Susan Raphael talks about mental health, addiction, and how to
30:57
actually connect with your kid again without shame or fear.
31:01
Worth checking out. Link is in the description,
31:06
right? But I'm sitting there, I'm
31:08
watching it and I see you walking down and you, you know,
31:10
the whole roads open and you're like, is the seat open?
31:12
And I'm like, yeah, no, you know, and I'm thinking I see
31:17
Toronto on your name badge. And I'm like, oh, she's sitting
31:19
over here because I'm from Toronto.
31:22
I'm like, we're in Toronto. And you had no idea I was from
31:24
Toronto. It was so funny.
31:25
We were talking for like 5 minutes and then you realized
31:28
that we were both there. But it's funny how like in a, in
31:31
a, you know, 5035 thousand people conference ever, mostly
31:37
from the United States, and then two Toronto people just kind of
31:39
sit beside each other. And then you were with a bunch
31:41
of other people who I, I love and I, I've known some of them
31:44
from before and it was amazing. And I'm really happy that you,
31:47
you know, I connected and you came down.
31:48
It was, it was a great experience.
31:49
I'm. So grateful too was that a pair
31:52
of that row because there was no one sitting on the end so I
31:55
wouldn't have to be like excuse. Me.
31:56
Oh yeah, I was. Like, oh, perfect, just.
31:58
Jet, Jet met out if you wanted to leave, Yeah.
32:00
What was the conference like for you?
32:02
Kind of a whirlwind. Totally exhausting.
32:04
Holy crap, I was tired in ways I didn't know I could be by the
32:06
end of that thing. But.
32:09
But yeah, but awesome. Another really good lesson for
32:11
me of my like perfectionist overachieving brain.
32:17
Oh, I didn't do it all. I'd make like a wish list on
32:19
that app they had for it of. Like what meetings?
32:21
Today, yeah, I'd make like 1% of what I had wished for, but that
32:25
that was OK because we were tired and.
32:28
There's like 1000 things, yeah. They're happening at the same
32:30
goddamn time. It's like, OK, I can't do it
32:33
all. Hard lesson for Chloe to learn
32:35
because she's so I'm so full of myself, but you can't do it all.
32:38
But that was part of the beauty of it was going, oh, everything
32:41
is a lesson and I always want to be learning.
32:43
Keep that mind open. Set aside prayer, like just like
32:45
always teach me what I still don't know.
32:48
And what I still don't know is how happy I will be not
32:50
achieving the things I think I have to achieve in order to be
32:53
happy. Lo and behold, and little thing
32:56
like, you know, all of the what would it have happened if I
32:58
hadn't? But but yeah, that conference
33:01
was phenomenal. First day I was like, OK, this
33:04
is a lot. And I remember thinking to
33:08
myself, because again, of course I'm going to think about
33:12
something that I'm not going to have to worry about for five
33:14
years. But I was like, I don't think
33:16
I'll go next time just because this is, like, so extreme.
33:20
But then by the end of the conference, that guy Scott's up
33:22
there and he's like talking to 35,000 people, but it's all
33:26
about me. He's talking to me.
33:28
He's like, I'll see you in Saint Louis.
33:29
I'm like, you will. You will Scott.
33:31
Yeah. People please urge.
33:33
Scott's going to notice if I don't go he'll be like what the
33:36
fuck? That bitch flaked.
33:38
Wow. Five years from now.
33:40
I love it. Oh, man.
33:42
We're. Yeah.
33:42
I mean, we're all the same. Like I was just thinking about
33:46
something from so far away that's so irrelevant.
33:49
I love it. Oh, that's amazing.
33:52
Oh man. So I definitely recommend 10 out
33:55
of 10 on Yelp or whatever for my, for in terms of experience.
33:58
Like that was a that was a tremendous time.
34:00
And the whole trip was really important to me because I was.
34:03
I got to see my sister who lives out there too.
34:05
Got to swim in the ocean. The ocean is something that is
34:08
very important to me. Yeah.
34:10
It's like it's. Pacific in Vancouver.
34:13
I don't know if I mentioned that, but yeah, that's amazing.
34:16
And, and, and, yeah, and my sister in Vancouver, she's the
34:20
one who has the husband who works in recovery.
