Latest / The Living Freed Podcast / When God Speaks: California Testimony

Transcript

When God Speaks: California Testimony · The Living Freed Podcast

0:19
Hey y 'all, I just want to say thank you so much
0:23
for tuning in on this lovely Thursday to listen
0:27
to me talk. on the Living Freed podcast. What
0:32
an honor that you've taken your time out to hang
0:35
out with me. I have so much to catch y 'all up
0:39
on, like unbelievably so much, but the truth
0:43
is, is I can't dive too much into it just yet
0:47
because one, I need Caitlin, my little roommate
0:51
here to talk with me. Two, it does play into
0:55
some more things coming in the future. Um, but
0:59
just a little sneak preview is the church I've
1:03
been going to since Mother's Day of last year
1:06
is definitely a cult masquerading as a church.
1:11
So not today and not next week, but the following
1:16
week should be the episode that we talk about
1:19
it. So tune in if you want to hear the dirty
1:23
deets. And if you want to hear what to look for
1:27
if your church is a cult. And to hear what to
1:31
possibly look for in a church. Because I have
1:34
pretty strict standards for my church, I would
1:37
say. But clearly, I still missed something. So,
1:43
yeah. Tune in and listen to the tea. Okay. Also,
1:48
what I've been up to is every month of March.
1:51
Every month of March. Every March of the... How?
1:57
I don't know why I can't talk all of a sudden.
2:00
So, the month of March of every year, I try to
2:07
not wear makeup. Which is a thing for me because,
2:12
as y 'all know, I'm a hairstylist. I'm in the
2:14
beauty industry. So makeup is a big deal. Being
2:18
presentable is a big deal. But as the year goes
2:21
on, my insecurity in my own skin and how I look
2:25
without the enhanced features gets to me. So
2:28
I try to go all of March without wearing makeup
2:31
and really focusing on naturally enhancing those
2:34
features, whether that's growing my eyelashes
2:36
out with lash serums or drinking extra water
2:41
with extra collagen or face mask, whatever. Whatever
2:47
you have, I do it basically for the month of
2:49
March. No makeup. I do curl my hair because,
2:53
again, I work in a hair salon. Like, I need,
2:54
or I'll blow it out. Like, my hair needs to at
2:56
least be presentable for my face, in my opinion,
2:59
isn't presentable. And I have, like, these freckles
3:01
that I just do not love. A lot of people have
3:05
been commenting on it and telling me that they
3:06
love them and that's so nice of them. My freckles
3:09
are big and secure because insecurity of mine
3:11
because I feel like they've been created from
3:13
the sun growing up and being in the sun all day
3:15
as a kid and one half of my face has way more
3:18
of these freckles than the other half and makeup
3:20
typically hides that for me. So wish me luck
3:25
as we are at the beginning of the week. I also
3:28
try to do like some journaling prompts to set
3:31
in some confidence with it and I will say over
3:34
the years I've gotten more confident without
3:35
my makeup in March and I call it no makeup March
3:39
by the way. yeah so anyways there's part of that
3:41
and honestly yeah it saves me time in the morning
3:44
getting ready it takes off like a whole 15 minutes
3:47
because that's how long it takes me to put on
3:49
makeup is 15 minutes in the morning i refuse
3:51
to spend any more time than that unless it's
3:55
a big event like a wedding or we're going out
3:58
to the bars because that's just not worth it
4:00
to me it's really not who am i trying to impress
4:03
my six -year -old clients who honestly are too
4:07
nice to me and think i'm pretty anyways so because
4:10
they're all blind when you get that old you start
4:13
to lose your sight um yeah I don't know why I'm
4:16
rambling like this so sorry okay so that's what
4:19
I've been up to I had two bridal showers this
4:21
weekend one for my sweet friend Rachel love her
4:24
known her forever and my friend Hannah who lives
4:27
here in Wilmington with me um I know all the
4:31
Hannah's I feel like in all of North Carolina
4:33
at this point there was I think three or four
4:35
of us total at the second bridal shower possibly
4:39
um yeah there's a lot of Hannah's in the south
4:42
so yes anything else I have to up to date y 'all
4:47
um nope that's all I got for you is what's going
4:50
on so what is in is embracing natural beauty
4:54
for me this week loving it focusing on my skin
4:58
and taking care of it and let me say I guess
5:00
my skincare products when I do put makeup on
5:03
are really good because I never have acne And
5:06
now all of a sudden, these little acne spots
5:08
are popping up. And I'm assuming it's because
5:10
I'm not wearing the foundation I usually use
5:14
or anything else like that. Okay, and what is
5:17
out is makeup. Makeup is out for the month of
5:19
March. Unless I have a big event to go to. That's
5:22
the only time I put it on. So, what is in? Also,
5:25
saving time in the morning. What is out? I don't
5:30
have anything for the other one. Right? No. What
5:35
is out? Cult churches. That's what's out for
5:38
the month of March. No more cult churches. I
5:41
cannot wait to update y 'all on that and the
5:44
things that it leads to. But anyways, this episode
5:47
we are going to talk about my journey on moving
5:52
to California and kind of went into that and
5:55
how to listen to God's voice and how to figure
5:57
out if something is from God or of your own desire.
6:00
So let's dive into this week's episode. So this
6:09
episode is going to be a little bit of like a
6:13
snippet of my testimony, a small, small snippet
6:17
of my testimony of just what God has done in
6:21
my life and how he continues to move in my life.
6:24
So let's get into it. Where to start? That's
6:28
a great question. I have no idea. Let's, I guess,
6:30
the beginning. So on April 1st of 1997, I'm just
6:37
kidding. We are not going to go that far back.
