Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / Silence Is Strength — The Art of Shutting The F Up | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep444

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Silence Is Strength — The Art of Shutting The F Up | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep444 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Silence is strength.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: The art of shutting the F up.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Labeling your partner.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna go with narcissist.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Submitting to your husband.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Triggers versus cognitive distortions, guys.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh, this might trigger you and put you into your own distortion.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: 90% of marriages fail.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Silence is strength.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: The art of shutting the F up.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is a good one.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is a good one.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: You are passionate as F about this right now.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine's created a new course with one of our colleagues, James, and um you might have seen him on some of the lives in the human bleed with him and I.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: And um Catherine has taken this to a whole new level.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to explain why.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Give me a prompt.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Let's let's go with like we had this incredible, incredible breakthrough over the holidays, if you're really following back then.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: And um since then, there's been a big transition in our message, trying to really make it clear.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you know, like the the songs are just like they're going incredibly viral.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and the songs that I've written are really connecting and validating a lot of women, making women feel like um they're not crazy, creating a lot of awareness for relationship, and um, and they're really connecting a lot of couples.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: But in that process, you might have seen in some of the recent episodes of the podcast where we're really hyper focusing on this message of a woman's power.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because everybody wants the marriage that we have.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And although I am very forceful and I'm very in a man's face saying this is what you do, I did not know back then what I know now.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And a big part of our story was the power and the strength that you had, baby, with be being the woman you wanted to be, not being a victim.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, let me jump in then.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: So, Silence of Strength is the evolution of the original program that I taught.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: So the program that I built in 2022 called the Whitebook Efense Project, some of you probably have read the book behind the Whitebook Effects, which has some of the strategies in there.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Silence of Strength is that compounded.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: So, what I learned.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: So, in in the White Book Effects, you learn how to get yourself out of a crisis.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because what happens in the White Book Effects is you're very reactive, you're reacting to your husband, you're owning his behavior, you're getting really defensive, you're throwing contempt back, you're really fighting.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: And then silence of strength is the next step where you don't have the urgency to fill the space with nothing.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of the things that I teach my clients in both programs is that if your husband is not receiving what you're saying, why are you saying it?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's a huge waste of your energy.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: And you also have this desire to tell him what it is that you think he doesn't care.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Is that fair?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's not.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: But shouldn't don't you think that you should save your energy and your conversation, your communication for a time when you're connected and he can actually hear you?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: So it's not about silencing yourself.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about erasure, it's not about not erasure.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know the word like um erasing yourself.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Getting erased.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about um like muting yourself.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: In the beginning, it's gonna feel like you just have to turn your volume down and it's gonna feel really fucking unfair.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: But it's because that's how I felt.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I don't get to talk, like I don't get to say anything.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so we the reason James Tippins and I put this program together was because he helped me over the last few years learn when to speak and when not to speak, and when it's valuable and when it's not, and when he's listening and when he's not.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: So by reading my husband, I know if I should say something.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I still make mistakes, but mostly I just zip it.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: And in the beginning, I was like, I don't think this is fair.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: If I, you know, why don't I get to have an opinion?