34:22
So I knew I'd get to spend time with him.
34:24
I knew I'd get to go back to a city that I owe some amends to
34:27
because I did go there at one point when I was in slightly
34:30
more active addiction. Not as terrible as it would
34:32
someday become, but I was having an affair with my married acting
34:35
coach. And I can look at that girl and
34:37
I can be like, what were you? Come on.
34:39
But I don't have to do that to her.
34:41
She didn't know any better. She's just in her 20s and got
34:45
someone paid attention to her. And it was like everything at
34:48
the time. So I got to go and make amends
34:50
to Vancouver, to myself, see my sister.
34:52
And it was the first time I'd seen my sister since our sister
34:55
had passed last year in November.
34:56
So that's why that whole trip was totally, totally fucking
35:00
awesome. Yeah.
35:01
That's. Amazing.
35:03
Do you still do acting? Well, I was in that play last
35:07
year. I was in a play last year, I was
35:08
called 13 plays about ADHD all at the same time.
35:12
And we performed at the Assembly Theatre in October, and then we
35:14
got to do a remount at the Toronto Sketchfest in March, and
35:18
it was a total blast. That was a real higher power
35:20
moment. This director, Alec Toller,
35:22
total genius, just emailed me out of the blue saying I've
35:25
written this really weird play. It might be really bad, but
35:27
would you like to, like, be in it?
35:29
Because we'd worked together before.
35:30
And here I am thinking that everyone's noticed I've
35:32
disappeared. Everyone's wondering where Chloe
35:34
is. But no, he's like, no, I hadn't.
35:37
I just assumed you were still acting.
35:39
I was like, Oh my God, no. I've been like in a hell of my
35:41
own making. So kind.
35:42
For thinking about me and how I was like.
35:44
Are you sure? Like, it wasn't my response
35:46
because I was like, he must know what a terrible, untrustworthy
35:48
person I've become. But he did it, Al.
35:50
He's like, it was the same wacko, so come be in this weird
35:53
play. And I was like, OK.
35:54
But from there, I took some classes.
35:56
And, yeah. And The thing is, this is what I
35:58
can no longer deny when it comes to the acting thing for a while,
36:01
because as I said, I brought it on stage and I thought I've
36:04
sullied this. Now acting was my first
36:07
addiction, really like live performance.
36:09
But I, I'm, I'm not allowed nice things anymore.
36:13
You ruined it, you stupid girl. But but now I don't feel that
36:17
way. And I remember what a counselor
36:21
at Saint Joseph's Detox had said.
36:23
He and I got to talking because he'd been a stand up comedian
36:27
and in England. And then he he started drinking.
36:30
Drinking got out of control, especially in a comedy bar
36:33
situation. It's like, and I'm not, I'm not
36:36
referring to the comedy bar of Toronto.
36:37
I just mean a comedy place with a bar.
36:40
It's really hard to avoid drinking.
36:42
But it got out of control. His friends notice and he backed
36:44
down. And for the longest time he felt
36:46
way too ashamed to even approach those clubs anymore to even talk
36:49
to any of those people anymore. But one day he's feeling a bit
36:52
better. He's got a few more years under
36:53
his belt and he goes to see a show and his friends there and
36:56
he's like, dude, you don't have to drink to be here.
36:59
We just miss you. We love you.
37:01
He's like, it was like when you go to a meeting and they're just
37:03
happy to see you. He's like, just come here and
37:05
he's like, I won't drink with you.
37:06
Just you're funny. You got to get back to it.
37:08
And so he did. And now he does in Toronto, do
37:11
little stand up things in sketch shows.
37:13
And I told him about the acting dilemma.
37:15
And he's like, Chloe, I'm promising you, if you don't do
37:18
it, you're going to walk around with a hole in your heart.
37:21
You're going to feel that feeling.
37:22
And he's absolutely right. So the next step without
37:26
overwhelming myself is continue maybe dipping into some classes.
37:32
Otherwise, get that agent again, get back to auditioning just
37:36
like go and do my thing. Because I think in recovery, I
37:42
believe that when we've worked hard and we have a certain
37:46
amount of time or healing accomplished, I can say without
37:51
it being prideful, I am very good at what I do on that stage.
