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Giving Kids the Facts About the Harm of Screens and Social Media · Raising Daughters

0:03
Speaker 1: Welcome to Raising Daughters, the podcast that helps parents learn
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Speaker 1: the best ways to support their daughters as they navigate
0:09
Speaker 1: the high levels of stress, anxiety, pressure, and uncertainties so
0:13
Speaker 1: pervasive in our culture today. Doctor Tim Jordan is a
0:16
Speaker 1: developmental and behavioral pediatrician who has specialized in counseling girls
0:20
Speaker 1: for over thirty years and shed's light on the realities
0:23
Speaker 1: of today's young women in all facets of their lives.
0:26
Speaker 1: This is your opportunity to learn how to better support
0:29
Speaker 1: your daughters, making them feel safe, secure, and truly loved
0:33
Speaker 1: in the midst of life's ups and downs. Here is
0:35
Speaker 1: your host, Doctor Tim.
0:44
Speaker 2: Hey, friends, welcome back to another episode of Raising Daughters,
0:47
Speaker 2: Doctor Tim Jordan.
0:48
Speaker 3: Here.
0:49
Speaker 2: I'm a developmental pediatrician who has been working with girls
0:52
Speaker 2: for a long time, over thirty five years in my
0:55
Speaker 2: counseling practice, weekend retreat, summercams, school program, blah blah blah,
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Speaker 2: all kinds of different ways. And but one of the
1:01
Speaker 2: issues that's been on the front burner for a while
1:04
Speaker 2: when it comes to all kids, but I think maybe
1:06
Speaker 2: in particular girls, is this whole issue about phones and
1:10
Speaker 2: social media, and you know, kids today, younger and younger
1:14
Speaker 2: are asking for slash demanding to get a cell phone.
1:18
Speaker 2: You know, even in like early early ish grade school,
1:21
Speaker 2: second third, fourth graders, and a lot of parents are
1:24
Speaker 2: caving in. There's a lot of research out there that
1:28
Speaker 2: about the effects of all those things on kids' mental health.
1:32
Speaker 2: There's also information out there about the effects of all
1:36
Speaker 2: these kinds of devices on kids, especially if they start
1:38
Speaker 2: them early. So I thought, today, instead of talking about
1:42
Speaker 2: ages to start and all that kind of thing, I
1:45
Speaker 2: wanted to look at a different tact today. And I
1:48
Speaker 2: came in contact with a woman. Her name is Melanie Hempy.
1:51
Speaker 2: She's a nurse by her original background, and she wrote
1:55
Speaker 2: an article I think was on substack. Is that correct?
1:57
Speaker 2: Is that where I found you?
1:58
Speaker 3: Probably so, yeah, which.
2:00
Speaker 2: Which is a great app By the way, substack has
2:02
Speaker 2: all kinds of great authors. You write all kinds of
2:04
Speaker 2: very interesting articles about things. But anyway, she has an
2:09
Speaker 2: approach where she has created all these wonderful resources for
2:12
Speaker 2: parents and kids, but how to understand their brains and
2:17
Speaker 2: how and what's the effect of all these devices and
2:19
Speaker 2: social media on their brains? So I thought it would
2:22
Speaker 2: be great to have her here as an experture who
2:24
Speaker 2: knows what she's talking about. So Melanie Hempy, thank you
2:27
Speaker 2: so much for coming on raising daughters.
2:29
Speaker 3: Yes, thank you so much for having me. I absolutely
2:33
Speaker 3: love what you do. Just helping families with their daughters.
2:37
Speaker 3: That's so important. Thank you so much for your work too,
2:41
Speaker 3: it's wonderful.
2:42
Speaker 2: Well, thank you so you. I've started out as a
2:45
Speaker 2: pediatrician at MV. My wife is a r D nurse,
2:48
Speaker 2: but we veered way off that path a thousand years ago.
2:52
Speaker 2: It sounds like you have sort of done the same
2:54
Speaker 2: thing your original backgrounds in there. So how'd you get
2:56
Speaker 2: to do become what you're becoming now, which is an educator?
3:00
Speaker 3: Right? Yes, you're exactly right. I graduated from Memory University.
3:03
Speaker 3: I worked in Atlanta as a labor and delivery nurse.
3:07
Speaker 3: So how in the world.
3:08
Speaker 2: Did I end my wife too? Wif the same thing? Oh?
3:11
Speaker 3: Good? Well, how you know how do we end up here? Well?
3:14
Speaker 3: What happened? We had four children, moved to North Carolina.
3:19
Speaker 3: We're in Charlotte actually, and we're just having a fabulous
3:23
Speaker 3: time raising our kids. And we noticed that with our
3:26
Speaker 3: first born, our oldest son, was becoming very enamored with
3:34
Speaker 3: video games early on, and all my friends just said, oh, yeah,
3:38
Speaker 3: this is what boys do. You know, with girls, actually, Tim,
3:42
Speaker 3: it's oh, this is what girls do. They have to
3:44
Speaker 3: have phones and boys to have video games. And so,
3:48
Speaker 3: you know, being my first child, I really wasn't sure.
3:52
Speaker 3: You know, you got your sea legs. You're trying to
3:55
Speaker 3: figure out how to navigate all this. And by the
3:58
Speaker 3: time he was in middle school, he started to drop
4:00
Speaker 3: out of a lot of his sports and hobbies and music,
4:04
Speaker 3: and things started getting to be very difficult at home
4:09
Speaker 3: because we were always fussing about the screen time. And
4:13
Speaker 3: I named myself the gaming cop mom, which I hated
4:17
Speaker 3: that job. I loved my job as a nurse. I
4:19
Speaker 3: hated my job as a game cop mom. But I
4:22
Speaker 3: was constantly setting the kitchen timer. And I'm sure your
4:26
Speaker 3: listeners are tracking here. They're nodding their head. They're like, oh, yeah,
4:31
Speaker 3: I'm a game cop person at my house too. And
4:34
Speaker 3: it wasn't fun. It wasn't fun. By high school, they
4:39
Speaker 3: issued Adam a laptop at the school. So that's where
4:43
Speaker 3: we lost the battle. I'll be honest. I'll just tell
4:46
Speaker 3: you we lost the battle in high school when he
4:48
Speaker 3: got that laptop because I no longer was effective at
4:52
Speaker 3: trying to help him with his time. At the point
4:56
Speaker 3: in time, I thought it was mostly just the time.
4:58
Speaker 3: I had no idea that it was the amount of
5:01
Speaker 3: graphic and violent content that was also causing a lot
5:05
Speaker 3: of problems. But at that time I didn't know what
5:08
Speaker 3: I didn't know, and I was not a gamer, and
5:10
Speaker 3: I did not know what he was doing on his
5:12
Speaker 3: studio game. So we were so excited tim for him
5:15
Speaker 3: to go to college because we knew that when he
5:18
Speaker 3: went to college that he was going to stop all
5:20
Speaker 3: the silly gaming, this bad habit, he was going to
5:23
Speaker 3: outgrow it, and he was gonna have so much fun,
5:26
Speaker 3: and he was going to start living like a normal kid. Well,
5:30
Speaker 3: you and I both know that. Like, I don't know
5:33
Speaker 3: why I thought that, because we know that little kids,
5:36
Speaker 3: whatever they do when they're little, they kind of grow
5:38
Speaker 3: up doing the same thing. I mean, that's just kind
5:40
Speaker 3: of the way our brains work, and his brain was
5:44
Speaker 3: very mapped for screen time. In his case, it was gaming.
5:49
Speaker 3: For girls, it's always social media that they get enamored with.
5:54
Speaker 3: So after that first year of college, we picked him
5:57
Speaker 3: up and he got in the car and I kept
6:00
Speaker 3: looking at him, and I was thinking Okay, you know,
6:03
Speaker 3: I really don't want to ask this question, but I'm
6:06
Speaker 3: going to have to ask him, Adam, are you on drugs?
6:08
Speaker 3: There was something very off and he was looking terrible.
