Latest / Head Shrink Inc. / How is your Teen doing?

Transcript

How is your Teen doing? · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, Doc David here.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about one of my favorite topics, crazy teenagers.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, they're not crazy, they're just teenagers.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Your Answers to Life, Relationships, and Daily Living.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hello there.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: It is a great spring day today.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's looking great outside.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Not too sunny, some clouds, brisk.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: But wherever you're living, there might be snow even.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's uh April and it's springtime, and there's snow on the ground in other places of the country, but not where I am at currently.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm Doc David.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: I see couples, families, and individuals, usually couples and families.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's kind of where my expertise lies.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to talk about teenagers today.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: I think inevitably I run into families where there's teenagers that parents don't know how to deal with.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times it's, you know, be there's there's a variety of things that come up.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Too much social media, too much electronics, too many video games.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: When I say electronics, I mean like tablets and things like that.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um sketchy friends, you know, the the list goes on and on.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: And these aren't things that are new to um just this present day.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: These are things that have been going on for years.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Now, minus the um electronics, but you know, they had challenges with teenagers back in the 50s.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: So um things just change.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: The the issues of anxiety and getting into trouble and drinking and stuff, that's the kind of stuff doesn't change.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Just the method of what causes those things changes over time.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: So um one of the things that often happens when people knock on my door is that they've just realized, oh man, my teen um is into trouble, or this bad thing has been happening with my teen and I didn't realize it.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so it I've come to the conclusion that one, we need to be students of our teens, and and two, there's a list of common factors that um that I'm gonna give you that can kind of give you an idea that maybe my teens into something and I need to pay a little bit more attention to what's going on with them.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: So without further ado, let's start talking about those things.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: So teens definitely are known for being moody.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: They're their body's going through some crazy changes, hormones are raging, their brain's not fully developed, and so of course they're gonna be sometimes irritable.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: So observation here is like key.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of the things is like, do you notice that your teen is a bit more moody than usual?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um perhaps they're showing a lack of interest in things that they normally would have been super excited about, um, friends that they normally would have wanted to hang out with, they're not hanging out with them, and they're um just kind of sitting up in their room all the time.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: So the these would be signs you think, huh, you should pay attention to because they're not like typically teens want to stay in their rooms, but but it's not an all-the-time thing.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: If there's challenges going on in their life, um their mood is going to become increasing increasingly irritable or they're going to want to avoid interaction in the home a lot.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so what I often tell parents is you should have a uh some kind of standing principle in your home that people can't go hide out in their rooms.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because if people go hide out in their rooms, then you don't have a relationship with them.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: And then if teenagers just kind of go straight to the room, and that's I just had a teen last night that was telling me when I get home, I just go straight to my room.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: And there's challenges in the home, and I understand why they want to go straight to their room.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: But typically I would suggest as the parent you don't allow teens to go to their room um all day, every day, because it cuts out on relationship with them.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: You only get them for four years of their lives really as a teenager, um, and they're gonna be leaving a lot of times at age 18.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: And so you need to help them um figure life out before they leave so then they don't do it on their own and mess up.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: So one of the things I'd encourage you do is pay attention to your kids' mood and know that they're gonna be moody just because that's the stage of life that they're in.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: But setting up some boundaries around how often they can be in their room.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: Can they be in their room with electronics?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want their electronics in their room at night?
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: There's all kinds of things that surround the whole room thing that actually might be a good idea for another podcast to give some specifics around that.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um peer change is another thing to pay attention to.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not talking peer like where boats dock.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking peers as in friends.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh did you like that joke?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: That was a that was my attempt at a joke.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's a dad joke right there.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um so peer change.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: So what we're talking about is um usually there's a group of friends that you want your kid to hang out with, and and typic if you have a typical kid, there's they're probably usually picking good um friends that you like as a mom or a dad and that you don't mind um having them around.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Usually you're wanting your kid to hang out with other like-minded kids, so like kids on the baseball team or you have common interests, right?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Kids that are in the same sports sporting events or same kind of clubs or things like that.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um so what often happens is that teens that are kind of struggling in their lives, they will start making different friends.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um they'll start finding friends that accept them for the problems that they have, whether it's cutting or they'll um or suicide attempts or drinking or smoking weed or things like that.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: They'll find friends that are more accepting of any kind of changes that they're making in in life.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Now, you as a parent, if you're not paying attention, you may think, oh, you know, everyone has a different site set of friends, and they're just looking for a change.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: But um it's something to pay attention to as a as a potential yellow slash red flag that, okay, what's going on here?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because oftentimes they'll pick out friends that you don't want them to hang out with, and the friends that are getting into trouble or doing things that your family doesn't approve of, and there's a reason for that.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's where um having a teenager that's engaged or you're engaged with them in life, you can start having those conversations and kind of understand what's happening.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Again, it goes back to what I talked about earlier.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: If your teen's in their room all the time, uh there's no way you're gonna really know what's going on in their life very well.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, back in my day when there was no electronics, hanging out in your room was pretty boring because it's just you were in your room.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: But now it's like you can have a computer, a TV, a tablet, a phone in your room, and get all the social media in you want.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: I just made that up.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Social media in.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm copywriting that.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so peer change.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's what's something you want to pay attention to.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um so there's a there's this general belief that teens and men um do not communicate too well.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: And there there could be some truth to that, but if you've worked hard to communicate with your kid while you've raised them, then you should notice if there's an issue with communication.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: If you started from a young age being purposeful in communicating clearly with your son or daughter, um, and then all of a sudden, and that's been going well, and then all of a sudden they just kind of clam up, chances are it's not because of being a teenager, chances are something else is going on with them, and that's something you have to pay attention to.