Latest / Soul Salon with Ayandastood / 21: the power of recommitment & return

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21: the power of recommitment & return · Soul Salon with Ayandastood

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don't let the shame of staying away keep you from the magic of returning.
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Hello sunshine and welcome back to paradigm shift with i understood a place where we reframe what is
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and reimagine what could be i hope you enjoy today's episode let's paradigm shift together
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hello darlings and welcome back please forgive the background noise on today's episode
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such is the human experience today i'm very excited to be talking to you about the power of
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returning the power of recommitment and the specific pain that i want to speak to today is when
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you told yourself or others in your life that you were going to do something and maybe you even
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started it but then you stopped you stopped the path that you were on you took a break and the
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break extended and now you feel ashamed you feel ashamed for avoiding the creative project
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and now your avoidance is compounded by your shame you're not just avoiding the fear of the project
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itself which is inherently fearful whether that is writing podcasting speaking creating something
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but you're also avoiding the shame you feel at having said you would do something and they're not
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doing it whether that's the breaking of the commitment to yourself or the public statement that
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you made to others so i have experienced this many times most prominently when i started my
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podcast i told myself okay i'm going to do this every single week and then after about five weeks
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i stopped for six months and within those six months there were many opportunities that i could
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have taken to return to the project to the page i just like saying the page because it sounds
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sexier but to return to the page and out of the shame that i felt at avoiding it for so long
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i didn't return and what i want to really invite us into is the perspective that commitment is
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only one thing i think something that's even more profound is recommitment because the commitment
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happens first it's what you say okay i'm committed to this project but what's going to happen when
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you break that commitment that's when you have two decisions you have the decision to say oh i
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broke the commitment that's it or you have the choice to say i'm recommitting and i think if we
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practice the skill of forgiving ourselves and recommitting constantly knowing we we have a path
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that we've laid out for ourselves it's a linear path it assumes that we're going to be able to be
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consistent or we're going to be able to literally as i said in the last episode to be this mechanized
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self that is so productive and that is so consistent and that is so predictable and static rather
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than dynamic and emotional and evolving and seasonal i think within that we need to invite ourselves
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into the idea that this path is going to be deviated from but what matters is that we are going to
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recommit to it again and again and again and this also describes how i feel about my relationship
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with tiktok where it's a constant i don't want to call it a fight but it's a constant decision
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to decide to recommit to that platform because very often i feel very perturbed by it or it's
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just a precarious place to create content because you never know what's going to happen you could go
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negatively viral it's just weird that you have to keep proving yourself again and again your people
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who follow you may not even see what you post it's just so strange to me but i choose to recommit
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to it because there's something in it for me there i just i feel like it's a beautiful way to
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connect with people i feel like i am proud of the social movement that it describes or that
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it epitomizes i love the ripple effect of that tiktok's have had on my own life i like the vibe
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and the energy and i just feel like i've built an audience that i feel devoted and committed to
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but then it's weird that they may not even see what i what i post so anyways so that's a that's
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an example for me of recommitment where i set these goals i don't reach them i say once a day three
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times a day five times a day ten times a day and i don't reach them but then what do i what do
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i refuse to do is i refuse for too long this happens all the time to let the shame of not saying
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not doing what i said i would do stop me from returning to that platform um and although i say
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that i refuse to do that what often happens is that is exactly what happens what happens is that
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i say i'm going to do something i don't do it and then i feel ashamed and then i avoid it because
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of the shame that i feel so i just want to invite us into this perspective on the power of return
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think of all the examples in nature of return the cyclicality the idea of seasons the idea of
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orbits the idea of life stages and development stages and how the first kind of mirrors the end
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like the beginning of life and the attributes of being vulnerable and dependent on others
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mirrors the end of life there's a lot of cyclicality there's a lot of returning okay
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we think of the new year the earth orbiting and completing its cycle returning to where it once was
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and what we can learn from this imagery of return is that this should also apply to our creative
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lives the idea that it's not really only about the fact that you left it's about the fact that
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you returned and this cyclicality is part of your being as nature that there are seasons for
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things in your life but let yourself come back to the summer don't say to yourself oh i stayed in
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winter now all i deserve is winter so now i'm just not going to be able to allow myself to create
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summer in my life and i'm gonna this is a binary way of thinking i think we fall into these traps
