Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Self Love Mini Series Day 1 (E)

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Self Love Mini Series Day 1 (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:15
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:19
Speaker 1: So in today's episode, we are going to be starting
0:23
Speaker 1: our mini series on self love. So this is five
0:27
Speaker 1: days in a row. I'm going to aim to make
0:29
Speaker 1: these episodes around the fifteen minute mark, but don't sue
0:32
Speaker 1: me if it goes over, because we all know how
0:34
Speaker 1: much I love to talk. Sorry, I near I just
0:38
Speaker 1: choke to myself because I've got reflux because I'm hopingly pregnant.
0:41
Speaker 2: Anyway, we all know how much I love to talk,
0:43
Speaker 2: So the chances of this going higher than the fifteen
0:47
Speaker 2: minute mark is significantly high. Anyway, I've done a whole
0:51
Speaker 2: bunch of self love episodes in the past. We've talked,
0:54
Speaker 2: we've spoken about confidence, self love in general, self respect,
0:59
Speaker 2: how to act implement self love, what self love actually is,
1:02
Speaker 2: how to improve on it, what it is, what it
1:04
Speaker 2: isn't everything. So this mini series is.
1:07
Speaker 1: Going to compile a lot of the things that I've
1:09
Speaker 1: shared and more over the last five years of the
1:12
Speaker 1: podcast in a way that's kind of bite sized, in
1:16
Speaker 1: a way that hopefully it gets embedded better into your
1:19
Speaker 1: mind because we're doing it every day for five days.
1:22
Speaker 1: I would love for you to also be writing things
1:25
Speaker 1: down that resonate with you. When you write it down,
1:27
Speaker 1: you're more likely to remember it you read it out repetition.
1:31
Speaker 1: It's the best. Okay, So let's dive straight in. I'm
1:36
Speaker 1: not going to give a life update. I'm not going
1:38
Speaker 1: to give any of that. We're not doing a brain factor.
1:39
Speaker 1: We're diving straight in because, like I said, I'm giving
1:41
Speaker 1: myself fifteen minutes. Okay, let's begin. We're doing self love.
1:47
Speaker 1: So the first thing that I wanted to talk about
1:49
Speaker 1: in this episode is self love has nothing to do
1:53
Speaker 1: with being up yourself. Okay. It is quiet confidence. That's
1:58
Speaker 1: how I want you to think about real self love,
2:00
Speaker 1: a quiet confidence within yourself. It doesn't feel loud, it
2:04
Speaker 1: does not feel competitive with yourself, and it doesn't feel
2:07
Speaker 1: competitive with other people. It's fine to have like healthy
2:10
Speaker 1: competition with yourself, but that's not what we're talking about.
2:12
Speaker 1: When it comes to self love. It's not forced. It's
2:16
Speaker 1: kind of this steady relationship with yourself. Okay. Being up
2:21
Speaker 1: yourself quote unquote is kind of an insecurity in disguise. Okay.
2:26
Speaker 1: The next thing that I want you to think about
2:28
Speaker 1: is that your relationship with yourself. What we're working on
2:31
Speaker 1: over the next five days, sets the tone for everything
2:35
Speaker 1: else in your life. It sets the tone for every
2:37
Speaker 1: other relationship in your life. It sets the tone for
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Speaker 1: your relationship with your career, with your abilities, with you know,
2:44
Speaker 1: your mental health, with absolutely everything. If you can really
2:47
Speaker 1: focus on honing in on your relationship with yourself, it
2:50
Speaker 1: will influence and determine the outcome of almost everything else
2:55
Speaker 1: in your life. Okay, it's kind of like your relationship
2:57
Speaker 1: with your brain and your mind and your mental health,
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Speaker 1: and it all time into this one thing, and that's
3:01
Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself. So how you talk to yourself,
3:04
Speaker 1: how you treat yourself, what you do with yourself when
3:09
Speaker 1: the chips are down, How do you pick yourself back
3:12
Speaker 1: up again? Do you pick yourself back up again? Do
3:14
Speaker 1: you think you can rely on yourself? Do you think
3:17
Speaker 1: that you can have your back if things go wrong?