6:13
Speaker 3: He literally looked like he hadn't eaten for a week,
6:17
Speaker 3: he hadn't been functioning. And he said, no, Mom, I'm
6:21
Speaker 3: not on drugs. That video game did something to me.
6:26
Speaker 3: I've been in bed for a week, i haven't gone
6:29
Speaker 3: to classes. I don't think he'd had a shower. I
6:33
Speaker 3: was like, what is wrong? What has happened? And it
6:36
Speaker 3: was like everything came crashing down at that point on
6:39
Speaker 3: the highway where I realized, oh my gosh, we're dealing
6:43
Speaker 3: with an addiction. This is a full on addiction. It
6:47
Speaker 3: looks like it, it acts like it, it smells like
6:50
Speaker 3: it trusts me, and so then you know, I guess
6:53
Speaker 3: this is what we're dealing with. I came home, I
6:56
Speaker 3: contacted a bunch of my neuroscience friends and just physicians
7:01
Speaker 3: and pediatricians and family doctors, and I said, does anybody
7:06
Speaker 3: know what this is? And this was a number of
7:08
Speaker 3: years ago, so you know, it wasn't as in the
7:11
Speaker 3: news as it is right now. Like right now, you
7:12
Speaker 3: can google gaming addiction, and it's like everywhere. Back then,
7:15
Speaker 3: you couldn't really put those two words together. But Internet
7:18
Speaker 3: addiction was becoming a thing. So I started going to
7:20
Speaker 3: conferences and I started realizing this is a medical problem.
7:25
Speaker 3: And you know, I came through the parenthood journey with
7:29
Speaker 3: this issue, and I was like every other parent. I
7:32
Speaker 3: didn't really learn about this in nursing school. I just
7:36
Speaker 3: thought it was something that was okay. And certainly, certainly
7:40
Speaker 3: no one out there in society and our culture whatever
7:43
Speaker 3: produced something that would harm my kid, right, this is
7:46
Speaker 3: what I thought. So around this time, you know, we
7:50
Speaker 3: had to decide what to do with Adam because he
7:52
Speaker 3: came home and announced that he was not going back
7:54
Speaker 3: to school. Which is a really sad situation when you
7:57
Speaker 3: launch a child and they come back and we call
7:58
Speaker 3: them boomerang kids, and they I'm back. And now I
8:01
Speaker 3: have a gamer who is in his hoodie on my sofa,
8:05
Speaker 3: and now he's eighteen years old, you know, almost nineteen,
8:09
Speaker 3: and I'm like, oh no, now I just have a
8:11
Speaker 3: big gamer instead of a little gamer on my couch.
8:13
Speaker 3: So Tim, I don't know. I did what the only
8:17
Speaker 3: thing I could think of, and I called the military,
8:20
Speaker 3: and they sent a recruiter to the house and they
8:22
Speaker 3: recruited at him into the army. Thank goodness, Thank goodness.
8:25
Speaker 3: It was the best thing that ever happened. He had
8:27
Speaker 3: fourteen weeks of a detox. It's called a basic training,
8:33
Speaker 3: where he did not have any screens. He didn't even
8:36
Speaker 3: he says today, he says, yeah, I didn't have my
8:37
Speaker 3: own underwear. I had nothing of my own. And so
8:41
Speaker 3: he had fourteen weeks. And what we now know is
8:44
Speaker 3: that was a good amount of time to reset his
8:48
Speaker 3: brain and kind of clear out that dopamine and balance
8:52
Speaker 3: and the adrenaline and balance, and the cortisol and balance.
8:55
Speaker 3: And I have so many stories about what it was
8:57
Speaker 3: like in high school and what happened, but that's kind
9:01
Speaker 3: of our story, and this is how we ended up
9:04
Speaker 3: starting Screenstrong. I have three younger kids, his sister and
9:09
Speaker 3: his two brothers, and immediately I pulled the plug on everything.
9:14
Speaker 3: I'm like, okay, guys, games are gone. I think the
9:16
Speaker 3: little boys were in third grade at the time. My
9:19
Speaker 3: daughter was in middle school, and fortunately it was right
9:22
Speaker 3: before she got a phone. So I said, sorry, Melissa, sorry,
9:26
Speaker 3: no phone for you. So I said, you know, I
9:30
Speaker 3: kind of totally messed up your brother over here. So
9:33
Speaker 3: we're gonna do another experiment and we are gonna just
9:38
Speaker 3: see what happens if you don't get a phone. And
9:41
Speaker 3: so she was a little bit, I don't know, unsettled,
9:46
Speaker 3: but you know, she was a gymnast, and she spent
9:48
Speaker 3: all our time in the gym, and she had plenty
9:51
Speaker 3: to do. And then with the younger boys, they you know,
9:54
Speaker 3: I told them, guys, sorry, you're not going to get
9:56
Speaker 3: a video game, and we're taking this wei out of
9:57
Speaker 3: the house because that was already causing problems. And I
10:01
Speaker 3: made a big list. It was a very long list
10:04
Speaker 3: of life skills that Adam didn't have, you know, just
10:09
Speaker 3: making a meal and doing your laundry and cleaning the
10:12
Speaker 3: bathroom the way you know mom cleans it, and changing
10:15
Speaker 3: a tire like I had, all these things. I didn't
10:17
Speaker 3: go look at a book. I just wrote down all
10:19
Speaker 3: these things. I said, guys, this is why I need
10:22
Speaker 3: you to learn how to do right now. You know,
10:24
Speaker 3: between middle school and high school. This is what you
10:26
Speaker 3: got to figure out. And once you learn how to
10:28
Speaker 3: do all these things, then maybe we'll consider a video. Okay.
10:32
Speaker 3: So I didn't really know what I was doing.
10:35
Speaker 2: But in your defense and the defense of a lot
10:39
Speaker 2: of parents, I think back in the early days, the
10:43
Speaker 2: video game companies and the social media platforms did a
10:46
Speaker 2: great job of confusing us by saying, well, just because
10:50
Speaker 2: they're on that that causes it. It's just an association.
10:53
Speaker 2: And so they bought themselves some time, yes, they before research,
10:58
Speaker 2: before research caught up and said, oh, actually it does
11:00
Speaker 2: cause it.
11:01
Speaker 3: Yes, And that's such a good point to bring up,
11:04
Speaker 3: because while they were buying time, there was a whole
11:08
Speaker 3: generation of kids that were crashing and burning and it
11:10
Speaker 3: is so sad. And now I'm not saying that every
11:13
Speaker 3: kid that plays video games ends up like this, but
11:15
Speaker 3: I'm saying even more today end up like this than
11:18
Speaker 3: they did ten fifteen years ago, because fifteen years ago,
11:23
Speaker 3: twenty years ago, pac Man was kind of the rage, right,
11:27
Speaker 3: twenty years so we would go to the arcade, we
11:29
Speaker 3: put our quarters in, then we'd run out of quarters,
11:32
Speaker 3: and I mean pac Man, honestly was kind of boring,
11:34
Speaker 3: and you would do it and you were done, and
11:36
Speaker 3: that was it. So that generation of parents are having
11:39
Speaker 3: their children around the time I was having mine, and
11:42
Speaker 3: we all thought it was like pac man. And what
11:45
Speaker 3: we didn't understand is that the gaming industry, and of
11:48
Speaker 3: course and the smartphones came right in on the heels
11:50
Speaker 3: of this is that persuasive design is a science that
11:55
Speaker 3: is super popular right now because it was the ability
11:59
Speaker 3: to to trick and train the human brain to stay
12:04
Speaker 3: on a screen longer than it should. And the persuasive
12:07
Speaker 3: design elements and video games just kept getting better and
12:11
Speaker 3: better and better. And then by the time Fortnite came along,
12:14
Speaker 3: that was the home run because Fortnite has all the
12:18
Speaker 3: persuasive design elements that are proven scientifically to increase the
12:23
Speaker 3: amount of type of meaning your brain and keep your
12:25
Speaker 3: kid hooked. So we have science and attention engineers and
12:29
Speaker 3: brain science that they're cracking the code on how to
12:32
Speaker 3: keep us to our screens. We have all that working
12:35
Speaker 3: against us. Right we're trying to have a family and
12:39
Speaker 3: we're trying to balance our kids. But what we don't
12:42
Speaker 3: realize is that you can't fight city hall, you cannot
12:47
Speaker 3: fight the attention engineers, and you can't change brain science.
