Latest / Beyond Limits With Olivia Marie / The Self-Trust Shift: How to Stop Second-Guessing Yourself ft Brooke Robbins

Transcript

The Self-Trust Shift: How to Stop Second-Guessing Yourself ft Brooke Robbins · Beyond Limits With Olivia Marie

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Hey everyone, welcome back to the Beyond Limits podcast.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: I am so excited to have Brooke Robbins here with me today because she is gonna show you how to trust the voice that you keep dismissing.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: So with that, Brooke, welcome to the show.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for having me.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to immediately dive in to that, what I consider your the probably one of the points where you're like, oh, this is when I really started trusting my voice, or what a lot of people would see as a big life change, which is when you left your previous relationship.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Tell me about that, how you trusted that voice, and kind of all the things that led up to having the trust to do that in the moment.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, amazing.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get right into it.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, forever for context for anybody who's listening, I was in a five-year-long relationship.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was engaged.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I had actually moved to Dubai to be with my uh then partner.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I say that because there was a lot wrapped in that relationship and like the decision to actually leave that relationship.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: It was like the decision to leave, but then also, you know, was I gonna stay in Dubai?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: My work situation.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: It kind of was a decision that there were a bunch of other pylon decisions.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like a lot of people in the audience may be able to relate to this because it's a pretty universal experience where you're in a situation that on a gut level, you kind of know isn't really right for you, but for one reason or another, like you're not really okay with that yet.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that was sort of my experience.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, um, there were many moments honestly leading up to that where I kind of would get that gut ping or sort of know that something was off.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: But for a lot of reasons, you kind of kind of try to stick it out.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I think for different people, there's different things.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: There's like some cost fallacy, there is usually like genuine love there and care and wanting something to work.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think sometimes like getting to the point where you're like, okay, I'm really ready to jump off this cliff can be very challenging.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And what I always say to people is self-trust is a muscle, just like any other muscle.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can't walk into the gym having never worked out before and pick up an 100-pound dumbbell.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: You have to probably start with a three-pound dumbbell and slowly work your way up.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so for me, in terms of kind of making that cliff jump, it was honestly like at least a year, probably um, between really kind of knowing that it wasn't the right fit and I needed to leave before I actually took the leap and made that decision.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and in that year, it's interesting.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: It was actually like so many micro steps, including, by the way, like actually physically working out.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I think it's like it's a metaphor, but it's also kind of literal of like all of these micro moments of showing myself that I can trust me and I have my own back in big and small ways.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that is kind of like what set the stage for me to actually have the confidence and the trust to jump.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing that I tell people, and I think this is important, whenever you're making a big decision in your life, like there's always going to be fear there.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a couple of reasons for that.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Psychologically, our brains are hardwired to protect us.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Our nervous systems are more concerned about our safety than our growth, alignment, or even happiness, right?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: So there's always gonna be more friction involved with a change, with a pivot, than with kind of keeping things the way that they are.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you take that into consideration, you have to understand that when you're making a big decision like that, it's always gonna feel scary.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so, in that sense, like you're probably not gonna feel 100% certain about anything in the moment.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: You have to kind of build this comfortability with getting yourself to a certain level of certainty, right?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's still fear there, but trusting yourself enough to know that you can take the leap because you've got your own back.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And like whatever ends up happening, you know you can handle it.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like this is one of the things that when we were connecting before this podcast, I felt we resonated so much because I was also in a long-term relationship.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: I was also engaged, I also left that one, I also know what it takes to leave one.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I too, it wasn't like an overnight decision.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: It was something for me, I would say it was like September till February.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: So, I mean, maybe that's like what six months-ish, so not quite a year.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but like it was a long time and there was a lot of like back and forth.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: But like you said, that gut feeling of like the knowing for you.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm curious because sometimes I think people, if there isn't anything big wrong, then they almost don't honor their voice or they almost don't trust themselves.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, well, if somebody cheated, if somebody, if we were yelling at each other, if it was super toxic, and I don't know for you, but for me, it wasn't super toxic.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: There wasn't anything really wrong.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like they're a good person, they're a good guy.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: They're and that to me can sometimes even make it even more difficult because there's no really reason why, but you're trying to trust that gut, it's just like something's off, but maybe on the outside on paper, this person is great, they have a good job, they're they're loving, they're not bad.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe they don't love us in the way we receive love.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: But do you know what I mean by that, Jim?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm curious for you, do you feel like it was more of that or more of like the other one where it was like easy?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: And was there also a moment where you feel like you finally trusted, all right, this was the day and like this is the time, now I'm ready?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: And if so, what was how did you get to lead up to that?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know for me, I woke up and I was like, if I don't do today, I'm not gonna do it.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I had to do it.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, so many good questions.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I will say to that.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think two things.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: One, part of what allowed me to actually get to a point to be able to make that decision was I had been on like a years-long journey of like, quote, inner work.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: I had been, you know, in therapy, different types of coaching, hypnotherapy, all different types of things.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the more that I came to understand myself, the more that I came to understand how that relationship was very much playing out my childhood wounding.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so I could see it kind of for what it was.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what's important is like I don't, it's really, I think, how do I want to say this?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's tempting sometimes to almost in order to justify a decision, need to like demonize the other person.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's necessary.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: But at the end of the day, like for me personally, I just realized at some point that like that wasn't the way that I wanted to be loved anymore, right?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't enough for me.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean that the person is a bad person.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: There are just certain things that, again, based on like my own sort of childhood experiences that I knew in order to feel safe and secure in a relationship, like I needed that.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I wasn't able to get those in that relationship.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's where, you know, at this point, it's like five years in, right?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you kind of have to realize like someone's it's things are not going to change at a certain point, right?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, especially if there's like no evidence to suggest that, like, I think it's one thing, right?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a big believer in commitment.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, if if two people are really like equally can acknowledge the things that aren't working and wanting to repair them, I think there's like real growth that can happen there.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: But in the absence of that, you sort of have to accept people for where they're at.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I think, you know, when it comes to marriage, like that's not something I take lightly either.