Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 24, Season 1: Unoffendable

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Episode 24, Season 1: Unoffendable · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dust Podcast. I'm your co host
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: train of but you're here with our host, doctor Sarah Hnstley. Hello,
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: how are you.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: I'm doing really well. How are you?
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: It's a hard day.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I know I shouldn't have even asked that question
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: because I know how you are right now. You lost
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: some chickens last night.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Well and it was only it only ended up being one.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Oh that's good, and I thought it was two. But
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: then another one kind of like came out of the
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: woodwork and had been hiding. But then the raccoon got
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: the other one. He got Montine, who knew that chickens
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: were so much drama? You know that. Okay, here's one
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: thing I can say about chickens. It is not what
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: I want to come back because they are just you know,
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I mean, there are everybody wants to eat a chicken,
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: you know, I mean everything, everything wants to eat a chicken.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: And so they have been just so much more work
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: than what I was I bargained for. And then, you know,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: I just have a soft heart, and so it's hard
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: when I when I've lost two now to raccoons, and
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: then my husband had to kill the raccoon, which also
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: killed my heart, you know. Just I'm standing there and
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: just kind of bawling my eyes out in my little backyard,
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: you know, and we're within city limits, so it's like
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: it's like one o'clock in the morning. It was just
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: it was. It was a bloodbath, it really was, and
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: it just kind of made my nervous system Gora. But
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: in Kentucky, you're allowed to kill anything that threatened your livestock. Yeah.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we have that rule for a reason because we
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: have to protect our livestock.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but I ain't cut out for that farm life.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: Anybody who's a farm around there, I give you mad props,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: because that shit is hard and I don't know if
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: I could do it.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I asked Donald for chickens and he was like,
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: I had chickens and no. Funny. The funniest thing is
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: that when Dog and I were trying to decide, Okay,
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: are you gonna give up your house? Am I gonna
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: give up my house? I wanted my kids to stay
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: in the same school district because they don't have a dad, obviously,
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: and he gave up three acres it to kem Flavor
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: in a neighborhood. Yeah, and then I pretty much asked
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: him to make me a homestead in the neighborhood.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: And he's like, what, that's kind of what's going on.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: So, you know, he convinced me. I mean, he would
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: have done the chickens if I would have really like
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: pushed it. But your chicken story is playing out like
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: his chicken store. They just get picked off one by one.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's hard. I mean you're constantly in this battle
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: of protecting them, but there's so much satisfaction when you
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: go go out there and get those eggs. Man, I
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: can't and you paint.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: The prettiest little egg boxes. They're so precious for all
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: your friends. Yeah, you're so precious. Your heart is so
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: soft and so precious, which I think brings us to today's.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: Podcast, Yeah, which is episode twenty four, and it's unoffendable.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, unoffendable in a society where everyone is constantly offended,
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: I'm flat out sick of it. I'm flat out out
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: so tired of people being offended. There was this comedian
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: and I don't know his name. Again, I always mention
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: things that I see because I don't want anybody think
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: I'm ripping them off.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: There was this comedy this really funny bit that was,
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: like what happens to you when you get offended? Like
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: you don't wake up the next day with leprosy.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: Like It's like it's like a little tough psychological.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: Moment, like have some grit, get over it.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: People haven't no grit anymore.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: None. And actually there's some psychological research coming out showing
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: that not only do our children have no grit, but
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: that grid is actually the number one predictor of life success,
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: like in terms of personality characteristics, like individual personality characteristics.
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: Yet and grid is just pushing through when you're uncomfortable.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: That's all that grid is. It's pushing through when you're
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: uncomfortable and like allowing the discomfort to be there and
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: moving past it.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: Right and asking some challenging questions about.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: What like why did I feel that way?
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: Why did that bother me so much? But we are
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: in such a society where it's like, no, I'm not
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: going to ask myself the hard questions about why did
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: this offend me?
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Now?
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: There are so there are things in this world. Please
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: do not get me wrong. There are atrocities of this
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: world that should offend all of us.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Murder essay trafficking. There's a lot of things that yes,
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: we should feel offended about that because it offends are like,
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: it offends God first of all, and then it is
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: human it's like a crisis against humanity. Those those are
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: things we should be offended about.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: What is essay?
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: What is that sexual abuse?
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: Oh?
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, I get so used to having because TikTok
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: won't let you say it. Okay, So I'm you know,
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: TikTok's my biggest platform, it's where I started, it's where
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: I have my biggest following. So I'm just so used
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: to like their roles and like saying I'm alive right
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: instead of like killing k word.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was TikTok's crazy perfect example. I was doing
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: a live the other night and I was like, people
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: can be addicting and trauma bond. I was talking about
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: the physiology of the brain when you become addicted to
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: a person through a trauma bond, and I said, it's
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: like it's like being addicted to heroin and in terms
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: of the physiological changes of the brain. TikTok gave me
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: a violation for saying that, for saying that people could
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: be addicting, like Harry Heroin saying us promoting drug and
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: alcohol related content, I means run by bots right again,
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: like TikTok is a great platform, I don't I'm not
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: gonna pick piss off the TikTok like folk or bots
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: with Boss, We're all being ruled by AI. Oh my gosh,
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: speaking of like there's actual like AI robots that look
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: exactly like in the movie I Robot.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: Why why are they doing this? I don't know.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: It's really scary though territory And then yeah, and so
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: I think that that ties into this because human beings
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: are becoming so much psychologically weaker, and I don't want
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: anybody to misconstrue my words, like being tough and forcing
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: emotional suppression isn't teaching grit, Like the whole get over
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: it mentality isn't really what I'm actually promoting here. No,
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: I'm promoting introspection, processing, processing. Why does this offend me?