12:52
Speaker 3: And that's what I've learned. You know, a lot of
12:55
Speaker 3: people think, well, my kid is more mature than yours,
12:57
Speaker 3: and my kid, no, no, no, your kid's brain is
13:00
Speaker 3: in the same pathway of development as every kid in
13:04
Speaker 3: the world. Right the frontal cortex is the last thing
13:07
Speaker 3: to develop, the movement center first, and the olympic center,
13:10
Speaker 3: then the frontal cortex. And no matter what you do.
13:13
Speaker 3: You can practice things and do certain things, but no
13:16
Speaker 3: matter what you do there is it takes time for
13:19
Speaker 3: that frontal cortex to be fully modndated, fully connected in
13:22
Speaker 3: order for them to make really good decisions. So in
13:23
Speaker 3: the meantime, we're losing our kids to a device that's
13:27
Speaker 3: really turned into a drug for them. And it is
13:31
Speaker 3: fascinating to see the difference what happened in our home
13:35
Speaker 3: when we didn't take out all screens. We're not a
13:38
Speaker 3: screen free organization either. By the way, Screenstrong is a
13:41
Speaker 3: medical organization, but we're all about preventing reversing childhood screen addiction.
13:45
Speaker 3: But we don't take away all screens. We still had
13:48
Speaker 3: a TV. You know, some people ask me to have
13:49
Speaker 3: cows in my backyard. No, maybe I should, but I don't.
13:54
Speaker 3: We have a TV. We watch sporting events, we watch
13:57
Speaker 3: movies together, we have documentaries, or we do different things,
14:00
Speaker 3: but the majority of our entertainment time is not spent
14:03
Speaker 3: on a screen. The majority of the younger kids are
14:07
Speaker 3: spent their time, they're spent outside, and they're also spent
14:11
Speaker 3: with us. Their time is spent with us. So we
14:14
Speaker 3: ended up figuring out that as a parent in our
14:19
Speaker 3: culture today, that you have to be really intentional, and
14:22
Speaker 3: you have to be diligent, and you have to do
14:24
Speaker 3: some things that our grandparents didn't have to do, and
14:27
Speaker 3: you have to not helicopter your kids by any stretch.
14:31
Speaker 3: You don't want to plow the way for them. You
14:33
Speaker 3: want to actually make them more independent by taking their
14:36
Speaker 3: screens away. When you take their screens away, you take
14:39
Speaker 3: their pacifier, they're blanky, you know, then you go ahead
14:42
Speaker 3: and take the screen away. It makes them more independent,
14:45
Speaker 3: It makes them more resilient, it makes them happier. You
14:50
Speaker 3: have a better relationship, family attachment is much stronger, and
14:54
Speaker 3: they just have a purpose. They learn things, you know,
14:57
Speaker 3: the little brain out you know, the elementary brain, the
15:01
Speaker 3: middle school brain, the high school brain. It is so
15:04
Speaker 3: like a sponge. It can just absorb everything and anything
15:07
Speaker 3: around it. So your kids can learn so many things
15:10
Speaker 3: that it's going to be harder to learn, you know,
15:12
Speaker 3: after the age of twenty five, they learn so many
15:15
Speaker 3: things early. So what are we doing? Why are we
15:17
Speaker 3: spending all this time on screens? And so this is
15:20
Speaker 3: what we did with our younger kids, and this is
15:22
Speaker 3: I have Screenstrom Families podcasts. We talk every week about this.
15:26
Speaker 3: We bring on experts. We don't really need experts. We
15:30
Speaker 3: need more parents to speak out. In my opinion, I
15:34
Speaker 3: feel like the science, like you just said, is so
15:37
Speaker 3: clear because it doesn't change, right, science doesn't change. It's
15:42
Speaker 3: like this is it's a very logical approach that we
15:47
Speaker 3: have over here. We don't use emotion and we don't
15:52
Speaker 3: guide our homes just because oh, well, this is what
15:54
Speaker 3: my kids want to do. Well, okay, if it's what
15:56
Speaker 3: they want to do and it's healthy, then that's okay.
15:59
Speaker 3: But we a coaching sort of position. As a good coach,
16:04
Speaker 3: how would you lead your team? Your team is losing
16:07
Speaker 3: right now, So maybe you need to take that phone away,
16:10
Speaker 3: maybe you need to take video game away, and maybe
16:12
Speaker 3: we need to get back to the basics and back
16:13
Speaker 3: to the core and build their strength. And so I've
16:16
Speaker 3: really felt like to sum it up, to sum up
16:19
Speaker 3: our story. I kind of used to be a drug dealer.
16:23
Speaker 3: I feel like now by giving these video games and
16:26
Speaker 3: you know, entertainment screens to my kids. It was like
16:27
Speaker 3: I was dealing drugs and I watched Watch what Happened,
16:31
Speaker 3: and Tim, you know what I'm talking about when you
16:32
Speaker 3: take it away and they have this incredible meltdown on
16:35
Speaker 3: the kitchen floor and they're ten years old and they
16:37
Speaker 3: look like they're having a seizure, like there's something wrong
16:40
Speaker 3: with that, you know, And it's not just my kid,
16:43
Speaker 3: like this is this is every kid, And so I
16:48
Speaker 3: miss the warring signs. And my mission today is to
16:50
Speaker 3: be sure that parents know these warring signs and they
16:52
Speaker 3: understand the risk and that they also can see another pathway.
16:58
Speaker 3: Because I'm not going to tell you. I'm gonna I'm
17:01
Speaker 3: going to show you by doing it myself like I
17:03
Speaker 3: did it, like I did it the first way, and
17:04
Speaker 3: then I did it the second way. And I'm a
17:06
Speaker 3: very good person to talk to you about what works
17:09
Speaker 3: and what doesn't, and just to give you the inside
17:13
Speaker 3: scoop in a real house over you know, the detail,
17:17
Speaker 3: over what's happening in your home. We have a thirty
17:20
Speaker 3: day detox that works really well. I had another email
17:22
Speaker 3: just actually this morning from a mom who's on day seven,
17:26
Speaker 3: and she says, already her eleven year old is a
17:29
Speaker 3: different person. She's in the middle of you know that
17:32
Speaker 3: that first week is hard, you know, because she's taken
17:35
Speaker 3: it away and it can be kind of hard. But anyway,
17:38
Speaker 3: we we have an answer over here that really works.
17:42
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna say it's for everybody. I mean, you know,
17:46
Speaker 3: not everybody wants to to try to limit I think
17:51
Speaker 3: usually what happens is that people have a crisis, you know,
17:56
Speaker 3: and then they call us because, you know, they just
17:58
Speaker 3: found out their daughter is inarexia or she's throwing up
18:02
Speaker 3: every night after dinner, and they call me and they're like,
18:05
Speaker 3: oh my gosh, this I found all the stuff on
18:06
Speaker 3: her phone and it's all these videos about how to
18:09
Speaker 3: do this. And so we usually get we usually get families,
18:12
Speaker 3: you know, when they're in their crisis. But I'm very
18:14
Speaker 3: big on prevention and I'm really hoping that our story
18:17
Speaker 3: really helps some families realize, hey, we can just take
18:20
Speaker 3: this detour and we can dtour around this. And just
18:22
Speaker 3: to be clear, we don't support, you know, we don't
18:25
Speaker 3: agree with smartphones, even all the way through adolescence, we
18:29
Speaker 3: all the way through high school, I think any kid
18:31
Speaker 3: is fine with the basic phone, just with the flip phone.
18:34
Speaker 3: That's all they need. They have their computer for crying
18:36
Speaker 3: out loud. They can do everything on that anyway. They
18:38
Speaker 3: just don't need it in their pocket. And so it's
18:41
Speaker 3: a good thing that computers don't quite fit in our
18:42
Speaker 3: pocket yet. Although oh yeah, yes, that's what we call
18:45
Speaker 3: a phone.
