Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #440 Better Together

Transcript

#440 Better Together · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, I would say I'll do more than half the housework.
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  Speaker 2: Do you disagree with that?
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  Speaker 3: You're laughing?
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  Speaker 4: Do you mean blowing the lease?
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coilson, the author of six
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  Speaker 2: books about raising happy families. I'm here with Kylie, my
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  Speaker 2: wife and mum to our six kids. Who's a little
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  Speaker 2: bit cranky with me today? Because I won't be saying
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  Speaker 2: the author of six books for much longer. I've taken
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: on some projects. You might say, Kylie, you're with me
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  Speaker 2: on FaceTime because we're living in different places right now,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm kind of glad because.
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  Speaker 3: You are a bit cranky. Do you want to highlight
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  Speaker 3: why are you a bit cranky?
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  Speaker 4: Well, at the.
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  Speaker 5: End of Parental Guidance, you took on two more books,
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  Speaker 5: which would take you to eight. Then you ran me
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  Speaker 5: yesterday to tell me that not only are you about
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  Speaker 5: to write book seven and eight, but you've actually now
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  Speaker 5: just taken on nine and ten, and over the next
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  Speaker 5: eighteen months you have to write four books.
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  Speaker 3: There's a lot of work to do, isn't there.
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  Speaker 2: It's exciting such a big project, so much opportunity to
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  Speaker 2: help families in so many different ways.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, I'm so excited for this, but you're share
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  Speaker 3: my enthusiasm.
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  Speaker 5: Part of the reason we were moving to the coast
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  Speaker 5: was because we were looking to slow life down and
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  Speaker 5: to enjoy what life has to offer instead of you
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  Speaker 5: being stuck in the office writing.
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  Speaker 2: Trust me, honey, it's going to be fine. It's going
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  Speaker 2: to be fine. I promise you it's going to be great.
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  Speaker 4: Okay.
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  Speaker 2: So this is the point where maybe I should put
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  Speaker 2: you on mute because I'm really scared about what you're
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  Speaker 2: about to say.
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  Speaker 4: Well, let's just say I have this recorded, right.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's true, you do.
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  Speaker 4: I have proof that you told me it's going to
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  Speaker 4: be okay.
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  Speaker 2: So the reason that we're having this conversation with you
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  Speaker 2: in public rather than keeping it behind closed doors is
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  Speaker 2: because every relationship has it challenges. But when we get
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: our relationship working, when we're on the same page, we
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  Speaker 2: are much better together. And tonight, there's a webinar for
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  Speaker 2: all Happy Families members, whether you're a basic member or
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: a Premium member. It's called Better Together last year, Kylie
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  Speaker 2: and I did a workshop, a two hour workshop about it.
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  Speaker 3: This is a completely different thing.
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  Speaker 2: It's just me a one hour webinar about how to
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  Speaker 2: make your couple's relationship stronger, whether you're co parenting, whether
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  Speaker 2: you're with an x or not with an ex, regardless
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  Speaker 2: of the whether with your husband or wife or a
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  Speaker 2: new partner, Better Together is for you. If you're not
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: a Happy Family's member, why not. It's only thirteen dollars
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: a month or eighteen for a premium membership. The list
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: of value the premium Happy Families content that we give
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: you is extraordinary. Thirteen dollars a month or eighteen dollars
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: a month, or when you sign up for a year,
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: you get two months free. So jump online and sign
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: up today and join us for Better Together tonight. If
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: you don't want to sign up as a member, you
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  Speaker 2: can still pay thirty dollars and the webinar is yours
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  Speaker 2: as well. So Kylie, let's talk about the webinar. We're
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  Speaker 2: going to be talking about how to make our relationship strong.
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  Speaker 2: But I thought in the podcast today we could play
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  Speaker 2: around with some relationship errors that every single one of us.
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  Speaker 4: Make, or we've highlighted many times that I'm perfect.
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  Speaker 5: So I'm not sure which I'm bringing up today, but
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  Speaker 5: let's just say, for everybody else out there, what would
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  Speaker 5: you say the number one relationship mistake would be?
