Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 346. Dealing with Energy Vampires and Negative People

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346. Dealing with Energy Vampires and Negative People · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans. Welcome to the episode of Today.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: So in today's episode, I'm so fucking excited about this episode.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Can I just say, because I've posted about it on
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: my Facebook group, I've posted about it on the Instagram.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: I've gotten so many great, great questions which have actually
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: helped me format my dot points in this episode, so
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: thank you. But we're talking about energy vampires, people that
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: drain your energy. I'm actually going to go into detail
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: about exactly what an energy vampire is because there's going
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: to be things that you might think you've got an
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: energy vampire in your life, and you might be like, oh,
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: they meet some of the criteria. They don't necessarily have
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: to meet all the criteria. And this is not like
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: a diagnosis, mind you. Can you imagine if the DSM
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: five had like energy vampire as like a proper disorder,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: they probably should, but they don't. This is just kind
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: of like roughly what you will probably find when dealing
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: with someone who is draining your energy. Now I'm going
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: to go into detail in a little bit, but you're
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: going to realize that this applies to any kind of person,
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: an acquaintance, a friendship, a relative, a coworker, a boss.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Anyone can fall under the category of an energy vampire.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Some people jokingly were referring to children as energy vampires.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: That absolutely does not count. We're not talking about dependence.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: We're talking about adult relationships here, So you can't unless
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: your child is an adult themselves, then yes, but we're
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: with a child cannot be an energy vampire. That's that's different.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: So we're talking about adult y and we're also talking
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: about energy vampires where it is intentional and also where
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: it is unintentional. But all the advice that I give
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: you will apply regardless of the intent behind their actions,
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: and you will see why. So everything I tell you
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: can apply it no matter if the person is sweet,
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: doesn't realize they're doing it, or if they are Okay,
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: So it's going to be we're going to dive deep.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: I don't even think I'm going to have time for
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: a brain factor. So I'm going to do episode first,
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: and if I've got time for a brain fact, I'm
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: going to tag it on to the end. There's just
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: a lot that I want to get through. Yeah, I'm pumped.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: Little life updates. I'm just feeling I'm feeling kind of
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: like I'm getting another wave of creative excitement, if you
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: want to put it. I since I've been back from Europe,
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: I kind of went through a bit of like a
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: creative lull for a couple of weeks. And I was
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: feeling this before Europe, probably because I was putting all
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: my energy into the live show, I think, and in
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: you know, finishing the book. I had quite a few
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: projects going on to the extent where I was kind
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: of putting a bit of pressure on myself and I
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: stopped like really relishing and enjoying everything I was doing.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Was kind of like, I've got to tack these boxes.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: I've got to tick these boxes. Don't get me wrong,
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: the live show was one of the best nights of
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: my life, but like in the lead up to it,
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: there was just a lot going on, and I felt
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: like I was spreading myself quite thin. I was a
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: little bit scattered, And so what I've done is I've
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: intentionally slowed down. I've pushed out timelines on certain projects
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: that I've got in mind that I wanted to actually
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: do earlier and share with you earlier. But for the
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: sake of my creative health, if you want to put it,
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: I pushed the timeline, so I'll be sharing that later
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: on in a few months instead. And I'm feeling so good.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: I've slowed it down. I've really leant into slower things
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: inside work and outside of work. I am feeling really
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: energetically recharged, if you want to put it. So, I'm
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: cooking a lot more. I'm barely going on my social
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: media on the weekends, and that's a huge, huge, huge,
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: huge game changer for me. I'm like filling it up
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: with really battery charging social things like going to the
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: markets with my friends, having them over, and you know,
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: cooking a nice meal. I had Tyrone's Tyrone, We had
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: his whole family over on Saturday, and I made French
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: onion soup and we just relaxed. Those kinds of things
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: with people that we really love that really just warms
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: my soul. So that has then lent into me feeling
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: really pumped about things that are coming up for the podcast,
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: really pumped about these other ideas. So highly recommend it.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: And in about a month or so, I'm going to
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: be launching on the podcast and it will be free,
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: but roughly a month, maybe a month and a half.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: I'm just gonna look at some timelines. I'm gonna be
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: doing like a little bit of a twenty eight day
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: challenge project whatever you want to call it. If you
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: don't like the word challenge, you can call it whatever, adventure.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: But it's a twenty eight day thing that I'm going
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: to be doing, and I want you guys to join
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: me on the ride. I'll be doing a whole podcast
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: episode on it, and then we'll just be doing the
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: twenty eight days and at the end of the twenty
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: eight days, I'm going to do a wrap up episode.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: And this is kind of twenty eight days to find
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: like real balance, real inspiration within yourself, feeling really energetically
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: like good and happy. Okay, So I'm very excited for that,
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: and it will be free. Everyone can do it or
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: no one can do it, but I'm gonna be doing it.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: So yeah, good times, good times. That's my life update.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: I'm also gonna go to Annabe with my family this weekend.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: I'm really excited. So we get together every so often,
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: my family, my extended family, whoever can come. We just
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: choose a weekend and we go away. So we're going
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: away to my auntie and uncle's holiday home and there
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: it's just cooking, sitting in the jacuzzie, doing puzzles, board games.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: I want to do the thing in one of the
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: nights where everyone has to do a three to five
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: minute presentation on what it is that they do with
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: their lives, because there's certain people in my family, like
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: my cousin's wife, who I have no idea what she
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: does for a job. Love you so much, Frankie, don't
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: know what you fucking do for a job, and she's
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: kind of told me a thousand times, but you know,
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: there's people whose jobs just don't My cousin doesn't even
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: know what her wife does for a job. So Jaselle
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: and I are in the same boat. So her task
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: is to do a like a five minute slideshow on
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: what her job is. So we're going to do a
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: little presentation thing like that. We just do fun, random
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: little things like that. So that's going to be great
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: for the song. Anyway, let's get into this. I feel
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: like my family is the opposite of energy vampires, So
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: I'm very very grateful for that, I can say, but
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: I have dealt with energy vampires in my life many times,
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: so I can definitely speak from experience with the energy vampire. Okay,
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: let's get into the fucking episode. Let's dive in. The
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: first thing we're going to talk about is what is
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: an energy vampire? And I've got written here what is
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: an EV And now I keep looking at the abbreviation
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: as electric vehicle, but it's an energy vampire. What is
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: an energy vampire? So, in a nutshell, it is someone
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: who intentionally or unintentionally drains your energy. Okay, now let's
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: talk about what it feels like, little like clues as
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: to if this person is an energy vampire or not.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: If you're thinking there's someone in my life, it could
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: be them. So one of the things is after spending
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: time with them, you walk away feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: They managed to put you in a position where you
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: are out either emotionally or financially, like you're always paying
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: for them, or you're always the one who has to
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: spend time with them when no one else will. You're
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: always the one that has to give your undivided attention
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: when no one else will, so you're always out like
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: you're put out. They will isolate you at group events
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: and make it completely impossible for you to exit the
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: chat without having to cut it midway and walk away,
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: like they really are skilled at like sticking their claws
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: in you and not letting you walk away, and you
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: just cannot escape the conversation without feeling rude. They prey
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: on your niceness and they kind of see it as
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: a weakness and at times, in many times, it ends
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: up being a weakness, and they want you to emotionally
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: babysit them. They see you as their emotional babysitter. They
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: are a victim. So you feel bad or you feel