37:56
So I would really love to see what I can do now when I can
38:00
bring this lived experience to the table.
38:03
Because I am a little, I have a little bit more perspective on
38:06
what's actually scary and going into a room, just reading some
38:10
lines, probably poorly written, a script like that's not as
38:13
scary as it once was. And I've got that edge now.
38:17
I'm like Robert Downey Junior, basically.
38:18
Like, you know, you're gonna be best friends.
38:21
Like, Oh my God, I can't wait. You're.
38:22
Gonna be on 10 more podcasts after this.
38:24
And I was the first one, so I'm you're welcome.
38:27
And I feel grateful. Oh, man, yeah, I know I could.
38:30
I I didn't know that about you and I don't maybe you told me,
38:33
but I think I think you'd be really good at it.
38:35
And have you ever tried doing stand up?
38:37
Thought about doing stand. Up.
38:37
I actually have it, but I have been told many times that I
38:40
should. And I'm thinking like, yeah, why
38:42
not give that a go too? Yes, why not?
38:44
Especially if I could, I think I could manage to talk about, you
38:50
know, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be representing a a,
38:52
of course, and I wouldn't break anyone's anonymity.
38:55
But I think I could come up with some pretty funny rants about
38:58
what it's like to live with this brain and people would relate.
39:00
Absolutely. Maybe more people than I
39:02
realize. And for the other people in the
39:03
audience who don't get it and who think this is the weirdest
39:05
set I've ever seen, they're really not gonna bother me.
39:09
I feel bad for them. Yeah, I think you have a unique
39:11
experience. And I had a guy on here, Andrew
39:13
Barr, who as a comedian, and he's in recovery, too, and he
39:16
was great. Yeah.
39:17
He. He said that he was constantly
39:20
talking about addiction in, in, in his bits.
39:22
And then he kind of like tailored off a bit, right.
39:24
So you kind of grow and change with it.
39:27
But no, I think you'd be good at it.
39:28
Yeah. Thank.
39:29
You thank you very much. What what would you say is like
39:33
the most important thing in your recovery, right?
39:35
Like to to someone that you know can't stay sober keeps
39:40
relapsing. Like what?
39:43
What is the most important thing that keeps you sober today?
39:45
Service, service with my sponsees and prayer, like
39:48
anything I do to create that connection to my higher power.
39:51
Whatever moment I take when I realize, oh fuck, shit, I'm out
39:54
of it. I've fallen out of the the
39:55
connection and I gotta get it back.
39:57
That helps. So prayer, meditation, talking
40:00
aloud to it. The guy, the guy, the guy that's
40:03
like, I'm like a guy, the boss. Yeah, exactly.
40:07
Yes, very much so. Or I I do talk to my grandma and
40:11
my sister, not so much my dad, but that's another story.
40:13
But yeah, but but being of service, like first it started
40:17
with just making coffee, right? And then it was set up and then
40:21
I was elected secretary. Now I'm elected secretary for a
40:23
second year. Now I have three spawn CS.
40:25
It's like, make yourself accountable.
40:28
Give yourself reasons you got to show up and especially start
40:31
small. You know, maybe greeting is too
40:34
much for some people. If you want to just like stay in
40:35
the back and do the coffee, you can do that.
40:37
You can even just like chill in the kitchen while the meeting
40:39
goes on if it's all too much to you, but for you, but just make
40:42
sure that like you got to be somewhere and show up for
40:44
someone. And I found that this worked
40:47
exactly the same for my goals at the gym because yes, I could.
40:51
When I was at my sober living house, we had a pass for the
40:53
YMCA that we could just sign out.
40:55
But I knew that I'm starting to understand how little Chloe
40:59
knows about Chloe, so if in the past that's never worked, I'm
41:03
not going to start making those bullshit promises to myself
41:05
again. So I called my friend David, who
41:07
is the only personal trainer I like bother to show up for
41:10
occasionally when I was in active addiction because I liked
41:13
his personality. And I was like, are you still
41:15
doing that thing? And he's like, yeah, but it's
41:16
even better. I'm not a good life anymore.
41:17
You don't have to buy a membership to the gym I work at.
41:19
I'm like, so then it was, people are like, you're spending this
41:23
money to go and work out for an hour.
