Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Beyoncé Is My Spirit Animal | 🚨New Podcast, click the link in description to listen

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Beyoncé Is My Spirit Animal | 🚨New Podcast, click the link in description to listen · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, I got these dreads though, too.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_04: Y'all like my dreads?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_04: I love my dreads.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_04: I love them.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_04: I like my dreads, but you you know you do get stereotyped.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_04: That that does happen.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_04: Especially here in Austin.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_04: What happens here in Austin is that people see me and they just assume because I have dreads that I vote Democrat.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_04: And I don't.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_04: And it just gets really frustrating because people are like, oh, did you vote for Biden?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_04: And I'm just like, you know goddamn well I didn't vote.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_04: Okay?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_04: So stop asking.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_04: I'm busy on Tuesdays, okay?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_04: That's my day off.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not gonna wait in line at the library, nigga.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_04: I don't read either.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_04: Why would I do that?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_06: So I've been getting ready for the war.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_06: Oh no, that's because the shit's happening, okay?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_06: I've been getting ready for real.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_06: I went to the army surplus store.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_06: I was in that bitch with a checklist.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_06: You feel me?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_06: I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, where them water canteens in.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_06: I'ma need that.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_06: I'ma need that.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_06: Or that compass in, I got a compass.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_06: Y'all laughing.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_06: Y'all ain't got no motherfucking compass.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_06: Like, y'all nobody got no compass.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_06: Who got a compass?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_06: I heard last show, somebody was like, I got one on my phone, bitch.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_06: The world is ending.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_06: Your phone don't work.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_06: You are not ready for the apocalypse.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_06: I know y'all ain't ready, because last time the shit went down, y'all went about toilet paper.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_06: Y'all ain't ready.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_06: Because if they said run north right now, y'all wouldn't know where the fuck to go, okay?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_06: I got a compass in my back pocket.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_06: I'm running north.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_06: And don't try and follow me because I'm a zigzag.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_06: I'm a zigzag.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_06: Y'all ain't catching me.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_06: Y'all ain't catching me.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I had that same doctor from when I was six, up until I was 18, which is a long time to have one doctor.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: So when I left, I thought it'd be nice to leave him a review on his website.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Who knows him better than I do, you know?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, this man was my doctor for the last 12 years.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I am still diabetic.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: One star.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: I left a one star because of the nurses he had working for him.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: They used to try to lift you up, but I didn't like it.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Because they'll say things like, you know, in time, you could actually find that diabetes could be somewhat of a blessing in disguise.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: I think I'd rather have just a regular blessing.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: The disguise part is really messing with my blood sugar.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: You're a horrible nurse.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: But I took her advice.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Years down the line, though, I was at a bar, some of my friends started a little fight, and this dude pushed me.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: So in my head, I was like, diabetes.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to fight him, so I said, Hey man, you don't want to do this.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm diabetic.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: And this is one of those little things that sucks about living in America.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, me too, and then punched me in my face.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: I've never cared about like a weight problem or a diabetes problem in this country, but when that happened, I was like, this is out of control, man, it's diabetes.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: I saw it as like, come on, man, we gotta stick together, but he saw it as like, nah, two types walked in, one type's walking out.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Walking around my neighborhood the other day, made eye contact with this lady.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: She was an older white lady.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody's fault, just the situation.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Just the situation I came across.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I was I was mature about it.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I seen this on TV.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: I know how to act, right?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: I smiled, gestured to say, like, what up?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but in return, this lady grabbed her purse.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was insulted.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: I asked, I was like, Miss, why'd you grab your purse?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm black.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: She got fake offended.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, No, no, no, no, I love black people.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Beyonce is my spirit animal.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: She was like, if anything, I hate gingers.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I get that, that makes sense, right?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: But then I thought about it, right?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: You rearranged the letters in ginger.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: She spells nigga.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I stole her purse anyway, right?