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  Speaker 2: All right, So we're going to talk about this in
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  Speaker 2: detail tonight, but let's give it a sort of a
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  Speaker 2: quick overview right now.
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to say the number one.
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  Speaker 2: Mistake is it's universal. We all make this mistake, and
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  Speaker 2: that is that we fall victim to biases. So let
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  Speaker 2: me talk about a couple of them, and you tell
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  Speaker 2: me whether or not there might be any of these
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  Speaker 2: even in the current issue that we're dealing with just now.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm going to start with egocentrism. Egocentrism is when
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  Speaker 2: we feel like everything is about us. Okay, so I'm
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  Speaker 2: only thinking about things from my perspective. I'm seeing it
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  Speaker 2: through my lens. And then let's say you're not in
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  Speaker 2: a great mood, Kylie, and it has nothing to do
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  Speaker 2: with me at all. Egocentrism biases when I say to you, hey,
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  Speaker 2: what's wrong and you say nothing, and I'm like, well,
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  Speaker 2: it seems like you're upset, and you say, well, I'm
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  Speaker 2: not doing great, but it's got nothing to do with you.
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  Speaker 3: I'm just having a bit of.
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  Speaker 2: A day, and I'm like, no, no, no, there's something going on,
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  Speaker 2: and you're denying it, and I think that there's something
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  Speaker 2: the matter. And then what happens is you start to
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  Speaker 2: get mad at me because I'm telling you that there
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: must be something wrong and that you're mad at me,
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  Speaker 2: and you're saying that you're not mad at me, which
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: makes you mad at me, even though it had nothing
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  Speaker 2: to do with me in the first place. But now
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  Speaker 2: it does have everything to do with me because I've
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  Speaker 2: made it all about me, because my egocentrism.
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  Speaker 3: That was a mouthful, Yeah, but you know what I'm saying,
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  Speaker 3: right well.
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  Speaker 5: Since we're talking about it, obviously, yesterday when you shared
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  Speaker 5: with me that you had taken on these extra projects,
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  Speaker 5: I was not very excited about it, and our conversation
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  Speaker 5: didn't end on a good note.
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  Speaker 3: No no, no, you're pretty cranky.
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  Speaker 2: And then you texted me later and try to explain
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  Speaker 2: yourself a little bit more and we were able to
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  Speaker 2: work it out. But that's because not only was the
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  Speaker 2: egocentric bias working against me. I was getting a little
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  Speaker 2: bit too egocentric, but I was also doing something called
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  Speaker 2: projection bias. So projection bias is when we think that
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  Speaker 2: other people share our preferences and believes more than they
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  Speaker 2: actually do. I just thought that you'd be as excited
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  Speaker 2: about this as I am, because if I'm excited about it,
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  Speaker 2: surely you're going to be excited about it.
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  Speaker 4: You know.
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  Speaker 5: One of the things that I absolutely love about you
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  Speaker 5: and always have is your enthusiasm for life, and you
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  Speaker 5: desire to jump jump into life in every every stage,
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  Speaker 5: every place that you feel would be beneficial. And in
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  Speaker 5: saying that, it's also the thing that drives me the
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  Speaker 5: most crazy, Yeah, because you just you don't know how
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  Speaker 5: to sit still and you don't know how to not
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  Speaker 5: be doing things.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. We've actually talked about this before.
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  Speaker 2: We're pretty certain when we look at the criteria for
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  Speaker 2: adult ADHD that I probably qualify and I might have
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  Speaker 2: even had it when I was a child, but it
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  Speaker 2: was never diagnosed. And this is one of those things
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  Speaker 2: where and the other aspect of this is we get
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  Speaker 2: kind of optimistic about our own well I do anyway,
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  Speaker 2: about our own capacity to do things.
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  Speaker 3: And I remember it many years ago, somebody said, what's
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  Speaker 3: your life motto?