41:24
Why can't you just go to the gym?
41:25
It'll be free if you just go. I'm like, I can't just go.
41:28
That's the problem. If I have to throw a bit of
41:30
money at the issue, I'm going to be accountable.
41:32
There's another human who showed up to this place expecting me to
41:35
show up too. Otherwise, I've made their
41:37
entire trip pointless. So I'm, I've got to go.
41:39
I've got to be there for them. And now it's become like, you
41:42
know, it's about the social aspect as well.
41:45
At the gym. Yeah, yeah, just, but like, also
41:47
with a, it's like now it's like for the people, for the love I
41:50
have for this program, for the people in it.
41:52
Yeah, I'll show up for them. How do I ever repay something
41:55
that gave me everything you know?
41:57
Yeah, it's tough. I mean, you got to do it in
41:58
small moments, right? Yeah.
42:00
Give back. Like you said, there's something
42:02
that happens to in service where for one or two hours out of the
42:08
day, whatever, whatever the commitment is.
42:10
I'm not thinking about Anthony and I'm not thinking about what
42:13
Anthony did yesterday or what Anthony has to do tomorrow.
42:16
And there's this kind of beautiful presence, present
42:20
moment that I can live in, mindful moment where I'm just me
42:25
and myself and my higher power and enjoying life like as it
42:29
ought to be enjoyed, right? Yeah, yeah, that inner peace,
42:34
right. And I find too, there are little
42:37
moments in my life outside of a A where I am still can be of
42:42
service. And if I ever have that feeling
42:43
like moms like take out the trash or whatever, and I'm kind
42:46
of like I could do it later, I think, no, no, I'm being of
42:50
service to a woman who, despite whatever flaw she may possess, I
42:53
love with all my heart. She gave me my life, quite
42:55
literally. I'm going to get up out of this
42:58
circumstance. I'm going to go be of service to
43:00
someone else for like a second. And it's just all these little
43:03
things like that, will, that will probably have guaranteed my
43:06
sobriety for at least the next two hours.
43:09
And then, you know, I'll go to my meeting and then I'll
43:11
probably make it home at the end of the day and still be sober.
43:13
Yeah. I want to ask you something a
43:15
little bit more personal and feel free to not want to talk
43:18
about it or or whatever, but was there a moment in your recovery
43:22
where you may be almost relapsed or or were close to relapsing?
43:28
Yeah. Oh, for sure.
43:31
Yeah. What was it?
43:33
It was. It wasn't even that long ago.
43:35
I think it just felt like a lot of stuff happened at once.
43:39
There was an issue with my mom and then and then a lot of
43:44
negative self talk about like stupid, stupid.
43:46
Why did you do that? You knew she'd have that
43:48
reaction. But the things that she said
43:50
that particular day, I believe it was like literally like in
43:54
June. It was this recent.
43:55
I was trying to set a boundary. I had done everything right, You
43:59
know? I had taken the time to go up to
44:01
my room, scream into my pillow, beat the shit out of my pillow,
44:07
pray, meditate, think about my side of the street, think about
44:11
the language I've learned to talk about, you know,
44:13
approaching when you're asking for something, keep eye
44:16
statements, all that stuff. I brought my emotions down.
44:20
I went to her. And that's what made it more
44:21
frustrating, was that when you do everything right and it still
44:24
doesn't work, I have that belligerent, defiant fuck you, I
44:27
fucking knew it. Like, this is bullshit.
44:29
I give up. Never doing it again.
44:31
Exactly. I'm like a whole bliss.
44:32
I knew it. So like, that voice is still
44:33
there, but that's how it went. And I had to like, just keep my
44:36
composure. But that day in particular, she
44:39
said some things that were like word for word, things that she'd
44:44
say a lot when I was younger. And, you know, yeah, she is.
44:48
She's just selfish. And so it was hearing that
44:50
again, I I did not anticipate what flashback CPTSD kind of
44:57
stuff that would suddenly erupt in my body.
44:59
So suddenly my body didn't belong to me.
45:01
And that's when it was like, I didn't start walking to the LCBO
45:05
or anything like that. There's alcohol in the house.
45:07
Didn't go for that either. But I was, I was starting to
45:11
plan. I was starting to think what
45:13
would be the worst thing that would happen?