18:46
Speaker 2: So we're talking with Melanie Hempy Hempy and she's a
18:50
Speaker 2: nurse who has created a website called Screenstrong, and she's
18:55
Speaker 2: got a whole bunch of great educational resources for parents
18:58
Speaker 2: and for kids. I was going to ask you to
19:00
Speaker 2: talk a little bit about the importance of it's one
19:04
Speaker 2: thing to tell kids no, this is bad, this is
19:08
Speaker 2: you can't do it, and take things away. It's nothing.
19:10
Speaker 2: To start educating them early about what is the power
19:13
Speaker 2: of those things and why are they so addictive? And
19:15
Speaker 2: what's it doing to your brain? And why do you
19:18
Speaker 2: have a meltdown when I say turn it off? And
19:21
Speaker 2: there's I think when kids understand, just like the other thing,
19:24
Speaker 2: one of the reasons why I think some parents don't
19:26
Speaker 2: take more actions because they don't understand either.
19:29
Speaker 3: That's right, that's right. I mean you just nailed our
19:32
Speaker 3: whole mission over here to educate parents and kids. And
19:36
Speaker 3: you're exactly right. Kids are They really want to know why.
19:41
Speaker 3: And I think it's really wrong to try to make
19:43
Speaker 3: a big change in your home and not tell your
19:45
Speaker 3: kids why. Or maybe you're in prevention mode and you
19:48
Speaker 3: haven't even given them a phone yet or a video game,
19:51
Speaker 3: and you're trying to explain to them, well, it's just
19:54
Speaker 3: because I said so, Well, that doesn't really work. And
19:57
Speaker 3: kids at this age, you know, let's just start like
20:00
Speaker 3: the elementary age, for example, they are so enamored with
20:05
Speaker 3: all kinds of science, like they just love it. They
20:07
Speaker 3: just eat it up. So the one book we have
20:09
Speaker 3: in our Kids' Brains and Screen series is Our Adventures
20:12
Speaker 3: of Super Brain, and I sent you a copy of
20:14
Speaker 3: this one. But the thing I love about this it
20:16
Speaker 3: explains brain science to an eight year old, Like, who
20:19
Speaker 3: would have thought you could do that? Well, after a
20:21
Speaker 3: decade of doing this and working and we have workshops
20:24
Speaker 3: that we do all the time in the field, you know,
20:27
Speaker 3: and working with kids and with her with families, I
20:29
Speaker 3: figured it out. I figured out that an eight year
20:31
Speaker 3: old can understand dopamine, They can understand the progression of
20:36
Speaker 3: their brain development and what happens in their brain when
20:38
Speaker 3: they're on a screen. They can understand this. So in
20:41
Speaker 3: this first of the series of the Kids' Brains and
20:43
Speaker 3: Screens is for elementary kids. Now, let me explain that
20:47
Speaker 3: for this age group. I feel like one of the
20:50
Speaker 3: most important things that parents need to understand and they
20:53
Speaker 3: need to explain their kids is the science around habits.
20:56
Speaker 3: Because you and I both know that when a child
21:00
Speaker 3: is eight, nine, ten, eleven years old that those habits
21:03
Speaker 3: that they build good and bad are going to really
21:06
Speaker 3: stick because their brain is like wet cement, right, and
21:11
Speaker 3: you can form it and you can build it, you know.
21:14
Speaker 3: But as I get into middle school in high school,
21:17
Speaker 3: it gets a little harder. Not impossible, it just gets
21:19
Speaker 3: a little bit harder. We have a middle school version
21:21
Speaker 3: of the same book. It's it's Kids Brains and Screens,
21:24
Speaker 3: and it's the student edition, and it's bigger, and it's
21:27
Speaker 3: actually it's a full curriculum for schools. It has quizzes
21:30
Speaker 3: and lesson plans and worksheets and activity sheets and at
21:34
Speaker 3: the end of it there's a seven day challenge. At
21:37
Speaker 3: this Adventures of Superbrains for the Elementary kids. There's a
21:40
Speaker 3: whole week that they take off from their games and
21:43
Speaker 3: their mom's phones. And I would say they're mom's phones.
21:45
Speaker 3: But you know, Tim, I don't know if you know this,
21:47
Speaker 3: but I'm learning that there are a lot of second
21:49
Speaker 3: graders that have phones. Now, Like, my mind is just
21:52
Speaker 3: blown over this. So we take a screen break and
21:55
Speaker 3: we go through it. And then in the middle school version,
21:58
Speaker 3: this is really popular schools, whether it's private schools or
22:02
Speaker 3: homeschools or public schools. Then parents love it, teachers love
22:06
Speaker 3: it because it explains brain science to this age. And
22:10
Speaker 3: the most important thing I think for middle school kids
22:13
Speaker 3: to understand, or for us to help them to teach
22:17
Speaker 3: them is about peer pressure and about being different and
22:22
Speaker 3: about family attachment. You know, there's a lot of science
22:25
Speaker 3: around family attachment and who are you going to attach to?
22:29
Speaker 3: Are you going to attach to your game and your phone?
22:31
Speaker 3: Are you going to stay you know, in a healthy
22:34
Speaker 3: attachment with your family, which we hope they do their
22:36
Speaker 3: whole life right. We need people, we need relationships, and
22:40
Speaker 3: in middle school it's a lot about friendships. It's a
22:44
Speaker 3: lot about am I not going to have any friends
22:46
Speaker 3: if I don't have a phone? And we answer all
22:48
Speaker 3: those questions and what we learned with our daughter. When
22:51
Speaker 3: she was in middle school, she actually had I would
22:55
Speaker 3: say fewer friends, but she had deeper friendships and those
23:00
Speaker 3: deep friendships were her her lifeline really all the way
23:05
Speaker 3: through high school. She learned how to deeply care about people.
23:11
Speaker 3: She learned what it meant to a person when if
23:15
Speaker 3: their dog died, she would go to their house and
23:17
Speaker 3: sit with them and cry with them. She didn't just
23:20
Speaker 3: send them a text, right. So she has very deep relationships,
23:25
Speaker 3: which is, as you know, with girls, really important. And
23:29
Speaker 3: you also know that it's impossible for our girls to
23:32
Speaker 3: have deep relationships with you know, thirty people like that
23:36
Speaker 3: doesn't work. That doesn't work. So we talk a lot
23:39
Speaker 3: about friendships and how to have a good friend and
23:42
Speaker 3: how to be a friend, and of course all that
23:44
Speaker 3: is on in person time spent together. There's some facts
23:47
Speaker 3: in there about friendships that it takes two hundred hours
23:51
Speaker 3: to build a friend.
23:53
Speaker 2: You know of in person right close, A close deep friends,
23:58
Speaker 2: I said, a close deep friend. You can have lots
24:00
Speaker 2: of superficial queens.
24:02
Speaker 3: Yeah, to move an acquaintance to a good friend, it
24:05
Speaker 3: takes two hundred hours together in person that's an investment
24:09
Speaker 3: and that's what we need. Yeah, that's what we've got
24:13
Speaker 3: to start telling our daughters, is that let's invest in
24:16
Speaker 3: people the right way instead of this counterfeit way that
24:19
Speaker 3: looks right right, because counterfeit always looks like the real thing,
24:22
Speaker 3: but it's not the real thing. And so with my
24:25
Speaker 3: younger sons, the same thing happened, and we ended up
24:29
Speaker 3: becoming the house for all the teenagers to come over here.
24:33
Speaker 3: And you know, when Adam went through high school, we'd
24:36
Speaker 3: put him in some counseling, which that didn't turn out
24:38
Speaker 3: to be very good because all they did, believe it
24:40
Speaker 3: or not, was play video games with them when he
24:41
Speaker 3: went to the counselor. So that was insanely crazy. So
24:45
Speaker 3: I joke now and I say, I take my counseling
24:47
Speaker 3: budget money and I put it into my grocery budget
24:51
Speaker 3: because now I just buy lots of food for lots
24:53
Speaker 3: of boys that come over. They're hungry all the time.
