Latest / ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women / 154 // How Much is Your ADHD Masking Tax

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154 // How Much is Your ADHD Masking Tax · ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women

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  We may not even be aware of it, but there is a cost to masking in ADHD.
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  In this podcast, I will give you the strategies to build God-centered confidence
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  so you can know in your heart that you do belong.
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  You are enough and you are made on purpose and with a purpose.
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  Hey, I'm Kelsey Spronk, fellow ADHD mom and entrepreneur. Join me in building confidence.
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  Hey friends, welcome to the ADHD with Confidence podcast.
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  I'm your host, Kelsey, and today we're going to talk about the ADHD masking
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  tax or the cost of ADHD masking.
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  Now, don't get me wrong, there are times where I mask intentionally and it is
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  for a purpose and a reason, but it doesn't burn me out.
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  And it's important to have the awareness of when it is something helpful that
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  we do in certain situations and when it is something that we constantly do and
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  we feel like we cannot authentically be ourselves and we can risk burning ourselves out.
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  We can risk, you know, losing who we are in the process and that is not what we want.
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  Make sure before we get into the episode that you
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  stick around until the end as I will give you a bonus tip at
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  the end that is about more than just unmasking
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  all right the ai definition of
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  masking adhd masking is the conscious or
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  unconscious suppression of natural adhd traits like impulsivity restlessness
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  or inattention to blend into a neurotypical world as i said at the start it's
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  not always bad sometimes we mask to, you know,
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  force ourselves to pay attention to a loved one during a conversation.
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  Instead of interrupting when we want to interrupt, we work on masking that natural
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  impulse so that we can make that person feel like we are paying attention to them.
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  We also do things like setting multiple reminders to help us remember tasks
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  or events and not be late.
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  I don't see anything wrong with that maybe we avoid joining a conversation because
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  we don't you know we're afraid of our impulsivity or talk talkativeness but
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  the problem comes up when we feel like we can't ever just be ourselves this
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  can be exhausting it can burn us out.
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  And when we are constantly suppressing who we naturally are,
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  it can prevent us from really learning to become the person that we want to become.
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  I laugh as I'm saying this because, you know, I think about the fact that for
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  me, I have combined type ADHD. So I have that kind of impulsivity,
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  restlessness, interruption, things like that.
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  And it's it's funny because there are times where you know I'm at the coffee shop and,
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  instinctively I would just love to interrupt everyone's conversations but
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  I have learned to be what's the word
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  I've learned to be a little bit more choosy
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  with when I do this or how often and you know I've tried to do
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  it a little bit less sometimes now but the fact is is that for me having a podcast
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  means that I can talk to you and you can choose if if and when you want to listen
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  but it allows me to use those things that I enjoy of teaching and explaining and sharing,
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  but in such a way that may not frustrate others as much as if I'm constantly
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  interrupting or butting into their conversation.
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  I'm not saying that's all bad either, but it's figuring out this balance of
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  when is it something that's good and helpful, and when is it something that's costing us too much.
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  As another example, often, When I'm doing an interview here on the podcast,
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  I had somebody point out to me in the past that I say a lot of mm-hmms,
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  you know, agreement with the person.
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  And that stems from a good place of I want them to know that I'm listening and
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  that I understand that I'm still with them.
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  But it was pretty distracting. And so something that I do during interviews
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  is I very consciously choose not to say that.
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  I kind of say it in my head, but I don't say it out loud anymore.
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  So that's an example of masking that I don't believe is bad.
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  It's helpful. It means that when you're listening to an interview,
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  you're not distracted by my little, you know, sounds that I make throughout.
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  So some tips I have for you here, some things I want you to think about if you
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  are struggling with ADHD masking.
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  The first one is I want you to become aware.
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  When are you masking? When are you, you know, hiding or suppressing those natural ADHD traits?
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  Is it in your friendships, your marriage your
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  work your parenting when does
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  this come up for you the second question
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  i want you to think about the cost in
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  those different situations with the different types of masking what is the cost
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  of masking for you so for example what i said when i'm doing an interview not
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  saying all the time is not costing me a lot it does not require a ton of effort on my part.
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  It was a slight change that I still need to be aware of, but it doesn't make
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  it feel like I can't be myself.
