Latest / MIDDLE GROUND - Real Conversations on Faith, Identity & Becoming — Through Brynne's LDS Lens of Curiosity, Love and Doubt / The Secret Rulebook You Wrote for Everyone in Your Life — And Why It's Making You Miserable
Transcript
- Brynne Erickson (00:01) Alright, we're going to talk about rules and boxes and manuals today and what all these things have in common. But before we dive into that, I just got back from an amazing girls camp with my 23 young women and 10 adults and it was awesome. We just did two nights really quick so girls with activities could come in and out as needed and it was beautiful. And I got to talk to so many awesome girls and adults. And one of these awesome adults that I was talking to was telling me how people will tell her, you aren't taking this seriously enough. And she was telling me how she also just doesn't feel the spirit in the same way that everyone else does. And that both of these things were essentially like problems and not okay. And I had another experience when I came home from camp. So my sweet mother did a bunch of my laundry for me. And a part of that laundry was our underwear. And in that moment, when my husband, realized that she had done this laundry for me, there were a lot of thoughts. She's from, and I had the thought of, ⁓ that's so nice. ⁓ that's kind of embarrassing. Well, that might be kind of crossing the line. ⁓ but that was actually really helpful. And we get to choose. whatever we want to think, like all of those thoughts are options. We can choose to think that we're inferior. We can choose to think there's nothing wrong with us. We can choose to think that was so helpful. Which choice or which thought are you going to choose? And you get to decide. And you can either take the thoughts and opinions of others or not. You just truly get to choose. And why do we have to choose the contentious thought that says, how dare they? That's crossing a line. We need to make a boundary on this. When really we could say, you know what, we don't need to make a big deal about this. That was so helpful. That was so kind that they must be having a bad day. Like whatever the situation is. And the only reason we react so often the way we do is because we have created a manual for people. have manuals for mother-in-laws, for siblings, for grandparents, for ourselves, for our children. We have these manuals, they're books of rules that we create on how people should be. And then we put these people in nice little tiny boxes and we add more people to those boxes and we create these groups and say, all right, all these people in these boxes needs in this box need to follow this manual. And then all of the people that I put into this box, they need to follow this manual. You know what's interesting about manuals is typically they're the rules that we have made for ourself. At least what I've noticed is that the rules that we make for others are usually the rules that we ourselves think that we should follow, whether we do or we don't. And then we place them on other people. which is interesting to think about. That most of the time how we judge and view others is kind of an outward reflection of how we, of ourselves. ⁓ Is that the right way to say that? An outward expression? Maybe go. An outward expression of how we internally view ourselves or what we think we should be doing with our lives or how we should be a human. Which by the way, there is no one right way to be a human. and guess what? No one is going to do that role Any better than that one person is allowed to so meaning as much as I want my dad to be like Joe's dad, it's never going to happen. Why? Because my dad is my dad. He is not Joe's dad. He will never be Joe's dad. Maybe you want to be like Beyonce. And yes, she is amazing, but guess what? You will never be a Beyonce. Because you are you. You are the one and only amazing you. Thank you world, that we have you. Okay? So we need to, not we need to, but it's very helpful, I have found, to look at these rules that I make for people and ask myself, okay, is this rule worth hanging on to? Or is it just creating more contention or more distance between me and this person? And you can keep rules and you can say what you need to say. You can maybe create some boundaries, but a lot of my rules, I've been able to throw out the window or reframe it in a way that is more conducive to what is actually realistic for that person. I'll give you another example. When I learned about manuals, actually my aunt told me about them and it was a hard pill to swallow. So we're on a family trip. My parents aren't there. They're in another country. They're in the Philippines at the time. So it's me, my husband, my two kids, and then my adult brothers. And then we brought my aunt and my younger cousin with us too, her son. We went on a trip to California and we're all sitting around the table hanging out. And my, one of my brothers is just on his phone constantly. And I was so annoyed and I don't know if my aunt noticed or I just decided to share with her. They're like, he, why is he on his phone all the time? We're together as a family. He shouldn't be doing that. He should know better. We were all raised by the same parents, which means we are all exactly the same, right? No. And so she looked at me she's like, Brynn. you've made a manual for him." I was like, what? She's like, you have rules on what it means to be a brother in this family. I was