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: Because when we become offended, it's because we're triggered, And
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: we're triggered because the situation that's happening is something in
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: our past that has violated us, violated us in some way, right,
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: and there's something about that current situation in the environment
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: that's triggering these feelings within us because it reminds us
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: of that past situation.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: So it is our job and our responsibility to understand ourselves. Right.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I think there's a big ego issue too in society.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: Oh for sure, there's so much pride, and pride always
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: cometh before the fall, folks. You know, pride will quickly
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: knock you out of alignment. And there's this balance between
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: loving yourself and having self esteem and then being so
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: prideful right that you can't take accountability and say that
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: when you're wrong, or where you just can't stand that
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: someone disagrees with you. And there's some psychology behind this.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: So you know, I try to keep politics off of
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: my platform and will continue to do so and just
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: promote like Jesus Christ and the love of in love. Right.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: But I think we can bring it to value systems
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: where there's this interesting psychological theory called terror management theory,
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: and I learned about it in grad school and we
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: actually had a guest speaker in graduate school who was
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: like one of the founders of terror manage theory Greenberg
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: I think was his last name, And terror management theory
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: essentially says when your value systems are threatened, or your
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: identity is threatened, and those two things are very tied together.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: Value systems and identity are tightly woven together. It subconsciously
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: reminds you of death. Not consciously, but subconsciously reminds you
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: of death, because your value systems are what you pass.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: On from generation to generation. So it's like your legacy.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: And then when somebody threatens your value system, it subconsciously
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: reminds you of death and that legacy being threatened, and
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: so then people get extremely defensive. Makes sense to defend it, right,
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: And I think that that is why we have such
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: a divided country, right, and why we can have so
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: much hate and so much vitriol for people that disagree
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: with us. And so my whole message on here is
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: just like we have to learn about ourselves enough to
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: stop being so offended because the spirit of offense. When
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: we're offended, our nervous system becomes disregulated. And when we're regulated,
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: we operate from a fight or freeze or flee response,
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: and a lot of it is a fight response, especially
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: behind a keyboard.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: Right, yeah, right, that's what I was going to say.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Social media brings this whole other aspect to it, because
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: you know, people obviously have been getting offended for years,
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: but now we have these massive platforms and millions and
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: millions of in terms of reach, right, so it's like
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: there's there's more witness value to the offensiveness.
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, And then you have to ask yourself, like
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: why do I care so much that somebody disagrees with me?
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: Like?
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: Why do I care so much? Remember like when it
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: was cool to not ask people who you were voting for,
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: Like I remember asking my mom in the nineties, like
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: who did you vote for? And she was like, that's
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: not your business, Like, don't ever ask anybody that. Yeah, yeah,
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: that's like that's so rude. Like we have a private
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: voting system for.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: A reason, right, And now it's not like that.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: No, it's not.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: It's like you must say, right, which side are you?
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then prepare. If you claim it, you're gonna
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: get demolis or if you don't claim it right, then
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: you're gonna be like you don't take it sad, you
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: just want to say it. Straddle the fence.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: It's the unwinnable war.
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: It's the unwennable war. And I made a video about
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: that the other day. Jesus Christ twenty twenty four. Yeah,
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna get that sweatshirt, yes, because.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: We'll just make that, We'll make that t shirt because listen,
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: until Jesus comes back, you know that we can do anyway.
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: No, Right, we already know the war's one, We already
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: know the battle has been won, and we already know
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: in revelations what it says is going to happen to theirs.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: So I'm not worried, right, I'm not worried one bit.
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: It's like, what, there's no human being that's going to
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: cause as much destruction before Jesus comes back and gets me.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: That's how I look at it, right, So I want
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: people to stop being mean to each other.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, and it doesn't help that we have, you know,
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: leaders in this country specifically, or even all over the
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: world that also are offended, constantly, constantly offended. Yea, this
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: makes it difficult, but you.
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: Can't say anything. It's really cute, adorable person on TikTok.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: I won't even say if they're a man and a
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: woman or a woman. But this person's house was so
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: perfectly decorated. This person had the most cutest little outfit
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: on today, and this person was making this video about
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: how this person, I'll just say they made this comment
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: on a video that was like, let's all come together
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: as Americans and help the people of North Carolina, and
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: he got the most amount of hate for saying Americans
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: instead of people, like you should have seen the comments
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: on this.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: Are you serious see this stuff? Just like I'm so
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: far removed I guess from I mean, some of the
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: stuff I will look at, but like I don't really
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: get infiltrated. I guess in terms of my algorithm, like
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: my algorithms like chickens and like dog drama.
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: Mine is all who made a video and someone has
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: a problem with it and I don't know why, Like
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: I'm on drama TikTok. I just I don't know, maybe
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: because I'd like, well, and it was like trying to
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: understand people. Yeah, I am somebody who deeply tries to
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: understand other people's points of view.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: Yes, that is somebody who I have become Like you're
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: you're a researcher, right, so you really like to dig
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: into things to see like the root calls of it.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: So you kind of, you know, go down those rabbit
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: holes of really important.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: Subjects, right, and I despise the confirmation bias. Like, the
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: confirmation bias is this idea that we hold a set
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: of beliefs. Therefore, we only expose ourself to or tend
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: to information that will confirm those beliefs because that doesn't
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: create any psychological discomfort. So we we then become essentially
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: very extremely narrow minded, right where we shut out the
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: side of everyone else because it threatens our value system. Again,
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: we know through terror management theory that causes us to
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: subconsciously think about death. Therefore, you know, we don't want
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: to deal with any of that psychological discomfort. You add
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: that to the confirmation bias, and we've got a real issue.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: Go deeper into the confirmation bias because I'm not fully understanding.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: I want to make sure our listeners fully understand.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: Okay, so let's say you love chickens, right, you love
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: your chickens. You think chickens are awesome.