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like I, you know, intend to be married once and to be married, you know, to that person for the rest of my life.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so you kind of have to look at the version of somebody that already exists.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, you can hope that someone might grow in certain ways, but you really, and this was a huge learning, like you have to accept people where they are.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's not enough for you, it doesn't make them a bad person, but it's not the right fit for you and you need to move on.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: I have full-body chills because this is something I've even talked about with clients who've contemplated leaving relationships or have left them.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, I think sometimes we can see the potential of someone who they could be.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then we get attached to the potential like, well, they could improve, they could get better, they could, but if you are not not only just accepting, but perfectly happy if this person weren't changing 100%.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: If they're not gonna change and how they love you, how they show up, is that enough for you?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: That is a good question.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I think sometimes, and I don't know if you find this as women, we can get very like, but they have the potential.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: It could change, this could happen, but then you end up resenting them if they don't.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: You put pressure on them to change, or you have these expectations when, well, they didn't sign up to to change according to those things.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: And 100% there's this bitterness that gets formed.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm so glad that you said that.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the other thing too is like I want to like be so real that like I take full accountability for that aspect too, right?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's like entering into a dynamic where you actually aren't really okay with the person as they are, that's not nice for them either.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like they feel that you want them to change and it's it's an icky feeling, right?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: You want somebody who, yes, okay, you're on a everyone wants to grow and get better.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not everybody, but hopefully like people want to grow and get better.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's great.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: But you want to feel accepted and loved and like you are enough as you are.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think it it obviously like cuts both ways for sure.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think also, you know, and this is, I don't know if this is controversial.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like everyone has different takes, but like for me personally, like that relationship was always very volatile.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: We broke up once, we got back together, you know, it's like so there was no bit of that.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so it was always it's like looking back, it's like, yeah, we were together for a long time, you know, we lived together, but it's like it was kind of like that, like that like chaos, that sort of like inconsistency, that sort of like push-pull, like, you know, intensity was there from the very beginning.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to say, you know, again, for anyone who's listening and and you know, pay attention to that.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not, I'm not trying to make like a one-off, like you should never get back together with your ex.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure sometimes like it works.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it's important to really be honest with yourself about the reasons why things don't work out like the first time and like really ask yourself the question like, have things significantly changed, right?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because otherwise you might just end up like in the same result, just like many, many years later, right?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: So you make this big change, you decide to leave.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure that was difficult.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Did you immediately move out of Dubai?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: And is that when you went to New York or Florida?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Kind of paint us a picture of like, all right, you made this big decision and now what next?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because I feel like some people, it's like, all right, I can make the big decision, but there's all of this uncertainty afterwards of like, I'm gonna have to rebuild my life.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if I we've been together for maybe, you know, five a long time.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe we have the same friend circles, we have all of this.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's like blank slate.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Kind of tell us how you navigated that.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oof.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I want to get into that.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Before I do, you just reminded me of something.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: This the Dixie Chick song, like, I've been afraid of changing because I built my life around you.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: I know that song, but it sounds so like describes it.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: That it came on to my like shuffle the other day, and I just like felt it so much in my bones because that's really what it is, right?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, whether you're engaged or not, if you're in a long-term relationship, even if deep down you know that it's better for both parties that you guys aren't together, like it's gonna be terrifying because to some extent or another, you probably have built your life around this person.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said to you, right?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like I moved to Dubai, I like everything about my life had changed, my friends, my work, where I lived, you know, my relationship with my family to some extent, like everything had changed, like around that relationship.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: So it was terrifying.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And um, it's interesting.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually glad that you asked that because I remember, like I said to you, it was like a full year really um of kind of like deeply sitting with this question, kind of knowing that it probably wasn't gonna work, but like not really wanting to believe it and you know, trying to work, you know, with my with my partner at the time to like find middle ground and kind of work through things.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember having the realization at some point that as long as I was thinking about all these decisions in tandem as a bucket, I would never make a move because it's too overwhelming.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so I made a very conscious decision to take it one step at a time.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so I told myself, I was like, Brooke, we are only going to consider the decision of do I leave or do I stay?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: We're not even thinking about if we leave, am I gonna leave Dubai?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna change my job?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Am I gonna like this because it gets way too overwhelming?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: You're never, it's like puts you in decision paralysis and it's gonna put you in a free state, which is what had happened.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I made that commitment to myself.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm not, I was like, at this point, and this is important, you know, for this, for the story as well.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: The silver lining of this entire situation is that it brought God into my life in a totally new way.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: And we can go into that, you know, in as much or as little detail as you want.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: But the long of the short of it for the purpose of like this segment is thankfully, I was at a point where it was very much still evolving, but I really had a very strong foundation of faith at this point where I was able to say, I don't need to worry about everything that's gonna happen because like God's got my back.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know how it's gonna work out, but like God's got my back, and I I've got my back, and I know like I've figured it out a million times before.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've moved countries multiple times, I've started over multiple times.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like I know I can handle it.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I made that decision where I was like, I'm only gonna focus on the one thing.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what I did.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and once my ex and I decided to split, I it was interesting.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: It was over the summer, and in Dubai, like everyone leaves in the summer anyway.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: So it was kind of like helpful in that sense, where it was like, we made this decision to split.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then I went to, I went back back home for like three weeks.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then I went to my happy place, which is Paris, stayed at my friend's apartment.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like I was kind of just like in the healing mentality of like, I'm gonna spend the summer away and kind of like get start gaining the courage to like go back.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because at this point, by the way, all of my stuff was still in our apartment.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like I hadn't moved out.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: So it was like we split up and then it was like I knew I was gonna have to go back at a minimum to like go get my stuff and like close down my bank account if I was gonna leave and like leave, right?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you know, I was working for a UAE-based company at this point.