Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #89: The Question Almost Every Parent Wants to Know: Should My Adult Child Pay Rent?

Transcript

#89: The Question Almost Every Parent Wants to Know: Should My Adult Child Pay Rent? · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast that helps parents with older children in their 20s and 30s.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, normally my guests and I focus on young adults who are struggling, but today I'm addressing a question that many parents with adult children quietly wonder about.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Should we charge them rent?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is an important topic and there are several variables to consider.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Is your adult child working or unemployed?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Do they live with you or live in a place that you own?
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you have money and don't need their rent?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you could really use the extra income.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Regardless of the situation, there's a much bigger question here.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: What are you teaching your adult child about the financial responsibilities of being an adult?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because paying for housing is one of the biggest expenses of living in the real world.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're going to talk about whether you should charge your adult child rent, why it matters, how much to ask, and how to handle it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get one important detail out of the way.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Living at home is not the problem.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: There are a multitude of reasons for an adult child to live with their parents.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: The cost of housing is high, their current job doesn't pay well, they're saving money, they're starting a new career, they're back in school, they're going through a temporary setback, or they're in between jobs.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're helping out at home by caring for a family member, or you just really enjoy having them there.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Before I go any further about adult children paying rent, the exception here is if they have any mental, physical, or neurodevelopmental issues.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: I also want to add that a young adult who is making an effort at home, actively working and building a life for themselves, is very different from an adult child who is capable of working and contributing, but is choosing not to.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's as if they're living in a five-star hotel.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: No responsibilities, no expectations.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the hard truth.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: As long as you keep providing that comfortable life with no pressure and no timeline, you'll probably be supporting your adult child until you take your last breath.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're not going to wake up one morning and decide, okay, I'm ready now.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: So if waiting for them to want it never happens, what can you do?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I've often said on the podcast, on social media, and to the parents I work with, you cannot motivate your adult kid.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot make them want to do something.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: But the biggest motivator in life is discomfort.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: So if you stop making their life so damn comfortable, that's how you will create the conditions for change.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Which is why I believe that every capable young adult should pay rent, working or not.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And here's why.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Home is your adult child's learning lab.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's the dress rehearsal of life, the training ground before your adult child steps onto the battlefield of the real world.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's where they get to practice what living responsibly and independently is like.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And your job is to prepare them.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: In real life, rent is due on the first of the month, which means they'll need to have enough money in their bank account to cover it.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And planning ahead for that is what every single person thinks about each month, whether it's rent or mortgage.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Only the homeless are exempt.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you're not preparing your adult child for the real world, you are setting them up for a big surprise, possibly disappointment, even failure.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Having your adult child pay rent teaches them that a roof over their head is not free, and the sooner they start practicing this at home, the easier this responsibility will be to manage.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go through some of the objections you might be thinking.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: My adult child is working, but they're saving their money.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Why should I charge them rent?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm punishing them.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Here's why.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because learning to save money each month is a habit we all need to practice.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's not reserved for the youngins who still live with mom and dad.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: We're all supposed to save money alongside paying our monthly bills.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And since rent is the first and largest expense, it's a priority over anything else.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Just saving money without having expenses is unrealistic.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Rent or a mortgage is paid with money earned, not money saved.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Young adults must get into the habit that a large part of their income is exiting their bank account the first of each month.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Next question.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Here's how you can respond.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you know me, I'm always offering you ways to say things.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's what launch scripts is about.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: So please feel free to pause the episode now and write this down.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Charging you rent is not a bad thing.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually getting you into the habit of paying a fixed amount on the first of every month because that's what adults do.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's still your money.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I'll be opening a high yield savings account for you, and when you move out, you'll get it all back.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, you'll thank me later.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Next question.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: What if I don't need their money?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't need their money, great, you're simply collecting it like a landlord would, except you'll be saving it for them when they do move out.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Again, you just need to explain that you're helping them develop the habit that a lump sum of money is paid out each month and on time.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Next question.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Are you thinking, why don't I know other families who do this?