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: They aren't, don't get them.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: And let's say you come across somebody on TikTok who's like,
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: f chickens, chickens suck. Right, Yeah, You're gonna be like, oh,
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna block that person. Yeah, because they said something
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: that challenged your belief system. Okay, okay, And so because
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: it challenged your belief system, that makes you so psychologically
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: uncomfortable that you're going to go as far as blocking
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: them so that you don't have to be exposed to
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: it again. So you're only going to be on chicken
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: talk where people are loving on their chickens and talking
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: a grade about chickens.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: Right, does that make sense?
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: And so you can see how this plays out in
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: the entire world.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: Right, specifically on social media.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: Yes, specifically on social media.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: Because of algorithms, because of yah, don't know, right, and
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: the algorithm learns you and it figures out.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: Like and people are like, people are starting to try
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: to figure me out. I follow people that are on
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: opposite ends of the spectrum. Yeah, like my follow list.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: You will not be able to figure out any of
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: my beliefs from who I follow, because I want to
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: be exposed to the other side.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: I do not want to be a victim of the
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: confirmation bias. And I am strong enough in my nervous
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: system to tolerate hearing something that I feel like maybe
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: isn't true or goes against my belief system that I
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: you know, have where that I would say challenges my
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: belief system. I want to know the truth, and personally,
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: God's truth is my truth. So anything any human says
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: on this earth I take with a grain of salt's
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: And my mama taught me to believe nothing about what
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: I hear and.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: Only half of what I see, right, Yeah, and so
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: that golden rules still apply.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: That sticks with me. Yeah, I want to know what
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: everybody's saying. I don't want to hear what just this
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: person's saying. I don't want to hear what just that
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: person saying. I want to hear both of them are saying.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: And then I want to feel educated enough to like
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: maybe figure out what could the truth be, because there's
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: always like his side, her side, and then somewhere in
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: the middle right where the truth lies. And I'm just
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: saying his and hers as to show off the rights, right,
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: there's a side to b side and see maybe somewhere
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: in the middle.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: That's what I've encouraged Jean Paul. You know, because John
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: Paul turns eighteen this year on election day, you know,
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: and it's hard because he's an eighteen year old kid
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: and doesn't really know you know, I mean, I didn't
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: know at that time either, and so I've just really
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: encouraged them, you know, educate, educate yourself, you know, look
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: at both sides, think about what it is that you
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: really think and believe in you, your morals, and your
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: value system and then decide from there. Don't let any
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: don't let your friends, don't let Josh and me, don't
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: let your dad, you know, persuade you one way or
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: the other.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: Right, and stop getting offended because somebody believes different than you.
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: Stop getting offended because somebody lives their life different than you.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Stop getting offended because somebody doesn't hold the same value
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: systems as you. You know, what you can do instead
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: of being offended, which accomplishes nothing but ruining your own
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: adrenal glands, You could step out and get into the
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: advocacy space for the things that you are passionate about.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: The issues that you are passionate about. Get into the
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: advocacy space and go talk to your local or state
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: representatives about these issues, because that's where you're gonna have
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: the most influents. You know, Donate to the causes that
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: you believe in, in the organizations that support those causes
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: instead of getting offended on social media and spending your
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: time ripping somebody apart in the comment section of social media.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: The thumbs war great, no thing, Use.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: Your time better and then reflect and go, why did
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: that person's comment make me so offended? What is it
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: about me that can't handle that somebody else exists with
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: that belief or with that lifestyle or with that whatever. Right,
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: And it's okay to say I don't agree with someone, Right,
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: It's okay to disagree.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: And then disagree it makes us smarter. Yeah, and then
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: still see them in public and respect them as a
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: human being. Yes, Because I think a lot of times
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: people can get in these thumb wars via social media
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: and then like that small of an act or circumstance
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: will make them just hate that person if they ever
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: saw them again. And I don't understand that, Like I.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: Don't either, And I just think that the only answer
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: to that is God. Like God, you have to have
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: a godly heart. And you know, then there's there's the
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: whole side of you just can't straddle the fence here.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: You just got to pick a side. Do I do
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: I really have to?
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: Do I really have to You're saying I have to? No,
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: I don't.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: I actually don't have to, actually don't have to. I agree,
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: I don't even have to vote if I don't want
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: to vote.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean again, I I'm not as infiltrated. I
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: think you know with it, but you know, Josh, I
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: know is And.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: Now I think people should vote.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: Yes, people, because we died.
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: People died for that, right, right. I believe in democracy.
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: I believe in democracy.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: You're an educator too, so it's like you you advocate
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: for voting, but you advocate for educating yourself before you
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: do what your conscience.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, vote what you for the causes or the person
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: that you think best represents you and your family. But
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: stop hating on someone who disagrees with you. That is ridiculous.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: That promotes a world of hate. It promotes a world
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: of of violence. It promotes a world of tearing people
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: down instead of lifting people up. Why can't we just
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: get into civil discourse and disagreements that that are done respectfully,
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: That make people smarter.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And if you think about like the writing of
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: the Constitution and our forefathers, like that's what they were about,
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: Like they listen, these men could sit in a room
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: and completely disagree for hours right, but then they'd leave
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: that room and they were all friends. Yeah, they were all.