45:15
What if I told my sponsor first, this is what I'm going to do.
45:19
And I don't care what you say, it's happening, you know, like
45:22
what, how could I make it responsible so that I was in
45:24
like a planning stage and I was like, this is bad, man.
45:28
Like I haven't been negotiating with God to, to get this drink
45:34
that I want. And I was like, this is a bad,
45:36
this serious bad side. So it was instead call the
45:39
sponsor, tell her this is exactly what's going through my
45:40
brain. And I'm really scared right now
45:42
because I haven't felt this way in a while.
45:44
And I, I didn't end up getting to that relapse.
45:46
And I'm I'm so glad for the, the surrender I found at that
45:49
moment. And recently I found that I've
45:52
been really hard on myself for the fact that I'm completely
45:54
willing, yet still sometimes don't surrender.
45:57
Just because I'm willing doesn't mean I'm going to magically
45:59
always do it because I have two years and a handful of months.
46:04
And that's not that long really when you look at other people.
46:09
And the truth is, I don't think that quantity of time really
46:11
matters in this thing. I think it's the quality of your
46:13
sobriety, the dedication and the, the openness and
46:16
willingness to really give it all you got.
46:19
And so that's what I did and it and I made it through that, but
46:22
it's absolutely possible. I told my sponsees about it and
46:25
I think I'm so grateful that I had that moment.
46:28
I'm so grateful that and I know it's not all up to me.
46:30
It's really my higher power working, but it's like I I had
46:33
the sense to tell them the truth because old Chloe would have
46:35
been like, I can't tell them now they're going to think I'm a
46:37
fraud. But I was like, no, I'm going to
46:39
tell her. This is how close I just came
46:40
today and she said, wow, you Jesus.
46:44
That really puts this shit into perspective.
46:46
And I was like. Welcome to recovery.
46:49
Yeah, I. Was like, wow, I'm so glad I
46:51
told you. Yeah.
46:52
Well, it, it, you make a lot of good points there, but I think a
46:54
lot of people that are fresh in recovery that just come in and
46:58
have no experience with getting sober or trying to get sober.
47:01
They, we, I did it too. We tend to put people on
47:03
pedestals, right? These one year, 2 year,
47:06
three-year, five year, 10 year people, you're like, that guy's
47:08
like a God right now. How was he?
47:10
How did he do that? Right?
47:11
He's got a suit on, he's got his wife back, he's got a car,
47:14
right? And we put these people like
47:16
kind of above us and any good sponsor I've ever worked with
47:20
or, or good member of recovery has that humility in them where
47:25
most of them do actually where it's like, no, no, no man, you
47:28
know, you and I are just as close to that.
47:30
Drink the arm length away. We're just as close.
47:34
You know, we're the same. We're just, as you know, the
47:36
only difference is I'm a little bit, we're on a road, I'm a
47:38
little bit further. I have a couple more days down
47:41
the road than you, but the ditch is the same, man.
47:43
Like we're on the same width of the road, right?
47:46
The road is the same. The ditch is right there on
47:48
either side. All I have to do is just pick up
47:50
that one drink and I'm worse off than you, right?
47:52
So good Anthony, I love that bowling balls gutter ball
47:55
anyway. You'd never know.
47:57
There's no bumpers on them. You know, recovery, there's the
48:00
ditch is deep. You know, I've been in it many
48:03
times, right? But the beautiful thing is, is
48:05
that recovery gives me a ladder to kind of climb back out,
48:08
right? No one's going to come and pull
48:09
me out of the ditch when I fall in, but there's a ladder there
48:12
that I have to. You said there's a difference
48:14
between being ready and being willing to do something.
48:16
Like I can say I'm willing until the, you know, until I'm blue in
48:20
the face, but until I make that phone call, and that is one of I
48:24
always talk about on this podcast in, in, in, in life.
48:27
I would, I would say hands down for me, the most powerful tool
48:31
in recovery is picking up the friggin phone and calling
48:34
someone. And, and it doesn't even have to
48:36
be picking up the phone 'cause you could be in a underground
48:38
parking lot 1 day, right? And that's where the, the God
48:41
thing comes in is, is, it's, it's telling somebody what your
48:45
plan is or what, how you're gonna your design or your, your
48:49
idea, right? I, I, you know, I've always,
48:52
I've, I've had a mentor that used to say, like, if you have
48:55
an idea, call me. If you have a plan, I think go
48:59
to a meeting or something like that was always his thing,
49:02
right? It was like any idea that you
49:04
have, just fly it by somebody, right?