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: responsible for them or their emotions. They are not accountable
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: for their own shit, and they say that they're really struggling,
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: so then you feel even more responsible and you feel
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: bad for them, and you feel that you will be
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: responsible for the emotional repercussions if you walk away from
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: the friendship. So, for example, if they say that they
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: suffer from you know, they feel really down, they feel
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: really sad, they're depressed, and so you think, well, I
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: can't walk away now because it's going to make that worse.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: So then you are guilted into staying in this friendship.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: They never accept responsibility and are always in the right
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: in a disagreement or an argument, not necessarily with you.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: But when they tell you stories about dramas in their life,
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: they're never wrong, never, never, never, never, And when you
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: hear the stories, you can tell that it's there's a
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: bias in the story, and they're very much kind of
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: gearing it in their favor when they tell you. But
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: it's a constant theme, right, they're never wrong, never, They
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: always they're always involved in drama. So someone's always mad
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: at them, or someone's just abandoned them, or someone's done
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: something mean to them. It's just they are the common
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: denominator constantly. They have to one up you. So if
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: you're having a bad day, they've had a worse day.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: Oh you think that's bad, try this, try living in
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: this scenario. Oh you think you have a bad house mate,
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: what about my housework? You think your job's bad? Listen
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: to this. So they never actually validate a hard time
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: that you're going through because they just can't wait to
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: one up you on their pain or on their situation.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: You know. And they will also not always, but sometimes
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: they will. If something good has happened, they will have
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: a better story to take away from that good thing
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: that happened, or they will just gloss over that good thing,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: and then they'll delve straight back in. They always just
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: have to one up you. They don't want to really
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: delve into digging deep into your hard times and being
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: there for you, truly there for you without making it
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: about themselves, or they really struggle to celebrate your wins,
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: just independently off your wins. Okay, they will their problems
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: always going to be more important than yours. They will
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: even justify your problems as not being that bad, like,
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: at least your breakup was amicable with mine, it's whatever.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: They'll try and downplay even the hard as times that
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: you've gone through by comparing it to their current situation.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: They will take advantage of your generosity and constantly put
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: you in an uncomfortable position. I've had many beans right
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: into me saying I'm always stuck in this situation where
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: I have to pull out my wallet and pay for
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: this person. We're going to figure out how we're not
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: going to do that. They use guilt as currency. You know,
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: how could you do that to me? If you cared
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: for me, you'd come. If you care about the friendship,
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: you'll be there for me when whatever. I can't imagine
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: that you would think about not doing this for me
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: or I can't. You know, they really will guilt trip
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: you into being their emotional babysitter, into physically having to
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: be there for them, even when you don't want to
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: be there. You know, for example, like say you hate
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: clubbing and they really want to go clubbing because they've
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: got a crush on the guy that's there. They will
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: make you feel so guilty for not coming with them
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: when they don't give a fuck about you. They just
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: don't want to rock up to the club by themselves,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: so they need you to be there for their own benefits. Okay,
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: it's in need you that I don't really care about
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: your company. I don't care that you hate being there,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: So I'm now gonna guilt trip you, you know, like
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: you know, I'm such a good friend with such good friends,
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: and you're not gonna do this for me that kind
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: of shit. Okay, They're gonna feel let down by you.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: They're gonna ask you, oh, were you trying to ignore me?
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: Are you ignoring me? They they see you pulling away
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: and they'll go full offense and they'll be like, you're
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: ignoring me? What have I done wrong? What this is?
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: So then you backpedal and you're like, no, no, nothing, You
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: even't done anything wrong because you don't want drama. Okay.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: So you find it really difficult to pull away because
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: they're going to make you feel really fucking guilty okay.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: Or they're going to say things like I'd love to
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: join you, but I just can't afford it, you know that,
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: like I'm in a really bad financial position, and then
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: of course you end up paying for them shit like that.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: They criticize you or they put you down to keep
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: you where they have control over you. Okay. So they'll
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: make comments about your outfit. They'll be like, oh, I
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: mean it's you're so confident to be able to wear that,
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: like backhanded compliments all the time. They're only a good
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: friend if it serves them. So a comment that I've
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: had come up and in the question boxes is they
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: are nice to me, but then and then they proceed
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: to tell me all the horrible things that they do.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: So I'm like, what do you mean by they are
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: nice to me? And what I gather and what I've
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: kind of looked into is that they will be nice
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: to you when it serves them when they need you
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: for something, when they want you to come to an
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: event when they, you know, notice you pulling away, then
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: they will be nice. They will be quote unquote generous
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: or caring. And then the moment it swings back in
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: their favor, all that goes out the window. So you
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: start to realize this is not a constant, this is
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: not their character. It's a manipulation tactic that they're using. Okay,
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: they do not display selfless behavior in order to help you.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: So if they're helping you, it's for another agenda. It's
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: because they're going to need something from you tomorrow. It's
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: not because they're just a good friend and they're there
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: for you when you need them. They will have a
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: target or a couple of targets, and they know who
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: they can target and they will milk that person. Now,
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: they may or may not be aware of this behavior.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: So some people do it, and why do they do it?
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: I've got a question saying why do people do it?
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: It comes from an insecurity Ultimately, it comes from fear
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: from insecurity. Every single person deals with fees and insecurities
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: in different ways, and this is one of the ways
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: that it can manifest. They don't feel that they can
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: provide these things for themselves, so they're desperately trying to
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: control other people around them to provide those feelings of
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: validation security externally. Okay, and we all know that the
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: less you have control over your own life, the more
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: you're going to control other people around you. So these
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: people have very little control over where their life is
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: headed the circumstances. They're always a victim. So when you're
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: always the victim, you're rarely going to feel like you're
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: in control, so you're more likely to try and control
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: those around you. You see it all the time. Someone
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: who is completely in control of themselves and completely in
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: control of their lives will never try and control people
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: around them. They are too satisfied with their life. They
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: understand that they can't actually control other people around them,
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: so they don't even bother Okay, they just mind their
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: own fucking business. That's someone who is in control of
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: their life. So even in those really dominating people in
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: controlling relationships, they're not in control. So that's why they're
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: trying to control you. So that's a really good way
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: of picking out why this is happening. Why not they don't
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: they're not happy, They're not happy with their life. They're
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: not happy with themselves, so they're trying to manipulate the
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: things around them in order to feel more satisfied. Now,
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: like I said, they may or may not be aware
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: that they're being an energy vampire, but one thing is
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: consistent that they are putting their needs above you and
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: above your relationship on a consistent basis. It is consistent. Okay,
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: So someone may not label themselves as an energy vampire,
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: but they do know that they like, For example, they
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: know that you're an easy target, You're a weak target.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: But this person who's got really fucking strict boundaries, I'm
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: not going to bother with them. So to an extent,
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: they know what they're doing. They just might not label
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: themselves as an energy vampire. Who who on what planet
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: is someone walking around saying I'm an energy vampire? Oh lol?
