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303. The One Skill That Changes Every Hard Conversation · Badass Confidence Coach | Your Personal Trainer for Your Mind

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Hey everyone, welcome to or welcome back to the Badass Confidence Coach.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: Today we are talking about that one nervous system skill that you all need that changes every hard conversation.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: So I am going to teach you that one skill that will help you with every hard conversation you have going forward.
0:27
SPEAKER_00: Is this big promise?
0:29
SPEAKER_00: Big promise.
0:30
SPEAKER_01: Is this one of those podcasts where you tease that and then we don't know until like minute 59?
0:36
SPEAKER_00: Don't you hate when that happens?
0:37
SPEAKER_00: It happens all the time.
0:38
SPEAKER_01: Like, are you gonna actually say it?
0:40
SPEAKER_00: It's like they tease it, tease it, tease it, and then they give you never give the information.
0:43
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I see that all the time on TikTok, and then I just scroll past because it gets so annoyed.
0:47
SPEAKER_00: It's like really, it took you everybody in the comments makes makes comments too.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: It says, like, really, it took you eight minutes to say something you could have said a minute one.
0:56
SPEAKER_00: I know, I agree.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: So this whole episode is gonna be about teaching, okay?
1:01
SPEAKER_00: So I'm not gonna do that to all of you because I can't stand when people do that.
1:05
SPEAKER_00: Time is important.
1:05
SPEAKER_00: We don't have time to to the, you know, to listen, listen, listen for the one thing.
1:10
SPEAKER_01: Sure.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: All right.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: So I want you to think about the last hard conversation that you had that you really screwed up.
1:16
SPEAKER_00: So everybody think about that last conversation they had with someone, and it's like, wow, I really kind of screwed that up.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: I knew better.
1:24
SPEAKER_00: I knew like you knew better.
1:27
SPEAKER_00: You knew you shouldn't have interrupted them.
1:29
SPEAKER_00: You knew you really shouldn't have gotten defensive, but you did.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: It's like I knew I shouldn't have raised my voice at him or her.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't have raised my voice, and I did.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: And then, like, well, it's like I did it.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: I did it, I did it all anyway.
1:44
SPEAKER_00: You know, I didn't intend for that to happen and it happened, and the whole thing.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: Now it's bad.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: Now it's really bad because there's no resolve.
1:51
SPEAKER_00: We just got in a huge fight.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: And you and I have had this happen many times.
1:54
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't think we go to resolve, we we go to resolve a fight, we resolve it, but when we've had like our fights after a fight, our our our discussions after a fight are pretty good, but when we get into it and we're hot about something, man, it and we can, yeah, they can go south quickly.
2:13
SPEAKER_00: And we so we've done this, right?
2:14
SPEAKER_01: It's we have, it's silly, it's all they're all silly, yeah.
2:17
SPEAKER_00: But at the in the moment, they're not silly, they're important to us, and we get heated about something.
2:21
SPEAKER_01: Still silly though, yeah.
2:22
SPEAKER_00: Right?
2:23
SPEAKER_00: So, why does this happen?
2:24
SPEAKER_00: You know, why why do we all do this when we we sort of know better?
2:28
SPEAKER_00: Because knowing communication skills and having access to those skills when you're emotionally activated are two completely different things.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: You can know how to communicate, you can you can I could teach it, you can, you can teach it, you can know it.
2:43
SPEAKER_00: You could read a book, you can listen to a podcast, you can, you know, go on the internet and do your research about how to better my communication skills.
2:50
SPEAKER_00: And I think that then I don't mean to I don't mean to be a smart alec about it, you know, it's that's wonderful if you're doing that.
2:56
SPEAKER_00: And you can be in the moment and with the person and be like, okay, this is I I'm you you know, like I they're okay, this is it's really, really hard, right?
3:10
SPEAKER_00: Because you're activated.
3:12
SPEAKER_00: Those are two very different things.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: So the one skill I'm gonna talk about today is this for all of us.
3:18
SPEAKER_00: We need to learn to downshift our physiological states before we try to solve the problem.
3:25
SPEAKER_00: Or simpler, I would say to you, state before strategy, state before strategy, change your state.
3:32
SPEAKER_00: Change your state, change your state.
3:33
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: And that's a big one.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: Because when your nervous system thinks that you're under threat, what happens?
3:39
SPEAKER_00: Our communication skills get a lot harder to access because our nervous system's like, okay, attack, attack, attack.
3:45
SPEAKER_00: Adrenaline gets going, we're, you know, amygdala's going, that part of our brain that's fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: You know, a lot of times it's fight or flight.
3:53
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm not doing this, right?
3:56
SPEAKER_00: You're you're activated.
3:57
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so hard conversations that we are having, we have had with each other, these are not just, you know, language issues, like the words we say.
4:07
SPEAKER_00: We usually, you know, ask ourselves, you know, what should I say?
4:11
SPEAKER_00: How should I word this?
4:12
SPEAKER_00: Like, how should I word this when I'm gonna go and and talk to this person?
4:17
SPEAKER_00: Or we say to ourselves, like, how do I get them to understand what it is I'm trying to convey to them or trying to get a across of them?
4:25
SPEAKER_00: But before wording comes our physiology, which is something that most of us are not paying attention to, right?
4:34
SPEAKER_00: I mean, you could use the perfect words with someone, but have a threatening tone in your voice.
4:40
SPEAKER_00: You can say, I'm just trying to understand, but your entire body is saying to the person, prepare to die.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: I'm going after you, right?
4:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to understand.
4:51
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, think about the tone.
4:53
SPEAKER_00: And like I say to my clients all the time, and I do believe this, there's almost nothing that we can not say.
5:00
SPEAKER_00: There's almost nothing you can't say to another person, it's the tone.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: Watch your tone, it's the delivery.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's the delivery.
5:07
SPEAKER_01: It's always about the delivery, it almost always is.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's like almost always.
5:12
SPEAKER_01: You can get the information you need to get, and you can attack it a couple attacks, not the right word because that makes it sound because if you but you can go at it a couple different ways.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: Because if you just said to me, like, I'm just trying to understand, you know, like you've said this, like, baby, I'm just trying to understand.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: And the way you've said it to me, I'm like, and I'm and I'm going, no, you're not.
5:31
SPEAKER_00: No, you're not.
5:32
SPEAKER_00: And I am getting more irritated with you.
5:35
SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to understand you.
5:36
SPEAKER_00: No, you are, no, you're not.
5:38
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: You just want to like just want to fight.
5:41
SPEAKER_00: You just want to say what it is you want to say.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: You want to dig your heels into be a be a brat about something, you know?
5:47
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
5:47
SPEAKER_00: Right?
5:48
SPEAKER_00: We do this to each other.
5:49
SPEAKER_01: It's true.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: You know, and then the and then the other, so my nervous system is hearing what you're like picking up, what you're putting down, so to speak.
5:56
SPEAKER_00: So when we are highly activated, so in this scenario, you and I are both highly activated, we're not listening to each other.
6:04
SPEAKER_00: We become worse listeners.
6:05
SPEAKER_00: So that's really, really important to change your state, right?
6:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
6:08
SPEAKER_00: We get defensive, we interrupt each other, you know, we repeat ourselves over and over and over again.
6:14
SPEAKER_00: Like I heard you, I and the, and then the volume goes up, the tone goes up, right?
6:19
SPEAKER_00: We lose, and and really we lose perceptive, we can lose perspective of the whole situation, right?
6:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: You know, John Gottman and and got Gottman theory, you know, his research calls this, I've talked about it many times on here, overwhelm or flooding.
6:35
SPEAKER_00: It's a state of high physiological arousal arousal during conflict.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: And when you're trading in Gottman, and if you're a true Gottman therapist, you have people wear the um pulse oximeter because it shows when the arousal state goes.
6:48
SPEAKER_00: They have pulse oximeters in their office, and you wear it on your finger, and it shows when someone's arousal state is going up and they're getting flooded.
6:55
SPEAKER_00: And that's when you'll pause, and there's things that you'll do as a Gottman therapist.
6:59
SPEAKER_00: So you're not, you're not communicating anymore, you're defending your physiology has changed.
7:06
SPEAKER_00: So that's something to pay attention to.
7:08
SPEAKER_00: That you know, pay attention to your physiology first, you know, slow it down.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: What am I what am I feeling right now?
7:14
SPEAKER_00: I'm feeling tightness in my stomach, my shoulders are tight, my neck is tight, my claw, my jaw is clenched.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: Like I'm noticing, but you have to take the time to notice it when you're getting activated, you're getting to an argument or a fight with someone, with your spouse, your partner, your mom, your brother, your sister, you know, your aunt, your boss, you know, your colleague, a coworker, right?
7:36
SPEAKER_01: So in the moment, are you suggesting you're trying to like take a step backwards, like or sideways, or like what are you suggesting?
7:47
SPEAKER_01: Like we're you're fired up about something, the human instinct is to just continue to push forward.