24:57
Speaker 3: And now we are the house right where they come
25:00
Speaker 3: and hang out, and we don't do screen stuff over here.
25:03
Speaker 3: They may watch a movie every now and then, but boy,
25:05
Speaker 3: let me tell you, they play cards, they learn how
25:07
Speaker 3: to play poker, they you know, probably maybe too early,
25:10
Speaker 3: I don't know. It was really fun and they they're
25:13
Speaker 3: just boys. We have a fire pit that was probably
25:15
Speaker 3: the best investment we ever made. It was a homemade
25:18
Speaker 3: fire pit, you know. It just went to the big
25:20
Speaker 3: box store and bought some bricks, Like it was so easy.
25:22
Speaker 3: But those are the things that we talk about at Screenstrong,
25:26
Speaker 3: like what can you do to get your kids to
25:29
Speaker 3: fall in love with real life before they have to
25:32
Speaker 3: go off into the virtual world, which they will. They'll eventually,
25:36
Speaker 3: you know, get a computer, and they'll get a job,
25:38
Speaker 3: and they'll eventually get a phone. But we're trying to
25:40
Speaker 3: build that foundation really, really strong. And for that high
25:44
Speaker 3: school kid, the best thing you can do is to
25:48
Speaker 3: help them find their purpose offline. It cannot be that
25:53
Speaker 3: my purpose is to play Fortnite every night for eight hours.
25:55
Speaker 3: That can That's not a purpose. And for girls, for
25:59
Speaker 3: them to always worry about their looks and their makeup
26:01
Speaker 3: and their hair and their eyelashes, and that can't be
26:04
Speaker 3: their purpose. It will lead to disaster. They will be depressed,
26:07
Speaker 3: they will be anxious, and they will continue to crave
26:13
Speaker 3: this low effort, high reward activity. Like when is that
26:18
Speaker 3: ever going to stop if you don't stop it in
26:21
Speaker 3: high school and in middle school, and I believe little
26:24
Speaker 3: things like every third grader, at least by fifth grade,
26:28
Speaker 3: your child should be doing all their own laundry. They
26:30
Speaker 3: should be contributing to the house. They should be learning
26:32
Speaker 3: how to make a meal. They should, you know, do
26:35
Speaker 3: the dishes and clean the way that you do, and
26:40
Speaker 3: to get them that purpose to feel part of your family.
26:43
Speaker 3: And quite frankly, there's just not enough time for the
26:48
Speaker 3: shallow stuff they're doing on their screens, much less the
26:51
Speaker 3: dangerous stuff they're doing. You know, Tim, we hear a
26:55
Speaker 3: lot about the dangerous stuff. Just again, last night, a
26:58
Speaker 3: whole nother came across my desk from a girl of
27:02
Speaker 3: fifteen year old girl that was catfish gotten an uber
27:05
Speaker 3: for four hours. Okay, she was at a grandmother's left
27:08
Speaker 3: her grandmother got an uber before went to the border
27:11
Speaker 3: okay of Mexico. Like I'm like, oh my gosh, what
27:14
Speaker 3: is happening with these kids? You know, we talk a
27:16
Speaker 3: lot about that, and that's really bad, and those are
27:19
Speaker 3: the stories that rise up to the surface on social media.
27:23
Speaker 3: But what we need to also talk about is what's
27:28
Speaker 3: being displaced by this stuff, like the sheer amount of
27:31
Speaker 3: time the kids are spending on their device. Just imagine
27:36
Speaker 3: what would happen if we converted those hours to something productive.
27:40
Speaker 3: You know, we'd have a cure for cancer by now.
27:42
Speaker 3: I'm convinced if we could take all these brains that
27:45
Speaker 3: are just so ripe for learning and actually gave them
27:50
Speaker 3: purposeful work to do, in purposeful hobbies and purposeful interest,
27:55
Speaker 3: it would just be amazing. And then the mental health
27:57
Speaker 3: crisis would be gone. We wouldn't have a mental health crisis.
28:01
Speaker 3: It would not be the same. So it's not just
28:04
Speaker 3: the bad stuff that's happening with the content. Even if
28:07
Speaker 3: it's good content, it is a waste of time and
28:10
Speaker 3: it's a waste of childhood. And like I said, you know,
28:13
Speaker 3: when they're like you and I and we're older and
28:15
Speaker 3: we have jobs and we have to be on screens.
28:16
Speaker 3: They'll have the rest of their life to do that.
28:19
Speaker 3: But they'll do it much better if they have the
28:20
Speaker 3: foundation of screenstrong lifestyle where they've put it aside for
28:26
Speaker 3: now so they can grow their brains.
28:28
Speaker 2: So, you know, I think I think that parents. I
28:31
Speaker 2: think parents also just need information about what. Again, it's
28:35
Speaker 2: one thing to say what we're talking about. Another thing
28:38
Speaker 2: to say, let me show what's going on in their
28:39
Speaker 2: head and their brain and their nervous system. I see
28:42
Speaker 2: a lot of girls in my counseling practice who come
28:44
Speaker 2: in and they've been diagnosed with anxiety disorders or depression
28:48
Speaker 2: or ADHD, different kinds of things, And when I kind
28:53
Speaker 2: of get below the surface, it's I think a lot
28:55
Speaker 2: of times what's been happening is is too much screen
28:58
Speaker 2: time is one thing, but also because of that, not
29:02
Speaker 2: enough sleep, and because of that, you know, it affects
29:05
Speaker 2: their ability to pay attention and to focus on one thing.
29:08
Speaker 2: It also affects their friendships because they're not spending enough
29:11
Speaker 2: time in person, which means they're more lonely and disconnected.
29:14
Speaker 2: All those things have a huge effect on their mental health.
29:17
Speaker 2: It's not about a disorder, it's about they need better
29:21
Speaker 2: balance in their life and they need a healthier sort
29:23
Speaker 2: of lifestyle.
29:24
Speaker 3: Yeah, we're creating mental health problems. Yeah, then used to
29:27
Speaker 3: be that way. I mean, I'm not saying they don't exist.
29:30
Speaker 3: I'm sure absolutely they do, but we're actually putting the
29:34
Speaker 3: fertilizer on it, like we're creating. I love that you
29:37
Speaker 3: talked about sleep, because that is something that most parents
29:41
Speaker 3: really don't understand the medical implications of sleep deprivation. It
29:46
Speaker 3: is devastating. And when you just crack open the book
29:49
Speaker 3: and read a little bit about that. We talk a
29:51
Speaker 3: lot about sleep in our book because we want kids
29:54
Speaker 3: to understand how their brains will not be healthy if
29:58
Speaker 3: they don't have enough sleep, and we want them to
29:59
Speaker 3: understand all those reasons why we unpack all these things
30:02
Speaker 3: that you're just talking about, the loneliness, the you know,
30:06
Speaker 3: the deep friendships, and it is the displacement. So even
30:09
Speaker 3: if we are not worried, you know, or we think, oh,
30:13
Speaker 3: my kid is never going to click on that video,
30:17
Speaker 3: that's a whole nother story. But even if you think that,
30:20
Speaker 3: it is the amount of time that they're spending on
30:25
Speaker 3: an activity that doesn't have a rich payoff at least
30:28
Speaker 3: not right now, not right now, not right now where
30:31
Speaker 3: they need to be really establishing these really good habits.
30:35
Speaker 3: And I'm assuming in your practice that once you can
30:38
Speaker 3: help a girl understand this, and once you can help
30:42
Speaker 3: our understanding science behind it, that it does affect their
30:47
Speaker 3: use of media. I think that kids are real deliberate
30:51
Speaker 3: and they are very intelligent it doesn't mean they're mature. Right,
30:57
Speaker 3: This is another scientific fact. Just because you're smart doesn't
30:59
Speaker 3: mean you're mature. Sure, intelligence has nothing to do with maturity.