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: No one's acknowledging it. Well, maybe some people, but I
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: would imagine that in general, there are not many people
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: that are going to openly acknowledge and admit that they
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: are an energy vampire. But it all comes down from this.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: It all comes down to this feeling of like I
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: am the victim here and I'm going to need people
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: to this I'm going to need people to do that.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: Energy vampires they know enough because they're able to identify
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: who's an easy target and who isn't. They're not stupid people,
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: are you know? It's not they do they they it's
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: a numbers game. They cast the net and the easy
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: targets they then gravitate to. Now, it did have some questions,
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: so that that's kind of roughly an energy vampire. You
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: might they might tick all of the boxes. They might
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: just tick a thing of them. Some energy vampires never
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: ask for money and it's all emotional. Some do both, etc.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: Now I'm going to there are some questions here, and
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: then I'm going to go into everything that you can
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: be doing. So I'm kind of seming on a skim
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: over the answers of the questions, but you're going to
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: get the answers throughout the episode. So one of them
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: is how to manage the dread when you know you're
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: about to see them. The reason you're feeling dread when
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: you're about to deal with an energy vampire is because
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: you know that you don't know how to control the
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: situation or what to do. You feel powerless, and therefore
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: you're dreading it. Because you know that it's going to
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: be a terrible encounter and you're not going to be
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: able to pull yourself away. The moment you know how
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: to control an energy vampire, you're not going to worry
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: about these people in your life. It won't affect you
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: ever again. You can have multiple energy vampires in your
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: life that you know of, but you're no longer going
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: to be their target because you've learned how to deal
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: with them. So when I go through these steps on
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: how to deal with it, you're you could see them
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: often and it won't even affect you anymore. The reason
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: you dread it is because you know what you're about
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: to walk into. You're about to be emotionally manipulated, You're
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: about to be drained, You're about to walk out feeling
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: like shit. Basically, another question is how to kindly help
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: energy vampires who are not aware of what they're doing.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: This is something that I want people to realize it
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: when you because this whole episode is teach you, teach
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: people how to treat you. I have a whole episode
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: called you Teach people how to treat You. This is
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: going to be another one of that vibe. But basically
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: you should never have to be mean. A lot of
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: people are like, yeah, but how do you do it nicely?
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: There's no nice and not nice. We're talking about protecting
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: our own energy, okay, We're talking about protecting when you
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: deal with somebody who is draining your energy, bringing negative energy,
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: treating you badly, all of the above, you're not. Your
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: intention is not to punish them. Your intention is to
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: protect your space. Okay. So none of this of what
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: I say has to do with the energy of Empire directly.
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: It's about how do I protect my space? How do
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: I set a boundary with the people that don't want
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: crossing it are not going to cross the boundary. It's
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: not about how to go in. How do I get
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: into that person's boundary and punish them for making me
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: feel like shit. It's got nothing to do with them.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: So whether they do it intentionally or whether they don't
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: do it intentionally, it shouldn't change your approach. You shouldn't
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: be nicety to some people and nice to something. It's
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: always going to be nice. Everything that I'm going to
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: tell you is nice. You're nice to yourself, okay, And
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: you're going to be setting boundaries politely but clearly. I'll
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: show you how to do that, and then this person
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: can choose if they want to stay in your life
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: respecting those boundaries, or continue doing what they're doing. But
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: because you've got very solid boundaries in place, they're not
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: going to be able to behave the way they're going
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: to behave. And like I said earlier, they choose their targets.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: They're not going to choose someone who's you know, got
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: a really strong sense of what they're willing to put
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: up with and what they won't they you know, they
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: they just know how to deal with these people. They're
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: not you know, they don't pick the difficult targets. They
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: pick the people that they can get to feel guilty,
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: that they can manipulate, that they can get them to
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: give them their undivided attention, that they can you know,
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: always drain them and spend hours talking about themselves or
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: draining them for money or all that shit. Okay, So
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: the moment you start to change and teach people how
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: to treat you, those people melt away. Okay, they just
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: melt away like fucking fat off a pan. Another question,
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: One more question, and then are going to go into
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: all the points what to do if you keep attracting
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: these people. Okay. The reason you're attracting energy vampire isn't
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: because you've got this sign on your head saying please
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: go to it. It's because you give them airtime, you
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: give them attention, you fall for the bait. Okay, and
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: that's not a bad things. That often happens when someone's
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: quite empathetic, or when someone hasn't learnt the tools to
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: deal with these people, and even though they know they
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: hate it, they can't stop themselves from being sympathetic or empathetic.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: And so the moment an energy vampire seize you, they're like, oh,
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: I'm latching onto you. And like I said earlier, it's
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: a numbers game. So it's not that they're just magnetized
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: to you. But when someone does come across to you,
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: they're gonna stick. When someone comes across to someone who's
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: not gonna put up with that shit, they're gonna run
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: from hill, They're not gonna bother, they're not gonna invest
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: their time at all with those people. Okay, So the
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: reason you're attracting these people is purely because you just
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: not learn how to deal with it in the first place.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: The moment you learn how to nip it in the bardy.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: You're going to stop attracting these people. You're not even
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: gonna notice them. That's the beauty of it. Now, before
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: I go into my points on what you can do,
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: we're going to talk about how it affects you. So
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: that way you realize why it is so important that
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: you need to do something about it. So it affects
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: your mood for starters, because it leaves you feeling frustrated.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: It leaves you feeling like you've abandoned yourself, like you
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: allowed someone to cross these boundaries where you feel really uncomfortable,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: where you feel used, You feel upset with yourself, you
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: feel anxious because the situation never goes in a way
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: that makes you feel fulfilled or good or happy. It
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: makes you avoidant or stressed about having to deal with them.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: So then you feel this negative anticipation every time that
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: person is going to be at an event. Like that
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: question someone said, how to manage the dread? I get
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: it like it's you literally dread it. So then it
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: affects not just your experience when you're at the event
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: or spending time with this person, but the time leading
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: up to it, where you're starting to feel all this,
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: like these anxious thoughts because of that, because of your
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: inability to deal with them, or you're you're because you
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: don't know how to deal with it. You then begin
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: to like confidence around that person, and that can bleed
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: into confidence around other people as well. You feel like
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: you don't have control over your circumstances, and then this
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: then leads to feeling unsure about yourself. It affects your
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: self esteem, It affects your relationship with yourself, which can
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: then make you again more vulnerable to more energy vampires.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: When your relationship with yourself is a little bit unsteady,
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: where you're really trying to make sure that you're pleasing everyone,
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: then you're an easy fucking target. You're a prime candidate
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: when your aim is for everyone to like you and
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: not saying it in a way of like I've got
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: everyone to I need to have everyone to love me.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: But it's where I'm where I don't want to disappoint anyone,
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: where I want to please someone, Where I'm a people pleaser,
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: where my value comes from everyone liking me or the
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: encounter that they just had with me, then you're going
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: to be an easy, easy, easy, easy target for an
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: energy vampire because they say that as a vulnerability. Wanting
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: someone to like you is a vulnerability because then you
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: let people true you whatever way they see fits, because
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: you think that that's going to increase the likelihood of
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: them liking you or enjoying your company. So no more
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: of that. It's never again, never agun. So we're gonna
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: remember you have to teach people how to treat you.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: Number one, I've got I think twelve points. Number one boundaries.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: You have to learn to set your own boundaries. So
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: I do have a whole episode on boundaries. I could
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: do ten episodes on boundaries. But the number one thing
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: you want to think about boundaries is a boundary is
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: set to protect your own space. Okay, it has nothing
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: to do with controlling someone else's behavior. If I say
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: to someone you need to stop talking to that person,
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: or you need to stop behaving in that way, it's
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: not about stopping anything. That person is going to live
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: the life they're going to live, and I'm going to
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: live the life I'm going to live. But I have
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: my house with my little fence around it, and you've
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: got your house with your little fence around it. Okay,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: now it's up to me to decide who's going to
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: come into that boundary, that fence and who isn't. So
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: then I say, okay, so all my friends, all the
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: people that treat me well, all the people that respect
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: me are allowed to enter. Okay, But if you start
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: treating me like shit, I'm gonna close off that gate.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: You're not gonna enter. Notice how it's not controlling their behavior.