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: You do get to have an opinion.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's just that your opinion really only matters to you in that moment until you're connected.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's just about like learning how to manage the urgencies.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you're when you have this urgent need to speak, there's usually something behind it, and the root is not good.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's defensiveness.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: You want to justify, you want to correct, you want to defend, um, all kinds of things.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: So you have to figure out who you are in that moment because that person shouldn't be speaking.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, man, you're not off the hook either.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like of course, man, you need to learn this exact same thing.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but one of the things that I've really recognized, and we've had some discussions big about is that um, again, going back to woman's power, I'm not relieving men of their responsibility, their importance of emotional intelligence, knowing when to speak as well.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: But we have to think about this.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you think about, if you watch the podcast from the beginning, we've talked to always about how men are naturally more assertive, more aggressive.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And Catherine will often talk about how this is important.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can't stifle this in a man.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is the man that's going to be able to protect you, the family, the the like make big, bold decisions when lifted and is a proper leader.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so if we understand that, then it goes back to, again, not full responsibility on a woman.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you need to understand this as well, men.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: She has big feelings.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: She's gonna go through some highs and lows.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: She's gonna not be as emotionally intelligent as Catherine at this point.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: She's gonna, she's going to be um in a state where you need to buckle up, get your helmet on.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: She's gonna run us out of your car, especially if you're in crisis or conflict.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: But what you need to understand is we've even recognized, like, she this this actually all started maybe back when we were like, um, we talked about I I come to a Catherine with an apology, and I'd be like, Fuck, I really fucked up.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really sorry, babe.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And she goes, I saw I could have seen it coming a mile away, right?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: I think it was last year, maybe a year and a half ago or something that I started to recognize that.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so that was like the foundation, and this has evolved over the last year, year and a half.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: So the importance of this again is not to um not speak, it's when to speak and how much you speak, what you say.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Uh in the beginning, it's to not speak.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you don't know what to say, say nothing.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: Figure out what it is that you should be saying, because you do need to, you do need the reality is you do need to speak less.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: You don't need to prove yourself.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: You don't so one of the first things we teach is sense of self.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Who are you?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you're just the defender or the corrector, well, that sucks, doesn't it?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: So who are you?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we spent a lot of time on this podcast lately talking about the fact that most of you don't know who you are.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: The real issue in marriage and why we're so successful, what we do, is we've been attacking identity and uh identity crisis and who are you when no one needs you?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you when they can't take anything from you?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: We've been doing that for years.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: People are just throwing around that buzzword identity right now.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: They have no idea what we've put together and they're trying to mimic it.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: But what you have to understand is if you're in the middle of defending your needs, in other words, think about every time you want to send a message.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Even I went to look at the podcast questions today.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like people, you guys message us on our website and ask questions.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't address any of them.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know why?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's a bunch of bullshit symptoms.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are constantly going back to symptoms, which is why you inadvertently have too much to say and you don't know what to do.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: You have to defend and justify the way Catherine's talking about because you're so you think you do, because you're so focused on the fact that you're you're stuck in this symptom-based marriage and the pain hurts so much that you have a lot to say because your brain doesn't stop thinking when you're up all night, when you're distracted, when you're scrolling on your phone and your phone's been listening to you, you're constantly feeding yourself with all the reasons why you need to justify why your partner is the fuck up.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And people stop taking responsibility for themselves long before it even gets bad in a relationship.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Pause for a second.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: So he said a minute ago, gentlemen, I'm not letting you guys off the hook, right?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Guys are not off the hook.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's true.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the thing, and I want you to listen to this very carefully.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: So if I'm talking to you and you're a woman and I say you could take 100%, whether your husband takes responsibility or not does not affect your 100%.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: So if you take 100% and he doesn't take 100%, it doesn't change what you're doing.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: If you take 100% and he takes 100%, it still doesn't change what you're doing.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: You're still responsible for your 100% of the equation, which people don't understand.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: People are like, oh, it's 50-50.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's 100-100 always.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: And if he's zero or you're zero, that doesn't, that shouldn't affect the other person.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: No, if you know who you are and who you want to be, then you focus on everything.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I just sent a DM last night, no, two days ago, uh, to somebody who's like, uh, yeah, but you know, they're not in it.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like it this does take two.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: I've been putting all this work in and all this stuff.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: So wait a minute.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have a partner that starts doing something mean, they they check out, they're not helping out around the house, they're not uh, you know, they're betraying you with whatever.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So all of a sudden, that gives you the right to be an asshole, that gives you a right to shut down, maybe, but then what the fuck are you doing here?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Leave.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: But then you exactly.