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: So that was a whole nother thing, too, of like, okay, how am I gonna have this decision?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: That was the second decision was like, how honest am I gonna be about this?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I made the decision, you know, to be honest with my manager.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I called him up and I was like, hey, I wanted to let you know this personal thing happened.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: I told him exactly what happened.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I want to be so honest with you.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I'm gonna stay or if I'm gonna leave, but there is a possibility that I decide that like for personal reasons, I really need to be back in the US.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and if that's the case and like that doesn't work for you, I totally understand I will help you find a replacement, train a replacement.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: So we started that conversation early.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Fortunately, and I'm very grateful for this, he basically came back to me and was like, first of all, he was like, I also broke off an engagement once.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the funny thing.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like this is so much more common than people think.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Secondly, he was like, and don't worry about it, you know, when you come back to Dubai, great, you'll continue working from the office.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: If you decide to leave, we'll figure it out.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: We can work remotely, like blah, blah, blah.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: They had sort of a precedent at the company for remote employees.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: So that was amazing.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was kind of took care of, or at least gave me bought me a little bit of time.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I was really glad that I made that decision because it's like, for me, everything is integrity.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is like, you know, trying to be as honest and real as possible.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to blindside anybody.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so I ended up going back to Dubai, moving out of, you know, my apartment with my ex, moving into a short-term, like blue ground apartment.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I stayed for three months.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: And over those three months, I was like every single day on an hour-long prayer walk, like asking God for guidance.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what should I do?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: What should I do?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: What should I do?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, I made the decision that, you know what, this has been a beautiful chapter.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: I had been in Dubai for four years.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so grateful for everything.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm ready to move on.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I'm ready to start a new phase of my life.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so um, yeah, Miami was kind of a combination of honestly, gut feeling.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like I've it's a place that always sort of called to me, spoke to me.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: I had a feeling that, like, maybe not forever, but I had a feeling that there was like a chapter waiting for me in Miami.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: My parents had, you know, my dad retired.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: My parents have since moved to Florida.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I was okay, it's kind of makes sense geographically, East Coast.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and yeah, I had lived in in New York before moving to Dubai and just sort of felt like I was ready for something like new, new, you know.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so that was kind of the decision, but it was very much like a triage.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: It was like first thing relationship, second thing, deal with the job, third thing, you know, location.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I kind of took my time with each of them and I think that was really important.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: I love this whole story.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like I've just been nodding along because I love the the journey and like how you approached it, but also I feel like there's so many people listening who can see themselves in so many different scenarios or so many different spots that you've been in.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm curious for someone who maybe isn't struggling with a huge decision of like where to move or leaving a relationship, how can they start to even trust themselves in smaller ways when they're like, okay, I don't have any of these big decisions, but how can I still learn to trust?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: And how can I identify where I might be dismissing?
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think sometimes people think, well, I don't have a big thought like, should I leave this person or should I move here?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: But yet I still find that on a day-to-day basis, so many people are dismissing their truth or what they know to be true.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: Love that question.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I think about trust, confidence, and self-respect as like all so intricately and intimately connected.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can't really trust somebody that you don't respect and that doesn't have integrity, meaning like words match their action.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I really think about one thing, like I love words, I love etymology because I feel like this gives us so much insight.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: But what one thing I always think about is like this concept of like telling something, telling something to somebody in confidence means like if I tell you something in confidence, it's like like I don't want you to tell this to anybody else.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like I trust you with this.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: That means that like I trust you enough to like be have integrity in what you say to me.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, you're not gonna go around and like tell everybody.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: And why do I trust you?
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because you show up for the things that you say you're gonna show up for, you do the things that you say you're going to do.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we think about like confidence, it's really like trust turned inward, right?
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, do you trust yourself to do the things that you say that you're gonna do for yourself?
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why for me, like I am so passionate about like physical fitness as a gateway drug to like self-trust.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because yes, are you gonna feel more confident by like feeling stronger in your body?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: But that is like the least important part of it, actually.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like the aesthetics piece of it is like the least interesting part.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: What it really is is showing yourself that you have like the discipline and you love yourself enough to do something hard.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's also a lesson in short-term versus long-term discomfort, right?
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like, I think about, I think a lot of us avoid pain emotionally and physically in the here and now.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: The reality is most of the time you're gonna have to face the discomfort.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna have to face the dis the pain at some point.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: The question is, do you want the small pain now or the big pain later?
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think the idea of like deferring discomfort, you know, when you when you strength train, you learn that A, you're so much stronger than you think.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this, I used to coach Solid Core part-time.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: I think they do an amazing job.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is like such a spiritual like experience for me of like understanding A, slower is stronger.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's another thing.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: We rush through things, but sometimes slowing down is actually harder and being present in the moment, being present in the discomfort.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Also recognizing when you start to feel your like muscles burn, you are in first stage muscle failure.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're just getting started.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Second stage muscle failure is when you're literally involuntarily shaking.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Most people never get to that point, but everybody is capable of getting there.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you can actually push through that short-term discomfort to create that strength, which again, long term, is going to lead to a much more comfortable life.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to be so much healthier and so much happier, and you're going to be able to hold your grandchildren and like bring them up and down or whatever.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I think about that, you know, again, physically, it's sort of like a metaphor, but it's really helpful to actually embody that truth of like, you know what?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: For a year, I've been showing up to the gym every day and basically like putting myself through short-term discomfort for a long-term gain.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: So now I know kind of like intuitively that I'm capable of doing that in other areas of my life too.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I think, you know, um, physical fitness is a big one.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then I think too, you know, people listening, I'm sure will relate to this.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: I think we are all, maybe not all of us, but a lot of us are guilty of like self-abandoning in across many different relationships, right?
