Latest / Erotic Spirit Podcast / YOU FEEL SAFE… SO WHY CAN’T YOU LET GO DURING SEX?

Transcript

YOU FEEL SAFE… SO WHY CAN’T YOU LET GO DURING SEX? · Erotic Spirit Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Just because we've had trauma does not mean that we're having bad sex.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: That that could just be something where it's a mirror.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's a mirror to things that are unresolved and it could possibly show up in our sex life.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: And it doesn't mean that it is, but this is where it's really inviting you to see, like, okay, where is it coming up?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Being curious.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast discusses sensitive and sexual topics that may be triggering.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Please understand that I am not a therapist.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: My guests and I are simply sharing from our own journeys and experiences.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Erotic Spirit Podcast.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Jenna Lee, and this is about where sexuality, embodiment, and soul meet.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Today I'm talking about what happens when trauma affects us in the bedroom.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not just talking about sexual trauma.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: If anything, I'm talking about all the rest of it that we normally don't think of, which really impacts us in the bedroom.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: Things like it doesn't feel good to be close to someone.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe I feel safe with them, but I can't find myself being close enough with them in the bedroom.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: But there's nothing that they ever did to me.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: And if that sounds like you, you want to stick around and how you can move past that.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: So jumping in, talking about all things bedroom and how trauma can impact us.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: I want to dive into specifically if you feel like you really haven't had trauma in your life, or there wasn't anything that you felt that was sexual.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: This can be things like you didn't have someone who was emotionally available for you when you were younger.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you had someone who always diminished what you were going through, or you were met with chaos through your emotions.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: People don't usually think of that as trauma, and you can call it whatever you want.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't need to be that word, but these things impact us in the bedroom.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: They impact us in our sexuality and they impact us in how we express ourselves outwardly into the world outside of the bedroom, too, as well.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: So if that's one of the things that you look at, you may find yourself wondering, well, how's that showing up?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: It could look like you have feelings of emotions that want to arise when you are in the bedroom, when you are in that place of expression.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's really vulnerable to be in that space in general.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so a lot of times we can find ourselves just kind of suppressing parts of ourselves that just want to naturally flow and want to naturally come out.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: So looking at how that impacts you in the bedroom, but also I love to say, how else does that impact us in life?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe we find that our partner has never done anything to cause anything that feels unsafe.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: But you still can't find yourself getting close to them.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: You just feel like you always have up a wall.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so when I look at this, I look at this as an invitation into what container can I create for myself to show myself that vulnerability and emotions are just normal.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: They're not anything out of the ordinary, but it was something that maybe I learned.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I learned that I met with chaos.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so there's some story in my head that's saying when I share vulnerable parts of me, that chaos may come in.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't get that deep.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: And then what happens is when we get into the bedroom, when we get into sex, when we get into intimate spaces with partner, we keep more parts of ourselves than we'd like to imagine.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: There's also this other avenue of surrender.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Do you find yourself having trouble letting go?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: And we'll talk specifically about the bedroom first.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Do you find that you're just like, I would love to be this kind of way, but when and and it's in your mind that way, but when you actually get to it, you're confined.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Your body feels like it shrinks.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's just very closed, closed off.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: And the two really don't meet ever.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And again, maybe there's nothing that ever happened with your partner.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: But this surrender, this I want to, I want to show up this way, and I can't seem to get there, could be coming from a space where control, of environment where there was actually a lack of control, now causes us to want to control the outcome.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I've seen this, I mean, this happened for for me and what I went through.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: There were just, and anyone can relate to, there's absolutely aspects of our life and childhood or things that really shaped us where it was like, that's out of my control, and I don't want to ever feel out of control ever again.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: So what happens?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I contain myself.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I may make myself smaller because if I actually surrender to this bigness, this aliveness, what might happen?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: I might be met with chaos.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what's gonna happen.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: So when I get into the bedroom, that might be just really transferable.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: And this is something that shows up not just in the bedroom.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: You may find yourself where you are also looking to control other areas of your life.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you may have an area in work where you show up and you're looking to surrender to creative spaces of you, but you always then find yourself going back to the same spaces, the same projects.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: And this is that your box of control.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know exactly the outcome.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's the thing, is that we, if we know the outcome, then we feel like we're in control.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: The truth is, any experience that we create and we co-create with another person, we don't know the outcome.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: We just don't.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: You don't know what you when you get into the bedroom, it is a creative project.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: This is you're you're putting one thing in the soup, they're adding something else in there, they're adding in some spices, some flavors.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: You just don't know.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: So there is a an aspect of letting go of the process.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: And when you let go of the process and have this unattachment to it, and knowing that there's the flow that will happen will actually create beauty in your life, then there's something that can shift for you.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: You actually may start to slowly let go of the reins.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so I really invite you when you actually step in, if you're someone that really likes to control the things, add in, um add in something that you usually don't do, like something new.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: So add in a new flavor for yourself in the bedroom, uh, in your sexuality, in your sexual expression.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: And that little newness, just one thing, will give you a taste to see how is you're not gonna know the outcome.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: You've never been there.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: And once you move through it, you'll see that surrender is just an opportunity to see this deeper part of yourself and that you actually can't control anything.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so this is going back to this box that sometimes we put ourselves in when in life, in our sexuality, in our expression of who we are, in a container with partner.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's this box.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: This box that says, these are all the things that I know.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: I know this, I know this, I know this.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: And what it's doing is really limiting our fullest expression of ourselves.