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: I'm saying you either enter my space or you don't.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: It's got nothing to do with what you do in
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: your garden, in your boundary, on your property, nothing. So
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: it's never boundary setting is never about controlling someone's behavior.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: And if you're in a relationship with someone's trying to
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: control you, under the guise that it's a boundary, that's
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: how you can determine is it controlling or is it
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: a boundary? And it always comes down with are you
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: directly impacting me with that behavior? And can I do
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: something about it? Because if I can't do anything about it,
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: it's probably not a boundary. If I can do something
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: about it, then I can set a boundary in place.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: The next thing you have to realize about a boundary
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: is that you have to know what that thing is
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: that you're gonna do. What is the consequence of that
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: boundary being crossed. If you don't have a consequence that
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: you're willing to follow through with with that boundary being crossed,
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: it is not a boundary. It's a wish, it's wishful thinking,
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: it's a desire, it's a polite request. But if you're
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: not willing to follow through with the consequence, it's not
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: a boundary. Okay, it isn't it if you've got If
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: I've got an imaginary fence, but then there's no you
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: know that says oh, no trespassing. Let's say I've got
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: a fence in my yard. It says no trespassing, and
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: then the person trespasses, and I'm like, oh, high doll,
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: high doll, what are they gonna do. They're gonna get
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: fucking trespassing into my property. Okay, But if I have
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: a thing that says no trespassing and then they come
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: in and they get fucking electrocuted, and I'm not saying,
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: go on electrocute people, but what's gonna happen. They're not
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: gonna do it again. So my advice to you is,
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: know what the consequence is one of the best consequences
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: is obviously to remove yourself from the situation. So that
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: comes down to any kind of treatment. If I say,
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: let's say you've got a partner that yells at you.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: Let's say you've got an energy vampire that always puts
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: you down all the time, you can decide to say,
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: and you can voice it to them or not. But
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: you can decide to say, next time someone puts me down,
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: I'm either going to I've got a choice of consequences,
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: So I am going to say, I don't want you
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: speaking to me like that again. It makes me feel
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: like this isn't a two way straight friendship, makes me
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: feel like you have a negative agenda, and that to
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: me isn't a friendship. So don't do that. And if
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: you do it again, I'm not gonna want to spend
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: time with you. Now. Some people don't want to talk.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: Some people don't want to say that kind of stuff.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: They're like, no, I don't have I don't feel comfortable
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: doing that. So then what you could say is after
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: the fact, say look, yeah, it was good to see
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: you tonight. However, I noticed that a lot of the
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: night you'll put and you do it via message you
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: put me down. I don't appreciate that. So in future,
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: and sometimes people get so offended they're not going to
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: want to hang out with you again. When tick the
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: trash has taken itself back. If they do want to
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: hang out again, they're going I think twice about how
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: they're going to treat you. But what I'm saying here
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: is there has to be a consequence that you're willing
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: to follow through with. If you're saying, well, I can't
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: say anything, I can't say anything, I feel uncomfortable, I
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: can't do it, then you have to then look at, Okay,
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: what's an even bigger boundary that I can put into
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: place so this doesn't happen. And that is basically when
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: they invite you out, you don't go okay. So you
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: have to work within what you're willing to do and
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: what you're not willing to do. And if you're someone
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: that saying, well, Alexis, I'm not willing to do anything, well,
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: then unfortunately you cannot put a boundary and your boundary
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: is going to keep getting crossed. It's not easy, but
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: the results are amazing. So you've got the option of
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: not setting a boundary because it makes you feel uncomfortable
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: in the moment, and then having the discomfort of dealing
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: with fucking vampires who drain your energy all the time.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: Option A. Option B deal with the discomfort of standing
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: up for yourself which you deserve, mind you, which is
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: the bare minimum that you should be providing for yourself,
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: and then the comfort of only socializing with people that
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: actually make you feel good about yourself, where it's a
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: reciprocal friendship. Choose your discomfort. But when it comes to boundaries,
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: if you're not willing to put in the work, and
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: if you're not willing to decide what the consequence is,
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: and if you're not willing to actually enforce that consequence,
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: then it's going to keep happening to you. There's just
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: no two ways about it. And no one can set
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: the boundary but you nobody. Okay. Number two, You have
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: to learn and get clear on what your own social
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: battery and your own capacity is. It doesn't matter if
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: your capacity is less than your friends, that's your capacity,
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: you know. Don't compare it. Don't be like, oh well
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: everyone else can put up with more. So like no, no, no, no,
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: no no no. So if you're someone so if you've
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: got a friend that always drains your energy, and you think, oh,
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: every time I hang out with this person. Every time
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: I hang out with this person, it ends up being
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: like this eight hour event or whatever. You need to think, Okay,
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: how can I still hang out with this person because
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: I want to? Obviously you should never hang out with
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: someone you don't want to, or their family, whatever. How
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: can I put parameters in place to protect myself? And
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: if you're someone that doesn't have the confidence to say
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: I'm going to live now whatever, then you need to
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: create these external reasons as to why you're not going
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: to spend more time with this person. So you could say,
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: for example, I'm going to be here, and you tell
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: them ahead of time, I'm going to be here for
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: two hours. But after this, I actually have somewhere where
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: I have to be and I you know, and you
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: make it in a way where you can't take them
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: with you. You just have to be aware of if I
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: don't always drain my battery down to you know, the core,
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: then I'm actually going to feel a lot more energized
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: and a lot more empowered. And if I do decide
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: that I still want this person in my life, I'm
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: going to feel a lot better about controlling them when
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: I realize what my social battery is. Okay, if spending
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: six hours with somebody just makes me feel like shit,
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: I'm never going to do that again. Okay, I need
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: to limit the time small doses. Or I'm only going
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: to hang out with this person when there's another person
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: and there so we can share the load. Okay, so
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: there's many and this is a family member, for example,
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: I've got many people write, Oh, but my mum, she's
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: so okay, I'm only going to go over when I'm
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: there also with my dad, or with my sibling, or
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: with an aunt or uncle. You know, they're just so
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: draining that this is the case. Or I'm going to
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: make sure that when we socialize, at least for the
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: foreseeable future, I'm going over to there so then I
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: can remove myself. I'm not going to invite them over
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: at least for the next few months, so that way,
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: when I wanted to leave, they're just not leaving, you know,
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: So how do I How do I manage it? So
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: I've got more control of the situation. Where are we
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: meeting up, who else is going to be there? What
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: other thing do I have scheduled after so I can.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: I need to start protecting myself. And the more you
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: do it, then you're going to get to a point
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: where you're super super comfortable and confidence where you can say,
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: all right, I'm out, I'm done social matters drains, say
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: yeah bye and leave. Okay, that's also fine, I mean
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: not in the middle of dinner. Ideally, we don't want
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: to be rude. But you get my drift number three.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: You do not always have to cut this person out.