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of like winter's bad summer's good dark is bad light is good but actually in nature you need all
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of these things you can't have the day without the night you can't have growth without soil and dirt
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and mud you can't have rest without night without darkness and yet darkness is demonized in our
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culture we need darkness literally for life on earth and yet we only see light as as as connected
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to the notion of life it's so interesting yet we know that our rest fortifies our aliveness it's
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the reason why we can stay alive is because we rest and we restore and we heal and we conserve energy
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and we go through all these healing processes within our bodies and ourselves while we sleep
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and so it's an extremely generative and life giving process yet often the darkness is demonized now
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that's a whole different conversation but all i want to say is allow yourself to be cyclical which
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means allow yourself to return if you feel ashamed that you didn't do what you said you would do
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or you weren't as consistent as you said you would be i would love if you were just invite yourself
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and so then what and so then what that's the human experience saying you're going to do something
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and not doing it okay but then comes the choice and i think we can learn so much from people who
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experience addiction on this idea of recommitment if you are abstaining from alcohol for example
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and then you drink okay then you have two decisions either you can say okay i'm just going to keep
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drinking or you can recommit to not drinking so there's always that choice of are we going to let
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this moment or this period of our lives define us for the rest of it you know what i mean and
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we're not defined by our actions we're not defined by what we create but i think you understand
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what i'm trying to say to you i think in this world we are often encouraged to see life as being
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short life is so short you should do this and you should do that but when it comes to wisdom i
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really believe in the importance of contradiction as a form of truth saying that life is both short
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and long to me is much more honest in saying that life is short life is short in some ways but
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life is also the longest thing that any of us could hope to experience so that's the longness
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of life that you have time if there's something you've always wanted to do or if there's a friendship
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you want to you want to recover oh my word that's such a beautiful departure that she just made
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let's talk about the shame of returning to a relationship or a friendship the feeling of oh i
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didn't take them back for so long so now i'm just not going to take them back at all it's such
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such a paradoxical and self sabotaging yet very very like understandable and i validate you but it's
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such a self sabotaging thing we do to ourselves as we say you know i haven't reached out to her
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and so long so i'm just going to not reach out to her for even longer because i'm ashamed you
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know what i mean or i didn't respond for so long so i'm just not going to respond ever and it's
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out of shame it's because when you open up that text it reminds you it says June 27th 2023 or whatever
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even sooner it says you know you are reminded by the shame of how long it's been since you lost
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responded to that person and that feels uncomfortable but the discomfort of confronting that shame
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and moving through it responding reaching out double texting triple texting whatever it takes
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to reconnect with that person to repair to return to recommit to the relationship
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and all of the life that lies on the other side of that recommitment is so much longer
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than the shame that we're letting ourselves sit with instead as in it's so much more fruitful what
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we could allow ourselves to experience okay so the in that way life is long that we have a lifetime
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to rebuild to reconnect to return but we have to take the action towards that in order to experience
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a life on the other side when we talk about return we also have to remember that we're not regressing
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that would only be the case if you viewed progress as linear but we know that in nature progress
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is never linear progress is cyclical and i think the distinction between the way that western
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views understand progress is it's very linear whereas the natural earthly wisdom would be that
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progress is cyclical it's more like a spiraling than it is a straight line and so with when we think
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of the fact that we return enriched by the experiences that we've had then we start to see that
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it's not purely a loss we haven't simply lost time you know whether it's returning to a relationship
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or a creative project or something we said that we would do there are things that we now know and
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i mean that deeper knowing that intuition that experiential knowing the knowing that is multi-dimensional
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it's not just what you've read but what you've come to understand even about yourself it's not just
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what you have studied but what you've observed and felt and seen and heard you know the rich kind
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of knowing that's all encompassing of all the knowledge that could possibly be classified as such
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you come back to that relationship you come back to that project with that new knowledge and so
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in so doing your rest was not simply a regression because you're enriched by the life you've lived
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since you're going to come at the work with a certain kind of new perspective and this happened to me
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when i returned to my podcast up to a six month break unintended break i came with a new energy
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you know i came fortified i came ready to share my experiences with my difficulties
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unfinding my voice which is something that people ask me about that i'm excited to keep digging
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deeper and deeper into because it's something that i consistently face so with that being said
