Latest / The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast / Stereotype Tree

Transcript

Stereotype Tree · The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast

0:00
Hello friends. I'm driving home. I thought I would call you guys and bore the
0:04
absolute shit out of you. You're welcome.
0:06
You're welcome. I don't know. What do you guys want to hear first?
0:08
I have a Love is Blind segment I'd like to talk about. I have a lot of opinions about that.
0:12
And I'd also like to talk about a lawnmower. And I'd also like to talk about
0:16
Thanksgiving. Do you have preferences?
0:19
Love is Blind. Sure. I can talk about Love is Blind. I actually watch Love is
0:23
Blind blind. I don't know if you've ever done this.
0:26
And I don't think I'm the first one to come up with this. As a matter of fact,
0:29
I know I'm not because I watch TikTok.
0:31
And what I usually do since the first iteration is I'll listen to it at work.
0:36
Like I'll push play and then put my phone in my pocket and just listen.
0:42
And I suggest that you do this because it's, in my opinion, how it should be viewed, ideally.
0:49
Because then you formulate an image in your brain of the fucking moron talking.
0:54
And I don't listen. I know I have been hard on men on this show. I know I have.
0:59
And I'm trying to give men the benefit of the doubt sometimes on occasion here and there.
1:05
Not all the time. But I mean, on occasion, yeah, I've been trying to be like,
1:08
okay, you know, there are good men in the world. There's electric Gary's everywhere.
1:13
And give people a break. Okay, so I'm watching Love is Blind,
1:17
or I'm listening to it, I should say.
1:18
And there are some real fucking dummies on the show. And I know people joke
1:23
about, oh, you know, I wish I had the confidence of a mediocre white man.
1:27
It's like they found every single mediocre white man in Boston and the surrounding
1:33
area and put them on this fucking show with some pretty smart, successful women.
1:40
Not all of them. Some of them are a little bit...
1:46
There's a few standouts in my brain about which guys I hated the most while listening.
1:51
There was one guy named John, and he's talking to someone named Sarah.
1:57
Great name. And Sarah's very smart. She's on the top of the list for a lot of these guys.
2:03
For good reason. She's smart. She's patient. Friendly.
2:08
A lot of things I'm interested in, too, honestly. And John starts talking about...
2:13
He has MS, and he starts talking about COVID.
2:17
And vaccines, and he didn't like being told what to do, and,
2:22
you know, even though he has MS and could potentially die, he didn't want to
2:26
take the vaccine, and she very gently explained to him,
2:29
you know, she works in a hospital, she has a master's degree,
2:32
and she gently explained,
2:34
that he's a fucking idiot, which I'm sorry, but, like, if I were on a dating
2:37
show, I know, I'd only make it on Love is Blind, really, and I could only really
2:41
go on 10-second dates, because any more than 10 seconds with me is far too much i think,
2:46
and if you ask my co-workers i'm pretty sure they'd agree,
2:49
yeah i like,
2:51
okay i'm gonna spoil okay there's spoilers here and if you haven't watched it
2:55
all you're not going to so i'll just ruin it for you uh it turns out this woman
3:00
with a master's degree works in a hospital very smart.
3:05
She she's engaged to the to the anti-vaxxer who also thinks that women get abortions,
3:11
late-term abortions, because they just didn't handle it earlier,
3:16
which she had to correct him on.
3:17
Like, what is he fucking stupid?
3:21
Does he think women are just like lazy or too lazy to get abortions?
3:25
So we go in and get abortions at six months where that is a fully formed,
3:31
full baby that very likely would survive in the outside world.
3:36
Like six months, that is a big, big baby.
3:39
That is no longer a cluster of cells. That is like a fucking fully formed baby.
3:43
And he thinks women just do that out of laziness. And then he proposes to her,
3:47
and this woman says, yes, I'm sorry, what is happening here?
3:53
On what fucking planet would any, like, I'm sorry, she, what?
3:58
Like, did she ask him how he voted? I'm pretty sure we all know how he voted.