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: Like I said, there's many things you can do to
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: keep them in your life. You just need to edit
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: the dynamic until it works for you, because at the moment,
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: it's working for them and it's not working for you.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: A friendship is a dynamic where it works for both people.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: An energy vampire situation is actually not as good a
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: friendship as you think it is. It's a one way
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: straight and if they're always draining, draining, draining, draining, and
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: you're like, what am I getting out of this in return?
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: Like them being nice? Only when I pull away, it's
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: not really a friendship. So it's up to you to
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: either walk away completely or to say I want to
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: give this person a chance in being a real friend.
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: Maybe this is their default. Maybe they've always been this
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: way and they don't realize. So I'm going to give
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: them a shot at a real friendship. But in order
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: to do that, I'm going to level the playing field,
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: and I'm also going to put some requests, some demands,
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: and some boundaries in place. If they stick around, it's
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: because they've either noticed their wrongs, it's because they value
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: me and they want to prioritize me or the relationship,
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: and they're willing to make a change, So it means
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: they are a friend. If they don't stick around after
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: I put these boundaries in place, or if they pull
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: away to just be an acquaintance, say it's like a
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: work colleague and they're always trying to be a friend,
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: and then you put these boundaries in place, and now
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: it's just a high buy, say your relationship. Then it
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: makes you realize that it was never a friendship to
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: start with. You've got to be very clear on what
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: you consider a friendship. I think the word friend weighs
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: heavily and not everyone should be getting that title just
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: because they're an acquaintance. Okay, so get clear on what
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: an actual friendship looks like. Because an energy vampire who
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: only will have the relationship with you if they're able
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: to drain your energy is not a friend. An energy
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: vampire who doesn't realize that they're doing it because it's
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: how they tread everyone, who then, given the opportunity to
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: change steps up is a friend. Okay. But it is
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: up to you to edit the dynamic into something that
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: works for you. They're not going to change, so you've
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: got to put the parameters in place, and you do
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: that by obviously. Well, this brings me to number four.
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: You have to acknowledge that this situation is some level
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: of mistreatment. You are being mistreated, you're being used, okay,
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: and them not realizing it is not an excuse for
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: things to have to change. Okay. Like I said, you're
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: not here to punish them. So just because they didn't
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: realize it, that still doesn't make it. Okay, Fine, they
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: don't realize, Okay, I'm still going to do something.
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: About it, just because their intentions or whatever, Fuck the intentions.
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: If I'm suffering, I need to do something about it. Okay.
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: You have to protect yourself, and if they get offended
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: or upset by you protecting yourself, then they've revealed themselves
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: as either being selfish.
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: Or not actually caring, or not really being the friend
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: that you thought they were, the relative you thought they were.
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: So if they're thinking, how dare you put yourself above me?
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: How dare you not allow me to trample all over
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: your mental health for the sake of my mental health?
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: How dare you not sacrifice your mental health for my
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: mental health? Then that says everything you need to know,
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: and then you can walk away because a lot of
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: people think I've got to stay here for the sake
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: of their mental health, but then their own mental health
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: starts to decline. You don't owe anyone their mental health. Okay,
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: as a friend, you owe it to them to be
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: there for them, to support them, to help them when
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: they're down, all of the above, but it is not
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: your responsibility to be, you know, the one that's going
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: to fix their mental health, or it's not your responsibility
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: to be their punching bag when things go wrong. I
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: think a lot of people blow that line and they
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: become a martyr, and they really make their own mental
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: health struggle or suffer because they feel that it's their
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: responsibility to do whatever it takes because someone's suffering Okay,
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: you shouldn't have to have multiple people be collateral because
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: one person has mental health problems. Okay, and I know
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: it sounds harsh, but that is the reality of it.
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: If I've got a mental health problem, it shouldn't mean
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: that now everyone around me also is going to suffer
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: in response to that. A good friendship is someone who
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: acknowledges that they want to be there for their friend
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: and help them. But if you're being trampled on constantly,
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: you are completely in your right to say, I need
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: to walk away from this because now it's affecting my
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: mental health as well, and now nobody's waiting. You're not
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: getting any better and I'm getting worse. Okay, So you've
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: got to get really clear and aware of that you
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: are being manipulated, mistraded, or all of the above. The
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: next thing you want to realize, number five is I
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: want you to have consistency across the board with all
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: your friendships. There shouldn't be so friends that are allowed
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: to treat you in a way where you're completely manipulated,
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: where it's one sided. Another friends where you hold them
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: to a standard. You know a friend is a friend,
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: especially if they're a close friend, So you have to
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: maintain that standard across the board. They either going to
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: treat you nicely or they're not gonna treat you nicely.
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: I want you to also realize that when you're trying
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: to put in boundaries, put boundaries in place, with these
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: energy vampires, you don't have to explain so much. Sometimes
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: we get tripped up trying to explain ourselves. It's just
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: that that we don't really know what we're saying, and
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: then they, you know, get it's easy for them to
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: get offended, or play the victim or whatever. Less is more,
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: Less is more in a lot of things in life.
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: I talk about it all the fucking time with especially
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: when you're dealing with people who are taking you for
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: a ride emotionally or financially or whatever. So what I
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: recommend you do with energy vampires is like, for example,
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: I had to listen to question last week I think
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: it was, and this person said, you know, like they're
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: always using me for money. And then one day they
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: had a voucher for dinner and I went to the dinner,
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: but then after they insisted that we go out to
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: a bar. They insisted, and then I went. But then
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: when we got there there was entry, and then they're like, oh,
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: I don't have any money, and then this person ended
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: up paying for the entry. So what would I do
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: in that situation? Firstly, if I was already aware that
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: this person is an energy vampire and every time I
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: hang out with them, I'm drained, I probably would not
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: accept the invitation to go to the dinner on a
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: voucher for starters, Okay. I would be like, this is
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: a slippery slope. What happens if we go over the voucher?
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: They're gonna ask me for money. I'm just and they're
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: gonna end. Also, what I wouldn't have done, given that
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: they're an energy vampire, is that they're going to try
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: and make it look like they're doing you a favor.
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: They've gone and won this fucking thing. They're not out
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: of pocket, but they're like, I took you out for dinner.
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: I you know. So I would be aware of what
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: it is that they're trying to do, and I'll be like,
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: I'm unavailable. Sorry. There's no fucking way in fun, in hell,
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: in hell that I would be spending a night out
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: of my time with somebody whose energy drains me intentionally,
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: fair enough, if I find myself caught in a situation,
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: that's a different story. But to be like, I'll take
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: a night off to go to this fucked encounter where
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna feel like shit, and then I've got to
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: go out late, and then this person's trying to peepressure
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: me into drinking, and then I've got to pay for
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: their entry, and then who ends up suffering me? I
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: get home and I'm angry. I'm down more money than
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: I wanted to be. I drank when I didn't want
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: to drink. I you know, so you have to protect
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: yourself in advance. You've got to look at past behavior
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: as a predictor of future behavior. Okay, And if they
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: want to change, then they've got to put the efford
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: into showing you that they're a different person. It's not
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: up to you to keep hanging out with them, hanging
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: out with them, hanging up and you're gonna change today
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: is today's gonna be different. It's not your responsibility. It's
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: their responsibility to change and then to show you that
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: they've changed through repeated action. And if they don't do it,
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: there's your answer. So stop putting yourself in a position
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: where you're going to be manipulated. Do not go out
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: on that one on one thing. And at the end
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: of that dinner, if they said I really want to
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: go really, I would have said, listen, love you so much,
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: and I know that you're trying to take me out
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: because I'm your friend. Whatever, that's what I think that
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: you're trying to do. But I've told you on trying
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: not to drink. I also have a curfew. I want
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: to get home early because I've got to be up
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: early for whatever reason. So I'm going home. Okay, Like,
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: you've got to stand up for yourself. You have to
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: put yourself first because at the end of the day,
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: what do you gain. This person then ended up going
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: out hating it and then hating themselves after or hating
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: the situation that they put themselves in after Protect yourself. Okay.