7:54
SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm gonna get that's my next point.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get I'm gonna get to it.
7:58
SPEAKER_00: Okay, okay.
7:58
SPEAKER_00: So what do you need to do?
8:00
SPEAKER_00: You need to learn your own, like, I'm starting to go signal.
8:05
SPEAKER_00: Like, you need to learn for yourself.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: Each of you need to learn for yourselves what is your like, okay, okay.
8:12
SPEAKER_00: I'm starting to not listen.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm I I'm starting to you say, I'm starting to go, I'm starting to go, I'm starting to go.
8:17
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm starting to check out, I'm starting to get angry, I'm starting to get defensive, I'm starting to feel flooded, overwhelmed.
8:22
SPEAKER_00: I'm starting to feel really discouraged right now.
8:26
SPEAKER_00: What's your signal?
8:27
SPEAKER_00: What is your body telling you?
8:29
SPEAKER_00: So learn that for yourselves, right?
8:31
SPEAKER_00: Everybody has one.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: Everybody does.
8:34
SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe like I said earlier, it's your chest tightening, it's your stomach.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: You a lot of people feel in their gut, because we call the the gut the second brain.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: You're or people feel it in their jaw or their neck.
8:47
SPEAKER_00: I notice this in people in my personal life, and I used to notice this in myself.
8:52
SPEAKER_00: I really had to work at this.
8:53
SPEAKER_00: You start talking faster.
8:55
SPEAKER_00: Notice when people's physiology changes, they start talking faster.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: And that's that's kind of a big thing.
8:59
SPEAKER_00: Or louder.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: That's a big thing in my family of origin.
9:02
SPEAKER_00: If we start talking faster, yeah, and we repeat ourselves because we feel like we're not being heard.
9:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: You know, or you know, people start talking louder.
9:09
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
9:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
9:10
SPEAKER_00: People, their face gets hot.
9:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
9:12
SPEAKER_00: Their face gets hot.
9:13
SPEAKER_00: A lot of people get sarcastic.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: You know, like we know people who get like they get they're starting to, their state is starting to change.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: So what they do is they get kind of nasty, yeah, and they'll use sarcasm.
9:24
SPEAKER_01: Well, okay, can I give you a real life example?
9:27
SPEAKER_01: This is exactly what you're talking about right now.
9:29
SPEAKER_01: Like, like, see, you'll you will get louder, you will you do talk faster, and I will get sarcastic.
9:37
SPEAKER_01: I'll I'll be like, you know, just because you're louder doesn't make you more wrong, right?
9:41
SPEAKER_01: It it doesn't.
9:42
SPEAKER_01: You just you're just you're still wrong.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: We do all of these things.
9:45
SPEAKER_00: Wait, what we do all of these things, yeah.
9:48
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: And it's okay, it's okay that we do these things, we all do these.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: We're human, yeah.
9:53
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: But this go ahead.
9:56
SPEAKER_01: No, so I man, maybe you're gonna get to this, but I think that what would be so helpful because this is not gonna go away.
10:04
SPEAKER_01: Like it's not like like you and I are gonna fix this right now for the world.
10:07
SPEAKER_00: We've worked on it, it's something to work on.
10:09
SPEAKER_01: It's something to work on for sure.
10:11
SPEAKER_01: I I think that what would be a nice takeaway at the end of this, or maybe it's a separate episode, is like I think our our circles for the most part can be defined, are like our our human circles.
10:22
SPEAKER_01: Like you, you and I are within a circle together, like 90% of our week, right?
10:27
SPEAKER_01: And then there's overlaps of all this other stuff, right?
10:29
SPEAKER_01: So because we know that, like wait, do you say 90%?
10:33
SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's more than that, are together.
10:36
SPEAKER_01: Well, together in some fashion, right?
10:38
SPEAKER_01: Like it's not like a like a person that comes in and hey, we see you like twice a month, or we talk to you every so often.
10:43
SPEAKER_01: You and I are talking, like even if we're not sitting next to each other, like yeah, it's it's nice, it's over 90% of the time.
10:50
SPEAKER_01: So knowing that, like I would it's give us a skill, or maybe there's like a safe word, or maybe there's a because like you and I will experience this again before the week's out, right?
11:02
SPEAKER_01: We will have a moment where we're gonna not see exactly the same on something, right?
11:07
SPEAKER_01: So so give us a skill that we can take away today that like like you and I can be like, oh, like I just realized that we're gonna go there right now and like into like some type of like discussion, or you know what I mean?
11:18
SPEAKER_01: But that that we both can then understand that we're both there, right?
11:23
SPEAKER_01: Like, like give us a word, right?
11:25
SPEAKER_00: Pick a like literally give you a word right now.
11:28
SPEAKER_01: Well, no, you like give us a give us a way to like say to the other person, like, hey, we're gonna get into that.
11:33
SPEAKER_01: I really yeah, you you are gonna go there.
11:35
SPEAKER_01: Okay, good.
11:36
SPEAKER_00: I want to finish this piece though, because this is important because I I think it's important for people to understand what it is first inside of them, yeah, that's happening.
11:45
SPEAKER_00: I mean, they we start to get shut down, and that's what's happening.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: You know, what's the word that you're starting to get shut down?
11:50
SPEAKER_00: That's what you're asking for, you know.
11:52
SPEAKER_00: But first you need to know what is what's your MO, what's your modus operandi?
11:56
SPEAKER_00: You know, do you go quiet?
11:58
SPEAKER_00: Like you said, like, do you get sarcastic?
12:00
SPEAKER_00: You can get sarcastic, I can get loud, and I can I can get loud.
12:05
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because I'm it's definitely from my family of origin.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: And it and I've worked really hard on it.
12:11
SPEAKER_00: And it still comes up because it just it's something that's like so entrenched, you know, and I get really mad at you, I get loud because I feel like you're not listening to me.
12:20
SPEAKER_02: Right.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: And your sarcasm, which is which is actually a form of hostility and anger towards me, makes me mad.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, and it just breaks down, it just breaks things down, right?
12:30
SPEAKER_00: Or sometimes we've both done this, you sort of like mentally leave the conversation.
12:35
SPEAKER_00: You just you're still there, but you're you're mentally gone.
12:38
SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: Like, and and that doesn't happen often with us anymore.
12:45
SPEAKER_00: It probably happened in the more in the more in the beginning because it goes to the point where that was a low blow.
12:51
SPEAKER_00: You've gone too far.
12:52
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that was now it's mean.
12:54
SPEAKER_00: Now you're being mean.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: Now that was rude, and that had nothing to do with what we're talking about right now.
12:59
SPEAKER_00: And yeah, I mean, I could do an episode on dirty fighting, uh how to fight fair, you know, and we know the rules about that.
13:06
SPEAKER_00: So it's like, okay, now you brought up something from two years ago, and really you're doing this right now?
13:11
SPEAKER_00: You're you're going there right now?
13:12
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
13:13
SPEAKER_00: Like, what the hell?
13:14
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, and we we have done this, and I'm many, many you all know what I'm talking about, because you all have probably been exactly what we are, you know.
13:22
SPEAKER_00: So the but the earlier that you catch it with each other, the better, you know, because if you wait until you're like at a nine out of 10, which we've been there, you're already in trouble, right?
13:32
SPEAKER_00: So the first skill that I'm teaching you today is simply to notice sooner.
13:37
SPEAKER_00: Notice sooner, right?
13:39
SPEAKER_00: Instead of they're making me crazy, you're making me crazy.
13:44
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
13:44
SPEAKER_00: Try my nervous system, is getting really activated.
13:48
SPEAKER_00: That creates choice.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: That's the difference there.
13:51
SPEAKER_00: My nervous system is getting activated or I'm getting triggered right now.
13:55
SPEAKER_00: So that creates okay, that creates a choice.
13:58
SPEAKER_01: So are you are you verbally saying that?
14:03
SPEAKER_01: Are you identifying that out loud?
14:04
SPEAKER_00: You could say that.
14:05
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you could say that out loud.
14:06
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm getting, I'm getting really activated right now.
14:09
SPEAKER_00: Because I mean, that's something that would be important for actually, yeah.
14:12
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I I'm I think it's important that you first have the awareness inside yourself, like signal.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like notice the signal.
14:19
SPEAKER_00: What's the signal in your body?
14:20
SPEAKER_00: What is this?
14:21
SPEAKER_00: Is somatic, this is like somatic work.
14:23
SPEAKER_00: Like, what what's going on in your body?
14:25
SPEAKER_00: What's happening right now?
14:26
SPEAKER_01: Right.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: And then I could say, like, I'm feeling like my my stomach is bothering me because that'll happen for me.
14:33
SPEAKER_00: Like, my stomach will start churning if I'm really upset.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: And then I could say to you, I could think first and you think to myself, my stomach's getting upset.
14:40
SPEAKER_00: I'm really getting this is activating the hell out of me.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm getting triggered.
14:44
SPEAKER_00: You know, that's number one.