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i could say oh i lost those six months no i was living a life and as an artist what's really
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cool is when you take on this identity of like you are an artist i believe that if you're listening to
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you're an artist that means that your life my therapist said this to me your life is your art
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everything you're experiencing feeds your perspective and your consciousness and that's the
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consciousness that you are creating from i mean by i said paint the world with your consciousness well
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if you're painting the world with your consciousness then your consciousness is the the
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i don't want to use a word resource but it's like the paint it's the material that you're
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drawing from and through and as so the more you live a life the more you are in deep attention to
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your life the richer your palette and the richer the resources you can then draw from are so i
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think when you take this break intended or otherwise it's not that it has absolutely no bearing
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on what you then are able to bring forth from you because it's like saying the the plant that just
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was rained upon and experienced different seasons is not now fortified by those experiences
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so the key idea here is don't let the shame that you have of staying away keep you from the
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magic of returning do not let the shame of avoidance keep you from the joy the magic and the love
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of the return love yourself so much that you always view yourself as worthy of returning and
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also love your audience or whoever you make things for that much because it's also such an act
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to the people you do things for to keep recommitting to doing it that's what brings me back to
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TikTok again and again is this idea that it transcends me there are people on the other side who
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can benefit from what i'm saying and that recommitment that return is meaningful to them as well
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and so commitment is not what defines us as artists as people as friends what really defines
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a friendship or a relationship or a romantic relationship is the fact that you recommit to them
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you know what i mean it's the fact that you keep choosing that person you know the people who are
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in love who say i choose her every single day i choose them every single day think about the
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recommitment involved it's that when you fall off the choosing you don't let that stop you from
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re-choosing and so that beauty of recommitting returning cyclicality orbiting but returning to that
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the new year the cycle the season it comes back and it bears the fruit that it has to bear
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i do want to give two examples from nature of processes that involve taking breaks and then
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returning let me quickly read to you these two examples from chachi bt on beings in nature that
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take breaks from building things because that's sexy and divine and delicious the one is the
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construction of a beehive by bees honey bees construct their hives by producing beeswax and
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shaping it into hicks into cells that are the shape of a hexagon bees take breaks for various
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reasons including foraging for nectar and pollen defending the hive and resting the construction
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of a beehive is an ongoing process that may take weeks or months so in what way are you constructing
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a beehive that may take months years i mean bees are a specific species we exist on a different
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timeline but i think from that metaphor what we see is that this is an ongoing process that
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involves rest foraging for nectar and pollen if you've been focused on literally sustaining
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yourself in some way that could be financially emotionally creatively if you are looking if you've
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been looking for something to sustain and enliven and fulfill you then that's obviously going to take
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your way from constructing the beehive the other examples defending the hive if you've had to
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protect yourself from things if you've had to be there for yourself emotionally and protect your
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energy and conserve your energy that was my experience when i took my six month break of my
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podcast i didn't have the energy to give to it you know what i mean i had to defend the other
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parts of my life that were seeking my energy and that were seeking actually to just dim my light
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in general and resting resting just for its own sake it's good to rest that's what the beehives do
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and look at them they're thriving well not in our world because of humans but they would be thriving
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their process is a thriving process okay the other example that i want to give is bird nest building
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and aren't we all just building our little bird nest and don't we deserve breaks along the way
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many bird species build nests in trees or shrubs nest construction involves collecting materials
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like twigs leaves and grass and then arranging them into a nest birds may take breaks during this
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process perhaps to find more materials or to feed themselves they return to the nest building
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task when they have gathered enough resources or when they feel it is the right time to resume
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this process can be interrupted and resumed multiple times until the nest is complete i love that
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the birds just know when it's time to resume like be like the birds babe be like the birds
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when is it like maybe you just know on a subconscious level that it wasn't the right time to build the
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nest and something that i want to say to you is i want to empower you to understand that you are
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connected to intelligences that are greater than you that you haven't been invited to see yourself
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as connected to and so your subconscious you is part of you and your subconscious you may be taking
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this time away because it knows that it wasn't the right time for that project or maybe for that
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friendship or for that thing that you've been avoiding but now the avoidance may be a symbol or the