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I spoke to a woman just last week, same sort of thing.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: I got screenshots of a conversation, and she's been in my program for a few months now, almost three months.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, This is not what I taught you.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: You are going to get nowhere if you speak like this.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, But I've tried everything.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Well, you're not doing what I'm teaching you.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: So you have two choices either leave, if this is how you're gonna communicate with him, nothing's going to change.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Look at, and I pointed out a couple of responses.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: I said, This is only making it worse.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, You're right.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: She's very open to doing it differently.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: But the thing is, you guys are so full of bitterness and resentment, and your wall is up so high that you think that you need to defend yourself, and then you're never, you're never gonna get through to your husband.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I, you know what, I get it.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Your husbands are acting like assholes.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: So are some of the wives.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like, but in and in that, and I coach mostly women, so it's mostly the asshole husbands that I see.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: But if you are responding to that nature with the same nature, then you're both assholes.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: You are never going to lead your husband out of narcissism or you know, these really strong personality disorder traits, emotional abuse.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: You will never lead him out if you respond to fire with fire.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: You will never do it, and you might as well get a divorce.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this is the thing, you guys.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Go back to what she just talked about.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: People we do, we talk about this all the time.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: We think we try everything.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Forget the usual story that I told you.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's actually what that woman said.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: She said, But I already tried everything.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: I said, No, you didn't.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: You're not doing again.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what she keeps talking about.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you tried a lot of things over the years.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: You had to correct you every day.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: So how does that mean?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: And she says thank you every day.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: So how does that mean you've tried everything?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now same with my woman, very coachable.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Forget our usual discussion about how we've spent now it's 860 grand on coaching, education, certifications, she's in a new degree right now, master's.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, forget the fact that we build and create.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's what we usually talk about to prove that you haven't tried everything.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Forget that.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you think you've tried everything and you have any form of bitterness, contempt, resentment, you need to defend yourself, justify victimization, any of it.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's why you have too much to say and you don't know how to stop.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you justify again by saying, Well, if I don't, they're just abusing.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: If I don't, they're just gonna go on all night.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they will for a minute, but after a while, if you just listen to us, it starts to fade away because there's next steps.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: When you do speak, what do you say?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: When you do show up, what else are you trying?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: When you start adding all the things that you can try from over here, from over here, from down here, from up here, and you do it all and you are consistent and you don't have that bitterness, then we know we can start looking at inviting them to join us.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: We can look at motivating with a boundary.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And fuck, most of you still jump to divorce with boundaries.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: That means you haven't tried everything.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because the more you grow, I'll say it over and over again the more you grow, the less likely you are to leave them for somebody, or leave them for peace, or to leave them for anything because you can inspire them and it will be getting better.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't fast enough for you because you're growing.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's the men talking the other day.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: They misinterpret, well, they didn't misinterpret.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: We were talking about like when would it be acceptable for a man to leave a relationship?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: And really, it came down to like, well, if you're not really having the sex life that you want, and I had to clarify with the guys because at the end of the day, there's always going to be something that's gonna change the sex life.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Sex life is like a massive priority, but like fuck, man, get real.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: From everything that goes on with your kids their entire life to all the different goals, to the way things happen when you're trying to build your career, to the hormones and and everything shifting in in your body as you get older.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, most of you aren't even doing anything to keep healthy to focus on the hormone one, for example.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: So, how the fuck can you expect that to stay uh where you want it all the time?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so we start to look at this and we start to realize, oh shit, that means that every time I try everything, I always slip back to the most underrated and overused coping mechanism or numbing mechan mechanism, which is um comfort and complacent.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: You just get resentful because you say they're comfortable, but how can you be comfortable if you're getting worse and you can't master the art of silence's strength?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, pay attention.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's so fucking important.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it's actually like the evolution of our programs, like Catherine was saying.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't get it, then you'll never make it to the next level.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: We were talking this morning about I'm gonna cool, I'm president of our company, Dennis, and I are going to go work with Alex Ramosy's team again, and we're going down again.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we worked with Ramosi years ago, but now we're gonna use them for this company and how we can reach you guys more.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: And we were talking about this and we were talking about the next level because we have so many people who get this massive breakthrough, they're out of crisis, they're out of conflict, and they want what we have.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's this kind of stuff.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: We're spending some more time talking about this stuff, but the more you understand it, the faster you'll actually move.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can't avoid it.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: See you next time.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.