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: It could be your romantic relationships, but it also could be friendships.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: It could be like in your career, in your work, like not saying what you actually think, not saying how you actually feel, um, fawning.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's like almost, I think of it as um a really good exercise is like stalking your inside world.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like Joe Dispensa talks about um becoming so aware of your internal sort of world that like no thought goes unnoticed by you.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's another piece of it too, is like really, you know, nobody's perfect.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay, you don't beat yourself up, but like it's becoming so aware of like the patterns that are kind of like subconsciously running your life and making a conscious decision to like use your free will, right?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: To like change the way that you react to things.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so yeah, I think that definitely micro movement, I think physical fitness, strength, in whatever way that calls to you, whether that's you know, Pilates, strength training, like running doesn't really matter, but like proving to yourself that you can do hard things physically will translate mentally and spiritually.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: A hundred percent.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_01: I I mean, this is why I know that we're like resonate so much.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I talk a lot about this because I think even in terms of regulation and nervous system, people think, well, then I shouldn't do anything that's uncomfortable.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Is that's dysregulating to my nervous system.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, but the only way your capacity expands is if you regularly do things that are uncomfortable.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: Otherwise, you actually shrink your window of tolerance.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: Your system becomes more fragile, more on eggshells, because you're not repeatedly exposing it to something that's uncomfortable.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I love that you say getting regularly uncomfortable, like the gym and physically, because I do think physically is something you can regularly get uncomfortable with all the time.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: We don't always like, yes, it will always be challenging stuff in life and moments that come up, but like on a day-to-day basis, you can always pretty much get uncomfortable physically, whether that is strength training or even trying something new.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like maybe you're more of a Pilates person.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: Is that because you're scared of uncomfortable of going to the gym and lifting heavy or vice versa?
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: Or is it boxing or is it running?
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_01: And running actually makes you uncomfortable because you're more used to Pilates.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like I feel like there's so many, even within the physical, that people can start to get uncomfortable.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: And like you said, with the burn, I talk a lot about this.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: Most people stop there and I'm like, no, that's where the they go right to the edge.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, okay, got a little uncomfortable.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, but you didn't blow past it.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: So if we didn't get to the point where it's like full technical flare and shaking, then we don't actually get to the point where you expand.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: You just went right up to the edge and then you backed away.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: And this is what I feel.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know if you feel this.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people go to the edge and back down.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: They go to the edge and back down, and they're like, but I'm doing it.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, no, you're going to the edge.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then right before you break through the next level, you back down.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, there's so many things.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, there's a couple things that I want to say.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: One is I love this concept of intentionally seeking out discomfort.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is an important call out.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: We live in a world at a society, right?
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: Where we don't ever actually have to be uncomfortable, right?
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: We can order our groceries to be delivered.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: We can, you know, everything is kind of taken care of for us in so many ways.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we can take the elevator, we don't need to take the stairs.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and it's normal, right?
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's human psychology, it's human nature that the default is going to have you seeking the comfort rather than discomfort.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to like really hammer this point home because it's like we brought up the physical example.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: Think about like in a friendship situation.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say like you and I are like having a bit of like a conflict.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can tell there's some tension, right?
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: The more uncomfortable option in the short term is to have a direct conversation with you about it and say, hey, you know what, Liv, like this thing that you did really didn't like feel good to me and I want to talk about it.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: That is very uncomfortable in the moment.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: However, it can create so much more connection and actually a much more authentic version of a friendship versus the option to just kind of silently withdraw, much more comfortable in the moment, but long term, that is going to create disconnection.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to create maybe like the loss of the friendship over time and never really having the ability to actually like conflict repair.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I think it shows up in my point is like it shows up in so many different ways.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the more that we can train ourselves through, you know, physical, physical things, but then also like relationally in every area, really ask yourself like, where am I trying to avoid discomfort?
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: And can I actually lean into that, knowing that that is going to create a much more comfortable situation in the long term?
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: I love that you brought in like the relational examples.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like, yes, you can do it physically, but you can do it in your friendships.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: You can do it in your romantic ones.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: What about also like career, social media?
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: If you create content online, it's like, well, you could just create content that's safe, that the doesn't make you feel uncomfortable or say the not uncomfortable thing.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: Or you could go and say the uncomfortable thing.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's actually your opinion.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_01: You can have the uncomfortable conversations.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: You can do so.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_01: There's so many ways that I think on a day-to-day basis, like opportunities that people have to like get uncomfortable.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: That I think if you start doing them daily, weekly, quarterly, like whether it's pitching yourself or something, starting a podcast, writing a book, content, like I don't know, maybe you want to start a product-based business, whatever it is.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you just want to move across the country.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_01: But there's so many, I think, both macro, but also these little micro opportunities, like you were saying, to really expose ourselves, get uncomfortable, and kind of like really build that muscle.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_01: And then you actually get used to being uncomfortable and it doesn't feel as like scary.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: But I think what happens is people wait until they fully feel it before they actually go and get uncomfortable.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know if you agree, but I feel like sometimes people are not willing to look bad at doing something.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: Or they're not willing to look like a beginner, yes, or to not be great at it at first.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember it wasn't too long ago, Layla Hermozzi was talking about how she avoided going online for so long because she was gonna be a beginner at it.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_01: And then she finally called herself out and was like, stop being a little bee, like you're just scared of being bad and you will be bad.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: So just go be bad.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so glad you brought this up.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: I I find this really interesting because, first of all, we can't turn off to life.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: And just because you've like mastered the ability to expose yourself in one area doesn't immediately everywhere.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: You have to constantly be catching yourself.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: And like I've caught myself in this recently where it's like in certain areas, I've gotten really good at like honestly giving no Fs.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just like, I don't care.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know who I am, I'm really confident, da-da-da-da.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: But then I I see myself in another area, like self-sabotaging basically, because I'm in that free state of like afraid to fail publicly, afraid to look like a beginner, afraid to, you know, X, Y, or Z thing.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what I always come back to when I like am sort of walking myself through that and like holding my the my inner child's hand is like, what are we actually afraid of?
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: And when you realize that, again, you're just afraid of this of a temporary feeling of discomfort.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're literally afraid of an emotion.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so interesting because it's like emotions are just felt sensations in the body that are trying to be temporary, that we make permanent by avoiding them, first of all.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: And when you realize that, like, okay, even just like the idea of failing publicly or being rejected or being exposed, like what are you actually afraid of?