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: And we're at an age now. And when I say
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: we're at an age now, I'm saying if you're above
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: the age of eighteen, if you're an adult, then you
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: are at the age now where peer pressure is There's
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: no excuse, no excuse. I would never feel peer pressured
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: by my friends. I would feel like they want me
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: to be somewhere. They'll be like, come, we'd love you
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: to come, we'd love you to come. And if I
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: say no, no, no, I've made a promise to myself.
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to go, they'll be like, fair enough,
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: fair enough, we really would love you to be there.
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: But yeah, no, we get it, we get it. That's
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: there's one thing to be like, please come, please come,
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: because we want you there. And then there's I acknowledge
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: that you actually don't want to be here, or you've
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: there's a reason why you shouldn't be here. So we're
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: going to respect that. Someone who then tries to make
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: you feel guilty. Then you need to teach them how
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: to treat you. You need to say this is not
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: how a friend talks to me. I don't feel comfortable
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: with you peer pressuring me into going out. You never
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: said when we went out for dinner. You never said
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: that we're going to have to go out after So
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: you know, so you can just say those things you
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: have to show them. I can guarantee you it's hard.
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: Once they're not going to do it again. If you
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: stand up to an energy vampire once, they're going to
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: be mortified, mortified, and they're not gonna want to do
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: it again. But you've got to make it clear, and
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: you've got to be bold, and you've got to be unwavering.
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: And less is more. If you start getting tangled up
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: in your own excuses as to why so you can
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: like cushion the blow, then they're gonna be like, I've
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: still got control over this situation. Whether they realize it
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: consciously or subconsciously, it doesn't matter. They like, I still
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: have control because you're still pandering to my emotional needs.
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: Stop pandering. Rip the band aid and say no. But
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: if you want to have a coffee tomorrow morning, I'm here.
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: And then they'll be like, oh, I I want to
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: have a coffee tomorrow morning because I want you to
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: pay for my entry into the club. And there's your answer.
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: They're not a fucking friend, okay, So just be harsh,
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: a little bit harsher. And when I say harsh, I'm
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: not talking about mean. I'm talking about just being straight
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: up and down, cut and dry, no bullshit, no peripheral garbage. Okay,
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: less is more. Do not try and chant Number six
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: I think, do not try and change them. It's not
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: your job to change them. It's your job to say
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: this is where I would like the friendship to go
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: moving forward. This is where I would like our mother
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: daughter relationship to go moving forward. Do you want to
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: come with me or not? Because I'm not going to
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: keep doing this. So your options are to join me
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: on this and where I want it to go, or
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: to be like, I don't want that, and then you
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: can walk away from the friendship. But this as it
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: stands is not going to happen. What you're not going
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: to say is you need to change, you need to this.
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: No one wants to be changed. No one wants to
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: be manipulated. Even if someone needs to change, they want
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: to feel like it was their choice or their decision.
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: So you're not going to make it out to be
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: like I'm trying to change you. So what you do
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: instead is say this isn't working for me anymore, so
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: from now on, I'm going to be For example, if
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: let's say you've got like a mother daughter relationship where
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: you feel that every time you see them, they can
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: completely drain your energy. So you could say, look, every
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: time I come over, I feel like I'm completely drained.
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: My feelings are never validated. It's always talking about you,
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: it's always you know, and I want to be there
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: for you, but I feel like we're always talking about
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: the same things, We're never really getting to the bottom
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: of it. You're always in fights, you're always in arguments,
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: and you never want to acknowledge, you know, you're the
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: role that you might play in it. And then when
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: I talk about aspects of my life, it's never really
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: validated either do you feel like that is fair? And
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: then I always love spinning the question on someone do
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: you feel that this is fair? Because then it opens
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: it up in a fair way for them to either
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: defend themselves and you see what they have to say
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: they might be valid, or for them to be like, yeah,
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: I've never really looked at it that way. I've never
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: really thought about it that way. I've never really considered
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: it in that way. Okay, So it's never fun, it's
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: never pretty. One of the best ways I recommend to
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: to do it is actually over writing, because when you
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: confront some with you pulling up criticism about their behavior,
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: it's really hard for someone in the moment to have
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: that awareness and realization to turn it around in the
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: moment and apologize. So I also don't want to put
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: that expectation on somebody, even somebody who I know is
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: very emotionally mature. I think it's fair or generous to
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: write them message saying, hey, I really want to see you.
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: I really value as a friend. But lately I've been
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: feeling that this XYZ is what's been happening. I don't
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: feel like this friendship is ever reciprocated. And the only
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: times I've felt that you've reached out to me is
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: the times that I've pulled away, and then when I've
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: come back, and when we're closer, we revert back to
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: the same dynamic. Do you think that this is fair?
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: Do you have you noticed this? And then it gives
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: them time to and say, you don't have to reply
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: straight away. It really gives them time to really decide
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: what they want to do moving forward. And if it's
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: a family member who you literally are not cutting out
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: of your life, but they get all defensive or whatever,
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: and I'm sorry, but that is your invitation to make
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: a decision. You can decide, all right. I'm not willing
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: to change it. I still love them so much. I'm
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: willing to put myself in the firing line every time
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: I see them. And then nothing's going to change, and
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: that is it is what it is. You just acknowledge
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: that that's them, or you can be like, all right,
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: they're literally not going to change. I've given them the opportunity.
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: They now know how I feel. So what I'm going
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: to do is I'm going to limit my interactions with
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: this person. I will still have them in my life,
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: but I'll see them in small doses. Like I said,
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: I'll always bring someone with me. I'll always go and
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: see them. I'm not going to be inviting them for
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: like a nine hour event in my home. I'm going
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: to be controlling what I can control, what I can control,
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: not them as a person when I see them. So
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: that way, I don't feel so drained every time. So
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: it's it's a decision, and then you feel more in control,
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: even though you know you can't change them. You're more
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: in control because at least they sem me no where
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: you stand. In all of this, there are going to
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: be times where you will need to cut the dead weight.
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: There are going to be times where you need to
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: cut certain people out of your life, people that are
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: massive drainers of energy. This is what I've done in
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: my life. There's been friends who are or friends of
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: friends who are such energy drainers to the extent that
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: when I've gone to socialize in a group, they have
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: isolated me from that group speaking to me, and when
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: I go to stand up, they've grabbed onto my arms,
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: dug their nails into my arms, and sat me back down.
