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Transforming Your Inner Critic: From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion With Guest Dana Williams · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to episode 68.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: My special guest this week is Dana Williams.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Dana is the founder of Redeemed Identity, a ministry to the divorced Christian.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: She's the host of the podcast Rise and Reclaim After Divorce how to Live as a Divorced Christian.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: On her show she addresses the significant resource gap for those facing divorce within the Christian community.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Despite the abundance of books on divorce, there is little guidance on healing from both the separation and the judgment from church peers.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: The struggle to rebuild identity as God's divorced child is real and many yearn for guidance on their continued purpose in His kingdom.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Her mission and she has chosen to accept it is to encourage divorced Christians to rise, reclaim, redeem and step out into their destiny and call.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: This ministry and podcast are rooted in the belief that God's plans for us continue beyond the end of a marriage.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Her podcast speaks to those who have walked through fear, shame, loss and depression, feeling as though their dreams were shattered with the judge's stamp on the divorce certificate.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: If this resonates with you, please know that you're not alone.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: Together, we will rise, reclaim and redeem our identities, stepping into our call in Christ.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: Dana and I are going to be spending the next two weeks talking about self-talk.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: We're going to just jump right back in.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Dana.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad you're here today.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: But we have both learned how important our self-talk is, especially you with your business as a life coach Self-talk everything kind of starts and finishes with our self-talk, and I've learned that years ago.
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: It doesn't go from our brain into our spirit very easily.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: Do you find that?
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I do.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: Well, let me say this Our negative self-talk, I feel like, goes in quicker than the positive.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: Do you find that to be true?
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Yep, it's my default.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: Yes, it's default and we have to change that default.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: But I find that it's like, well, I'm doing something wrong and we downplay anytime anyone compliments us or tells us we've done a good job, because we're like yeah, if you only knew what was behind, what's down deep in here, what I think about myself every day, you wouldn't believe that, like you wouldn't be saying this right, right, right.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: And we do that when we go through major life transitions like divorce, our self-talk just can be very toxic.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: At least for me, that's what I found.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: I mean, you know, and in a future broadcast we're going to talk about the talk or that, what filters in from the church in terms of judgment.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: But but even in my own brain it's like why could you not have have taken what I call the plague in our marriage one more time?
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: Why couldn't I have done it for one more year?
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: Or maybe this would be the time that everything changes.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: And it starts with that.
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: And then comes the shaming messages.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: Or for some women, like you've probably had in your business, for some women, like you've probably had in your business, they're like what did I do wrong in the marriage?
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: Why doesn't he love me?
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: Why doesn't he want to stay in the marriage?
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: Or a hundred million things it could be a hundred million things.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Well, one of the things and I'm sure that you've experienced it and I know the women that I have talked to over and over again when I talk to myself negatively or when I start saying, as in divorce, right, let's just use that because that's where we're both coming from.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: Right, because that's where we're both coming from, when we start talking bad about ourselves or negatively to ourselves, I almost think and I can't.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: I'm not, this isn't scientific, it's not proven, but I would think, okay, I know for me that this is how I think God is talking to me.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: Yes, oh, that's good, I've taken over God's role and I am beating myself up.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: I don't believe God's going to beat us up, going to course correct and he's going to, you know, convict us of where we're wrong and how we need to make amends and forgiveness and all of those things.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: But I don't think God.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: Let me rephrase that I don't believe God sits up there and is talking to me like I talk to myself.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: I just don't.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: That is so good.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: I'm so glad you brought that up, because we really do superimpose our voice into God, and a lot of this comes from our upbringing.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: I don't know about you, but I had a perfectionist mom.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: She was a wonderful mom, but she was codependent.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: You know, my dad was an alcoholic, so there was a lot of codependency and she was a high perfectionist.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: She did everything really well, and so when I make mistakes, I hear her.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: I hear in my head oh Dana, why did you do it that way?
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: Oh, dana, and even I'm 63 years old, I still hear bless her heart.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: She's up in heaven going.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: Oh Dana, stop it.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: But it's true, it's true.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: And when I realize this I think, oh Lord, what have I done to my children?
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: I've had this conversation with them.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: Guys, I'm so sorry.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: If you hear my voice, it's not the Lord, it's not the Lord A hundred percent?
