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5 Ways to Recognize a Narcissist's Fake Apology and God's input! · Toxic Relationship Podcast

0:00
SPEAKER_02: Hello and welcome back.
0:01
SPEAKER_02: I'm Shannon Alder, life coach and author of the book The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
0:06
SPEAKER_02: And I am so glad you're here today because we're going to talk about something that touches so many of us.
0:12
SPEAKER_02: Apologies that leave us feeling more confused than comforted.
0:15
SPEAKER_02: With me is Pastor Mark Oaks from Rolling Hills Church, filling in for Pastor Jake O'Connell, who is homesick with the cold, so please keep him in your prayers.
0:23
SPEAKER_02: Mark, thank you for stepping in.
0:25
SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Shannon.
0:26
SPEAKER_00: It's a joy to be here, and I'm praying for Jake as well.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: You know, when you mentioned fake apologies, my mind went straight to Matthew chapter 7, verse 16, where Jesus says, Ye shall know them by their fruits.
0:42
SPEAKER_00: An apology is not proven by pretty words, it's proven by the fruit that follows it.
0:48
SPEAKER_00: I think today we can offer real help and real hope.
0:52
SPEAKER_02: That's exactly the heart of it, Mark.
0:55
SPEAKER_02: And I want to start by asking a question many listeners have probably felt.
1:10
SPEAKER_02: Why does that happen?
1:12
SPEAKER_00: I believe it's because a genuine apology brings clarity, but a fake apology creates confusion.
1:17
SPEAKER_00: A sincere person eventually listens, takes responsibility, and changes.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: A manipulative person often uses the apology to end the conversation, restore access, or protect their reputation.
1:28
SPEAKER_00: The goal isn't repair, it's control.
1:30
SPEAKER_02: Let's unpack that.
1:32
SPEAKER_02: In the article we're discussing, there are five signs of a narcissist's fake apology.
1:36
SPEAKER_02: The first one is that the apology contains an excuse.
1:40
SPEAKER_02: We've all heard it, right?
1:41
SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry, but you made me angry.
1:44
SPEAKER_02: Or, I'm sorry, but you know how stressed I've been.
1:47
SPEAKER_02: That little word butt quietly cancels everything before it.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: Yes, and that's where Galatians 6.5 comes in.
1:56
SPEAKER_00: Every man shall bear his own burden.
2:00
SPEAKER_00: Stress may explain behavior, but it does not excuse cruelty.
2:05
SPEAKER_00: Anger may explain an emotional reaction, but it does not justify threats or humiliation.
2:13
SPEAKER_00: A sincere person might say, I was overwhelmed, but that does not excuse how I spoke to you.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: A fake apology says, I was overwhelmed, so what did you expect?
2:26
SPEAKER_00: The difference is accountability.
2:29
SPEAKER_02: So when we hear an apology, we need to ask, is this person taking responsibility, or are they merely explaining why their behavior was my fault?
2:40
SPEAKER_02: That leads to the second sign.
2:42
SPEAKER_02: The apology focuses on your reaction instead of their behavior.
2:47
SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry you feel that way is not an apology for what happened.
2:51
SPEAKER_02: It's commentary about your feelings.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: That one is so subtle and so damaging.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: The person doesn't name what they did, they aren't saying, I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of everyone.
3:02
SPEAKER_00: They're saying, I'm sorry you were embarrassed, the problem becomes your feelings, not their conduct.
3:07
SPEAKER_00: Proverbs 28.13 says, He that covereth his sins shall not prosper, but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: Confessing means honestly naming the wrong.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: You can't repent of whatever made you upset.
3:22
SPEAKER_02: Right.
3:23
SPEAKER_02: And that can make you question yourself, wondering if you're too sensitive or unforgiving.
3:29
SPEAKER_02: Meanwhile, the person who harmed you avoids examining their own behavior.
3:34
SPEAKER_02: A genuine apology is specific.
3:38
SPEAKER_02: I lied to you.
3:40
SPEAKER_02: I called you a cruel name.