4:02
And she was just willing to, like, lower herself to his level to get married?
4:07
Like, what is the fucking matter with you, lady?
4:10
It's 2026, the year of our Lord, that this year will not fucking end.
4:15
And she's like sure i'll take this fucking incel weirdo loser who did his own
4:19
research like i'm sorry oh gross okay and then there's this chick named bonita.
4:25
Okay i i'm sorry guys i you know i'm done apologizing bonita is fucking bananas
4:32
all right i i don't know why she came on this show because she's a very attractive young woman
4:37
this situation this whole scenario is not in her favor because she's got the
4:42
personality of fucking lukewarm oatmeal,
4:46
and you can tell like you know someone like me who,
4:49
has the face for radio i've had to hustle and shuck and jive and develop what
4:54
do they call it a personality and bonita's just had to show up everywhere she's
4:59
ever been and she's fawned over and treated very well
5:03
and lusted after because she's,
5:05
gorgeous and she's never had to really bring much else,
5:09
and she's in a room with this dude and this dude is sensing that she's a little
5:13
off in the head maybe because he's not distracted by how attractive she is and
5:16
she's not used to being treated that way and she says oh i wish you could see me
5:20
it would change everything and i'm just like wow this is love is blind.
5:25
It's not, it's not, let me give you hints. It's love is blind.
5:29
And the guy she's talking to, another fucking loser.
5:31
Like he's a two and he thinks he's over there charming and like trying to be
5:36
funny. And he's got the pick of the litter. He thinks, oh, you like my voice.
5:40
He's the most grating fucking irritating vocal fry voice I've ever heard.
5:44
And he still thinks he, like, I just, I, this is where I don't understand,
5:48
understand straight people. Like, I wonder if they did a lesbian version of
5:51
this show, if it would be any better.
5:54
And I would want to see them pair two stone butches together and just see what
5:58
happens. Because they both want femmes. Like, if one opened the door to the
6:02
other and they were like, I love you no matter what.
6:04
I've known you for 15 minutes, but you're my person. Oh my god, we're exactly the same.
6:10
And then they opened it. Like, I would love to see that. That would amuse me
6:13
to no end. Oh my Christ. Can someone make that fucking happen?
6:16
Because that I want to see.
6:17
Anyway, and then there's another chick, and she's dating around.
6:21
She's also vapid and boring, and they meet, her and the fiance guy meet,
6:27
and she immediately leaves the show.
6:28
Like, I'm sorry, you can't do that. That's got to be the deal.
6:31
Like, you don't get to just leave.
6:33
And the guy that she was, like, into, okay, he had, like, an eyebrow situation
6:37
happening, but I don't think he was unattractive. He looked kind of like Guy Smiley, I guess.
6:42
She said Mitt Romney, but I don't know what Mitt Romney looks like.
6:44
And they're also, like, they're all giving each other hints about their appearance. You can't do that.
6:48
Don't tell people that your religion is Hindu.
6:51
That's not what this is all about. Don't say who people think you look like.
6:57
You can't, like, that's cheating. They need to be, like, culled.
7:00
And I just, I need some ugly people in there, okay? I need, I need some me's.
7:05
I need some me's in there. I need some twos, some threes.
7:08
They're all fucking gorgeous people, except for the guys. Oh, and the guy John, the.
7:14
Ugh, he's like a little fucking sad little man with a beard and glasses, and he just, ugh.
7:22
And the woman he's paired with is super smart and friendly and nice and beautiful,
7:27
and she even faked finding him attractive when the doors opened.
7:31
Like, fuck, I can't wait to see what happens next week.
7:33
Because I'm pretty good at predicting who's actually attracted to each other
7:37
and who is completely faking it because they don't want to be assholes on TV.
7:40
So I can't wait to watch next week, okay?
7:43
And that's it. that's it. I'm sorry. That's it. Okay. That's all I got.