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shame you feel at the avoidance may be a signal from that same subconscious you but you've prolonged
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the rest the break longer than what it needed to be that may be the case i'm not interpreting it
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for you but it may be the case that the now agitation it's it's energy everything is energy so
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if you feel agitated by the fact that you've taken so long use that energy use that energy to fuel
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you fuel you towards the return don't turn the energy towards shame turn it towards returning
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forgiving acknowledging this is part of the journey this is part of the human experience
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is saying you're gonna do things and not doing them and then deciding to recommit to doing them
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rinse repeat rinse repeat that's what we're going to be living babe and when you're aligned to a
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craft like it's like an athlete they're aligned to a way of existing in the world and all of the
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systems that that entails so it doesn't matter if they miss an off day or an off week they're
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going to return because that's their identity and i think we can learn from all walks of life people
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who identify with a craft or with something with a sport with a game with a um relationship that
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they've committed to over decades they all say it's about recommitting returning noticing that
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the recommitment is really what makes you identify as that thing it's only the things we recommit to
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that we really identify as like if someone says i'm a gamer or someone says i'm a writer or someone
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says i'm a podcast host it's because there's a deep part of their spirit that not only chose that
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path but kept choosing it and keep showing up as the manifestation of that craft or of that area
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of life that there's something about that part of the universe that sphere of meaning that they
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feel so cold too that they're willing to put up with the obstacles and the detours and the deviations
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because that's who they are you know a writer isn't someone who writes every single day not
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necessarily a writer is someone who feels deeply committed to and devoted to the craft of writing
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that feels that they there's part of their being tied up with the process and the experience
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and maybe even the rewards of writing so if you've come to something that you either maybe
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sometimes the avoidance is because we feel we're supposed to be that identity but we haven't yet
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shown ourselves that we are that identity you know i don't believe in over-identifying as things
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or putting labels on ourselves but sometimes it can be very hard like it can be very affirming
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to something we feel is true about ourselves especially if it's something we've decided we are
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rather than something someone else has decided that's how i feel about calling myself an artist
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no one called me that there's no one in the universe who would have said oh you're an artist
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i've decided through my own reflection and understanding how i move through the world
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and why i create what i create and how i see things and how i try to share what i see and what i
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learn with others that i'm a motherfucking artist and i define that for myself and so each time that
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i recommit to that path where i have nothing to prove but sometimes i just want to show myself
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i feel like i deepen and expand myself as an artist but to me being an artist is not even
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there's it's just a way of being in the world there's nothing you have to produce to be one
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but being a podcast host for example that's a new identity that i do feel i want to show myself
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that i really i really am this and i'm showing myself that by by doing this by confronting
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resistance in this episode and by taking time off but then coming back and noticing that
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i'm going to probably take time off in the future but then i'm going to hopefully come back and if
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i don't then that's maybe because now i became not a podcast host and that's totally fine i want
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to say with this idea of returning that returning is a brave act i want to say that when you're
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writing something and you leave it for a while the fact that you chose to return to it
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it's a brave act because what has happened well first of all the piece hasn't
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gone in the direction that you were expecting you may be expecting it to be out in the world by
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now or you were expecting it to be finished by now and it's not but you're confronting that truth
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and you're saying i'm still worthy of the return i still have things to say i'm reconnecting
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with the part of my consciousness that felt so cold to write these words and i'm saying i still
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love you and i still honor you and i still see you and i want to recommit to you because it would
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be easy for you to just move on and you can move on everything in its time but i think there's
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something really brave and delicious and exciting and beautiful and profound about choosing to
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return to something the second reason i believe it's a brave act is we live in a culture of all
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or nothing thinking you're either creating or you're not you either are an artist or you are not
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you either are a good friend or you are not you either are committed to something or you are not
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you're either being a consistent disciplined artist or person or friend or you're not you are
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either on the path or you are not but what happens when both are true because what happens when you
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have this binary is that when you see your behavior more reflected in the are not side like if you
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either are an artist or you aren't then when you aren't you're like oh fuck this is the
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side i deserve to be on this is who i am now it stops you from doing this dance of life which is
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everything everywhere all at once which is duality which is complexity which is contradiction
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and it's not about being a good artist or a bad artist it's about living a complex rich