3:19
Speaker 1: Do you only ever seek external validation versus validating yourself?
3:24
Speaker 1: Do you ever trust your own gut without trying to
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Speaker 1: get ten other people to agree with you before you
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Speaker 1: feel confident in doing that thing? All these things reflect
3:32
Speaker 1: how you then experience everything else in your life. One
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Speaker 1: major thing that we do when we really struggle with
3:39
Speaker 1: self love is that we outsource our self worth constantly, right,
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Speaker 1: We look for anything other than ourselves to prove that
3:48
Speaker 1: we're good enough. Not that we're amazing, because when you
3:52
Speaker 1: have lower levels of self love, we don't often really
3:54
Speaker 1: feel that way anyway, but that we're good enough. Okay,
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Speaker 1: So here we are outsourcing our self worth. Does this
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Speaker 1: person think I'm good enough? Is this person complimenting me?
4:03
Speaker 1: Is this person agreeing with what I'm saying? You almost
4:06
Speaker 1: feel like you can't go and say something or do
4:09
Speaker 1: something until you get this kind of approval. And it's
4:12
Speaker 1: not like you're out there constantly seeking approval from people,
4:16
Speaker 1: but it's this silent approval that you're looking for. It's
4:18
Speaker 1: kind of these You're always looking for clues that people
4:21
Speaker 1: will validate your existing beliefs or how you feel or
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Speaker 1: what you're about to do. You will, you know, let's
4:29
Speaker 1: say you want to move somewhere. Let's say you want
4:31
Speaker 1: to do something with your life. Let's say you want
4:32
Speaker 1: to change careers. None of this seems possible unless you
4:36
Speaker 1: have like an army of people or a select number
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Speaker 1: of people that kind of agree with you. And when
4:41
Speaker 1: you do that, you are outsourcing your self worth. You're
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Speaker 1: basically saying people's opinions of my body, of my choices,
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Speaker 1: of my aesthetic, of my career, of anything is more
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Speaker 1: important than mine. The moment you say that you are
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Speaker 1: your self love, your relationship with yourself suffers. There is
5:03
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with seeking people's opinion. There's nothing wrong with
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Speaker 1: asking people if they agree or disagree, especially if they're
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Speaker 1: a mentor, especially if they've gone through what you've gone through,
5:11
Speaker 1: especially if you really respect where they're out and how
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Speaker 1: they view a situation. But when you look at that
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Speaker 1: from everything, and when you think I can't make a
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Speaker 1: new move or do something differently until I get that approval,
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Speaker 1: you're literally saying to yourself, I'm outsourcing myself worth. I
5:24
Speaker 1: can't do this for myself. Another thing that I want
5:26
Speaker 1: you to really think about is do a bit of
5:28
Speaker 1: an inventory. And this is an exercise that I want
5:30
Speaker 1: you to do today if you can. But what are
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Speaker 1: the main things? Not everything? Because we're not here to
5:35
Speaker 1: put ourselves down, and I don't want this exercise to
5:37
Speaker 1: be like, Wow, I'm really mean to myself. But what
5:39
Speaker 1: are kind of the key things where you notice negative
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Speaker 1: self talk crop up is it with body image, is
5:45
Speaker 1: it with your abilities? Might not be confident with your
5:48
Speaker 1: abilities within your career? Like where is it that you
5:51
Speaker 1: notice this negative self talk crop up? And you're going
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Speaker 1: to realize just just mention the first few, Okay, you're
5:59
Speaker 1: going to realize that so many of these things have
6:01
Speaker 1: been borrowed. You either borrow it from hearing other people
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Speaker 1: talk about it all the time. Maybe you were told
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Speaker 1: these things within your career or within like how you
6:09
Speaker 1: grew up. Maybe your parents always spoke this way and
6:12
Speaker 1: you're just reflecting that language. But a lot of negative
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Speaker 1: self talk is borrowed. So when you do this kind
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Speaker 1: of inventory on just the key things, don't go it.