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, lessons gotta get learned, just doing my part.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like she was very convinced that she almost had me.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, uh, oh, give me your purse.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: That was good.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_11: So I got a dog, that's what I did.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_11: I got a dog, I got a girl dog.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_11: I rescued her, and uh technically I paid for, but her name was Tina, and I saved her from that.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_11: So she's mine now.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_11: I named her Miley because my name's Hannah.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_11: So she's the other side of me.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_11: Uh that's correct.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_11: She really is the drunk version of me.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_11: You know, she pees everywhere, puts everything in her mouth.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_11: And I don't drink anymore, so I don't get mad about it.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_11: I get nostalgic.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_11: Like even at the dog park last week, I felt like I was watching myself in my early 20s because she was hopelessly chasing this golden retriever while a pug ate her ass the entire time.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_11: And she just let it happen, rolled over, actually, and just let him have it.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_08: It's weird dating nowadays.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_08: I went out with an anti-vaxxer.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_08: You know, and she was one of them like real hotep anti-vaxxers where she feels like lemon drops and sea moss will save her from COVID.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_08: You know what I'm saying?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_08: It was wild.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_08: She had a good personality and everything, but a couple days later she called me.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_08: She sounded like freaking Louis Armstrong, y'all.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_08: She was like, Max! Zatarant.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_08: Amen.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_08: I can't go out with you tonight.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_08: I'm not feeling too well.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_08: I said, What's wrong?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_08: She said, I lost my taste and my smell.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_08: I said, Well, shit, you might as well lose your eyesight because you ain't gonna see me no more.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_08: Fuck that shit.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_08: CDC say you can't see me.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_08: You know what I'm saying?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_08: And I even suggested to her.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_08: I suggested to her that she should take a PCR test.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_08: She said, mm, I ain't gonna claim it.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_08: I ain't gonna claim COVID.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_08: I said, you ain't got to.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_08: It's already claiming your ass.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_16: I am a 35, millennial, and recently single, which is, man, it is rough being 35 and single, because the advice doesn't work for me.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_16: Okay, advice in your 20s, it's cute.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_16: Gen Z is such cute advice.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_16: Right?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_16: So it's just like, if it's not a hell yeah, then it's a hen.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_16: I can't do that.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_16: Right?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_16: I'm thirty-five.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_16: It's like for me, if it's not a then it's a okay, whatever.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_16: He has a car, he hasn't said anything racist yet, so I guess we're married now.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_16: Also, this is my favorite advice.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_16: This is my favorite advice that Gen Z loves to give out.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_16: It's adorable.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_16: They're just like, don't saddle, okay?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_16: Quinn?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_16: Quinn?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_16: Sly, slice, slice.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_16: Don't saddle, okay?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_16: Why would you go for a crumb so you can have the whole K because I'm fucking hungry now, alright?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_16: I'm sorry.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_16: Have you seen 35-year-old unmarried cake?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_16: It's fucking creepy, okay?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_16: Also, now that I'm in my 30s, half the cakes can't even rise when you put them in the oven because they have too much on their minds.
• 8:08
  unknown: Oh.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_16: A lot of anxious cake out there, okay?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_05: Plus, sometimes I question the whole, like, only white people get this and only black people get that.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_05: I feel like that comes from sources of information written back when it was okay to be racist.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_05: Right?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_05: It's the same way black people still say white people can't dance, even though there's been tons of movies that prove otherwise.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_05: Like step up, step up two, step up 3D, step up revolution, step up all in.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_05: And Greece, nigga, I don't know.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_03: I want to support stricter gun control, I do, but I also love rap music, so it's hard for me.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_03: Have you heard how they rap about guns in London where they don't have guns?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_03: Have you heard that?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_03: Birding ding ding ding ding.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_03: Bitty pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: But a ting ting ting ting ting and a ting goes boom.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_03: That's not that's not a gun, Niles.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: That's not ding ding, that's a landline.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_03: Why do you have a landline?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_03: It's 2022, go to sprint, man.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_03: It's not that difficult.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: I also want to support the Second Amendment, but the Second Amendment was written in the late 1700s.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_03: Do you guys know what was legal back then besides everything?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: Cocaine.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_03: Doesn't the entire Bill of Rights sound like cocaine was legal?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_03: The entire Bill of Rights is like, I can just say whatever the fuck I want.