3:42
SPEAKER_02: I ignored your boundary.
3:45
SPEAKER_02: Specificity matters because we cannot repair what we refuse to name.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: Now the third sign may hit home for many believers.
3:55
SPEAKER_00: The apology demands immediate forgiveness.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: I already said I'm sorry, what more do you want?
4:01
SPEAKER_00: Or you call yourself a Christian, but you won't forgive me?
4:05
SPEAKER_00: They expect one quick apology to erase months or years of harm.
4:09
SPEAKER_00: If you need time, you're accused of holding a grudge.
4:13
SPEAKER_00: But forgiveness, reconciliation, and trust are not the same thing.
4:17
SPEAKER_01: That's such an important distinction.
4:19
SPEAKER_01: Forgiveness can be a decision you make before God, so bitterness doesn't control your heart.
4:24
SPEAKER_01: Reconciliation requires both people.
4:27
SPEAKER_01: Trust must be rebuilt through consistent honesty, safety, and changed behavior.
4:32
SPEAKER_01: You can forgive someone and still decide they're not safe enough to have the same access to your life.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: And John the Baptist told the religious leaders: bring forth, therefore, fruits meet for repentance.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: Repentance has visible fruit.
4:49
SPEAKER_00: A sincerely sorry person will usually understand why trust cannot be restored immediately.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: They may be disappointed, but they'll respect your need for time.
5:02
SPEAKER_00: They won't use Scripture as a crowbar to pry open a door that their behavior caused you to close.
5:10
SPEAKER_00: God's command to forgive was never intended to become an abuser's permission slip.
5:17
SPEAKER_01: That's so freeing, Mark.
5:19
SPEAKER_01: The fourth sign is that the apology is designed to protect their image.
5:24
SPEAKER_01: You might hear, please don't tell anyone, you're going to destroy my life.
5:29
SPEAKER_01: Or, what will people at church think?
5:32
SPEAKER_01: Suddenly they're crying and devastated, but focused on what may happen to them, not on your pain.
5:39
SPEAKER_00: The Bible gives a sobering example in 1 Samuel 15.
5:44
SPEAKER_00: King Saul disobeyed God, then denied it, then blamed the people.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: Only when his excuses failed did he say, I have sinned.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: But immediately he added, Yet honor me now, I pray thee, before the elders of my people.
6:02
SPEAKER_00: Saul wanted the appearance of a restored honor without the heart of genuine repentance.
6:08
SPEAKER_00: That is image management, not remorse.
6:12
SPEAKER_02: And that's why a narcissist may behave differently in public than in private.
6:17
SPEAKER_02: In front of others, they appear humble, charming, spiritual, generous.
6:22
SPEAKER_02: Behind closed doors, they punish, belittle, deceive, or intimidate.
6:28
SPEAKER_02: If you finally speak about what happened, they may be more offended that you exposed their behavior than concerned that it occurred.
6:36
SPEAKER_00: A sincere person wants to repair your heart.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: An image-focused person wants to repair the public relations problem.
6:42
SPEAKER_00: We should ask, are they grieving because they hurt me?
6:45
SPEAKER_00: Or because someone else might learn what they did?
6:48
SPEAKER_00: That's the fruit test again.
6:50
SPEAKER_00: And that leads directly to the fifth sign.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: The behavior continues after the apology.
6:54
SPEAKER_02: Yes, this is the clearest sign of all.
6:58
SPEAKER_02: The apology may sound emotional.
7:00
SPEAKER_02: There may be tears, promises, flowers, even Bible verses.
7:05
SPEAKER_02: But after a short period of improved behavior, the same pattern returns.
7:10
SPEAKER_02: They lie again, insult you again, violate the same boundary again.
7:16
SPEAKER_02: Then another apology arrives, and the cycle starts over.
7:20
SPEAKER_02: An apology without change can become part of the abuse cycle.
7:24
SPEAKER_00: 2 Corinthians 7.10 says, For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation, not to be repented of, but the sorrow of the world worketh death.
