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Uncle Josh's Punkin Centre Stories - Cal Stewart · Comedy Library

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  Speaker 1: Section zero zero of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories. This
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  Speaker 1: is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the
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  Speaker 1: public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit
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  Speaker 1: LibriVox dot org. Recording by Philip Martin. Uncle Josh's Punkin
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  Speaker 1: Center Stories by Kyle Stuart. Preface and life sketch of author.
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  Speaker 1: Preface to the reader, The one particular object in writing
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  Speaker 1: this book is to furnish you with an occasional laugh,
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  Speaker 1: and the writer with an occasional dollar. If you get
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  Speaker 1: the laugh, you have your equivalent, and the writer has his.
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  Speaker 1: In Uncle Josh Weathersby, you have a purely imaginary character.
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  Speaker 1: Get one true to life, a character chuck full of
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  Speaker 1: sunshine and rural simplicity. Take him as you find him,
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  Speaker 1: and in his experiences you will observe there is a
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  Speaker 1: bright side to everything. Sincerely, Yours, Kyle Stuart, Life sketch
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  Speaker 1: of author. The author was born in Virginia on a
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  Speaker 1: little patch of land so poor we had to fertilize
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  Speaker 1: it to make break. Our family, while having cast their
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  Speaker 1: fortunes with the South, was not a family ruined by
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  Speaker 1: the war. We did not have anything when the war commenced,
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  Speaker 1: and so we held our own. I secured a common
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  Speaker 1: school education, and at the age of twelve, I left home,
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  Speaker 1: or rather home left me. Things just petered out. I
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  Speaker 1: was a slush cook on an Ohio River, packet check
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  Speaker 1: clerk in a stave and heading camp in the knobs
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  Speaker 1: of Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia. I helped lay the track
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  Speaker 1: of the M K and t R R and was
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  Speaker 1: chamber made in a livery stable. Made my first appearance
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  Speaker 1: on the stage at the National Theater in Cincinnati, Ohio,
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  Speaker 1: and have since then. Chopped cordwood, worked in a coal mine,
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  Speaker 1: made cross ties and walked them. Worked on a farm,
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  Speaker 1: taught a district school, made loaf to the big girls.
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  Speaker 1: Run a threshing machine, cut bands, fed the machine and
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  Speaker 1: ran the engine. Have been a freight and passenger brakemen,
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  Speaker 1: fired and ran a locomotive. Also a freight train conductor
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  Speaker 1: and a check clerk in a freight house, worked on
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  Speaker 1: the section. Have been a shotgun messenger for the Wells
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  Speaker 1: Fargo Company. Have been with a circus, minstrels, farce, comedy,
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  Speaker 1: burlesque and dramatic productions. Have been with good shows, bad shows,
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  Speaker 1: medicine shows and worse, and some shows where we had
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  Speaker 1: landlords singing in the chorus have played the variety houses
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  Speaker 1: in Vonneville. Houses have slept in a box car one
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  Speaker 1: night and a swell hotel the next. Have been a
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  Speaker 1: traveling salesman could spend as many yarns as any of them.
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  Speaker 1: For the past four years have made the Uncle Josh
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  Speaker 1: Stories for the Talking Machine. The Lord only knows what next.
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  Speaker 1: End of section zero zero Section zero one of Uncle
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  Speaker 1: Josh's punkin Center Stories by Kyle Stewart. This LibriVox recording
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  Speaker 1: is in the public domain. Recorded by Philip Martin My
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  Speaker 1: old Yeller Almanac, Hanging on the kitchen wall. I'm sort
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  Speaker 1: of fond of reading one thing and another, so I've
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  Speaker 1: read Promiscus like whatever come my way, and many friendly
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  Speaker 1: arguments come up between me and mother about things that
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  Speaker 1: I've been reading. Setting around a rainy day. Sometimes it
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  Speaker 1: just seemed to me that there weren't no end of books.
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  Speaker 1: Some made for useful reading and some just made for looks.
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  Speaker 1: But of all the different books I've read, there's none
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  Speaker 1: comes up at hall to my old yeller Albanac Hanging
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  Speaker 1: on the kitchen wall I've always liked amusement of the
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  Speaker 1: good and wholesome kind. It's better than a doctor, and
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  Speaker 1: it elevates the mind. So often of an evening, when
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  Speaker 1: the farm chores all were done, I joined the games.
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  Speaker 1: The boys would play. Gosh how I liked the fun.
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  Speaker 1: And once there was a minstrel troop they shored at
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  Speaker 1: our town hall, a jolly lot of fellers, bout twenty
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  Speaker 1: of them. All. Well, I went down to see them.
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  Speaker 1: But they're jokes. I know them all. Read them in
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  Speaker 1: my old Yeller almanac hanging on the kitchen wall. There
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  Speaker 1: was Ezra Hopkins, Deacon Brown, and a lot of us
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  Speaker 1: old codgers used to meet down at the grocery store
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  Speaker 1: what was kept by Jason Rogers. There, we'd said, and
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  Speaker 1: argufying most every market day, charing tobacker and whittling sticks
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  Speaker 1: to pass the time away. And many a naughty problem
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  Speaker 1: has put us on our mettle, which we felt it
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  Speaker 1: was our duty to duly solve and settle. Then, after
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  Speaker 1: they had said their say, who thought they knowed it all?
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  Speaker 1: I'd floor them with some facts I'd got from my
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  Speaker 1: old Yeller almanac hanging on the kitchen wall. It beats
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  Speaker 1: a regular Cyclopedium, that old fashioned Yeller book. An many
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  Speaker 1: a pleasant hour in reading it. I've took somehow, I've
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  Speaker 1: never tired of looking through its pages, seeing of the
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  Speaker 1: different things that's happened in all ages. One time I
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  Speaker 1: was elected the Justice of the Peace to make out
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  Speaker 1: legal documents a mortgage, your lease. Them tricks that lawyers have,
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  Speaker 1: you bet I know them all, learned em in my
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  Speaker 1: old Yeller Almanac hanging on the kitchen wall. So now
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  Speaker 1: I've been to New York, and all your sights I've seen,
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  Speaker 1: I suppose it to you city folks, I must look
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  Speaker 1: most awful green gee, wi's wat lots of fun I've
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  Speaker 1: had As I walked round the town, Havin Bunco Stairs
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  Speaker 1: asked me if I wasn't, mister Highrum Brown. I've rolled
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  Speaker 1: on all your treelolly cars, an hung on to the
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  Speaker 1: straps when we flew round the corners, set on other
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  Speaker 1: people's laughs. Havn't had no odd trouble not to bet
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  Speaker 1: at all. Read about your city and my old Yeller
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  Speaker 1: Almanac Hanging on the kitchen wall. End of My Old
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  Speaker 1: Yeller Almanac, Section zero two of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center
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  Speaker 1: Stories by Cal Stuart. This LibriVox recording is in the
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  Speaker 1: public domain. Recording by Philip Martin Uncle Josh Weathersby's arrival
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  Speaker 1: in New York. Well, for a long time I had
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  Speaker 1: my mind made up that I'd come down to New York.
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  Speaker 1: And so a short time ago, as I had my
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  Speaker 1: crops all gathered in and produce sold, I calculated as
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  Speaker 1: how it would be a good time to come down here.
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  Speaker 1: Folks at home said I'd be bunk old or have
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  Speaker 1: my pockets picked, for I'd been here more than half
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  Speaker 1: an hour. Well, I fooled them a little bit. I
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  Speaker 1: was here three days before they bunkled me. I suppose
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  Speaker 1: as how there are good many of them by Bunco
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  Speaker 1: fellows around New York. But I tell you them, their
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  Speaker 1: street care conductors take mighty good care on you. I
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  Speaker 1: was riding along in one of them cares, had my
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  Speaker 1: pocket buck ride in my hand. I left no feller
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  Speaker 1: would pick my pockets and get it as long as
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  Speaker 1: I had it in my hand, and it's shut up
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  Speaker 1: tight as a barrel when the sider's working. Well, that
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  Speaker 1: conductor feller, he just kept his eye on me and
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  Speaker 1: every little bit, and he'd put his head in the
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  Speaker 1: door and say hold fast, but I'm transgressing from what
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  Speaker 1: I started to tell you. I was riding along in
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  Speaker 1: one of them sleeping cares, comin here and along in
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  Speaker 1: the night. Sometime I felt a feller rummaging around under
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  Speaker 1: my bed, and I looked out just in time to
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  Speaker 1: see him going away with my boots. Well, I know
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  Speaker 1: the way that train was a running. He couldn't get
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  Speaker 1: off with them without breakin his durned neck. But in
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  Speaker 1: about half an hour he brought them back. Guess they
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  Speaker 1: didn't fit him. Well, I was sort of glad he
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  Speaker 1: took 'em, cause he had them all shined up, slippering
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  Speaker 1: a new tin whistle. Wow. When I got up in
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  Speaker 1: the morning, my troubles commenced. I was so crowded up
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  Speaker 1: like durned. If I could get my clothes on, and
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  Speaker 1: when I did get him on, durned if my pants
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  Speaker 1: wasn't on hind side afore and socks got all hangled
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  Speaker 1: up in that little fish net alongside of the bed,
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  Speaker 1: and I couldn't get him out. And I lost a
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  Speaker 1: brand new collar button that I traded Si Paddin Gill
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  Speaker 1: a huskin peg for and I got my right boot
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  Speaker 1: on my left foot and the left one on my
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  Speaker 1: right foot, and I was a durned badly mixed up.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't know which way the train was a running,
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  Speaker 1: and I bumped my head on the roof of the
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  Speaker 1: bed over me, and then sat down right sudden, like
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  Speaker 1: to think it over. When some feller come along and
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  Speaker 1: stepped right squire on my bunion, and I let out
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  Speaker 1: a war whoop you could have heard over in the
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  Speaker 1: next county. Well, along come that durned porter and told
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  Speaker 1: me I was a waking up everybody in the care
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  Speaker 1: Then I started in to hunt from my collar button
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  Speaker 1: because I got a right smart store by that button.
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  Speaker 1: They're warning up other one like it in punkin Cinder,
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  Speaker 1: and I thought it would be kind of doubtful if
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  Speaker 1: they'd had any like it in New York. Well, I
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  Speaker 1: see once stuck right in the wall, so I tried
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  Speaker 1: to get it out with my jack knife. When along
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  Speaker 1: came that durned black jumpin' jack dressed in soldier clothes
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  Speaker 1: and asked me what I wanted, and I told him
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  Speaker 1: I didn't want anything particular. Then he told me to
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  Speaker 1: quit ringing the bell because he was a little crazy.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't see no bell. Well, finally I got my
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  Speaker 1: clothes on, and I went into a room where they
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  Speaker 1: had rolled little troughs to wash in. An fast as
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  Speaker 1: I could pump water in the durned thing, it run
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  Speaker 1: out of a little hole in the bottom of the trough,
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  Speaker 1: so I just had to grab a handful and then
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  Speaker 1: pump some more. Well, after that, things went along pretty
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  Speaker 1: well for a right smart Why then I had a
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  Speaker 1: snack out of my carpet bag and felt pretty good. Well,
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  Speaker 1: that train got to running slower and slower till it
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  Speaker 1: stopped at every house, and when it come to a
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  Speaker 1: double house it stopped twice. I had my ticket in
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  Speaker 1: my hat and I put my head out the window
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  Speaker 1: to look at something. When the wind blew my hat
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  Speaker 1: off and I lost the durned old ticket. Wow, the
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  Speaker 1: conductor made me buy another one. I had to buy
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  Speaker 1: two tickets to ride once. But I fooled him. He
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  Speaker 1: don't know a darned thing about it, and when he
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  Speaker 1: finds it out, he's goin to be the maddest conductor
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  Speaker 1: on that railroad. I got a round trip ticket, and
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  Speaker 1: I ain't a goin back on this durned old road.
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  Speaker 1: When I got off the ferry boat down here, I
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  Speaker 1: commenced to think I was about the best lookin old
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  Speaker 1: Feller whatever. Come to New York. There was a lot
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  Speaker 1: of fellers down there, with buggies and carriages and one
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  Speaker 1: thing and another an Just the minute they seen me,
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  Speaker 1: they all commenced to holler handsome, handsome. I didn't know
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  Speaker 1: I was a durned good looking. One Feller tried to
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  Speaker 1: get my carpet bag, and another tried to get my umbrella,
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  Speaker 1: and I just told him to stand back or durned
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  Speaker 1: if I wouldn't take a wrestle out of one or
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  Speaker 1: two of 'em. Then I asked one of 'em if
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  Speaker 1: he could haul me up to the sturdy Vesson Hotel.
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  Speaker 1: And my gosh, I never heard a fellow stutter like
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  Speaker 1: that Feller did and all my life. He said yes, sir,
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  Speaker 1: And I said, well, how much are you going to
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  Speaker 1: charge me? And he said fifty's it's its sins. And
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  Speaker 1: I said, well, I guess I'll ride with you, but
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  Speaker 1: don't stop to talk about it anymore, because I'd kind
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  Speaker 1: of like to get there. Well, we started out, and
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  Speaker 1: when we stopped, we was way up at the other
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  Speaker 1: end of town where there weren't many houses. And I
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  Speaker 1: said to him, this here ain't the sturdy using hotel
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: And he said, no, sir, Sir. I said, why didn't
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  Speaker 1: you let me out at the hotel like I told you?
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: And he said, because I couldn't say what woe quick enough. Well,
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  Speaker 1: I had a great time with that feller, but I
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  Speaker 1: got here at last end of Uncle Josh Withersby's Arrival
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  Speaker 1: in New York, section zero three of Uncle Josh's Punkin
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  Speaker 1: Center Stories by Kyle Stewart. This LibriVox recording is in
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  Speaker 1: the public domain. Recorded by Philip Martin Uncle Josh in Society. Well,
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  Speaker 1: I didn't suppose when I come down here to New
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  Speaker 1: York that I was going to flop right into the
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  Speaker 1: middle of high tone society. But I guess that's just
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  Speaker 1: about what I done. You See, I had an old
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  Speaker 1: friend a living down here named Henry Higgins, and I
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  Speaker 1: wanted to see Henry. Mighty bad. Henry and me we
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  Speaker 1: was boys together down home at Punkin Center, and I
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  Speaker 1: hadn't seen him in a long time. Well, I got
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  Speaker 1: a feller to look up his name in the city almanac,
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: and he showed me where Henry lived, way up on
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  Speaker 1: a street called Avenue five. Well, when I seen Henry's
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  Speaker 1: house at JI took my breath away. I was that
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  Speaker 1: Clare shot back. Henry's house is a good deal bigger
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  Speaker 1: than the courthouse at Punkin Center. Well, at first I
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: didn't know whether to go in or not. But finally
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  Speaker 1: I mustered up my courage and I went up and
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I rang some new fangled doorbell when a feller and
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  Speaker 1: knee britches song come out and wanted to know who
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  Speaker 1: it was I wanted to see Gosh. I couldn't say
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  Speaker 1: anything for about a minute. That fella just looked to
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  Speaker 1: me like a picture I'd seen in a story book. Well,
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  Speaker 1: finally I told him I wanted to see Henry Higgins
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  Speaker 1: if it was the same Henry I used to know
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  Speaker 1: down home at Punkin Center. Well, I guess Henry he
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  Speaker 1: must have heard me talking, because he just come out
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  Speaker 1: and grabbed me by both hands and said, why, Josh Withersby,
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  Speaker 1: how do you do? Come right in? Well? He took
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  Speaker 1: me into the house and introduced me to more women
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  Speaker 1: folks than I ever seen before in all my life.
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  Speaker 1: One time, I guess they was having some kind of
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  Speaker 1: society doings at Henry's house. One old lady said to
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  Speaker 1: me my dear mister Wethersby, I am so pleased to
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  Speaker 1: meet you. I've heard mister Higgins speak about you so often.
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  Speaker 1: Well By Chilter, I got to blushing, so it come
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  Speaker 1: pretty near to setting my hair on fire. But I said, well,
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  Speaker 1: now I'm right glad to know you. You kind of
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: put me in mind the old Nancy Smith down home,
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: and Nancy she'd been trying to get married past forty
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  Speaker 1: seasons that I can remember. On well, Henry. He took
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  Speaker 1: me off into a room by myself, and when I
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: got on my store clothes and my new calfskin boots,
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: I tell you I looked about as screamchius as any
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: of them. Well, they had a dance. I think they
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: called it a caw Tillian, and that was where I
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: was right to hume. I just popped out on the floor,
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: balance to partners, swung on the corners, and cut up
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  Speaker 1: more capers than any young feller there. It just looked
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  Speaker 1: as if all the ladies wanted to dance with me.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: One lady wanted to know if I danced a German,
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: but I told her I only danced in English. Well
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: after that we had something to eat in the dining room,
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  Speaker 1: and I hadn't any more, got sought down and got
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: to eating right good. When that durned food with the
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: knee breeches on insulted me. He hand me a little
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: washbowl with a towel around it, and I told him
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: he didn't need to cast any insinuations at me, because
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: I washed my hands before I come in. If it
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: hadn't been in Henry's house, I'd have took a wrestle
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  Speaker 1: out of him. Well, they had a lot of fur
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: and dishes, something what they called beef all over mud,
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: and another what they called a Charlotte RuSHA little shaving
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: mug made out of cake and full of sweet and leather.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: Well that was mighty good eating, though it took a
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: lot of them. They wasn't very feeling. Then they handed
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: me something what they called ice cream. Looked to me
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: like a hunk of castile soap. Well, I stuck my
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: forek in it and tried to bite it, and it
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: slipped off and got inside my vest, and in less
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: than a minute I was frozen from my chin to
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: my toes. I guess I cut a caper at Henry's house.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: End of Uncle Josh in Society, Section zero four of
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: Uncle Josh's punkin Center Stories by Kyle Stewart. This LibriVox
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: recording is in the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: Uncle Josh in a Chinese laundry. I suppose I got
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: tangled up the other day with the dog gone. This
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: looking critter, I calculate I ever seen in all my
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: born days, and I've been around pretty considerable. I'd seen
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: all sorts of curiosity in monstrosities and circuses and menageries.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: But that was the first time i'd ever seen a
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: critter with his head and tail on the same end
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: you see. I said to a feller, Now, whereabouts in
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: New York, do you folks get your washing done? When
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: I left home to come down here, I allowed, I
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: had enough with me to do me. But I've stayed
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: here a little longer than I calculated, too, And if
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: I don't get some washing done pretty soon, I'll have
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: to go and jump in the river. Well, he was
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: obliging sort of feller, and he told me there was
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: a place around the corner where a feller done all
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: the washing. So I went round and there was a
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: sign on the winder that said hop quick, or hop soon,
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: or jump up and hop or some other kind of
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: drn hop And then there was a lot of figures
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: on the window that I couldn't make heading her tail
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: of it just looked to me like a chicken with
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: mud on its feet had walked over that window. Well,
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  Speaker 1: I went in to see about getting my washing done,
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  Speaker 1: and gosh, ruscumb there was one of them pigtailed heathen Chinese.
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  Speaker 1: He just looked for all the world like a picture
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  Speaker 1: on ain't Nancy Smith's teacups. I was sort of sought
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  Speaker 1: back for a minute because I said to myself, I
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: don't suppose this durned critter can talk English, but seeing
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: as how I'm in here, I might as well find out.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: So I told him I'd like to get him to
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: do some washing for me, and he commenced to talking
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  Speaker 1: some out languish lingo. Sounded to me like cider running
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: out of a jug, something like ung tung u wang.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Thing came ou ungou we any good wash? Ye? Well,
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: I understood the last of it and just took his
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: word for the rest. So I give him my clothes
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: and he'd give me a little yellow ticket that he
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: painted with a brush what he had, And I'll just
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: bet a Yoka steers again the holler in the log
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: that no living mortal man could read that ticket. It
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: looked like a fly had fell into the ink bottle
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: and then crawled over the paper. Well, I showed it
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: to a gentleman. What was a standing there when I
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: come out? And I said to him, mister, what in
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: thunder is this here thing? And he said, well, sir,
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: that's a sort of a lottery ticket. Every time you
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: leave your clothes there to have them washed, you get
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: one of them tickets, and then you have a chance
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: to draw a prize of some kind. So I said, well,
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: now I want to know how much is this blame
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: thing worth? And he said, I suppose about ten cents?