14:46
SPEAKER_00: And then number two is to let you know.
14:50
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
14:50
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
14:51
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
14:51
SPEAKER_00: But let's let's get into this more.
14:52
SPEAKER_01: So and just to to quantify the whole conversation, I don't think you're suggesting, maybe you are, maybe that's where we're going with this.
15:01
SPEAKER_01: I don't think you're suggesting that conversations that turn into disagreements or arguments, you we're trying to create a way where that will never happen.
15:11
SPEAKER_01: Right?
15:12
SPEAKER_01: Right.
15:12
SPEAKER_01: Like like living in like like unicorn land, right?
15:16
SPEAKER_01: When that's not we're not suggesting that there's a way that we're gonna be able to make them go all go away forever.
15:20
SPEAKER_01: Nope.
15:20
SPEAKER_01: Right?
15:20
SPEAKER_00: So there's that's not humanly possible, yep.
15:23
SPEAKER_01: And two, it's a way for us to maybe not allow those conversations to go sideways as much or as far, right?
15:35
SPEAKER_01: Like that's kind of more.
15:36
SPEAKER_00: We're trying to work on that.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: Yes, that's the goal.
15:38
SPEAKER_01: We're trying to make to get a resolution quicker.
15:42
SPEAKER_00: This is this episode today is for each of you to work on yourselves in the context of a relationship.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: Work on yourselves in the context of a hard conversation.
15:53
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we just did an episode several back about how to have hard conversations.
15:57
SPEAKER_00: Now, this is about you.
15:59
SPEAKER_00: This is about you working on yourself, okay?
16:02
SPEAKER_00: So first notice somatically what you're feeling in your body when you're starting to get activated.
16:07
SPEAKER_00: Where is it, right?
16:08
SPEAKER_00: The next is state before strategy.
16:11
SPEAKER_00: Work on your state, okay?
16:13
SPEAKER_00: So this is the main idea.
16:15
SPEAKER_00: The cop, the content, the the argument, the debate, the debate, the thing that you and I are into might be around money, might be around sex, it might be around the kids, it might be around your mother, it might be around your work or my work, or maybe for some of you, it's your boss, you know, the thing your teenager just said that's activated the heck out of you, right?
16:37
SPEAKER_00: But before you solve the content, the content, the situation that happened, you have you have to, or it be this would behoove you to ask yourself, am I in a state right now where I can actually think?
16:51
SPEAKER_00: Am I am I in a state where I can actually think this through?
16:54
SPEAKER_00: If yes, you are, you're okay.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: You, you know, you you're you you understand what's going on inside of you, you you're feeling still pretty calm.
17:01
SPEAKER_00: Okay, then you can keep going.
17:03
SPEAKER_00: If not, if you're getting triggered, if you're like that kid, if that kid says one more thing, I'm gonna that you're like you're you have a 14-year-old teenager who's giving you a lot of sass, and you've just been taking it, taking it, taking it.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: Now you're like gonna blow up with your kid, your 14-year-old son, yeah, or your you know, daughter who thinks you're completely irrelevant to her life, and she's making another smart ass comment to you, and you're like, that's it.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: Okay, you're you're not, don't keep going.
17:28
SPEAKER_00: Then you need to pause, okay?
17:30
SPEAKER_00: And I want you to make an important distinction here.
17:33
SPEAKER_00: Being uncomfortable is not the same as being dysregulated.
17:38
SPEAKER_00: Okay, those are two different things.
17:39
SPEAKER_00: So am I uncomfortable?
17:40
SPEAKER_00: And I you can still keep going forward.
17:43
SPEAKER_00: Am I getting dysregulated now?
17:45
SPEAKER_00: Now I'm getting she's making a smart out comment to me.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: You know, she's being a little brat, and she has been for a few weeks now.
17:51
SPEAKER_00: I'm and I'm in a bad mood because you know, Tim and I got in an argument this morning, and you know, the the guy didn't show up when he said he would was between the out, you know, the window between nine and o'clock in the morning and 12 noon.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: He didn't just show up.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: He showed up at 12:30, and I was not here, and now I've missed the window, but they didn't show up on time and they're not coming for another week to fix the air conditioner.
18:12
SPEAKER_00: You know what you know, it's just life, and now you're like dysregulated.
18:16
SPEAKER_00: Hard conversations are supposed to be uncomfortable.
18:19
SPEAKER_00: That's why we call them hard.
18:20
SPEAKER_00: They're hard.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: It brings up some sort of discomfort in us.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: That's not what I'm talking about.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: You don't need to feel calm.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: You can actually be nervous.
18:29
SPEAKER_00: It's okay to be nervous before a hard conversation.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: They're hard.
18:33
SPEAKER_00: You're you're doing something that you that you don't normally do, right?
18:36
SPEAKER_00: You you can be nervous, you can be angry, you can be sad.
18:40
SPEAKER_00: The question is, though, can I still listen and think and try to think objectively and still choose my response?
18:50
SPEAKER_00: If yes, then okay, stay in it.
18:52
SPEAKER_00: If no, then you gotta take a break from that conversation.
18:54
SPEAKER_00: You gotta take a break from that person, move out of the room.
18:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, some of this is this is like couples therapy, but I use this with everyone.
19:02
SPEAKER_00: I use us, we were just having a conversation.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: We were just having a conversation with friends of ours about the C-suite and about how you work with your employ with your C-suite people, right?
19:12
SPEAKER_00: How you treat them, right?
19:13
SPEAKER_00: This is basic skills, and I was getting a little bit of pushback.
19:16
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, no, no.
19:19
SPEAKER_00: What the way you all handled that situation where that chief, I forget whatever, it didn't matter.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: Chief technology officer was wrong.
19:26
SPEAKER_00: The way you handled that was wrong.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and how did it work for you?
19:30
SPEAKER_00: Well, it didn't.
19:31
SPEAKER_00: He's like, Yeah, it didn't, because two weeks later he was right back at doing what it was that he was doing that everybody's upset about, right?
19:38
SPEAKER_00: Because they handled him and his personality in the wrong way, and he got very, very upset, very defensive, and he was actually really hurt, yeah, and nothing changed two weeks later.
19:50
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think most people would have reacted the same way if you sat in his chair.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: That's why they they need to bring in a coach.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
19:59
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so next, how to have the these are all the skills, all right?
20:04
SPEAKER_01: So this is can I ask a question about that one though?
20:07
SPEAKER_01: So you're talking about evaluating yourself, like your state, right?
20:10
SPEAKER_01: Like taking an inside look, right?
20:12
SPEAKER_01: Right?
20:13
SPEAKER_01: Is there a world where it would be advisable to maybe have a quick analysis of the other person's state before you could that would be ideal if you could do that, but I think it what I'm talking about right now is people get really riled up.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I don't know if if you could stop and be like, How you feeling right now?
20:32
SPEAKER_00: Can you continue with the conversation?
20:33
SPEAKER_00: That'd be wonderful.
20:34
SPEAKER_00: That would tell me your state's pretty calm.
20:36
SPEAKER_00: You could still do this, like, yeah, you can keep going because you're like, no, I can I can still listen and think and and and respond to my wife or my husband right now, if you're my partner.
20:46
SPEAKER_00: If you can't, I don't think a lot of people can say that.
20:49
SPEAKER_00: Ask that question.
20:49
SPEAKER_00: If you can, you can keep going.
20:51
SPEAKER_00: And the other person may say, Oh, well, well, yeah, I can do it, I can do it, or like, no, I'm like really mad right now.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: Why don't we take a break and come back?
20:58
SPEAKER_01: Because I think you could, I mean, there's there's moments along the way, along this path, where if if you're able to, gosh, that I mean that'd be a great skill to have.
21:08
SPEAKER_00: I I think like I think you should this should be taught in school.
21:12
SPEAKER_01: Well, a thousand percent.
21:13
SPEAKER_01: There's a lot of people.
21:14
SPEAKER_00: They are they are they are doing emotional intelligence training.
21:17
SPEAKER_01: But like, yeah, I think there's definitely more to be taught at younger age.
21:21
SPEAKER_00: These are communication skills.
21:22
SPEAKER_00: This is really conflict resolution.
21:24
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
21:24
SPEAKER_00: It's conflict resolution.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: You can also take a break if you need to without abandoning the conversation.
21:30
SPEAKER_00: And this is this is Gottman.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: I this is where I learned this.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
21:34
SPEAKER_00: You could take that break and say, you know, Gottman recommends taking a break when you're feeling fluttered or overwhelmed.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: You know, often it can be at least 20 minutes, take a 20 minute break to allow your physiological arousal to come back down.
21:47
SPEAKER_00: That's how long it can take.
21:48
SPEAKER_00: So take a 20 minute break.
21:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
21:50
SPEAKER_00: Go in the other room, you know, go to the bedroom, go to the bathroom, go outside, take a walk.
21:55
SPEAKER_00: Just do something.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: You know, go sit on the deck, go sit on the porch, take a 20 minute break.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Think through, try to get yourself to calm down, then come back.