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: Drank cavern beers. Yeah right. Yes, we're watching Turn on AMC,
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: which is about the Revolutionary War, and it's it's apparently
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: it's like supposed to be somewhat historically.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Accurate, right, I mean that's how the John Adams story
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: is too.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: I don't know, but those times, the clone. I'm fascinated
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: by the colonial times, with their fashion, with like the
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: way they communicated, you know, and the craziness that happened
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: so that we had the United so the United States
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: of America existed is some real crazy self. It is wild.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: And so I get that we're passionate for this country
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: and that we have passion for the direction that we
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: want to see this country go. And I don't want
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: anyone to lose their passion. I just want people to
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: be kind in the process of their advocacy, in the
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: process of promoting their own value systems. I want people
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: to stop getting so personally offended. And I don't even
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: want to talk about politics anymore.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: Let's just put that down.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about like offense in everyday life. Yeah, and
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: someone said something to you and it didn't sit real
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: well with you, and so you go and stew on
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: it for the rest of the day, pump out all
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: sorts of cortisol and inflammatory cytokinds into your bloodstream and
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: ruin it, you know, and then maybe not connect with
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: your children because you're still thinking about what that person
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: said to you, or you know, you're in a bad
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: mood and you don't enjoy the rest of the day.
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: You've robbed yourself of the present because of what someone
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: else thought. You are literally putting your life then in
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: the power of someone else. You're relinquishing all your power.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: And we talked about not relinquishing your personal power and
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: staying unoffendable is part of one the resistance of your
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: own nervous system, and everybody's nervous systems are wrecked and
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: screwed up today in today's society. And Dana talks a
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: lot about this. Dana Dazzie and go back to her
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: episode nineteen. She's so amazing, She's so worth a follow,
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: just about the evolutionary mismatch that we have, like the
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: problems that we face today, our nervous systems just weren't
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: really built for and the way that we've set up society.
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: Our nervous systems weren't built to live that way. The
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: food that we consume were our bodies are not built
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: for right, and so there's this huge evolutionary mismatch between
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: the way that we live our lives and the way
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: that our bodies were designed to live. And psychologically, I
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: would say some of that is true now as well,
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: because of the infiltration of just mass amounts of information
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: and social media.
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: Right that.
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: I just truly believe there's so much commonality of the
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: human experience that we don't tap into, and we focus
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: a lot more out of differences, and I don't think
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: that that's helpful.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: And we're not as different as we think, right, we
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: have such a common need to feel loved. I mean,
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: if you really think about like the core needs of
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: people to feel understood, yeah, accepted, accepted, you know. And
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: this this is what I was going to say just
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: a second ago, you know, I mean talk about being
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: unoffendable and attachment security. Yeah, it's basically it equals it.
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, when you become attachment secure, you become largely and
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: offendable for a few reasons. One, you've learned, you've done
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: the work to regulate your nervous system to where your
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: nervous system becomes very resilient. Right, So this is the
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: key to attachment security. The nervous system work that you do,
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: it may it. It gives you a very tough, strong
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: nervous system so that if somebody says something or somebody
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: does something, including your partner, that doesn't sit well with you,
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: or that may have previously triggered you into easily into
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: a trauma response, it doesn't trigger you in the same way.
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: It allows you to sort of like notice that happening
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: in your body, and then you can send those safety
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: signals back to your nervous system that like, no, I've
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: got this, I'm okay, you don't need to go into
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: this survival response right where we can fight with others
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: or flee or freeze. And so it really creates a
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: level of resilience that helps you navigate difficult moments in
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: your relationship very effectively. Helps people be able to solve
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: conflict effectively because when we are regulated, the prefrontal cortex
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: of our brain turns on. We become compassionate, empathetic, open, curious, mindful.
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: Those are the characteristics that you have when your nervous
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: system feels safe. When you do not feel safe and
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: your nervous system goes into fight, flight or freeze, it
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: is all about you. It's not an other's oriented response.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: It's all about you and protecting you and protecting your thoughts,
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: your values, your insights, your view and perspective of the world. Right, Right,
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: you have no tolerance for anyone else's experiences or opinions
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: that are different than you. And you can imagine how
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: then that goes in a relationship, right, Because solving conflict
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: in a relationship is all about being able to tolerate
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: that someone else felt differently than you, experienced the situation
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: differently than you, has different wants, needs, triggers, wounds than you.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: If you have no tolerance for that, because every time
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: that comes up, you get triggered into a trauma response,
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: you can't navigate your own relationships.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, right on top of the chicken drama, there was
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: you know, Josh and I had a fight too so
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: last night. But of course, you know, I'm not going
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: to get into that because I don't want people to
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: think that the last time I got into the argument
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: or fight that we had. You know, people are like, well,
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: our jealous husband won't let her have a baby. Okay, whatever,
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: But we're a normal couple when we fight. I mean,
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: that's basically conflict.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: Conflict is so normal, it's how do you handle it?
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: And can you repair it as quickly and efficiently and
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: effectively as possible? Repair is huge, but people get so
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: offended and so hurt. And I'm not saying there aren't
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: times for that, Like it's more egregious or abusive things
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: happen to you fine, you know the diesel pete.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well then they don't repair, right, And yeah, that's
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: that's a large part of the cols. Not repairing leads
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: to resentment, and then resentment is a big you know,
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: that's that's a scar tissue kind of thing where it
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: just lass and builds, yes, inside of a relationship and
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: lack of emotional safety. Resentment causes lack of emotional safety too.