7:38
SPEAKER_00: Godly sorrow produces change.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: Worldly sorrow is just being sorry that the situation got uncomfortable.
7:48
SPEAKER_00: We also see the seriousness of dishonesty in Acts chapter 5 with Ananias and Sapphira.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: They wanted the reputation for generosity without the sacrifice.
8:02
SPEAKER_00: God cares about truth, especially when someone uses a false image to gain spiritual admiration.
8:10
SPEAKER_02: That story is so sobering.
8:12
SPEAKER_02: It shows that God is not fooled by religious language, public charm, or performative remorse.
8:20
SPEAKER_02: So if someone uses scripture to pressure you into accepting repeated mistreatment, what should a believer do?
8:26
SPEAKER_00: I love this point.
8:28
SPEAKER_00: Jesus forgave, but he did not entrust himself to everyone.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: John 2 24 says, but Jesus did not commit himself unto them because he knew all men.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: Jesus practiced discernment.
8:47
SPEAKER_00: You are not failing God when you pay attention to a destructive pattern.
8:52
SPEAKER_00: You are not unchristian because you need time.
8:54
SPEAKER_02: So then what does a genuine apology actually look like?
9:00
SPEAKER_02: The article lists several elements: naming what they did without minimizing it, listening to how it affected you, accepting responsibility without blaming you, showing concern for your pain, respecting boundaries, making amends, seeking help, and demonstrating change consistently.
9:25
SPEAKER_02: That's a high bar, but it's realistic.
9:28
SPEAKER_00: And a healthy apology might sound like this.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: I lied to you and it damaged your ability to trust me.
9:35
SPEAKER_00: You did not deserve that.
9:36
SPEAKER_00: I understand why you need distance.
9:38
SPEAKER_00: I am going to get help and become more honest, whether or not you decide to continue this relationship.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: Notice it leaves room for consequences.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: Zacchaeus in Luke 19 didn't just say he felt bad, he offered to repay those he had wronged.
9:53
SPEAKER_00: Action followed his words.
9:55
SPEAKER_01: So the strongest apology is not just I'm sorry.
9:58
SPEAKER_01: It's I understand what I did, I accept responsibility, I will respect the consequences, and I am changing my behavior.
10:07
SPEAKER_01: That empowers the listener to stop focusing only on words and start examining the pattern.
10:12
SPEAKER_01: What has actually changed since the apology?
10:15
SPEAKER_00: That's the final question.
10:17
SPEAKER_00: Not what did they promise?
10:19
SPEAKER_00: Not how emotional did they become?
10:22
SPEAKER_00: Not how many Bible verses did they quote?
10:25
SPEAKER_00: What actually changed?
10:27
SPEAKER_00: Did the lying stop?
10:29
SPEAKER_00: Did the insults stop?
10:32
SPEAKER_00: Did they respect the boundary?
10:34
SPEAKER_00: Did they seek counseling or accountability?
10:37
SPEAKER_00: Did they repair what they damaged?
10:40
SPEAKER_00: You don't need to judge someone's soul to recognize the fruit of their behavior.
10:46
SPEAKER_02: And that's so freeing.
10:48
SPEAKER_02: God alone knows the heart completely, but you are allowed to make wise decisions based on what a person repeatedly chooses to do.
10:56
SPEAKER_02: An apology may open the door to repair, but it cannot replace repair.
11:01
SPEAKER_02: Words can begin repentance, only changed behavior demonstrates it.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: Proverbs 12.22 says, lying lips are abomination to the Lord, but they that deal truly are his delight.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: God is a God of truth.
11:15
SPEAKER_00: He does not ask you to call deception love, manipulation repentance, or repeated harm reconciliation.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: You may forgive while maintaining distance.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: You may pray for someone without returning to the same destructive cycle.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: Love and wisdom can coexist.
11:30
SPEAKER_02: That's a beautiful summary, Mark.
11:32
SPEAKER_02: I want to circle back to something you said earlier about forgiveness being a decision before God.
11:38
SPEAKER_02: Could you speak a little more to that?