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  It doesn't mean that I can't show up authentically.
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  Whereas in other situations, there have been times where I have tried not to
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  let on that I'm struggling, not to let on that,
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  I'm, you know, feeling overcome by rejection sensitivity, and I feel like an absolute failure.
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  And when I bottle that up, and I don't share that, especially with the people
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  close to me, my loved ones.
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  That is going to cost me a lot. That is going to make me feel low.
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  That is going to make me feel discouraged. It's going to make me potentially feel unlovable.
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  If I close in and I don't allow my loved ones to be a part of that with me,
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  that is going to crush me.
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  That's not going to be good. So I want you to think about what is the cost of
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  the different ways that you mask?
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  When is it helpful? And when is it hurtful?
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  Number three, how can you interrupt the feeling of being unsafe?
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  So often we mask because we feel unsafe. We feel like we need to protect ourselves.
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  We need to protect how people think of us. We want to feel safe.
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  So in those situations where you feel the instinctive need to mask?
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  Is it possible that you are dysregulated and that it would be helpful to take a deep breath,
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  to relax your shoulders, to slow your pace, to remind yourself that you are
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  loved and lovable exactly as you are?
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  Is that going to help in that situation?
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  Number four, I want you to think about your response.
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  And by your response, I mean, what are you going to do?
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  So you have this awareness of when you are masking, you understand the cost of it.
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  You have worked on regulating your nervous system. Now, how do you want to respond?
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  Think about when are the times that you want to mask a little,
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  like my podcast interview example where I don't say mm-hmm all the time.
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  When are the times where the masking is too much and you feel restricted,
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  restrained, you feel crushed, you feel like you can't even be yourself anymore?
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  And look at those and think about how can you make adjustments?
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  Is this a situation where it would be safe for you to start to unmask a little
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  bit more, start to figure out ways where you can truly be yourself?
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  And that goes into the third part of your response is think about where you can be fully yourself.
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  Where can you be authentically you? It's important that we have people and places
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  where we don't even have to think about masking and we can just be as interesting as we are.
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  And so I think part of that is finding or recognizing the people that you can
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  be yourself with and then letting your mask down in the other areas a little
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  bit more with other people.
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  So maybe requesting a different environment, different supports,
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  different strategies, you know, self-awareness of what you need and then self-advocacy,
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  speaking up for yourself. And I'm not saying that that's easy.
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  It can be helpful to start with smaller steps. but
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  what I'm saying is that it's important and that
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  you matter and that your well-being matters
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  and you being able to thrive
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  and succeed in your life matters and yes there are times where you know we need
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  to follow through and be on time you know getting to work or picking our kid
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  up for school so maybe we set some reminders some alarms that go off I think
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  that's okay that's not costing,
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  for me anyways, that's not costing me too much.
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  But if you look and there are times where you are masking and hiding yourself,
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  I want you to think about long term, what is that going to cost you?
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  What is that going to do in your life versus if you were able to truly be yourself
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  and embrace who you are and live a fulfilling, full life like that?
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  And this is that tip that I promised for the end.
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  So it's not just about unmasking. it's also about
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  finding a life that fits for
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  you and this is something that we work on in coaching we actually
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  have a whole framework for figuring out a life that
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  fits for you so if you are interested in that head to
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  adhdwithconfidence.com and book a free intake call i don't think we should settle
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  there are ways that you can excel that you can succeed we just need to figure
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  out what they are and that takes time and it takes discernment and exploration and curiosity and.
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  Experimenting and trying different things and understanding who you are.
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  There are still going to be times where we mask a little bit,
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  but I want us to find a good balance where we are also working towards favoring out your best life,
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  a life that fits for you, where you can thrive and feel like you were succeeding,
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  where you feel like you were contributing in all different areas of your life
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  and not like you're being suffocated by needing to mask all the time.
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  As a recap, I want you to work on awareness of when you are masking.
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  Think about the cost of masking.
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  Interrupt your dysregulation. Take a deep breath. Relax your shoulders.
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  Slow down. Remind yourself that you are, in fact, safe.
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  And then think about how you want to respond to the different ways that you are masking with ADHD.
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  Thank you so much for being in today's episode with me. Don't forget to click
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  that follow button. I look forward to the next one. Until then, God bless.