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and the divorce rates at an all time Huh.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: People that are even married are reporting that they're miserable.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: So even those people that are staying married, a lot
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: of them are miserable. And I think it's part of
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: it is because our nervous systems have become insanely dysregulated,
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: and that makes you easily offendable. And when you're offended,
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: you have no tolerance for anyone else's perspective.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: But drowne, which again becomes an ego epidemic. Too. Pride
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: will kill you, Yeah.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: I mean, it will kill everything you love. You know,
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: Humility is to be cherished and understanding.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: I mean, because even looking back at the fight last night, like,
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: I mean, obviously I could have done a million things
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: different and I was triggered and he was triggered, and
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: you know, but how great would it have been if
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: I would have been able to be like, you know,
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: why do you do this? Or like, you know, really
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: lean in with curiosity, which I think is a really
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: compassionate way when you when your partner does something that
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: you don't like, to just be like, really compassionately lean
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: in with curiosity.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: You can only do that when your nervous system is
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: an eventual vagel state. And so whatever happened between you two,
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: your nervous systems went out of safety and went into
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: fight fighter freeze, and you didn't know how to navigate
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: out what's right. And so I mean that's a large
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: part of what I teach people. Right and here's what
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: you have to understand. Even people have earned their security,
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: screw it up sometimes, right like, because there is always
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: going to be differing aspects of a situation that may
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: trigger you in unexpected ways and you respond into that
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: trauma response. But it's how quickly can earning your security is?
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: How quickly can I notice it, correct it and repair it?
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: And I like, you guys do good at that. We
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: absolutely and I can.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: Like it was just it wasn't even minutes right before
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: we were like actually having a conversation around it. It
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: kind of got you know, a little heated for a second,
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: and then you know, we really lean into each other
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: and we're asking, like, you know, why what you know,
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: why is this happening? Why is the same bite happening?
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: You know? So I think that that's you know, that
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: doesn't make me feel as bad, I know, Yeah, I
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: think Okay, I can get there a lot faster than
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: I used to be able to write.
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, And again, the more work that you do
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: around practicing those tools that I teach, and you know
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: the tools, and you're gonna you're gonna catch it even quicker.
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: You're gonna catch it in the moment right before the
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: words utter something you know that you don't want to
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: say out of your mouth, right, Sorry, the words that
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: you don't want to say, I should say come out
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: of your mouth. But even secure people, born secures and
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: earned secures are not perfect. No one is one hundred
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: percent regulated one hundred percent of the time. It's how
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: can you bring yourself back into a felt sense of
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: safety so that the parts of the brain that are
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: responsible for curiosity, empathy, compassion, and mindfulness openness start to
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: turn on and fire right, and the threat detection system
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: of the brain is turned off. Right.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: And I'm always fascinated with the evolutionary aspect of it
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: because you know, it's not like we're being chased by
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: mountain you know, mountain lions, like our lives are not
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: actually in danger, right, Yeah, like they were, you know,
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: hundreds of years ago or thousands of years ago. But
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: yet our nervous systems still react in the same way.
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: Yes, they have been conditioned over time to be unable
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: to tell the difference between a physical threat and an
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: emotional threat. And emotional threats are sometimes hard because when
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: there's emotional threats, you can think evolutionarily, if it's with
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: our partner that does potentially impact the survival of our genetics, right, Right,
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: because of the mating strategy that humans use of coming
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: together inside of an intimate relationship to have children and
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: then staying in that intimate relationship to raise the children
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: so that the children are most protected to survive out
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: into the world. So the subconscious does get very you know,
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: easily triggered when there's a disruption romantically because of that
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: mating strategy and those evolutionary principles. However, we can retrain
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: our nervous systems to stay in a place of safety
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: or come quickly back into a place of safety, even
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: when there's this emotional threat or disruption. Right. And that's
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: exactly what I teach people to do, right, That's exactly
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: what I teach people.
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: Which is really the point of this whole podcast. Yeah,
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: it's in terms of being unoffendable.
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you know, I can't go through my whole
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: course on the podcast.
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: I mean, you know, it take a while. It takes
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: like eight hours.
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: I would take a long time. But what I can
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: say is that it doesn't just build resilience in your
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: nervous system, It builds resilience in everyday life.
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, like if somebody yells at me in traffic,
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: it gives me zero person. Yeah, yeah, dysregulation. I'm like, yeah,
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry. I think I like missed that turn and
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: I didn't move quick enough or I didn't have my
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: turn signal on or whatever I did. Right, I'm not
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: a good driver. You know that.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: You're very scared. And the last time she drove here,
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: I was like, I think I'm gonna because we're about
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: thirty minutes from the studio, I'm like, I think I'm
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: gonna drive for now on. Do you scare me? I'm sorry,
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: And I'm not even a good driver. No, I'm not
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: because I'm just I mean I kind of drive like
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: a granny I do. Yeah, I'm not.
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: I need to, like I need to like a what
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: do they call it aggressive? Not aggressive driving, but like
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: a defensive driving course. Yeah, but you're because I'm more
• 31:55
  Speaker 2: too scared to do anything to react.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: And then like you're like ddity oh like cross, Yeah,
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: I'm not good.
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: That's when my husband always drives. If it's between me
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: and my husband, my husband will drive one hundred percent.
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you're not a tense driver like I would describe
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: Josh as a very tense, like aggressive driver, and like.
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know he's he's a cop.
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, he drives like a police officer basically.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: Right, yeah, yeah yeah. So I think that we have
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: to become a society with some more grit. And how
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: do we develop grit? We develop grit through nervous system regulation.
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: We don't develop grit by white knuckling and pushing through
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: things that are difficult, right, it's actually not that actually
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: leads to suppression and a freeze response of functional freeze
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: over time.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: Or creating circumstances for ourselves where we are just constantly
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: offended right like where we're you know, I feel like
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: some people, I mean you can deem them Karens or whatever,
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: you know, they just like they'll get on social media
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: specifically to stir the pot, right or to live in
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: that state of chaos when it's like, man, there's no way,
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: like you got to pick and choose those battles.
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: This is why I don't have very many friends by choice.