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, it's so, and I mean it ties in because of our upbringing, right Ties into, especially if you're a believer and you've been in church for a long time.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Now, if you're not a believer and you've not been in church for very long, this statement is not for you, you.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: But if you've been a believer and been in church since you were, as we say in Texas, a knee-high to a grasshopper, then you automatically assume that not only the negative self-talk is God speaking to you, but it's also the church, because we associate the church and God as the same.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: And they're not.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's good.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: The church is man-made Good.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: We associate the church and God as the same, and they're not.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's good.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: The church is man-made, the buildings correct, correct.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: But and you and I've talked about before the judgment and the criticism and the shaming that comes from that it doesn't.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: That doesn't help myself.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: Talk Correct, my self-talk is still going to you could have done better.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: You could have done this.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Like you said, I could have done this one more year.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: You could have done.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: And the answer is no, because I don't believe for one second that God wanted me to stay in there one more second, because it was detrimental to me, as I'm sure it was for you.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: And that is not what he wants.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: And I'm not saying go get divorced.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: In fact, I just counseled someone this week.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: She was sitting in church and she texted me and she goes.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: I'm sitting here in church alone Googling when is it okay for a Christian to get divorced?
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: Oh, that breaks my heart.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: And my immediate response is don't do it.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: Do everything you can to not fight for it, because it's worth fighting for.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: And whether or not he's still not sure where he stands with Jesus, he's been around you long enough and seen the people that you spend time with to know that God is a real person and a real being, so please fight.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: And a real being, so please fight.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: One of the things that, when we talked about doing this, you brought up a quote in a book that you were reading.
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: Do you remember that?
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, I've got it right here, oh gosh.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, it's powerful, it's powerful.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: And we'll be sure and put the link of the book in the show notes, but it's.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: It's a Lisa Turkhurst devotional book called seeing beautiful again, and I picked it up.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: I'm not even sure how I got this book, cause I didn't personally.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: Somebody must've given it to me.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: But it's 50 devotions and I have two, two ladies that I'm talking to, and just horrible, messy divorces, and so I was like maybe this is a good resource for them.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: It's that's called seeing beautiful again, and in the second day it talks about the best place to park your mind.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: And obviously we know she says this, and this is a direct quote from the book, on page 18.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: It says lies that are unattended to affect the perceptions we form, perceptions we form eventually become the beliefs we carry, and then the beliefs we carry determine what we see.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: That's why we must be so careful to recognize where lies are affecting us.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: Our faith can get fractured by the lies we let inform our beliefs.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: And this next line is the kicker for me.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: She says I've come to realize that what makes faith fall apart isn't doubt.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: Let me say it again I've come to realize that what makes faith fall apart is not doubt.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: It's being too certain of the wrong things.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Certain of the wrong things.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: Ah, mic drop Right, holy cow, it's not our doubt, it's just that we're so certain that we're right.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: But trust me, god and I have these conversations all the time and I always lose and will continue to lose.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: But we have these conversations on the regular because I believe a certain way, I talk to myself in that same way and because I think that I'm right.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Then it puts a little fracture in what I know to be true.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I mean, it's dangerous in the long run.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: Very.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: If you do that over a period of time that'll eventually lead to you no longer having a faith to believe in.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: You know, and that's fascinating that you say that because my daughter went to Bible college, that you say that because my daughter went to Bible college and she's got several friends who went through Bible college and I mean, learned all this stuff, but now they've walked away from the Lord, going.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: I just don't know if it's real or if it's right.
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: So, but where did the lie come in and start to change the truth?
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: And that's what I think a lot of our self-talk does, is we talk to ourself in a series of lies and, simply, maybe it's because of the way we were raised, maybe it's because of what our ex-former spouse said.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: What, if it's, you know, maybe it's something your parents used to say, like, oh, dana, which is people would say, well, that's not a big deal, well, no, it's the tone.
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: And what they're not hearing is the tone that I hear in my head, which is shame, message, shame, message, shame, message.
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: And she didn't mean to.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: She just, you know she didn't understand why I was not thinking like she was thinking or doing what she was doing.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: But so we're raised with this process of self-talk that eventually can morph into lies.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: We believe those lies and it really does shape how we perceive ourselves, we perceive our children, our life circumstance, our children, our husbands, our wives, and it changes everything.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: And that's why you know, you and I, when we were first talking about this at the end of the year, around Christmas time, we're like, yes, let's talk about this Because when I started to work on that part of me, I changed so much in me.
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: Changed, I wouldn't say I changed.
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: I allowed the truth to start to enter my self-talk.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: You just have to let the truth set you free from that bondage, that garbage that you'd been feeding yourself for a long time.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: That's good.