7:46
Those are the only people that I remember, but I watch it again and I can see
7:49
them and I just, I have good instincts. It's like, oh yeah, I know you're just
7:54
gross. Oh, you just like to hear yourself talk.
7:56
Get it. You just like to hear, that's what I'm, that's what I'm doing right
7:59
now. All right. Next subject. Okay. So I'm at the tail end of my lawnmower repair series.
8:05
And this is the one I wanted to throw in the river. Like I.
8:11
Like the sound of music, like just spinning around and throwing this fucking
8:14
lawnmower into the river.
8:15
Cause like, you know, I, I offered my services for free cause I want to learn
8:18
shit. I want to know how to do things and I only can learn things the hard fucking
8:22
way. Cause that's how I'm wired apparently.
8:25
And this nice guy, he messaged me. I'm like, okay. He's like,
8:28
I just need a break table. I'm like, all right. So it took me forever.
8:30
He didn't have the model number.
8:32
The plate had fallen off and I could see where it used to be.
8:36
And I was like, okay. And then I'm looking and looking, I cannot fucking figure it out.
8:39
I bought the wrong cable and then lo and behold look at that heart numbers printed
8:43
right on the fucking cable and big white letters isn't that fun,
8:47
isn't that fun i just drove myself crazy for no fucking reason okay and then
8:50
it goes into this like plastic doohickey thing it runs through there and i have
8:53
to track one of those down no problem okay,
8:56
yeah get the get the cable in there finally get the get the plastic doohickey
9:00
turn it on it runs okay let's uh give this thing a tune-up and off it goes and
9:05
then the guy comes and picks it up i message him doesn't write me back for two weeks.
9:08
He's like, oh, hey, sorry, I got busy. I'm like, yeah, I don't fucking care.
9:11
Come get it or don't. Right.
9:12
And then he gets to my house and I'm like, OK, well, I'm going to wow him.
9:15
This thing's going to run like fucking like a top. That's what men say.
9:19
Like it's going to run like a top. That's what that's who I am now.
9:22
That's the level of lesbian I am. Small engine repair. Yeah. OK.
9:27
I know. I fell out of the stereotype tree and had every fucking branch on the
9:31
way down. You're right. You're right. 110%. I'm sorry.
9:35
He comes to pick it up. I go to start it in front of him. It whips the fucking
9:39
handle out of my hand, like the pull rope.
9:42
And it fucking hurt my wrist too. And I was just like, whoa,
9:45
like, why is it doing that?
9:47
I don't know, man. So I'm like, whale on it again. It starts up and it sounds
9:51
like my knees first thing in the morning.
9:53
It's just snap, crackle pop, shaking like a motherfucker. And I'm like,
9:58
what happened between the first time I started this fucking piece of shit and
10:02
like two weeks later? Like, I haven't used it. I haven't ran it anywhere.
10:06
I don't know what happened.
10:08
And he's like, sounds like a carburetor problem. And I'm like,
10:10
oh, it sounds like a carburetor problem.
10:12
It sounds like you can fucking fix it yourself, man. That's not nice.
10:15
Okay. He's a nice guy. I'm like, okay, you know what?
10:18
Can I, when do you need this thing back? Can I have some more time with it?
10:21
He's like, yeah, sure. And I'm like, listen, I'm sorry you came over here.
10:23
This was not doing this the last time I turned it on. And it wasn't.
10:26
I checked the video I sent him about running, and it did not sound like that. It sounded like great.
10:31
Okay, I'm like, all right. Okay, so it snapped the handle out of my hand.
10:34
There's a flywheel key. I'm going to look at that.
10:36
Get the little fucking thing apart. Yeah, flywheel key is creased,
10:39
and that fucks everything up. Okay, no one needs to hear about all this shit.
10:41
Okay, I'm sorry I'm boring you. This is for me.
10:44
You know, you don't leave an iTunes review. This is what you're getting. Nothing.
10:47
You're getting nothing. You're getting one star quality. Okay,
10:50
but maybe you're a lesbian.