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  Speaker 2: If you had to make up a life model on
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  Speaker 2: the spot what would be And I was quite for
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  Speaker 2: about ten seconds and then I said there would be
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  Speaker 2: two things. Number one, always bite off more than you
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  Speaker 2: can chew a Number two, make it up as you
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  Speaker 2: go along. And I remember you just laughing and being
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  Speaker 2: that is so what we do, that is so what
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  Speaker 2: you do. But that's where projection bias. It becomes a
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  Speaker 2: really big error because when I'm projecting onto you and
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: saying this is going to and we do it all
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  Speaker 2: the time, right, this is going to be great, You're
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  Speaker 2: going to love it, and we're only saying it because
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  Speaker 2: I think it's going to be great, and I think.
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  Speaker 3: I'm going to love it.
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  Speaker 2: So it's like oysters oysters and olives love olives. And
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  Speaker 2: when I say to you you can love it, it's
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  Speaker 2: so good, that's projection. I want to get to a
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  Speaker 2: couple more of these biases, because we all make these mistakes.
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  Speaker 2: After the break, let's talk about overclaiming and the fundamental
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: attribution error.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: a happy family doesn't just happen.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
• 7:28
  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 7:30
  Speaker 4: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we're
• 7:34
  Speaker 4: delving into some of the biggest relationship mistakes we all make,
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  Speaker 4: except no.
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  Speaker 3: Even me.
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  Speaker 2: I make these more than just about anyone, even though
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: I teach people how to not make them. And that's
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: because Tonight Better Together. The webinar is happening for all
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: Happy Families members. It's including your membership. If you're not
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: a member, please sign up today and join us for
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: what should be an absolute cracker, an absolute cracker.
• 7:57
  Speaker 3: Of a webinar.
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  Speaker 2: Kylie, We've done two of our that I'm going to
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  Speaker 2: talk about. There's actually about seven that we could talk about.
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  Speaker 2: In fact, there's more but that we're going to talk
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  Speaker 2: about in tonight's webinar. I want to talk to you
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  Speaker 2: about the overclaiming bias. Tell me if this sounds familiar.
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  Speaker 2: If somebody says, hey, justin what percentage of the housework
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  Speaker 2: do you do? What percentage do you think I would claim?
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  Speaker 4: I think that you would think you do about fifty percent.
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  Speaker 2: No, I would say I do more than that. I
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  Speaker 2: would say I do more than half the housework. Do
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  Speaker 2: you disagree with that you're laughing.
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  Speaker 4: Do you mean blowing the leaves?
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  Speaker 2: Well, no, no, no, I'm talking about inside the house. I'm
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  Speaker 2: not talking about all the stuff outside the house. I
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  Speaker 2: reckon I would do between fifty and sixty percent. Yeah, yep,
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  Speaker 2: when it comes to all of the cleaning or the vacuuming,
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  Speaker 2: or the type the amount of work that I do
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  Speaker 2: in the kitchen alone, Kylie, it's got to be seventy
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  Speaker 2: percent of the housework, the amount of time that I
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  Speaker 2: spend in the kitchen.
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  Speaker 3: Wow, how much would you say that you do?
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  Speaker 2: What percentage would you say if we weren't having this,
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  Speaker 2: if we hadn't already had this part of the conversation.
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  Speaker 4: Oh, I would say that I do about eighty eighty percent.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And if we ask the children and what percentage
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  Speaker 2: they did, it's going to add up to more than
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  Speaker 2: one hundred, right.
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  Speaker 4: As well with your seventy percent.
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  Speaker 2: So all right, So maybe I've overclaimed it on purpose.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe I've overclaimed it a little bit on purpose.
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  Speaker 3: But here's the thing.
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  Speaker 2: When researchers ask couples who does what percentage of what
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  Speaker 2: share of the housework, what we tend to find is
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  Speaker 2: that it always adds up to.
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  Speaker 3: More than one hundred.
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  Speaker 2: Both partners believe that they're contributing more than they probably
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  Speaker 2: actually are, and they're overclaiming, and this is a bias.
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  Speaker 3: Now, this happens for a couple of reasons.
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  Speaker 2: Number One, I know very well what I'm doing, but
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  Speaker 2: I don't really have a clue what you're up to.