11:40
SPEAKER_02: Many people feel that forgiving means they have to immediately act like nothing ever happened.
11:45
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
11:46
SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness is releasing the debt to God, so bitterness doesn't take root in your heart.
11:52
SPEAKER_00: It's a vertical act between you and the Lord.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: Reconciliation is horizontal.
11:59
SPEAKER_00: It requires the other person's genuine repentance.
12:03
SPEAKER_00: Trust is rebuilt over time through consistent honesty.
12:08
SPEAKER_00: You can forgive fully and still say, I love you, but I cannot give you the same access.
12:15
SPEAKER_00: That is not unforgiveness, that is wise stewardship of your heart.
12:20
SPEAKER_01: That distinction helps so much because abusive people often weaponize scripture.
12:24
SPEAKER_01: They say, God says you have to forgive as a way to bypass consequences.
12:29
SPEAKER_01: But as you said, God's command to forgive was never intended to become an abuser's permission slip.
12:35
SPEAKER_01: If someone is using the Bible to pressure you into accepting repeated mistreatment, that is spiritual manipulation.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: Yes, and scripture also teaches wisdom, accountability, and truth.
12:49
SPEAKER_00: Jesus confronted hypocrisy and allowed people to experience the consequences of rejecting truth.
12:59
SPEAKER_00: You can have compassion for someone without giving them unrestricted access to you.
13:07
SPEAKER_00: Paying attention to a destructive pattern is not bitterness, it is discernment.
13:14
SPEAKER_00: 1 John 4:1 says, Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God.
13:25
SPEAKER_02: So as we wrap up, what would you say to a listener who has been trapped in this cycle of fake apologies maybe for years, and they're just now realizing they aren't crazy, that the problem isn't their sensitivity.
13:37
SPEAKER_00: I'd say, first, you are not alone and you are not failing God by seeing the truth.
13:43
SPEAKER_00: The Holy Spirit gives discernment.
13:45
SPEAKER_00: Second, examine the fruit, not the tears, not the promises, but the pattern.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: Third, allow yourself to need time.
13:53
SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness can be immediate.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: Trust must be earned.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: And fourth, seek safe community and wise counsel.
14:00
SPEAKER_00: Godly accountability can help you see clearly and walk in freedom.
14:04
SPEAKER_02: That is such practical, hopeful guidance.
14:06
SPEAKER_02: And I want to add one more thing from the article.
14:09
SPEAKER_02: You do not need to judge someone's soul to recognize the fruit of their behavior.
14:14
SPEAKER_02: You may forgive while maintaining distance.
14:17
SPEAKER_02: You may pray for them without returning to the same destructive cycle.
14:21
SPEAKER_02: You may love them as a child of God without abandoning the wisdom God has given you.
14:26
SPEAKER_00: Exactly, Shannon.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: A real apology does more than ask you to forget the past, it helps create a safer future.
14:32
SPEAKER_00: So watch the fruit.
14:33
SPEAKER_00: Listen to the words, but pay attention to the pattern.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: A sincere apology accepts responsibility, respects boundaries, and produces change.
14:41
SPEAKER_00: Anything less may simply be another way of keeping you trapped.
14:45
SPEAKER_02: Mark, you mentioned Zacchaeus earlier as an example of genuine repentance, but I'd love to go a little deeper.
14:51
SPEAKER_02: Some listeners may wonder: if someone is truly repentant, should they expect the relationship to go back to normal quickly?
14:59
SPEAKER_02: What does that kind of changed behavior actually look like over time?
15:03
SPEAKER_00: That's a great question, Shannon.
15:05
SPEAKER_00: In Luke 19, Zacchaeus didn't just feel bad, he stood up and said, Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor, and if I have taken anything from any man by false accusation, I restore him fourfold.
15:20
SPEAKER_00: He named the harm, he accepted responsibility, and he took concrete steps to make amends.
15:26
SPEAKER_00: Over time, changed behavior means consistent honesty when no one is watching, respecting the boundaries you set, seeking accountability, and not pressuring you to forget.