6:41
But I will say, let me start with where this
6:46
thought process is starting and we'll get into
6:49
where it's going. So when I was 17 years old,
6:55
I went to a... conference in the South called
6:59
Passion. And it was amazing. And there was a
7:02
ton of speakers that came that I really admired
7:06
and looked up to and were super intelligent people,
7:11
super respectful speakers that are evangelists
7:19
or apologists or theologians. They just, they
7:24
knew their stuff. And a speaker came on that
7:28
I've never heard of before. And her name is Christine
7:32
Kane. Miss Chris, or Christine Kane, she talked
7:36
about A21, which is, for those who don't know,
7:41
an anti -human trafficking nonprofit that's global.
7:45
And when she talked about it, I remember sitting
7:48
there and thinking, that is the most amazing
7:50
thing. I didn't even know that slavery was still
7:53
a thing in this world. that it's happening in
7:56
the United States. What an amazing thing to do,
8:00
you know, for God on mission for God in this
8:03
way. And how cool would it be to do that and
8:06
be a part of that? And then I thought to myself,
8:09
well, you will never get a chance to do that
8:12
or be a part of that. So dream about it and move
8:16
on. And that's just what I did. I dreamt about
8:19
it, forgot about it, moved on. And when I was
8:25
maybe it was that same year. It might've been
8:28
later that year or like, yeah. Cause like they
8:30
do it in the new year. I think it might've been
8:32
later that year. I'm not sure. Um, definitely
8:36
17 or 18. I had, we had Some young men, if you
8:41
listened to my very first episode, the intro,
8:43
you know, or the pilot, you know that my parents
8:46
would take in a lot of people growing up. And
8:48
one of the guys that they've taken in, I fully
8:50
claim was a brother. He is MIA in my life at
8:54
the moment. His desire is to be homeless. And
8:57
I think that might be what he's doing. I'm not
8:59
sure. Haven't talked to him in about five years
9:02
because he wanted to move to California with
9:04
me to be homeless. And I said, that's not an
9:06
option. I will be worried about you on the street.
9:09
Anyways. So he had been missing for months. Let
9:16
me just say we hadn't heard from him for months.
9:18
And this was not abnormal. He would get addicted
9:22
to drugs and disappear and then be ready to get
9:25
clean and would come back. And that was just
9:27
the pattern that we had. And it had been a long
9:30
time since we'd heard from him. And I remember
9:32
I went to my mom and I said, I really miss him.
9:35
I think we're going to hear from him soon. I
9:37
really miss him. I can't get him out of my head.
9:40
And I'm worried about him. And my mom said like
9:43
she understood she was worried about him too.
9:45
He had been living with us off and on since he
9:48
was 16 years old, I believe. And I was like 12.
9:54
So yeah, anyways. So later that night at 2 or
9:59
3 in the morning, my mom came and got me out
10:01
of my room and she said, he's here. He showed
10:03
up. And he had a story to tell. He had gotten
10:06
addicted to meth. And was being used, he's a
10:09
very good looking kid. And was being used to
10:12
lure girls with drugs. And basically got involved
10:20
with a form of human trafficking himself. And
10:23
my parents at that point, from my understanding.
10:27
got the police involved, yada, yada, yada. My
10:29
parents really tried to shield us from the graphics
10:31
and the horrificness of it all. And I appreciate
10:34
that at the time. But I remember hearing this
10:37
and going, wow, like someone I know was involved
10:41
in this. And this is quite literally happening
10:44
in my backyard. How can I go through life ignoring
10:47
it, pretending like it's not happening, pretending
10:49
like I'm not aware, going back to my safe little
10:53
bubble. But alas, I had to. I was just a teen.
10:58
What was I going to do? So fast forward a couple
11:02
years, I, you know, still know him, still love
11:05
him, still my brother. And I am dating somebody,
11:10
me and that person get engaged, we break up.
11:12
And I was driving by a seminary school one day,
11:16
and I really felt like God said, walk in there
11:18
and get a tour. I said, that's crazy. I am not
11:22
walking into that school to get a tour. And he
11:25
got said to me, walk in and get a tour. I pulled
11:28
in, parked, got out of my car, walked in, found
11:32
somebody and said, hi, I am interested in possibly
11:35
going here, I guess. Can I get some information?
11:38
The lady popped right up. Her husband was the
11:40
dean of the school. He gave me a bunch of pamphlets,
11:44
asked me what I thought I'd be interested in
11:45
studying and getting a degree in. And quickly,
11:48
gave me a tour. And I remember asking her like,
11:51
okay, so do other girls go to this school? I'm
11:55
fearful. I don't see any girls. Because when
11:57
I was touring, I didn't see any girls. She said,
11:58
yeah, we have one female professor. There's a
12:01
couple girls around. You definitely won't be
12:02
the only one in your class. And I decided to
12:05
get a degree in biblical counseling. Um, this
12:09
was in 2018. That's crazy. That was almost 10
12:13
years ago. Anyways, um, okay. So I was working
12:18
on getting a degree in biblical counseling. And
12:21
I was the only girl in my class, most of my classes.