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: And I told him if he wanted my chance for
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: ten cents, he could have it. I didn't want to
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: get tangled up in any lottery gambling business with that
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: saucer face camp. So he give me ten cents and
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: he took the ticket, and in a couple of days
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: I went around to get my washing and that pigtailed
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: heathen he wouldn't let me have them because I'd lost
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: that lottery ticket. So I said, now look here, mister Hopson,
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: if you don't hop around and get me my collars
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: and cuffs and other clothes what I left here. I'll
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: be darned if I don't flop you in about a minute,
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: I will by chatter while that critter he commenced hopping
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: around and talking faster, and a bussaf could turn, and
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: all I could make out was me song lay to
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: on me Lo lo longley him save me ticky Well,
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: I seem just as plain as could be that he
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: was a trying to swim with me out my clothes.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: So I made a grab fore and in lessen a
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: minute we was a rolling around on the floor. First
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: I was on top, then mister hop Soon was on top,
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: and you couldn't have told which one of us the
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: pigtail belonged to. We upset the stove and kicked out
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: the window, and I set mister hop Soon in the
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: wash tub. And when I got out of there, I
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: had somebody's washing in one hand and about five yards
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: of that pigtail and t'other and mister hop Soon he
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: was standing there yelling, un walmost eat conky liku you young,
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: and we please be lease, belease. I had quite a
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: time with that he. End of Uncle Josh in a
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: Chinese laundry Section zero five of Uncle Josh's punkin Center
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: Stories by Cayl Stuart. This LibriVox recording is in the
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: public domain. Recording by Philip Martin, Uncle Josh in a museum.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: When I was in New York one day, I was
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: walking along down the street when I come to a
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: theater or playdoings of some kind or other. So I
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: got to looking at the pictures, and I noticed where
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: it said only ten cents to go in, and I lowed,
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: I might as well go in and see it. Well,
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: I don't suppose I'd been there over five minutes before
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: I made myself the laughing stock of everyone in there.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: I noticed a fella assating there, getting his boots blacked,
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: and there was a durned little pickpocket a picking his pocket. Well,
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to see him get robbed, so I
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: went right up to him and I said, look out, mister,
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: you are getting your pockets picked well, sir, That durn
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: cuss never said a word, and everybody commenced to laugh.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: I looked round to see what they was laughing at,
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: and it warn't no man at all, nothing, only a
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: durned old wax figure. I never felt so durned foolish
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: since the day I popped the question to Samanthy. Well,
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: then I looked around a spell longer, and there was
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: a fella what they called the human pin cushion, and
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: he was stuck chalk full of needles and pins and
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: looked like a hedgehog. He'd be a mighty handy feller
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: ready quilting. Well, then a fella come along and said,
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: everybody over to this end of the hall. Well, I
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: went along with the rest of 'em and durned my buttons.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: If there weren't a fella that had more pictures painted
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: on him than there are in a story book, well,
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: I just got to looking at him when that fella
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: what had charged said right this way, everybody, and we
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: all went into where they was having the theater doings.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: And I got sought down, and a feller come out
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: and sung a song I hadn't heard since I was
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: a youngster. Near as I can remember, it sort of
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: went this way, kind friends, I hadn't had but one
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: sleigh ride this year, and I come within one of
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: not being here. The facts I relate near as I
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: can remember. It happened sometime about last December leetour Ralou,
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: alude lee tour Ralou a ride. Oh, the lord was
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: composed of both girls and boys, all trying to outdo
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: the other in noise, and the way that we guarded
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: again the cold weather was sitting all spoon fashioned together
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: Litou Ralou Alou right to rad laid. Oh. Well, they
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: had a parrot in that place, and the way he
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: spluttered and jabbered and talked, he was a whole show
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: all to himself. Well, I bought one of them birds
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: from a feller one time. He said it was a
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: good talker. Well, I took it home and had it
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: about three months, and it never said a durned word.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: I put in most of my spare time trying to
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: get it to say Uncle Josh, but the durn critter
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: wouldn't do it. So I got mad at him one
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: day and throwed him out in the barnyard amongst the
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: chickens and left him there. Well, when I went out
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: the next morning, I tell you there was a sight
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: Half of them chickens was dead, and the rest of
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: them was scared to death, And that durned parrot had
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: a rooster by the neck up again the barn and
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: just given him an awful whipping, and every time he'd
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: hit him and say, now you say, Uncle Josh, God
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: darn you, you say Uncle Josh And of Uncle in
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: a Museum, Section zero six of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: Stories by Kyle Stewart. This LibriVox recording is in the
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: public domain. Recording by Philip Martin Uncle Josh and Wall Street.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: I used to read in our town paper down home
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: at Punkin Center, a whole lot about Wall Street, and
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: then bulls and bears and one thing and another. So
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: I just said to myself, now, Joshua, when you get
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: down to New York City, that's just what you want
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: to see. Well, when I got down to New York,
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: I got a feller to show me where it was.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: And I'll be darned if I know why they call
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: it Wall Street. It didn't have any wall around it.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: I walked up and down at about an hour and
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: a half, and I couldn't find any stock exchange or
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: see any place for water in any stock. I couldn't
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: see a pig, nor a cow, nor a sheep, nor
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: a calf, nor anything else that looked like stock to me.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: So finally I said to a gentleman. Mister, where do
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: they keep the menagerie down here? He said, what menagerie?
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: I said, the place where they've got all them bullets
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: and bears of fighting. Well, he looked at me as
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: though he thought I was crazy, and I guess he did.
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: But he said, you come along with me. Guess I
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: can show you what you want to see. Well, I
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: went along with him, and he took me up to
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: some public institution. Near as I could make out, it
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: was a lunatic asylum. Well, he took me into a
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: room about two acres and a half square, and there
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: was about two thousand of the craziest men in there
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: I ever seen in all my life. The minute I
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: sought eyes on them, I knowed they was all crazy,
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: and I'd have to humor them if I got out
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: of their lives. One feller was standing on the top
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: of a table with a lot of papers in his
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: hand and a yelling like a comanche engine, and all
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: the rest of them was trying to get at him. Finally,
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: I said to one of them, mister, what are you
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: trying to do with that feller up there on the table,
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: And he said, well, he's got five thousand bushels of wheat,
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: and we are trying to get it away from him. Well,
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: just a minute, he said that. I know for certain
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: they was all crazy, because nobody but a crazy man
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: would ever think he had five thousand bushels of wheat
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: in his coat and pants pockets. Well, when they wasn't
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: the looking, I got out of there, and I felt
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: mighty thankful to get out. There was a feller standing
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: on the front steps. He had a sort of a
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: uniform on. I guess he was superintendent of the institution.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: He talked pretty sassy to me. I said, mister, what
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: time does first card go up from town? He said
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: the first one went about twenty five years ago. I
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: said to him, is that my car over there? He said, no, sir,
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: that car belongs to the street car company. I says, well,
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: I guess I'll take it anyhow. He says, you better not.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: There's been a good many cars missed around here lately.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: I said, well, now, I want to know, is there
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: anything around here any fresher than you be? He said, yes, sir,
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: that benchure sighting on is a little fresher. They painted
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: it about ten minutes ago. Well, I got up and
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: looked down, and darned if he wasn't right. End of
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: Uncle Josh in Wall Street, section zero seven of Uncle
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: Josh's Punkin Center Stories by Kyle Stewart. This LibriVox recording
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: is in the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin Uncle
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: Josh and the Fire Department. One day in New York,
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: I thought i'd write a letter home. Well, after I
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: got it all rit, I said to the landlord of
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: the tavern, now where abouts in New York do you
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: keep the post office? And he said, what do you
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: want with the post office? So I told him I
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: just read a letter home to mother and Samantha Anne,
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: and I'd like to go to the post office and
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: mail it. And he told me, you don't have to
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: go to the post office. Do you see that little
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: box on the post there on the corner? Allowed as
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: how I did. Well, he says, you just go out
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: there and put your letter in that box and it
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: will go right to the post office. I said, well, now, gee,
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: whiz ain't that handy. Well I went out there, and
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: I had a good deal of trouble in getting the
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: box open, And when I did get it open, there
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: warn't any place to put my letter. There was a
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: lot of notes and hooks and hinges and a a
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: lot of reading. It said pull on the hook twice
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: and turn the knob or something like that. I couldn't
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: just rightly make it out. Well, I yanked on that
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: hook till I thought I'd pull it out by the roots,
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: but I couldn't get the darned thing open. Then I
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: turned on the knob two or three times, and that
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: didn't do any good. So I pulled on the hook
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: and turned on the knob at the same time, and
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: just then, I think all the fire bells in New
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: York commenced to ringing all the once. Well, I looked
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: around to see where the fire was, and a lot
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: of the fire inches and hooking ladder wagons come a
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: galloping up to where I stood, and they had a
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: big Saudi water bottle on wheels, and it busted and
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: squirted Sadi water all over me. Well, one of them
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: fire fellers, looking just like I'd seen them in pictures
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: in Ezra Hoskin's insurance papers. He come up to me
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: mattering a hornet, and he said, what are you trying
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: to do with that box? So I told him I
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: just ready let her home. And I was trying to
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: mail it. He said, why you durned, old Greenhorn. You've
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: called out the whole Fire Department of New York City. Well,
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: I guess you coulda knocked me down with a feather.
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: I said, well, you're a pretty healthy looking lot of fellers.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: It won't hurt you any to go back, will it. Well,
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: he said, there's your letter box over on the other corner.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: Now you let this box alone. Well, they all drove away,
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: and I went over to the other box. But I
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: didn't know whether to touch it or not. I didn't know,
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: but maybe i'd call out the state legislator if I
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: opened it. Well, while I was a standin there, a
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: feller come along and looked all around, and when he
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: thought they warn't anybody watching him, he opened that box
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: and comments taking the letters out. Well, I'd heard a
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: whole lot about them post office robbers when I was
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: postmaster down home in Punkin Center. So I just arrested
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: him right there. I took him by the nap of
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: the neck and flopped him right down on the sidewalk
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: and sat on him. I hollered murder, police and every
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: other thing I could think of, and a lot of
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: constables in town. Marshals come of running up, and one
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: of them said, what are you holding this man? Fur?
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: And I told him I'd caught him right in the
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: actor robbing the United States Post Office, and by Gosh,
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: I arrested him. Well, they all commenced a laughing, and
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: I found out I'd arrested one of the postmasters of
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: New York City. I lost mother's letter and she never
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: did get it. End of Uncle Josh and the Fire Department,
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: Section zero eight of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: Kyle Stewart. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: Recording by Philip Martin. Uncle Josh in an auction room.
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: I'd seen a good many funny things in New York
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: at one time and another. So the last day I
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: was there, I was packing up my traps and getting
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: ready to go home when I just concluded I'd go
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: out and buy something to remember New York by. Well.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: I was walking down the street when I come to
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: a place where there was auctioneering off a lot of things.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: I stopped to see what they had to sell. While
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: that place was just chuck full of old fashioned curiosities,
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: I saw an old book fire. They said it was
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: five hundred years old, and it belonged at one time
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: to Lewis the seventeenth or eighteenth thir Some of them
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: old rascals durned if I believe anybody could read it. Well,
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: I commenced to bedding on different things, but it just
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: looked as though everybody had more money than I did,
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: and they sort of outbid me. But finally they put
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: up an old fashioned sugar bowl for sale, and I
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: wanted to get that mighty bad because I thought as
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: how mother would like it first rate. While I commenced
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: a bidding on it, and it was knocked down to
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: me for three dollars and fifty cents. I put my
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: hand in my pocket to get my pocket book to
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: pay for it, and by gosh, it was gone. So
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: I went up to the feller that was a selling
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: the things, and I said, now look here, mister, will
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: you just wait a minute with your going at thirty
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: five minute? It thirty five once twice, three times a
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: good And he said, well, now, what's the matter with you?
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: And I said, there's matter enough. By gosh. When I
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: come in here, I had a pocket book in my
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: pocket had fifty dollars in it, and I lost it
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: somewheres around here. I wish you'd say to the feller
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: one found it that I'll give five dollars for it,
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: another fairly said make it ten, another shid give it twenty,
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: and another said go you twenty five durned if I
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: know which one of them got it. When I left,
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: they was still a bed it advice. Advice is something
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: the other fella can't use, so he gives it to you.
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: Punkin Center Philosophy end of Uncle Josh in an Auction Room,
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: Section zero nine of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: Kyle Stewart. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: Recorded by Philip Martin. Uncle Josh on a Fifth Avenue bus.
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: I was always sort of fond of riding, so I
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: guess while I was down in New York, I rode
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: on about everything they've got to ride on there. I
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: was on hoss cars and hot air cars, and then
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: skylight elevated roads. Well, I had just about come to
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: the conclusion that everstreet in New York had a different
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: kind of a street car on it, But I found
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: one that didn't have cars of any kind. I think
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: they call it New five. Well, I was standing there
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: one day, watching the people and the things go by,
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: when alta once to long come the darnedest looking contraption
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: I calculate I ever seen in my life. It was
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: a sort of a wagon, kind of a cross between
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: a bandwagon and a hayrack, and it had a pair
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: of stairs what commenced at behind end and rambled around
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: all over the wagon. I said to a gentleman standing there, mister,
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: in the name of all that's good and bad, what
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: do you call that thing? He said, well, sir, that's
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: a fifth Avenue bus. I said, well, now I want
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: to know. Can I ride on it? And he said
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: you can if you got a niffl. Well, I got
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: in and sat down, and I just about busted my
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: buttons and laughing at things. What happened in that bus?
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: There was a young lady come in and sat down,
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: and she had a little volie in her hand about
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: a foot squire. Well, she opened the volice and took
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: out a purse and shut the belie. Then she opened
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: the purse and took out a dime and shut the purse,
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: opened the police and put in the purse and shut
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: the belie. Then she handed the dime to a feller
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: shotting out on the front of the bus, and he
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: gave her a nickel back. Then she opened the belice
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: and took out the purse, shut the belie and opened
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: the purse, put in the nickel and shut the purse,
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: opened the belice and put in the purse, and shut
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: the belie, and then said stop the bus please. Well
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: I had to snicker right out, though I done my
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: best not to, but I just couldn't help it. I
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: didn't have any small change, so I handed the feller
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: a five dollar bell. Well, that feller just sat and
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: looked at it. First fell, then he said, whoa stop
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: the horses come round to the hind end of the bus,
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: and he said, who give me that five dollar bell?
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: I said I did, and it was a good one too.
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: He said, well, you come out here, I want to
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: see you. Well, I didn't know what he wanted. I
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: just made up my mind if he indulged in any
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: foolishness with me, i'd flop him in about a minute. Well,
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: I got out there and he said, now look here
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: on a stinging did you give me that five dollar bill?
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: I said, yes, sir, that's just what I done. And
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: he said, well, now, which one of the horses do
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: you want? Gosh, I don't believe i'd get him five
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: dollars for the whole turned outfit ambition, something that has
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: made one man a senator and another man a convict.
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: Punkin Center Philosophy. End of Uncle Josh on a Fifth
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: Avenue bus, Section ten of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: by Kyle Stewart. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: Recording by Philip Martin. Uncle Josh in a department store
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: one day while I was in New York. I said
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: to a feller, now, where can I find one of
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: them stores where they have pretty near everything to sell
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: what there is on the earth. And he said, I
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: guess you mean a department store, don't you. I said, well,
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: I don't know bout that. They may sell departments at
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: one of them stores, but what I want to get
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: is some muslin and some calicer. Well, he showed me
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: which way to goin. I started out an was walkin
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: along down the street lookin at things, when some feller
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: throwed a banana peelin on the sidewalk. Well, now, I
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: don't think much of a man. What throws a banana
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: peelin on the sidewalk? An, I don't think much of
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: a banana What throws a man on the sidewalk? Neither?
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: Well buy chowder. My foot hit that banana peelin an
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: I went up in the air and come down KerPlunk an.
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: For about a minute, I seen all the snores what
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: stronomy tells about an some that hain't been discovered. Well,
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: just as I was picking myself up, a little boy
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: come running across the street and he said, oh, mister,
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: won't you please do that again? My mother didn't see
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: you do it. Well, I wish I could have got
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: my hands on that little rascal for about a minute
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: and his mother would have seen me do it. I
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: found one of them stores finally, and I got on
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: the inside and told a feller what I wanted, and
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: he sent me over to a red headed girl, and
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: she sent me over to a bald headed feller. She
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: said he didn't have anything to do, only walked the
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: floor and answer questions. Well, I went up to him
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: and I said, mister, I'm sort of a stranger around here.
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: Wish you'd show me around till I do a little bargaining,
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: and he said, oh, you get out, you got hay
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: seed in your hair. Well, I just looked at that
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: bald heady his'n', and I said, well, now you hain't
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: got any hay seed in your hair, have you. Everybody
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: commenced to laughing, and he got pretty right, so he
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: said smart, like, just step this way please. Well, he
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: showed me around and I bought what I wanted, and
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: when I come to pay the feller what I had
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: to pay, it didn't look as though I was going
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: to get any of my money back. I handed him
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: a ten dollar bell and he just took it and
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: put it in a little basket and hitched it onto
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: a water and the durned thing commenced running all over
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: the store. Well, now you can just bet your boots,
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: I let out right after it. I chased it up
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: one side and down the other. I knocked down five
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: or six women clerks, and I upset five or six
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: bargain counters. I took a rastle out of that bald
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: headed feller, and just then someone commenced to holler cash,
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: and I said, yep, that's what I'm after. Well, I
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: chased that durned little basket around till I got up
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: to it, and when I did, I was right there
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: where I started from. Whiz. I never felt more foolish
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: in my life. Prosperity consists principally of contentment, for the
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: man who is contented is prosperous in his own way
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: of thinking, though his neighbors may have a different opinion.
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: Punkin Center Philosophy end of Uncle Josh in a department store,
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: Section eleven of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by Kyle Stuart.
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Recording by
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: Philip Martin. Uncle Josh's comments on the signs seen in
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: New York. I seen a good many funny things when
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: I was in New York, but I think some of
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: the signs what they got on some of the buildings
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: are about as funny as anything I ever seen in
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: my life. I was walking down the street one day
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: and I seen sign it said quick lunch. Well I
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: felt a little hungry, so I went into the restaurant
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: or boarding house or whatever they call it, and they
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: had some signs hanging on the walls in there that
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: just about made me laugh all over. I noticed one
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: sign said put your trust in the Lord. And right
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: under it was another sign what said try our mince pies. Well,
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: I tried one of them, and I want to tell
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: you right now, if you eat many of them mince pies,
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: you want to put your trust in the Lord. Well
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: I got out of there, and I walked along for
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: quite a spell, and finally I come to a store
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: what had a lot of red, white, and blue and
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: yeller and purple lights in the winder. Well, I stopped
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: to look at it because it was a pretty thing.
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: And they had a sign in that winder that just
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: tickled me. It said frog in your throat ten cents.
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't put one of them is in my throw
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: for ten dollars. Well, just a little further up the street,
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: I seen another sign what said boots blacked on the inside. Now,
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: any feller what gets his boots blacked on the inside,
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: ain't got much respect for his socks. I get mine
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: blacked on the outside. Then I come to a sign
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: what had a lot of electric lights shining on it,
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: and I could read it just as plain as day.
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: So I happened to turn around, and when I looked
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: at that sign again, it warn't the same sign at all,
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: and just then it changed right in front of my
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: very eyes, and I come to the conclusion that some
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: feller on the inside was a turning on it just
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: to have fun with folks. So I come away, But
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: I had a mighty good laugh or two watching other
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: folks get fooled, because it would turn first one way
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: and then to other, and for you could make up
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: your mind what it was, the durned thing wouldn't be
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: that at all. A little further up the street, I
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: seen a sign once said this is the door. Now
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: any darned fool could see it was a door. And
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: then I seen another sign once said walk in. Well,
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: now I wonder how in thunder they thought a feller
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: was going to come in on horseback or on a
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: bicycle or how. And then I seen another sign. It
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: was in a window and had a lot of tools
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: around it, and the sign said cast iron sinks. Well, now,
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: any darned fool don't know that cast iron sinks. Ought
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: to have someone feel his head and find out what
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: ails him. End of Uncle Josh's comments on the signs
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: seen in New York. Section twelve of Uncle Josh's Punkin
• 45:52
  Speaker 1: Center Stories by Kyle Stewart This LibriVox recording is in
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin. Uncle Josh on
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: a street car. Now, I'll just bet I had more
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: fun to the square inch while I was in New
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: York than any old feller whatever broke out of a
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: New England smokehouse. I had a little of the darnedest
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: time of riding on them street cars. What they got there, Well,
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: I wanted riding on them near as much as I
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: was running after. I'm trying to catch them. Gosh, I
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: was running after street cars and fire engines and every
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: durned thing with red wheels on it. I calculated I
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: run about a mile and a half after a feller
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: one day to tell him the water. What he had
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: in his wagon was all leaking out, And when I
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: caught up to him, I found out it was a
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: durned old sprinkling cart. Well, I got on one of
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: them street cars one day, and it was pretty crowded,
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: and there weren't any place for me to sot down,
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: so I had to hang on one of them little
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: hardest straps alongside of the car. So I got hold
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: of a strap and I was hanging on when the
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: conductor said, old man you're going to be in the
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: road there, you better move up a little further. Well,
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: I moved up a little ways and I stepped on
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: a feller's toe, and gee whiss he got maddering. No, well, hen,
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: he said, can't you see where you're a stepping? I said,
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: I guess I can, But you brought them feet in here,
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: and I've got to step somewhere. Well, everyone began to laugh,
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: and the conductor said, old man, you're making too much trouble.