10:51
Maybe you're sling blade maybe you're into this shit i don't know but i gotta
10:54
tell you if you're a late 40s lesbian get your fucking wrenches out because
10:57
it's time you gotta you're you're not pretty anymore maybe you're bald i don't
11:01
know maybe your leather vest is in the shop i don't know but you better be fucking handy,
11:06
we're at the handy phase of our lesbianism and you know it's true girl you know it's true okay.
11:11
I'm sorry. No friends. I have no friends. Okay. Yeah.
11:14
I go down to the, to the small engine place and I'm like, Hey,
11:18
I need a flywheel key. And they're like, okay, here you go, sir.
11:20
And I was like, okay, I got that. I didn't get, I didn't really get peppermint
11:24
patty, but it has happened. And I, I'm assuming it's going to happen with more frequency as I age.
11:29
Cause the next stage is I got to have short hair and let's face it,
11:32
I might have no hair and that's just going to have to be what happens.
11:36
Like, man, you know, like I'm okay with aging.
11:39
I did not anticipate a bald spot. Like, I didn't. I looked at my, my mom has a ton of hair.
11:45
A ton of hair. My dad had a full head of hair. Why the fuck am I bald?
11:49
And right in the middle of my already gigantic forehead?
11:52
Yeah, karma came a-calling, I guess. I don't know, man.
11:56
Anyway, okay, I get home. I put the fucking flywheel key on.
12:00
I've watched a hundred fucking videos of every single kind of old master craft,
12:06
craftsman, lawnmower. Every single one. Flywheel thing, this and that.
12:09
I'm like, oh, I'm missing a washer.
12:11
Okay, well, I'll go back. I asked chat GPT, am I missing a washer?
12:14
They're like, yeah, you're missing a washer, bitch. Get over there.
12:17
I go back, I get this washer, I get it home.
12:19
It's like a millimeter, too narrow.
12:22
And I was like, okay, well, we're getting the fucking Dremel out,
12:24
I guess. And I get the Dremel out, fucking make that hole wider,
12:27
slap it on, put it all together. Yeah, right?
12:31
Yeah. Let it run. Yeah, fucking runs, dude. Fucking runs like a motherfucker. Cut my front gas.
12:37
That's great. Turn it off. Go to start it again. won't start.
12:40
It won't fucking start. Why? Why doesn't it start when it's hot?
12:43
Good question, right? Good question. Very lesbian of you. Very good.
12:48
It won't start. Okay, what does that mean? I'm going to say coil.
12:52
That's your ignition coil. What does it do? Don't really fucking know.
12:56
Okay, I just know that when something's hot and it doesn't start, it's usually the coil.
12:59
How do I know that? I don't know. It's in my DNA.
13:03
I'm about to hit 47. The lesbian evolutionary scale says I just know shit like
13:08
that now. It's instinctual. I'm not sure why.
13:11
Take it all apart again. Okay. I'm blinking really hard because I'm super mad.
13:15
I'm like, all right, well, look at this coil. It's fucking rusty as shit.
13:19
So I get my wire wheel out. I attach it to my drill and I like rev that fucker up.
13:24
I clean it, put it back together. I gapped it. What does that mean? Not sure.
13:29
I don't really know. It means I put a business card between the fucking coil
13:32
and the flywheel and I snuggled it right back up.
13:36
All right. Start it up. It starts. I let it run for 10 fucking minutes.
13:39
Sounds great. Turn it off.
13:41
Turn it back on. Guess what? Start it. I fixed it. I fucking fixed it,
13:45
motherfucker. All right. Yeah.
13:48
And I went underneath and I'm like, huh, I'm going to take the blade off.
13:51
Oh, blade adapter. It's fucked up.
13:55
Worn down. One of the nuts is gone. Oh, yeah, don't worry. Have a spare,
13:59
because that's who I am now, all right?
14:01
I got a spare blade adapter. Put it fucking on.
14:04
Yeah, guy comes, picks it up yesterday.