12:26
Eventually, one other girl transferred and came
12:30
to our very small seminary school. And she, I
12:32
clung to her. We were nothing alike. We were
12:35
opposite in every possible way. But I clung to
12:38
that girl. And y 'all, the men in this school
12:42
were so sure. I wanted them. Like, they were
12:47
so sure I was there to get a husband, and none
12:49
of them knew my story. None of them knew that
12:51
I was avoiding men like the plague at the time,
12:53
and I was just looking for friends, and some
12:56
of them were engaged, and when I would find out
12:57
they were engaged, I would, like, not approach
12:59
them as a friend because it was just a weird
13:02
space to be in with them at that time. Some of
13:04
them were single, and I thought, we can definitely
13:06
be friends, and some of them were married, and
13:08
out of, like, and I didn't need to pursue really,
13:11
like, a friendship with them either. It actually
13:13
got to the point with some of these guys. One
13:15
guy would like wrote me a love letter and handed
13:19
it to me in the library. And I think I'd only
13:21
talked to him like three or four times. And the
13:23
love letter was basically like him confessing
13:25
his feelings to me. But then also telling me
13:28
that we couldn't be together yet because he had
13:30
to finish seminary school before we could be
13:33
together. And I remember thinking, I don't even
13:36
know your last name. I've met you like three
13:38
or four times. We've studied in the library.
13:40
I think we have one class together. I'm not even
13:43
sure if we had a class together. And we never
13:46
spoke at any of the conferences. And it took
13:49
a lot. I had to work so hard to get any of those
13:52
men to be my friend, like any of them. So yeah,
13:54
when that one girl showed up, best believe I
13:56
was a stage five clinger to her. That was a crazy
14:00
time that I think I've honestly blocked out.
14:02
My professors were nice. I think that they thought
14:04
I was just like a ditzy girl. They also made
14:07
me like say sign something or consider signing
14:09
something saying I wouldn't be a preacher. But
14:11
I told them like, I never want to be a preacher.
14:13
I'm not here to be a female pastor. So like,
14:14
don't worry about it, bro. And the one female
14:16
professor, I clung to her as well. Like that
14:19
woman was many, many, many years my senior, but
14:22
she was my homie at the time. I was eating lunch
14:26
with her every time I got a chance until the
14:28
guys finally realized I was not looking for a
14:30
husband and they offered me friendship. And I
14:33
was very thankful for the time that I had with
14:35
that. Anyways, so after, well, while I was in
14:38
school, COVID happened. So now we're going into
14:41
2020. And we go to online classes. And I am not
14:49
a study at home girl. I'm not. If I need to get
14:52
studying done, I needed to be in the library
14:54
at the school. I was not watching my online.
14:59
professors, seminars, nothing. And me and my
15:02
roommates decided to go down to Savannah to visit
15:07
one of them. Y 'all have met Caitlin. Caitlin
15:09
Phillips. She's been on the podcast to go see
15:12
her family, but we wanted to rent an Airbnb in
15:14
the city to not, to make sure we didn't like
15:16
bring anything to her grandma and grandpa because
15:18
they're old. And before that trip, both Caitlin's,
15:23
because I lived with two Caitlin's at the time,
15:25
came up and told me that they were moving to
15:27
California. and that I should move with them.
15:29
And let me tell you, I laughed. I am southern
15:33
to the bone. I am also Sicilian, and we, my family
15:39
is like its own little cult. Like, we do not
15:41
leave the family. You do not separate from the
15:43
family. You just do, you might leave for like
15:46
a month or two to do like a study abroad, but
15:48
you do not leave the family. That's a crazy thing
15:50
to do. No one does that. We function as one.
15:52
We do things as one. We did not have the best
15:55
family boundaries at all. So I laughed in their
16:01
face. I said, I will not be moving to California
16:04
with you. I have no desire to live in California.
16:06
I don't even want to visit California for vacation.
16:09
But y 'all have the best time and I might consider
16:12
visiting you. We moved on and when we went down
16:15
to Savannah, I had been praying to God a lot.
16:18
I said, God, You know, I'm in seminary school.
16:21
I don't really know what I'm doing. Like, I've
16:23
been doing hair for a few years. I called off
16:27
this engagement. There's so much going on. I
16:30
had been back and forth with my ex a couple times
16:32
since then. And I just needed clarity. So I asked
16:35
God, I said, please tell me what you want me
16:37
to do. If you want me to go dig wells in Africa,
16:39
I will go dig wells in Africa. If you want me
16:42
to, like, whatever. Whatever it is. And God said,
16:46
well. What if I want you to move to California?
16:49
And I said, okay, anything but that. Anything
16:51
but that. And so I spent the day, the better
16:55
part of the day, really struggling with that
16:57
thought of why did, why did I have that thought,
16:59
you know? And you, sometimes when you, when God
17:02
speaks to me, because he has spoken to me on
17:04
a few rare occasions, sometimes I hear him plain
17:07
as day and I go, that's crazy because that was
17:09
not my voice. And then I think, but what if it
17:11
was my voice? What if it was? And then I have
17:14
to remind myself, no, that definitely was not.
17:16
That, Night, we go to bed. It's all I can think
17:19
about. I'm trying to release it, let go of it,
17:21
move on. And the next morning, I'm still having
17:25
the same conversation with God. Like, whatever
17:27
you want me to do, just show me what my next
17:29
step is. Whatever you want me to do, I'll do
17:30
it. Again, God, if you want me to dig wells in
17:32
Africa, I will dig wells in Africa. I don't know
17:35
why that's the one thing that was on my brain
17:37
at the time, but it was the only thing on my
17:38
brain at that time. I don't know if I listened
17:40
to a pastor talk about it or another podcast
17:42
or watched a YouTube video or saw a commercial.
17:46
No idea, y 'all. Not a clue. But that was the
17:48
thing that my brain was hooked on. I said, but
17:50
please do not ask me to move to California. And
17:54
I felt this physical wrestling. Like if I could
17:57
physically be wrestling with a sibling, that's
18:00
what it felt like. But spiritually. And the only
18:02
way I can describe it is when Jacob was wrestling
18:05
with God and the Bible. I mean. I really felt
18:09
like hands -on physical, spiritual wrestling
18:12
was happening inside me. And I heard God say,
18:15
just say out loud. You don't have to mean it,
18:17
but just say out loud that you'll move to California.