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: I don't have time for them. Number one, I have
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: four kids, and my husband's my best friend, and then
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: you're my second best friend. So between you and my
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: husband and I don't really want to hang out with
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: anyone else. But also because when you have a big
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: group of friends.
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: There's always going to be drama, especially women. Yeah, I
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: don't come in.
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and there's always a big drama, and there's gonna
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: be gossip, and there's gonna be who said what and
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: who said who and hate by association.
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: And I actually think we should do a whole episode
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: on friendship in your forties because it's complex. It is
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: complex as you become because for one reason, you become
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: more conscious and you become more protective of who has
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: access to you. Yeah, and it can get really complicated.
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: It can. And I've had some friendships in the last
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: couple of years dissolved because of my attachment security when
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: I set boundaries with them that the things that they
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: were saying were hurtful or the way that they were,
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: you know, in particular sort of using me as a
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: continual love therapist expert, which I'm happy to give my
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: friends advice when I can, but when there's no reciprocation
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: of that friendship other than you are always coming to
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: me for love advice, and then you never want to
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: hang out. You never ask me about how I'm doing.
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: You never inquire about my family. I'm only serving a
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: purpose for you to help you, And there's no reciprocation
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: of actual discourse and just quality time or anything like that.
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, Like that doesn't feel good to me. Yeah, right,
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: I feel used and you know, and essentially and being used,
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: and so I have the right to be like, this
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: doesn't feel good to me, and then they don't like that,
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: and then it's just happened to me.
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: But I'm going to save it for our episode that
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: we're going to do, Yeah, because I feel like I
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: can open when we talk about it, you know, because
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: a long friendship and I mean again, it's a friend
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: who I've been friends with for like basically my whole life.
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's really hard.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: It is very hard. It is.
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: It's hard to let people go.
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: It is, and you know, and I mean friendships, uh,
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: are difficult because I feel like it's the family that
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: we get to choose in our life, and so it
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: makes it almost even harder to let go because it's
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: a choice that you actively made, right right. It's not
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: like family, like you're connected to blood and you know,
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: I mean again, that brings up a whole other topic
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: of you know that you don't always have to stay
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: connected to family either.
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: No, you absolutely do not. And I know that you know.
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: I'm going through something very difficult right now, and I
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: made a TikTok about it, so I don't care to
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: talk about it on my podcast, which is my ex husband,
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: father and my kids passed away. His extended family obviously
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: has issues with me discussing the abuse in our relationship.
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: And that was a huge again thing that you know,
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: took a lot of discernment, took a lot of prayer,
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: took a lot of push from God to say, Nope,
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: you need to talk about what happened because of this
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: is happening to other people. And how can we ever
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: help people get out of abuse if we don't talk
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: about our abuse, right, Like, we can't do it. It's
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: impossible if we don't talk about what we've been through
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: to help other people.
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: Fanatically, unless you tell us that's.
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: Right, that's right, I can't be like, well, I had
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: a hunky dory marriage. No, it was a complete dumpster
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: fire yere.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: That's what makes your I mean, it's so much of that,
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: I mean, outside of your education is what makes you
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: such a great coach, and what makes your business as
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: successful as it is.
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: You have you have been through the fire in a
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: gasoline suit. And then so there's members of my husband's
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: extended family who are no longer in relationship with my
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: oldest daughter because my oldest daughter witnessed a lot of
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: the abuse and feels has feels like these family members
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: have very much gas lit her and like tried to
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: rewrite the story that her dad was some great dude, and.
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: She doesn't, well, I kind of know the truth here, Like.
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: I was there when X, Y and Z happened. I
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: was there, you know, when ABC happened. And then these
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: family members are saying that never happened. What are you
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: talking about that never happened. Why do you have anxiety?
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: You shouldn't even know the word anxiety. And my daughter
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: doesn't have anxiety. Now this was, you know, quite a
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: while ago when some of these things were being said
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: to her, when she did have anxiety, which after he
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: died because of everything that happened, and she went through
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: amazing trauma therapy, she went to be in health, she
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: got baptized, She lends and I cannot remember the last
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: time Gabby came to me and said, I'm feeling anxious.
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: I can't remember the last time, Like I have no
• 37:56
  Speaker 2: memory of when was the last time. That's how much
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: progress he has made, right, But during the times when
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: she was having anxiety, and she would get a ton
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: of anxiety visiting these family members in the home where
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: her her dad very much was around and like them
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: just like telling the side of the story, like nothing
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: that she experienced ever happened, or even acknowledging how his
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: death from overdose impacted her. And just yes, he had
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: a disease, like he had a disease, I get that, right,
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: and nobody like he is forgiven.
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: He's so forgiven, but you don't just ignore it.
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: But what it did to her nervous system was real, right,
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: And she had to go through a lot of therapy too,
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: because her really her only problem was anxiety, yeah, right,
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: And she went through a very brief period of anger
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: right after the day. Sure that's part, right, that which
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: is part of normal part of grief. But that that
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: passed pretty quickly. The anxiety piece of it, you know,
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: took some trauma therapy and in her face, I mean,
• 39:08
  Speaker 2: to get rid of it.
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: And it probably didn't help that she had some really
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: close family members that were saying they were basically forcing
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: her to suppress it.
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: Forcing suppression, yeah, absolute, and gaslighting. Yeah, just I mean absolute,
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: which most sight. And my daughter has learned about boundaries
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: and she's learned to speak up about like, no, that's
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: not the story, and.
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: To be able to go to a really close family
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: member like a grandmother, at the age of twelve thirteen
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: and be like that doesn't feel good to me, and
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: so therefore I'm not going to be around it anymore.