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, first of all, maybe other families don't talk about it, but contributing financially while living at home is actually more common than you think.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: A Pew research study found that 46% of American young adults between the ages of 18 to 34 living with a parent contribute toward rent or the mortgage, and 65% contribute toward household expenses such as groceries or utilities.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: So it isn't unusual for parents to receive some financial contribution from their adult at home.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the next question, and it's a big one.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: What if they're unemployed?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: This is where many parents get stuck.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: They say, How can I charge my adult child rent when they don't have a job?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Where's that money coming from?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And my answer is exactly.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, that's exactly why you should.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Remember what I said earlier about discomfort?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Asking them for rent when they're not working is uncomfortable.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, many young adults have moved back home after they got laid off because it was easier than finding another job.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Then they end up staying home for years because it's comfortable there.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: No expenses, no financial obligations, just one long staycation at an all-you-can-eat restaurant with free lodging.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: You see my point?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: It shouldn't be comfortable.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Once you establish that they must pay rent, now they have to get a job.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Any job.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And if they don't like it, guess what?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: If there's no sense of urgency to find work, there's stagnation.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: No expenses at home, no discomfort, no motivation.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: So remember the goal.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: You are raising an adult.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: You want them to be capable of taking care of themselves, to know how to manage money, to be comfortable with rent, to understand what it means to be a responsible adult.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And ultimately, eventually, you want them to leave your home.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you can't stand how messy they are, or that you want to be an empty nester who enjoys traveling.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you don't want to be cooking and cleaning and doing laundry for another adult.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: None of those reasons.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: None all of those reasons.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's because you want them to feel confident and capable of living independently.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's what you get to teach them.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: So here's my bottom line.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: I truly believe every adult child should pay rent because it's the best way to prepare them for life.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: The last question is how much do we charge?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll give you two options, but I will say this.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you charge too little, you aren't preparing them.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Families who charge an amount that is way below the going rate are really doing nothing.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Their adult will be so shocked when they move out, and maybe they'll never feel prepared.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's what I want you to do before you discuss the two options.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sit down with your adult and build out a monthly cost of living budget together.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you how many young adults have no idea what this looks like.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now don't stress over this.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Just ask Google or AI what that amount is.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: But be sure to specify your area.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Then show your adult the budget.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Let them see the full amount that it costs to live.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: But since we're just focusing on rent, here are my two suggestions.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: First, if they're working, charge them 30% of their income.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: This mirrors the standard affordability guideline and it scales naturally with what they earn.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: So it works across different income levels.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Second, once you know what rent actually costs in your city, you can either charge them that amount or split that number in half.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, who knows?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they'll get a roommate one day.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: But this is the closest to a real landlord relationship.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now you can give them 15 to 30 day grace period, and you can revisit the amount after they land a job or whatever situation's going on.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Remember though, in the end, you're saving it for them anyway.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: This next and final step won't surprise you if you've been listening to this podcast.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: This arrangement has to be in writing.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever that amount is, whether it's part of the Living Together Agreement or your own air quotes rental contract, it must be written, signed, and executed, just like they would do with a landlord.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, home imitates life.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: So as we wrap up, I know this episode will either be a relief to you or give you food for thought.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: But keep this in mind.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Becoming an adult isn't something that magically begins when your adult child gets their own place.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: It should have started way before then.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Teaching your adult child how to become independent means giving them opportunities to practice it.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: That includes, among many things, getting a job, managing money, contributing to expenses, being responsible, paying rent, and sometimes it means allowing them to experience a little discomfort.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's something I've learned from researching, writing, and working with parents of young adults.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Your job isn't to make your adult child's life as comfortable as possible.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's to help them become comfortable managing their own life.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And those, my friend, are two very different things.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you felt this episode was helpful, please share it with another parent, maybe even your spouse.
• 12:21
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• 12:26
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• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for listening.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's truly my pleasure to have you here with me each week.