18:20
I said, what? And he repeated it. And so I said,
18:24
you know what? What is the worst that can happen
18:27
if I just say out loud that I will move to California?
18:31
So I said it. I said, okay, Jesus, you want me
18:35
to move to California? I will move to California
18:38
and as soon as those words left my lips y 'all
18:42
I mean that instant the wrestling in my spirit
18:45
stopped and I was filled with so much peace head
18:49
to toe and I walked out of the bedroom in the
18:52
Airbnb to the Caitlyn's and I looked at them
18:55
I said I will move to California with you and
18:59
their jaws I swear hit the ground and they jumped
19:02
up and down and squealed and I thought what have
19:05
I just committed to? Like truly. So then it came
19:11
the hard part. I had to tell my parents. So I
19:15
met with my sister first and I told her, this
19:18
is what I'm thinking. And she said, okay. And
19:21
I said, will you come visit me? And she said,
19:22
probably never. And then I sat down my parents
19:27
and I told them that I was moving to California.
19:31
And I don't remember them taking it well. That's
19:35
all I'm going to say. They were very resistant
19:38
to the idea of me moving to California. They
19:40
were not taking it well, but they were being
19:42
as supportive as they could for something that
19:45
they did not want me to do at all. And I couldn't
19:49
really explain to them the thought process behind
19:52
it or the desire behind it or the push behind
19:54
it. And that was hard because the thing is, is
19:57
when something is from God, it's not going to
19:59
make sense to everybody else. If God is telling
20:02
you to do something, it is not always going to
20:05
make sense to the people closest to you who know
20:08
you best, who know your heart best. Because best
20:10
believe never once did I bring up California
20:12
to my parents beforehand. I never said I would
20:14
really like to go to LA or visit Disneyland in
20:17
Orange County. I never said, well, my biggest
20:20
dream is to see the West Coast because it never
20:23
was. It never crossed my mind once. My childhood
20:26
best friend Serena, who y 'all have heard on
20:28
the podcast, is from California. And I never
20:30
said to her, geez, I would really love to visit
20:34
California with you because it just never crossed
20:37
my mind. So sometimes when God tells you to do
20:40
something, it's not going to make sense to everybody
20:44
else and not everybody's going to be okay with
20:47
it. And it's scary and it's hard, but it's okay.
20:51
But the cool thing about my parents is they supported
20:55
to the best of their ability and that support
20:58
was... Um, my dad helping me pack up a box truck
21:03
and hooking my car to the back of it and him
21:05
driving me across the country at the time. So
21:09
that's what I did. I drove across the country.
21:13
Now, I want to back up. It's not that I was filled
21:17
with peace the whole entire time and I wasn't
21:19
scared or I didn't lose faith or have fear set
21:23
in. I had all of those things set in. The day
21:27
before I left, I met with, at the time, my best
21:29
friend Josh and he looked at me and he said,
21:31
you are terrified to move. And I looked at him
21:34
and I said, you're the first person to notice
21:36
that or say that to me. And yes, I am terrified
21:39
to move. The day I left my mom, I sobbed like
21:45
a baby in the car. I mean, my poor best friend
21:47
Serena was in the car with me driving back from
21:49
Wilmington to Raleigh and I could not stop crying.
21:53
And I will say that God showed up in little ways
21:56
from day one literally the day I was leaving
21:59
the night before I said to God I would love to
22:03
have one last snow day because it does not snow
22:06
in Orange County California I would love to have
22:09
one last snow day and snow was not on the radar
22:12
but when I woke up there was snow falling from
22:16
the sky and sticking to the ground and I just
22:19
looked out and I said you are so cool God is
22:23
so cool. And what a blessing that he just confirmed
22:26
that he saw me and that he was with me. In my
22:29
mind, that's how I saw it. Like a God wink of
22:31
I'm still with you. So I did the cross country
22:34
trip with my dad. Caitlin Phillips had decided
22:38
not to move to California. The other Caitlin
22:41
had decided to move to California. And so she
22:44
went with one of our other friends. And that's
22:46
a whole other story. That was a struggle in itself.
22:49
Basically, our friend was dying or we thought
22:51
she was dying. She'd been in the hospital. Her
22:53
parents had flown over to check on her because
22:55
we really weren't sure what was going on, if
22:57
she was going to make it. The hospital said they
23:00
didn't want to risk flying her back to California.
23:02
So we had to turn what was planned to be a seven
23:06
-day trip into a three -day trip, which was crazy
23:10
at the time. and tried to get her home as fast
23:13
as possible, as easily as possible, as safe as
23:17
possible. So it was a scary time at the same
23:20
time. So there's a lot of mixed emotions going
23:22
on. But again, Jesus was with us in it and gave
23:25
us a lot of peace. So I get to California and
23:30
we start the hunt of finding a church. We worked
23:33
so hard. And the cool thing is my dad's childhood
23:36
best friend at the time was living in California.
23:38
My dad had not seen this man, y 'all, since he
23:41
was a child, since middle school. And my dad
23:43
found him somehow because the man did not have
23:47
Facebook. And Mr. Paul met with my dad that day
23:50
before I dropped him off at LAX because my dad
23:53
was there for less than 24 hours, hung out with
23:55
him, got my number, gave it to his wife. And
23:58
Miss Sheila was my bonus mom and took me in immediately.