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: Most fifty sixty year olds can't do that. Most people
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: can't do that.
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: It's so freaking it's so brave. And Donald and I
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: actually had this moment. Was it last night or the
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: night before? I can't remember. All the Knights run together
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: because my kids have so many dang active these four
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: kids all in sports. Yeah, okay, we are always running
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: different directions. We even have a helper that helps us
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: because we can't be in four different places at one
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: time and work, and we both broke down in tears because.
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: We go.
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: Donald goes, I can't remember the last time Gabby said
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: she had anxiety, and I said I can't either, and
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: we went and we just talked to Gabby you know,
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: and we were like, when was the last time you
• 40:25
  Speaker 2: had anxiety? She's like, I don't know, I don't remember.
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: That's great And I said, what do you think was
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: the most helpful thing for that? And she said, well,
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: doctor Abbey helped me a lot. Shout out to Abbie
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: Jones with Mindful Growth. You can find her on TikTok.
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: Absolute amazing smart trauma therapist who very much also has
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: a lot of education on ADHD and executive functioning. And
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: gabb has ADHD as do I and I believe anyway,
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: and really did some amazing work with her. So she said, yeah, no,
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: I think doctor Abbey helped a lot. She said, God
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: helped a lot. She said, but I think the thing
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: that helped probably the most, and she said this is
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: from God, was that you and Donald have created such
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: a safe, loving house where I just don't want to
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: be anywhere else but here, right. I don't want to
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: go stay with family members, I don't really I don't
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: want to be away from you guys. Way it should
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: be like, I love being here with you guys, right,
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: I know that no matter what is going on, like
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: you guys will be here for me. You guys don't fight,
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: you don't. I mean it's not that I don't have disagreements.
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: We do, yeah, but there are.
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: Respectful disagreements and they was all very quickly. So she's
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: not being exposed to any toxicity none though, absolutely not.
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: And all that her dad and I were was that
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: was like yelling and abuse and like reactive abuse and
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: severe fighting or him disappearing and not coming home for
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: days like there were there was, yeah, right, there was
• 41:52
  Speaker 2: nothing but instability and fear.
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: Right, And it just goes to show that children equate
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: safety and love as one right and sore? Do I
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: feel good? Where do I feel safe?
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: Right? And of course I very much jumped on attachment
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: parenting right because I knew she had attachment wounds. Yep.
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: I don't remember what.
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: Number raising secure kids. I don't either.
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: I think it's the it'll oh, it's going to release next, Well,
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: it'll release. It's not dropped yet, it hasn't really yet.
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: By the time this one drops, it will have those.
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: She can go back and listen. I think it'll be
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: twenty three, right, Episode twenty three is attachment and.
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: I can tell that her nervous system is being is
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: so has had so much healing. That's great, yeah, you know,
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: and she feels so safe and so comfortable. And the
• 42:39
  Speaker 2: reason that she can set those boundaries with these family
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: members is because she knows not only what happened, not
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: only what the effects on her were, but then what
• 42:50
  Speaker 2: healing took place and what And she said, I have
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: no desire to step out of this healing space and
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: potentially undo anything that therapy and God and you guys
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: have done for me. Probably And this is a thirteen
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: year That's why almost fourteen year old saying this, And
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: you know, I.
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: Mean the power that she must feel in being able
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: to state those things. Once you get there, there is
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: really no turning back. There's turning back.
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: No.
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: I feel too good and I love myself just too
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: much to be to do to go back, right, And
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: then that's what attachment security is.
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: But then to have a close family member essentially say, well,
• 43:33
  Speaker 2: you're disrespectful and ungrateful. Look at all I've done for
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: you in your life, and I want to I want
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: to be like So all of those gifts and time
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: came with an iou condition, conditions, right.
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: They're not gifts. Gifts that come with conditions, aren't gifts.
• 43:53
  Speaker 2: No, they're not. They're it's being indebted to someone. And
• 44:00
  Speaker 2: my daughter does not have to to accept gaslighting and
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: she doesn't have to accept a narrative that wasn't true.
• 44:09
  Speaker 2: Does that mean that she doesn't love her biological father,
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: that she doesn't forgive her biological father, that she doesn't
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: still have good memories with her biological father, And we
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: talk about those good memories, because nobody is all good
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: or all bad, right, so we talk about like, oh,
• 44:24
  Speaker 2: you know, remember one time when your dad did this
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: and it was a positive thing, and so we'll just
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: we'll focus on those positive things. But we're also not
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: going to deny that the trauma happened, right because in
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: the culture of that family, and it's rampant, I would say,
• 44:41
  Speaker 2: like just in the culture of the small town that
• 44:45
  Speaker 2: maybe they live into, is a lot of the way
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: that people handle problems in a small town is to
• 44:50
  Speaker 2: like pretend like it doesn't happen and like sweep it
• 44:53
  Speaker 2: under the rug because everybody's in your business, and that
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: feels really bad to have everybody in your business. So
• 44:57
  Speaker 2: I understand that that's kind of how that devil. But
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: we don't live in a house where we sweep our
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: problems under the rug that is dysfunctional. We don't have
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: fights and then just come back together and pretend like
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: nothing happened. We sit down and we talk it out
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: and we address it and we make sure everybody feels
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: good at the end of that resolution, right, and that
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: the repair, any repair that needs to happen happens. Any
• 45:23
  Speaker 2: strategies from moving forward in a healthy way is going
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: to happen. We're not going to stay offended and then
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: sweep it under the rug until we feel better about
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: it and then just go on with business like normal.
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: And because we don't operate that way. Now, we've got
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: a big problem between between my family and his extended family.