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emotional life that has its seasons and has things butterflies that take our attention that we
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just want to follow and just live life happens you're so much is happening in your life the fact
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that you recommit to creating space for your creativity is so profound and beautiful so many shifts
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happen in the way that we live and move and work the fact that you are trying to recommit to a
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friendship that is so beautiful in a world of disposability and the idea that once something is
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hard or difficult or inconvenient we should just throw it away the fact that you are choosing to come
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back in a world that's obsessed with consumption with newness with novelty the fact that you're choosing
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to come back it's brave and it's a beautiful and precious and i think it's stunning it's stunning
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what are we going to recommit to this week and accept that this is not going to be the last week
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it's an ongoing never ending journey once you decide something like let's say you decide
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i want to be a good friend that's not a one-time decision that's a decision that you're going to have
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to make in micro decisions again and again and again you know i want to be a committed friend i want
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to be a committed artist i want to be a committed creator i want to be a committed musician
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because we are living a very dynamic life with with many things pulling on our attention
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the fact that you will quote unquote fall off this path of commitment it's a given
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it's not possible to have otherwise and i think much of the self-help industry acknowledges this
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and feeds off of that because they feed off the shame we feel when we do fall off sometimes for
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years and it's not even falling off you see how i've adopted the language that they have we've
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lived a life we've been complex beings we've had seasons for things okay we haven't fallen off
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excuse my social conditioning so when you think in this binary way of either yes or no
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when you fall to the side of no you're like oh this is what i am i'm a no it's a no from me
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versus when you dance with the yes and no and you say well it's very complex
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i want to dive deeper into this idea of the people in our lives and the shame we feel at the
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avoidance towards communicating with them i once read this book called the power of regret because
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i was fascinated by that title that's interesting to me that's a paradigm shift in what way should
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i be moving towards regret instead of away from it and he says that the number one regret across
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cultures ages genders people is lost connections people regret that they lost touch with the people
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who were once and continue to be so meaningful to them people that they loved over meaningless
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conflicts that now mean nothing they regret that in later in life they may feel lonely in ways
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that they know that they didn't need to but because they didn't pick up the phone or they didn't
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have that difficult conversation they lost the connection they lost touch with someone it's not
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powerful sit with that for a second that that's people's biggest regret on earth is losing touch
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with people and what does that mean for what we should be doing i want to dive deeper into
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the actual experience of lost connection and the stages that occur because one of the critical
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stages is when we know it's been a long time and we feel a sense of shame and avoidance and instead
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of focusing on the fact that if we send the text or if we make the phone call this could reconnect
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us to that person for years and years we hyper fixate on avoiding the discomfort of that initial
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reach out or text or call that's a short term mindset it's saying in the short term i will feel
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very uncomfortable if i confront this versus in the long term i could have a lifetime of new
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memories with this person new connections and i know sometimes it's not up to us sometimes
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we're the ones that are left behind or sometimes someone we you know we lose touch for a deliberate
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reason but i'm talking about this this murky place where we could reconnect here's where we need
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to embrace the power of recommitment and the power of return and i think what we're avoiding is
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sometimes also who we were when we knew that person maybe we've become a new person and we just
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feel disconnected from that version of ourselves but then later in life we realize actually
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i was creating a kind of false distance from that version of me like i still am that me
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so we can also always return like i said returning to the writing returning to the page returning to
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a younger or a different version of ourselves who we now feel ourselves as no longer being but we're
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not that static we're not that singular we're always very very complex and different people different
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projects different pieces within a project bring out different sides of us different energies
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within us the energy of this podcast episode is very different from the energy of the last will
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be very different from the energy of the next it's still my energy so if you are listening to this
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and there's something you said you would do that you haven't done and now you're not doing it
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because you feel ashamed that you said you would do it and you haven't done it this is your sign
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from the universe forgive yourself and return when you're ready if you're not ready now that's okay
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but no you are always worthy of returning because i think worthiness and shame are so intimately connected
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we don't feel worthy if our path isn't perfect if our path isn't perfectly linear consistent and
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wonderful we say well then i'm just not a good artist i'm not a good creator i'm not a good friend
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i'm not worthy that's this totalistic and dualistic frame of mind it's so much more complex