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: You'll have to move forward again. And I got off
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: in the gosh durn old car. I paid him a
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: nickel to ride, but I guess I might as well
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: have walked. I was a walking pretty much all the
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: time I was in there. Well, I got onto another
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: car and I got sot down, and I never laughed
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: so much in all my life. Up in one end
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: of the car there was a little slim lady, and
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: right alongside of her was a big, fleshy lady. And
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: it didn't look as though the little slim lady getting
• 48:00
  Speaker 1: more than about two cents and a half worth of room.
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: So finally she turned around to the fleshy lady and
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: said they ought to charge by weight on this line,
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: and the big lady said, well, if they did, they
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: wouldn't have stopped for you. Gosh, I had the snicker
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: right out loud. There was a little boy satting alongside
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: of the big lady, and three ladies got into the
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: car all at once, and there weren't any place for
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: them to sat down. So the big lady said, little boy,
• 48:31
  Speaker 1: you ought to get up and let one of them
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: ladies sat down. And the little boy said, you get up,
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: and they can all shot down. Why, by that time,
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: your uncle was laughing right out. Someting Right alongside of
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: me was a lady, and she had the prettiest little baby,
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: I calculate I ever seen in all my born days.
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: I wanted to be sociable with the little feller, so
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: I just sort of waved my hand at him and said,
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: how to do baby an That lady just looked at
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: me scornful like and said, rubber well. I was never
• 49:06
  Speaker 1: more sought back. I guess you could a knocked me
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: down with a feather. I thought it was a genie
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: wine baby. I didn't know the little thing was rubber well.
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: I noticed up in one end of the car there
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: was a little round machine and the conductor had a
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: clothesline tied to it, and every time he got a nickel,
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: he had yank on that clothesline and thusted it. Said
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: in and then it set out. I couldn't tell what
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: all them little ins and outs meant, but I just
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: come to the conclusion it showed how much the conductor
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: was in and the company was out. Well, I got
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: to talking to that feller on the front end of
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: the car, and he was a pretty nice sort of
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: a feller. He showed me how everything worked and told
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: me all about it. Well, when I got off, I
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: said goodbye, mister Hope. I'll see you again sometime, and
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: he said, oh, I'll run across you one of these days.
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: I told him, by gosh, he wouldn't run across me
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: if I seen him. A coming end of Uncle Josh
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: on a street Car Section thirteen of Uncle Josh's Punkin
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: Center Stories by Kyle Stewart. This LibriVox recording is in
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin My first pair
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: of copper toad boots. There's a feeling of pleasure mixed
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: in with some pain that over my memory scoots when
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: I think of my boyhood days once again, and my
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: first pair of copper toad boots. How our folks stood
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: around when I first tried them on and bravely marched
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: out on the floor, and Father remarked their mighty good
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: fit and the best to be had at the store.
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: That night, I remember I took them to bed with
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: the rest of us, little galoots, and among other things
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: in my prayers, which I said was a reference to
• 51:08
  Speaker 1: copper told boots. And then in the morning the first
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: one on hand was me and my new acquisition, and
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: there wasn't a spot in the house that I missed,
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: from the Garrett clare down to the kitchen. Then, with
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: feelings expanding and hunting for room, I concluded I'd help
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: do the chores, for I felt as though something was
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: going to bust if I didn't get right out of doors.
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: But those boots, they were new, and the ice it
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: was slick, and I couldn't get one way or t'other,
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: and I just had to stand right there in one
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: spot and holler like thunder for mother. But troubles a blessing,
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: sometimes in disguise, For I learned right there on the
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: spot that the best sort of knowledge to have in
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: this world is that by experience taught. So though many
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: years have passed away and I've ventured on various routes,
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: I'm still trying things just as risky today as my
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: first pair of copper told boots and of my first
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: pair of copper told boots Section fourteen of Uncle Josh's
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: Punkin Center Stories by Cal Stuart. This LibriVox recording is
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: in the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin Uncle Josh
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: in Police Court. I never was in a town in
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: my life when it had as many courthouses in it
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: as New York has got. It just seemed to me
• 52:47
  Speaker 1: like ever judge in New York had a courthouse of
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: his own, and most of them courthouses seemed to be
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: alongside of some market house. There was the Jefferson Market
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: Court in the Essex Market Court, and several other courts
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: and markets and markets and courts I can't remember now. Well.
• 53:06
  Speaker 1: I used to be Justice of the Peace down home
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: at Punkin Center, and I was a little anxious to
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: see how they had a law and justice in New
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: York City. So one morning I went down to one
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: of them courthouses, and there was more different kinds of
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: people in there. Than I ever seen. Afore there was
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: all kinds of nationalities, Norwegians and Germans and Swedes, Hebrews
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: and Scandinavians, Irish and colored, folks, old and young, dirty
• 53:35
  Speaker 1: and clean, good, bad and worse. The judge he was
• 53:39
  Speaker 1: a sotting up on the bench and is saying ten days,
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: ten dollars. Geary society found an asylum case, dismiss, bring
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: in the next prisoner, and the Lord only knows what else. Well,
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: some of the cases they tried in that courthouse made
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: me snicker right out loud. They brought in a little
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: Irish and the judge said, prisoner, what is your name?
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: And the little Irish feller said, Judge, your honor, my
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: name is McGinnis, Patrick McGinnis. And the judge said, mister McGinnis,
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: what is your occupation? And the little Irish feller said,
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: Judge your honor, I am a sailor. The judge said,
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: mister McGinnis, you don't look to me as though you
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: ever saw a ship in all your life. And the
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: little Irish feller said, well, Judge your honor, if I
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: never saw a ship in my life, do you think
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: I come over from Ireland in a wagon. The judge said,
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: case dismissed. Bring in the next prisoner. Well, the next prisoner.
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: What they brought in had sort of impediment in his talk,
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: and the way he stuttered just beat all. The judge said, prisoner,
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: what is your name? And the prisoner said, Judge, your honor,
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: name is the judge he said, never mind, that'll do. Officer,
• 55:03
  Speaker 1: what is his prisoner charged with? And the officer said, Judge,
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: your honor. The way he talked sounds to me like
• 55:10
  Speaker 1: he might be charged with soadie water God. I got
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: to laughing, so I had to get right out of
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: the courthouse. It's sort of made me think of a
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: lawsuit we had down home when Jim Lawson was just
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: as of the peace. You see, it was like this
• 55:26
  Speaker 1: one spring, Cy Petingille was going out to Missouri to
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: be gone about a year, and he had sold off
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: about all his thingxcept one cow. And he didn't want
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: to part with the cow because she was a mighty
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: good milker. So he struck a bargain with lyg'e Willie.
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: Lyve's was to keep the cow pasture and feeder and
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: generally take care on him for the milk she give well,
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: finally say come home. And he went to Elijah's place
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: one day and said, well, Lyvee, I've come over to
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: get my cow, and Lyde said, come after your cow. Well,
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: if you've got any cow around here, I'll be durned
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: if I know it. CI said, well, Lyige, I left
• 56:05
  Speaker 1: my cow with you, and Lydge said, well that's a
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: year ago, and she's at her head off two or
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: three times since then. So CI said, well, Lyed's you've
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: had her milk for her keep and Lyde said, milk
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: be durned. She went dry three weeks after you left,
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: and she ain't give any milk since. And near as
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: I can figure it out, seems to me as how
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: I've pastured her and fed her all this time, and
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: she's my cow. Ci said, nod Lige, that warn't the bargain,
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: but Lyge said, bargain or no bargain, I've got her,
• 56:40
  Speaker 1: and seeing is how possession is about nine points in
• 56:43
  Speaker 1: the law, I'm going to keep her. So they went
• 56:46
  Speaker 1: the law about it all. Punkin Centner turned out to
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: hear the try well after Jim lost in it. Here
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: both sides of the case. He said, the cord is
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: compelled from the evidence sought forth in this case to
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: find for the plaintiff. The afordesaid, silas pettengill as Again
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: the defendant, the afford said, Elijah Willett, we find from
• 57:08
  Speaker 1: the evidence sought forth that the cow critter in question
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: is a valuable critter and worth mourning year's pasture and keep.
• 57:15
  Speaker 1: And therefore it is the verdict of this court that
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: the aforesaid defendant, Elijah Willet, shall keep the cow two
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: weeks longer, and then she is hissing. End of Uncle
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: Josh in Police Court, Section fifteen of Uncle Josh's Punkin
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: Center Stories by cal Stuart. This LibriVox recording is in
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin. Uncle Josh at
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: Coney Island. I'd here tell a whole lot at various
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: times about that place, what they call Coney Island, And
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: while I was down in New York, just made up
• 58:00
  Speaker 1: my mind I was going to see it. So one
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: day I got on one of them cars what goes
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: across the Brooklyn Bridge, and I started out for Coney Island.
• 58:10
  Speaker 1: Sitting right alongside of me in the car was an
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: old lady. She seemed sort of fidgeted about something or other.
• 58:16
  Speaker 1: And finally she said to me, mister, to these cars
• 58:20
  Speaker 1: stop when we get on the other side of the bridge.
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: I said, well, now if they don't, you'll get the
• 58:26
  Speaker 1: durned this bump you ever got in your life. Well,
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: we got on the other side and I got on
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: one of them trawl the Lolly cars that goes down
• 58:35
  Speaker 1: to Coney Island. I gave the feller a dollar and
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: he put it in his pocket, just the same as
• 58:41
  Speaker 1: if it belonged to him. Well, when I was getting
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: pretty near there, I said, mister, don't I get any change?
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: He said, didn't you see this sign on the car?
• 58:52
  Speaker 1: I said, no, sir, Well, he says you better go
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: and look at it. Well I went out and looked
• 58:58
  Speaker 1: at it, and that said it said this car goes
• 59:02
  Speaker 1: to Coney Island without change. Guess it did. I'll be
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: durned if I got any Well we went down there,
• 59:10
  Speaker 1: and I must say, of all the pandemonium and hubbub
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: I ever heard in my life, Coney Island beats it off.
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: About the first thing I seen there was a place
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: what they called shoot the Shoots. It looked like a
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: big horse trough stood on end one end, and a
• 59:27
  Speaker 1: duck pond into other end up in the air, and
• 59:29
  Speaker 1: they would haul a boat up to the top and
• 59:32
  Speaker 1: all get in and then come scooting down the horsetrough
• 59:35
  Speaker 1: into the pond. Well, I llowed, that'd be right, smart fun,
• 59:40
  Speaker 1: So I got into one of the boats, along with
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: a lot of other folks. I never seed before, and
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: don't care if I never see again. They yanked us
• 59:49
  Speaker 1: up to the top of that trough and then turned
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: us loose, and I just felt as though the whole
• 59:54
  Speaker 1: earth had run off and left us. We went down
• 59:57
  Speaker 1: that trough lickety split, and a woman what was sitting
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: alongside of me got scared and grabbed me round the neck,
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 1: and I said, you let go on me, you brazen
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: female critter, But she just hung on and hollered to
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 1: beat thunder, and everybody was yelling all at once. In
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 1: that durn boat was going faster and greased lightning, and
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 1: I had one hand on my pocket buck and t'other
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 1: on my hat, and we went kerse lap dab into
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 1: that duck pond, and the durn boat upsaw it and
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 1: we went into the water, and that durned female critter
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: hung on to me and hollered, save me. I'm just
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 1: a drowning. Well, the water wasn't very deep, and I
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 1: just started to wade out when along come another boat
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 1: and run over us, and under we went kers house. Well,
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 1: I managed to get out to the bank, and that
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 1: female woman said I was a base billat to not
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: rescue a lady from a watery grave. I just told her,
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 1: if she had kept her mouth shut, she wouldn't have
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 1: swallowed so much of the pond. Well, they had one
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 1: place what they called the Middleway Pleasants, and another place
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 1: what they called the Streets of k Roll, and they
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 1: had a lot of shows that going on along there. Well,
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 1: I went into one of them and sought down. And
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 1: I guess if they hadn't a shut up the show,
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 1: I'd have been sought in there yet I pardy near
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 1: busted my buttons laughing. They had a lot of gals
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: of dancing some kind of a dance. I don't know
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 1: what they called it, but it suited me first rate.
• 1:01:33
  Speaker 1: When I got home, the more I thought about it,
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: the more I made up my mind I'd learned that dance. Well,
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 1: I went out in the cornfield where none of the
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 1: neighbors could see me, and I'll be durned if I
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 1: didn't knock down about four acres of corn. But I
• 1:01:48
  Speaker 1: never got that dance right. I was the talk of
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 1: the whole community. Mother didn't speak to me for about
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 1: a week, and ain't Nancy Smith said, I was a
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: burning shame and a disgrace the village. But I noticed
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 1: Nancy has asked me a good many questions about just
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 1: how it was. And I wouldn't wonder if we didn't
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 1: find Nancy out in the cornfield one of these days.
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 1: End of Uncle Josh at Coney Island, Section sixteen of
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 1: Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by Kyl Stewart. This LibriVox
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 1: recording is in the public domain recording by Philip Martin.
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 1: Uncle Josh at the Opera, Well, I said to mother
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 1: when I left home. Now, Mother, when I get down
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 1: to New York City, I'm going to see a regular,
• 1:02:46
  Speaker 1: first class theater. We never had many theater doings down
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 1: our way. Well, there was a theater troop come to
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 1: Punkin Center along last summer, but we couldn't let them
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 1: have the opera house to show in because it was
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 1: summertime and the opera house was full of hay, and
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 1: we couldn't let them have it because we hadn't any
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 1: place to put the hay. And then about a year
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 1: and a half ago there was a troop come along
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 1: that was something about Uncle Tom's home. They left a
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 1: good many of their things behind them when they went away.
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 1: Ezrael Hoskins he got one of the mules and he
• 1:03:21
  Speaker 1: tried to hitch it up one day. Doctor says he
• 1:03:25
  Speaker 1: thinks Ezrael will be back around in about six weeks.
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 1: I traded one of the dogs to Ruben Hendrix for
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 1: a shotgun. Rube come over to the day board the
• 1:03:35
  Speaker 1: gun and shot the dog. Well, I got into one
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 1: of your theaters here, got sot down and was looking
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 1: at it, and it was a mighty fine looking picture,
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 1: with lots of lights shining on it, and I was
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 1: enjoying it first rate. When a lot of fellers come
• 1:03:51
  Speaker 1: out with horns and fiddles, and they all started into
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 1: fiddling and tooting, and all at once they pulled the
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 1: theater up, and there was a lot of folks having
• 1:04:01
  Speaker 1: a regular family quarrel. I know that wasn't any of
• 1:04:04
  Speaker 1: my business, and I sort of felt uneasy like, but
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 1: none of the rest of the folks seemed to bind
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 1: it in it, so I calculated i'd see how it
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 1: come out. Though my hands sort of itched to get
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 1: hold of one feller because I could see if he
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 1: would just go away and tend to his own business,
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 1: there wouldn't be any quarrel. Well, just then a young
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 1: feller handing me a piece of paper what told all
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 1: about the theater dons. And I got to looking at that,
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 1: and I noticed on it where it said there was
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 1: five years took place between the first part and the
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 1: second part. I know darn well I wouldn't have time
• 1:04:41
  Speaker 1: to wait and see the second part, so I got
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 1: up and went out. Well, them theater do is just
• 1:04:47
  Speaker 1: putting me in mind of something what happened down home
• 1:04:50
  Speaker 1: on the last day of school. You see, the school
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 1: teacher got all the big boys and the big girls.
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 1: And the boys they read essays, and the girls recited poetry.
• 1:05:00
  Speaker 1: One of the skinner girls recited a piece that suited
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 1: me first rate Near's I can remember. It went something
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: like this, how nice to hear the bumblebee when you
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 1: go out a fishing, but if you happen to sot
• 1:05:16
  Speaker 1: down on him, he'll spoil your disposition. I like that.
• 1:05:21
  Speaker 1: There was something so touching about it. Then the school teacher.
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 1: He got all the girls in the astronomy class, and
• 1:05:28
  Speaker 1: he dressed them up to represent the different kinds of planets.
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 1: He had one girl to represent the Sun, she was redheaded,
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 1: and another one to represent the Moon, and another one
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 1: from Mars, and another one for Jerupiter. And it looked
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 1: mighty fine, and everything was getting along first rate till
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 1: Old Jim Lawson loud he could make an improvement on it.
• 1:05:52
  Speaker 1: So he went out and got a colored girl, and
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 1: he wanted to sot her between the Sun and the
• 1:05:56
  Speaker 1: Moon and make an eclipse. And as you usual, he
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 1: busted up the whole doings and of Uncle Josh at
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 1: the Opera Section seventeen of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories
• 1:06:16
  Speaker 1: by Kyle Stuart. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
• 1:06:21
  Speaker 1: Recording by Philip Martin. Uncle Josh at del Monico's I
• 1:06:28
  Speaker 1: used to hear the summer boarders tell a whole lot
• 1:06:30
  Speaker 1: about a place here in New York kept by mister
• 1:06:33
  Speaker 1: del Monicole. There's been about ten thousand summer boarders down
• 1:06:38
  Speaker 1: the Punkin Center one time and another, and I guess
• 1:06:41
  Speaker 1: I've carried the bundles instood the grumbling from about all
• 1:06:44
  Speaker 1: of them, And when any one of them would find
• 1:06:47
  Speaker 1: fault with anything, I used to ask him where he
• 1:06:50
  Speaker 1: boarded at in New York, and they all told me
• 1:06:53
  Speaker 1: at mister Dale Monico's. So I'd come to the conclusion
• 1:06:57
  Speaker 1: that mister Dale Monico must have a right smart, pretty
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 1: good sized tavern. And I said to mother, Now, Mother,
• 1:07:04
  Speaker 1: when I get down to New York, that's where I'm
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 1: going to board at mister Dale money Co's. Well, I
• 1:07:11
  Speaker 1: got a feller to show me where it was, and
• 1:07:13
  Speaker 1: when I got on the inside, I don't suppose I
• 1:07:17
  Speaker 1: was ever more sought back in all my life. Guess
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: she could have knocked my eyes off with a club.
• 1:07:23
  Speaker 1: They stuck out like bumps on a log. Well, sir,
• 1:07:26
  Speaker 1: they had flowers and birds everywhere, and trees are setting
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 1: in wash tubs. Didn't look to me as though they
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 1: would stand much of a gale. And about one hundred
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 1: and fifty patent windmills running all to once and out
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 1: in the woods somewhere they had a band to play it.
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 1: I couldn't see them, but I could hear them. Guess
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 1: some of em was having a dance. To settle down
• 1:07:49
  Speaker 1: to dinner. I couldn't tell whether it was a society
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 1: festival or a camp meeting at feedin time. Well, one
• 1:07:57
  Speaker 1: feller come up to me and commence talking some firly whige.
• 1:08:00
  Speaker 1: I didn't understand something about bonsour Monsour. I just made
• 1:08:05
  Speaker 1: up my mind he was one of them bunkofellers, and
• 1:08:08
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't talk to him. Then another feller come up
• 1:08:11
  Speaker 1: right smart like and wanted to know if i'd have
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 1: my dinner table at the hotel or all over a card,
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 1: and I told him if it was all the same
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 1: to him, he could bring my dinner on a plate. Well,
• 1:08:23
  Speaker 1: he handed me a program of the dinner, and I
• 1:08:26
  Speaker 1: had about halfway down it and drank a bottle of
• 1:08:29
  Speaker 1: cider Pawpoy'd given me, and it got into my head
• 1:08:32
  Speaker 1: and I never felt sodurn good in all my life.
• 1:08:36
  Speaker 1: I got to singing, and a danced old Dan Tucker
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 1: right there in the dining room, and I took a
• 1:08:42
  Speaker 1: rastle out of mister Monsour Monsour, And just when I
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 1: got to enjoying myself right good, they called in a
• 1:08:48
  Speaker 1: lot of constables and it cost me sixteen dollars and
• 1:08:51
  Speaker 1: forty five cents, and then they took me out riding
• 1:08:55
  Speaker 1: in a little blue wagon with a bell on it.
• 1:08:58
  Speaker 1: They kept ringing the bell every foot of the way
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 1: to let folks know I was one of mister Delmonico's borders.
• 1:09:06
  Speaker 1: End of Uncle Josh at Delmonico's Section eighteen of Uncle
• 1:09:17
  Speaker 1: Josh's Punkin Center Stories by Kyl Stuart. This LibriVox recording
• 1:09:22
  Speaker 1: is in the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin. It
• 1:09:28
  Speaker 1: is fall. The days are getting shorter, and the summer
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 1: birds are leaving. The wind size in the treetops as
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 1: though all nature was grieving. The leaves they drop in showers.
• 1:09:42
  Speaker 1: There's a blue haze over all, and a feller is
• 1:09:45
  Speaker 1: reminded that once again it's fall. It is a glorious season.
• 1:09:51
  Speaker 1: The crops most gathered in. The wheat is in the granary,
• 1:09:55
  Speaker 1: and the oats are in the bin. A feller just
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 1: feels splendid writing harmony with awe. The old cider mill humming, gosh,
• 1:10:04
  Speaker 1: I know it's fall. I hear the bob White whistling
• 1:10:08
  Speaker 1: down by the water mill while dressed in gorgeous colors.
• 1:10:12
  Speaker 1: Is each valley, nola and hill. The cows they are
• 1:10:16
  Speaker 1: a lowing as they slowly wander home, and the hives
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 1: are just a busting with the honey in the comb.