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Speaker 1: Don't don't make it this fucking negative spiral that you're
6:24
Speaker 1: going to go down. But just think, yeah, wow, I'm
6:26
Speaker 1: actually quite harsh on myself every time I look in
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Speaker 1: the mirror, and then I remember that, you know, that's
6:31
Speaker 1: just a reflection of what I grew up observing, or
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Speaker 1: it's a reflection of how all my friends talk about
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Speaker 1: their own bodies, or maybe the content that I am
6:37
Speaker 1: personally served on social media. It is often borrowed. So
6:41
Speaker 1: you're going to think, thank you very much, No thank
6:44
Speaker 1: you return to sender. Okay, if you find yourself another
6:49
Speaker 1: the next point, if you find yourself in comparison, you're
6:53
Speaker 1: going to realize that comparison creates isolation. Okay. When we
6:58
Speaker 1: compare ourselves all the time in order to gauge where
7:02
Speaker 1: we are at, you are creating isolation. You separate yourself,
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Speaker 1: whether it's upwards comparison or whether it's downwards comparison. And
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Speaker 1: I'm going to be talking about that kind of comparison
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Speaker 1: a lot more over the next five days. But upwards
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Speaker 1: comparison is where you put yourself down because you're comparing
7:20
Speaker 1: yourself to people that you deem to be quite unquite
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Speaker 1: better than you, hotter than you, more successful than you,
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Speaker 1: luckier than you, more privileged than you, all the different
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Speaker 1: more that you can think of. That's upwards comparison. That
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Speaker 1: doesn't feel good because you're saying they're better than me.
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Speaker 1: I'm not good enough, they're better than me. If you
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Speaker 1: do downwards comparison, that's you saying, well, at least I'm
7:42
Speaker 1: not XYZ, at least I'm not this person. At least
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Speaker 1: I'm not that person at least, which we it feels
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Speaker 1: good in the moment, because you think, oh, yeah, true, God,
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Speaker 1: I'm not that bad, I'm not that unattractive, I'm not
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Speaker 1: that unsuccessful, and I'm not that much of a failure.
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Speaker 1: But what that then brings up is complacency. You think,
8:01
Speaker 1: I just need to find comparisons that put other people
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Speaker 1: down so I can feel some level of satisfaction in
8:09
Speaker 1: my life. None of downward comparison. Firstly, we don't really
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Speaker 1: know what's going on in other people's lives. I don't
8:15
Speaker 1: think it's helpful to compare yourself to other people. Secondly,
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Speaker 1: it creates a sense of complacency because it forces you
8:21
Speaker 1: to kind of or it doesn't force you, but it
8:22
Speaker 1: puts you in a state where you're just looking at well,
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Speaker 1: at least I'm not this, so now I can relax.
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Speaker 1: So there's no you're not being proactive. You're not actually
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Speaker 1: doing anything to make yourself feel better about your current situation.
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Speaker 1: And then you have this false sense of reality when
8:39
Speaker 1: you do downward comparison, because everything kind of you look
8:42
Speaker 1: at things more from like a reactive lens instead of proactive,
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Speaker 1: happier lens. Okay, so when you do that kind of
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Speaker 1: comparison upwards or downwards, you ultimately end up isolating yourself
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Speaker 1: instead of thinking, you know, everyone is where they're at,
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Speaker 1: wherever they're at, I can learn from people. It's fine
9:00
Speaker 1: to do downward comparison in the sense of like, wow,
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Speaker 1: seeing how that outcome happened for that person has really
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Speaker 1: taught me this about how I could approach things differently.