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: And we learned that box feels safe, but really what it was at that time was just a portion to protect ourselves, maybe everyone's different, but for me, it was like a space of protection, I thought.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so a lot of times people can put up walls and boundaries, and all of a sudden, whatever walls and boundaries that are being put up is in place of so I don't feel hurt again.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe I raise the bar and I raise the standards in something, and I say I won't accept anything less than this.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: And truly that is a truth, but also there's another truth that maybe I'm using that as a protection mechanism to get to avoid getting in deeper with myself.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: So something to think about, some food for thought.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, another creative way of looking at this and how uh trauma or things that we've gone through could be impacting us in the bedroom is our voice, is our expression, is communication.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so uh maybe one learned that communicating can be unsafe.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe uh there are areas in life where communicating or speaking caused chaos that came back, caused yelling, caused uh someone diminishing that idea, right?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: Just kind of like belittling one, uh someone else or being belittled.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: And looking at how now communication can feel like every time that I say something, that it won't be, I won't be received.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, it can even be something where it feels like rejection.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: So even expression can feel like rejection, because maybe, or it can feel like rejection is coming.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: And that could be because, oh yeah, like I wasn't seen, I wasn't heard, I wasn't understood, or I the the no that came with that was not in balance.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we hear no all the time, and that's okay.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: But we could have heard that and assigned a meaning to that no, and that rejection is bad.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: When actually rejection in hearing no isn't is actually us expanding, us expanding and hearing that no is actually just incongruent with each other.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm expanding and I hear yes, it means I actually have an invitation to do more.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, okay, you said yes.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh, what more and more do I have?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: So all of these things really can then put a limit of our expression in our sexuality.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it can seem scary, can seem if I have a desire, I'll hear no.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: And and I can't hear no.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: And there are all these areas that then that shows up in, right?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so then it's whatever I have, whatever desire I have.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: If you're someone who feels like your sex life is stagnant, if you feel like you're missing something, there's a lot of room and ownership and responsibility in ourselves and communicating exactly what it is that we want.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because I can tell you your partner is not a mind reader.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: And if they are, verbal communication is still really important.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: So that is something where this is such an invitation to even start sharing outside of the bedroom.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: If that feels really vulnerable, start outside.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: And you might even find that these things also show up in the rest of your life.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: I would not be shocked if you are nervous in rejection in communication and what you want and sharing things, that you are having that same feeling outside of the bedroom.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: You may feel that with work.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: You may feel, I'm not going to pitch these ideas, I'm not going to present this new offering out to my people because it is just so completely different.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: And it may not be accepted.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: This is giving yourself fucking permission.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: Give yourself permission to receive yourself in all ways.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: Accept all parts of yourselves.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: And knowing that you put your no's, you put any of the no's that you hear in this, maybe this bucket that shows you your expansion opportunities.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: These are the places that you are looking to expand and you heard no.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: And that doesn't mean it's no forever.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's you expanding.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: And where else are you going to be a month from now when you keep pushing the envelope and not in a forceful way?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's really inviting you to just be authentically you.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: This podcast is sponsored by My Awakening Within.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: If you are looking for some sort of practice to drop into your pleasure, to reconnect to your body, to start to build and cultivate safety from within, join me on this online self-guided journey where you will start to learn breathwork techniques, emotional release practices, and start to build this foundation of safety and security from a place of presence.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: So join me online, myAwakeningWithin.com or linked in the show notes.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so all these places really intertwine.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: And our and our sexuality is no different than everything else that's outside of us.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: It is an extension of who we are, but there everything is relatable.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Everything is relatable there.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: So we have emotions, we have vulnerability, we have communication.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: What else is it?
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: I hear one of the things that have come in, I've seen quite often, and personally for myself, um, and and mine was related to uh sexual trauma, but if and we're not specifically talking about that, um, but there's like a closeness that people can feel like a detached space from their partner.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I found that I've seen with so many clients that there were just spaces where they were not held by people that were closest to them when they were younger.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe that was family, maybe that was parents, maybe that was just one parent, one of them.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: Just not feeling, not feeling that physical intimacy from people that shape your life and growing up with that distance.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: Really, it's physical distance, but it's also emotional distance as well.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's everything.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: But that I have found that that physical side of it can actually really show up in how we express express ourselves in the bedroom and or how what we're willing to receive as well.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's that distance in actually even like receiving pleasure.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: And it's this uh receiving that that physical side of someone that we didn't receive.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: And now we get to some partner in the future completely unrelated, and it's that physical closeness that I'm not really comfortable with.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I can say there there's also an aspect of how slow we can go.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: And slow we can go meaning slow touches, taking our time.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: People want to rush.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I found that there's like a rushing that is really avoiding the intimacy.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's like kind of just, ah, I'm just doing the thing because this is something we're supposed to do.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: This is something we're supposed to just do in our relationship and connection, sex.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: This is it, right?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so there's this physical aspect and the slowness and the slow, juicy touches that really add into uh this uh co-creation, this pot, this soup that we're making.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: And being able to see that sometimes that physicalness can just be a little scary.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I really invite you to first bring in touches to yourself, understand that uh your body is an instrument and it's so beautiful, it's just waiting to tell you what is happening and it's waiting to uh release anything that you're holding on to, and it's waiting to uh connect the dots between both of those.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: So when you start to slowly invite in touch yourself where you get more comfortable with the physical side of it, and it's and it just could be something like where you're actually holding yourself because you were not maybe physically held, and maybe you weren't, but this is this can be all types of areas, right?