22:03
SPEAKER_00: You know, a break is not like fuck you, I'm done.
22:07
SPEAKER_00: Like, screw you.
22:08
SPEAKER_00: That's not a break.
22:09
SPEAKER_00: All right, everybody.
22:11
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's not a door slam.
22:13
SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm out, I'm gone, I'm out, and you like leave and drive away in the car, and they don't, you know, your partner doesn't know when you're coming back.
22:19
SPEAKER_00: That's not regulation.
22:20
SPEAKER_00: Or you slam the door, you leave the room at the office, and everyone's like, Where'd he go?
22:25
SPEAKER_00: Where'd they go?
22:26
SPEAKER_00: Where are they?
22:26
SPEAKER_00: We're like in the middle of this, and you just got so defended.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: Like, where to go?
22:30
SPEAKER_00: That's not it.
22:31
SPEAKER_00: That's not it.
22:31
SPEAKER_00: That's not what I'm talking about.
22:33
SPEAKER_00: You know, that's not regulation.
22:34
SPEAKER_00: You know, a useful break when things are getting heated sounds more like I'm getting really triggered right now, and I'm getting, or I would say it's triggered, I think, is overused.
22:45
SPEAKER_00: I would say I'm getting really upset right now, or I'm getting way too activated to do this well with you.
22:51
SPEAKER_00: I can't do this well.
22:52
SPEAKER_00: You know, say those words, find a way to start saying those words.
22:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm getting too activated to do this well right now.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: You know, want to I want to finish the conversation, but I need 20 minutes.
23:01
SPEAKER_00: Like I've said for as long as you've been doing the podcast, because I've been saying it forever, based on my training.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: You can take a break.
23:09
SPEAKER_00: You know, sometimes I have when I was doing couples work, I had them have a signal for each other, like we'd do it in a session together in a neutral time.
23:16
SPEAKER_00: If not in a session, then find that moment and talk about like what we talked about in our session together with Anna.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: What will it be?
23:23
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's a hand raise, sometimes it's like it's just this.
23:27
SPEAKER_00: It's like, I'm overwhelmed, I'm flooded right now, I'm agitated.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: It's like then your partner knows, all right, it's time to take a break.
23:33
SPEAKER_00: We're taking a 20-minute break.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: You have to come back to the conversation though.
23:36
SPEAKER_00: You can't just leave, you can't abandon the conversation.
23:39
SPEAKER_00: This sort of that's a rule in in couples.
23:43
SPEAKER_00: You have to come back to the conversation.
23:44
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, for a lot of couples, a signal was just hand up, like, all right, I I and like I can keep going, but it doesn't matter.
23:51
SPEAKER_00: Your partner cannot keep going and it's gonna go south.
23:53
SPEAKER_00: So take a break and come back, all right?
23:55
SPEAKER_00: That last, the last piece really does matter, the hand up, or whatever your signal is to each other, because what you convey to the other person is I want to come back.
24:03
SPEAKER_00: I want to finish this conversation because the conversation matters, you matter.
24:07
SPEAKER_00: And and this is all very personal to people, right?
24:10
SPEAKER_00: We say don't personalize.
24:11
SPEAKER_00: This is where it's hard.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: This is your, especially if it's in your personal life, these are intimate relationships.
24:17
SPEAKER_00: It does matter.
24:17
SPEAKER_00: You know, I want to come back.
24:19
SPEAKER_00: You know, I you're just what you're doing is you're stepping away from the conflict, not from the person, right?
24:26
SPEAKER_00: And when you go into that break, don't rehearse your closing argument.
24:29
SPEAKER_00: Don't do that.
24:30
SPEAKER_00: And I and I know a lot of you are like, well, that's what I would do.
24:32
SPEAKER_00: Well, I think that's what everybody don't rehearse your closing argument because the point is to not win, air quote, win the arg, you know, the debate, the argument.
24:42
SPEAKER_00: You just spend 20 minutes thinking about what an asshole they are.
24:45
SPEAKER_00: You're not regulating, you're still dysregulated.
24:48
SPEAKER_00: Like, sure.
24:49
SPEAKER_00: That's what I go outside and spend all that time like he does he talk, you know, like no, no, no.
24:54
SPEAKER_00: You're just marinating in your anger.
24:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's that's not the point of it.
24:58
SPEAKER_00: Go for a walk.
24:59
SPEAKER_00: I say take a shower, take a cold shower.
25:01
SPEAKER_00: That could be really helpful.
25:02
SPEAKER_00: Sit outside, listen to music, move your body, slow your breathing, do some breathing techniques.
25:08
SPEAKER_00: I know I've talked about that here on the podcast.
25:10
SPEAKER_00: Get your physiology out of threat mode.
25:12
SPEAKER_00: Because if you're still going, that person's an asshole, then you're still in threat mode.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: You gotta find ways to work with your body, the somatics of your body to get yourself out of feeling threatened.
25:22
SPEAKER_00: So move, do something, go outside, listen to the birds, listen to music that's good for you, that's soothing, that's calming music for you, to get yourself back to a regulated state.
25:33
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
25:33
SPEAKER_00: As best you can.
25:34
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
25:35
SPEAKER_01: So, all right, so hold on.
25:36
SPEAKER_01: So let me finish the thought.
25:37
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
25:37
SPEAKER_01: And then let me talk about that too.
25:39
SPEAKER_01: So if you're able to assess the other person before you get into something like this, I think that would be amazing, right?
25:47
SPEAKER_00: How do you well?
25:48
SPEAKER_01: So if there's something that's gonna like there's an there's something brewing, yeah, right, and maybe it's just brewing in your own head and your partner, let's just stay within that circle, right, for a second.
25:58
SPEAKER_01: Something's brewing in my head, you have no idea, and I'm all fired up about it, but I can see you're in, you're not in the mindset to have that conversation.
26:09
SPEAKER_01: Right.
26:09
SPEAKER_01: If I can like grab hold of my reins of my own self for a second and say, hey, hang on, this is not the time because you're not ready for this, right?
26:18
SPEAKER_01: Right, I think that would be amazing.
26:20
SPEAKER_01: Think of all the arguments, all the big time conversations that could have gone a different way because the person that has the agenda or has the beef or has the whatever was able to analyze the other person and be like, uh, not the time, not now.
26:35
SPEAKER_00: You've done that many times with me.
26:37
SPEAKER_00: Many, many times you said to me, not the time.
26:39
SPEAKER_00: And I have said, I know back to you, I'm not not the time.
26:42
SPEAKER_00: Like I'm I'm actually reading something.
26:45
SPEAKER_00: That's what will often happen is you want to get into it.
26:47
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, not the time, because I'm doing work for my work, my profession, or I'm or I'm just like, I don't want to have this conversation.
26:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm like online shopping because I'm taking my break from work, and I don't want to have this conversation right now because I need to chill from my life.
27:02
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
27:03
SPEAKER_00: Right.
27:04
SPEAKER_01: No, I so I think that'd be an amazing way to walk through this.
27:08
SPEAKER_00: I think it's important for couples, for people to or or couples, and I don't mean just romantic relationships.
27:13
SPEAKER_00: I mean like two people.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: I think it's really important for a person to say that to another person to say, hey dad, I can't, I can't do this right now.
27:20
SPEAKER_00: Can we talk later?
27:21
SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, like when you're an adult child, like I can't talk about this right now.
27:25
SPEAKER_00: I have to go pick up the kids, or I can't, I can't do this right now.
27:28
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to do this on the phone.
27:30
SPEAKER_00: This is not a phone conversation.
27:31
SPEAKER_00: Can we talk this weekend?
27:32
SPEAKER_01: Right.
27:33
SPEAKER_00: You know, or yeah, it's I think that it's important, who no matter who it is, to say, I'm not in a state where I can do this right now.
27:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm just I I've had a terrible day or I'm stressed out, or you know, I just I need to focus on something, or else I'm you know, about to go play, you know, pickleball.
27:50
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, can't do this right now.
27:51
SPEAKER_00: Can we talk later?
27:52
SPEAKER_00: Right.
27:53
SPEAKER_01: And even better running into a meeting.
27:55
SPEAKER_01: Even better if the other person could see that and be like, Sometimes I don't know.
28:01
SPEAKER_01: Well, but but get better then.
28:03
SPEAKER_00: No, they're not mind readers.
28:04
SPEAKER_00: No, the other no, Tim.
28:06
SPEAKER_00: That's a thought that's another thought distortion.
28:08
SPEAKER_00: You don't do we didn't get better.
28:10
SPEAKER_00: No, it's up to us to convey what it is, our state, to the other person.
28:14
SPEAKER_00: You know, not get better.
28:16
SPEAKER_00: No, it's up to us to convey our state.
28:18
SPEAKER_00: I'm not in a headspace right now.
28:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm not in the headspace to have a conversation with you.
28:23
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the other person should not air quote shouldn't, but I think shouldn't know.