14:07
Ran like a top. Best part, this fucking guy's six, four, 300 pounds. Okay.
14:12
And I, I have my little bird wrist that I can't fucking hardly do anything with.
14:15
And I've made an appointment middle of November to get somebody to fucking look at this thing.
14:19
It hurts. My wrist still fucking hurts. And I thought, okay,
14:22
it'll hurt a little while while I go back to work.
14:25
And it fuck, it just, it always hurts. It just always fucking hurts.
14:29
All right. Anyway, I'll keep you posted on that. Can't wait.
14:32
Can't wait to be accused of wanting Dr. Winter off. I don't,
14:35
I don't want to get out of work. I just want this to not fucking hurt all the time anymore.
14:40
Anyway, the guy comes to my house and I'm like, you know, hey.
14:43
I've kind of tried to figure out how to start this thing and you got to kind
14:46
of like push, pull it to the compression point and then really yank on it.
14:49
Cause like, I've got a little bird wrist, right?
14:51
And the guy goes, okay. And then he fucking, I thought he was going to pull
14:56
that rope completely off. Like, I always forget how much stronger men are.
15:00
And I'm not saying that to be dramatic. It was like alarming how quickly and
15:04
how fast he could pull that fucking thing.
15:06
I was like, whoa, okay. Well, yeah, you really clearly need my fucking coaching.
15:10
Like I thought he was going to lift that thing up and spin it around. He pulled it so hard.
15:14
Yada, yada. Look, trials, tribulations, that thing went out the door.
15:17
I saved it from a landfill or from a scrapper and he can give it to someone
15:21
else who can fucking use it till they fucking break it. Like, okay.
15:24
Yeah. Okay. All right. Last story. I want to talk about Thanksgiving.
15:29
Trying to make it quick and punchy. I enjoyed my Thanksgiving.
15:32
My cunt sister is in town I have not seen my mom,
15:35
since my sister's been in town because I refuse to go there and my mom has called
15:39
me every single day asking when I'm coming there less because she wants to see
15:42
me but more because she has a list of things she wants me to do,
15:45
and I know like a lot of my self-worth is attached to the things I can do for
15:49
people god only knows why because my mom only ever really talks to me when she wants me to do shit,
15:55
is that true yeah I mean I think so I think it's true it's uh yeah it's something
15:59
she's done that's fucked up my entire life because yeah, you know,
16:04
okay. It's not her fault. She's 83.
16:06
Nobody likes you when you're 80. Nobody likes you when you're 83.
16:11
Anyway, right. Thanksgiving. Oh, right. If you followed my last episode,
16:17
I am so out of it right now. I'm so tired. This is a terrible time to do this.
16:21
When I last left you, Ravjeet or whatever the fuck his name was, God bless him.
16:25
He fucked up my turkeys. He got two huge organic turkeys after I specifically
16:30
asked him to get smaller non-organic turkeys because I'm poor.
16:34
I called Instacart and I was like, listen, you know, yada yada.
16:38
And I'm like, I don't want to take his tip back. Like, I don't think that's
16:41
fair. He did go, he did do the job. He just, you know, completely ignored my instructions.
16:46
And I got both turkeys for free. They were 80 bucks each.
16:49
And I sent them a picture of the turkey blood all over the box.
16:54
And there was a box of candy in there. So I got my candy for free too. And that was 25 bucks.
16:59
And I'm happy as a clam. I shut right the fuck up.
17:02
So I'm set. I'm all set. We had an organic turkey for Thanksgiving.
17:05
We're going to have one more for Christmas. And you know, sometimes the little
17:10
whiny bitch gets the grease and they were very nice to me.
17:12
They didn't make me feel weird. It was just like, oh, okay, thanks.
17:17
Like I thought I was going to have a fight on my hands. And they were just like,
17:19
oh, absolutely. Yeah, we'll take care of that for you. And I was like, oh, oh.
17:23
And it was like 192 bucks just for the jerky. Like I was a fucking crazy dude.