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_03: Write it down, Johnson.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_03: Guns, everybody gets guns.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_03: This is my shit.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: You can't search my shit.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_07: I like to say two things when I get started.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_07: First things first, I'm transgender.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_07: That's right, and if you can't tell them the pills are working and I'm getting my money's worth, you understand?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_07: This shit ain't cheap.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_07: Second thing, no, I don't like the word tranny.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_07: No, I don't like the word tranny.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_07: You see, it's a porn term.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_07: White friends, you wouldn't introduce your black friend Keisha as your ebony friend Keisha, would you?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_07: That's right, you be telling on yourself and shit.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_07: No, I don't like the word tranny.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_07: You see, I much prefer builder bitch, I'm a builder bitch.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_07: Because I get to put my parts together, you know what I mean?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_07: Every time I say I'm transgender, it never fails on stage.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_07: I feel my crotch get hot.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_07: People get to staring at my crotch area trying to see if they can find a print.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_07: But I'm houdini with the dick.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_07: You're not gonna find a dick, you understand?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_07: My guy friends always asking me dumb questions.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_07: Say, Fox, how do you tuck it?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_07: I give them a dumb answer because I hate that question.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_07: I say, easy.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_07: What I do is I tie this motherfucker to a brick, I throw it through my legs real hard, let it come over my shoulder and click it like a seatbelt.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_12: Tough being single.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_12: Um, it feels like the guys that I'm trying to see, you know, they're not really trying to really get to know who I am, right?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_12: They don't really want to get to know the real me.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_12: I hooked up with this one guy uh and he texted me afterwards.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_12: He said, You're the kinkiest girl I've ever been with.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_12: And I said, I know this text was not meant for me.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_12: And I knew that because at the time I had my arm in the sink and I was soaking off a band-aid, okay?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_12: Because I was too afraid to take it off because of the pain.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_12: So that just wasn't true.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_12: That just wasn't true.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_12: I've been trying to mix things up, been trying to change up my luck, you know, see if I can get some.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_12: And I uh I asked a guy out recently and I realized I sound a little needy.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_12: I sound a little desperate in a way I'm not super thrilled about.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_12: I sound like a white woman with a pyramid scheme.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_12: Um sat the guy down, said, Hey Bessie, this will only take five minutes of your time.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_12: And ultimately, it is an opportunity for growth, right?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_12: Right?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_12: We start now in six months, we're taking it far.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_12: But there are also part-time options.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_12: Um, if that's better for you.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_12: The moral of the story is, ladies, you cannot girl boss your way into his heart, okay?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_02: I've been trying to make new guy friends recently, which is such a bummer to say out loud.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and I realized Bumble, the dating app, it's got a friendship version, right?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_02: Bumble BFF.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, where you can just swipe your way into friendship.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_02: So I signed up for it, and let me tell you, if you think it sucks to not get matches on a dating app.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: Not getting matches on a friendship app.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: People were looking at my profile like, I wouldn't even throw a frisbee with this guy.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_02: No, I'm on an app to make friends and I don't want to risk a match.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_02: Um if you're in a relationship, I feel like the only other way to make new guy friends is when she drags you onto a double date, right?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_02: You just hope the other guy likes the cowboys or whatever.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_02: Hell yeah, you like the cowboys?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_02: You like the cowboys?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_02: They're alright?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_02: Alright.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_02: I could use an indifferent pushover like you.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, get in here.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_02: I'll tell you what else you like later.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_02: Um that was supposed to be banter and it went sexual too fast.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_02: Um I'm gay uh sexually, I'm pretty cool otherwise.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_10: Okay.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_10: I'm dating a conservative gay guy, and uh all my liberal friends are really mad at me.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_10: They're like, oh no, Dylan, you shouldn't.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_10: Then you fuck me if that's what you want.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_10: Otherwise, I'm going with honky Montana.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_10: Okay?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_10: Because he fucks me, and culturally too, he gets it.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_10: You know?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_10: These socialists aren't paying for pizza.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_10: They're not, you know.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_10: But it's weird.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_10: Like dating a gay conservative is like bringing a deaf person to a concert.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_10: It's just like, are are you having fun?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_10: I just feel like we're having different experiences right now.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_10: But I'm glad that you're here.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_09: Just confused as to why.