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The Marriage Miracle That Takes Time · Pastor John Piper's answers

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  Speaker 1: There is a silent ache inside thousands of Christian marriages.
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  Speaker 1: And I've come to see the extent of this silent sadness.
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  Speaker 1: Because of how many times over the years I've read
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  Speaker 1: your stories, you send them to us in the APJ inbox.
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  Speaker 1: It's the silent pain of being married to a spouse
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  Speaker 1: who does not enjoy God. Not to the degree that
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  Speaker 1: you experience joy in God. Some of you married spouses
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  Speaker 1: who now seem to be completely numb to spiritual joy.
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  Speaker 1: It causes a quiet pain that's hard to talk about.
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  Speaker 1: It can go unnoticed by almost everyone else, but you
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  Speaker 1: see it. So how do you endure this quiet pain
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  Speaker 1: in your marriage? And how do you love a spiritually
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  Speaker 1: affectionless spouse and love them over the long haul, patiently,
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  Speaker 1: without growing resentful to them? Today on Ask Pastor John,
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  Speaker 1: the marriage miracle that takes time. And the latest version
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  Speaker 1: of the question comes to us from Mike. He's 38.
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  Speaker 1: and married, Pastor John, after reading your book, Brothers, We
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  Speaker 1: Are Not Professionals, and finishing a couple chapters in Desiring God,
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  Speaker 1: the book. I find myself with more practical questions than
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  Speaker 1: when I started. The books have searched something very good
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  Speaker 1: in my own heart, but it has also led me
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  Speaker 1: to discover that my wife, who also professes faith in Christ,
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  Speaker 1: does not experience God like I do. She has a
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  Speaker 1: faith that seems more driven by duty than by delight
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  Speaker 1: and joy. She's not deeply moved by God's sovereignty in
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  Speaker 1: the way that I am. As her husband, what am
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  Speaker 1: I called to do? How do I love her without
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  Speaker 1: judging her and without trying to produce feelings inside of
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  Speaker 1: her that only the Holy Spirit could possibly give her?
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  Speaker 2: My marriage of 57 years with Noel is solid and
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  Speaker 2: mutually faithful and deeply content and richly rewarding. and centered
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  Speaker 2: on Christ and his word, which we read every night together. Now,
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  Speaker 2: the reason I mentioned that is simply because I don't
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  Speaker 2: want Mike or anyone else to consider my sober, modest
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  Speaker 2: expectations for marriage that I'm going to talk about to
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  Speaker 2: be seen as a lament or a criticism of my own.
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  Speaker 2: I wouldn't trade Noel for the world. I would do
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  Speaker 2: it all over again. If I could start back in
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  Speaker 2: 1966 and choose another woman, I would choose Noelle. But
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  Speaker 2: I think it is so crucial that single and married
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  Speaker 2: people have a sense that in this fallen, sinful, damaged, disordered, afflicted, beleaguered,
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  Speaker 2: partially redeemed world, the expectations for marriage should be modest,
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  Speaker 2: as the vows say. for better or for worse, for
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  Speaker 2: richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. Marriage
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  Speaker 2: is a home of ecstasy and agony, peaceful and embattled,
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  Speaker 2: growing in understanding and often utterly baffled, a place of
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  Speaker 2: fulfilled dreams and heart-wrenching disappointments. sweetest satisfactions and exasperating frustrations.
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  Speaker 2: A bond where you can weep at being apart and
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  Speaker 2: dread being together. No one makes you happier. No one
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  Speaker 2: makes you more angry. Wonderful seasons that last for years
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  Speaker 2: that make you say, Piper sure got that wrong. And
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  Speaker 2: then comes a season when you say, He didn't know
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  Speaker 2: the half of it. So Mike has discovered, well, he's
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  Speaker 2: 38 years old. Maybe he's been married 15 years. Maybe not.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe one year. I don't know when he got married.