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 1: Soon be time for husking parties or an apple paring bee.
• 1:10:29
  Speaker 1: And the signs of peace and plenty are just splendid.
• 1:10:33
  Speaker 1: For the sea. The flowers they are drooping. Soon there
• 1:10:37
  Speaker 1: won't be none at all. Old Jack frost is nipped him,
• 1:10:41
  Speaker 1: and by that I know it's fall. The muskrat has
• 1:10:45
  Speaker 1: built himself a house down by the old mill pond.
• 1:10:49
  Speaker 1: The squirrels are laying up their store from the chestnut
• 1:10:52
  Speaker 1: trees beyond. While walking through the orchard, I can hear
• 1:10:56
  Speaker 1: the ripe fruit fall. There's an air of quiet comfort
• 1:11:01
  Speaker 1: that only comes with fall. The wind is cool and bracing,
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 1: and it makes you feel first rate. And there's work
• 1:11:10
  Speaker 1: to keep you going from early until late, so you
• 1:11:14
  Speaker 1: feel like giving praises. Unto him who doeth all Nature
• 1:11:19
  Speaker 1: heaps her blessings on you at this season. And it's fall.
• 1:11:24
  Speaker 1: The nights are getting frosty, and the fire feels pretty good.
• 1:11:29
  Speaker 1: I like to see the flames creep up among the
• 1:11:32
  Speaker 1: burning wood. Away across the hilltops. I can hear the
• 1:11:36
  Speaker 1: hootile call. He is looking for his supper. I guess
• 1:11:41
  Speaker 1: he knows it's fall, And though the year is getting
• 1:11:45
  Speaker 1: old and the trees will soon be bare, there's a
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 1: satisfactory feeling of enough and some to spare for. There's
• 1:11:54
  Speaker 1: still some poor and needy who for our help do call.
• 1:11:59
  Speaker 1: So we'll care with them our blessings and be thankful
• 1:12:03
  Speaker 1: that it's fall. End of It is Falled, Section nineteen
• 1:12:15
  Speaker 1: of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by Kyle Stewart. This
• 1:12:19
  Speaker 1: LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Recording by Philip
• 1:12:23
  Speaker 1: Martin Cy Pettingill's brooms Well, one day, just shortly after
• 1:12:31
  Speaker 1: SAP season was over, we was all sotting around Ezra
• 1:12:35
  Speaker 1: Hoskin's store, talking on things in general, when up drove
• 1:12:39
  Speaker 1: Cy Pettingill with a load of brooms Well, we all
• 1:12:43
  Speaker 1: took a long breath and got ready to see some
• 1:12:45
  Speaker 1: as tall bargaining as was ever done in Punkin Center.
• 1:12:49
  Speaker 1: Because cy He could see a bargain through a six
• 1:12:52
  Speaker 1: inch plank on a dark night, and Ezra could hear
• 1:12:55
  Speaker 1: a dollar bell rattle in a bag of feathers a
• 1:12:58
  Speaker 1: mile off, and we all felt mighty heart and something
• 1:13:02
  Speaker 1: was going to happen. Well, cy He sort of stood around,
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 1: didn't say much, and Ezra got most uncommonly busy. He
• 1:13:10
  Speaker 1: had more business than a town marshal. On circus date.
• 1:13:14
  Speaker 1: Well after he had sold Aunt Nancy Smith three yards
• 1:13:17
  Speaker 1: of calicer and Reuben Hendrix a jackknife and swapped Jim
• 1:13:21
  Speaker 1: lost In a plug a tobacco for a muskrat hide.
• 1:13:24
  Speaker 1: He said, how's things over your way? Cy Cy remarked,
• 1:13:29
  Speaker 1: things was about as usual, only the water had been
• 1:13:32
  Speaker 1: most uncommon high white fork had busted loose and overflowed everything.
• 1:13:38
  Speaker 1: Sprosby's meal was washed out, and Lyve's will It's pasture
• 1:13:42
  Speaker 1: was all underwater, which made it pretty hard on the cows,
• 1:13:46
  Speaker 1: and Lyve had to strain the milk two or three
• 1:13:49
  Speaker 1: times to get the miners out of it. Whitaker's young
• 1:13:53
  Speaker 1: uns was all having measles to once, and there was
• 1:13:56
  Speaker 1: a revival going on at the Red Top Baptist Church.
• 1:14:00
  Speaker 1: Most everyone had gotten religion, and things was a running
• 1:14:03
  Speaker 1: long bout as usual. Deacon Witherspoon said, did you get religion? Si?
• 1:14:10
  Speaker 1: Si said no, Deacon, I got baptized, but it didn't
• 1:14:14
  Speaker 1: take calculated. I might as well have done it while
• 1:14:17
  Speaker 1: there was plenty of water. Thought I'd come over today, Ezra,
• 1:14:21
  Speaker 1: I've got some brooms i'd like to sell you. Ezra said,
• 1:14:25
  Speaker 1: bring them in, sigz. Spring house cleaning is coming on
• 1:14:28
  Speaker 1: and I al most likely need right smarter brooms, so
• 1:14:31
  Speaker 1: just bring them in. Si said, well, Ezra, don't say
• 1:14:35
  Speaker 1: as there's any need to crowd the mourners. Can't we
• 1:14:38
  Speaker 1: dicker on it a bit? I want cash for these brooms, Ezra.
• 1:14:42
  Speaker 1: I don't want any store trade for them. Ezra said, well,
• 1:14:46
  Speaker 1: I don't know about that. SI. Seems to me that's
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 1: a gray horse of another color. I always give you
• 1:14:52
  Speaker 1: store trade for your eggs, don't it. SI said, yes,
• 1:14:57
  Speaker 1: and that's a gray horse of another color. You never
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 1: seen a hen lay brooms, did you? Brooms? This sort
• 1:15:04
  Speaker 1: of article of commerce, Ezra? And I want cash for them? Well, Ezra.
• 1:15:09
  Speaker 1: He looked round the store and he thought for a spell,
• 1:15:12
  Speaker 1: and then he said, tell you what I'll do. Si.
• 1:15:15
  Speaker 1: I'll give you half cash and the other half trade.
• 1:15:18
  Speaker 1: How' that be? Si said, guess that'll be all right, Ezra.
• 1:15:23
  Speaker 1: Where will I put the brooms? Ezra said, put them
• 1:15:26
  Speaker 1: in the back end of the store, sigh, and stack
• 1:15:29
  Speaker 1: them up good. I han't got much room and I've
• 1:15:31
  Speaker 1: got a lot of things coming in from Boston and
• 1:15:34
  Speaker 1: New York. Well, after SI had the brooms all in,
• 1:15:37
  Speaker 1: he said, well, there they be five dozen on them.
• 1:15:41
  Speaker 1: Ezra said, sure, that's five dozen. SI said yes, counted
• 1:15:46
  Speaker 1: them on the wagon, counted them off again, and counted
• 1:15:49
  Speaker 1: them when I made them. So Ezra said, well, here's
• 1:15:53
  Speaker 1: your money. Now, what do you want in trade. CI
• 1:15:56
  Speaker 1: looked around for a spell and said, no, Ezra, don't
• 1:16:01
  Speaker 1: see anything any of our folks, particularly standing nad On.
• 1:16:06
  Speaker 1: If it's all the same to you, Ezra, I'll take brooms. Well.
• 1:16:11
  Speaker 1: Jim lost and fell off in a washtub, and Reuben
• 1:16:14
  Speaker 1: Hendrix cut his thumb with his new jack knife, and
• 1:16:17
  Speaker 1: Deacon Witherspoon said, no, sigh, that baptizing didn't take and Ezra, well,
• 1:16:24
  Speaker 1: it weren't his say. Suspicion consists mainly of thinking what
• 1:16:29
  Speaker 1: we would do if we was in the other Feller's place.
• 1:16:33
  Speaker 1: Punkin Center Philosophy, end of cy Pettengill's Brooms Section twenty
• 1:16:45
  Speaker 1: of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by Kyle Stewart. This
• 1:16:49
  Speaker 1: LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin.
• 1:16:55
  Speaker 1: Uncle Josh plays golf. Well, about two weeks ago the
• 1:17:01
  Speaker 1: boys said to me, uncle, we'd like to have you
• 1:17:04
  Speaker 1: come out and play a game of gough. Well, they
• 1:17:07
  Speaker 1: took me out behind the woodshed where mother couldn't see us,
• 1:17:11
  Speaker 1: an them durned boys dressed your uncle up in the
• 1:17:14
  Speaker 1: dog gone to suit of clothes I ever had on
• 1:17:17
  Speaker 1: in my life. I had on a pair of socks
• 1:17:20
  Speaker 1: that had more different colors in them than in Joseph's coat.
• 1:17:23
  Speaker 1: I looked like a cross between a monkey and a
• 1:17:26
  Speaker 1: circus rider and a going across the meado. Our turkey
• 1:17:29
  Speaker 1: gobbler took after me, and I had an awful time
• 1:17:32
  Speaker 1: with that fool bird. I calculate as how I'll get
• 1:17:36
  Speaker 1: even with him. About Thanksgiving time, well, the boys took
• 1:17:40
  Speaker 1: me into the pastor and they had it all dug
• 1:17:42
  Speaker 1: up into what they called a tea, and they had
• 1:17:45
  Speaker 1: a wheelbar full of little injun war clubs. They called
• 1:17:49
  Speaker 1: one a nibbler, and another brassy, and a lot of
• 1:17:52
  Speaker 1: other fool names I never heard afore and can't remember now.
• 1:17:56
  Speaker 1: Then they brought out a little wooden ball about as
• 1:17:59
  Speaker 1: big as a hen's egg, and they stuck it up
• 1:18:01
  Speaker 1: on a little hunk of mud. Then they told me
• 1:18:05
  Speaker 1: to take one of them their war clubs and stand
• 1:18:07
  Speaker 1: alongside of the ball and hit it. Well, I just
• 1:18:11
  Speaker 1: peeled off my coat, got a good holt on that
• 1:18:14
  Speaker 1: war club, and I just whaled away at that durned
• 1:18:17
  Speaker 1: little ball, and by gum, I missed it, and all
• 1:18:21
  Speaker 1: the boys all commenced to holler foozle. Well, I got
• 1:18:25
  Speaker 1: a little bit riled, and I wailed away at it again,
• 1:18:29
  Speaker 1: and I hit it right where I missed it the
• 1:18:31
  Speaker 1: first time. And I whirled around and sot down so
• 1:18:34
  Speaker 1: durned hard. I sought four back teeth to aching, and
• 1:18:37
  Speaker 1: I pawed around in the air and knocked a lot
• 1:18:40
  Speaker 1: of it out of place. I hit myself on the
• 1:18:44
  Speaker 1: shin and on the pet corn at the same time,
• 1:18:47
  Speaker 1: and them durned boys was just a rolling round on
• 1:18:51
  Speaker 1: the ground and a hollering like injins. Well, I begun
• 1:18:55
  Speaker 1: to get maddering on wet hen and I loud. I
• 1:18:58
  Speaker 1: knocked that durned little ball over into the next county.
• 1:19:02
  Speaker 1: So I rolled up my sleeves and sped on my
• 1:19:04
  Speaker 1: hands and got a good holt on that war club,
• 1:19:08
  Speaker 1: and I whirled away at that little ball again, and
• 1:19:11
  Speaker 1: by chatter, I hit it. I knocked picked Claire over
• 1:19:15
  Speaker 1: into Deacon Witherspoon's pasture and hit his old muley cow,
• 1:19:19
  Speaker 1: and she got scared and run away, jumped the fence
• 1:19:22
  Speaker 1: and went down the road, and the durned fool never
• 1:19:25
  Speaker 1: stopped a running till she went slap dab into Extra
• 1:19:29
  Speaker 1: Hoskin's grocery store. She ops up four gallons of apple
• 1:19:34
  Speaker 1: butter into a cake of soft soap, and sought one
• 1:19:37
  Speaker 1: foot into a tub of mackerel, and t'other foot into
• 1:19:40
  Speaker 1: a box of wind or glass, and knocked over Jim Larsan,
• 1:19:44
  Speaker 1: who was a satting on a cracker barrel, and broke
• 1:19:47
  Speaker 1: his derned old wooden leg. And then she went right
• 1:19:50
  Speaker 1: out through the window and scared sigh patting Gill's horses
• 1:19:53
  Speaker 1: that was a standing there, and they run away and
• 1:19:56
  Speaker 1: smashed his wagon into kenneling wood. And Silas has sued
• 1:20:01
  Speaker 1: me for damages, and mother won'ts speak to me, and
• 1:20:06
  Speaker 1: Jim he wants me to buy him a new wooden leg.
• 1:20:09
  Speaker 1: And all the neighbors say is how I ought to
• 1:20:12
  Speaker 1: be put away someplace for safe keeping, ain't Nancy Smith
• 1:20:16
  Speaker 1: got so excited she lost her glass eye and didn't
• 1:20:19
  Speaker 1: find it for three or four days, and when she
• 1:20:22
  Speaker 1: did get it back, the boys was a playin marbles
• 1:20:25
  Speaker 1: with it, and it was all full of gaps, and
• 1:20:28
  Speaker 1: Jim lost and he trimmed it up on the grindstone,
• 1:20:31
  Speaker 1: and it don't fit Nancy anymore, and she has to
• 1:20:35
  Speaker 1: sort of put it in with cotton round it to
• 1:20:37
  Speaker 1: bowl it, and the cotton works out at the corners
• 1:20:40
  Speaker 1: and scares the children. Every time I see Nancy, that
• 1:20:44
  Speaker 1: durned ice seems to look at me sort of reproachful like.
• 1:20:49
  Speaker 1: And all I know about playing golf is this the
• 1:20:53
  Speaker 1: feller what knocks the ball so during far you can't
• 1:20:56
  Speaker 1: find it, or where it does the most damage wins
• 1:21:00
  Speaker 1: the game. End of Uncle Josh Plays Golf, Section twenty
• 1:21:12
  Speaker 1: one of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by Kyle Stewart.
• 1:21:17
  Speaker 1: This LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by
• 1:21:21
  Speaker 1: Philip Martin Jim Lawson's Hogs. When it comes to raising hogs,
• 1:21:30
  Speaker 1: I don't suppose there was ever anybody in Punkin Center
• 1:21:34
  Speaker 1: that had quite so much trouble as Jim Lawson. One fall,
• 1:21:38
  Speaker 1: Jim had a right likely bunch of Shultz, but they
• 1:21:41
  Speaker 1: somehow or other he couldn't get them fat. It just
• 1:21:45
  Speaker 1: seemed like the more he fed them, the poorer they got.
• 1:21:48
  Speaker 1: And Jim, he was just worried clear down to a shatter.
• 1:21:52
  Speaker 1: He kept giving them hogs medicine and feeding of them
• 1:21:55
  Speaker 1: everything he could think of, but it warn't no use.
• 1:21:58
  Speaker 1: Every day or so one of them would lay down
• 1:22:01
  Speaker 1: and die. All the neighbors would come and lean over
• 1:22:04
  Speaker 1: the fence and talk to Jim and give him advice.
• 1:22:08
  Speaker 1: But somehow them hogs just kept on a dying, and
• 1:22:11
  Speaker 1: nobody could see what was ailing of them. Then one
• 1:22:15
  Speaker 1: day Jim come over to Ezra Hoskin's store, and he
• 1:22:18
  Speaker 1: looked as tickled as though he had found a dollar,
• 1:22:21
  Speaker 1: and he said, I want you all to come over
• 1:22:24
  Speaker 1: to my place. I found out what's ailing them hogs.
• 1:22:28
  Speaker 1: Deacon Witherspoon said, well, what is it, Jim? And Jim said, well,
• 1:22:34
  Speaker 1: you see, the ground over in my hog lot is
• 1:22:37
  Speaker 1: pretty soft, and when it rains, it DIDs right smart muddy,
• 1:22:41
  Speaker 1: and the mud gets on the hog's tails, and that
• 1:22:44
  Speaker 1: mud it gets more mud, and finally they get so
• 1:22:47
  Speaker 1: much mud on their tails that it draws their skins
• 1:22:50
  Speaker 1: so tight that they can't shut their eyes. And them
• 1:22:54
  Speaker 1: hogs are just a dying for the want of sleep. Well,
• 1:22:59
  Speaker 1: the following winter Jim had his hogs all fat and
• 1:23:02
  Speaker 1: ready for market, and he just concluded he'd drive him
• 1:23:05
  Speaker 1: to Conquered. Well, he started out, and when he had
• 1:23:09
  Speaker 1: drove him two whole days, he met old jay Bes whittaker.
• 1:23:12
  Speaker 1: Jabe said, where are you going with you hogs? Jim.
• 1:23:16
  Speaker 1: Jim said, goin to conquered jay Bess. J Bes said, well,
• 1:23:21
  Speaker 1: now I want to know that's what comes from not
• 1:23:24
  Speaker 1: reading the papers. Why, Jim, they've got more hogs up
• 1:23:28
  Speaker 1: conquered way than they know what to do with lives.
• 1:23:31
  Speaker 1: Will It took his hogs up there, and even Sprosby
• 1:23:34
  Speaker 1: took his'n and conquered just chuck full of hogs. And
• 1:23:37
  Speaker 1: so consequently the market is away down and conquered. But
• 1:23:43
  Speaker 1: the paper says it's good in Manchester and you'd make
• 1:23:46
  Speaker 1: money Jim by going there. So Jim shifted his chew
• 1:23:50
  Speaker 1: tobacco over to the northeast and said, well, boys, I
• 1:23:54
  Speaker 1: calculate we'll have to go to Manchester, so just head
• 1:23:58
  Speaker 1: the hogs off and turn em round. Well, they drove
• 1:24:01
  Speaker 1: them hogs about three days towards Manchester, And just about
• 1:24:05
  Speaker 1: when they was getting there, along come Caleb Skinner and
• 1:24:10
  Speaker 1: he said, while thunder and fish hucks, where be you
• 1:24:13
  Speaker 1: a going, Jim? And Jim said, as near as he
• 1:24:17
  Speaker 1: could figure it out from his present bearings, he was
• 1:24:20
  Speaker 1: most likely going to Manchester. And Caleb said, what fur?
• 1:24:25
  Speaker 1: Jim said, don't know exactly what all he was going, fur,
• 1:24:29
  Speaker 1: but if he ever got there, he'd most likely sell
• 1:24:32
  Speaker 1: his hogs. And Caleb said, well, you're going to the
• 1:24:36
  Speaker 1: wrong tail. Manchester has got a quarantine against any more
• 1:24:40
  Speaker 1: hogs coming. In course, what hogs they is there has
• 1:24:44
  Speaker 1: all got collery, and you better go to Conquered. Besides,
• 1:24:48
  Speaker 1: the paper says market is pretty well up and conquered. Well,
• 1:24:52
  Speaker 1: Jim said a good many things that wouldn't sound good
• 1:24:56
  Speaker 1: at a prayer meetin', and then he said, well, boys, yes,
• 1:25:00
  Speaker 1: we'll start back for conquered, so turn around. Well they
• 1:25:04
  Speaker 1: went along about two days, and then poor hogs couldn't
• 1:25:07
  Speaker 1: stand it no longer because they was just clean tuckered out.
• 1:25:12
  Speaker 1: So Jim had to sell them to Josiah Martin for
• 1:25:15
  Speaker 1: what he could get, because it was just right at
• 1:25:17
  Speaker 1: Josiah's place where the hogs get out, and there weren't
• 1:25:21
  Speaker 1: no way of moving them from there for some time
• 1:25:25
  Speaker 1: to come. Well along, about two weeks after that, we
• 1:25:29
  Speaker 1: was all over to Ezra Hoskins store and someone said, Jim,
• 1:25:33
  Speaker 1: you didn't do very well with you hogs this year,
• 1:25:36
  Speaker 1: did you? And Jim said, oh, I don't know. That's
• 1:25:40
  Speaker 1: just owinging to how you look at it. I never
• 1:25:43
  Speaker 1: caught up to that blame market, but I had the
• 1:25:46
  Speaker 1: society of the Hogs for two weeks. End of Jim
• 1:25:52
  Speaker 1: Lawson's Hogs twenty two of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories
• 1:26:03
  Speaker 1: by Kyle Stuart. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
• 1:26:08
  Speaker 1: Recording by Philip Martin, Uncle Josh and the Lightning Rod Agent. Well,
• 1:26:16
  Speaker 1: I suppose I get bunk old oftener than any feller
• 1:26:19
  Speaker 1: whatever lived in Punkin Center. A short time ago, we
• 1:26:23
  Speaker 1: wanted to build a new town hall and calculated we'd
• 1:26:26
  Speaker 1: have a brick building. And someone said, well, now, if
• 1:26:29
  Speaker 1: you'll just wait till Josh Weather's bee makes another trip
• 1:26:33
  Speaker 1: or two down to New York, there'll be gold bricksing
• 1:26:36
  Speaker 1: up a land around Punkin Center to build a new
• 1:26:39
  Speaker 1: town hall. Well, one day last summer I was sought
• 1:26:43
  Speaker 1: out on my back porch when along come one of them.