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_09: First job in my life, 16 years old, Chuck E.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_09: Cheese.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_09: I was excited.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_09: I showed up, he's the kitchen manager, and there's he's supposed to show me how everything goes, right?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_09: They leave me alone with him.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_09: He goes and gets all this pizza dough out of the walk-in.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_09: He comes out, he throws it on a table.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_09: I'm thinking, alright, he's gonna show me how to make pizza, right?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_09: The famous Chuck E.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_09: Cheese pizza recipe is mine.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_09: Let's do it.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_09: And then he takes his pants off.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_09: I'm 16, this is my first job, so my initial thought was like, uh, maybe this is how you make pizza here.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_09: I don't know.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_09: Let's see what he's got.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_09: But then he jumps ass cheeks first onto the pizza dough.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_09: Yeah.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_09: And while maintaining eye contact with me, power farted into the dough.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_09: Yeah, it was traumatic.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_09: I can still see the flower flying up from the sides.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_13: I had to quit smoking weed recently.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_13: So sad, I know.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_13: The worst part is I still want to hang out with the stoners.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_13: I still identify with stoner culture.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_13: Just because weed gives me panic attacks sometimes now doesn't mean that I'm not still passionate about sitting down.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_13: I may not be high all the time anymore, but I'm still gonna find a way to work aliens into the conversation.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_13: It's gonna come up.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_13: I don't care if we're at your baby shower.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_13: I've got theories.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_13: I may not be waking and baking before work these days, but I'm still gonna do a really bad job.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_06: At least I'm consistent.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_06: Dating in your 30s is different.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_06: It's different from when you were younger.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_06: When you were younger, people could just like whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_06: They'd just be like, You'd be like, hell yeah.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_06: Fuck yeah, I'm on what you want.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_06: When you get in your 30s, it's different.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_06: Like, you gotta whisper real stuff to me, like I'm in therapy.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_06: I just like, oh yeah.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_06: For real.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_06: I want two kids, I want to send them to private school.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_06: I'm like, damn.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_06: You're making me moist, daddy.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know where I fit in, but I I really don't.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I can't even hang out with my thug friends anymore.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: Because we'll be smoking together and then they like to say cool thug shit, but it'll also hurt my feelings a lot of the time.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: They get real dramatic when they hit the joint and be like, man, dog, you know when I think about it, all my real friends are either dead or in jail by now.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, give me back my weed, man.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_01: Changing my hulu password, too.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's for my real friends.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: I did see a dick pick at work.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Uh was that relatable?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: No, I would have called this sexual harassment, but he did ask me first.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, that's profess, right?
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: It happened fast.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, bro, you trying to see a picture of my dick?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: And before I could say no, I said yes.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, every time I do it to myself.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: He pulled it up on his phone, I took it out of his hand, right?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, that's how I get a better look.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to become the best wingman I can be, right?
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Get all the information.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Some of y'all pulling back, it's okay.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's logic behind this, right?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like if we're out at a bar, he's talking to a girl having a tough time, I can always just cut in and be like, excuse me, miss.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: My boy got a big dick.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: And she'll probably be like, sir, you got condars and a soulful voice.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for the heads up.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: That really cut my time in half.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: But, but, but in reality, when he showed me the pick, he was like, Napoleon, I showed you one of mine's, now you gotta show me one of yours.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, that's fair, right?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, later on, I'm watching food videos in my phone.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: I got an erection, I was like, perfect, right?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna knock this out right now.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Took the picture, it was beautiful, it was black and white, avant-garde, really French fell black.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: It was a massive.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: I even kept on my t-shirt, I called it hashtag Winnie the Poop.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's a nice cartoonist, but it keeps things light, alright?
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: Took the picture, right?
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Tried to send it to him, got an error message.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Tried again, another error message.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was discouraged, but I was determined.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, this is your homeboy, you promise, follow through, right?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I kept trying, I kept getting error messages, so then I just gave up.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, fuck it, not meant to be.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Next day at work, I saw this dude looking stressed out, so I approached him, right?