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: But no, like borderline aggressive to get me to stay
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: like this is full control. So with those people like that,
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: where it's that intense and I feel like there's no
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: awareness of their behavior in my past, what I've done
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: to deal with those people is I don't give them energy.
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: I don't give them time. Doown like that is so
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: fucking draining. It was so selfish that you didn't let
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: me talk to absolutely anybody. I turned my head to
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: respond to someone and you literally you're like forcing me back.
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna be treaded like that ever again. I
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: don't even have to say I'm not gonna be treaded
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: like that ever again. Next time I walk into a room,
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna say hey, and then nice to see you,
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: and then I turn around. I don't ask the questions,
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: I don't engage, I don't I'm not putting myself in
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: that position ever again with that person. And if that
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: person wants to have a healthy relationship with me again,
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: they can try and have a normal conversation in a group.
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: But if you're gonna isolate me again, that's never gonna
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: happen again. Now, another thing that you can do is
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: I was so For example, another situation was that there's
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: a group of people that I sometimes hang out with,
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: and it's like Tyrone's friends, and one of these people
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: in the group would always isolate me and just talk
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: to me, and I would, but to the extent where
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: I couldn't get a word in, I couldn't leave, I
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: couldn't get up for to go to the toilet. Right,
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: So I thought, Okay, I'm gonna have to do something
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: about this. The reason I'm not doing something about this
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: is because it's a friend of a friend, and I
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: didn't want to offend and we don't even have a friendship.
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: It's just that every time I am there, I get
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: isolated in the corner with this person. So then I
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: said to Tyrone. I said, Tyrone, I got a favor
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: to ask you. Next time we're there, if you see
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: me isolated with this person, do you mind coming in
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: and interrupting, And if you don't come in and interrupt me,
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: that's also perfectly fine. But what I will do is
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: I'm going to stand up and I'm gonna leave. I'm
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: gonna go home. I'm going to leave the event, okay,
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: because I don't The reason I'm asking you to intervene
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: is so it doesn't make it awkward because it is
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: your group of friends. However, if you don't do that,
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: I will get up and I'm going to go home.
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: And all I ask for you is don't ask me
• 48:32
  Speaker 1: why I'm going home, because I'll be honest and i'll
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: say it. So I'm gonna go home, and you're gonna
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: be like, Okay, bye, and I'm just going to leave
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: this person high and dry. But I am not coming
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: to this event. If I'm going to be in the
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: corner for the next five hours, you either help me
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: out or I remove myself from the situation. And then,
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: of course, the next time we're at the event, Tyrone
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: came in and helped me out and remove it from
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: the situation. But that's what I mean about putting parameters
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: into place so you don't get stuck with So this
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: is like an energy vampire who I'm not even close
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: friends with. But it got to the point where I said,
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: I really don't want to go to this event because
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: I know what's going to happen. I'm gonna get stuck
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: with this person in the corner. Okay. So you can
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: always pull in your resources to protect yourself, which is
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: what I've done in the past, or you can just
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: blatantly be like, I'm not even going to start a
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: conversation with this person one on one. And if someone
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: owes you money and they keep inviting you out, just
• 49:26
  Speaker 1: reply saying hey, I noticed that you still haven't paid
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: me back for that thing. Don't answer the invitation, just
• 49:32
  Speaker 1: say hey I noticed this, and then their only option
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: is to pay you back or to leave you alone. Okay,
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: so things like that. Now, I've just got a couple
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: of little questions that people did ask that I wanted
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: to address independently. One person says, how to end a
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: phone call that I cannot get like, I can't get
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: out of the phone call. So one thing that you're
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: not going to do, because you've obviously tried this, is
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: you're not going to wait for a lull in the
• 49:57
  Speaker 1: conversation where it naturally comes to an end that obviously
• 49:59
  Speaker 1: doesn't happen. And with these people, it's so hard. And again,
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: a lot of the time they don't realize that they're
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: doing it, so it's we're not trying to be mean.
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: What I would do is say, anyway, my time is up.
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: I don't give it an excuse. I don't give a reason.
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: I have to be like, anyway, my time's up. I'm
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: gonna have to cut this conversation short. So good to
• 50:18
  Speaker 1: talk to you, so good to talk to you, so goodbye, anyway, bye,
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: and then I hang up. I do to them what
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: they do to me. If they're just a stream of
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: consciousness of I'm gonna do the same. Okay, I'm friendly,
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: I'm concise. I don't give an excuse. I just say, anyway,
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: my time is up. It's got nothing to do with you.
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: It's not I have to go and do this thing.
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying. They could perceive it as I've got
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: somewhere to go, or they could perceive it as literally,
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: my time for this conversation is up. I'm done. Okay,
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: But I don't say it in such a rude way.
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: But I'd say, anyway, my time is up. I have
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: to cut this conversation short for the sake of my
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: mental health, but leave out that last a little bit,
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: and then you're like, so good to talk to you,
• 50:59
  Speaker 1: Bye bye bye bye bye God so good, so good
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: hang up. Ideally, they're also gonna, you know, lean in
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: and be like anyway, oh sorry, okay, bye. But if
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: you say I've got to go, I've got to go,
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: they're like, oh okay, okay, but also just remember that,
• 51:13
  Speaker 1: and then they delve into another thing. And then if
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: you say okay, like this I've got to go often
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: doesn't work, so you've got to be concise, I've got
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: to go, my time's up, or like my time is up,
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to cut this conversation short. Then they're like,
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: oh okay, and that's when you go in with it
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: was so good to talk to you, and then they
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: they're not gonna keep talking after that. That's when you
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: cut it short. Someone else wrote what to Do when
• 51:35
  Speaker 1: quote unquote friends tend to thrive on your unhappiness and
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: seem to show up to support you, But all they're
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: doing is relishing in your pain and misfortune. When I'm
• 51:45
  Speaker 1: doing well and in my happy place, they're nowhere to
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: be found, thank god. But when they are, but I
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: feel that they are energy vampires when the shit hits
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: the fan. Simple, I just do not share my misfortunes
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: with people who would do that. I share my misformtunes
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: and my hard times with people I know are there
• 52:02
  Speaker 1: for me. And if someone's like, but you never told
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: me about that, but I didn't know, too bad, so
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: sad hunt Like if you know, people will invite themselves
• 52:13
  Speaker 1: into your life and also be uninvited into their life.
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: If someone was relishing in my misfortune, that is the
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: last time I share it with them. I've got my
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: select people that I can really share my pain with
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: and I stick to that. And also, for your sake,
• 52:29
  Speaker 1: it actually is to your benefit to be very selective
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: with who you share your pain with, because you also
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: want to feel like it's your safe space. It's your
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: comfortable safe space. You don't owe it to anyone to
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: tell someone that you're going through a tough time. Just
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: because you've told this best friend, you don't have to
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: tell that other friend. Okay. It is your pain, it
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: is your misfortune. You can share it with whoever you
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: want or who you don't want, Okay, so I would
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: absolutely just not share. And these are not like I
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: know you said in inverted commas, but if they're not friends,
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to be sharing misfortunes with them anyway.