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: Yes, and I didn't really see it like that until you just said that.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: I'm like, wow, that is so true.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: I just wanted to change the negative.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: I feel like sometimes in the Peanuts we grew up on Peanuts, the cartoon so Linus, the dirty blanket and the dust bunnies that followed him, that's what I feel like our negative self-talk is to give a picture to it.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the diatribe that we hear in our head.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: And so we have our Linus blanket and we're walking around with the self-talk and there's just this dust cloud around us and it's changing our behaviors.
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: And so one of the things when we've gone through a major transition in our life, like divorce or any major transition, is our self-talk can really determine the direction that we choose to heal in.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: We can sit in a puddle of our own self-talk and it can become putrid and start to smell.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Or we can start to replace our self-talk and of course, our default yours and my default is always the Word of God.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: But you can start to replace that self-talk with either affirmations I do it with declarations out of the word and I insert myself into those things.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: That's kind of been my process on how to pull out of it.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: First you have to recognize it.
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: Yes, I don't know about you, but I don't always recognize that I'm carrying around my dirty blanket.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: Oh, I do, Because then I bring myself up even more for beating myself up in the first place.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: I'm just saying that's true, that's true, that's true, that's true.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: But to me, my self-talk had so many different voices to it that it took me a while to sift through what was real and what was imagined.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: And what was Dana?
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: What was God?
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: That's where I struggled, god, that's where I struggled.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no, I agree with that and I want to counter that, if it's okay, because I feel like you've made that segue pretty well.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: But when we negative self-talk ourselves to death literally, like I mean, we just beat ourselves up.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: The other side of that coin is if someone tells us we're doing a good job, we don't know how to accept it and just say thank you, because why, we've been led to believe.
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: If you hear too much of that, at least for me, tony I'm going to get a big head and arrogant and proud about it because I'm doing such a great job.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: I'm not doing a great job Right, and so we kind of downplay the thank you, or hey, you pulled it during this, or you really did a great thing.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Meanwhile you know that while you were doing the thing, you were bad, talking yourself the entire time, praying it was going to go right.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: It's like a vicious circle, and so we're afraid to even accept a thank you or a congratulations because we're so fearful then that we're going to be arrogant and prideful Eventually.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: We may not be the first couple of times, but so all that to say like we have to learn to let the people around us that we trust the kids our closest friends.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: That you know that we do life together.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: You know I've got six ladies that they know all the junk, they know about everything when the bodies are buried.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: But they don't let me get away with even that and I'm so grateful for that because they're like you're doing a good job, you did a good thing, that's so.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: Whatever, thank you, it doesn't matter.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: And we have to learn to what that truth, because it is truth.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: Yes, start to seep in the places where we're cracked and start to heal that part of us where we've beaten ourselves up, and nothing is better than the word.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: I mean, my goodness, look at the book of Psalm.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: I mean David.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, I mean, my goodness, look at the book of Psalm.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: I mean David.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I mean just a little bit of looking, david, david, david, david.
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: I mean just crying out and letting God speak to him and put him in the right place at the right time.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: Can you imagine having to wait and not get all puffed up knowing you're about to be king of Israel For what?
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: I don't know?
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: I'm not a biblical scholar I'm going to say 30 years, 15 years, it was a long time.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: It was a long time.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: And he just kept, even in the midst of the most awful moments, because he was human.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: I can only assume that he beat himself up when he's hiding in a cave from Saul and Saul's trying to kill him.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: Right, and he persisted and was determined to let God speak over him, and true, yes, even when he was sinful, even when he's not perfect, which, as you and I both know, we're human, we're right there in that same camp.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: But letting God speak to you and hiding the word in your heart and knowing scripture that you can, you know, confront that negative self-talk.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: Put note cards on your bathroom mirror.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: That's what I do.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: Yes, you know, sometimes I write it in an Expo marker on my bathroom mirror.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's good.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: Write it in an Expo marker on my bathroom mirror.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's good.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: Just write it down, you know, because I need reminders often, because I'm so prone to going back to the default of just ripping myself to pieces.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I want to just take a minute and thank Dana for being here.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: Minute, and thank Dana for being here and I hope that you'll join us next week as we continue this conversation on self-talk and as we delve a little bit further into it.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: The next week we're going to start talking about some things that you can do to combat that negative self-talk, and we've touched on a couple of little ones here, but for the most part, next week we're going to hit some things pretty hard and love for you to be here.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: I just know that as women even men we self-talk and berate ourselves all the time, and so, as we continue this conversation, I would just give you a call to action this next week to just listen to yourself.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: What are you saying to yourself and try to figure that out.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: I appreciate you being here and we'll continue the conversation next week.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: I'll see you then.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: Continue the conversation next week.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: Thank you.