• 1:26:46
  Speaker 1: They're lying rod agents. Well, he just come right up
• 1:26:50
  Speaker 1: and commenced to talking at me, just as if he'd
• 1:26:53
  Speaker 1: been the town marshal, or a tax assessor, or like
• 1:26:57
  Speaker 1: he'd known me all his life. He said, my dear sir,
• 1:27:01
  Speaker 1: I am astonished at you. I've looked over your entire premises,
• 1:27:06
  Speaker 1: and I find you haven't got a lightning rod on
• 1:27:08
  Speaker 1: any building that you possess. Why, my dear sir, don't
• 1:27:13
  Speaker 1: you know you are flying right in the face of providence.
• 1:27:17
  Speaker 1: Don't you know that lightning may strike at any time
• 1:27:21
  Speaker 1: and demolish everything within the sound of my voice? Don't
• 1:27:26
  Speaker 1: you know that you are criminally negligent? Why am my
• 1:27:31
  Speaker 1: dear sir, I am astonished to think that a man
• 1:27:35
  Speaker 1: of your judgment, in good common sense should allow yourself
• 1:27:40
  Speaker 1: to Well. About that time, I got my breath and
• 1:27:44
  Speaker 1: my wits at the same time, and I said, now,
• 1:27:47
  Speaker 1: hold on, gosh, darn you, what have you got to
• 1:27:49
  Speaker 1: sell anyhow Well, he told me he had some lightning rods,
• 1:27:54
  Speaker 1: and he brought out a little machine and told me
• 1:27:57
  Speaker 1: to take hold of the handles and he'd show me
• 1:27:59
  Speaker 1: what a powerful thing electricity was. Well, I took hold
• 1:28:03
  Speaker 1: of them handles and he turned on a crank, and
• 1:28:06
  Speaker 1: that durned machine just made me dance all over the porch,
• 1:28:10
  Speaker 1: and it wouldn't let go. Gee whiz. I felt as
• 1:28:14
  Speaker 1: though I'd fell in the yellow jacket's nesting. About four
• 1:28:18
  Speaker 1: thousand of them was a stinging me all at once. Well,
• 1:28:22
  Speaker 1: I told him, I guess he could put up a
• 1:28:24
  Speaker 1: lightning rod or two. Seein's how I didn't have any. Well,
• 1:28:28
  Speaker 1: he went to work, and I went over to dezer Hoskins.
• 1:28:31
  Speaker 1: And when I got back home, my place was a
• 1:28:34
  Speaker 1: sight to behold. It looked like a hair turned upside down.
• 1:28:39
  Speaker 1: There was seven lightning rods on the barn, one on
• 1:28:42
  Speaker 1: the hen house, one on the corn crib, one on
• 1:28:45
  Speaker 1: the smokehouse, two on the granary, three on the kitchen,
• 1:28:49
  Speaker 1: six on my house, and one on the crab apple tree.
• 1:28:53
  Speaker 1: And when I got there, that durned food had the
• 1:28:55
  Speaker 1: old Muley cow cornered up and trying to put a
• 1:28:58
  Speaker 1: lightning rod on her. Well, I paid him for what
• 1:29:02
  Speaker 1: he had done, and I think the Lord he hadn't
• 1:29:05
  Speaker 1: done anymore. Well, he got me to sign a paper,
• 1:29:08
  Speaker 1: what said he had done a good job, and he
• 1:29:11
  Speaker 1: said he had to show that to the company. Well,
• 1:29:14
  Speaker 1: about a week after that, we had a thunderstorm, and
• 1:29:17
  Speaker 1: I think the lightning struct everything on the place except
• 1:29:21
  Speaker 1: the spring wagon and the old Muley cow, and they
• 1:29:24
  Speaker 1: didn't have any lightning rod on them. Well, I thought
• 1:29:28
  Speaker 1: I was getting off mighty lucky till next day when
• 1:29:31
  Speaker 1: along come a feller with that paper what I had signed,
• 1:29:34
  Speaker 1: And darned if it weren't a note for six hundred dollars,
• 1:29:38
  Speaker 1: and by gosh, if I didn't have to pay it
• 1:29:43
  Speaker 1: bunkoed again by Chowter energy. There's a lot of energy
• 1:29:49
  Speaker 1: in this life that is wasted. I noticed that the
• 1:29:52
  Speaker 1: man who has a good strong pipe most usually rides
• 1:29:56
  Speaker 1: in front Punkin Center Philosophy and of Uncle Josh and
• 1:30:02
  Speaker 1: the Lightning Rod Agent Section twenty three of Uncle Josh's
• 1:30:12
  Speaker 1: Punkin Center Stories by Kyl Stuart. This LibriVox recording is
• 1:30:17
  Speaker 1: in the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin a meeting
• 1:30:22
  Speaker 1: of the Annonaeus Club. Well, sometimes a lot of us
• 1:30:28
  Speaker 1: old codgers used to get down to Ezra Hoskins's grocery store,
• 1:30:32
  Speaker 1: and we'd sought around in Childmaker and whittled sticks and
• 1:30:35
  Speaker 1: eat crackers and cheese and prunes and anything Ezra happened
• 1:30:40
  Speaker 1: to have lying around loose, and then we'd get to
• 1:30:43
  Speaker 1: spinning yarns that would just about put anon Ice in
• 1:30:46
  Speaker 1: Safiy right out of business if they was here now. Well,
• 1:30:51
  Speaker 1: one afternoon we was all setting round spinning yarns when
• 1:30:54
  Speaker 1: Deacon Witherspoon said that echoes was mighty peculiar things, because
• 1:31:00
  Speaker 1: down where he was born and raised, there was a
• 1:31:03
  Speaker 1: passel of hills come together, and you couldn't get out
• 1:31:06
  Speaker 1: there and talk loud in a whisper on account of
• 1:31:09
  Speaker 1: the echo. But one day a summer boarder what was
• 1:31:13
  Speaker 1: there remarked just how he wasn't afraid to talk right
• 1:31:16
  Speaker 1: out and meeting in front of any old lot of hills,
• 1:31:19
  Speaker 1: what was ever created. So he went out and hollered
• 1:31:23
  Speaker 1: just as loud as he could holler, and he started
• 1:31:26
  Speaker 1: an echo of going, and it flew up again one hill,
• 1:31:29
  Speaker 1: and bounced off onto another one, and getting bigger and
• 1:31:33
  Speaker 1: louder all the time till it got back where it
• 1:31:37
  Speaker 1: started from and hit a stone quarry and knocked off
• 1:31:41
  Speaker 1: a piece of stone and hit that feller in the head,
• 1:31:45
  Speaker 1: and he didn't come to for over three hours. Well,
• 1:31:50
  Speaker 1: we thought that was pretty good for a deacon. Well,
• 1:31:53
  Speaker 1: none of us said anything for a right smart spell.
• 1:31:57
  Speaker 1: And then Ci Pettingill remarked he didn't know anything about echoes,
• 1:32:01
  Speaker 1: but he calculated he had seen some mighty peculiar things.
• 1:32:06
  Speaker 1: Said he guessed he had seen it rain bout as
• 1:32:09
  Speaker 1: hard as anybody ever seen it rain. Someone said, well, Cy,
• 1:32:14
  Speaker 1: how hard did you ever see it rain? And he said, well,
• 1:32:19
  Speaker 1: one day last summer down our way, it got to raining,
• 1:32:22
  Speaker 1: and it rained so hard that the drops just rubbed
• 1:32:26
  Speaker 1: together coming down, which made them so all fired hot
• 1:32:30
  Speaker 1: that they turned to steam. Why it rained, segosh, dang hard.
• 1:32:36
  Speaker 1: There was a cider barrel laying out in the yard
• 1:32:39
  Speaker 1: that had both heads out in it and the bung
• 1:32:41
  Speaker 1: hole up. While it rained so hard into that bunghole
• 1:32:45
  Speaker 1: that the water couldn't run out of both ends of
• 1:32:48
  Speaker 1: the barrel fast enough, and it swelled up and busted. Wow.
• 1:32:54
  Speaker 1: We all took a fresh charre tobaccer and nudged each other,
• 1:32:58
  Speaker 1: and Ezra Hoskin said he he didn't remember as how
• 1:33:01
  Speaker 1: he had ever seen it rain quite so hard as that,
• 1:33:05
  Speaker 1: but he had seen some mighty dry weather. He said.
• 1:33:09
  Speaker 1: One time when he was out in Kansas, it got
• 1:33:12
  Speaker 1: starnation dry. That fish a swimming up the river left
• 1:33:16
  Speaker 1: a cloud of dust behind him. And hot. Why it
• 1:33:20
  Speaker 1: got so all fired hot that one day he tied
• 1:33:23
  Speaker 1: his mule to a pin of popcorn out behind the barn,
• 1:33:27
  Speaker 1: and it got so hot that the corn got to
• 1:33:30
  Speaker 1: popping and flying around that old mule's ears, and he
• 1:33:34
  Speaker 1: thought it was snow, and laid down and froze to death.
• 1:33:39
  Speaker 1: Well about that time old Jim laws and commenced to
• 1:33:42
  Speaker 1: show signs of uneasiness. And someone said, what is it Jim?
• 1:33:47
  Speaker 1: And Jim remarked as he shifted hiss tobacker and cut
• 1:33:51
  Speaker 1: a sliver off his wooden leg. I was a thinking
• 1:33:54
  Speaker 1: about a cold spell we had one winter when we
• 1:33:57
  Speaker 1: was living down Nantucket Way. It was hog killing time,
• 1:34:02
  Speaker 1: if I remember right. Anyhow, we had a kettle of
• 1:34:05
  Speaker 1: violin water sottin on the fire, and we sought it
• 1:34:09
  Speaker 1: outdoors to cool off a little. An that water froze
• 1:34:12
  Speaker 1: so durned quick that the ice was hot. Ezra said,
• 1:34:19
  Speaker 1: guess it's about shuttin' up time. End of a meeting
• 1:34:24
  Speaker 1: of the anonaas Club, Section twenty four of Uncle Josh's
• 1:34:35
  Speaker 1: Punkin Center Stories by Cayl Stuart. This LibriVox recording is
• 1:34:39
  Speaker 1: in the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin. Jim Lawson's
• 1:34:45
  Speaker 1: horse Trade speakin of horse trading. Now, Jim Lawson was
• 1:34:50
  Speaker 1: calculated to be about the best horse trader in Punkin Center. Yes, Jim,
• 1:34:55
  Speaker 1: he could sight up on a fence, chew tobacco, whittle
• 1:34:58
  Speaker 1: a stick, an just about swap you out and your
• 1:35:00
  Speaker 1: it teeth if you'd listen to him. Yes, Jim was
• 1:35:04
  Speaker 1: some pumpkins on a swap. Jim had swap anything he
• 1:35:07
  Speaker 1: had for anything he didn't want, just to be swapping. Well,
• 1:35:12
  Speaker 1: a gypsy come along one day and tackle Jim for
• 1:35:14
  Speaker 1: a swap. And about that time, Jim he got hold
• 1:35:17
  Speaker 1: of a critter that had more cussedness in him to
• 1:35:20
  Speaker 1: the square inch than any critter with had ever sought
• 1:35:23
  Speaker 1: eyes on, except a circus mule that Ezra Hoskins owned. Well,
• 1:35:28
  Speaker 1: the gypsy traded Jim a mighty fine looking critter, and
• 1:35:32
  Speaker 1: we all calculated that Jim had right smart of a
• 1:35:35
  Speaker 1: bargain till one day Jim went to ride him and
• 1:35:39
  Speaker 1: he found out if he fetched the pesky critter on
• 1:35:42
  Speaker 1: the sides, he'd squat right down. Well, Jim noted, if
• 1:35:46
  Speaker 1: he didn't get rid of that hoss, his reputation as
• 1:35:49
  Speaker 1: a horse trader was gone forever. So he went over
• 1:35:53
  Speaker 1: into the township to see old Deacon Witherspoon. You see
• 1:35:57
  Speaker 1: the deacon. He was mighty fun to go in, and
• 1:36:00
  Speaker 1: as he had rheumatis pretty bad, it was sort of
• 1:36:03
  Speaker 1: hard for him to get around, so he had to
• 1:36:06
  Speaker 1: do his hunting on horseback. Well, Jim didn't say much
• 1:36:10
  Speaker 1: to fuss, just kind of henning around. That hunting was
• 1:36:13
  Speaker 1: gonna be mighty good this fall, because he'd singing one
• 1:36:16
  Speaker 1: or two flocks of partridges over back of Sprosby's matter,
• 1:36:20
  Speaker 1: and some right smarter quaill over by buttermilk Ford. And
• 1:36:24
  Speaker 1: finally he said, Deacon, I've got a horse you ought
• 1:36:28
  Speaker 1: to have. He's a setter. Well, you could have knocked
• 1:36:31
  Speaker 1: the Deacon's eyes off with a club. They stuck out
• 1:36:34
  Speaker 1: like bumps on a log. And he said, why, Jim,
• 1:36:37
  Speaker 1: I never heard tell of such a thing in all
• 1:36:40
  Speaker 1: my life, the idea of a horse being a setter.
• 1:36:44
  Speaker 1: Jim said, yes, Deacon, he's been trained to set for
• 1:36:47
  Speaker 1: all kinds of game. I calculated as how i'd get
• 1:36:50
  Speaker 1: a shotgun this fall and do right smart hunting. So
• 1:36:54
  Speaker 1: the deacon said, well, now I want to know. Bring
• 1:36:57
  Speaker 1: him over, Jim, I'd like to see him. Well, Jim
• 1:37:00
  Speaker 1: took the horse over, and all the punkin senter just
• 1:37:03
  Speaker 1: sort of held its breath to see how it would
• 1:37:05
  Speaker 1: come out. Jim and the deacon went a hunting, and
• 1:37:09
  Speaker 1: as they was riding along through the timber down by
• 1:37:12
  Speaker 1: Reuben Hendrick's pasture, Jim keeping his eyes peeled and not
• 1:37:16
  Speaker 1: saying much, when all to once he's seen a rabbit
• 1:37:19
  Speaker 1: sitting in a brush heap, and he just touched the
• 1:37:22
  Speaker 1: old horse on the side and he squatted right down.
• 1:37:26
  Speaker 1: The deacon said, why, what's the matter of your horse? Jim?
• 1:37:30
  Speaker 1: Look what he'd be doing. Jim said, shush, deacon, don't
• 1:37:34
  Speaker 1: you see that rabbit over there in the brush heap.
• 1:37:37
  Speaker 1: The old horse is a setting of him. Deacon said, well,
• 1:37:40
  Speaker 1: now that's the most remarkable thing I ever seen in
• 1:37:43
  Speaker 1: my life. How do you like to trade Jim. Jim said, why, Deacon,
• 1:37:48
  Speaker 1: I hadn't calculated on disposing of the horse, but I
• 1:37:51
  Speaker 1: ain't much of the hand at hunting, and seeing as
• 1:37:54
  Speaker 1: how it's you if you want him, I'll trade you, Deacon,
• 1:37:58
  Speaker 1: fifty dollars to boot. Well. The deacon had a mighty
• 1:38:01
  Speaker 1: fine animal, but he said, i'll trade you, Jim. They
• 1:38:04
  Speaker 1: traded horses, and when they was a coming home, they
• 1:38:07
  Speaker 1: had to ford the creek what runs back the Punkin Center.
• 1:38:10
  Speaker 1: The old horse was a wading through the water, and
• 1:38:13
  Speaker 1: deacon went to pull his feet up to keep him
• 1:38:15
  Speaker 1: from getting wet, and he touched the old horse on
• 1:38:18
  Speaker 1: the sides, and the hoss squatted right down in the creek.
• 1:38:22
  Speaker 1: Deacon said, now look to hear, Jim, what's the matter
• 1:38:25
  Speaker 1: with this ungodly brute. He ain't a settin now be he?
• 1:38:29
  Speaker 1: Jim said, yes he is, Deacon. He sees fish in
• 1:38:32
  Speaker 1: the water. Tell you he's trained to sit for suckers,
• 1:38:36
  Speaker 1: samos for rabbits, Old Deacon, he's had a thorough education paradox.
• 1:38:43
  Speaker 1: I can't exactly describe it, but it looks to me
• 1:38:46
  Speaker 1: like a tramp who once told me how to be
• 1:38:49
  Speaker 1: successful in life. Punkin Center Philosophy. End of Jim Lawson's
• 1:38:55
  Speaker 1: Horse Trade, Section twenty five of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center
• 1:39:05
  Speaker 1: Stories by Kyle Stewart. This LibriVox recording is in the
• 1:39:09
  Speaker 1: public domain. Recording by Philip Martin a meeting of the
• 1:39:14
  Speaker 1: school directors. We had been having a good deal of
• 1:39:19
  Speaker 1: argufying about the schoolhouse. You see, it had got to
• 1:39:23
  Speaker 1: be a sort of a tumble down ramshackle, sort of
• 1:39:26
  Speaker 1: a fire and when it was bad weather, we couldn't
• 1:39:29
  Speaker 1: have school in it, cause you might just as well
• 1:39:32
  Speaker 1: be a sitting under a sieve when it rained as
• 1:39:34
  Speaker 1: to be a sitting in that schoolhouse. Well, it was
• 1:39:37
  Speaker 1: coming along the fall term, and we wanted our boys
• 1:39:40
  Speaker 1: and girls to get all the schooling and education what
• 1:39:43
  Speaker 1: they could, So we called a meeting of the school
• 1:39:46
  Speaker 1: directors to devise ways and means of building a new
• 1:39:49
  Speaker 1: schoolhouse without stopping school. Well, we all met down at
• 1:39:54
  Speaker 1: the schoolhouse. There was Deacon Witherspoon, Ezra Hoskins, Ruben Hendrix,
• 1:39:59
  Speaker 1: sip Hetting Gill, Old Jim Lawson, and me. Before we commenced,
• 1:40:04
  Speaker 1: debating and argufying on the matter. Si Petton Gill allowed
• 1:40:08
  Speaker 1: he'd sing us song. Well, he got up and sang
• 1:40:11
  Speaker 1: the dernedy stole fashioned song. I calculate I ever heard
• 1:40:14
  Speaker 1: in my life when something like this oh, frog win, according,
• 1:40:19
  Speaker 1: And he did ride, Oh who oo who oh a
• 1:40:23
  Speaker 1: frog win according, And he did ride with a sword
• 1:40:26
  Speaker 1: and pistol by his side. Oo who oo who? He
• 1:40:30
  Speaker 1: rolled till he came to the mouse's door. Who oo who?
• 1:40:35
  Speaker 1: He rolled till he came to the mouses door. And
• 1:40:38
  Speaker 1: there he knelt upon the floor. Who oo who? He
• 1:40:43
  Speaker 1: took miss Mouseie on his knee. Who oo who? He
• 1:40:48
  Speaker 1: took miss Mousie on his knee, said he, missy mouse,
• 1:40:51
  Speaker 1: will you marry me? You? Who ooo oo who? Well
• 1:40:57
  Speaker 1: we headed so off right there, I guess if we
• 1:41:00
  Speaker 1: hadn't he'd been singing about that frog in the mouse
• 1:41:03
  Speaker 1: till yet. Well, just then old Jim laws and he said,
• 1:41:06
  Speaker 1: I make a motion, and Deacon with a spoon he
• 1:41:09
  Speaker 1: was chairman, and he said, now look here, young feller,
• 1:41:13
  Speaker 1: don't you make any motions at me or durned if
• 1:41:15
  Speaker 1: I don't get down there and flock you in about
• 1:41:17
  Speaker 1: a minute, you take your feet off in that desk
• 1:41:21
  Speaker 1: and that corn cob pipe out in your mouth, and
• 1:41:24
  Speaker 1: conduct yourself with dignity and decorum, and address the chairman
• 1:41:28
  Speaker 1: of this year meeting in a manner befitting to his station. Well, Jim.
• 1:41:33
  Speaker 1: He got right smart riled over the matter, and he said, well,
• 1:41:37
  Speaker 1: you gosh durned old gospel pirate. I want you to
• 1:41:40
  Speaker 1: understand that I'm a member of this body, a citizen,
• 1:41:44
  Speaker 1: a taxpayer, and an honorably discharged servant of the government.
• 1:41:48
  Speaker 1: And I make a motion that we build a new
• 1:41:50
  Speaker 1: school house out of the bricks of the old school house.
• 1:41:54
  Speaker 1: And I do further offer an amendment to the original motion,
• 1:41:58
  Speaker 1: that we don't tear down old schoolhouse until the new
• 1:42:02
  Speaker 1: one is built. Well, Deacon Witherspoon said, the gentleman is
• 1:42:07
  Speaker 1: out of order, and Jim said, I ain't so durn
• 1:42:10
  Speaker 1: much out of order, but that I can trim you
• 1:42:12
  Speaker 1: in about two shakes of a dead sheep's tail. Well
• 1:42:16
  Speaker 1: before we noted them, two old cussis was at it.