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_01: Being able to learn and relearn that physically holding self and being there for self is okay.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: And we start to let someone else in with that.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and if you're not in a in a relationship now, you can totally do something platonic as well, where you're practicing that touch and you're practicing receiving hugs.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um I usually get this, I don't want to say like awkwardness, but I always ask people if they want hugs and so say, okay, yes.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: I I allow that hug to just be.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't need to be like a one-second hug and we're done.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: We're allowed to just stay with someone in a close space together, however, we're kind however long we're comfortable doing it.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so I really invite you into really something that is non-romantic touch because it will change really all relationships, and it'll make it easier for when you do get into a partnership if you're not, or it'll make it easier for you and in your partnership now.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's that physical closeness.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's also this closeness that sometimes words just can't share.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_01: Words can be communicated in ways where it is like you get exactly what they mean, but then sometimes there's a physical aspect and connection through the body that just have no expression of words to define it.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: There's no way to say what just happened right now in words, and allowing that pause to be very visible can be life changing too.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I really invite in you bringing in more touch into your life, and then you also.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: So can bring in touch with partner as well, like just something that's really slow and juicy, and even adding in some eye gazing as well, which can be very intimate, which can be very, very vulnerable to allow someone to just see and witness you.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: And you can also invite in touch with that.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: So letting all of all of that move through so that you are able to go into a deeper part of yourself and then go into a deeper part into your connections, into the bedroom, but then also outside.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because I would not be shocked if once you allow this physical closeness in, you're seeing how safe it is for people to see and witness you on a physical level.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: That for me has been a game changer in an emotional level.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I've let people in emotionally, I've let them see me and witness me emotionally.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's felt easier to do that.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: And that can that will show up in all areas of your life.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like how you show up in that space, you then can transfer out into wow, like at work, I will let people see me because it's okay.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_01: And it and it just snowballs.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a snowball effect, and you never know how it's gonna unfold.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_01: So keep that in mind, keep all that in mind.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_01: So we have surrender, we have letting go of control, we have like diving in deeper into our emotions.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: And now we have even a chance to go into um our like mind.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like what is it that we sometimes feel like we are so distracted in our mind in the bedroom?
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I like to share this as a, hey, you know, sometimes we distract ourselves because it doesn't feel safe enough to drop into the body.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_01: And it's maybe it was taught, like, think about these things before you go and do them.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: Think about the all the steps.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_01: We need to think everything out.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I've just I'm just thinking of how some of the things when when I grew up was like, let's let's plan, let's have everything organized, let's everything is needs to be well thought out.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so we can think ourselves into the bedroom and then not actually be fully present to feel what is moving through our body.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: And that's just like a point of um, if you want to call it not not trauma, but it it's a way of a different lens of looking at life.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: And there's no bad way of looking at life, I found.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: I found that when life is inviting us into challenge and growth in our life, it's something that can feel scary.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's something that can just be like, wow, I don't know if I can do this.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: But on the other side of it, we actually recognize that we're just truly ourselves now.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, that came in to show me where I was not fully accepting this part of myself.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to share that just because we've had trauma does not mean that we're having bad sex, that that could just be something where um it's a mirror.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's a mirror to things that are unresolved and it could possibly show up in our sex life.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: And it doesn't mean that it is, but this is where it's really inviting you and to see, like, okay, where is it, where is it coming up?
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: Being curious.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: I also love this instead of what do I need to fix?
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's more of what do I, what curiosity can I bring?
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: Instead, what do I need to fix?
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_01: What curiosity is there about this that this is showing me?
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_01: And then now that I have awareness, what how can I take ownership and changing the way that I'm showing up?
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_01: So just a different perspective, just a different lens, just a different way of seeing yourself and inviting yourself to go deeper into the moment and all of its expressions, even if it seems like it's awkward or uncomfortable.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's actually that actually means you're doing a good thing.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's good job.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_01: So if that resonated with you today, just feel free to send something, drop it in the comments.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for tuning in today to Erotic Spirit Podcast.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_01: We're on all the major platforms.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_01: Come like, subscribe, and let me know what resonated.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks and bye for now.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for hanging with us today.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: If you find value in this podcast, please like, subscribe, and share.