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: Most of the time, you're afraid of like a physical sensation in your own body that is probably gonna pass in like a number of minutes.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you really like distill it down like that, you can see how silly it is.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, even from a logical perspective, it's like, why would I cut off the potential for like all of these blessings just to avoid this like very short-term temporary pain?
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: Only if you're not used to having short-term temporary pain.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: I want to tell another story.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: So when I I started like my social media, um, like started actually posting consistently last November.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's funny that you brought this up because I was just reflecting on this.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, like a month into posting consistently, I had a video go super viral.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I like went from like 400 followers to like 10K in like 72 hours.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that video was like something that was very scary for me to post.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: It was a video of like the the headline was like, I'm 30 years old, here's why most men won't date me.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a list of things.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I love that.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: They were things that I was very self-conscious about, actually.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, this one we didn't talk about in the sort of break off the engagement story, but you know, can just for context for anyone listening, I am one of seven kids.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: All of my siblings, except for my youngest brother, who's like a baby, are married.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone got married young.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody is like on this path.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've always wanted to get married and have my own kids.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I think for some people, it's like it wouldn't sound like a big deal.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: But like for me to be 29, breaking off an engagement was like terrifying.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was like, I don't, how am I ever gonna like whatever?
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: So, my point in saying that is like actually sharing the fact that I'm like 30 years old, I'm single, and like these are the reasons why people don't date me.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was a scary thing to post.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that was the thing that like completely skyrocketed my account, my platform, like my ability to have an impact, my ability to reach people with the things that I actually want to say.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember when that first happened to talk about uncomfortable.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like I called my closest friends crying.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I wanted to shut it all down.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like about to delete the video.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, don't do it.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because I was so overwhelmed, right, by this feeling.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: But glad you brought up like the nervous system regulation.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: It really is that, right?
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you have to develop the emotional skills to calm yourself down and regulate through expansion.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because again, it's like all these things, like everyone thinks they want that.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: You would look at that, and I remember like I would look at that and be like, why would you be, why would you feel like overwhelmed about like growth like that?
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: You don't expect that it's gonna happen, but it really is like your nervous system needs time to recalibrate to a new level of visibility, expansion.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, obviously with disability, there's lots of people loving on you and there's lots of people hating on you.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: So there's all of this sort of like stuff that happens that you might think that you're ready for, but like you really have to get tested in it and kind of like recalibrate to it.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so um, yeah, I think it's just I I really resonate with this a lot and just hammering down the point that like doing the uncomfortable thing is always the right answer.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's always going to be like the portal into what the next level for you, whatever that means.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: Did you get a lot of hate on that video?
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, totally.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, because like if you said this is the reason that they won't date me, and then maybe that someone had that same thing, then they got defensive of like No, it wasn't even that.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: It was more like incel comments, like men in the comments commenting on my appearance, commenting on you're gonna be single forever, cat lady, this, that, and the other.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, oh yeah.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, since of that.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: The the men the the men on the internet, the comments from like the no-profile picture of men, the troll.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, totally, totally.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: But that's the thing, right?
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: Is like I'm so glad that that happened because it's like it's interesting.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now I actually don't care, but I did care, right?
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, even though it's like logically, and you can look at it and you can be like, it's so clearly that people are projecting their own insecurities onto me.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I know it's not really about me, but the first time it feels so destabilizing.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I I needed to go through that though, to be like, okay, you know what?
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: I actually can regulate through this.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: Can I have the emotional skills?
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the other thing I've realized too.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, this isn't gonna be relevant for everybody, but people like you, people like me.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: Anyone who feels like part of like your purpose is to be visible.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like in order to actually fulfill your purpose and have the impact that you're supposed to have, it's going to require visibility.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: You have to get comfortable with that.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's, you know, so many different ways that people say this, but this whole idea of like, it's actually not the flex that you think it is to be universally liked, right?
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: To be universally liked is to be like very um vanilla and not really like be saying anything interesting.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like in order to be truthful and authentic, like it's impossible to be liked by everybody.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there are gonna be people, and this was the case with that video, right?
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: There are so many people in my DMs, in my comments, like, you know, resonating with it.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for posting this.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: I feel so seen by this, da-da-da-da-da, like whatever.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then there were also people getting angry.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that is just, you know, par for the chorus.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I it's like the cost of doing business, but it's also it's good because it teaches you not to internalize these things.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like you can actually see everything as like, and this is the case, you know, whether it's social media or not, but even just like as you go about your life, I think you have to really be aware of, you know, being high integrity and you know, and all of that, but like you know you, and just because somebody isn't like responding well to something that you're saying doesn't mean that you're wrong or it's even necessarily about you.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like people are always, and we do this to other people too.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone is always projecting their own stuff back onto each other, and everyone's like a mirror for each other.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think seeing everything in that way, and again, that's why it's important, like coming back to the idea of self-trust and self-respect and self-confidence.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think one thing that people a lot of people get wrong, and I had to call myself out on this big time, like right after breaking off my engagement.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: I had a couple of things that really helped me realize that I've always considered myself a confident person.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an Aries, I've got like fire energy.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like people would pretty much, I think, always from the outside look at me and say, Oh, she's so confident.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I realized that at that moment, 95% of my confidence came from external validation.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't real confidence built from I actually know myself, love myself, respect myself.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: And like, how do you build that?
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: You show up for yourself, you take the leaps of faith, you prove to yourself that you can make it work.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like all of those different things.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: You you show up for the things that you say you're gonna show up for, you're a good friend, you're a good sister, you're a good daughter.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like you show up for other people in the way that you admire and you respect in somebody.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's so important to delineate like different types of confidence because and I'm sure everyone listening in one way or another can feel confident because of external validation or external circumstances.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, oh, I feel confident in my body when it's like this.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know, I've had a lot of clients become pregnant and then they're not confident in their body because their body shifts.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm confident in my ability online, people are liking it and you know, commenting good things, but then I get destabilized if someone doesn't agree with my truth.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I feel confident in business when I'm having my greatest month or like it's the highest month ever.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: Great, but when it's slower, like you don't.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_01: So I love that you brought that up because to me, if the confidence isn't also in the more challenging times, or the times you're being stretched, or the times you're really being asked, like, are you actually confident to your core or are you confident because of these external things?