49:06
It doesn't have to be like your sponsor or somebody in recovery
49:10
even that's preferred, right? But there was a moment there
49:14
where your life could have gone in a very different direction.
49:17
You might have died. You don't know what would happen
49:19
here, right? But you.
49:20
Yeah, exactly. You learned a tool in recovery
49:24
that was tell somebody how like I said, your plan and I'm
49:30
exactly the same way that my phone is 1000 lbs sometimes
49:33
because, and it's almost always because of fear.
49:35
No, it is always because of fear, but it's usually the fear
49:38
of judgement, right? Like I'm doing really well and
49:40
they know I'm doing really well. How can I tell them that I'm,
49:43
I'm like, how can I get vulnerable and tell them that
49:46
I'm struggling? It's the hardest thing to do.
49:48
Will they be all concerned and shit like the next three weeks
49:50
calling me everyday? Like yeah exactly.
49:52
I don't want to show that weakness.
49:53
Weakness. That's a good one.
49:55
Too. Maybe I can.
49:55
Maybe I can just do this one on my own, but I don't.
49:58
Do yeah. And and then the great
50:00
juxtaposition of it, the the irony of it is that it's
50:03
actually the strongest thing you can do is reach out for help,
50:06
right. But we we tend to label it with
50:09
weakness because it shows vulnerability.
50:12
Yeah, and my perfectious thing I like that was what I was
50:15
thinking about was I'm so willing, yet sometimes I don't
50:18
always surrender. What's the deal with that?
50:19
Why aren't I there yet? I should be better at this by
50:22
now. All of this stuff that I would
50:23
never say or feel towards someone else in the program.
50:26
But self compassion is very difficult, right?
50:28
But but, yeah, but I'm like, I forgive myself for the fact that
50:32
I can't always surrender because that's good.
50:33
That's OK. It's just so long as I do the
50:35
right things about the moments when I'm really struggling to
50:38
surrender, I feel I want to take that will back.
50:40
And those reactions I'm so afraid of when I show that
50:43
weakness, like when I told my sponsee or I told my sponsor, I
50:46
never get the reactions my brain makes up for me.
50:48
My brain's just such a jerk. It like tortures me with
50:51
incredible scenarios that never end up actually happening.
50:53
Especially when you're an actor. Yeah, Oh my God.
50:56
Yeah, all these scenes play out in your head.
50:57
Oh, 100%. I've seen every movie, like up
50:59
here. But.
51:01
But yeah, really quickly. What you were saying.
51:03
I love so much about tell someone your plan because, yeah,
51:06
it's like, OK, so I thought I was smarter than my disease.
51:09
I was not. But I can outsmart my disease by
51:12
telling someone the truth. Bam.
51:15
Took away your biggest tool, didn't I?
51:17
Their addiction. No more lies, no more
51:19
dishonesty. Everybody's in on it.
51:21
Oh, what's that? It's not so fun anymore.
51:23
Well, suck my Dick. You don't win today, bitch.
51:25
Like, I got it. I told my sponsor our plan now
51:29
you can't hide like my Dick is like, God damn it, love it.
51:32
We were going to have so much fun together.
51:34
I was like, you know that's not true.
51:36
I. Love it, I got to have you in on
51:38
my videos. You have a great idea do.
51:40
You remember Brooklyn 99? Yeah, I do.
51:42
When the Sergeant, when he Terry Crews, he starts eating too much
51:45
and he gets fat. And then Charles starts to help
51:47
him by giving him cacao nibs, but then he eats too many of
51:50
those. But then he's trying to pretend
51:52
that he's not addicted to them. And so he's making this big
51:55
speech in the office. He's like, I took a look at them
51:57
and I said not today nibs. Sometimes I literally quote that
52:03
out loud when I feel my addiction creeping up.
52:05
I'm like, not today nibs. And then I make myself laugh,
52:08
brush it off, tell someone my crazy story.