24:02
Like had us over for dinner, I think the next
24:04
week and just made us feel so loved and welcomed.
24:07
It was the biggest blessing. And that was another
24:08
way that God showed up is he knew I was going
24:10
to need someone like that with the warm, welcoming
24:14
culture that my mom brings into the world. And
24:16
he gave me Miss Sheila while I was in California.
24:19
And I mean, my, I, we'd been there for like two
24:21
months and my birthday was coming up and that
24:24
woman had. dinner made for me and a cake for
24:27
surprise and a gift too. And she spent my next
24:29
birthday with me as well. Yeah. So anyways, so
24:31
this is where it starts is I start my research
24:35
for nonprofits in the area. I really want to
24:37
work with a nonprofit specifically doing anti
24:40
-human trafficking. And there's a couple in California
24:42
and the one that was hiring in my neighborhood
24:45
at the time, like actually say my address type
24:49
of neighborhood was 821. And so I applied. The
24:54
only reason I got the position that I got for
24:58
volunteering and working there was because I
25:01
had been a student in seminary school. So if
25:04
I hadn't been in that position that God had set
25:06
me up for two years prior. I probably never would
25:10
have gotten the job at age 21, which was crazy.
25:12
Just like how the domino effect said, I listened
25:15
when God said, go into that building and tour
25:18
to moving to California to huge jumps. And everyone
25:22
thought I was crazy. And I also thought I was
25:24
crazy because when I was in the seminary school,
25:27
my own family was like, what are you doing there?
25:29
Why are you going there? For what purpose? What
25:32
is the goal? And then same thing moving to California.
25:35
Why are you doing this? For what purpose? What
25:38
is the goal? Do you just need an adventure? Go
25:39
on a trip. Like you don't need to live there.
25:42
Because your girl had never stepped foot in California
25:45
in her life. Never. And again, never had the
25:47
desire to. So I interviewed with A21. Missed
25:51
a couple phone calls with them. Wasn't sure if
25:53
I was going to get the job. And finally at my
25:55
last interview, the woman interviewing me asked
25:59
like, if you don't get this job, what are you
26:01
going to do? And I said, honestly, I'll apply
26:03
again. She said, okay. And if you don't get it
26:06
the second time, I said, I give everything three
26:08
tries. If it's from God, it's going to happen
26:09
by the third time. And if it's not from God,
26:12
I'm going to move on with my life and I'll wait
26:15
till my lease is up and I'll pack up and I'll
26:16
move home. So she called me the next day. and
26:21
said I had the job so I showed up at 821 and
26:24
I met the most amazing girls and I remember sitting
26:28
there at our like day one of being brought onto
26:32
the team and thinking wow this is crazy like
26:36
five six years ago I was sitting at a conference
26:39
with Christine Kane thinking how cool would it
26:42
be to get a job to do that but it will never
26:45
be me and that is never going to happen but let
26:48
me think about it and then move on And here I
26:52
am sitting in this office owned by A21 with all
26:55
these amazing women around me and doing it. I'm
27:00
getting ready to do it. It was a small dream
27:03
that I never thought was ever going to come to
27:06
anything ever. And so I pushed it aside and didn't
27:09
give it a second thought. And yet here I am now.
27:11
While I was there, I was also managing a lash
27:15
studio and doing... grocery runs from one of
27:20
those online app things just to make money and
27:23
get by and it got and at this point Caitlin had
27:26
moved Caitlin had left she lasted about 60 days
27:30
and said this is not for me I've made a terrible
27:32
decision packed up and left so I was there a
27:36
little bit by myself and then um I met Krista
27:40
and Krista moved from Ohio to come be my roommate
27:45
And was such a big blessing at that time. I've
27:47
never felt so known or seen by another human
27:49
being in my life than when I had her in my life.
27:53
She was a huge blessing. And I was surviving.
27:59
I think I was 24 at the time. And I was surviving.
28:04
Barely. Trying. Doing my best too. It was hard.
28:07
It was expensive to live there. I was barely
28:10
making enough to get by. But I was still getting
28:13
by. I had the most amazing friends though. I
28:16
mean, God blessed me with an awesome church and
28:19
really amazing friends. And I couldn't imagine
28:22
leaving those people at all. That was hard. And
28:25
again, my age 21 friends were also the biggest
28:27
blessing in the world. And I remember I was super,
28:31
super broken. I had to choose at one point. I
28:34
thought, one, I'm not going to go home. I can't
28:36
go home and see my family for like a year at
28:39
this point because I'm so broke. And two, I need
28:43
to decide am I paying rent or I'm gonna eat food
28:46
and when I'm telling you like that's truly all
28:49
I had I said am I going to pay rent or am I going
28:53
to eat food because I can't afford to do both
28:57
and I didn't say anything to Krista or anybody
29:00
else that I was that broke and I was fighting
29:02
so hard to survive I remember it was like early
29:06
in the morning because I always woke up early
29:08
and went to the gym like I do now and I go and
29:10
read my bible at the kitchen table So I'm reading
29:12
my Bible and I tell God and with tears in my
29:17
eyes, I tell God, you brought me here. You brought
29:20
me here. I didn't want to be here. I had no desire
29:23
to move to California. I'm trying to be faithful
29:26
and I'm trying to be surrendered to you and your
29:29
will. And I need you to show up. I need you to
29:34
show up so desperately because I've got nothing
29:36
else I can physically give. I remember my mom
29:41
telling me at one point in my life, I looked
29:43
back, and I remember telling my mom I felt so
29:45
much like Jonah. I felt so much like Jonah, not
29:49
wanting to go to Nineveh. And I remember my mom
29:51
telling me, she was like, you're not Jonah, babe.