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than just that i would invite you to zoom out over the course of your life and think to yourself
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okay i took six months off okay i took six years off what about all the years on the other side
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if you used to practice a language and you feel so ashamed for stopping then you're also letting
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yourself be more focused on the time last than the time that still lies ahead this is where we
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have to invite in the idea that life is long we have a lifetime to work on the things that we
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want to work on but we deprive ourselves when we don't return and recommit and also acknowledge
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that this won't be the first time or the second or the third that the journey of deciding to align
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yourself to a craft or to a relationship those are lifelong projects those are lifelong journeys
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and so they necessarily involve the consistent choice to recommit and so look at the universe
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gifting you with the ability to practice that much needed skill of return look at the universe so
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generous you get to practice sitting with the discomfort and the shame that you feel you've let
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yourself down in this time you've taken off and you get to say hey universe i'm back and this
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is what we're going to be doing together you and i is we're going to keep returning and that's
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just what the path is the path is jaggedy and raggedy and all the things that it is and it's like
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hills and mountains and valleys and ebbs and flows and cycles and orbits and it's not
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perfectly linear or consistent that is again the colonial imagination imposed on the dynamism
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and the contours and the complexity of the human experience of the emotional human experience
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you always have time to recommit always you always have time to return so i'm inviting you to
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return babe that thing that you've left behind that you feel ashamed for leaving behind that thing
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you said you do that you haven't been doing that thing that you feel like not worthy of returning to
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because you said you would be this far by now and you're not that far let's return babes let us
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return and focus on all that lies in front of us and and next to us and behind us focus on
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instead of looking you know it's like we're in a forest and there's this pedal and instead of
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looking up and seeing the forest we're hyper focused on the pedal okay it's like our creativity is
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it's like there's a flower of our creativity so far and we're in this forest and instead of looking
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to the forest and all we could create and all we could be and all we could experience we focus
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on the broken pedal of the flower why is this pedal broken oh no i'm so unworthy because i broke
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the pedal no you have a whole forest there's a forest there's abundance and there's something about
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this timing and you doing it in this time frame this reality this society this condition there's
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something you've gained there's something that's been enriched in your life in live end in you
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that's going to allow you to bring a new energy and new perspective a new life force into what
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you're creating and that makes this time of generative it's always generative we just have to choose
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to see it that way they want us to think of we took eight months off we only lost because they think
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in algorithms in in in numbers and in linearity right but we don't have to think like that we do
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just because we live in a platform society that once analytics and measurements and consistency
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it doesn't mean we have to subject our beings as complex members of the natural world of the
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universe of nature we don't have to squeeze our meaning and our worthiness into this linearity and
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into this obsession with quantification of self you cannot be quantified you cannot be measured
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okay you are always worthy of honoring your calling forgetting about it and then returning to it
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babe and then deciding to return to it once more I am on this journey with you this week I'm
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recommitting to TikTok I have not consistently posted on TikTok in a very long time and I'm recommitting
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to her this week and I'm going to recommit again because I'm going to stop again because it's a
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stressful thing to do but I love myself and I'm worthy and I'm not what I create and you're not
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what you create we are not what we create but when we feel cold to create we are worthy of that
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creation there's no vision you have that there's not a version of it it doesn't have to be the
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exact version in your head but that there's no version of it that couldn't exist in the world
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that's something I also want you to take from me if you have this grand vision for something you
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also have to remember a dream is an illusion and so we don't have to stick to the exact form of
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the dream we just need to use it as a beacon to light us and shine the way and shine a way
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towards that dream and know that what will actually transpire is probably going to look very different
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but yeah honor your calling you are worthy you are divine I love you I'm sending you love
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you've got this whatever this is and if your break is not over if you're not ready to return
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that's fine that's okay I hope that you take care of yourself I hope that you nurture yourself
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I hope that you create from a place of wholeness knowing that you are whole and knowing that you
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can never do anything to remove yourself from the fact that you are a member of the universe and
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as such you are divine and as such you are magnificent magical mystical delicious okay okay I hope
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some paradigms have been shifted for you in today's conversation as always if you can
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please leave a five star rating on apple and Spotify like comment subscribe I love you so
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so much okay I love you join me on my sub stack links in the comment section go there okay love you
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so much love you bye