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Speaker 1: So it's not so much I'm better than this person
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Speaker 1: because of this. You could be like, I can learn
9:12
Speaker 1: lessons from what that person went through. I can you
9:16
Speaker 1: know X, y Z. But the more you notice yourself
9:20
Speaker 1: lean into these kinds of comparisons, for good or for bad,
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Speaker 1: you are going to isolate yourself and you're going to
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Speaker 1: feel less connected. And the less connected we feel with
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Speaker 1: other people, the less connected we feel with ourselves and
9:29
Speaker 1: with our mental health and with our levels of happiness. Okay,
9:34
Speaker 1: since now true self worth the next point, True self
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Speaker 1: worth can not be taken away. Okay. If you can
9:46
Speaker 1: build value within your character, within yourself and your actions,
9:52
Speaker 1: that can't be taken away. So I often talk about,
9:55
Speaker 1: you know, when it comes to self love, when it
9:57
Speaker 1: comes to self respect, when it comes to achieving things
10:00
Speaker 1: in your life that make you feel good about who
10:01
Speaker 1: you are, As a person, you want to aim for
10:04
Speaker 1: things that cannot be taken away. Okay, It's not something
10:08
Speaker 1: that you can buy, borrow, or steal. It's something that
10:11
Speaker 1: you have earned. And self worth, your relationship with yourself
10:14
Speaker 1: is something that you earn through doing the psychological exercises,
10:20
Speaker 1: through treating yourself better, through starting to speak to yourself better,
10:25
Speaker 1: different habits, different behaviors, and then your relationship starts to
10:28
Speaker 1: change and you earned that. It's not something that one
10:31
Speaker 1: comment can dissolve because you've earned it. It can't be
10:33
Speaker 1: taken away. Someone can't take away something that you've earned. Okay.
10:37
Speaker 1: So for me, when I talk about how can I
10:41
Speaker 1: start to feel better about myself, I look at my
10:43
Speaker 1: day to day structure and I think, what is it
10:45
Speaker 1: right now that I'm doing where I feel like I'm
10:48
Speaker 1: earning something. So for example, when I was studying, it
10:52
Speaker 1: felt really good because I'm like, this can never be
10:55
Speaker 1: taken away. Once I get this qualification, whether I use
10:58
Speaker 1: it or not, it can never be taken away earned that, Like,
11:00
Speaker 1: that's something that I can say I did that. You know,
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Speaker 1: if you ran a marathon, So I'm talking about external
11:05
Speaker 1: things as an example, but if you did all these things.
11:08
Speaker 1: It feels good because you're like, this can never be
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Speaker 1: taken away from me. So then look at it from
11:12
Speaker 1: like a self love perspective. How can I do things
11:15
Speaker 1: where I feel like I've earned something that can never
11:18
Speaker 1: be stripped away from me? Is it in how I
11:21
Speaker 1: treat myself in the mornings, my morning routine, The ten
11:24
Speaker 1: minutes I get where I wake up before the rest
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Speaker 1: of the household alone just with myself. That's earned. No
11:31
Speaker 1: one can take that shit away from me. And the
11:33
Speaker 1: more you can implement earned things that you do for
11:36
Speaker 1: yourself throughout the day, I can guarantee you, the better
11:39
Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself is going to be. It's just
11:40
Speaker 1: going to get better and better and better and better.
11:43
Speaker 1: You'll be thriving. The next point that I want to
11:45
Speaker 1: touch on is that your brain can be rewired. Okay,
11:51
Speaker 1: I don't want you to fall into this habit of
11:53
Speaker 1: being like you know, oh, it's like epigenetics. I've just
11:56
Speaker 1: inherited this mindset from my parents or from you know whoever.
12:00
Speaker 1: In my family, everyone is kind of like this. My
12:03
Speaker 1: whole friendship group is like this. If I started talking
12:05
Speaker 1: positively about myself, everyone would think this way. Everyone, we
12:08
Speaker 1: get ourselves stuck, and we then will look at biases confirmations, left,
12:13
Speaker 1: right and center to prove wide is that we shouldn't
12:16
Speaker 1: change or we can't change, or why it's going to be
12:17
Speaker 1: so difficult for us to change. Change is inevitable. Things
12:21
Speaker 1: are going to change in your life constantly, so you
12:23
Speaker 1: might as well roll with it and contribute to those changes.
12:26
Speaker 1: You might as well be in control of those changes.
12:29
Speaker 1: So I want you to look at your brain as
12:31
Speaker 1: something that's constantly being wired and rewired and wide and rewired.
12:34
Speaker 1: A lot of the time it's not in our control
12:37
Speaker 1: or we don't realize it's happening, and it's unintentional rewiring.
12:41
Speaker 1: So neuroplasticity can happen for the good or for the bad.