• 1:42:19
  Speaker 1: The deacon he grabbed Jim, and Jim he grabbed the deacon,
• 1:42:23
  Speaker 1: and when we got him separated, the deacon he was
• 1:42:25
  Speaker 1: stuck fast twist a desk in the wood box, and
• 1:42:29
  Speaker 1: Jim had his wooden leg through a kno hole in
• 1:42:32
  Speaker 1: the floor and couldn't get it out. And they've both
• 1:42:35
  Speaker 1: gone the law about it. Jim says he's gonna get
• 1:42:38
  Speaker 1: out and rid of Corpus Christie for the deacon, and
• 1:42:41
  Speaker 1: the deacon says he's gonna prosecute Jim for big men
• 1:42:44
  Speaker 1: Arson and have him read out of the church. Well,
• 1:42:48
  Speaker 1: we've got the same old schoolhouse justice. Those who hanker
• 1:42:53
  Speaker 1: for it would be generally better off if they didn't
• 1:42:56
  Speaker 1: get it. Punkin Center Philosophy, end of a Meeting of
• 1:43:01
  Speaker 1: the School Directors, Section twenty six of Uncle Josh's Punkin
• 1:43:11
  Speaker 1: Center Stories by Kyl Stewart. This LibriVox recording is in
• 1:43:16
  Speaker 1: the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin, the Weekly Paper
• 1:43:21
  Speaker 1: at Punkin Center Round to the day down in New York.
• 1:43:26
  Speaker 1: I was walking along on that street what they called
• 1:43:28
  Speaker 1: the Broadway, when I come to the Harold Square newspaper
• 1:43:32
  Speaker 1: building and it was all winders and machinery. Well, I
• 1:43:37
  Speaker 1: was just flobgasted. I just stood there looking at it.
• 1:43:41
  Speaker 1: On the front there was a bell and a couple
• 1:43:43
  Speaker 1: of fellows standing alongside of it with sledge hammers in
• 1:43:46
  Speaker 1: their hands. And ever once in a while they would
• 1:43:49
  Speaker 1: go to pounding on that bell, and folks that stand
• 1:43:52
  Speaker 1: around and watch them do it. They reminded me of
• 1:43:55
  Speaker 1: a couple of fellows splitting rails, and all around the
• 1:43:58
  Speaker 1: edge of the building they had at Hoodolse sawting with
• 1:44:01
  Speaker 1: electric lights in their eyes. And there was no end
• 1:44:04
  Speaker 1: to the machinery in that building. If anyone had ever
• 1:44:08
  Speaker 1: told me that there was that much machinery in the
• 1:44:10
  Speaker 1: whole world, darned if I had to believed them. Biggest
• 1:44:14
  Speaker 1: machine I'd ever seen before was Si Petton Gill's new
• 1:44:17
  Speaker 1: thrashing machine. Well, I just stood there watching them printing presses,
• 1:44:22
  Speaker 1: a running paper going into one end and coming out
• 1:44:25
  Speaker 1: of the other, all printed and full of pictures and
• 1:44:28
  Speaker 1: folded up ready to sell it, just beat all the
• 1:44:31
  Speaker 1: way they'd done it. Well, we never had but one
• 1:44:35
  Speaker 1: paper down home at Punkin Center. We called it the
• 1:44:38
  Speaker 1: Punkin Center Weekly Bugle. Old Jim Last and he was
• 1:44:41
  Speaker 1: editor of it. You see, Jim, he was sort of
• 1:44:44
  Speaker 1: a trifling no count old cuss, sort of keep him
• 1:44:47
  Speaker 1: out of mischief. We made him editor. Well, Jim, he
• 1:44:51
  Speaker 1: had his place up over Ezra Hoskins grocery store. He
• 1:44:54
  Speaker 1: never got any money for the newspaper, always got paid
• 1:44:57
  Speaker 1: in produced and Ezra's store. It was a mighty good
• 1:45:00
  Speaker 1: place for him to take any subscriptions. Well, things went
• 1:45:04
  Speaker 1: along pretty smooth for quite a spell till one day
• 1:45:07
  Speaker 1: a feller he come in and give Jim a keg
• 1:45:10
  Speaker 1: of hard cider for a year's subscription to the newspaper.
• 1:45:15
  Speaker 1: We all calculated right then that something was going to happen,
• 1:45:19
  Speaker 1: and sure enough it did. You see about that time,
• 1:45:24
  Speaker 1: Jim had got two advertisements. One was for Rubin Jackson's
• 1:45:28
  Speaker 1: Restaurant and the other was the timetable of the Punkin
• 1:45:31
  Speaker 1: Center in paw Paul Valley Railroad. Well, Jim, he got
• 1:45:35
  Speaker 1: to drink in the hardsider and setting type at the
• 1:45:38
  Speaker 1: same time, and when the paper come out on Thursday,
• 1:45:41
  Speaker 1: it was worth going miles to see. Near as I
• 1:45:45
  Speaker 1: can remember, it said that Rubin Jackson's Restaurant would leave
• 1:45:49
  Speaker 1: the depot every morning at eight o'clock for beef steak
• 1:45:52
  Speaker 1: and mutton stews, and would change cars at Quite River
• 1:45:56
  Speaker 1: junction for mince and Punkin pies and cottage pudding. There
• 1:46:00
  Speaker 1: would be a flag station for coffee and doughnuts like
• 1:46:03
  Speaker 1: mother used to make, and the train wouldn't run on
• 1:46:06
  Speaker 1: Sundays cause the station aging what done the cooking would
• 1:46:10
  Speaker 1: have to run an extra on that day over the
• 1:46:12
  Speaker 1: chicken and ham sandwich Division. I believe that was the
• 1:46:17
  Speaker 1: last issue of the Punkin Center Weekly Bugle Enthusiasm, sometimes inspired,
• 1:46:24
  Speaker 1: sometimes acquired, sometimes the result of immediate surroundings, and sometimes
• 1:46:29
  Speaker 1: the result of hardsider Punkin Center philosophy. End of the
• 1:46:35
  Speaker 1: Weekly paper at Punkin Center, Section twenty seven of Uncle
• 1:46:45
  Speaker 1: Josh's Punkin Center Stories by Cal Stewart. This LibriVox recording
• 1:46:50
  Speaker 1: is in the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin. Uncle
• 1:46:54
  Speaker 1: Josh at a camp meeting. Well, we've just been having
• 1:46:59
  Speaker 1: a camp meeting at punkin Cinder, Yes, for several days.
• 1:47:03
  Speaker 1: We was pretty busy baking and cooking and making preparations
• 1:47:07
  Speaker 1: for the camp meeting, and some of the committee allowed
• 1:47:10
  Speaker 1: we ought to have lemonade for the Sunday school children. Well,
• 1:47:14
  Speaker 1: as we wanted to get it just as cheap as possible,
• 1:47:17
  Speaker 1: we dammed up the creek where it runs back of
• 1:47:19
  Speaker 1: the camp meeting grounds and put in ten pounds of
• 1:47:22
  Speaker 1: brown sugar and half a dozen lemons and let the
• 1:47:25
  Speaker 1: Sunday school children drink right out of the creek free
• 1:47:28
  Speaker 1: of charge. Well, we had right smart difficulty in getting
• 1:47:32
  Speaker 1: a pulpit fixed up for the ministers, but finally we
• 1:47:35
  Speaker 1: saw down a hemlock tree and used the stump for
• 1:47:38
  Speaker 1: a pulpit. Well, some of the sermons preached at that
• 1:47:42
  Speaker 1: camp meeting beat anything I ever heard in my life. Afore,
• 1:47:45
  Speaker 1: you see, we'd been having a good many arguments about corporations, monopolies,
• 1:47:50
  Speaker 1: and trusts. And one minister got up and said, all,
• 1:47:54
  Speaker 1: my dear beloved brethren and sisters, we should not be
• 1:47:59
  Speaker 1: too so here on the monopolists. If we read the
• 1:48:03
  Speaker 1: scriptures closely, we observed our forefathers was all monopolists. Adam
• 1:48:08
  Speaker 1: and Eve had a monopoly upon the garden of Eden,
• 1:48:11
  Speaker 1: and would have had it till this day, no doubt,
• 1:48:14
  Speaker 1: had not. Mother Eve got squeezed in the apple market.
• 1:48:18
  Speaker 1: Ya Verily, Lot's wife had a corner on the salt market.
• 1:48:24
  Speaker 1: And while Pharaoh's daughter was not in the milk business,
• 1:48:27
  Speaker 1: yet we observed she took a great profit out of
• 1:48:31
  Speaker 1: the water. Yea verily, most on us come to the
• 1:48:35
  Speaker 1: conclusion he was riding on a free pass. Samantha Hoskins
• 1:48:40
  Speaker 1: concluded she would have to sing her favorite him. It
• 1:48:43
  Speaker 1: went something like this, Oh, you need not come in
• 1:48:46
  Speaker 1: the morning, and neither in the heat of the day,
• 1:48:50
  Speaker 1: but come along in the evening. The Lord and wash
• 1:48:53
  Speaker 1: my sins away, standing on the walls of Sion looking
• 1:48:58
  Speaker 1: at my ship come sailing, or standing on the walls
• 1:49:03
  Speaker 1: of sam to see my ship coming. Just about that time,
• 1:49:09
  Speaker 1: Ruben Hendrick secured a skunk out of a holler log
• 1:49:12
  Speaker 1: si Petton Gill stirred up a hornet's nest. Deax and
• 1:49:16
  Speaker 1: Witherspoon sat down in a huckleberry pie and ain't Nancy
• 1:49:19
  Speaker 1: Smith got a spider on her, and she started into
• 1:49:22
  Speaker 1: yelling and jumping like she had a fit. And two
• 1:49:25
  Speaker 1: dogs got to fighting. Old Jim last and he tried
• 1:49:28
  Speaker 1: to get the dogs apart, and he stumped around and
• 1:49:31
  Speaker 1: got his old wooden leg into a post hole and
• 1:49:34
  Speaker 1: fell down, and the dogs got on top of him.
• 1:49:37
  Speaker 1: And you couldn't tell which was gemmed or which was
• 1:49:40
  Speaker 1: dog and durned if it didn't bust up the camp meeting.
• 1:49:45
  Speaker 1: End of Uncle Josh at a camp Meeting, Section twenty
• 1:49:55
  Speaker 1: eight of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by Cayl Stuart.
• 1:50:00
  Speaker 1: This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Recording by
• 1:50:03
  Speaker 1: Philip Martin the Unveiling of the Organ. It was down
• 1:50:10
  Speaker 1: in Punkin Center, I believe in eighty nine we had
• 1:50:14
  Speaker 1: some doings at the meeting house that we thought was
• 1:50:17
  Speaker 1: pretty five. It was a great occasion. The choir, led
• 1:50:22
  Speaker 1: by Sister Morgan, had called us there to witness the
• 1:50:25
  Speaker 1: unveiling of the organ in order for to get it.
• 1:50:29
  Speaker 1: We'd been saving here and there, looking forward to the
• 1:50:32
  Speaker 1: time when we'd have music for despair. And as the
• 1:50:36
  Speaker 1: time it had arrived and the organ had come too,
• 1:50:40
  Speaker 1: we had all of us assembled there to hear what
• 1:50:43
  Speaker 1: the thing could do well. It was a gorgeous instrument
• 1:50:47
  Speaker 1: in a handsome walnut case, and there was expectation pictured
• 1:50:52
  Speaker 1: out on every face. Then, when Deacon Witherspoon had led
• 1:50:56
  Speaker 1: us all in prayer, the congregation all stood up an
• 1:51:00
  Speaker 1: old hundred wrenth the air. Just then the doin's took
• 1:51:04
  Speaker 1: a turn. Though I'm ashamed to say it, we found
• 1:51:07
  Speaker 1: that old Jim Lawson was the only one could play it.
• 1:51:11
  Speaker 1: But Jim, the poor old feller, had one besetting sin,
• 1:51:15
  Speaker 1: a fondness for hard sighter which he'd been indulging in.
• 1:51:20
  Speaker 1: But he sot down at that organ, flanked his feet
• 1:51:23
  Speaker 1: upon the pedals, an he showed us he could play it,
• 1:51:26
  Speaker 1: though he hadn't any metals. He dwelt upon the treble,
• 1:51:30
  Speaker 1: and he flirted with the bass. He almost made that
• 1:51:33
  Speaker 1: organ jump right out of its case. Well, the sighter
• 1:51:37
  Speaker 1: got an old Jim's head an in his fingers too,
• 1:51:40
  Speaker 1: so he played some dancin' music, an old Yankee doodlo.
• 1:51:45
  Speaker 1: He shocked old Deacon Witherspoon, and scared poor Sister Morgan.
• 1:51:49
  Speaker 1: An jest busted up the meetin' at the unveiling of
• 1:51:53
  Speaker 1: the organ. And of the unveiling of the organ Section
• 1:52:05
  Speaker 1: twenty nine of Uncle Josh's punkin Center Stories by Kylet Stuart.
• 1:52:09
  Speaker 1: This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Recording by
• 1:52:13
  Speaker 1: Philip Martin. Uncle Josh plays a game of baseball. I
• 1:52:20
  Speaker 1: had heard a whole lot about them games of football
• 1:52:23
  Speaker 1: they have in New York, So while I was there,
• 1:52:26
  Speaker 1: I just come to the conclusion i'd see a game
• 1:52:29
  Speaker 1: of it. So I went out to one of their
• 1:52:31
  Speaker 1: city pastors to see a game of football. Well, now,
• 1:52:34
  Speaker 1: I must say I didn't see much ball playing of
• 1:52:37
  Speaker 1: any kind. All I got to see was about fifty
• 1:52:40
  Speaker 1: or sixty ambulances, and I think about that many surgeons
• 1:52:44
  Speaker 1: and physicians. Well, from what I could see of the game,
• 1:52:48
  Speaker 1: I calculate they needed all of them. I saw one
• 1:52:51
  Speaker 1: fella and about fifty others had him down, and it
• 1:52:54
  Speaker 1: looked as though they were trying to all get a
• 1:52:56
  Speaker 1: kick at him. They had a half back and a
• 1:52:59
  Speaker 1: quarter back. I suppose when they got through at that feller,
• 1:53:03
  Speaker 1: he was a huntback. Anyhow, that's what they call football playing.
• 1:53:07
  Speaker 1: Your uncle, Josh don't want any football in his'n. I
• 1:53:12
  Speaker 1: never played but one game of ball in my life
• 1:53:15
  Speaker 1: that I can remember on and I don't believe that
• 1:53:17
  Speaker 1: I ever will forget it. You see, it was along
• 1:53:21
  Speaker 1: in the springtime of the year, and the weather was
• 1:53:23
  Speaker 1: pretty warm and sunshiny, and the boys said to me, uncle,
• 1:53:28
  Speaker 1: we'd like to have you help us play a game
• 1:53:30
  Speaker 1: of baseball. I said, boys, I'm getting a little too
• 1:53:33
  Speaker 1: old for those kind of pastimes, but I'll help you
• 1:53:36
  Speaker 1: play one game. I'll be durned if I don't. Well.
• 1:53:40
  Speaker 1: We got out in the pasture and was getting ready
• 1:53:42
  Speaker 1: to play. We got the bases and bats put around
• 1:53:45
  Speaker 1: in their places in a bucket of drinking water up
• 1:53:47
  Speaker 1: in the fence corner where we could get a drink
• 1:53:49
  Speaker 1: when we wanted it. We didn't have any bleachers, but
• 1:53:53
  Speaker 1: we had thirty or forty hogs, and they was the
• 1:53:55
  Speaker 1: best rooters you ever seen. Just then I happened to
• 1:53:59
  Speaker 1: look around, and there was the biggest billy goat I
• 1:54:01
  Speaker 1: ever saw in my life. You ought to seen the
• 1:54:04
  Speaker 1: boys of getting out of the pastor I would have
• 1:54:07
  Speaker 1: got out too, but I got stuck in the fence. Well,
• 1:54:10
  Speaker 1: you ought to have seen that billy goad of getting
• 1:54:13
  Speaker 1: me through the fence. He didn't get me all the
• 1:54:16
  Speaker 1: way through, because I was halfway through when he got there,
• 1:54:19
  Speaker 1: but he got the last half through. I didn't make
• 1:54:23
  Speaker 1: any home run, but I was the only fella what
• 1:54:25
  Speaker 1: had a score of the game. I couldn't see the score,
• 1:54:29
  Speaker 1: but I had it every time i'd go to sit down.
• 1:54:32
  Speaker 1: I know just exactly how the game stood. They have
• 1:54:36
  Speaker 1: a good many new fang on games now, But when
• 1:54:38
  Speaker 1: they get anything that can beat a game of baseball
• 1:54:41
  Speaker 1: with a billy goat for a battery, durned if I
• 1:54:44
  Speaker 1: don't want to see it, and off, Uncle Josh plays
• 1:54:48
  Speaker 1: a Game of Baseball Section thirty of Uncle Josh's punkin
• 1:54:58
  Speaker 1: Center Stories by Colet Sure. This Livervox recording is in
• 1:55:02
  Speaker 1: the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin. The Punkin Center
• 1:55:07
  Speaker 1: and Pawpaul Valley Railroad wonders will never cease. We've got
• 1:55:14
  Speaker 1: a railroad in Punkin Center now, Oh, we're getting to
• 1:55:17
  Speaker 1: be right, smart cityfied. I guess that's about the crookedest
• 1:55:21
  Speaker 1: railroad that was ever built. I think that railroad runs
• 1:55:25
  Speaker 1: across itself in one or two places. It runs past
• 1:55:28
  Speaker 1: one station three times. It's so durned crooked they have
• 1:55:32
  Speaker 1: to burn crooked wood in the engine. Well, the first
• 1:55:36
  Speaker 1: engine they had on the Punkin Center was a wonderful
• 1:55:39
  Speaker 1: piece of machinery. It had a five foot boiler and
• 1:55:42
  Speaker 1: a seven foot whistle, and every time they blowed the whistle,
• 1:55:45
  Speaker 1: the durned old engine would stop. Well, we've got the
• 1:55:49
  Speaker 1: railroad and we're mighty proud of it, but we had
• 1:55:52
  Speaker 1: an awful time of getting it through. You see, most
• 1:55:55
  Speaker 1: everybody gave the right of way. Sept Ezra Hoskins, and
• 1:55:59
  Speaker 1: he didn't like to see it go through his meadowfield.
• 1:56:02
  Speaker 1: And it seemed as though they'd have to go round
• 1:56:04
  Speaker 1: for quiet ways, and maybe they wouldn't come to Punkin
• 1:56:08
  Speaker 1: Center at all. Well, one morning, Ezra saw a lot
• 1:56:11
  Speaker 1: of fellers down in the meadow, most uncommonly busy like.
• 1:56:15
  Speaker 1: So he went down to them and he said, what
• 1:56:17
  Speaker 1: be you doing down here? And they said, well, mister Hoskins,
• 1:56:21
  Speaker 1: we're surveying for the railroad. And Ezra said, so we're
• 1:56:26
  Speaker 1: gonna have a railroad be we Is it going right
• 1:56:29
  Speaker 1: through here? And they said yes, mister Hoskins, that's where
• 1:56:33
  Speaker 1: it's going right through here. Ezra said, well, I suppose
• 1:56:36
  Speaker 1: you'll have a right smarter plowing and digging, and you'll
• 1:56:40
  Speaker 1: just about plow up my meadowfield, won't you. They said yes,
• 1:56:44
  Speaker 1: mister Hoskins, we'll have to do some grading. Ezra said, well,
• 1:56:48
  Speaker 1: now let me see. Is it going just the way
• 1:56:52
  Speaker 1: you've got that instrument pinted? They said yes, sir, just
• 1:56:56
  Speaker 1: there and Ezra said, well, nears, I can calculate from that,
• 1:57:00
  Speaker 1: I should judge it was a going right through my barn.
• 1:57:04
  Speaker 1: They said, yes, mister Hoskins, We're sorry, but the railroad
• 1:57:07
  Speaker 1: is a going right through your bar. Well, lest we
• 1:57:11
  Speaker 1: didn't say much for quite a spell, and we all
• 1:57:14
  Speaker 1: expected there would be trouble. But finally he said, well,
• 1:57:18
  Speaker 1: I suppose the community of Punkin Center needs a railroad,
• 1:57:21
  Speaker 1: and I hadn't ought to offer any objections to its
• 1:57:24
  Speaker 1: going through. But I'm going to tell you one thing
• 1:57:27
  Speaker 1: right now, afore you go any further. When you get
• 1:57:31
  Speaker 1: it built and a running, you've got to get a
• 1:57:33
  Speaker 1: man to come down here and take care on it,
• 1:57:35
  Speaker 1: because it's a comin along hand in harvesting time, and
• 1:57:38
  Speaker 1: I'll be too durned busy to run down here and
• 1:57:40
  Speaker 1: open and shut them barn doors every time one of
• 1:57:43
  Speaker 1: your pesky old trains wants to go through. Love an
• 1:57:49
  Speaker 1: indescribable longing, something that existed since Mother Eve was in
• 1:57:53
  Speaker 1: the Apple Trust and will exist until the end of time.