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, bro, what's going on?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: He looks at me and goes, Napoleon, at 4:30 in the morning, you sent me 17 dick pics.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, so you got them?
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Tight, tight, tight.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: Next time reply.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_11: So I had to look my father in the eyes and tell him I had herpes.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_11: And he goes, Oh, whatever.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_11: Your grandmother had that.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_11: And it was in that moment I realized you can always feel worse.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_11: You can always feel worse.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_11: But before I told my parents, I was not gonna tell anyone.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_11: I was gonna tell no one.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_11: I was actually gonna become a nun.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_11: That was my plan.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_11: I was like, that's why there are so many nuns now, because herpes is so prevalent, everyone just becomes a nun.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_11: It was four in the morning, and I was crying, and I didn't know what to do, so I called the suicide hotline.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_11: And the woman who answered was like, Why are you calling this evening?
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_11: And I couldn't breathe.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_11: I was like, Yeah, I have herpes, and she was like, Oof.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_11: I'm sorry, did I call the wrong number?
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_11: How is herpes the worst thing you heard today?
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_11: Anyway, I talked Pam down, she will be fine, but Jesus fucking Christ.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_08: When I was in England, the only time I would uh come in contact with uh, you know, like a local or anything was uh like if I was asking for nearest directions to like a like a Popeye's.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_08: Be honest with y'all.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_08: I was looking for Louisiana chicken in London, y'all.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_08: Yes, I was.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_08: Yes.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_08: And those people they were just very excited.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_08: They were very excited by my accent.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_08: They're like, bruv, bruv, bruv, where you from?
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_08: Quick withdraw, bruv.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_08: Your mom's not hot, where you from?
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_08: Your mom's not hot, where you from, bruv?
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_08: I'll be like, uh, I'm from America.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_08: No, no, I mean specifically, specifically, where you from, bruv?
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_08: Where you from?
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_08: From the south side of Chicago?
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_08: You mean like the murder couple of the world?
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_08: You mean like Chancellor Rapper, like if one more label try to stop me, there's gonna be some dreading.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_08: Oh my god, Maggie, take a picture with me in the Chicago and he's not gonna be alive by next week.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_08: It was crazy.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_08: It was wild.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_08: You know, and it was crazy because people expected so much out of me, especially the women.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_08: They were like, Marks, tell me some of your thuggish, ruggish-bone stories.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_08: And I'm like, shit, I'm out here on a Shakespeare scholarship.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_08: I can't woo you with a sonnet.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_08: I came out here on some to be or not to be.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_16: Every up fat during the pandemic, I'm happy about it.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_16: I'm a fat person.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_16: They're fat people at.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_16: Cool, or I have eyes, and some of you should be clapping.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_16: I don't know what just embrace it, okay?
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_16: It's true.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_16: I'm happy because during the pandemic, all I got were weird weight loss emails that were just like, how many push-ups can you do during quarantine, alright?
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_16: Don't get fat, your dad's dead.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_16: Whoops, like that was every email.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_16: But it's just like, I don't care.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_16: You think I care what's gonna happen when like the world's over?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_16: You think I give a shit what my butt looks like when I'm wiping it with leaves?
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_16: I don't care.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_16: Do you think they did that during the plague where they were just like, oh no, Joffrey lost his entire family?
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_15: But did you see how many burpees he can do?
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_15: He has a six-pack, one for every family member he's lost.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know, man.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_05: I've um dating now uh in a new relationship.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_05: Uh so I gotta get used to hearing hypotheticals again.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_05: Um gotta get very used to them.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_05: Sometimes we're just not ready.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_05: I had uh, I remember I had a girlfriend once ask me if she died in Cambek as a cat.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_05: Would I take her in as a pet?
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_05: And uh I always engage, and I'm like, I uh how am I supposed to know it's you?
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_05: And she's like, You're supposed to be able to look me in my cat face and tell it's me.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_05: And I was like, that's worse.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_05: That means that I am walking around town after you die, potentially attracted to a cat.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_05: Hopefully it doesn't happen around people or friends, you know.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_05: They see me staring at this cat, and they're like, What's wrong with you?
