Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S4 Ep24: Buzzed & Behind the Wheel 🤣

Transcript

S4 Ep24: Buzzed & Behind the Wheel 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the first time you black out it's real embarrassing.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're like, oh no, you know.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Your friends call you up the next day and they go, How you feeling today?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, I don't know, I feel pretty good.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: A little hungover, but I feel good.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: They go, Let me tell you what you told me last night.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, dang, dude, don't tell me stuff like that.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: But after a while you get used to it, you know, and you kind of get tough to it.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: You wake up in the morning, you look at your phone, you see your text messages, and you go, Well, I'll just delete these people from my life.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know how that happened, but it'll be easier to make new friends and apologize for them.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: You get tough to it, you know.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: You wake up in the morning, you go, hey, if they can't hang, they can't hang, you know.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to get kicked out of Dillard's in the daytime, that's your business.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I want to get some, I want to do some shopping, but I gotta do some drinking too, you know what I mean?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Not trying to buy slacks out here sober.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I used to drink and drive a lot.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not bragging about it.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I was pretty good at it, but I'm not bragging about it.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying you should do it, you know, but in Tennessee they say buzz driving is drunk driving.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're gonna do it, get drunk, you know what I mean.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I always say if you can get arrested for four beers, why not have fourteen?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: You only get two DUIs, don't waste one on a buzz.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I've that's what I've always said.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be driving a moped for the next two years, have a story about it, you know what I mean.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not for drinking and driving, you know.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, but back when I was drinking, I quit like ten years ago, and back when I was drinking, there was no Uber, no Lyft, cabs weren't reliable, so if you wanted to drink, you had to just drive, you know?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like sometimes we'd get a designated driver, but that didn't mean they weren't gonna drink, you know.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: That just meant you had someone that was willing to risk it.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: That one friend with nothing to lose.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, hey, I don't even have a driver's license, you know.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: We can't get pulled over anyway.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I never had a sober friend that was willing to drive me around that I wanted to hang out with.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I had friends that'd be like, I'll drive you, man.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, nah, we're trying to have a good time.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need your sober eyes staring at me all night.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need someone hanging around that's gonna remember everything.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: I know that guy's a bummer because I'm that guy now.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I used to blackout all the time, though.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: You ever wake up driving?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: You come to, you come to, you're like, dang, I'm driving.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, how'd I get this drunk?
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Where am I going?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I got a flat tire.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, dang, I hope that flat tire's new, you know?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not trying to buy a rim out here.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I pulled into a parking lot.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was not even that late in the day.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: The sun had just gone down.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: People were still shopping.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm out there changing a tire.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was so drunk.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was able to get the car jacked up.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: I got the one tire off, but I couldn't figure out how to get the spare on, you know.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I called triple A.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: That guy showed up.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, dang, you're drunk, man.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, yeah, normally I can change a tire.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, I'm pretty sure I called AAA, not AA.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: So you know what I mean?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: You just want to get this tire changed, get me back on the road, man.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I got somewhere to be.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know where right now, but I'll figure it out while you're changing this tire.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I took a trip with my wife one time.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: We took a little day trip.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is before we had kids.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And uh we're driving along, and my wife asked me, we were going to Chattanooga.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Did you bring weed?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know why she asked me that.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but I said no, right?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: I lied about it.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I lied.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't really care that I had it, but I lied about it, and I just thought, you know what?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Ease her of her worries that we have anything on us, and uh, and I'll be fine, you know.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: So we'd go down, we'd go to my sister's house, we're hanging out all day, and I'm going out to the car periodically, you know, doing a couple of drops, you know, like a real addict.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And but I think most of my family liked me better when I was an alcoholic anyway, you know what I mean?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: So they were enjoying it, you know.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna go ahead and do a full tensure, you know, which is about 10 or 12 drops or so.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: We get in the car, we're driving, it's nighttime, we're having a good time.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm listening to the first Kings of Leon album, we're jamming.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden it hits me, and it hits me hard.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: There's like a wave of kind of anxiety feeling that comes over me, and I'm like, ooh, maybe let's listen to a podcast or something like that, you know.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Just gonna chill out on all this guitar here for a minute.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't tell my wife that I've done it, you know, because I told her that I didn't bring weed, you know.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: So if I tell her that I'm, you know, I'm real high, now I have to confess that I brought weed.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I can drive and freak out, you know, but I can't drive, freak out, and fight with my wife.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, I'm gonna pull over to this truck stop, you know, and I'll just walk around a little bit and you kind of mellow out.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I go in there and I start peeing, you know, in the bathroom.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't just do it right in the truck stop.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I go into the bathroom, I start peeing, and then I I'm sitting, this is how high I am.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh man, I've been peeing a long time.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it seems real loud.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I bet the truckers in here can hear me peeing, and I bet they're thinking, man, this guy's been peeing a long time.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: I bet he's on drugs.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know that symptom of a drug user, that symptom you hear all the time of peeing a long time.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they're always saying about people on weed, is how they pee a long time.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's how freaked out I am.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I get back in the car and I don't feel better.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And we're driving through the mountains, and I'm a pretty aggressive driver.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: So when I'm cautious, my wife's like, What's going on with you?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I figured I decided in the car ride, I say, you know, if we make it home, I'll I'll tell her what happened.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'll confess.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: But if we don't make it, no need to bring it up.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?