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: Someone said, what if you are the energy vampire? Unintentionally
• 53:06
  Speaker 1: or unknowingly, how do you know? And what can you do? Okay,
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: how would you know if you're an energy vampire? This
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: is a great question, by the way, is ask yourself
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: what interactions am I having with people? Like? Do I
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: Am I always talking about my pain? Am I always
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: talking about my misfortune? Do I ever celebrate my friend's
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: wins without making it about me? How many times have
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: I had a conversation or an encounter where I've not
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: brought shit about myself into it at all? Am I? Literally?
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: Can I anticipate my friend's needs? Do I use emotional
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: guilt when they say no to me? Like if I've
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: invited them somewhere and they say, oh no, I can't
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: do I then try and emotionally manipulate them into doing
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: something for me. All these things are going to help
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: you realize if you are the energy vampire or if
• 53:54
  Speaker 1: you're not. Everything that I spoke about, try and flip
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: it and say could this be me? And it's not
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: pretty finding out if you are that, but it's very
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: good to know. The sooner the better because then you
• 54:04
  Speaker 1: can start making changes, and if you're very self aware,
• 54:07
  Speaker 1: then you can actually reach out to your friends being like, hey,
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: I'm trying something different. I feel like I've been a
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: little bit draining and I want to apologize for that.
• 54:14
  Speaker 1: I really value your friendship, and I want to really
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: start to prioritize you know you in this friendship as well.
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: That will That's amazing. Okay. Two more questions. Someone asked,
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: is it okay to cut off the friendship after giving
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: giving an explanation something like this. I've enjoyed our friendship
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: up to this point, but I feel it has run
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: its course. I should have been honest with you about
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: how I have been feeling. I no longer want to
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: participate in gossip about other people. It was shit talking
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: more accurately. I wish you the best. I know she
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: was probably blindsided and very hurt. Probably shit talking about
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: me now, and I regret sharing so much about myself
• 54:49
  Speaker 1: with her. Was that too abrupt? I thankfully haven't run
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: into her, but I dread the day Okay, I think
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: you can. I mean, you're entitled to end any relationship
• 54:56
  Speaker 1: at any point. It's your decision on who you want
• 54:59
  Speaker 1: to hang out with or who you don't. But my
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: question is, is this a conversation that you had in
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: the past. You know, because if I, let's say I
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: was bitching with I was engaging in gossip with someone,
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: and then I felt bad for engaging in gossip. I
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: can't turn around and say I can't be your friend
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: anymore because you gossip because I was fucking gossiping too.
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: That would make me a hypocrite. What I could do
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: is say, hey, I noticed that when we get together
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: we engage in a lot of shit talking about people.
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: I'm really trying to change that about myself. I don't
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: like that about my character. I want to change that.
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: Would you agree with that, because I don't want to
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: do that anymore. But if there's many reasons where you
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: feel like the friendship has completely run its course, of
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: course you're still entitled to leave. But what I wonder
• 55:43
  Speaker 1: is is this something that maybe could have been a
• 55:45
  Speaker 1: conversation to steer the friendship in a better direction, or
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: where there just too many factors that made it feel
• 55:50
  Speaker 1: like you absolutely could not, because if she's blind sided
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: and very hurt, she's probably taken by surprise because she
• 55:57
  Speaker 1: thought that given that you were also engaging in this
• 55:59
  Speaker 1: shit talking, but she probably thought that that's where you
• 56:02
  Speaker 1: wanted the conversation to go as well. It's very easy
• 56:05
  Speaker 1: when you're caught up in gossip to think that the
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: other person is equally as invested in that gossip as yourself,
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: and sometimes it just takes someone pulling you up on it,
• 56:13
  Speaker 1: being like, hey, look, I don't want to talk about this.
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: I don't want to miss you talking about people that
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: I like. You know, I've done it in the past,
• 56:18
  Speaker 1: but I don't want to do it anymore, you know.
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: So if you've never done that, then of course she's
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: going to be blindsided. Now should you crawl back to
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: her if you don't want a friendship? No, but you
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: also have to understand that her reaction is probably extremely
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: valid if there was no prior conversation. One more question,
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: someone said, this is a very interesting one I've wanted
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: for a really long time. I have some friends that
• 56:43
  Speaker 1: were in toxic relationships. When they left these toxic relationships
• 56:46
  Speaker 1: or found a better partner, they physically got bigger. My
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: family calls this happy weight. How does an energy vampire
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: have this kind of effect on their partner? Do they
• 56:55
  Speaker 1: just stress their partner out so much that they lose
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: energy and their body starts eating itself back. Basically, what's
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: the physical correlation between the two. How do you know
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: if you're dealing with an energy vampire? And how do
• 57:05
  Speaker 1: you get away from one? Asking for myself, I'm ready
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: to gain my happy weight. Okay, it's actually very different
• 57:10
  Speaker 1: to that. So what happens is everyone deals with stress differently.
• 57:14
  Speaker 1: When you're in an unhealthy relationship, you are stressed. Some
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: people deal with stress by eating more. Some people deal
• 57:20
  Speaker 1: with stress by not eating enough. So when you're not
• 57:25
  Speaker 1: eating enough, of course you're going to be you know,
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: losing a lot of weight. You're not going to be
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: eating healthy foods. You're not going to be you know,
• 57:32
  Speaker 1: enjoying certain foods as much. And then when you exit
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: that relationship, and if your stress response is to not eat,
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: then you're no longer going through that stress response, So
• 57:45
  Speaker 1: you're going to be eating more. You're probably going to
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: be enjoying your new partner's company more. You're probably going
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: to be doing more fun things, and that's this happy weight.
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: Your body's not eating itself because you're in the presence
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: of a vampire. You are in a calorie deficit because
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: your stress response is to not eat as much. But
• 58:01
  Speaker 1: the opposite is also true. So for me, I noticed
• 58:06
  Speaker 1: that every time I would exit a relationship with someone unhealthy,
• 58:11
  Speaker 1: I would return back to a leaner version of myself,
• 58:14
  Speaker 1: a fitter version of myself because I wasn't eating to
• 58:18
  Speaker 1: distract myself and I've never been like necessarily overweight, but
• 58:21
  Speaker 1: it'd be like a four or five kilo fluctuation in
• 58:25
  Speaker 1: both my really unhealthy relationships that I noticed that when
• 58:28
  Speaker 1: their relationship ended and I started feeling better, I then
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: reverted back to my weight prior to that, which was less. Okay,
• 58:35
  Speaker 1: So I think it all comes down with how do
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: you respond to stress when you're in the stressful environment.
• 58:40
  Speaker 1: If you eat less than when you remove yourself from
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: the stressful environment, you're going to gain a few kilos
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: because you're a lot happier, a lot more content. And
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: then the opposite is true also if you're eating more,
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: if you're binging, if your stress response is to do that,
• 58:53
  Speaker 1: then when you leave that relationship. You've got to revert
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: back to lighter, a lower weight. Okay, that's you would
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: do it, but it's not necessarily. It all comes down
• 59:02
  Speaker 1: to what is your stress response, and when that stress
• 59:04
  Speaker 1: is removed, you're not going to be doing that stress
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: response when it comes to eating, and you're going to
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: revert back to a different kind of thing. Yeah, good times.
• 59:12
  Speaker 1: That is the episode for today. This is a long
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: fucking episode, so we absolutely do not have time for
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: a brain tract. Guys. Thank you so much for listening,
• 59:19
  Speaker 1: Love you guys so much. As always, remember be kind
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't take shit
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself. Dunk it.