17:29
All right. Anyway, Sugar came over, her man friend came over and my niece came
17:35
with her new boyfriend and he's black okay I know you're like well what does
17:39
that fucking matter it doesn't,
17:41
well okay okay I I was carving up the turkey and then and then I yelled out
17:46
who likes dark meat and then I looked at sugar and I was like,
17:50
oh because you know my niece is dating a black guy and I felt like oh my god
17:53
oh oh god no and but nobody looked at me and I was like Okay, awkward, I think.
17:59
I got to tell you guys, okay, he was so nice.
18:03
He sat next to Sarah's mom. And here's how I know that I want this kid to marry my niece, okay?
18:09
I was handing out hors d'oeuvres, appetizers or whatever, if you're not French, because I'm not.
18:14
And I put them on the table and he served my niece. And then he looked over
18:19
at Sarah's mom and he's like, would you like one?
18:21
And then he served her and then he served himself. And I was like,
18:25
oh, like that is something unheard of. And like that kid was fucking raised right.
18:31
And he was so nice. And he asked everyone questions. And he was like very generous
18:35
with information about himself, but not too much. And they talk sports.
18:38
And like he was able to talk about politics and he was like just like normal
18:42
he was like a nice normal young man and i hope to god they get married i know
18:46
that sounds selfish but she's brought home a couple of fucking losers right
18:50
in a row like the first guy he he was so
18:53
self-involved and like,
18:56
just talked about himself didn't ask one fucking question he had like a mullet
19:00
with like a mustache he looked like a like the villain from the minions movie
19:04
with the guy with the purple tuxedo i can't i can't remember his name but i just thought.
19:10
But i guess everybody's got a data you know like everyone's got to do that to
19:13
learn and then the next guy she brought i liked a little bit more,
19:17
but as soon as he bought a house he completely dumped her and i was just like
19:21
fuck you man like don't get me wrong if this doesn't work out which i mean i
19:24
hope it does work out because there are,
19:26
26 and 27 now like i like him and he's in a caring profession you know He cares
19:31
for people for his living.
19:33
And he talks about being a father and looking forward to that. And I was, oh.
19:38
And then I told this story at work about how happy I was that my niece had finally
19:41
met someone that was kind.
19:43
And one of my coworkers says, well, he's probably dating a bunch of people and
19:47
he's really used to meeting parents. And I was like, how dare you? God damn it.
19:53
That's not very nice. Is it true? I don't know. I hope not. I like this kid.
19:59
They can't. They're getting married, okay? But I am on call.
20:04
If you guys need to hate someone, like if you date someone and you break up,
20:07
I'll hate them. Like forever until you tell me not to and then I'll stop hating them.
20:11
But I am available to hate anyone at any time.
20:14
They break up, these two, I hate that kid. Fuck him.
20:18
Get the fuck out of me. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm in.
20:19
You want me to hate somebody, I'm there for you. That's what friends do.
20:22
They hate each other or they hate people on occasion.
20:25
Okay. All right. Oh, shit. Hang on. There's a lot going on here.
20:28
Four-way stops. They're confusing for everyone.
20:31
Okay, that's it. I'm sorry. This was really fucking boring. I don't even...
20:34
Should I put... I'll just put it up. I don't know. I got nothing to live for.
20:38
All right. I know. Life is hard, right? Life is hard.
20:43
All right. You know what? Shoot
20:44
me an email. Let me know what you think about Love is Blind. Or don't.
20:47
Don't. Go fuck yourself. Don't leave any podcast reviews. I hate that.
20:51
Don't leave one. I don't want it.
20:53
I deserve better. Listen, this is a free fucking show. There's a lot of really good shows out there.
20:58
And you're slumming it with me. So give me a fucking review. Don't be a cunt, okay?
21:04
All right. Well, have a good weekend. I'll miss you guys, kind of. Might miss you.
21:10
My wrist hurts. Okay, bye. Bye. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I hope you guys have a
21:13
great weekend. Don't call us. We'll call you. Okay, bye!