29:54
You're Abraham. Like, you are a sojourner. You
29:57
are following what God has told you to do, and
29:59
you're going to keep walking until he tells you
30:02
to stop walking. And I think... And that way
30:07
too, your thoughts are so powerful. You can see
30:09
yourself as being rebellious or you can see yourself
30:13
in the ways that you're honoring God. And at
30:16
the time I was telling myself I was a Jonah and
30:18
I was dishonoring God and I wasn't being faithful
30:21
and I was doing everything reluctantly, even
30:23
though truthfully, I was really trying to just
30:28
figure out what God wanted me to do. And if I'd
30:30
made a mistake or if I'd misheard him. Because
30:33
I really at the time thought if this was from
30:35
God, I would not be struggling as hard as I am
30:38
to live. So as I'm crying at my kitchen table
30:40
because Krista is still asleep in her room and
30:42
I had to go to work soon, my dad texted me out
30:46
of the blue. And my dad said, hey, hon, I just
30:50
had a feeling like I needed to give you money.
30:52
So I had mom put some money in your bank account.
30:56
And when I tell y 'all, he gave me three months
31:00
worth of rent plus more. He did. And I sobbed
31:05
even more at the table. I did. I cried so much
31:09
and I thought, God, you see me. You do see me.
31:12
And this is from you. And you just gave me confirmation
31:14
once again that I'm doing what you want me to
31:17
do. So I paid rent. I went grocery shopping and
31:21
finally ate something that wasn't. eating rice
31:24
and chicken broth, or honestly, I'd been drinking
31:26
tea for a couple days at that point, trying to
31:29
get through until I got to my next paycheck.
31:32
But I was like, God, you see me. And while I
31:35
was there, I got to experience so much of his
31:37
mercy and grace, which we'll do an episode on
31:40
mercy and grace. But I want to say mercy and
31:41
grace is not only for forgiveness, y 'all. It
31:44
is how he shows up for us. It is how he loves
31:46
us. Mercy and grace is not for when you make
31:49
a mistake and you sin or you're rebellious or
31:51
you don't follow what God's told you to do and
31:53
you're like, God, I repent, forgive me. Mercy
31:55
and grace is for him to show up and show you
31:57
who he is and the way that he can show you mercy
32:01
and spots in your life and the way he can show
32:03
you grace and how he shows up with his grace.
32:06
Anyways, so I was there for a while and... He
32:12
continued to just show up in little ways and
32:14
huge ways. And so I'm going to say huge ways
32:16
with the friends he's put in my life in little
32:20
ways and the winks, you know, just really there's
32:24
times I was sitting at the beach and I really
32:26
needed something to give me a spark of joy because
32:28
I was struggling with something else. And I would
32:31
see a dolphin swim by or a seal or whatever.
32:34
And I was so blessed with the friendships I had
32:36
there. And I was so blessed with Ms. Sheila and
32:40
my life who continued to show up for me as what
32:42
we call my bonus mom. And she just moved to Australia.
32:46
So love her, miss her. Would love to see her
32:48
again. Yeah, and my church. And I remember deciding
32:52
to stay there. I called my guy best friend Josh
32:55
again at the time and told him, I think I'm going
32:57
to stay for five more years. I don't know why,
32:58
but that number is placed on my heart. And then
33:01
my dad told me that he was having heart problems
33:03
and they thought he was going to die soon. And
33:05
at the time, I was really struggling with that.
33:08
So I remember meeting with Christine Kane one
33:11
day. She was in the office and I asked her, like,
33:12
how do you know? This has always sat with me
33:15
because it still sits with me today. I said,
33:16
how do you know if you need to stay somewhere
33:20
or move or like make a decision? And she said,
33:22
every decision I've made so far right now is
33:26
based off of this motto that I've come up with,
33:29
which is. be content, but never satisfied. And
33:33
that struck me. And I said, you know, I'm so
33:35
content in California. I'm so content. And honestly,
33:41
I think I'm satisfied. And at that time, that
33:45
wasn't good because I needed to be, I needed
33:46
to find my satisfaction in God. And I was finding
33:49
my satisfaction in the life I was living and
33:51
the adventures I was having. And so I leaned
33:56
in and I called my childhood best friend Serena
33:59
and I said I'm moving home my lease is going
34:01
to end Krista's moving as well into a different
34:04
apartment and got a different roommate we were
34:06
still best friends at this time and she said
34:09
I'll come do the road trip with you across the
34:10
country and so Serena came out to California
34:13
and spent like two months with me I was living
34:17
my life off of the motto of be content but never
34:19
satisfied and so I moved home to North Carolina
34:24
And had talked with my mom prior and said, I
34:26
really miss you. I don't want to be in Raleigh.
34:28
So I moved out to Wilmington. I moved from California
34:32
with the intention to move to Wilmington. Oh,
34:34
and this is the other crazy thing that I was
34:36
like, God is moving in this. Is when I was getting
34:39
ready to tell people I was leaving. My boss at
34:43
A21. Because Christine Keene is not the boss.
34:46
She's just a founder of it. Her husband is one
34:49
of the bosses that. That really did start it.
34:53
It's in his name, I believe. But the female boss
34:56
that was above me, I was meeting with her and
34:58
she said something like, my daughter lived in
35:02
Wilmington and I knew her daughter. I'd worked
35:04
with her daughter for a while at that point.
35:07
She said, my daughter used to live in Wilmington
35:09
and she went to this church called Port City.