28:28
SPEAKER_01: I think there are people, and we're gonna continue with this little bubble right here, you and me.
28:33
SPEAKER_01: Like, I think that I know you well enough that I should be able to come to a spot where I can say, hey, you know what?
28:41
SPEAKER_01: She's not ready or she's not in a spot right now to even have this conversation.
28:46
SPEAKER_01: It's it should then be put back on me to say, hey, pause for myself, talk to myself, pause, don't have it.
28:53
SPEAKER_01: Let's have it later, let's have it tomorrow, you know, let's have it this week.
28:57
SPEAKER_01: Like, I think that just it just makes it, I think it just solves so much.
29:01
SPEAKER_00: Have you done that before?
29:02
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
29:03
SPEAKER_01: Well, like I've gone to you, I'm like, you know what, I want to have this conversation about this or that, and it and it might become more of a like back and forth conversation, and I can sense that you're not there's something up, there's something else in your head right now.
29:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I'm like, you know what?
29:18
SPEAKER_01: I say to myself, you know, now's not the time for that.
29:20
SPEAKER_01: Okay, I understand that.
29:21
SPEAKER_01: That I understand, yeah.
29:23
SPEAKER_01: And I think if we could all become better at that, that's your self-talk.
29:26
SPEAKER_00: You're talking about self-talk.
29:27
SPEAKER_01: I thought you were talking about I want to talk to you right now.
29:30
SPEAKER_00: No, no, no.
29:30
SPEAKER_00: And the other person's like, Well, I don't really want to talk right now because I'm not in the mood.
29:33
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I want to talk right now.
29:34
SPEAKER_00: That's what I thought you were saying.
29:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, I think you'd be able to coach yourself up, coach yourself up, yeah.
29:38
SPEAKER_00: Self-coach to say he or she is not in the mood to do this.
29:42
SPEAKER_00: I table it right, or say, can I like so even if you said to me, like, like I'm gonna talk about like finances, or sometimes you'll want to talk about like things I find to be so freaking boring, like retirement stuff, you know, and like and I know it's important to do, but there are I I never really want to talk about it, but you want to talk about retirement or we've had conversations that have gone in circles and we have not had retirement planning, like where are you gonna be?
30:10
SPEAKER_00: But we've also had conversations just about like meet the kids or something.
30:12
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we've had issues where it's like they we just it's like a circular conversation and I'm exhausted by it.
30:19
SPEAKER_00: And you're like, hey, could we talk about this?
30:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, we're not talking about this again.
30:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, and I have said not right now, knowing that we do have to talk about it.
30:28
SPEAKER_00: Like and we usually do, but yeah, if it's like four o'clock or five o'clock on a weekday, I'm pretty checked out, I'm tired, and now I'm thinking about getting dinner on the table or eating, or I want to like go work out.
30:41
SPEAKER_00: I don't I don't want to have those conversations.
30:43
SPEAKER_00: I think that that's all timing is also really important, and I didn't write that into my notes for today's episode, but I think timing is something huge.
30:51
SPEAKER_00: That is huge, yeah.
30:52
SPEAKER_01: It's huge.
30:53
SPEAKER_01: And I and I'm like, pick your spots, pick your spots, and I also like where you're going with this, like being able to identify together, right?
31:02
SPEAKER_01: That that we need to take a second, you know, we need to to maybe separate for a second, maybe we need to come back to it, like but being able to to to acknowledge it together, right?
31:13
SPEAKER_01: Because if you and I could get that down to where we like perfected it, now this is where we would shoot for perfection.
31:21
SPEAKER_01: If we could perfect that and then take that out into the rest of our life, imagine how much more effective we'd be.
31:29
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right?
31:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think I don't think we're gonna perfect it.
31:33
SPEAKER_01: I think you can get darn close.
31:35
SPEAKER_01: We're not gonna be perfect.
31:36
SPEAKER_01: I think it well, yeah, you can get darn close.
31:39
SPEAKER_00: Okay, another skill is to really work on your breath.
31:44
SPEAKER_00: I know that this may sound woo-woo and it may feel woo-woo to people, and it's really important.
31:49
SPEAKER_00: You've got to work on your breath.
31:51
SPEAKER_00: Breathing actually helps when you're in these like sort of high-stakes emotional situations with people in your life.
31:58
SPEAKER_00: Not because breathing is magical, it's not magical.
32:01
SPEAKER_00: You know, breathing is one of the physiological systems we can consciously influence.
32:06
SPEAKER_00: You know, a useful pattern is sometimes called a physiological sigh.
32:10
SPEAKER_00: Inhale, take a second.
32:12
SPEAKER_00: I've done this many times with all of you on the podcast, right?
32:15
SPEAKER_00: Take a second, smaller intake.
32:16
SPEAKER_00: I take two more sips at the top, is what I say.
32:19
SPEAKER_00: Then they make the exhale long and slow.
32:21
SPEAKER_00: So it's I do four in, two more sips at the top, and then long, slow, exhale out.
32:32
SPEAKER_00: Okay, repeat that a few times.
32:34
SPEAKER_00: It changes your physiology.
32:38
SPEAKER_00: It changes your physiology.
32:40
SPEAKER_00: Try it.
32:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm telling you, it helps you change your state.
32:45
SPEAKER_00: We know this to be true.
32:47
SPEAKER_00: So it's not woo-woo.
32:48
SPEAKER_00: It actually works.
32:50
SPEAKER_00: It's pretty cool.
32:50
SPEAKER_01: What was it?
32:51
SPEAKER_01: Four and two?
32:52
SPEAKER_00: Four, four breaths in, two, three, four, two more at the top.
32:58
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna try that.
32:59
SPEAKER_00: Two more sips at the top, I'm gonna try that.
33:01
SPEAKER_00: Breathe in four, get almost to the very top.
33:03
SPEAKER_00: You can't take it, then two more steps sips in.
33:05
SPEAKER_00: You're full.
33:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
33:07
SPEAKER_00: Breathe it out, breathe it out.
33:09
SPEAKER_00: Do that a few times.
33:10
SPEAKER_00: Don't do it in a row because you'll get lightheaded.
33:12
SPEAKER_00: But take a break.
33:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna take a 15-second break, then do it again.
33:15
SPEAKER_00: Take a 15-second break, do it again.
33:17
SPEAKER_00: See how you feel.
33:18
SPEAKER_00: It really does work.
33:19
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
33:20
SPEAKER_00: I've used it, I have used it in high-stakes situations in my life, emotional situations with people.
33:25
SPEAKER_00: In real time.
33:26
SPEAKER_00: In real time.
33:26
SPEAKER_00: In real time.
33:27
SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna I do it when I need to calm down.
33:29
SPEAKER_00: I do it when I need to worry.
33:31
SPEAKER_00: Like I was worried, I'm worried about my heart because I just have some thing with, you know, just cal my calcium score was not good.
33:40
SPEAKER_00: And I have a very low heart rate, and I've been a you know athlete my whole life and stuff.
33:44
SPEAKER_00: And I'm worried, I'm like, it's weird.
33:46
SPEAKER_00: I'm worried.
33:46
SPEAKER_00: I'm never can't.
33:47
SPEAKER_01: What's your heart rate right now?
33:48
SPEAKER_01: Let's have a low contest.
33:50
SPEAKER_00: No, I cannot believe that I'm I have a heart thing, and it will be fine.
33:54
SPEAKER_00: It just I don't really want to take meds.
33:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm just dealing with this right now.
33:57
SPEAKER_00: But I was like doing this yesterday because I was pretty freaked out.
34:00
SPEAKER_00: I didn't tell you because you were like, uh, I don't think you really understand.
34:03
SPEAKER_00: I don't think you really understand.
34:05
SPEAKER_00: What?
34:05
SPEAKER_00: I was reading the results to you, but I don't think you understand.
34:07
SPEAKER_00: Like it's something, it's not nothing.
34:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
34:10
SPEAKER_00: And I was like doing breathing exercises yesterday because I was starting to get freaked out about it.
34:14
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, anxiety works wonderful for anxiety, you know, low levels of anxiety.
34:19
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
34:20
SPEAKER_00: You don't need this.
34:21
SPEAKER_00: This is not for any of you to become Zen.
34:23
SPEAKER_00: I certainly am not Zen, right?
34:25
SPEAKER_00: You're simply trying basically to lower you and Zen don't go together.
34:29
SPEAKER_00: I try.
34:29
SPEAKER_00: It's hard for me.
34:30
SPEAKER_01: Type A is you know, no Zen for you.
34:33
SPEAKER_00: It's hard for me.
34:34
SPEAKER_00: But what it's doing, the breathing, but I do do this breathing, and what it helps is to lower your arousal enough to like regain a choice here.
34:42
SPEAKER_00: You know, so we're talking about now, we're talking about debating, arguing, getting in a fight with someone, try to resolve an argument, a disagreement, all right.
34:50
SPEAKER_00: You know, the best sometimes the best thing that happens after you are able to regulate yourself.