12:43
Speaker 1: But then there's self directed neuroplasticity, and that is where
12:47
Speaker 1: you are directing change, where you are rewriting these thoughts,
12:50
Speaker 1: where you are looking at what's borrowed negative self talk
12:54
Speaker 1: or what are habits that aren't really working for me?
12:56
Speaker 1: Or what's something that I can earn to start making
12:58
Speaker 1: myself feel better about about me my relationship with me. Okay,
13:03
Speaker 1: that will start to rewire your brain. It doesn't matter
13:06
Speaker 1: who you were born to, it doesn't matter who you
13:08
Speaker 1: hang out with. As long as you start to become
13:09
Speaker 1: aware of what these triggers are, things will begin to
13:13
Speaker 1: change for you. What used to be subconscious becomes conscious.
13:16
Speaker 1: What used to be the norm becomes something that piques
13:19
Speaker 1: your attention, being like, wait a minute, that's actually not normal.
13:22
Speaker 1: That is actually not fucking normal. I don't have need
13:24
Speaker 1: to behave like this. I don't need to talk to
13:25
Speaker 1: myself in that way. I don't need to do this shit. Okay.
13:28
Speaker 1: And then lastly, and this is one of my favorite
13:31
Speaker 1: things that I love to do, is to draw a
13:34
Speaker 1: line in the sand. I love line in the sand.
13:37
Speaker 1: Moments in my life. There's big lines in the sand,
13:39
Speaker 1: like when I moved countries, when I had a child,
13:42
Speaker 1: when I got a divorce. Like there's massive lines in
13:45
Speaker 1: the sand in your life where you're like, wow, my
13:47
Speaker 1: life changed from that moment. But you can also do
13:50
Speaker 1: smaller lines in the sand that are really significant to you.
13:53
Speaker 1: So when you want to start this self love journey,
13:55
Speaker 1: whenever you're ready, ideally it's now, because why not. I
13:59
Speaker 1: want you to draw a line in the sand, and
14:01
Speaker 1: I want you to say to yourself. Everything that's happened
14:04
Speaker 1: before now is before this line, and everything that's going
14:08
Speaker 1: to happen after will be after this line. This is
14:10
Speaker 1: the line in the sand, and that it's a no
14:13
Speaker 1: judgment zone. It's just the new version of me that's
14:16
Speaker 1: going to emerge. You almost want to be appreciative of
14:19
Speaker 1: the old version of you, because if you then start saying,
14:22
Speaker 1: oh the fu fucking idiot, fucking idiot, old me who
14:24
Speaker 1: used to fucking say this shit, and now I've got
14:26
Speaker 1: to undo it and fucking fuck you, now you've made
14:29
Speaker 1: my life more difficult, then fuck the line in the sand,
14:32
Speaker 1: because that's not gonna work. You want to look at
14:34
Speaker 1: it as thank you for everything that I've learned, thank
14:36
Speaker 1: you for all these lessons, thank you for putting up
14:37
Speaker 1: with all the bullshit that I put you through. It's
14:41
Speaker 1: over now, we are changing it. This is a line
14:43
Speaker 1: in the sand, and from today, I'm never going to
14:47
Speaker 1: allow myself to just spiral or get away with talking
14:52
Speaker 1: horribly to myself. There'll be moments where I slip up
14:55
Speaker 1: and I talk like shit to myself. There'll be moments
14:56
Speaker 1: where I have a really bad day and I don't
14:58
Speaker 1: want to get out and I don't feel like I
15:01
Speaker 1: look good unless someone tells me I look good. And
15:03
Speaker 1: that's fine because you're on that journey. But that won't
15:06
Speaker 1: go unchecked when it happens next time, I'm going to
15:09
Speaker 1: be like, I'm aware of this. I'm aware this is happening,
15:12
Speaker 1: and this is just reminiscent of my old self and
15:15
Speaker 1: I'm learning a different way. Okay, So over the next
15:18
Speaker 1: few days we're going to go into exact tips and
15:21
Speaker 1: tricks and tools that you can start implementing into your day.