35:11
And I looked at her and I said, that's the church
35:13
my mom goes to. But she was like, wow. And I
35:16
said, I think that's the church. Like, I think
35:18
that's another sign. Like, I'm supposed to move
35:20
to Wilmington and go to Port City and be with
35:23
my mom and my brother and, like, do this life.
35:26
And just knowing that, like, someone from California
35:29
that I really trusted and admired and looked
35:31
up to had said that to me. I wish I could go,
35:34
and maybe I will. And let me just get into this
35:36
part, too. Like, moving to California did so
35:40
much for me, y 'all. I wish you could have seen
35:42
the person I was before. I did a lot of healing
35:45
when I was in California. My boss at the time,
35:49
she pulled me into the office at one point and
35:51
looked at me and she said, I see in you that
35:54
there's a voice that is going to be used and
35:56
I cannot wait to see how God uses your voice.
36:00
And she just continued to really encourage that
36:03
in me for months leading up to me leaving. And
36:07
when I was there, I was getting a tattoo by someone
36:10
who happened to be a pastor and owned a tattoo
36:13
shop. And he prophetically prayed over me and
36:16
just brought out a lot in me that I had not told
36:19
anybody, much less him. Um, that was actually
36:23
really crazy too. Okay. So basically before moving
36:25
to California, one of my friends, I was at a
36:28
Christian bonfire group with one of my friends
36:29
and her sibling started prophetically praying
36:32
over me, which I'd never encountered that before.
36:34
That was the first time having someone speak
36:36
over my life in that way. And then getting to
36:39
California and having this tattoo artist lay
36:42
hands on me and he was like, I see you breaking
36:44
chain. I see you breaking women free of chains.
36:47
And whether that's slavery or emotional or mental,
36:50
I see God using you to help set people free.
36:58
that you were trying to break free of some chains
37:00
of your own that are covered in darkness that
37:03
you've hidden from the people closest to you.
37:05
He said, you think you've healed, but you haven't.
37:07
And at that time, I was trying to force myself
37:11
to heal from some childhood abuse that I had
37:15
gone through. Moving forward from there, I just
37:18
had so many people speak words of life into me,
37:22
and I got to leave North Carolina. and take that
37:26
mask off. If you've heard that episode about
37:29
if the mask fits, where's it? And going to California,
37:33
I took that mask off and I really got to figure
37:35
out who I was. And God set me free of so many
37:39
chains. And I definitely believe like I would,
37:42
I would be similar to who I am today if I hadn't
37:45
gone, but it would have been, it would have taken
37:47
a lot longer. And I wouldn't be where I am without
37:50
that. And so, yeah, God orchestrated all these
37:54
little, all these crazy little things of going
37:57
to passion, going to seminary school to try and
38:01
figure life out, to moving to California, to
38:03
working for 821. So having them speak over me,
38:07
I remember one time they asked me to lead a Bible
38:09
study in front of Christine Kane's husband, Nick,
38:12
and I thought, I cannot lead a... or not a Bible
38:16
study, but like a talk about the Bible in front
38:18
of this man. His wife is Christine Kane. That's
38:20
all I could think of. Like he, Nick listens to
38:23
Chris preach. The last thing I need to do is
38:25
be talking on some little, some little topic
38:28
today. No, I don't need to do that in front of
38:32
our whole office. No, thank you. And I remember
38:34
they told me to just pray about it. And Josh
38:36
at the time looked like I called him and told
38:38
him, and he was like, why would you not do that?
38:40
why would you truly you have an opportunity to
38:43
do something that you will probably never get
38:44
a chance to do again why would you not do that
38:46
so I did it and I remember being just glad that
38:49
I did it even though to me it was it was not
38:51
the best I was speaking on Psalm 23 talking about
38:54
the shadow of death because Russia had just invaded
38:57
Ukraine and we were we had an office in Ukraine
39:00
and we were all really struggling with what was
39:02
going on there at the time anyways so God used
39:06
all these little things and that tattoo artist
39:09
praying over me about setting God, using me to
39:12
help set women free of chains, whether that was
39:14
physical. And I didn't tell him that I'd move
39:15
there to work for 821 or mental or emotional,
39:18
um, to now I'm here doing this. So all that to
39:24
say, if it's your own selfish desire, it's not
39:31
going to work out in magical, mystical God ways.
39:37
that it does and if it's from god it's he's gonna
39:42
do the most bizarre things and he's gonna get
39:44
you to where you're supposed to be in the most
39:46
bizarre way that you sit there and go only god
39:48
only god i only got god i only got to eat dinner
39:52
tonight because of god i only got to pay rent
39:54
because of god I'm not going to be like, it's
39:56
a coincidence that my dad sent me that much money.
39:59
No, that it is not a coincidence. I was not telling
40:02
my parents I was broke as a joke. I was telling
40:04
them I was fine. I was telling them I was good
40:06
because I knew that they were not happy with
40:08
my choice at the time and best believe I was
40:10
stubborn. I was stubborn as a bull and I was
40:13
not going to tell people that I was starving
40:14
so that I could pay rent. Only God could do that.
40:18
And the fact that I was forced to get out of
40:21
my comfort zone time and time again of talking
40:24
on subjects at age 21 to having my leader speak
40:28
over me. And they almost convinced me to stay
40:30
at one point. They tried. They really wanted
40:32
me to stay and move up and forward. And I almost
40:35
did, but I didn't. And I'm so thankful for the
40:37
friends I had. I got to just start over with
40:40
beautiful friendships and be encouraged in so
40:43
many different ways and see what they're doing.
40:44
One of my friends is now working for a church
40:46
in Thailand. And seeing what she's doing with
40:48
her life is amazing where God has taken her.
