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BETWEEN SESSIONS: What kind of friend are you? · Mental Health Matters

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to Mental Health Matters Between Sessions with me, Dr.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Audrey Tang.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is where I reflect on the things that have been bugging me this week.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, sometimes I do use naughty language.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Apologies if you've listened to previous podcasts.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: I have sworn I may do so again.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Today I've been thinking about what kind of friend are you?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: We say that a lot, don't we?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Of other people.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: When we feel let down or ignored or aggrieved in some way.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of friend are you?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then we recount all the times where we've put ourselves out.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And somehow we can't think of a single time when we've had something from them in return.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying that relationships don't become one-sided.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying that relationships don't need to be changed.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also not saying that sometimes relationships need to come to an end.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: But I urge you to consider, as well as the rant you might be on, when you ask the question, what kind of friend are you?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: How does that apply to yourself?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Elizabeth Day's book, Friendaholic, is great in reminding us that good friendships are built not just on knowing what we want in a friend or what the relationship of a friend means to us, but also how we behave as a friend.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: We are often too quick to blame others for not doing something for us in that moment, forgetting that we also might not have come through for them either when we look back on it.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: So, exercise one: the friendship CV.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And this is from the book Friendaholic from Elizabeth Day.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: This is a great way not to just consider what you're looking for in others, but what you offer in return.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: So, in the same way as you'd write a personal profile, write your friendship profile.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you as a friend?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: What can you offer?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Me, for example, I have some incredibly close friends, and for them I will do most things.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: But until someone crosses, sorry, crosses that threshold, which happens organically, I would consider myself a helpful but a non-emotional friend.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not the person to hold your hand in a crisis, and neither do you want me to be.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: I also don't have a huge amount of time to nurture new friendships, so I'm like likely to not attend, and I'm also likely to not invite you to evenings out.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to be trusted with your secrets, and I will be very unlikely to tell you mine.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And right now, on reflection, I think all my close friendship positions are filled.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: I say that last line partly in jest because I do think there's room for friendships to change.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Robin Dunbar suggests we have the capacity for about 150 meaningful relationships.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Of those, 50 would be classed as friends, of those, 15 as close friends, and of those five closest relationships.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: So going back, I would say my five are full.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Fifteen close have changed, but also pretty full.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Fifty, there's room.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: So Robert Dunbar also further suggests that of those numbers, one needs to exit before another can come in.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I like to see friendships quite organically, perhaps dependent on circumstances.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: There are certainly five, maybe six for me, of people for whom I would actively make time to maintain that relationship.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And of those, a couple are relatively new.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I say that relatively new, they've been around for the last eight, nine years actually, but because others have left the space.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I only mention that as relatively new because it is harder to make friends as adults.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: So after Robin Dunbar and his numbers theory, we have Aristotle's theory.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Friends for a season, which are friendships of circumstance, which might end when the moment passes, you know, when you move jobs, friends for a reason, friendships where there's a mutual reciprocity, and friends for life.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where Aristotle conflicts with Dunbar.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because for Aristotle, it's possible to have, say, ten very close relationships, but whom you don't see regularly, however, you can pick up on when you do meet as if no time had passed at all.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, whatever your view of friendships, mine is certainly reciprocity.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Friendships take work, and the work has to be mutual, and the work has to be mutually acceptable.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: People speak of something called the swag gap, and I have no problem if I'm buying you a fancy meal and you're making me a home-cooked one, if our financial levels differ.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not fussed about the swag gap.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't necessarily equate putting myself out to do you a favour with you simply giving me a bit of food.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Nor would I offer you emotional support, for example, if I see you prefer to put your angst out on social media.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing that really annoys me is if you accuse me of not calling you, better check that you've called me.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes this can also happen.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't called you because you've not called me, or you've actually flaked out when I've said yes to something.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: So think about reciprocity.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Exercise two, and this is just be a good friend.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: To put this in immediate context, think about three people you would consider your close friends and think of the reasons why.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, for example, friend one I can think of has a great sense of humor, they're fun to be around, they're generous, they're motivating, they see the best in me, they see potential I don't see.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Friend two is reliable, helpful, and kind, and friend three is grounded, generous, and capable.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then ask yourself: do I behave in the same way back to them?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or does what I give them benefit their growth in a similar way as what they do for me?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then start doing things that reflect their traits back to them or benefits them in return.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because there is still a mismatch.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: If, for example, someone is always tagging you on social media, maybe yes, giving you some extra things to share, but they're not sharing when you tag them.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: You see, those are little differences as well.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: We cannot expect to keep friends of value if we're not offering value back.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: And whilst what is acceptable as currency will differ from person to person, friendship still takes work.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I will say, for those five, those 15, or sometimes even 50, it's totally worth it.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, it is also okay to have a number of acquaintance-like relationships.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: The 515 intersection for Dunbar is really what the acquaintance-like is um when it comes to what's seen as an acquaintance 15 is friend 50 is acquaintance.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because there generally it's about being a decent person.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's nice to have decent people in one's network.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: But just because someone is in your life, it doesn't mean they're in your inner circle.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Similarly, though, just because you aren't close to someone doesn't mean you should behave like a dick.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Martin Seligman has long posited that healthy relationships are a pathway to happiness, stating that while healthy relationships do not guarantee happiness, happiness is rarely found without them.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: But it is notable, he said healthy relationships.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's the word healthy, which is key.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Know what that looks like for you when it comes to both giving and receiving friendship.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if you enjoyed that, do check out my other podcasts in Retrain Your Brain or my other solo podcasts.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: They are known on this podcast website as Between Sessions.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And have a healthy week.