15:24
Speaker 1: But for today, the main thing that I want you
15:27
Speaker 1: to remember is that agreeing with people who put you
15:32
Speaker 1: down all the time is abandoning yourself. We don't need
15:34
Speaker 1: to abandon ourselves in order to fit in. Okay, So
15:38
Speaker 1: next time you're talking to someone and they say something,
15:42
Speaker 1: it's so simple to just be like, that's really interesting
15:45
Speaker 1: instead of agreeing with them. That's one of the first
15:47
Speaker 1: things you can do for yourself love. Start standing up
15:49
Speaker 1: for yourself. Start you know, listening to what you care
15:54
Speaker 1: about and what you want to say, and then your
15:55
Speaker 1: self respect is going to go up. Remember that confidence
16:00
Speaker 1: is not about being loud, it's about liking who you are.
16:03
Speaker 1: It's about feeling comfortable within yourself. So that can only
16:07
Speaker 1: occur when you start saying it's okay for me to
16:10
Speaker 1: do this without seeking external approval, It's okay for me
16:12
Speaker 1: to wear this outfit without sending it to all my
16:15
Speaker 1: friends and for them to say that it's okay. The
16:17
Speaker 1: more little, tiny things that you can do without seeking
16:20
Speaker 1: external approval, the easy it's going to be to do
16:23
Speaker 1: the bigger things. Okay. So, for example, this is such
16:25
Speaker 1: a minor thing, such a minor thing, but I am
16:29
Speaker 1: not telling anyone the names of my children. And it's
16:33
Speaker 1: because I love the names that I've selected, and I
16:37
Speaker 1: love them so much that I don't want anyone's energy,
16:41
Speaker 1: bad juju bullshit to interfere with what I choose to
16:45
Speaker 1: call my children. And I'm like, I know many people
16:48
Speaker 1: aren't gonna you know, everyone's got their own opinions. You know,
16:51
Speaker 1: everyone's gonna have whatever they think about the names, But like,
16:55
Speaker 1: talk about it behind my back like a normal person.
16:57
Speaker 1: If I say a name to your face before all
17:00
Speaker 1: the kids are born, then people are gonna be like, oh,
17:02
Speaker 1: I don't know about that name. Oh are you serious? Really?
17:04
Speaker 1: Do you actually like that name? Versus when I've just
17:06
Speaker 1: been like, here's the fucking name. Can't after they're born
17:09
Speaker 1: and they don't have to listen to your shit, because
17:11
Speaker 1: you're going to feel less comfortable dragging the name through
17:15
Speaker 1: the dirt when this person already exists. So that's just
17:17
Speaker 1: a small example of what you could be doing for
17:20
Speaker 1: yourself as well. Okay, stop seeking a proof of for
17:23
Speaker 1: every single decision if you're happy with it, if you
17:25
Speaker 1: don't actually need advice on how to get you know,
17:28
Speaker 1: like sometimes you actually need advice from an expert or
17:30
Speaker 1: from memento. If you don't need those things, if it's
17:33
Speaker 1: outfit related, if it's all these things, just do it.
17:36
Speaker 1: You're going to start to increase your confidence. And then
17:38
Speaker 1: when you have confidence for the little things, you're gonna
17:40
Speaker 1: be able to get confidence for the much bigger things
17:42
Speaker 1: in your life. Okay, most of the stuff that you
17:44
Speaker 1: say to yourself, most of the crap that you say
17:46
Speaker 1: to yourself, you've heard it before from someone else. Okay,
17:49
Speaker 1: it's not original, and you can say that to just
17:52
Speaker 1: remind yourself this is not original. This is a regurgitation.
17:55
Speaker 1: I don't need this anymore. Okay, thank you very much.
17:57
Speaker 1: You've come with me. This far, we say goodbye now. Guys,
18:01
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to today's first episode
18:04
Speaker 1: of the Self Love Series. Tune in Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
18:07
Speaker 1: Friday for the rest and write down the things that
18:10
Speaker 1: really kind of resonated with you loving us so much
18:13
Speaker 1: as always remembered. Be kind to yourself, becind to your brain.
18:15
Speaker 1: Don't text it from anyone, especially, don't text it from yourself.
18:18
Speaker 1: Doug