31:03
Speaker 3: And this is a trip for parents because they get
31:05
Speaker 3: real tripped by this, And I know because I did,
31:07
Speaker 3: because Adam had straight a's his entire life. And in fact,
31:10
Speaker 3: Adam has finished the army, he's back, he did serve overseas, whatnot.
31:16
Speaker 3: He did come back and he went through law school
31:17
Speaker 3: and graduated fourth in his class. He's very smart. And
31:21
Speaker 3: that that really tripped me up when he was in
31:24
Speaker 3: high school because I thought he's so smart, he's fine.
31:28
Speaker 3: You know, parents, you know, we kind of grade our
31:30
Speaker 3: parenting on our kids' grades, right, and I'm thinking, oh,
31:33
Speaker 3: we're doing a good job over here, and we were
31:36
Speaker 3: not doing a good job at all. But you know,
31:38
Speaker 3: we didn't know. We didn't know, and now we do.
31:41
Speaker 3: But I think that your point about kids understanding the
31:45
Speaker 3: science is so important and I feel like even with
31:49
Speaker 3: your work that you do that when you when you
31:52
Speaker 3: can spend time talking about that, it talked about the
31:56
Speaker 3: brain science, it takes a lot of that emotional blame
32:01
Speaker 3: off of the child, and the child thinks, oh my gosh, well,
32:05
Speaker 3: this is how my brain like. It's not me, it's
32:08
Speaker 3: my brain. You know, I'm not quite there yet.
32:11
Speaker 2: And I'm not crazy.
32:13
Speaker 3: No, I'm not crazy.
32:14
Speaker 2: Right, there's chemical reasons in your that are causing life
32:18
Speaker 2: behavior is not and I mean, I mean you're you're
32:22
Speaker 2: you're causing it in a sense because you're spending so
32:24
Speaker 2: much time, yeah, advice and things. But you know the
32:28
Speaker 2: other thing when when girls come to my weekend retreats
32:30
Speaker 2: in my summer camps, there's no electronics, no phones, all that,
32:34
Speaker 2: and you know, at first it's a it's a hard
32:36
Speaker 2: cell for the middle and high schoolers. But we have
32:39
Speaker 2: a lot of repeaters that once they've been there for
32:41
Speaker 2: a weekend or a week without their phone. At the
32:44
Speaker 2: end of the week, I always ask them, did you
32:46
Speaker 2: miss your phone? And the answer is no, and they
32:51
Speaker 2: were happy. They will say, it was so nice to
32:54
Speaker 2: have a break. It was so nice to actually talk
32:56
Speaker 2: to people. We were sitting at meals talking to each other,
32:59
Speaker 2: were walking to the lake talking to each other and
33:03
Speaker 2: making eye contact, and so it sounds so basic, but
33:06
Speaker 2: they forget that that's what they're missing. They're missing the
33:09
Speaker 2: depth of conversation. They're missing the depth of friendship. So
33:13
Speaker 2: that but I see so many girls and now who
33:16
Speaker 2: are in college who are struggling with friendships. And I
33:19
Speaker 2: interviewed a couple of them from one of my podcasts
33:21
Speaker 2: this past year, and they were saying, how hard it
33:23
Speaker 2: is to make friends at college. Yes, because everybody's walking
33:27
Speaker 2: around looking at their phone. Yeah, and so they they've
33:31
Speaker 2: become they always say, everybody's so socially awkward. Well they
33:34
Speaker 2: are they Yeah, they have practice and they haven't had
33:38
Speaker 2: the building blocks.
33:39
Speaker 3: They haven't. Yeah, you have to start, you know, from scratch.
33:43
Speaker 3: You can't just all of a sudden be an interesting person.
33:45
Speaker 3: You have to start from scratch and start early learning
33:48
Speaker 3: how to figure out facial keys and expressions and learn
33:52
Speaker 3: and get confidence around all that. And the only way
33:55
Speaker 3: that you can do that is being face to face
33:56
Speaker 3: with people. When my twins, the two younger boys, went
33:59
Speaker 3: to college last year, they had Now they have a smartphone.
34:04
Speaker 3: They didn't have a smartphone all the way through high school.
34:06
Speaker 3: They they got a smartphone. They ended up buying a
34:09
Speaker 3: two hundred dollars thing off eBay or something, you know,
34:12
Speaker 3: because we don't buy smartphones for kids I don't care
34:14
Speaker 3: how old they are. That's just my rule. And so
34:17
Speaker 3: it's fine they can have one. And we do have
34:19
Speaker 3: a really good filter on it, which is awesome because
34:22
Speaker 3: you definitely need that. But they said when they would
34:25
Speaker 3: go meet people because they don't have social media, that
34:27
Speaker 3: is one thing that they definitely hate because they saw
34:31
Speaker 3: what it did to their friends in high school. And
34:33
Speaker 3: so when they would go meet people, the person would
34:36
Speaker 3: immediately say, well, what's your Snap? I'll snap you, and
34:40
Speaker 3: they would have to say, I don't have social media,
34:43
Speaker 3: I don't have Snap. And one hundred percent of the
34:45
Speaker 3: time so far, one hundred percent of the people have
34:48
Speaker 3: said and call it. They're like they look at them,
34:50
Speaker 3: they say, oh, man, I wish I didn't have any
34:52
Speaker 3: or do you do that? How do you do that? Right?
34:55
Speaker 3: And it is so sad. It is so sad because
34:59
Speaker 3: now we're learning from the science, from the research, from
35:02
Speaker 3: all the statistics that we have, we're learning that this
35:05
Speaker 3: experiment didn't go over very well. The kids who grew
35:08
Speaker 3: up with smartphones are at a big disadvantage. Not every kid,
35:14
Speaker 3: you won't see it necessarily like anything, it's not one
35:16
Speaker 3: hundred percent, but they are at a disadvantage. The risk
35:20
Speaker 3: is much higher that they're going to have problems. The
35:22
Speaker 3: risk is much higher that they're not going to have
35:26
Speaker 3: reached their fullest potential because of the stumbling blocks that
35:30
Speaker 3: are in the way. So again, even if it's not
35:33
Speaker 3: just the content, it's just the sheer amount of time.
35:36
Speaker 2: So we're talking to Melanie Happy, and she has a
35:40
Speaker 2: really good website that I want all of you to go
35:42
Speaker 2: to when we're down to the show. It's called Screenstrong,
35:45
Speaker 2: and so I'll make sure I have those links in
35:49
Speaker 2: my show notes as they always do. So tell parents
35:52
Speaker 2: when they go to their website if they have a
35:54
Speaker 2: grade school or middle school or high school, how to
35:58
Speaker 2: approach that and what what resources they can they can
36:01
Speaker 2: they'll be.
36:02
Speaker 3: Finding in there right So we have so many resources.
36:06
Speaker 3: We've been around for a long time, so we've collected
36:08
Speaker 3: a lot of things. The first thing you want to
36:10
Speaker 3: do is to go in and get into our connect group.
36:13
Speaker 3: We have a forum. It's free and it's for parents
36:15
Speaker 3: to go in and ask questions. We've got the seven
36:18
Speaker 3: Day detalks in there, we have a thirty day Detox.
36:21
Speaker 3: There's a lot of things you can get involved with
36:23
Speaker 3: right away, just at a click if you have a girl,
36:27
Speaker 3: which I'm imagining that your audience here listening probably does.
36:30
Speaker 3: One of the first books I wrote was called Can
36:33
Speaker 3: Your Teen Survive and Thrive Without a Smartphone? And this
36:36
Speaker 3: is what it's like, and if you sign up for
36:38
Speaker 3: our connect Plus group you get the free ebook of this.
36:41
Speaker 3: But can your Teen Survive and Thrive Without a Smartphone
36:43
Speaker 3: was about my daughter in raising her without a smartphone
36:47
Speaker 3: and social media. So I highly recommend that condensed version
36:52
Speaker 3: of that material is on our substack and one of
36:55
Speaker 3: the earlier substacks about raising kids without smartphones. It has
36:59
Speaker 3: gotten a this amount of traction, and I would highly
37:02
Speaker 3: recommend that I would immediately get the Kids' Brains and Screens.