34:55
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you go outside, you sit on the deck, is that you start to realize and you've done some breathing techniques.
35:00
SPEAKER_00: The thing I was about to say to him or her was kind of ridiculous.
35:05
SPEAKER_00: Like, I jeez, I'm glad that I did not say that.
35:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that was that was actually okay.
35:11
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, whoo, that was kind of mean.
35:13
SPEAKER_00: And I'm glad we took this break because I would have said that.
35:15
SPEAKER_00: And you cannot take your words back.
35:17
SPEAKER_00: People cannot unhear things that we say.
35:20
SPEAKER_00: You can say I'm sorry, and they can forgive you.
35:22
SPEAKER_00: You can say you're sorry over and over again, and they can forgive you.
35:25
SPEAKER_00: People don't forget.
35:27
SPEAKER_00: It's very hard for us humans to forget.
35:29
SPEAKER_00: You can't unsay certain things to each other, okay?
35:32
SPEAKER_00: That if you could do that, that's a huge success.
35:35
SPEAKER_00: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
35:38
SPEAKER_00: That's a bunch of bullshit.
35:40
SPEAKER_00: We used to say that we were little kids, my mom taught that to me.
35:43
SPEAKER_00: That's not true.
35:44
SPEAKER_00: Words hurt more than sticks or stones.
35:45
SPEAKER_00: Well, we don't like sticks or stones either, but words hurt.
35:49
SPEAKER_00: People do not forget the things that you say to them.
35:53
SPEAKER_00: People do not forget the things that they heard you say about them.
35:56
SPEAKER_00: That's not kind and not nice and is mean.
35:59
SPEAKER_00: People don't forget.
36:01
SPEAKER_00: So remember that.
36:02
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
36:03
SPEAKER_01: Have you ever used that breathing exercise with two clients in the same room?
36:09
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
36:09
SPEAKER_01: Like together.
36:10
SPEAKER_01: Like, all right, pause everybody.
36:11
SPEAKER_01: Ready?
36:12
SPEAKER_00: Many, many times.
36:13
SPEAKER_00: You have, okay.
36:14
SPEAKER_00: Many times.
36:15
SPEAKER_00: Oh, are you kidding me?
36:16
SPEAKER_00: Because they're getting they come in dysregulated, or they could either come in dysregulated or very quickly can go there.
36:22
SPEAKER_00: Certain couples who are highly activated by one another.
36:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
36:25
SPEAKER_00: And now they know they're here for a therapy session.
36:27
SPEAKER_00: And here, let's go.
36:28
SPEAKER_00: And there are many times I will tell you, I have done it, and my client doesn't know it, either an individual or couples, or I've done it with families, especially where it's just a highly emotional situation.
36:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm at, I'm doing this inside myself because I'm getting activated.
36:43
SPEAKER_00: We are humans.
36:44
SPEAKER_00: Therapists are not robots.
36:46
SPEAKER_00: We are humans, and we can be, it's it's going a little deeper, and we don't have, we won't get into that today, but like we can have transference and counter-transference with a client.
36:54
SPEAKER_00: We can have issues with like one of the couples of a couple.
36:59
SPEAKER_00: We can have it with a family member.
37:00
SPEAKER_00: We're seeing families.
37:02
SPEAKER_00: Like that's why consultation and talking to somebody about your own stuff is so, so important, whether you be in professional consultation or you be in your own therapy.
37:11
SPEAKER_00: So you don't bring your own stuff into the room.
37:14
SPEAKER_00: It's just more with therapy than with coaching.
37:16
SPEAKER_00: It can happen sometimes in coaching too, where people are bringing their own stuff into a coaching session.
37:21
SPEAKER_00: Remember, everybody, the you're you are not paying for somebody to talk a lot about themselves.
37:28
SPEAKER_00: You're not paying for that.
37:28
SPEAKER_00: You're paying a lot of money, many people, for a therapist.
37:33
SPEAKER_00: We talk about like talking about your personal life in service of the client.
37:36
SPEAKER_00: If it would help the client, if it's in service with the client.
37:38
SPEAKER_00: And coaching people sometimes do this too.
37:41
SPEAKER_00: They talk a lot about themselves.
37:42
SPEAKER_00: It's like, no, no, no.
37:43
SPEAKER_00: We're don't don't do that.
37:45
SPEAKER_00: So another reason why people need consultation, professionals need consultation.
37:49
SPEAKER_00: But I have done this breathing when I have been in sort of high-stakes situations.
37:53
SPEAKER_00: Either I'm getting triggered or I'm watching them trigger each other and it's getting really emotional.
38:00
SPEAKER_00: And I maybe sometimes I know the couple really well.
38:03
SPEAKER_00: They've been with me for a while, or it could be anything.
38:06
SPEAKER_00: It could be anything.
38:07
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's like one person is someone who maybe is triggering me a little bit about something.
38:14
SPEAKER_00: Maybe they remind me of someone in my life, or you got to get help around that.
38:18
SPEAKER_00: Like you cannot be bringing that stuff in, and you got to be talking to somebody so that doesn't come into the therapy, the office, the therapy space, or the coaching space.
38:26
SPEAKER_00: I've had it before with when I used to run families.
38:29
SPEAKER_00: I mean, you'd have these volatile families and such vitriol.
38:34
SPEAKER_00: And I was like doing the breathing, and it there was nothing about them as triggering me personally, but I was like, whoa, this is intense right now.
38:42
SPEAKER_00: You can cut that cut that tattoo with a knife.
38:44
SPEAKER_00: I needed to do some breathing.
38:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it has helped me in so many times in my life.
38:48
SPEAKER_00: I do it with you when you and I are getting into it.
38:50
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
38:51
SPEAKER_01: I'm just yeah.
38:52
SPEAKER_01: So I mean, when I'm gonna try it.
38:55
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna try it with like if I ever get into a um meeting.
39:01
SPEAKER_01: I'm not thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about like if I have two people in a room or 10 people in a room and two people.
39:08
SPEAKER_01: Oh, telling them to like like pause for a second, right?
39:11
SPEAKER_01: Like, they might not even know what this is that we're well you tell them to breathe.
39:16
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
39:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I've done that so many times with clients.
39:18
SPEAKER_01: Like, let's breathe.
39:20
SPEAKER_00: I remember years ago, I had a client who came in, and this is someone who had had a lot, a lot, a lot of childhood trauma, and it was starting to come out.
39:28
SPEAKER_00: It was doing trauma work with her, it was coming out.
39:30
SPEAKER_00: Something had happened that week, something had happened that was in the present day, recent.
39:35
SPEAKER_00: And she was very, very, very upset and just just deeply, deeply hurt by something that had happened.
39:43
SPEAKER_00: And she was trying to not feel all the feelings of the current hurt.
39:49
SPEAKER_00: It was like dredging up all the trauma that we had been working on.
39:52
SPEAKER_00: It was like a fresh wound.
39:54
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
39:54
SPEAKER_00: And I remember her like you guys can't see if you can see me on YouTube.
39:58
SPEAKER_00: She's like, She had her mouth per her lips pursed closed.
40:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
40:06
SPEAKER_00: And she was like kind of like rocking in the in the on the couch, and like and I said, I knew she was trying so hard to keep it in.
40:17
SPEAKER_00: And I said, open your mouth.
40:22
SPEAKER_00: And then she opened, and all of the emotion came out, which was symbolic of all the all of the trauma started to come out.
40:33
SPEAKER_00: And it was the importance of breathe.
40:35
SPEAKER_00: Now breathe.
40:36
SPEAKER_00: Let's breathe.
40:37
SPEAKER_00: Let's breathe.
40:38
SPEAKER_00: I did it with her.
40:38
SPEAKER_00: We broke, we breath, we breathed together.
40:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
40:42
SPEAKER_00: And it was so uh up to my own horn.
40:46
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it was so successful.
40:47
SPEAKER_00: It was such, it was I'd never forget this session because this was someone, and I knew her well at this point.
40:52
SPEAKER_00: This has been a couple of years in, someone I cared about very much.
40:56
SPEAKER_00: And I so I knew the past, I knew the dynamics, I knew it, and I knew her pain.
41:02
SPEAKER_00: I could had empathy for her.
41:03
SPEAKER_00: I knew, I knew it.
41:06
SPEAKER_00: And she was like, ah, all of this voice, this pain came out in her breath, and we went and we slowed down.
41:14
SPEAKER_00: We did the after she felt her feelings, she needed to do that.
41:20
SPEAKER_00: It was very painful, but we got to a point where she had a calmer state when she left.
41:26
SPEAKER_00: I would I don't know if in that session, in that day years ago, she was calm.
41:30
SPEAKER_00: It was calmer, so she could kind of put herself sort of back together to lead the session.
41:35
SPEAKER_00: I think I was probably seeing her two or three times a week at that point.
41:38
SPEAKER_00: It's many, many years ago.
41:40
SPEAKER_00: She does some really good work.
41:41
SPEAKER_00: But Brath was really important.