• 1:57:57
  Speaker 1: Something that no man has ever yet defined or ever
• 1:58:00
  Speaker 1: will define. A something that has passed all description, which
• 1:58:04
  Speaker 1: will make a hired man forget to do the chores,
• 1:58:07
  Speaker 1: and we'll make an old man act boyish, and will
• 1:58:09
  Speaker 1: make a woman show herself to be stronger than the
• 1:58:12
  Speaker 1: strongest man. Gosh durn it an indescribable something that has
• 1:58:17
  Speaker 1: never yet been described. Punkin Center Philosophy. End of the
• 1:58:22
  Speaker 1: Punkin Center and Paul Paul Valley Railroad, Section thirty one
• 1:58:33
  Speaker 1: of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by cal Stewart. This
• 1:58:37
  Speaker 1: LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin,
• 1:58:43
  Speaker 1: Uncle Josh on a bicycle a long last summer. Ruben Hoskins,
• 1:58:49
  Speaker 1: that is Ezra Hoskins boy. He come home from college
• 1:58:53
  Speaker 1: and brought one of them new fangled bicycle machines home
• 1:58:56
  Speaker 1: with him. And I think ever since that time, the
• 1:58:59
  Speaker 1: whole town of Punkin's hinter has got the bicycle fever.
• 1:59:04
  Speaker 1: Old Deacon Witherspoon he's been riding a bicycle to Sunday
• 1:59:07
  Speaker 1: school and Jim lost and he couldn't ride one of
• 1:59:10
  Speaker 1: them because he's got a wooden leg. But he just
• 1:59:13
  Speaker 1: calculated if he could get it hitched up to the
• 1:59:15
  Speaker 1: mowing machine, he could cut more hay with it than
• 1:59:18
  Speaker 1: any man in Punkin's Center. Somebody said, Si Pettingill was
• 1:59:23
  Speaker 1: trying to pick apples with the bicycle. Well, all our
• 1:59:27
  Speaker 1: boys and girls are riding bicycles. Now nothing would do,
• 1:59:30
  Speaker 1: But I must learn how to ride one of them. Well,
• 1:59:34
  Speaker 1: I didn't think very favorably on it, but in order
• 1:59:36
  Speaker 1: to keep the peace in the family, I told him
• 1:59:39
  Speaker 1: I would learn. Well, Gee, WILLICKI by gum, I wish
• 1:59:43
  Speaker 1: you had been there when I commenced. I took that
• 1:59:47
  Speaker 1: machine by the horns and I let it out into
• 1:59:49
  Speaker 1: the middle of the road, and I got on it
• 1:59:52
  Speaker 1: sort of unconcerned like, and then I got off, sort
• 1:59:55
  Speaker 1: of unconcerned like. Well, I sought down a minute to
• 1:59:59
  Speaker 1: thinking over, and then the trouble commenced. I got on
• 2:00:02
  Speaker 1: that durned machine, and it jumped up in the front
• 2:00:04
  Speaker 1: and kicked up behind, and bucked up in the middle,
• 2:00:07
  Speaker 1: and shied and balked and jumped sideways and carried on,
• 2:00:11
  Speaker 1: worsting a couple of stairs. The first time there was yoked. Well,
• 2:00:15
  Speaker 1: I managed to hang on for a spell, and then
• 2:00:18
  Speaker 1: I went up in the air and come down all
• 2:00:21
  Speaker 1: over that bicycle. I fell on top of it and
• 2:00:24
  Speaker 1: under it, and on both sides of it. I fell
• 2:00:27
  Speaker 1: in front of the front wheel and behind the hind
• 2:00:30
  Speaker 1: wheel at the same time. Durned. If I know how
• 2:00:33
  Speaker 1: I done it, but I did. I run my foot
• 2:00:36
  Speaker 1: through the spokes and put one hundred and fifty punctures
• 2:00:38
  Speaker 1: in a hedge fence, and scared a horse and bugget
• 2:00:42
  Speaker 1: Claire off the highway. I done more different kinds of
• 2:00:45
  Speaker 1: tumbling than any circus performer I ever seen in my life.
• 2:00:49
  Speaker 1: And I made more revolutions in a fifteen foot circle
• 2:00:53
  Speaker 1: than any bus saw that was ever invented. Well, I
• 2:00:57
  Speaker 1: lost the lamp. I lost the clamp. I lost my patience,
• 2:01:00
  Speaker 1: I lost my temper. I lost my self respect, my
• 2:01:04
  Speaker 1: last suspender button, and my standing in the community. I
• 2:01:08
  Speaker 1: broke the handlebars, I broke the sprockets, I broke the
• 2:01:12
  Speaker 1: Ten Commandments. I broke my New Year's pledge and the
• 2:01:15
  Speaker 1: law again loud and abusive language and Jim laws and
• 2:01:19
  Speaker 1: got so excited he run his wooden leg through a
• 2:01:22
  Speaker 1: night hoole in the porch and couldn't get it out again. Well,
• 2:01:26
  Speaker 1: I'm through with it. Once is enough for me. You
• 2:01:29
  Speaker 1: can all ride your durned bicycles that want to, But
• 2:01:33
  Speaker 1: for my part, I just as soon stand up and
• 2:01:35
  Speaker 1: walk as to sit down and walk. No more bicycles
• 2:01:39
  Speaker 1: for your Uncle Josh, not if he knows it. And
• 2:01:42
  Speaker 1: your Uncle Josh sort of calculates as how he do
• 2:01:46
  Speaker 1: not to riety a next door neighbor to glory, but
• 2:01:49
  Speaker 1: another way of getting it. Punkin Center Philosophy and of
• 2:01:55
  Speaker 1: Uncle Josh on a Bicycle Section thirty two of Uncle
• 2:02:04
  Speaker 1: Josh's punkin Center Stories by Kyle Stuart. This LibriVox recording
• 2:02:09
  Speaker 1: is in the public domain. Recording by Philip Martin a
• 2:02:14
  Speaker 1: baptizing at the Hickory Corners Church. Along about two summers
• 2:02:20
  Speaker 1: ago we had a baptizing at the Hickory Corners Church,
• 2:02:23
  Speaker 1: and before the baptizing we had preaching, and before the
• 2:02:26
  Speaker 1: preaching we had Sunday School. Well, now, some of them
• 2:02:30
  Speaker 1: questions and answers in that Sunday school just made me
• 2:02:33
  Speaker 1: snicker right out loud. You see, old Deacon Witherspoon was
• 2:02:37
  Speaker 1: a teaching the Sunday school class, and he said, now
• 2:02:41
  Speaker 1: let me see what little boy can tell me who
• 2:02:43
  Speaker 1: slew the Philistines and where at? Well, no one said
• 2:02:48
  Speaker 1: anything for about a minute. Then a little redheaded feller
• 2:02:51
  Speaker 1: down at the foot of the class said, Commodore Dewey
• 2:02:55
  Speaker 1: at Manila. The deacon said, no, Henry, it wasn't Commodore
• 2:03:00
  Speaker 1: doy what slew the Felistines? It was Samson. Another little
• 2:03:05
  Speaker 1: fella said, no, Deacon, I think you sort of got
• 2:03:08
  Speaker 1: it mixed up. He wasn't there, Slay is the fella?
• 2:03:11
  Speaker 1: What done the job at Sadie? I get The deacon said, now, boys,
• 2:03:16
  Speaker 1: you've been reading too much about them war doings in
• 2:03:19
  Speaker 1: the papers. Now what little boy can tell me? What
• 2:03:23
  Speaker 1: is the first commandment, and Ezra Hoskins boy said, remember
• 2:03:28
  Speaker 1: the main Gosh, I had to go right out of
• 2:03:31
  Speaker 1: the meeting house where I could have a good laugh. Well,
• 2:03:35
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't have been down there in the first place,
• 2:03:37
  Speaker 1: or the second place, for that matter, if it hadn't
• 2:03:40
  Speaker 1: been for old Jim Lawson. You see, Jim, he's a
• 2:03:43
  Speaker 1: peculiar old critter. He's got one eye out lost it
• 2:03:46
  Speaker 1: looking for a pension, I believe. Well, Jim, he come
• 2:03:50
  Speaker 1: over to my house and he said, Josh, lets you
• 2:03:53
  Speaker 1: and me go down to the baptizing I said, what
• 2:03:56
  Speaker 1: do you want to go down there for? Jim? You
• 2:03:58
  Speaker 1: can't get any pension there, can you. Jim said, well,
• 2:04:02
  Speaker 1: you see, Josh, there was a peddler left some hymn
• 2:04:05
  Speaker 1: books at my house, and I want to go down
• 2:04:07
  Speaker 1: there and see if I can't sell them. Well, he
• 2:04:10
  Speaker 1: hadn't been more than a minute when Jim he told
• 2:04:13
  Speaker 1: the minister he had the hymn books to sell, and
• 2:04:16
  Speaker 1: the minister said he'd tell the congregation all about it.
• 2:04:20
  Speaker 1: Then Jim he sat down in the meeting house and
• 2:04:22
  Speaker 1: went to sleep, and then he went to snoring. You
• 2:04:26
  Speaker 1: could hear him clear across a forty acre lot. I
• 2:04:30
  Speaker 1: wasn't a cure of gosh durn, but he woke me up. Well.
• 2:04:33
  Speaker 1: About the time the minister was getting through his sermon,
• 2:04:37
  Speaker 1: he said, now, all the members of the congregation, having
• 2:04:41
  Speaker 1: babies here today and wanting of them baptized after the
• 2:04:44
  Speaker 1: sermon is over, bring them up to the pulpit and
• 2:04:47
  Speaker 1: I will baptize them. Well, Jim, he woke up about
• 2:04:51
  Speaker 1: that time, and he thought the minister was talking about
• 2:04:54
  Speaker 1: his hymn books. So he stood up and said, now,
• 2:04:57
  Speaker 1: all you folks, what ain't got any I'll let you
• 2:05:00
  Speaker 1: you have the twenty five cents apiece. Religion any one
• 2:05:05
  Speaker 1: man's opinion, but consists mainly of doing right some consider
• 2:05:10
  Speaker 1: philosophy and of a baptizing at the Hickory Corners Church.
• 2:05:21
  Speaker 1: Section thirty three of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by
• 2:05:25
  Speaker 1: Kyle Stewart. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
• 2:05:29
  Speaker 1: Recording by Philip Martin Reminiscence of My Railroad Days, dedicated
• 2:05:36
  Speaker 1: to Engineer John Hulahan, Pittsburgh and Lake Erie Railroad, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Well, John,
• 2:05:44
  Speaker 1: I read your poetry and laughed till I nearly cried
• 2:05:48
  Speaker 1: seeing how you became an engineer and got on the
• 2:05:51
  Speaker 1: right hand side. It made me think of the days
• 2:05:54
  Speaker 1: gone by when I was one of you fellers too.
• 2:05:57
  Speaker 1: What used to run an old machine in go tootin'
• 2:06:00
  Speaker 1: the country through. But the engine that I had then
• 2:06:04
  Speaker 1: John was far from a Nancy Hanks. She was old
• 2:06:07
  Speaker 1: and worn and loggy, an just chuck full of pranks,
• 2:06:12
  Speaker 1: and she was wonderfully got up, John, full of boats
• 2:06:15
  Speaker 1: and valves and knobs. An the boiler wouldn't hold water, gosh,
• 2:06:19
  Speaker 1: it wouldn't hold cobs. But I was younger then John,
• 2:06:23
  Speaker 1: and I didn't care a cuss, So I'd pulled the
• 2:06:26
  Speaker 1: throttle open and just let her wheeze and fuss. The
• 2:06:29
  Speaker 1: road that I was a running on was out in
• 2:06:32
  Speaker 1: the wooly west, two streaks of rust, and the right
• 2:06:35
  Speaker 1: of way was putting it at its best. So we
• 2:06:38
  Speaker 1: sort of plugged along John and didn't put on any frills,
• 2:06:42
  Speaker 1: never thought of doing anything but doubling all the hills.
• 2:06:46
  Speaker 1: I tell you, those were rocky times, and we hadn't
• 2:06:49
  Speaker 1: no air brake. An fifteen miles an hour, John was
• 2:06:52
  Speaker 1: durned good time to make an there was as good
• 2:06:56
  Speaker 1: a lot of boys as you could meet with anywhere,
• 2:07:00
  Speaker 1: rough and ready open up, and always on the square.
• 2:07:04
  Speaker 1: And I'd like to see them all again and grasp
• 2:07:06
  Speaker 1: each on his hand. But some of them, like me,
• 2:07:09
  Speaker 1: have quit, some have gone to another land. I have
• 2:07:14
  Speaker 1: changed somewhat since then, John, just a little more steady, growed.
• 2:07:19
  Speaker 1: But I often think of my railroad days as the
• 2:07:22
  Speaker 1: happiest ones I knowed, And John, I often watched the
• 2:07:27
  Speaker 1: train as they go whizzing by. As I think of
• 2:07:30
  Speaker 1: Bell or Jim or Jack, there's a tear comes in
• 2:07:34
  Speaker 1: my eye. Perhaps you'd like to know, John, just why
• 2:07:38
  Speaker 1: I quit the rail And, as some feller one time said,
• 2:07:42
  Speaker 1: thereby hangs a tail. I was going along one night, John,
• 2:07:46
  Speaker 1: at a pretty lively rate, the old machine of doing
• 2:07:50
  Speaker 1: her best in me forty minutes late, when all at
• 2:07:53
  Speaker 1: once there came a crash. I felt the old track
• 2:07:57
  Speaker 1: yield and fireman machine and I went into a farmer's field.
• 2:08:03
  Speaker 1: There's little more to say, John. They laid me up
• 2:08:06
  Speaker 1: for repairs, but my fireman, poor fellow, hadn't time to
• 2:08:11
  Speaker 1: say his prayers. So now you have my story. John.
• 2:08:15
  Speaker 1: Still you don't know how it feels to know you've
• 2:08:17
  Speaker 1: got to plug around on a couple of flat wheels.
• 2:08:21
  Speaker 1: But it doesn't bother me, John Gosh, not for a minute.
• 2:08:25
  Speaker 1: I'm as happy as the day is long, and feel
• 2:08:28
  Speaker 1: just strictly in it. But sometimes I like to meet
• 2:08:31
  Speaker 1: the boys and talk them days all over, and I
• 2:08:35
  Speaker 1: feel as gay and chipper as a calf in a
• 2:08:37
  Speaker 1: field of clover. But the happiest days I've known, John,
• 2:08:42
  Speaker 1: the ones that to me seem best, was when I
• 2:08:45
  Speaker 1: run an old machine way out in the wooly West Glory,
• 2:08:52
  Speaker 1: getting killed and not getting paid for it. Punkin Centered Philosophy.
• 2:08:58
  Speaker 1: End of Reminiscence of My Railroad Days, Section thirty four
• 2:09:08
  Speaker 1: of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by Kyle Stewart. This
• 2:09:12
  Speaker 1: LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Recording by Philip
• 2:09:16
  Speaker 1: Martin Uncle Josh at a circus well long last year,
• 2:09:23
  Speaker 1: about harvest time, there was a circus come to Punkin Center,
• 2:09:27
  Speaker 1: and I think the whole population turned out to see it.
• 2:09:30
  Speaker 1: They come parading into town. The bands are playing, and
• 2:09:34
  Speaker 1: banners flying, and animals poking their heads out of the
• 2:09:37
  Speaker 1: cages and all sorts of Jim cracks. Deacon Witherspoon said
• 2:09:41
  Speaker 1: there was a sinful lot of men and women, and
• 2:09:44
  Speaker 1: no one ought to go and see them, But seeing
• 2:09:47
  Speaker 1: as how they was there, he allowed he'd take the
• 2:09:49
  Speaker 1: children and let them see the lines and tigers and things.
• 2:09:53
  Speaker 1: Cy Pengell remarked, guess the deacon won't put blinders on
• 2:09:57
  Speaker 1: himself when he gets there. We noticed afterwards that the
• 2:10:01
  Speaker 1: deacon had a front seat where he could see and
• 2:10:04
  Speaker 1: hear pretty well. Well, I said to Ezra, Hoskins, let
• 2:10:08
  Speaker 1: you and me go down to the circus. Aunt. Ezra said,
• 2:10:11
  Speaker 1: all right, Joshua. So we got on our store clothes,
• 2:10:14
  Speaker 1: our new boots, and put some money in our pockets,
• 2:10:17
  Speaker 1: and went down to the circus. Well, I never seen
• 2:10:20
  Speaker 1: anyone in my life cut up more fool capers than
• 2:10:23
  Speaker 1: Ezra did. We got in where the animals was, and
• 2:10:27
  Speaker 1: Ezra he walked around the elephant three or four times,
• 2:10:30
  Speaker 1: and then he said, by gum, Josh, that's a durned
• 2:10:33
  Speaker 1: handy critter. He's got two tails, and he's eating with
• 2:10:36
  Speaker 1: one and keeping the flies off with t'other durned old fool. Well,
• 2:10:42
  Speaker 1: we went on a little ways further, and all once
• 2:10:44
  Speaker 1: Ezra he said, gee, whi is Josh, there's Steve Jenkins
• 2:10:48
  Speaker 1: over there in one of them cages. I said, come along,
• 2:10:52
  Speaker 1: you silly fool, that ain't Steve Jenkins. Ezra said, well,
• 2:10:56
  Speaker 1: now guess i'd order know Steve Jenkins when I see
• 2:10:59
  Speaker 1: him just about pretty near raised Steve. Well, we went
• 2:11:03
  Speaker 1: over to the cage and it warn't no man at all, nothing,
• 2:11:06
  Speaker 1: only adorned old baboon, and Ezra wanted to shake hands
• 2:11:11
  Speaker 1: with him, just cause he looked like Steve. Ezra said
• 2:11:14
  Speaker 1: he'd bet a peck of pippins that baboon belonged to
• 2:11:17
  Speaker 1: Steve's family a long way's back. Well, then we went
• 2:11:22
  Speaker 1: into where they was having the circus doings, and I
• 2:11:24
  Speaker 1: guess us two old codgers just about busted our buttons
• 2:11:28
  Speaker 1: and laughing at that silly old clown. Well, he cut
• 2:11:31
  Speaker 1: up a lot of die doosed. Then he went out
• 2:11:34
  Speaker 1: and sot down right alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith. And
• 2:11:38
  Speaker 1: Nancy she'd like to have had hysterics. She said, you
• 2:11:42
  Speaker 1: go away from me, you painted critter, and that clown
• 2:11:45
  Speaker 1: he just up and yelled to beat thunder, said Nancy
• 2:11:49
  Speaker 1: stuck a pin in him while everybody laughed. And Nancy
• 2:11:52
  Speaker 1: she just sought and giggled right out. Well, they brought
• 2:11:56
  Speaker 1: a trick mule into the ring, and the ringmaster said
• 2:11:58
  Speaker 1: he'd give anyone five dollars what could ride the mule,
• 2:12:02
  Speaker 1: And Ruben Hoskins allowed, he could ride anything with four legs,
• 2:12:06
  Speaker 1: what had hair on. So he got into the ring,
• 2:12:09
  Speaker 1: and that mule he took after Ruben and chased him
• 2:12:12
  Speaker 1: round that ring so fast Ruben could see himself going
• 2:12:15
  Speaker 1: round to other side of the ring. He was mighty
• 2:12:18
  Speaker 1: glad to get out of there. Then a gal come
• 2:12:21
  Speaker 1: out on a horseback and commenced riding around. Nancy Smith
• 2:12:25
  Speaker 1: said she was a brazen critter to come out there
• 2:12:28
  Speaker 1: without closing enough under to dust a fiddle. But Deacon
• 2:12:32
  Speaker 1: Witherspoon said that was the art of questionism, and we
• 2:12:35
  Speaker 1: all allowed it whatever he meant. And then that silly
• 2:12:39
  Speaker 1: old clown he told the ringmaster that his uncle committed
• 2:12:42
  Speaker 1: suicide different than any man whatever committed suicide. And the
• 2:12:47
  Speaker 1: ringmaster said, well, now, how did your uncle commit suicide?
• 2:12:52
  Speaker 1: And that silly old clown said, why, he put his
• 2:12:55
  Speaker 1: nose in his ear and blowed his head off. Then
• 2:12:58
  Speaker 1: he hang an old fashioned song I hadn't heard in
• 2:13:01
  Speaker 1: a long time, went something like this from Widletown to Wattletown.