like, oh, no, like, we just, you just know the rules. Like our parents taught us this or, she's like, Brynn, I don't know what to tell you because he is texting right now. And that was really hard for me to grasp and be okay with. But when I thought more about it, and then thankfully, I think I vented, I probably vented to my mom about it. And at some point he reached out to me, like, hey, there was some contention or I don't know if he just noticed it or maybe my mom said something, I don't know. But I was so grateful he reached out and we were able to talk about it. And I was very honest with him and he was honest with me. And we just realized that we, I had a lot of expectations for him that one, I had never voiced and two, he was never signed up for. Like even if we had set and con and had a conversation about it, you probably would have been like, yeah, actually I am going to go hang out with my friends. that are in this area because that's something I like to do once in a while on a trip, especially when I'm around other people. That was another thing I was upset about. I made a lot of rules for him on how to do a filmification with adults. And now that I look back, that's when it becomes so helpful to communicate. So often we're like, they should read my mind. They should just know. And that is setting up both sides for failure and disappointment. We cannot read minds. We like to think we can. Sometimes we're in sync, you know. ⁓ Sometimes we get it right. Lucky guess. But it's just so much more helpful when we can communicate what we need, communicate our desires, what we would like, and then be willing to compromise, right? So rules, boxes, manuals. We make them for people all the time. And society, like who are the people in society that make the rules that everyone, not everyone, but a lot of, so many people are like, yes, that is the rule and we shall follow. We shall all do that rule. We shall all sit at the table. and no one will get up. That is not the reality at my house, by the way, friends. We shall ⁓ burp and say, excuse me. Like, and then it's interesting because for me, I just thought the way I was raised and the rules that we implemented in my home was the way that everyone did it. Right until you go out and you're at a friend's house and they do it differently. And for some reason, my brain thought our way in our household was the right way. I don't know why. So it's been very eye-opening. Now that I view the world through this lens of what are all the other ways of being human? And what are some ways that I might want to implement humanness into my home and into my life? ⁓ that's an Instagram has helped us so much, right? To see how people are doing their lives, whether it's fake or real. I mean, you get to decide ⁓ what is helpful for you. But I don't abide by the rules quite so much anymore. And when I find myself getting frustrated about a rule that my kids aren't following, know what the culprit usually is on my frustration? It's because I'm afraid of what other people will think when they don't follow this rule. So I my boys aren't sitting down at dinner at a family gathering and they start to get frustrated. I used to anyway. It's not so much anymore. And I would get so frustrated and irritated that they weren't doing what I thought they were supposed to be doing. And now I've been able to look at them like, okay, this makes dinner time miserable every time. And I'm so frustrated and I can't force them to eat. I mean, there are ways that you could, but I'm not going to tape them to a chair. I'm not gonna. shovel food into their mouth. I'm not going to do that. And, but those are options. They are. That's not how I want to handle a situation with my kids. And yeah, that fear, it is interesting how that fear pops up. If we don't follow this rule, people are going to think this about me. I wonder if that will pop up more for you if you'll notice that I can't be the only one that's afraid of judgment of others and the way that other people will perceive me. But the more confident I've gotten in myself and allowing myself to work through this process and take ownership for the actual thoughts that I want to have ⁓ and how I want to act in... certain scenarios that I've put more effort into. then I don't worry so much about what other people think because I put so much work into solving this problem that I'm happy about it. And typically my children are more happy about it. My family is more happy about it. And that's what's most important to me, not how other people see us, but the peace and joy that we feel within our own home and within our relationships within our home. So I just encourage you to be more aware of the thoughts that you have about people and how they should be humaning. How you're expecting humans to be humans. The rules that you have made. And are they realistic? Or are you just trying to have them be someone that they're actually not? And that's not fair. You're making their relationship more miserable for you and for them. So we can, it's an opportunity to try and see people for who they really are and how to, yeah, embrace them and maybe let go of some expectations that you've created and turn to love and how you can love them more, love them better. and loving yourself, supporting yourself, supporting them. I love those words, love and support. So good luck with your awareness. It's gonna be awesome. I promise it's work worth doing. Have a great one.