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um and if it's intermittent, I you know, there that's going to be expected at times because there's moodiness and they're angry about something or their friend hurt their feelings.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: But if it just becomes a consistent shutting off where you don't know anything about what's going on in their life, that is definitely something to pay attention to and have a conversation with them about.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Now the challenge is if they're cutting you off and not wanting a conversation with you in the first place, it's going to be hard to have a kind of a general confront conversation with them.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: And that's why it's then sometimes helpful to have a third party like me, a counselor, come in and help figure out what's going on with the communication piece.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um a lot of times kids are angry about choices that their parents made, whether it's divorce or drug use or jail time or um, you know, things that are more serious nature.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not talking about like, oh, you grounded me and I'm angry, I'm not going to talk to you now for a year.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's a whole issue into itself.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: If you have a kid that's doing that, that there's issues in your relationship.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm I'm talking more specifically about if you have a kid that normally talks and then all of a sudden just clams up, that's that's a kid that you need to think, okay, what's what's going on here?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um to the next one.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Drugs.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's always an obvious one.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like if if you have a once sober child that starts experimenting with drugs or alcohol, then it's a pretty good bet that there's some issues you need to discuss with them.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um teens often turn to substances, teens and adults, you know, for that matter, often turn to substances to deal with emotional issues.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um or they do it, they turn to drugs and alcohol to be cool or to appear cool with their friends.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so they don't have the emotional maturity or knowledge on how to do it.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: And so a lot of times what happens is they they overdo it and thinking that they can handle it, and then bad things just happen all around.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um these are things that you need to address head on.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: These aren't things that you need to hint at.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you know your kids using alcohol or drugs, you need to have a good clear conversation with them about it, about what's going to be tolerated in your house and what's not going to be tolerated.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Uh what happens to a lot of parents is that they themselves had these drug and alcohol experiences uh when they were younger, and so they don't feel like, oh, well, I did it when I was a teenager, so therefore I can't talk to my kid about this.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna tell you you're wrong.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um if you know as an adult that you shouldn't have done that as a teenager and it was bad for you, then you need to be the one there to protect your kid and and let them know that this is something that's not acceptable for them.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: And even if they say to you, well, you did it, that doesn't matter.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't matter that you did it.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's we're not talking past, we're talking like present right here, right now.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: This is something that they should not be doing because it's a dangerous thing for them.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um so another thing, and this is this is the final thing.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, these things are just kind of like if you study your kid and you see some of these coming up, these are the things that you should be paying attention to to determine if there's an issue going on with your kid.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: So self-control is a biggie.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: So again, brain de this comes in with brain development.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Over and over, it sh there's studies that show, you know, there's certain parts of the of a teenager's brain that's not developed.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: And usually that and that part generally is like related to the self-control piece.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so self-control is something that parents should be teaching their kids from the beginning, like from you know, age two on up, is when you should be teaching your kids self-control.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you're not self-controlled as a parent, it's gonna be awfully hard to teach your kid how to be self-controlled.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm I I would encourage you, if you know you're not self-controlled, that you seek out some help yourself, because that's gonna be the start of your kid learning self-control.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: So during the teen years, it's it's super important for a teen to have self-control because it's a time where parents are trying to give more freedom to their kid, but then they have to like, it's like a push and pull thing, because you give freedom to your kid, but then if they don't make good choices, then you got to take some of that freedom back.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so self-control, like giving more freedom when you see self-control, is a great way to create trust between parents and their kids.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um so when you have a child with no self-control and you allow them to have electronics, internet, phone, um, or YouTube or whatever, you're doing the wrong thing because that kid needs that's not self-control.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: They're kind of willy-nilly going on it whenever they want.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, a lack of self-control is a problem.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: And obviously, you know, if you're listening to this and then you're an adult, you know other adults that have no self-control.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: And usually it shows up in a bar or at a casino or in inappropriate relationships, right?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's where the self-control usually shows up for adults.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, I'll just have two beers and then five beers later, oh, I'm gonna drive home still, and then a DUI happens, right?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: So a teen who lacks self-control, it's a it's a huge problem because those teenagers, they don't have like the wisdom of, I mean, so they're out of control, um, you know, doing whatever they're doing that's that's out of control.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: And then there's so many ramifications from that.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: People can get hurt, they can get arrested, um, bad decisions get made, so they get kicked out of schools and things like that.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so teens need to have some type of internalized self-control at their age.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: And if they don't, that's something that you as a parent need to help them get figured out.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where going to a professional, like a therapist or a counselor or whatever psychologist is gonna be key because that internalized self-control, if they don't have that as a teenager, it's gonna be really hard to instill that in them after they're out of the home when they're doing their own thing.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so that's why I encourage parents always, always, always to start with that self-control um at an early age, because the earlier you can get it ingrained in your kid to have some type of self-control.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: And that that has to do with like eating, even, right?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: Or um talking or verbalizing things, or I it it could be all sorts of things.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I know we get kind of fixated, we as parent, I'm saying a parent, we kind of fixated on like video game playing and internets and and phone stuff.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm talking about eating, exercising, um time spent uh on homework.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there's things like that have nothing to do with electronics that you can still teach kids self-control.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: And the the more you teach them self-control in an earlier age, the easier it's gonna be when they're teenagers to kind of latch on to this idea of self-control.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um so the so these are some of the these are some things that I encourage parents to pay attention to when they're out with their kid and and there's kind of challenges that are going on for them.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um the there could be any number of other things that you know you want to pay attention to as well.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: But these are just a few of the things, and I would love for you to comment and let me know what are some other things that you look for when you're raising your kid.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: Or if you have any questions about some other things, feel free to let me know.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: My email address is hedgehrinkinc at gmail.com and you can find my Facebook page, askdocdavid on uh Facebook or just Dr.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: David Simonson, and leave a message there for me and I will respond.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: Enjoy your April Spring Day, and it's a few years.