15:35
SPEAKER_00: Trust is rebuilt in small, quiet choices.
15:38
SPEAKER_02: I think that's so important because many people feel pressure to rush reconciliation.
15:45
SPEAKER_02: They think if they've forgiven, they must immediately return to the same relationship.
15:51
SPEAKER_02: But you're saying trust is rebuilt in small, quiet choices.
15:57
SPEAKER_02: Could you give a practical example of what that might look like for someone dealing with a chronically deceptive spouse, for instance?
16:05
SPEAKER_00: Certainly.
16:06
SPEAKER_00: If a spouse has lied repeatedly, a practical step might be full transparency with devices, attending counseling consistently, and allowing the injured person to ask questions without defensiveness.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: It might look like the deceptive spouse saying, I understand you need space to heal, and I will respect that.
16:22
SPEAKER_00: It's not about punishment.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: It's about proving through daily actions that the words align with reality.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: 2 Corinthians 7.11 says, true repentance produces earnestness, clearing of yourselves, indignation, fear, desire, zeal, and vindication.
16:37
SPEAKER_00: That's a rich fruit.
16:38
SPEAKER_02: That picture is really helpful, Mark, because it takes repentance out of the vague realm of I feel bad and puts it into measurable actions.
16:47
SPEAKER_02: Transparency, counseling, answering questions.
16:51
SPEAKER_02: It also protects the injured person from being pressured into a false piece.
16:56
SPEAKER_02: I think many listeners need to hear that trusting the fruit doesn't make them harsh, it makes them wise.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely, Shannon.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: Wisdom is not the same as bitterness.
17:08
SPEAKER_00: Proverbs 4 7 says, wisdom is the principal thing.
17:13
SPEAKER_00: Therefore, get wisdom, and with all thy getting, get understanding.
17:19
SPEAKER_00: When you watch the fruit, you are not playing God, you are practicing discernment.
17:25
SPEAKER_00: A changed pattern is the best evidence that repentance is real.
17:31
SPEAKER_00: And that is the hope of the gospel.
17:34
SPEAKER_00: God can transform anyone, no matter how broken.
17:38
SPEAKER_00: But transformation shows up in the day-to-day.
17:42
SPEAKER_00: Remember, God's kindness leads us to repentance, but His wisdom teaches us to verify that repentance by its fruit.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: Let love be genuine, but let trust be earned through consistent visible change.
18:00
SPEAKER_00: That is not cynicism, it is walking in the light.
18:04
SPEAKER_00: So watch the pattern and hold on to hope.
18:08
SPEAKER_00: God sees you, and that is enough.
18:12
SPEAKER_00: Truly.
18:13
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to this episode of the Toxic Podcast.
18:16
SPEAKER_01: Make sure you find us on YouTube and subscribe.
18:18
SPEAKER_01: Leave us a thumbs up and visit ShannonAlder.com to learn about upcoming books.
18:23
SPEAKER_01: If you subscribe to my newsletter, you will get 20% off my next book when it comes out on Amazon.
18:30
SPEAKER_01: Before we close, Mark, I know you wanted to share a scripture and pray over our listeners who are dealing with this very topic.
18:36
SPEAKER_01: Would you do that for us?
18:38
SPEAKER_01: And after that, I'll say a final goodbye.
18:41
SPEAKER_00: I would be honored.
18:42
SPEAKER_00: Let me read Psalm 34, 18.
18:46
SPEAKER_00: The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart, and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
18:56
SPEAKER_00: Now, let's pray.
19:00
SPEAKER_00: Dear Heavenly Father, I lift up every listener who has been wounded by fake apologies and manipulation.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: Bring clarity where there has been confusion, encourage where there has been fear.
19:16
SPEAKER_00: Help them distinguish genuine repentance from false remorse.
19:21
SPEAKER_00: Give them wisdom to set healthy boundaries and the grace to forgive without enabling further harm.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: Surround them with safe people and your healing truth.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: In Jesus' name, Amen.