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_05: And I'm like, I'm not necessarily sure.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_05: But for some reason, I think I want to sleep with that cat.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_03: Alright.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_03: The real issues.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_03: Dildos.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_03: Let's talk about it.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_03: I saw my girl's dildo, it fucked me up.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know what it was, I thought it was a microphone.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, Oh, you're doing stand-up too?
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_03: That's cool.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_03: And then I read it and it said magic wand, and I knew exactly what it was.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_03: Because that's how hard it is to make women come.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta learn sorcery.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta jump on a train to Hogwarts.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_03: Expect Dale Patrol come.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_03: And it fucked me up because she had a big one and she had a little one.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Babe, why do you have a small one?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, That's not a dildo, that's a vibrator.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_03: I said, What's that?
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_03: And she goes, it doesn't go inside, it goes on the clip.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, What's that?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_07: And she was like, That's why I have one.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_07: And I told my mom, I said, Hey mom, I want to tell you something.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_07: She said, What?
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_07: I said, I'm transgender.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_07: My mother looked at me, she said, We didn't have that when I was a kid.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_07: I said, What the fuck?
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_07: Like it's a flavor and shit.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_07: I said, Yes, they did.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_07: They just weren't coming and talking about the shit, you know.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_07: It was private.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_07: Like nowadays, you know, people back then was getting ball gagged and butt fucked in the back room somewhere, but they weren't coming and talking about the shit, you know.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_07: Nowadays they march with the shit on.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_07: You've been at a pride parade, you see a motherfucker with the leathers on and shit.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_07: I live in LA.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_07: I went out there one year, I seen my friend, I said, Oh shit, there goes Rick.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_07: I know Rick was in a BDSM.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_07: I called out to him, I say, Yo, Rick, I see the club on Tuesday.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_07: Rick looked back at me, said woo-woo-woo, because he had the shit in his mouth.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_12: You know, I do, I do have some some body image issues, um, and I always worried that it would like come up in a relationship, right?
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_12: Um, but I can confidently tell you that I have never been broken up with for my body, okay?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_12: I have only been broken up with because of my personality.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_12: I've only been broken up with because of um who I am.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_12: So um, you know, when you get broken up with for your body, it's a little bit easier because you can always go out and get a revenge body, right?
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_12: It's harder to get a revenge personality, isn't it?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_12: Isn't it?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_12: But I have been working on one.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_12: I've been working on a revenge personality, and I wanted to show it to you guys and see what you think.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_12: Okay.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_12: My revenge personality, I'm thinking, is just gonna be a really cool British girl, okay?
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_12: And this is how it is.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_12: Okay, so instead of like when my boyfriend's mean to me, instead of being like, I'm gonna kill myself, I'm gonna be like, hey, that really wasn't rock and roll, was it?
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_12: Really not rock and roll at all.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_12: And then, you know, if like we have sex for the first time, instead of being like, I'm gonna marry you, I'm gonna watch you die, I'm gonna say, hey, that was pretty rock and roll, wasn't it?
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_12: Pretty freaking rock and roll.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_04: Because she's white, I'm always like assuming she's gonna be racist, you know?
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I'm just I just don't wanna get caught.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, ooh, you're not gonna get me, bitch.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I just don't wanna get, you know what I mean?
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_04: Like the other day, we're in we're in bed and we're having sex and stuff, and and and I I asked her to call me daddy.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_04: Okay?
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_04: And she called me Diddy.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_04: And I was offended.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know why.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_04: I just started thinking like Diddy P.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_04: Diddy, the rapper, all black people look the same, get back on the plantation.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I don't know why, I just went down this train of thought, and I was just like, don't you fucking call me Diddy, okay?
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_04: If I say call me daddy, you call me daddy.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_04: Don't bring other rappers into this shit.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_04: If I say hey, baby, don't say hey the baby, why are you bringing in other rappers?