• 2:13:06
  Speaker 1: It's fifteen miles from Wattletown to Weiddletown. It's fifteen miles
• 2:13:13
  Speaker 1: from Willletown to Wattletown. From Wattletown to Weiddletown. Take it
• 2:13:18
  Speaker 1: all together, and it's me fifteen miles. He was about
• 2:13:24
  Speaker 1: the silliest cuss I ever seen. Well, I noticed a
• 2:13:27
  Speaker 1: feller of rumming around among the benches. Has thought he
• 2:13:30
  Speaker 1: might have lost something. So I said to him, mister,
• 2:13:34
  Speaker 1: did you lose anything around here any place? He said, yes, Sir,
• 2:13:38
  Speaker 1: I lost a ten dollar bell. If you find it,
• 2:13:41
  Speaker 1: I'll give you two dollars. Wow, I just made up
• 2:13:45
  Speaker 1: my mind. He was one of them circus sharpers. And
• 2:13:48
  Speaker 1: when he warn't looking, I pulled a ten dollar bell
• 2:13:51
  Speaker 1: out of my pocket and gave it to him. And
• 2:13:54
  Speaker 1: the durned fool didn't know but what it was the
• 2:13:56
  Speaker 1: same one that he lost. Gosh, I just fooled him
• 2:14:00
  Speaker 1: out of his two dollars. Slick of a whistle, I
• 2:14:04
  Speaker 1: tell you, Circus day is a great time in punkin
• 2:14:07
  Speaker 1: Center end of Uncle Josh at a Circus Section thirty
• 2:14:20
  Speaker 1: five of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by Kyle Stuart.
• 2:14:24
  Speaker 1: This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Recording by
• 2:14:28
  Speaker 1: Philip Martin. Uncle Josh invites the city folks to visit him.
• 2:14:34
  Speaker 1: I didn't suppose when I was getting ready to go
• 2:14:37
  Speaker 1: home that all you folks would be down here to
• 2:14:40
  Speaker 1: the depot to see me off. Well, now that's pretty
• 2:14:43
  Speaker 1: good of you. I'll be durned if it ain't. Yes,
• 2:14:47
  Speaker 1: I guess I'll have to be going home now. I've
• 2:14:50
  Speaker 1: stayed here this time about as long as I can
• 2:14:52
  Speaker 1: afford to. I must say some of you folks have
• 2:14:56
  Speaker 1: made it pretty warm for me since I've been here
• 2:14:59
  Speaker 1: in New York. But I guess I've enjoyed it about
• 2:15:02
  Speaker 1: as much as you have. I'd like to have you
• 2:15:05
  Speaker 1: all come down to Punkin Center and see me sometime
• 2:15:09
  Speaker 1: this summer, if you hadn't got nothing else to do.
• 2:15:12
  Speaker 1: Lots of fun down there on that farm of mine, hunting,
• 2:15:16
  Speaker 1: fishing and shooting and other things. Well, I never shot
• 2:15:20
  Speaker 1: but one bird in my life, and that was a squirrel, Yes, sir,
• 2:15:24
  Speaker 1: a flying squirrel. I had a feller working for me
• 2:15:28
  Speaker 1: on the farm last summer, and he was cross eyed,
• 2:15:32
  Speaker 1: and I sent him out in the pastor to dig
• 2:15:34
  Speaker 1: a well for me. And what do you suppose, well,
• 2:15:37
  Speaker 1: he dug it so tarnalow fired cooked that he fell
• 2:15:41
  Speaker 1: out of it and sprained his ank. Thought. Then one
• 2:15:44
  Speaker 1: day I sent him out in the garden to plant
• 2:15:47
  Speaker 1: some potatoes and some onions for me, And it just
• 2:15:51
  Speaker 1: seemed like that feller didn't have good hoss sense. He
• 2:15:55
  Speaker 1: planted them onions and potatoes right alongside of each other,
• 2:15:59
  Speaker 1: and the onion got into the potato's eyes, and they
• 2:16:02
  Speaker 1: couldn't see to grow. Oh, yes, lots of fun down home.
• 2:16:06
  Speaker 1: Once and in a while I calculated, I've got the
• 2:16:10
  Speaker 1: funniest lot of chickens you ever hear. Tell on. I've
• 2:16:14
  Speaker 1: got sixty old hens, and they lay an egg every day,
• 2:16:18
  Speaker 1: but they don't lay any at night, because when night comes,
• 2:16:22
  Speaker 1: every one of them is roosters. I had one old
• 2:16:27
  Speaker 1: hen she went into the wood shed and sat down
• 2:16:29
  Speaker 1: on the axe and tried to hatch it. I had
• 2:16:33
  Speaker 1: another one something on the door knob, trying to hatch
• 2:16:36
  Speaker 1: out a haus a lot, but she didn't. While she
• 2:16:40
  Speaker 1: was a sting, there along come a rooster, and he said,
• 2:16:43
  Speaker 1: we're having a little party down behind the barn. Will
• 2:16:46
  Speaker 1: you dance with me this set? And she said no, sir,
• 2:16:50
  Speaker 1: I'm engaged to his knobs for this set Gosh. I
• 2:16:54
  Speaker 1: was afraid to go out in the barnyard one while,
• 2:16:57
  Speaker 1: cause one day when I was out, I heard a
• 2:17:00
  Speaker 1: hen say to a rooster, bar's that old gray headed cuss.
• 2:17:04
  Speaker 1: We've been a lan' fir Oh. I guess that's my train.
• 2:17:09
  Speaker 1: Suppose I'll have to be going. Goodbye. Come down and
• 2:17:12
  Speaker 1: see me sometime if you can, every one of you
• 2:17:15
  Speaker 1: come down about apple buttertime and just but in Goodbye
• 2:17:22
  Speaker 1: end of Uncle Josh invites the city folks to visit
• 2:17:25
  Speaker 1: him Section thirty six of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories
• 2:17:35
  Speaker 1: by Kyle Stewart. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
• 2:17:39
  Speaker 1: Recording by Philip Martin. Yo Simity Jim or a Tale
• 2:17:45
  Speaker 1: of the Great White Death. Yo Semity Jim was the
• 2:17:50
  Speaker 1: name he had, and he came from no One, old wire, quiet,
• 2:17:55
  Speaker 1: easy going, sort of a cuss, and was reckoned on
• 2:17:58
  Speaker 1: the squire ridin a route for the Wells. Fargo folks
• 2:18:03
  Speaker 1: may have made him stern and grim, but there wasn't
• 2:18:06
  Speaker 1: a man that crossed the divide but had swear by
• 2:18:09
  Speaker 1: Yosemite Jim. He warn't one o the regular sort what
• 2:18:13
  Speaker 1: you'd meet there any day, But as near as the
• 2:18:16
  Speaker 1: camp could figure it out in a show down, he'd
• 2:18:19
  Speaker 1: likely stay a shambling, awkward figure, raw bone tall, an slim,
• 2:18:25
  Speaker 1: and his shaps in his togs in general just looked
• 2:18:28
  Speaker 1: like they'd fell on him. I was somewhat of a
• 2:18:31
  Speaker 1: tenderfoot then, hadn't jest got the lay of the land.
• 2:18:35
  Speaker 1: There was a good many things in them, their parts
• 2:18:37
  Speaker 1: as I couldn't quite understand. But I took a likin
• 2:18:41
  Speaker 1: to Yosemite. Jim was with him on my very first trick,
• 2:18:45
  Speaker 1: an from that time on I stuck to him like
• 2:18:48
  Speaker 1: a kitten on a good warm brick. Our headquarters. Then
• 2:18:52
  Speaker 1: was the Valley camp. It was down by the Redwood Way,
• 2:18:55
  Speaker 1: with Chaparral across the spur, about fifty miles away. Well,
• 2:19:00
  Speaker 1: what I'm goin to tell you part happened there where
• 2:19:03
  Speaker 1: the trail runs into the sky. An if it hadn't
• 2:19:06
  Speaker 1: a been for Yosemite, Jim will, I'd be countin my
• 2:19:09
  Speaker 1: chips on high. The galoot that was punching the broncos
• 2:19:13
  Speaker 1: for me was a greaser from down moterey An. Jim
• 2:19:17
  Speaker 1: used to say, keep your eye on in part. I
• 2:19:19
  Speaker 1: don't think he's come fer to stay. His eyes are
• 2:19:22
  Speaker 1: too shifty a yellow, and his face is sullin and hard.
• 2:19:27
  Speaker 1: An' tain't that so much as a feelin I have? Anyhow,
• 2:19:31
  Speaker 1: Keep your eye on in part. One day, when the
• 2:19:35
  Speaker 1: mercury was way out o sight an the frost was
• 2:19:39
  Speaker 1: on every nail. With just the mail sacked in the
• 2:19:42
  Speaker 1: specie box, the Greaser and I hit the trail. We
• 2:19:46
  Speaker 1: picked two passengers up at Big Pine, And while the
• 2:19:49
  Speaker 1: Broncos were changed that day, I noticed them having a
• 2:19:53
  Speaker 1: sneakin' chat with the Greaser from down Monterey. Did you
• 2:19:57
  Speaker 1: ever hear tell of the great white death that creeps
• 2:20:00
  Speaker 1: down the mountain side, leaving behind it a ghastly track
• 2:20:04
  Speaker 1: where those who met it have died? Well, Partner, As
• 2:20:08
  Speaker 1: true as I'm a living, no man wants to see
• 2:20:10
  Speaker 1: it twice white and grim is a funeral shroud, a
• 2:20:14
  Speaker 1: mass of mist in ice. Well, we hadn't got far
• 2:20:18
  Speaker 1: from the Big Pine ree lay when my hair it
• 2:20:21
  Speaker 1: commenced to rise. For I saw a cross by the
• 2:20:24
  Speaker 1: lone bear spur, a cloud of most monstrous size. And
• 2:20:29
  Speaker 1: the Greaser acted sort of peculiar, and the Broncos commenced
• 2:20:33
  Speaker 1: to neigh, Well, some thoughts went through my mind just
• 2:20:37
  Speaker 1: then I won't forget till my dying day. In less
• 2:20:41
  Speaker 1: time than it takes to tell it, we were into
• 2:20:43
  Speaker 1: the Great White Death, with its millions of frozen snowflakes
• 2:20:48
  Speaker 1: to taking away our breath. And just then something happened.
• 2:20:52
  Speaker 1: Pard the greaser from down Modern Ray, tried to sneak
• 2:20:56
  Speaker 1: off with the specie box along with the passengers from
• 2:20:59
  Speaker 1: Big Pine Relay. All at once a figure on hossback
• 2:21:04
  Speaker 1: come a whoopin' it down the trail. An bullets from
• 2:21:07
  Speaker 1: out of a Winchester commenced to fly like hail the
• 2:21:11
  Speaker 1: greezerin' them two passengers casting their chips to him. For
• 2:21:15
  Speaker 1: the feller, what was doin the shootin', was my friend,
• 2:21:18
  Speaker 1: Yosemite Jim. Well, we planted them there together when the
• 2:21:23
  Speaker 1: cloud had passed away. An all they've got for a
• 2:21:26
  Speaker 1: tombstone is the mountains dull an gray. So Pard, let's
• 2:21:31
  Speaker 1: take one together. An I'll drink a toast to him,
• 2:21:34
  Speaker 1: for though he was rough an ready, he'd a heart,
• 2:21:37
  Speaker 1: Yosemite Jim. The Great White Death, so named by the Indians,
• 2:21:43
  Speaker 1: occurs in the higher altitudes of the Rocky and Sierra
• 2:21:46
  Speaker 1: Nevada Mountains. It is almost indescribable. It might properly be
• 2:21:51
  Speaker 1: termed a frozen fog. It has the effect of bringing
• 2:21:54
  Speaker 1: on acute congestion of the lungs, from which few rarely recover.
• 2:22:00
  Speaker 1: Viewed at a distance, it is a magnificent sight, each
• 2:22:03
  Speaker 1: and every particle of the frozen moisture being a miniature
• 2:22:07
  Speaker 1: prism which reflects the Sun's rays in a manner once seen,
• 2:22:11
  Speaker 1: never to be forgotten. By Kyl Stuart, formerly overland messenger
• 2:22:16
  Speaker 1: for the Wells Fargo Express Company. End of Yosemite jem
• 2:22:22
  Speaker 1: Or a Tale of the Great White Death, Section thirty
• 2:22:31
  Speaker 1: seven of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by Cal Stuart.
• 2:22:35
  Speaker 1: This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Recording by
• 2:22:40
  Speaker 1: Philip Martin. Uncle Josh Weersby's trip to Boston. For a
• 2:22:46
  Speaker 1: long time, I had my mind made up to go
• 2:22:49
  Speaker 1: down to Boston. So a short time ago, as I
• 2:22:51
  Speaker 1: had all my crops and produce mostly sold, I lied
• 2:22:55
  Speaker 1: it would be a good time to go down there.
• 2:22:57
  Speaker 1: And I said to mother, I start early in the
• 2:23:00
  Speaker 1: morning and take a load of produce with me. And
• 2:23:02
  Speaker 1: that was sort of pay expenses for the trip. Well,
• 2:23:06
  Speaker 1: I got into Boston next morning, bright and early, about
• 2:23:09
  Speaker 1: time they had their breakfast, and I looked round, first
• 2:23:12
  Speaker 1: fell and then finally I picked out a right lightly
• 2:23:14
  Speaker 1: looking store, and I just concluded, I'd say on my
• 2:23:18
  Speaker 1: lord of produce there. Well, I went in and I
• 2:23:20
  Speaker 1: met a feller, and I said, good mornin. Beg you
• 2:23:23
  Speaker 1: the storekeeper? And he said, no, sir, I'm only one
• 2:23:27
  Speaker 1: of the clerks. So I said, well, I'll be the
• 2:23:30
  Speaker 1: storekeeper to home. And he said, yes, sir, would you
• 2:23:33
  Speaker 1: like to see him? And I told him miss how
• 2:23:36
  Speaker 1: I would. And he turned round and commenced to holler
• 2:23:39
  Speaker 1: in front, and a boy come up what had more
• 2:23:43
  Speaker 1: brass buttons on him than a whole regiment of soldiers.
• 2:23:46
  Speaker 1: I thought that was a darned funny name for a
• 2:23:48
  Speaker 1: boy front an that clerk feller. He was about the
• 2:23:51
  Speaker 1: most important thing I'd seen in Boston so far, lest
• 2:23:55
  Speaker 1: maybe it was the Bunker Hill monumnth that I drove
• 2:23:58
  Speaker 1: fast comin to town. He had on a bild collar.
• 2:24:01
  Speaker 1: That's sort of put me in mind of the white
• 2:24:03
  Speaker 1: washed fence round the fairgrounds down home. I bet if
• 2:24:07
  Speaker 1: he ever sneeze it would cut his ears off. Wal Anyhow,
• 2:24:11
  Speaker 1: he said to that front boy, show the gentleman to
• 2:24:14
  Speaker 1: the proprietor's office. While I went along at that boy,
• 2:24:17
  Speaker 1: And presently we come to a place in one corner
• 2:24:19
  Speaker 1: of that store. It was made out of barn and
• 2:24:22
  Speaker 1: had bars in front of the windows, and looked like
• 2:24:25
  Speaker 1: the county jail. The front boy pinted to a man
• 2:24:28
  Speaker 1: and said go in. And I said, I guess I
• 2:24:30
  Speaker 1: wasn't going there, because I hadn't done anything to be
• 2:24:33
  Speaker 1: locked up for. And that front boy commenced to laughing,
• 2:24:37
  Speaker 1: though durned if I could see what he was laughing about.
• 2:24:41
  Speaker 1: And the storekeeper he opened the door and come out,
• 2:24:43
  Speaker 1: and he said, good morning. What can I do for you?
• 2:24:47
  Speaker 1: I said, be ye, the storekeeper, and he said he
• 2:24:51
  Speaker 1: was so I said do you want to buy any potatoes?
• 2:24:55
  Speaker 1: And he said, no, sir, we don't buy any potatoes here.
• 2:24:58
  Speaker 1: This is a dry good store. So I said, wow,
• 2:25:01
  Speaker 1: don't you want any cabbage? Do you? And he said no, sir,
• 2:25:05
  Speaker 1: this is a dry goods store. So I said, well,
• 2:25:08
  Speaker 1: now I want to know do you need any onions?
• 2:25:11
  Speaker 1: And by a childer he got madder in a wet
• 2:25:13
  Speaker 1: hen he said, now, look here, I want you to
• 2:25:17
  Speaker 1: understand once for all, this is a dry goods store,
• 2:25:20
  Speaker 1: and we don't buy anything but dry goods and don't
• 2:25:23
  Speaker 1: sell anything but dry goods. Do you understand me now
• 2:25:27
  Speaker 1: dry goods? And I said, yes, guess I understand you.
• 2:25:31
  Speaker 1: You don't need to get saturnally riled about the matter
• 2:25:35
  Speaker 1: near as I can figure it out. You just buy
• 2:25:37
  Speaker 1: dry goods and sell them. And he said, yes, sir,
• 2:25:40
  Speaker 1: only dry goods. So I said, well, do you want
• 2:25:44
  Speaker 1: to buy some mighty good dried apples. Well, that front
• 2:25:48
  Speaker 1: boy got to laughing, and a lot of women clerks
• 2:25:51
  Speaker 1: giggled ride out, and the storekeeper he commenced to laughing too,
• 2:25:54
  Speaker 1: And for about a minute I thought that all went
• 2:25:57
  Speaker 1: crazy at once. Well, he told a fell to show
• 2:26:00
  Speaker 1: me where I could sell my produce, and I disposed
• 2:26:02
  Speaker 1: of it at a good bargain. I liked them Boston folks.
• 2:26:06
  Speaker 1: They try to make you feel to home and enjoy
• 2:26:08
  Speaker 1: yourself and be sociable. And I was chucked full of
• 2:26:12
  Speaker 1: sociability too. I was going up one street and down toother,
• 2:26:15
  Speaker 1: just to getting sociability. At ten cents of sociable. Well,
• 2:26:19
  Speaker 1: I guess I seen about everything worth singing in Boston.
• 2:26:22
  Speaker 1: And I was standing alongside of one of their old
• 2:26:25
  Speaker 1: churches and looking at the cemetery, and I guess there
• 2:26:28
  Speaker 1: was folks in there, buried now under three hundred years,
• 2:26:31
  Speaker 1: and I was just thinking what they'd say if they
• 2:26:34
  Speaker 1: could wake up and see Boston now. When I noticed
• 2:26:37
  Speaker 1: a little row of tombstones, and on one of them
• 2:26:40
  Speaker 1: it said Hester Brown, beloved wife of James Brown. And
• 2:26:44
  Speaker 1: on another it said Prudence Brown, beloved wife of James Brown,
• 2:26:50
  Speaker 1: and on another it said Thankful Brown, beloved wife of
• 2:26:54
  Speaker 1: James Brown. Well, I couldn't just make out what she
• 2:26:58
  Speaker 1: had to be thankful about, but I said, Jimmy, you
• 2:27:01
  Speaker 1: had a right lively time while you was in Boston,
• 2:27:04
  Speaker 1: didn't you. Then I seen another tombstone, and on it
• 2:27:07
  Speaker 1: it said Mattelada Brown, beloved wife of James Brown. And
• 2:27:12
  Speaker 1: another one what said Sarah Ann Brown, beloved wife of
• 2:27:16
  Speaker 1: James Brown. And over in a little corner all to itself,
• 2:27:21
  Speaker 1: I seen a tombstone, and on it it said James Brown.
• 2:27:26
  Speaker 1: At rest end of Uncle Josh Weathersby's Trip to Boston,
• 2:27:39
  Speaker 1: Section thirty eight of Uncle Josh's Punkin Center Stories by
• 2:27:42
  Speaker 1: Kyle Stuart. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain.
• 2:27:47
  Speaker 1: Recording by Philip Martin, who Marched in sixty one by
• 2:27:53
  Speaker 1: Kyle Stewart, New York Memorial Day, nineteen oh three. I've
• 2:27:59
  Speaker 1: just down at the corner, mother, to see the boys
• 2:28:03
  Speaker 1: in line, dressed up in their brand new uniforms. I
• 2:28:06
  Speaker 1: tell you they looked fine. And as they marched past
• 2:28:10
  Speaker 1: where I stood, to the rattle of the drum, it
• 2:28:13
  Speaker 1: made me think of those other boys who marched in
• 2:28:16
  Speaker 1: sixty one. The old flag was proudly waving, Mother, just
• 2:28:20
  Speaker 1: as it did one day when you stood there to
• 2:28:23
  Speaker 1: say goodbye and watch me march away. So I stood
• 2:28:27
  Speaker 1: there and watched them till the parade was nearly done.
• 2:28:30
  Speaker 1: But there wasn't many there today who marched in sixty one.
• 2:28:35
  Speaker 1: And there was my old captain and the colonel side
• 2:28:38
  Speaker 1: by side, and as they both saluted me, I just
• 2:28:41
  Speaker 1: sat down and cried, and I thought about some other
• 2:28:44
  Speaker 1: boys whose work has long been done. Soon there won't
• 2:28:48
  Speaker 1: be any left at all who marched in sixty one.
• 2:28:53
  Speaker 1: I heard the band play Dixie, and my old heart
• 2:28:55
  Speaker 1: swelled with pride of thinking of the boys in gray
• 2:28:59
  Speaker 1: who marched on top side. And when my time it comes, mother,
• 2:29:03
  Speaker 1: the Lord will make it done. I hope he'll take
• 2:29:06
  Speaker 1: me to the Boys who Marched in sixty one. End
• 2:29:10
  Speaker 1: of Who Marched in sixty one also and of Uncle
• 2:29:16
  Speaker 1: Josh's punkin Center stories by Cal Stewart