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  Speaker 2: I'm fully immersed in my own world, and I know
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  Speaker 2: how many dishes I clean, and I know how much
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  Speaker 2: how many sourcemans I scrub, like, I know what I'm
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  Speaker 2: doing and how much work I'm doing on the house,
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  Speaker 2: but I can't see what you're doing because I'm so
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  Speaker 2: busy doing what I'm doing.
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  Speaker 3: And so that's part of the overclaiming problem.
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  Speaker 2: The other part is we just we actually think that
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  Speaker 2: we're bigger contributors than we really are, overclaiming. I mean,
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  Speaker 2: you and I together, we're doing one hundred and forty
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  Speaker 2: percent of the housework, Kylie, and yet it's still never done.
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  Speaker 3: I don't understand that.
• 10:06
  Speaker 4: All right, Well, tell me what's the last one.
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  Speaker 3: So we're going to talk about that later tonight.
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: And the last one that we'll talk about for now
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: is the fundamental attribution error, which is a really fancy
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: way of saying that when our.
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  Speaker 4: Partner makes it's just a mouthful.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah I know, I know, but it's been around for
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: about seventy years now and there's a lot of research
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: to support.
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  Speaker 3: And that's what it's called fundamental attribution error.
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  Speaker 2: It's basically, when our partner makes a mistake, it's primarily
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: because they're faulty, like they've got an issue with their character,
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: and we see their character flaws and weaknesses and we
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: blame them for being malicious or unthoughtful or selfish. But
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: when we make mistakes, it was all about the circumstances.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: It was just bad like conspiring against us.
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  Speaker 3: It's not me. It's the environment. It's not me.
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  Speaker 2: It's the pressure, it's the kids, it's the fact that
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: my mum called at the wrong time. It's all of
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: those kinds of things. So when you get mad at
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: me for doing something that you didn't want me to do,
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: that's not take on bok like take on too many books.
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  Speaker 2: It's not actually my fault. It's all of the other
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: stuff that's happening. It's all of that stuff out there,
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: not me, because I'm a good person. But when you
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: do the wrong thing, you know, if you were to
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: sum it up in a simple sentence. Fundamental attribution area
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: is basically, I want you to judge me by my intentions,
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: not my actions, because that's how you judge yourself.
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: You judge yourself by your intentions, not your actions. But
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: we tend ah.
• 11:21
  Speaker 4: You know what you were thinking in the moment that
• 11:25
  Speaker 4: you did whatever you.
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: Did exactly exactly.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: So all of those things we're going to be talking
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: about in Better Together Tonight, as well as the solutions
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: how we can get past these faulty biases, how we
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: can get past our failure to invest, how we can
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: get our focus right in our relationship, get past the
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: idea that we should be comfortable, recognize the bumps in
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: the robe a road sorry, and then look at six
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: sure fireways that we can strengthen our relationship. I think
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: this is going to be the best webinar that I've
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: done in such long time. I can't wait for you
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: to join me, Kylie. Thanks for sharing all of my
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: faults with everyone in today's podcast.
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: I appreciate that.
• 11:58
  Speaker 4: Well, you must feel like you've just hit the jackpot.
• 12:02
  Speaker 4: I feel married today with no faults at all.
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: I feel like that every day tonight.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: Please join us Better Together at seven o'clock queens Land time,
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: eight o'clock New South b was Victoria time.
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: Check your local guides for details.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: What I mean by that is jump on a Happy
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: families dot com dot you become a Happy Family's member.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: It's included in your membership thirteen bucks a month or
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: eighteen bucks a month. Or if you don't want to
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: become a member for some reason that I can't quite understand,
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: you can always buy the webinar for thirty dollars and
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: hopefully we'll have a record crowd, a whole bunch of
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: people working out how to make their relationships better. That's
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: better together tonight. All the details at Happy families dot
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: com dot you. As always, we appreciate Justin Roland. He
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: produces the podcast and makes it sound great and fixes
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: up all of our mistakes.
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer. He's the ideas man. Craig,
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: thanks for your work.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: If you'd like to get more info, Like I said,
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: all the details are at happy families dot com dot au.