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  Speaker 2: But he's 38, and he has discovered that he's married
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  Speaker 2: to a woman who doesn't respond emotionally to Christ and
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  Speaker 2: to the glories of Christian reality the way it seems
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  Speaker 2: she should. And my guess is... That describes 80% of
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  Speaker 2: the Christian marriages in the world. One spouse responds outwardly
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  Speaker 2: with more or less feeling to precious spiritual reality and
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  Speaker 2: is emotionally expressive. And the other one, the other spouse,
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  Speaker 2: man or woman, is not that way. And you wonder,
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  Speaker 2: what's going on inside? Hello? Is anybody home? And you
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  Speaker 2: can't tell. You can't tell what's in there. So what
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  Speaker 2: should he do? And a few million others, spouses, men
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  Speaker 2: or women like him, what should they do? And here's
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  Speaker 2: my bullet list of suggestions. And I'll just tick them off.
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  Speaker 2: We can write a book about each one. So just
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  Speaker 2: pause and pray and think, test all things. Number one,
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  Speaker 2: fight for your own joy, Mike. your own joy in
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  Speaker 2: Jesus relentlessly. You want her to join you in your joy,
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  Speaker 2: not the other way around. And you dare not say,
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  Speaker 2: don't ever say, okay, you want to be glum? I
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  Speaker 2: can be glum. See what it feels like. Don't do that.
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  Speaker 2: It's totally un-Christ-like. It's deadly. Fight for your joy. Number two,
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  Speaker 2: Be as warmly, cheerful as you can be, even when
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  Speaker 2: there's no emotional responsiveness from her. You'll think it's like
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  Speaker 2: playing tennis when the ball never comes back. Never mind.
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  Speaker 2: You're not God. Just keep knocking happy, expressive balls over
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  Speaker 2: the net, no matter what. Emotional freedom is caught more
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  Speaker 2: than taught.
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  Speaker 1: Three.
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  Speaker 2: Do not be crushed or ruined by failed expectations. Adjust
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  Speaker 2: your expectations. You thought you would be married to one thing.
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  Speaker 2: In fact, you're married to another thing. Adjust your expectations. Otherwise,
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  Speaker 2: you will be your own enemy for decades, making you
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  Speaker 2: both miserable with endless efforts to fix what you cannot fix.
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  Speaker 2: but may in fact someday come to cherish. Four, take
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  Speaker 2: note of every evidence of God's grace in her life.
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  Speaker 2: They are there. Take note of them and speak of
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  Speaker 2: them admiringly and thankfully, humbly. If you don't cultivate this
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  Speaker 2: in a natural way, not a manipulative way, there will
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  Speaker 2: settle over her a sense of hopelessness that she can
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  Speaker 2: never please you. Five, in the warmest and most tender times,
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  Speaker 2: ask her about her feelings. What was it like growing
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  Speaker 2: up in your house? How did your parents express their feelings?
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  Speaker 2: Were any feelings dominant in your home? How did that
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  Speaker 2: make you feel? What are your most common feelings? Which
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  Speaker 2: are the easiest to feel? Is there anything I can
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  Speaker 2: do to add to your happiness? And you don't ask
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  Speaker 2: these questions when things are bad. And you don't ask
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  Speaker 2: them like an attorney. You really want to know her.