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: And those people shall rename fairly nameless. And it's not
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: all of his extended family. There are wonderful people in
• 45:45
  Speaker 2: his extended family. So those of you that are listening
• 45:48
  Speaker 2: that are part of that group there, you're a big bunch.
• 45:51
  Speaker 2: You're a real world big bunch. Just no, I'm not
• 45:53
  Speaker 2: talking about all of you. I'm just specifically saying that
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: there's a disruption and a relationship because we will not
• 45:59
  Speaker 2: deny in our family that my ex husband caused trauma.
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: He is forgiven for that he is loved.
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: He is.
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: I believe he's in heaven and that he has found
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: all of his peace. He was a believer, and I
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: believe he loves me and is proud of me. I
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: believe he loves his children and is proud of his
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: children and in heaven because he's been revealed, like all
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: of the truth. The demons are gone, right, the demons
• 46:24
  Speaker 2: are gone.
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: And I wish so badly for his family. You know
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: that they could find resolution, because guess what, when you
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: find resolution, you stop being offended.
• 46:31
  Speaker 2: You stop being offended, right, And it basically was like,
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: you're not allowed to say that happened. That is literally
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: what was told to my You are not allowed to say.
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: That this happened. Yeah, and that's that's not definitely.
• 46:43
  Speaker 2: And she's like, hmm, I was there. Yeah, So it
• 46:49
  Speaker 2: sounds like you're gaslighting me and trying to rip me
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: out of my reality. And that doesn't feel good to me.
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to come aroune on and so yeah,
• 46:57
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna choose to end.
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: She can again understand and you know, even their point
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: of view and understand their pain, which I think is
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: a testimon to you as a mother, because I think
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: you're the one that really has been like, you know,
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: even though they're doing this, you have to understand, you know,
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: their their pain, their where there comes from. This is
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: this was a loss that is a life changing, which
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: is another thing that you have to be capable to
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: do to stay unoffended. Yeah, to just circle it back.
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: I can absolutely resonate with the fact that this was
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: a devastating, life changing loss sure for these individuals, and
• 47:32
  Speaker 2: I grieved with them, My heart broke with them.
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: I still grieve, of course I do.
• 47:38
  Speaker 2: There are moments where I burst out and break down
• 47:41
  Speaker 2: into tears over that loss. Not because I was still
• 47:44
  Speaker 2: in love with the man, but because the way he
• 47:46
  Speaker 2: died was so freaking sad it is, and I even
• 47:52
  Speaker 2: get like, I think about how much he tried to
• 47:55
  Speaker 2: hide his addition because he was a very well he
• 48:00
  Speaker 2: was like a small town superstar. Yeah, okay, this man.
• 48:04
  Speaker 2: They had to have two visitations with his funeral, two
• 48:09
  Speaker 2: different days because the funeral home there was probably five
• 48:11
  Speaker 2: or six hundred people that attended his visitation.
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: There's so much shame that comes with addiction.
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: And so if he were on earth and still had
• 48:20
  Speaker 2: all his demons and still was operating from the limitations
• 48:23
  Speaker 2: of outside of the heavenly space. He would have so
• 48:26
  Speaker 2: much shame over how he died and that people knew
• 48:29
  Speaker 2: that he died in that way that he couldn't be
• 48:33
  Speaker 2: able to He would self distrust, like because his number
• 48:37
  Speaker 2: one goal was to hide his addictions. And he was
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: a very very functional addict for a very very long time.
• 48:42
  Speaker 2: So not so many people had no idea that he
• 48:44
  Speaker 2: had these issues, right.
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: No, he was extremely successful.
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: Very successful person. Good, He was a very successful person.
• 48:52
  Speaker 2: He was a great friend to so many people. Oh gosh,
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: baby love Donald Arma your muscle might page.
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: I mean, Donald's such a He's such a little haughty tude.
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, shine, he's like cut. I'm like, every
• 49:07
  Speaker 1: time I say it, like gos shut out your cut.
• 49:09
  Speaker 2: He's like buff. Yeah, he goes and he lifts weights
• 49:13
  Speaker 2: for almost two hours a day every day. Go for him,
• 49:15
  Speaker 2: because well not every day, but like six days a week. Well, okay,
• 49:19
  Speaker 2: we got off topic.
• 49:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so anyway, I mean, just to wrap it up
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: in terms of being unoffendable, I mean, I think it
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: all correlates. Always, it always you know, brings it full circle.
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: But if you know a great way to become unoffendable
• 49:31
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• 49:41
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• 49:46
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Guzzier, thank you for being our
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• 49:50
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• 50:00
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• 50:00
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• 50:04
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• 50:08
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• 50:15
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• 50:18
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• 50:23
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• 50:47
  Speaker 1: Wide Web, do they call it that anymore? No? Not really,
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: I don't know the world Wide Web.
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: Speaking of, you should hear what Jaguar Right has to
• 50:53
  Speaker 2: say about the Worldwide Web.
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: Oh okay, that's another podcast podcast. But while you're there,
• 50:59
  Speaker 1: go check out doctor Hensley services at the Dating dcoder
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: dot com. Because again we want to wrap this up
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: by mainly saying attachment security equals being unoffendable.
• 51:10
  Speaker 2: It does, it really does. Your nervous system can take
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: a hit man and whatever everybody else to say, the haters,
• 51:16
  Speaker 2: people that don't agree with you.
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: It's like you just start to care less. Yeah, you're
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: like I or couldn't care less?
• 51:22
  Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, I don't care.
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: It's true inner peace. And if you're looking for that
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: inner piece again, please go visit doctor Hensley at the
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: Dating dycoder dot com and help you. Yes, let her
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: help you, or, like coach Elizabeth, health you. She's also wonderful,
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: so until next time, peace, love, and perspective.