37:06
Speaker 3: Get one of the here you know, one of the
37:08
Speaker 3: books if you have middle school kids or older. This
37:13
Speaker 3: is the best one Kids Brains and Screens. This is
37:15
Speaker 3: the student edition, and this is even really good for
37:18
Speaker 3: high school kids. We have a lot of ninth and
37:20
Speaker 3: tenth grades that are using it, so it's also really
37:23
Speaker 3: good just for your family to sit down and read
37:26
Speaker 3: a section every day. There's eight chapters in here. There's
37:29
Speaker 3: eight lessons, but they're broken into three sections a piece
37:33
Speaker 3: so it's a real bite sized thing that you can
37:35
Speaker 3: do to do, you know, in the evening, to take
37:38
Speaker 3: a little section and read through it as a family.
37:41
Speaker 3: If you have a younger child, obviously the New Adventures
37:44
Speaker 3: book is really good to go with it, but I
37:48
Speaker 3: have middle school kids in high school kids that love
37:50
Speaker 3: this book. The point is to use our material to
37:56
Speaker 3: bridge these conversations with your kids. So it tastes you
38:00
Speaker 3: out of the you know, feeling like the bad guy, right,
38:04
Speaker 3: and I can be the bad guy. I'm great with
38:07
Speaker 3: being the bad guy. Like this nurse over here is
38:10
Speaker 3: the bad guy, but no, put the science in front
38:13
Speaker 3: of him and talk about it logically and try to stop,
38:18
Speaker 3: you know, arguing with your kids about this. So also
38:21
Speaker 3: on our website, we have access to the podcast, which
38:24
Speaker 3: is every week, and a lot of parents love going
38:26
Speaker 3: back in the history of our podcast because depending on
38:29
Speaker 3: what you're struggling with, you can find a really, really
38:32
Speaker 3: good episode. We have over two hundred and fifty episodes
38:35
Speaker 3: I think right now, and we just there's a wealth
38:38
Speaker 3: of information there. You mentioned the substack already. It's called
38:41
Speaker 3: B B E. Screenstrong. That is the name of the substack,
38:45
Speaker 3: and I typically post every week and on substack it's
38:49
Speaker 3: a little more than a blog, right, so it's it's
38:51
Speaker 3: a little more long form. But honestly, Tim, the one
38:55
Speaker 3: that just got posted this week is so fabulous because
38:58
Speaker 3: it's by a dad. His name is Dan. You'll have
39:01
Speaker 3: to go read it, and it's his perspective and he's
39:04
Speaker 3: a coach and he ended up raising his kids without
39:07
Speaker 3: vida games and smartphones, and it's just great to hear
39:09
Speaker 3: from a dad's perspective. We have a lot of resources.
39:12
Speaker 3: If you click on the resource section and in that
39:16
Speaker 3: section you're going to find book recommendations. We have a
39:19
Speaker 3: whole section for a free pdf download section where you
39:23
Speaker 3: can look we have one of them that's a list
39:26
Speaker 3: of two hundred things to do when you're not on
39:28
Speaker 3: your screen. So we have a lot of practical things.
39:31
Speaker 3: In fact, we have so many resources, but these books
39:34
Speaker 3: are our most current in the last two years, after
39:38
Speaker 3: years and years of figuring out what parents need. We
39:41
Speaker 3: also have a parent course that is digital and we
39:47
Speaker 3: did workshops until COVID hit and then we had to
39:49
Speaker 3: put it on a digital format because we couldn't get out.
39:52
Speaker 3: So that is still very popular. And like I said
39:55
Speaker 3: that thirty day detox is also something to look into.
39:59
Speaker 3: We give you step by step And this is not
40:02
Speaker 3: a tech company, you know, telling you resources around balance.
40:09
Speaker 3: That's not what we are. We are not industry funded.
40:12
Speaker 3: We are a five oh one C three nonprofit organization.
40:16
Speaker 3: Our main focus is to provide education. So everything you
40:19
Speaker 3: see is like science and it's education. But it's also
40:25
Speaker 3: what I bring to the table is this incredible experience
40:29
Speaker 3: I have with boots on the ground, not only my
40:31
Speaker 3: own house, but with hundreds and thousands of families that
40:35
Speaker 3: we've helped over the years. So you get a lot
40:38
Speaker 3: of that wisdom, if you know what I mean.
40:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I think one of the things I encourage
40:43
Speaker 2: parents to do. It's hard to be alone out there,
40:48
Speaker 2: like the lone voice in the night when when all
40:51
Speaker 2: of my friends have a phone and all of my
40:53
Speaker 2: friends are on social media and all that. I think.
40:55
Speaker 2: I think it's smart sometimes if you can, if you
40:58
Speaker 2: have relationships at all with you kids, better friends, like
41:01
Speaker 2: they're a little they're tight group to have a barbecue
41:04
Speaker 2: and then and talk about every parent i'd ever met.
41:07
Speaker 2: And my wife and I travel around gift talks to
41:08
Speaker 2: parenting groups all over the place. And they're all worried.
41:11
Speaker 2: Everybody doesn't like it, nobody wants your kid on it.
41:14
Speaker 2: Some of them have given in, and they always say,
41:17
Speaker 2: how do you take the put the take the genie
41:20
Speaker 2: back out of the bottle and all this. The truth
41:22
Speaker 2: is if you can bind together with a handful of
41:25
Speaker 2: parents where your kids spend the most time with, maybe
41:28
Speaker 2: have them all read the same book, them all read, yeah,
41:31
Speaker 2: and then and then sit down with their kids and
41:33
Speaker 2: say here's what we've decided that yeh, I'm.
41:36
Speaker 3: So glad you brought that up, because we're relaunching our
41:39
Speaker 3: screens from book club template. In fact, I was working
41:42
Speaker 3: on an earlier today. So within the month we're going
41:45
Speaker 3: to have that back up there. And it's for parents,
41:49
Speaker 3: like anybody listening, you know, to go get three of
41:51
Speaker 3: your friends and you don't have to have a big group,
41:53
Speaker 3: but you could have fifteen people, or you'd have three people,
41:56
Speaker 3: and you want to read and learn some of this
41:59
Speaker 3: together and even watch some videos. I mean even watching
42:02
Speaker 3: the Social Dilemma or something like that, you know, together
42:05
Speaker 3: as a group and then understanding, hey, we're going to
42:08
Speaker 3: stick together on this. And what we did when my
42:11
Speaker 3: younger boys were in third grade. We did exactly this,
42:14
Speaker 3: and that's how I made it with them through middle
42:17
Speaker 3: school because we had friends that were in our book
42:20
Speaker 3: club and we all agreed, this is how we're going
42:22
Speaker 3: to raise our kids. And then we all played together.
42:25
Speaker 3: So they went to Timmy's house and Timmy came over here,
42:28
Speaker 3: and you know, we had this network, and that was
42:33
Speaker 3: probably one of the best things I ever did. To
42:35
Speaker 3: your point, exactly, we're restructuring our ambassador program, so now
42:40
Speaker 3: we have it's going to be called a community leader.
42:42
Speaker 3: And that's what anybody listening. They can be a community leader.
42:45
Speaker 3: They can start a book club. We will give you
42:47
Speaker 3: the tools to do this. You can jump on that
42:49
Speaker 3: right away. That's something really easy to do. But I
42:54
Speaker 3: will tell you that you do have to have grit
42:57
Speaker 3: and you have to have determination, because even some of
43:00
Speaker 3: your best friends are going to jump ship. This happens
43:03
Speaker 3: a lot, you know, for one reason or another, the
43:06
Speaker 3: parent just doesn't stick to the plan. And you have
43:09
Speaker 3: to purpose in your heart ahead of time that you
43:12
Speaker 3: are going to stick to the plan that nothing ever
43:15
Speaker 3: bad has happened to a kid who doesn't have a phone.