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_01: It really starts to reveal some of the gaps that you have and where you perhaps need to fill those true confidence gaps because it will be revealed to you pretty quick.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, 100%.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where I think it's like this concept of like ignore the metrics, which is what I always tell anyone.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: If anyone's like starting on social media, that's my first thing, is like ignore the metrics.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: Cause it's like you actually need to stop focusing on the views, the likes, how other people are responding to what you're saying.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what matters is like, do you feel like this is true for you?
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel like you are actually speaking truth?
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning, again, thought integrity to me is three parts.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_00: Your thoughts match your words.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: You say what you actually think.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_00: Your words match your actions.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: You act in accordance with the things that you say.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: If any of those three things are not in alignment, that is by the way, when you talk about like authenticity, I feel like that word gets thrown around a lot.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_00: Authenticity.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: I do believe that that is really important.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe that everybody is an energy reader.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody, whether they can pinpoint it or not, put their finger on it or not, people read energy.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: And what makes somebody so magnetic that you like meet them and you're like, I want to spend more time with you, it's that.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's when those three things are in alignment.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you radiate this like light of true confidence, which is inherently magnetic.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: When any of those things are not in alignment, people feel that too.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it feels like dissonance and it feels like incongruence and it's not a nice healing.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_01: I love that you brought this up because like truth is actually one of the strongest frequencies.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_01: Truth is actually a stronger frequency than love.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_01: And when people aren't in their full truth or they're operating in a half truth, and then they wonder why they're not fully magnetic, it's like because you're not in your full truth, whatever that full truth is.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you're in your full truth, it's naturally going to create the opposite effect of people who don't agree with your truth.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_01: But I think even people like Taylor Swift, there's a ride or die for Taylor Swift.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_01: So people love her or hate her, but she's fully in her truth.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_01: You can't argue about that.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_01: Totally.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_01: So I love that you bring this up in terms of truth and magnetism, because I mean, it is so true about the more you are really in your truth, whatever that is, the more magnetic you will be.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're not operating in the fullness of that, and people that ends up translating to authenticity, people feel that.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_01: And then so that's why I think people misunderstand in terms of as long as you're in your truth, you will be magnetic for the people you're for.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_01: For example, like Taylor Swift.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_01: The people who are for Taylor Swift are like ride or die, they feel like they would gale for Taylor Swift.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's so funny.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_01: And the people who hate are hate her, but it's only because of that scenario.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, totally.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think are the main things that stop people from actually doing that?
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like from being truthful.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_01: I think they're scared of being exposed.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_01: They're just they're really scared of being misunderstood and being, you know, either rejected and or getting some sort of hate or people not agreeing, agreeing, right?
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you're in your full truth, it's very exposing.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_01: You're putting your heart on the line.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_01: You're putting, this is all of me.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_01: This is what I believe, this is my full truth.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_01: And that can be a very naked feeling.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_01: And so when you're that naked and someone points and goes, ha, no, or you're wrong, it feels so much worse.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_01: And then you're just like, oh, I'm just like a little bit, oh, I'm just gonna like, oh, this is what I think, like, I think this could be good versus no, this is it.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_01: You're welcoming all that in.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_01: And for the nervous system, that's a lot to welcome in because you're welcoming in the potential yes for good and people loving you and that, but you're also welcoming in the equal opposite potential.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, true.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think about like, and this is something I've only just started to dive into and understand, but I think one component of it, at least in my experience, has been kind of again when you rely too much on external validation, you can't fully be in your truth because you recognize that like you need other people to, you know, be on board with what you're saying.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's an element of filtering.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think also, though, there's an element of like owning your shadow, right?
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because I when you said the word exposed, I was really like, ooh, that feels to me like this concept of, you know, everybody has these kind of like shadow elements of themselves, like things that they are inherently kind of insecure about.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like actually excavating those rather than avoiding them, but like looking at them, putting a spotlight on them, and like accepting them and being like, okay, this is like I'm gonna reintegrate this into me.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is the hardest part.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is like the like this is like the final level of like whatever you want to call it, like inner work or like really kind of healing that aspect of you.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I feel like that is something I've been thinking about more and more as it pertains to just, yeah, like nervous system regulation and really kind of like the ability to step into who you are fully without any of these sort of fears that kind of block you from actually moving in the direction that you want to go.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_01: I want to circle back to when you were talking about letting go and like the surrender, because I think that is an important part, even when you're stepping into your truth, is to let go, surrender, and also not necessarily needing it all figured out, even tying back to what you were saying in the beginning, you just took the first step in terms of leaving the relationship.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_01: You didn't need to figure everything else out.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I think sometimes when people start listening to their truth, or they try to listen to their truth, they're like, all right, I'm listening.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_01: And then they start controlling, yeah, micromanaging on the other end.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_01: How do you, and you can bring your all goes deep into your faith if you feel like that's like the largest part of it, anything's welcomed, but how you really let go and surrender, where it's like, all right, I'm trusting, taking truth, listening, but at the same time, I'm not then going into gripping, yeah, which I feel like a lot of people do.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_01: If they're gonna pendulum swing into listening to themselves, then they also go into grip, micromanage, control.
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I love that you brought that up.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so the first thing that I'll say is any everything that I'm about to say is as somebody who for most of my life has been extremely type A, extremely controlling, you know, history of eating disorder, like every kind of per physical manifestation of like needing to control every single outcome, which by the way, showed up in my relationships, showed up in, you know, all these different areas.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to say that first because I want people to understand that, you know, this is possible for everybody, not that I'm perfect, okay, but I've definitely my entire perspective on surrender and control has changed.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna go into that.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to be so clear that like I was not born this way, okay?