40:51
So if it's from God, he's not going to work in
40:54
normal ways. I'm telling you now. So for the
40:56
girl that needs encouragement, you're like, okay,
40:58
I think God is telling me to do this. Or I feel
41:02
like God's telling me to do this. Or God spoke
41:04
to me, but now I'm doubting if it was God. I'm
41:08
telling you, if you do it on your own accord,
41:11
it's going to be your one, two, three step. But
41:14
if it's from God, it's going to go from A to
41:17
H to Y to Z. It's going to happen in the most
41:21
bizarre ways because that's our God does not
41:24
work in normal ways. He never has and he never
41:27
will because he wants you to see the miracles
41:29
that he's using and doing through you. And I
41:31
will tell you too, it is the most humbling experience
41:34
you will ever have. I'm so unbelievably humbled
41:38
by my experience that he has given me and done
41:42
for me. And every time I look back, I go, that
41:44
was God. That was truly God. That was not me.
41:47
No part of me did that. No part of me deserved
41:50
that. No part of me earned that. I did not earn
41:54
my space at A21. I did not earn the chance to
41:57
talk and speak and be pushed out of my comfort
42:00
zone. I did not earn. my boss looking at me and
42:03
saying, you have a voice to use, use it. I did
42:06
not earn my boss looking at me and being like,
42:08
I cannot wait to see what God does and how he
42:10
uses you in life. I did not earn any of that.
42:14
But God used those people to set me up for the
42:17
next thing. And right now, here we are. Right
42:19
now, this podcast is the next thing until he
42:22
tells me what the next thing is. So yeah, that
42:24
long story to get to the end of because now I'm
42:28
back and now I'm in Wilmy. That's how I got to
42:30
California. And that's why I moved to California.
42:33
And that's what God did in my life in California.
42:36
And I had the most beautiful, magical, amazing
42:38
time. And I will never forget what God did in
42:43
my life there. Truly, we will see what he does
42:47
next. So I hope that you feel encouraged in some
42:52
way by this podcast today. And I hope that if
42:55
you're having doubt or trust. and what you think
42:58
God wants you to do, or you really know in your
43:01
heart that it's what He wants you to do, just
43:04
say you'll do it. Before even physically doing
43:07
it, before just jumping and doing it, before
43:10
feeling like if you say it, then you have to
43:12
do it, just do what I did, which was just say
43:15
you'll do it without actually being fully mentally,
43:18
emotionally committed, and see how you feel after
43:21
answering Him. Because I hope that you feel...
43:24
The undeniable peace that filled my body after
43:27
I'd been wrestling so hard with the spirit for
43:29
that time. All right, well, that's the end. Thanks
43:35
for hanging out with me today. Let's pray. Dear
43:38
Jesus, I thank you so much for the girl who's
43:42
listening to this, that I thank you that her
43:44
heart and desires for you, that her eyes are
43:47
fixed upon you, and that she so desperately just
43:50
wants to hear from you. That she's looking for
43:53
her next step and that you will give it to her.
43:55
And Lord, if she's already heard you, if you've
43:58
already told her in only the way that you can
44:00
tell her what you want her to do, what your desire
44:04
is for her, that you implement the spirit of
44:07
peace over that. That she gets that burst of
44:10
courage to just trust you and say, your will
44:13
be done. Okay, God, you want me to start walking?
44:16
You tell me when to stop. I ask that she not
44:19
let negative words get into her of her telling
44:21
herself that she's a Jonah, but that she sees
44:24
herself as a faithful servant like Abraham. I
44:26
thank you for her heart for you and that she
44:30
knows that you're walking with her. And I ask
44:33
that you show up for her too, that she reminds
44:36
you the way that I reminded you saying, you say
44:39
you're going to be here. I'm going to knock like
44:41
the widow at the door until you show up because
44:44
you are a God who shows up. You are a God of
44:47
steadfast love and you are a God of grace and
44:50
mercy. So I ask that for the girl who's looking
44:53
for that encouragement of taking that jump of
44:55
trusting you and diving into what you want her
44:58
to do, that she has faith in your steadfast love
45:02
and your grace and in your mercy and that she
45:05
leans not in her strength and courage, but she
45:07
leans onto your strength and courage and that
45:10
she moves in a boldness that only you can give
45:13
her. I ask that she sees the adventure and the
45:16
joy that comes from living in you, that she breaks
45:19
free of any chains that are holding her back
45:21
and holding her down, any chains emotionally
45:25
or mentally, and that she is set free and chasing
45:29
after your will. I thank you for all that you
45:33
do for us, Lord, and I ask that you continue
45:36
to walk with us every day and show up for us
45:39
and remind us of the love that you have. And
45:41
in Jesus' name, amen. All right. Once again,
45:54
that's all I have for you. Thank you so much
45:56
for listening to the Living Free Podcast. It
45:58
means the world that you even thought to tune
46:00
in and listen to this episode. If you want to
46:03
get connected, you can message me on Instagram
46:05
or even follow me at HannahLizD. And you can
46:09
email me at livingfreepod at gmail .com if you
46:12
have any questions or you have a subject you
46:15
want me to cover. I would be super honored and
46:19
really appreciate it if you'd go ahead and hit
46:21
that subscribe button and leave me a review.
46:24
And if you have feedback, go ahead and just pop
46:27
in an email. Send me an email or DM me once again
46:30
on Instagram. Again, y 'all, thank you so much
46:33
for listening. I hope you feel encouraged and
46:35
lighter today and that you're ready to take whatever
46:38
leap you feel like God is calling you to take
46:41
and that you put your trust in him. All right.
46:43
Bye, y 'all.