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_04: I don't get it.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_04: And then she starts crying, and I'm like, fuck, man.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_04: I messed up, I went too far, you know.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_04: And she was like, I didn't mean it.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_04: And she didn't mean it, you know.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_04: She was like, she was like, I meant Diddy, like Diddy Kong.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, what?
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_04: And she goes, You fucking monkey.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_04: And I was like, I knew it, I knew it, huh?
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_02: Just once in my life, I would like to live in a house or apartment or whatever where the shower doesn't have to be explained how to use it.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_02: Like, it's always kinda broken.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_02: Every time I like go in with the landlord day one, he's like, Alright, so this is the shower.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_02: This is the shower handle.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_02: You see the red and the blue?
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_02: Ignore that.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_02: We put that in as a joke, and it's hilarious.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_02: Uh the water will drain, just not now.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_02: Today's shower is tomorrow's bath.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_10: It's my landlord up there.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_10: Um but things are bad.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_10: Like, I'm very po the bills have just been b-duh duh duh.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_10: Like, I don't want my mom to die.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_10: I need her to.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_10: Does that make sense?
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_10: Like, she was coughing the other day, and I was like, oh.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_10: Don't act like you don't know, man.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_10: But then she called me the other day and she's like, Dylan, I want to help you out because I just got a Tesla.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_10: And I know you're struggling with comedy because you're not good at it.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_10: So I'm gonna give you my Subaru Outback.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_10: So now Dylan's got a Subaru Outback, you know?
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_10: That's right.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_10: I said, thank you so much, Mom.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_10: I love you.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_10: I love this car, and now you don't have to die.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_10: Just stay off the stairs.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_10: I buttered them.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_09: But things will be alright.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_09: So we are looking back on all these people in my life.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_09: I'm getting old.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_09: That's the thing.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_09: I feel so old.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_09: I feel great, but younger people make me feel so old.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_09: It's the people in their 20s that don't get my references and shit.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_09: They always say the thing, they're just like, I think that was before my time.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_09: I'm like, oh fuck you.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_09: You know who Screech is.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_09: You know who Screech.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_09: He wasn't born.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_09: You fucking knew.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_09: So where it's happened to me once, I was at a grocery store, I was at H E B not too long ago, and there was this guy bagging my food, and this guy looks around my age, right?
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_09: This guy looks around my age, and he goes, Hey, excuse me, sir.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_09: I'm like, yeah, what's up?
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_09: And he goes, Are you my friend Daniel's dad?
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_09: No, what?
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_09: I'm nobody's dad.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_09: What are you talking about, man?
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_09: It's not like he's asking me if I'm the father of like a baby or a child or a teenager.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_09: He's asking me if I'm the father of another grown-ass man trying to figure life out, like me.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_09: I'm like, what the doing, man?
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_09: I was in my car looking up the grocery store's HR department.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_09: I was like, can I get this guy fired for this?
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_13: I feel like people usually think that they're a lot dumber than they actually are, and I'm sick of it.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_13: I'm tired of people being like, oh, I only have two master's degrees instead of three.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_13: I'm so stupid.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_13: Shut up.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_13: Okay, you're not dumb.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_13: I'm a real dumb person.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_13: I thought Rose was just red and white wine mixed together until I was 27 years old.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_13: And I'm currently 27 years old.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_13: That was 15 minutes ago.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_13: Really put things into perspective for me.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_13: So, yeah, I'm gonna gatekeep dumbness, even though I had to look up what the word gatekeep means for that joke.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_13: But I'm committed.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_13: I'm a dumb person, but I'm also a socialist, and these two identities create some conflict in me sometimes because I never know if I should speak up for what I believe in or if I should shut up because I'm making us look bad.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_13: It is really hard to decide sometimes.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_13: Because I really do strongly believe to my core that everyone deserves the right to have safe access to food and health care and housing.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_13: But if you ask me to explain why, I'm just like, I don't know, sharing is caring.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_13: I was not expecting follow-up questions.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_13: A hot guy with a beard told me to believe this, and I did because I wanted to bone him.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_13: Have y'all ever been so horny?
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_13: You developed principles.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_13: We all get there one way or another.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_13: Sometimes the first step towards eating the rich is getting eaten out by the poor.