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was born extremely, you know, controlling and wanting things to be a certain type of way and really feeling like if I wasn't micromanaging and handling everything, then everything would go to SHIT.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I do want to talk a little bit about my faith journey because I feel like this is really relevant and it's important for me.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_00: I have always been, I've never been an atheist.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_00: My kind of religious background, I was raised Jewish.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_00: My dad had a um really like amazing conversion experience when I was 13 and he came to believe that Jesus Christ is the Messiah.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_00: We started going to church.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_00: It was kind of like a little, it was a little confusing for me as a kid.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_00: So I would say like I never really felt um like I belonged in any one religion uh as a kid, but I always believed in the idea of a God.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't, though, have a personal relationship with God until uh about a year before breaking off my engagement.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_00: Things had happened.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_00: I was feeling, you know, really like stressed about the situation.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_00: Again, kind of knowing like this didn't feel good to me, but really feeling stuck.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how could I possibly actually leave at this point?
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I've invested so much in this relationship.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_00: We're engaged, I'm living with this person, this, that, and the other.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember I was on a walk at night by myself, which was something I had started to do quite often.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like listening to music.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, the kind of long of the short of that story is I had a really remarkable experience, a physical sensation where I broke down in tears.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_00: And the best way I could describe it, there's no voice, but I felt the presence of God truly for the first time, right?
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I had understood conceptually, I believe that something higher than me exists.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_00: But for the first time, it felt like someone embracing me, holding me.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_00: And there weren't words, but like the kind of message underneath it was, I've got you, everything's gonna be okay.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_00: I had no idea what to make of this situation, by the way.
• 43:39
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't tell anybody about it.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_00: This happened.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_00: It was like really intense physically and emotionally for me, but I didn't really know what it was.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_00: But I understood in that moment, like that was the presence of God.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I understood in that moment, like, oh, God is actually to some extent, I don't understand exactly how, but God is like here.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like He's not just like, it's not just like this idea of this like.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: Energy, like, no, there's like a presence around me that is here.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that was sort of like the beginning of, you know, me connecting to my intuition, which, and we'll go into this, but I recently have come to understand it's the same thing that people talk when we talk with the Holy Spirit, like it's all the same thing.
• 44:17
  SPEAKER_00: But me sort of really starting to get messages and get downloads and synchronicities and signs and all these different things and having like, I would call it like, even though it was a challenging time, like a playful relationship with a higher power where I was in constant communication with God at this point.
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was praying every day.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was like seeing, you know, messages and hearing messages and experiencing messages.
• 44:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that was kind of like the beginning of my kind of walk with God.
• 44:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that's important because I don't know if I could have actually like taken the leap without faith as the foundation.
• 44:51
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever that looks like for somebody, for me, surrender is the opposite of control, right?
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so, how do you surrender if you don't think that like something has your back?
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so, you know, my faith journey since then has also evolved, and we can get into that or not.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I think in terms of like what's relevant to this specific conversation, I do feel like feeling connected to a higher power and really understanding on like a metaphysical level, like I'm genuinely not alone and I don't actually have to micromanage in control was huge for me.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_00: And the good thing is you have to have enough faith to test this theory, but you actually don't have to go on blind faith.
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you can have enough faith, faith in must receive.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, faith and must receive to start experimenting living your life that way, meaning trying, intentionally trying to connect to a higher power, getting quiet, getting still.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then when you get an instinct, right?
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_00: I can call it like a ping, you can call it like a feeling.
• 45:50
  SPEAKER_00: When you get an instinct to do something that doesn't make logical sense, again, micro movements, right?
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, it would be like, I would get a ping to like go to a different coffee shop that day, or I'd get a ping to like go a different like way home from where from work.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like the little pings, you start to listen to the little pings, you will notice that whenever you're listening to the little ping, something seemingly magical happens.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_00: You meet somebody that you're supposed to meet, a business opportunity opens up.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's crazy.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why it's like I encourage people listening.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, don't take my word for it.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, don't take my word for it, but experiment with it.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of that was my journey.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, over like a couple of years, I feel like God was like priming me for the big reveal because it was like I opened enough to at least consider that it might be possible that surrender could be the right path, right?
• 46:39
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't fully bought in, but I started to play with it, experiment with it, and I just got confirmation after confirmation after confirmation.
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so again, it's a muscle.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_00: Self-dress is a muscle, faith is a muscle.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_00: You build the muscle over time until you know you get to a point where you have enough like evidence behind you to really actually fully move with faith and everything.
• 47:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and by the way, I'm not perfect.
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like I still get stressed about things, I still get, you know, scared about things.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_00: I still find myself sometimes like in this grip, wanting to control, but that's okay.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like we're human, you just like become aware of it and you have to intentionally, like consciously really talk yourself off that ledge and to remind yourself that every time you've let it go, every time you've like followed the sort of like gut feeling on it, the intuition feeling on it, it always brings you to the right result.
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, too, like the amazing part.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you've experienced this too.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_00: It often creates scenarios that you could never have access with your logical mind.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_01: Never, you never could have planned it all out, you never could have like orchestrated the no, you you never could have, but you only see it looking back, you don't see it looking forward.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_01: You only Steve Jobs says, you only connect the docs looking back, right?
• 47:51
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_01: I've that speech is amazing.
• 47:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I love how you also brought in like the relationship in terms of like the reps, but it's also like a relationship, like a relationship with your own trust, like we were talking about earlier, a relationship with faith, God, source, spirit, whatever you want to call it.
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_01: You have to build that relationship.
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're not building that relationship, and like you said, you don't need a ton of faith.
• 48:10
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to jump into the deep end, follow the breadcrumbs, faith of my like it has to be small, but start doing that.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_01: You start building the relationship, you start building more faith, and then you then just have faith, yes, because you've built the evidence, but you started building the evidence on more of these smaller things, and then you get all this proof, and the nervous system loves proof, it's prediction machine, and then it gets stronger and stronger and stronger.
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_01: But you also have to, and maybe you'll agree, maintain that relationship.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_01: Kind of like you'd have to maintain muscles.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, oh, I didn't just do it once or twice.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_01: Muscles are here, now it's here forever.