41:43
SPEAKER_00: We did a lot of that together because things could get really activating and really triggering.
41:47
SPEAKER_00: And she was dealing with this trauma and it was in her body.
41:51
SPEAKER_00: So that's why this episode is so important.
41:54
SPEAKER_00: You know, whether you be looking or you looking for someone to work with in therapy, or you're looking for someone to coach you.
42:01
SPEAKER_00: This is really important.
42:03
SPEAKER_00: All of this.
42:04
SPEAKER_00: This is how you have those.
42:05
SPEAKER_00: This is the nervous system regulation that allows all of you to have those important conversations, those hard conversations with you.
42:12
SPEAKER_00: This is what gets you ready, prepares you before and in the moment.
42:17
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
42:18
SPEAKER_01: And I it's gotta be important to say, because we said this at the beginning, like the delivery, right?
42:23
SPEAKER_01: The way you deliver the message, like you can you can suggest somebody take a deep breath, and that could be said in a way where it's like, wait, what do you want me to do?
42:32
SPEAKER_01: Like, like, like that's that was rude, right?
42:34
SPEAKER_01: Like you could say, take a breath, right?
42:36
SPEAKER_01: Like it's the way you can right, right?
42:38
SPEAKER_01: Right, but or you can say, hey, let's pause for a second.
42:41
SPEAKER_00: Don't say that to somebody, just like you don't ever say to, especially a woman, calm down.
42:48
SPEAKER_00: Right.
42:48
SPEAKER_00: You don't ever use those two words.
42:50
SPEAKER_00: Don't tell people, don't tell people to calm down or relax, or take a breath, or relax.
42:56
SPEAKER_00: You've done that before.
42:57
SPEAKER_00: You said relax.
42:58
SPEAKER_00: You have that's you the word you've used.
43:00
SPEAKER_00: It's insulting, yeah, and it takes away from the other person's experience of where they're at.
43:04
SPEAKER_00: You're like not really there with them, you're not really like, okay, whatever.
43:07
SPEAKER_00: You're like totally relax, relax.
43:09
SPEAKER_00: Don't say that to me, right?
43:10
SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
43:11
SPEAKER_00: Insulting.
43:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
43:12
SPEAKER_01: And I think we should say that right now, right?
43:14
SPEAKER_01: Because I think that if you if you don't pre-think how you're gonna deliver that message or that suggestion to do that, and you say it wrong, you're making it worse.
43:26
SPEAKER_00: You absolutely are, right?
43:27
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because they feel misunderstood and not seen and not respected, actually.
43:31
SPEAKER_00: Right.
43:32
SPEAKER_00: Not not seen in the in the emotional state that they're in.
43:34
SPEAKER_00: They're there for a reason.
43:35
SPEAKER_00: There's a reason why they are activated like that.
43:38
SPEAKER_00: And so if you tell them to calm down, it's pretty much a slam on them.
43:41
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
43:41
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
43:41
SPEAKER_00: So the the next point I want to make is your nervous system can react to the past while you're in the present.
43:46
SPEAKER_00: I just kind of talked about that.
43:48
SPEAKER_00: So this is where internal family systems and attachment theory become really useful here.
43:52
SPEAKER_00: So sometimes someone says something to you and your body just has this huge reaction.
43:58
SPEAKER_00: That reaction If you're aware of it in your body, there's a history there.
44:04
SPEAKER_00: Pay attention to that reaction.
44:05
SPEAKER_00: There's a history.
44:06
SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe criticism activates a defensive part of you.
44:10
SPEAKER_00: This is internal family systems.
44:12
SPEAKER_00: There's it's parts work doing there's different parts of you inside of yourself.
44:16
SPEAKER_00: So maybe somebody criticizing you, or you deemed it as criticizing you at work, activated a really defensive part of you.
44:24
SPEAKER_00: That goes back to the seven-year-old you.
44:26
SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe distance activates fear of rejection.
44:30
SPEAKER_00: Maybe somebody distancing them from you, you feel maybe somebody who's sort of wanting out of a relationship, somebody you've been dating, they're distancing themselves from you.
44:41
SPEAKER_00: Maybe you feel like it's ghosting and it feels like a rejection, right?
44:46
SPEAKER_00: But I don't like ghosting.
44:47
SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's a way to go.
44:49
SPEAKER_00: When you had a relationship with someone, it can feel like intense rejection.
44:52
SPEAKER_00: It can trigger a part of you, that a younger self.
44:56
SPEAKER_00: Maybe conflict makes you just totally shut down.
45:00
SPEAKER_00: What's that about for you?
45:01
SPEAKER_00: That can be your attachment style, what you were raised with, what you saw.
45:06
SPEAKER_00: So internal family systems would say a protective part of you has to come online.
45:10
SPEAKER_00: So that protective part of you is now back online.
45:12
SPEAKER_00: That pretty much lies dormant.
45:14
SPEAKER_00: But that person, that situation, that conversation brought this part, usually a younger part, another part of you, online.
45:22
SPEAKER_00: And Sue Johnson, she's the creator of emotionally focused therapy, EFT.
45:29
SPEAKER_00: Sue Johnson's therapy reminds us that underneath a lot of, especially couples, conflicting or couples' fights are attachment questions.
45:39
SPEAKER_00: Like, are you there for me?
45:41
SPEAKER_00: Can I count on you to be there for me?
45:43
SPEAKER_00: Do I matter to you?
45:45
SPEAKER_00: Can I can I reach you?
45:46
SPEAKER_00: Can I reach you emotionally, mentally, psychologically?
45:50
SPEAKER_00: So the surface argument may be about some stupid text message that you sent.
45:55
SPEAKER_00: But underneath it, it's really the other person may be feeling like I don't feel important to you.
46:02
SPEAKER_00: And when that gets activated in somebody, one person may pursue while the other may withdraw.
46:08
SPEAKER_00: And there's your attachment styles that are coming up for that couple, right?
46:12
SPEAKER_00: Then both nervous systems make the problem bigger, right?
46:15
SPEAKER_00: They each have different nervous systems, makes the problem bigger.
46:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
46:19
SPEAKER_00: You know, this is why the skill is not never get triggered, right?
46:23
SPEAKER_00: Because you're we're always all the time going to be triggered and activated, right, throughout our lives.
46:29
SPEAKER_00: It's that's not realistic to say you'll never be activated again because you will.
46:33
SPEAKER_00: It's more of recognize when an old protective response is running the current conversation for you.
46:42
SPEAKER_00: So recognizing old stuff that's coming up for you.
46:46
SPEAKER_00: And you can do this work, you could do emotionally focused therapy, you could do internal family systems, you can do see somebody who really knows attachment theory.
46:55
SPEAKER_00: The biggest thing is for you to know that, okay, this is an old response.
46:59
SPEAKER_00: And I know when I have it with you, like I'll have an old response to you that sometimes it's really not about you.
47:06
SPEAKER_00: And I've told you before, like that wasn't really about you.
47:08
SPEAKER_00: That was totally about me.
47:10
SPEAKER_00: And something you said really got me going, really made me mad.
47:14
SPEAKER_00: No, I wasn't totally about you.
47:16
SPEAKER_00: It's actually about this or this or this from my past.
47:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
47:18
SPEAKER_00: Or about somebody else in my life that maybe I have had have had unresolved issues with, you know, and you said something that reminded me of them, and I said something to you, and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
47:30
SPEAKER_00: Because I've done this.
47:31
SPEAKER_00: You like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
47:32
SPEAKER_00: That and you knew, like, that's not me.
47:34
SPEAKER_00: That's not me.
47:35
SPEAKER_00: You're Anna, you're thinking about, listen, I'm not that person.
47:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.
47:40
SPEAKER_00: Kind of brought me back down, like you're right.
47:42
SPEAKER_01: Or I'll ask you, like, what else?
47:45
SPEAKER_01: What's actually going on inside of you right now?
47:47
SPEAKER_01: Because it's not about this.
47:49
SPEAKER_00: You said that's that, and that's a great question to ask.
47:51
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
47:52
SPEAKER_00: It's a great question.
47:53
SPEAKER_00: And you said, like, what's really going on right now?
47:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
47:57
SPEAKER_00: And you're, you're, you're, you're sweet about it.
47:59
SPEAKER_00: You'll like give me a hug.
48:00
SPEAKER_00: You'll come over and give you a hug and be like, what?
48:02
SPEAKER_00: Are you or not?
48:03
SPEAKER_00: And you're just like, hey, babe, what's what's really going on right now?
48:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
48:06
SPEAKER_00: That helps me.
48:07
SPEAKER_00: It brings me down.
48:08
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
48:08
SPEAKER_00: And it makes me think.
48:09
SPEAKER_00: It gets me like it gets me out of my emotional mind.
48:12
SPEAKER_00: It gets me into my rational mind, which and it like has me going, okay, all right.
48:17
SPEAKER_00: This is this is this is what's happening right now.