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  Speaker 2: And she wants to be safely known. Number six, acknowledge
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  Speaker 2: that for all the years you've been together, You do
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  Speaker 2: not and cannot know the depths of her heart. The
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  Speaker 2: human heart is a mystery, a bottomless mystery. You cannot
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  Speaker 2: know it. Only God can search the depths. So have
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  Speaker 2: a realistic and limited sense of your knowledge of her
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  Speaker 2: spiritual state. She is a wonder, a daughter of the
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  Speaker 2: creator of the universe, unfathomable and flawed, a fellow heir
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  Speaker 2: of the grace of eternal life like you. Number seven,
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  Speaker 2: keep in mind the brevity of this life and how
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  Speaker 2: everything in it is a glorious and pitiful foretaste of
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  Speaker 2: the age to come. Here's Paul's way of saying this
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  Speaker 2: in 1 Corinthians 7, 29 to 30. The appointed time
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  Speaker 2: has grown very short and From now on, let those
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  Speaker 2: who have wives live as though they had none, and
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  Speaker 2: those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and
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  Speaker 2: those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing. Which
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  Speaker 2: I take to mean, yes, be faithful to her. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: there are things to mourn about. Yes, there are things
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  Speaker 2: to rejoice about. But that marriage and that sadness and
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  Speaker 2: that joy are all brief things. and temporary, and leading
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  Speaker 2: to something immeasurably greater. Be faithful now in these small things,
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  Speaker 2: and then you will be ready and inherit great and
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  Speaker 2: never-ending things. Eight, never stop reading the Bible and praying together.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes feelings will be sweet. Sometimes they will feel very flat.
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  Speaker 2: Tend your marital devotional life like a garden. If you
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  Speaker 2: keep the weeds pulled and you water faithfully and you
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  Speaker 2: plant good seeds, you may be surprised. at what God
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  Speaker 2: makes grow in due time. Nine, be patient and hopeful
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  Speaker 2: for 50 years. And you may discover that in your
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  Speaker 2: last decade, you enter a season that you never could
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  Speaker 2: have dreamed. So those are my suggestions for Mike. And
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  Speaker 2: of course, There probably should be 10, nine, I suppose
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  Speaker 2: I could say nine marks of the good man. No, no, no, no.
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  Speaker 2: There should be 10. And so maybe I should close
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  Speaker 2: by saying number 10, Mike, is cover them all with
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  Speaker 2: prayer and don't grow weary in it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Enduring prayer is a good note to end on here,
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  Speaker 1: Pastor John. Thank you. Marriage is a home of ecstasy
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  Speaker 1: and agony. peaceful and embattled, growing in understanding and often
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  Speaker 1: utterly baffled, a place of fulfilled dreams and heart-wrenching disappointments,
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  Speaker 1: sweetest satisfactions and exasperating frustrations, a bond where you can
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  Speaker 1: weep at being apart and dread being together. Wow. And
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  Speaker 1: it's a place where we have modest expectations for change,
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  Speaker 1: but we hope in God's timing. We have patience in
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  Speaker 1: our love. not waiting on our spouse's faithfulness before we
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  Speaker 1: are faithful, not trying to fix the other, but gratitude
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  Speaker 1: for them as we cultivate our own affections for God
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  Speaker 1: over the years and over the decades. Thank you, Pastor John.
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  Speaker 1: Bitterness here is huge. When Pastor John says, okay, you
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  Speaker 1: want to be glum? I can be glum. See what
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  Speaker 1: it feels like? Don't do that. It's totally unchristian. It's deadly.
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  Speaker 1: It's deadly. It's deadly. That warning comes from his own
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  Speaker 1: experience dealing with pouting, sulking, and self-pity in his own heart.
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  Speaker 1: Self-pity is the destroyer of homes. You can see the
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  Speaker 1: Ask Pastor John book on pages 127 and 128 to
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  Speaker 1: hear his own story, to see how he came to
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  Speaker 1: see just how destructive self-pity is in the home. We
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  Speaker 1: are moving our way through 1 Peter in the second
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  Speaker 1: half this month. It's a gritty book. It's a practical book.
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  Speaker 1: It answers a lot of key questions about the darkest
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  Speaker 1: challenges of the Christian life. And Peter says, if you
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  Speaker 1: do good, if you do good, no one will harm you.
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  Speaker 1: And then a few verses later, he says the opposite.
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  Speaker 1: He says, you will be harmed for doing good. So
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  Speaker 1: which is it? Do good people get hurt? That's next.
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  Speaker 1: I'm Tony Reinke. We'll see you back here on Monday.