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, no, we maintain this relationship, we keep trusting, we keep going.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_01: And just like you were to maintain a relationship, you know, personally with someone physically in front of you, you're also maintaining that relationship with faith, if you agree.
• 48:53
  SPEAKER_00: A hundred percent.
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I I think the other thing too, because again, I think this is so relevant, whether it's about a relationship or something else, or just like this concept of clinging, right?
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone knows what that energy is.
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_00: The energy of clinging to something that like needs to be clung to, meaning like it's not actually like really willing to stay, you're just kind of clinging on to it.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's funny because we think that we're doing ourselves favors.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_00: And again, this is like the whole like self-reliance of like, I can make it work.
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot cling in perpetuity.
• 49:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 49:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, just think about like the the like image of that, like clinging on to something for the rest of your life.
• 49:25
  SPEAKER_00: It is exhausting.
• 49:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it's also just, you know, as scary as it can be to live from a place of surrender.
• 49:34
  SPEAKER_00: I encourage people to just also imagine like how peaceful life could feel.
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's so better when you surrender.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_00: Just like it's okay.
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like let it go, you know, see what else, you know, comes up.
• 49:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because like that's a thing too.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_00: When you're clinging onto something that is desperately trying to exit stage left out of your life, you're blocking whatever else is actually trying to come in, which might not need to be clung to in the first place, right?
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_00: Might just come and land like a little butterfly and stick and stay on your little hand, right?
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_00: Forever.
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to be like grasping it so tight so tightly.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_01: I like to use the analogy of like when you're grasping, you're like grasping onto a hose.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so if water is like the flow in terms of opportunities, money, success, love, but you're gripping on so tightly.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_01: Well, if you were to grip onto the hose, what happens to the water of the hose?
• 50:18
  SPEAKER_01: It stops.
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_01: You want more flow, you gotta release the grip.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's crazy.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_01: Love it.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_01: This has been such like, I feel like we could talk for hours because we're just like, yep, yep.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_01: But I want to kind of wrap this up for everyone listening and kind of close off because this is like the beyond limits show of really what it looks for you and what it means to you to live beyond limits.
• 50:42
  SPEAKER_01: It could be personally, professionally as a whole, but like what kind of comes to your mind and what you want to leave people with in terms of living beyond limits.
• 50:49
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I love that question.
• 50:53
  SPEAKER_00: I think for me, the biggest sort of one of the most important mental shifts that I've had that I feel like has changed my life is moving from seeing life as a test to seeing life as a game.
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean by that is if you think that life is a test, you will often find yourself in a freeze state because any answer, any move, an thing that you could do could be the wrong answer.
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you shift your mentality to see life as a game, you can actually play with your life because every move that you make gives you information about what the right next move is.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so, in that way, this whole concept of failure, this is really important to me.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_00: When something fails, trying and failing at something publicly.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you see life as a game, it's not a bad thing.
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_00: You just want to fail fast and move on, right?
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is an experiment, everything is a game, and it opens you up to live so much more free and also to actually expand your limits of what you think is possible for you.
• 52:05
  SPEAKER_00: I think when we think of life as a test, it's it it kind of sticks you into this box.
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, for me, you know, as far as you and I both know, this is our one chance to be alive.
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so I don't really understand the concept of settling.
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really understand the concept of playing small because literally, what's the point?
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, not to be existential, but like we're all gonna die.
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_00: And at the end of the day, like the last thing you want is to look back and feel like you held yourself back out of fear of, I don't know, being exposed or getting something wrong.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's like everything is a game, everything is fun and light, and you should play with it.
• 52:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if something doesn't work out, you move on to the next.
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_01: I love you.
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_01: I love this.
• 52:46
  SPEAKER_01: I so agree.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_01: I talk about this all the time.
• 52:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like the test, because also when you feel like it's a test, you feel then you have to perform.
• 52:52
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you feel like it's a test in school, there is a right or wrong, and there's pressure, and then of course you want to try to figure it out because if you go left, it's right.
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_01: And if you go, you know, yeah, right, it's wrong.
• 53:03
  SPEAKER_01: There we go.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_01: And if people just thought about it like a game, like if you were playing, I don't know, Mario Kart, you were just like, oh, the banana peel game, okay, come here.
• 53:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like, there's so much uh fluidity, like kind of like you said, I just, I just love what you said, but I just want to let you know that I 100% agree and I feel like you just live happier and there's no more pressure, and you just welcome things in more and you just have a more pleasurable experience by like not thinking about life as a test and more about as a game, and then you have more fun.
• 53:30
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what we're like, it is, I think, supposed to be fun.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe we can close off with that.
• 53:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like I think people think maybe it's not supposed to be fun, and there'll always be challenges.
• 53:38
  SPEAKER_01: Don't get me wrong in life, but when you think of the whole thing as a test, there's a there's a cloud versus like, oh, this is a game.
• 53:46
  SPEAKER_01: This is kind of like supposed to be fun.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you just approach life in a different way.
• 53:50
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, I am not the first person, like I did not coin that like distinction.
• 53:54
  SPEAKER_00: That is something like I've heard talked about, but it stuck with me and resonated with me so much, this idea of like test versus game.
• 54:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I think a lot of us do default to the test mentality where for some reason, like we're wired to believe that there's a right and there's a wrong, and you know, there's all of this, you know, pressure associated with it.
• 54:12
  SPEAKER_00: But thinking about everything as a game, deciding which games you want to play, deciding which games you care to win, you know, that metaphor can take you so much further uh in your life.
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_01: This was so wonderful.
• 54:23
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for coming here, for sharing with us your power, your journey, everything you've been through, your wisdom.
• 54:31
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's gonna resonate with so many of the people watching.
• 54:34
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna leave everything for Brooke down below.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_01: Her Instagram, she also has a fabulous podcast.
• 54:39
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna leave down below.
• 54:40
  SPEAKER_01: Go absorb more of her wisdom.
• 54:43
  SPEAKER_01: Go listen to your truth, stop dismissing it.
• 54:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I cannot wait to see you in the next episode.