48:19
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
48:20
SPEAKER_00: It takes you, it just moves me away from my emotions a little bit.
48:24
SPEAKER_01: Right.
48:25
SPEAKER_01: And I think that's these are all little tips on on how we can strive for perfection.
48:32
SPEAKER_01: And maybe you're right.
48:33
SPEAKER_01: Maybe we'll never be perfect, right?
48:35
SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't, and you are right.
48:36
SPEAKER_01: We're not going to ever be perfect.
48:38
SPEAKER_01: I think we're trying to be the best that we can be in these situations.
48:42
SPEAKER_01: Like, and so to have all these little tips, like, okay, I'll take a little like the listeners, I'll take a little bit of that, and I'll take a half a serving of that, yeah, and a little bit of this.
48:52
SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna mix all of those together because for me and my situation with my person, right?
48:57
SPEAKER_01: That makes sense.
48:58
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
48:59
SPEAKER_00: Okay, all right.
49:00
SPEAKER_00: The next skill is regulation that I want to say to all of you is that regulation, you being regulated, is not suppression.
49:09
SPEAKER_00: So some of you might think like, oh, do you want Anna, you want me to tamp it down or suppress it?
49:13
SPEAKER_00: No, not at all.
49:14
SPEAKER_00: I don't want you to.
49:15
SPEAKER_00: This is important.
49:16
SPEAKER_00: Regulating yourself doesn't mean that the other person gets away with bad behavior.
49:20
SPEAKER_00: All right.
49:21
SPEAKER_00: It's important.
49:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it doesn't mean don't for you to not be angry.
49:25
SPEAKER_00: You can be angry, of course.
49:27
SPEAKER_00: You know, it doesn't mean don't set a boundary.
49:29
SPEAKER_00: You don't confront the person, don't talk with them.
49:31
SPEAKER_00: That means I want access to my full brain while I decide what to do.
49:37
SPEAKER_00: It's you saying that to yourself.
49:38
SPEAKER_00: I want access to my full brain while I'm deciding what to do.
49:42
SPEAKER_00: You know, anger can contain really useful information for you, you know, but I don't want anger to be like the trump card or the CEO in your head, like all anger, all anger, right?
49:53
SPEAKER_00: I want it in the room.
49:55
SPEAKER_00: Okay, you can be in the room, it can be in the conference room.
49:57
SPEAKER_00: I am angry, but it's just one seat of the table, right?
50:01
SPEAKER_00: I don't want it running the meeting, yeah.
50:03
SPEAKER_00: Right.
50:03
SPEAKER_00: So that's really, really important.
50:05
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
50:05
SPEAKER_01: No, you're I agree.
50:07
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
50:07
SPEAKER_00: All right.
50:08
SPEAKER_00: So here is your, I'm giving you a four-step reset.
50:12
SPEAKER_00: All right.
50:13
SPEAKER_00: Here's the whole skill, giving it to you now.
50:15
SPEAKER_00: And yes, it is towards the end, but hopefully the whole the whole time along, you've gotten some good stuff from this episode.
50:22
SPEAKER_00: The whole skill.
50:23
SPEAKER_00: Number one, I want you to notice what is the physical cue inside of you.
50:26
SPEAKER_00: What's the physical cue?
50:27
SPEAKER_00: Where are you feeling it?
50:29
SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm getting activated.
50:30
SPEAKER_00: Where do you feel it?
50:32
SPEAKER_00: Number two, I want you to interrupt.
50:34
SPEAKER_00: Interrupt.
50:35
SPEAKER_00: Stop adding fuel to the fire.
50:37
SPEAKER_00: Stop explaining, stop rebutting, pause.
50:42
SPEAKER_00: Stop talking, quiet down, pause.
50:45
SPEAKER_00: Notice first, now interrupt your state.
50:49
SPEAKER_00: Number three, I want you to downshift, okay?
50:53
SPEAKER_00: No longer exhale, movement, go outside, go get some water, take a cold shower, go for a walk, a 20-minute break if you need one.
51:02
SPEAKER_00: Some people don't need 20 minutes, some people can do it in 10 minutes.
51:05
SPEAKER_00: Depends on each each person.
51:07
SPEAKER_00: But I would say in general, we say 20-minute break.
51:10
SPEAKER_00: All right.
51:10
SPEAKER_00: Then number four is to return.
51:12
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
51:13
SPEAKER_00: Come back.
51:14
SPEAKER_00: Go back.
51:14
SPEAKER_00: Go back.
51:15
SPEAKER_00: Have the conversation because regulation is not avoidance.
51:19
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
51:20
SPEAKER_00: You got to go back.
51:21
SPEAKER_00: You got to face it.
51:21
SPEAKER_00: Regulation is not avoidance.
51:23
SPEAKER_00: You're calming yourself so you can do the hard things better.
51:26
SPEAKER_00: Just better.
51:27
SPEAKER_00: Just a little bit better.
51:28
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
51:29
SPEAKER_00: These are hard things.
51:30
SPEAKER_00: You just want to do it a little bit better.
51:32
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
51:33
SPEAKER_00: And here's the question that changes the conversation for you.
51:36
SPEAKER_00: Before you respond, ask, what outcome do I want here?
51:40
SPEAKER_00: And maybe we need to start here for some of you.
51:43
SPEAKER_00: What outcome do you want?
51:45
SPEAKER_00: What outcome do I want here?
51:47
SPEAKER_00: Do I want, do I want clarity?
51:49
SPEAKER_00: Do I want repair?
51:50
SPEAKER_00: Do I want acknowledgement?
51:52
SPEAKER_00: Do I want a boundary?
51:54
SPEAKER_00: Do I want understanding?
51:57
SPEAKER_00: An apology?
51:58
SPEAKER_00: I want, you know, you know, I've had clients say, and I know I've said, I want an apology.
52:02
SPEAKER_00: I want an apology.
52:03
SPEAKER_00: Or I want to set a boundary.
52:05
SPEAKER_00: My my the outcome I want here is by the end of this conversation, I will have set a boundary.
52:09
SPEAKER_00: And this is what it will be about this and this and this and this or about this with him or her or them, or you know, you know, I think about that.
52:17
SPEAKER_00: What outcome do you want?
52:18
SPEAKER_00: Get clear on that, okay?
52:20
SPEAKER_00: Then ask, is my current state helping me to create that outcome?
52:24
SPEAKER_00: Really important.
52:25
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
52:25
SPEAKER_00: That's the next question.
52:27
SPEAKER_00: Is my current state that I'm in right now helping me create that outcome?
52:31
SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes you entered the conversation and you wanted resolution, and 10 minutes later, your nervous system has changed the assignment.
52:40
SPEAKER_00: And this happens.
52:41
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
52:41
SPEAKER_00: We can get, you know, we can go off the rails.
52:44
SPEAKER_00: How you first wanted a conversation, how we first wanted a conversation to go.
52:49
SPEAKER_00: And it's like, oh, it's not happening that way because I got activated.
52:54
SPEAKER_00: You know, now you want to win.
52:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
52:56
SPEAKER_00: You know, now you want the last word, right?
53:00
SPEAKER_00: You want them to feel as bad as you feel, right?
53:04
SPEAKER_00: That's when you need to catch yourself.
53:06
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
53:07
SPEAKER_00: Don't go there.
53:08
SPEAKER_00: Not to win, not to get the last word because you want them to feel as bad as you feel, right?
53:14
SPEAKER_00: So the goal isn't to become a perfectly regulated person.
53:17
SPEAKER_00: I've said this before.
53:18
SPEAKER_00: That's not happening.
53:20
SPEAKER_00: That's never going to happen with any of us.
53:22
SPEAKER_00: You're still going to get angry.
53:23
SPEAKER_00: You're still going to get defensive.
53:25
SPEAKER_00: You still have people who are going to push your buttons.
53:27
SPEAKER_00: The Lord knows that's true.
53:28
SPEAKER_00: We still have those people in our lives.
53:30
SPEAKER_00: The win is you notice sooner your state.
53:35
SPEAKER_00: You recover faster and you react less destructively.
53:40
SPEAKER_00: You stop turning a 15-minute problem into a, you know, three-day problem that goes on and on and on.
53:46
SPEAKER_00: So the next time you're preparing for a difficult conversation, don't only ask yourself, what am I going to say?
53:52
SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, what state do I do I want to be in when I say it?
53:58
SPEAKER_00: State before strategy.
54:00
SPEAKER_00: Really important.
54:01
SPEAKER_00: So get enough of your nervous system back on your side and then have that conversation with that person in your life.
54:08
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
54:08
SPEAKER_00: So this is about all of you who need to work on your state before you have these difficult conversations.
54:14
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
54:15
SPEAKER_00: So if this is helpful for you, please don't forget to rate and review the podcast with five stars.
54:20
SPEAKER_00: Share it with someone.
54:21
SPEAKER_00: And as always, mad love.
54:23
SPEAKER_00: And until the next time, we'll uh see you later.
54:26
SPEAKER_01: All right.