52:11
I love it. And in fact.
52:12
Yeah, I had a counselor in my last treatment center that used
52:15
to say you got to blow up your spot, and that's exactly what
52:17
you said. It's like, yeah, I'll let you
52:19
have that one. Yeah.
52:20
Oh, thank you, Thank you. Yeah, courtesy of Dave, Dave R
52:23
But I love that, you know, it's, that's every time I've relapsed,
52:27
it was because I had A and the secret starts as a little
52:32
kindling fire in the back, you know, here, it's behind the
52:35
shed, so no one really sees it. And then every minute, day,
52:39
second, whatever went by, I didn't tell anybody about the
52:42
little fire back there. I just threw more gas on it,
52:45
Right. And then eventually I'm smoking
52:46
meth in an Airbnb with people that I don't know, and some guy
52:50
had it, so it seemed like a good idea.
52:52
And I'm back in treatment for the third time, you know, but I
52:55
don't, my brain doesn't go there, right?
52:56
My brain just looks that. Yeah, but like, think about the
52:59
dopamine hit that will come of this, right?
53:02
Yeah. Or think about, you know, all
53:04
the feelings that'll go away right in this moment.
53:08
Amazing. Let's close with this.
53:10
OK. And I always close with this.
53:13
And I know I always say that, so I'm sorry.
53:14
But if you could say something to someone struggling right now
53:22
with addiction, with mental health, you know, just come off
53:26
a fresh relapse, what would you say?
53:30
OK, I'm going to steal from the speaker we had at Willowdale
53:32
Shepherd last night because he said to the newcomer what he was
53:35
told the first time he ended up at a meeting.
53:38
So like, if you're struggling, you know, go to a meeting and
53:44
then once you're there, you are in the right place and
53:47
everything's going to be OK. Simple.
53:51
Yeah, you're in the right place and everything's going to be OK.
53:54
I love it. And, and for those that, you
53:57
know, hate 12 step meetings, it's OK, right?
54:00
But there's, there's SMART Recovery, there's tons of other
54:04
meetings, absolutely tons of other recovery groups.
54:07
I love, I love that because it's like we can over complicate it,
54:12
right? So much.
54:12
And it's like just show up to a place where other people have
54:15
your best interests in mind. They're sober, preferably sober
54:18
and working on themselves, and the rest will kind of work
54:21
itself out, right? But you got to show up.
54:23
Even if you're you're not at a meeting yet, you're home, you're
54:26
isolating, feel lonely. If you if you fall to get get on
54:30
your knees, put your hands up, out, palms up, right.
54:34
You're in the right place. Even in that state, you're in
54:36
the right place and everything's going to be OK.
54:38
Yeah, yeah. It will, as long as I don't pick
54:41
up today too, right? Yeah, and all One day at a time.
54:46
Future is unknowable and we don't have to worry about it
54:49
because of that. So just just today, just in this
54:53
moment, even because you can only be with God if you are in
54:56
the moment. God doesn't exist tomorrow or
54:58
yesterday. He's here right now.
55:00
That's it. And I choose to call my higher
55:03
power God. But I I just want to clarify
55:04
that it's not a religious God. Yeah, I always say it's a 3
55:08
letter word. That's easier, right?
55:10
Great outdoors, group of drunks, good orderly direction.
55:15
I love it. Thanks so much for coming down,
55:17
Chloe. Thank.
55:17
You so much for having it's. Amazing.
55:19
Yeah, I feel energized right now.
55:21
It's not because of the Red Bull.
55:22
I mean, it's a little bit because of that, a little bit
55:24
because you got a great energy and I think you can continue to
55:28
help a lot of people. I'd like to, yeah.
55:31
If I can combine my passion for performance and addiction, I'll
55:36
have it. Made in the shade, baby.
55:37
Like that would be the dream. Yeah, awesome.
55:41
Thank you. Thank you, Anthony.
55:42
Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel
55:45
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55:48
The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for
55:51
informational and motivational purposes only.
55:54
This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice,
55:57
addiction treatment, or therapy. If you or someone you know is
56:00
struggling with addiction, please consult A licensed
56:03
physician, addiction specialist, or mental health health
56:06
professional. You are no longer alone.