43:18
Speaker 3: It's like, you know, I did the experiment and with
43:20
Speaker 3: my younger ones, I'm like, Okay, I'm gonna do this
43:22
Speaker 3: experiment and I'm gonna tell everybody if it works. And seriously,
43:26
Speaker 3: there's no way we would ever go back. And they
43:28
Speaker 3: would tell you today, And if you have a chance
43:31
Speaker 3: to listen to some of the podcasts from Andrew and Evan,
43:33
Speaker 3: they will and their own words tell you it was
43:35
Speaker 3: so much fun. So I think a lot of people
43:38
Speaker 3: think that by not giving devices, we're being mean parents
43:41
Speaker 3: and we're holding things back from our kids. And what
43:43
Speaker 3: we don't realize, it's like this big secret that nobody
43:47
Speaker 3: tells you is that you have so much more fun
43:50
Speaker 3: when you don't have a phone. You end up spending
43:53
Speaker 3: more time with your siblings, You spend more time with
43:56
Speaker 3: your friends, You spend more time with your parents and
44:00
Speaker 3: as a family, you spend more time doing traditions and
44:04
Speaker 3: funny stories. Like your life happens a different way. It
44:08
Speaker 3: just happens in a different way. And let me tell you,
44:11
Speaker 3: you don't argue about screens. This is what the big
44:15
Speaker 3: myth is is. Well, if I don't get my kd aphone,
44:17
Speaker 3: if I take it away, they're gonna hate me and
44:19
Speaker 3: we're gonna fight forever. I'm like, no, no, you're gonna
44:21
Speaker 3: fight forever if they have a phone. Let me tell you,
44:23
Speaker 3: because when they get to ninth grade, it's gonna get worse.
44:25
Speaker 3: And it gets to tenth grade, oh my gosh, and
44:26
Speaker 3: then eleventh grade you're gonna lose them and they're gonna
44:29
Speaker 3: be doing all the stuff behind your back, like you.
44:32
Speaker 3: It gets harder when they have screens. So it's much
44:35
Speaker 3: better for them to launch. Leave your nest, go to college,
44:40
Speaker 3: having all these wonderful memories at home of all the
44:44
Speaker 3: fun and silly things you did as a family. You'll
44:47
Speaker 3: never have a chance to do this again ever. So
44:51
Speaker 3: wherever you are in your journey, start today. Just start
44:53
Speaker 3: right now and start rethinking some of this, and a good.
44:59
Speaker 2: Place start and a good places sorry, A good place
45:03
Speaker 2: to start would be to go to your website. Yeah,
45:05
Speaker 2: and I will put the links for all of Melanie
45:08
Speaker 2: Hempy's information on the show notes. So just go to
45:11
Speaker 2: www dot d r Tim Jordan dot com. As I
45:14
Speaker 2: always tell you every weekend, So if you're walking around
45:18
Speaker 2: and listening to this on your on your watch or whatever,
45:20
Speaker 2: you don't need to memorize it.
45:21
Speaker 3: I'll put them memorize. But you can remember screenstrong if
45:24
Speaker 3: you remember those two words, that's what it is. Screenstrong
45:27
Speaker 3: dot org and or dot com. It goes either way.
45:29
Speaker 3: And then our book we have a whole separate website
45:32
Speaker 3: for our books and that's Kids' Brains and screens dot com.
45:35
Speaker 3: But you can go to screenstrong dot com. You can
45:38
Speaker 3: find the books, you can find everything there. They're all
45:40
Speaker 3: linked together. And we're here to help you, know, Tim,
45:44
Speaker 3: let me know what else I can do for you
45:47
Speaker 3: and your practice and your audience. And you know, I'm
45:50
Speaker 3: just here to help. I want to tell my story.
45:52
Speaker 3: And the boys actually do a fabulous job on podcasts
45:56
Speaker 3: if you ever want them to come on and talk
45:58
Speaker 3: to you about what it was like grown up. And
46:01
Speaker 3: let me just tell you one little thing that Andrew
46:03
Speaker 3: gets a little embarrassed maybe when I say this, but
46:05
Speaker 3: he was on stage at a large convention speaking and
46:08
Speaker 3: he was telling the audience, you know, with girls, he said,
46:11
Speaker 3: because he's twenty one now and he was back when
46:13
Speaker 3: he was twenty, just young lad of twenty. And he said,
46:16
Speaker 3: you know, I'm in college now and and all these
46:19
Speaker 3: girls I'm meeting, all these girls, and they're all their
46:22
Speaker 3: heads down, they're all on their phone, and then they
46:26
Speaker 3: all look alike. Their hairs alike, they dress alike, they
46:29
Speaker 3: wear the same shoes, they talk alike. Everything is alike,
46:33
Speaker 3: he said, I think because they're just they're just watching
46:35
Speaker 3: each other all day long on social media, and they
46:37
Speaker 3: all look alike. And he looked up and he said,
46:38
Speaker 3: and I'm looking for one of a kind.
46:43
Speaker 2: Boy.
46:45
Speaker 3: That's not motivation. Daughter off the phone.
46:50
Speaker 2: So thank you so much for giving us your expertise
46:53
Speaker 2: and your time today. I think, and obviously there's so
46:56
Speaker 2: much more information that parents can get if they start
46:58
Speaker 2: the process of educating themself and your children, because there's
47:02
Speaker 2: lots of resources on that site. There are for kids
47:04
Speaker 2: to look at and to read and to educate themselves
47:07
Speaker 2: with you, of course, about their brains, the addictive pull
47:11
Speaker 2: of all these devices, and what the companies, platforms and
47:15
Speaker 2: those companies are doing to us, which they really are.
47:17
Speaker 2: And so I think it's good for kids to get
47:20
Speaker 2: that kind of perspective information.
47:22
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it takes it. What it does, tim is
47:25
Speaker 3: it takes all the emotion out and now you're just
47:28
Speaker 3: talking logically with your kid about something that becomes a
47:30
Speaker 3: very easy decision. At that point it gets much easier.
47:34
Speaker 3: So thank you for having me.
47:35
Speaker 2: You're welcome again. I'll put all those those sites and
47:39
Speaker 2: the information for how to get a hold of all
47:41
Speaker 2: this information on my show notes, so make sure you
47:44
Speaker 2: check their Thank you so much for coming on raising daughters.
47:47
Speaker 3: Thank you.
47:52
Speaker 2: Okay, So that was a good conversation with Melanie Humpy Again.
47:55
Speaker 2: I'll put those links to her site. Just really good information.
47:59
Speaker 2: I think you would going through that process of educating
48:02
Speaker 2: yourself and your kids maybe together, about the brain, the
48:07
Speaker 2: effects of phones and electronics and devices on their brains,
48:11
Speaker 2: the addictive part of it, why it's addictive all that.
48:14
Speaker 2: I think it's so the girls at camp when I
48:16
Speaker 2: talked to them about their brains when it comes to
48:19
Speaker 2: negative self talk and rumination and anxiety and depression and
48:24
Speaker 2: even this kind of thing, they're fascinated by it, and
48:26
Speaker 2: I think it really gives them a much better handle
48:29
Speaker 2: on making decisions for themselves about these devices. So I
48:33
Speaker 2: would strongly recommend you look for this information. I'll be
48:37
Speaker 2: back here in a week with a brand new topic.
48:40
Speaker 2: I do appreciate you passing these on to your friends
48:43
Speaker 2: so they can also hear these conversations. I'll be back
48:47
Speaker 2: again in a week. Thank you so much as always
48:49
Speaker 2: for stopping by.
48:57
Speaker 1: Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Raising Daughters.
49:01
Speaker 1: Hopefully you've learned something useful about girls and young women
49:04
Speaker 1: and how to help them navigate the pressures, challenges, and
49:07
Speaker 1: opportunities of modern life. If you want to become a
49:09
Speaker 1: more effective parent, keep listening to the show at doctor
49:13
Speaker 1: Tim Jordan dot com and let the conversations shape you.
49:16
Speaker 1: Build that one of a kind connection with your daughters
49:19
Speaker 1: in the most profound and meaningful ways possible, shaping them
49:22
Speaker 1: into strong, confident women of the future. That's all for now,
49:26
Speaker 1: see you next week for another episode of Raising Daughters.