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Can a narcissist change their stripes? · The Mental Healness Podcast

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So can a narcissist ever truly change their stripes?
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Can a narcissist ever truly change their behaviors?
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Can a narcissist go to therapy, work on themselves and become a
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better human being and treat everybody around them better?
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That was a mouthful, wasn't it? That's what we're talking about
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today, y'all? Of course, if you're new here,
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I'm Lee Hammock. I'm a diagnosed narcissist who's
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here to give you the perspective and inside look at the mind of a
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narcissist job. And we're going to hop right
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into it. Narcissistic people and the
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ability to change their behavior, the ability to change
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their stripes like a damn zebra. Can a zebra changes stripes?
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No. Yeah.
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As someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality
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disorder, I personally feel like it will be disingenuous of me to
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come out here and just say that it's absolutely impossible for
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every any narcissist on this planet to just be better.
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I would. I can't say that because I have
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the personality disorder, I have become a better person over the
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years, right? But there's always a butt, ain't
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it? It's a huge caveat.
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But I am one of the exceptions. I am not the rule.
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The rule is that narcissists can't change.
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Of course, to every rule. Damn near almost every rule,
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they're going to be exceptions. I personally don't think that I
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have changed because I in fact, am still a narcissist.
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I am, yeah, let's keep that clear right there.
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I still have narcissistic personality disorder.
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Although I have went to therapy and worked on myself, it does
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not mean that the behaviors, that the mindset is absolutely
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gone. Like I've said before in a lot
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of my old videos, the the my first thought is still
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narcissistic. My very first thought is still
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to serve myself in some way, shape or form.
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My very first thought is self-defense and how to make
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myself feel better or how did this benefit me?
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Those are still my first thoughts.
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But because I've been in psychotherapy for so long, it's
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allowed me the ability to just cut that off, right?
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It's allowed me the ability to just like, get in between them.
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I, I, I have, for me, I've had to become my own mental health
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middleman, right? I've had to become my own mental
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health middleman. I've had to be able to do that
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right there. I've had to just get in between
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that thought. I have to do something to break
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that mental state in order to be better, in order to to behave
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better, in order to just be a better human being overall.
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I've had to break do things to be able to break that mental
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state. I've had to put the work in over
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the last few years in order to be able to do that it.
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And that's absolutely true. I've had to be able to put the
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work in in order to be able to do that.
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Because if I haven't, if I wouldn't put that work in, I
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wouldn't be here with you right now.
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There's no way in hell I could be right here with you right now
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telling you how narcissists, how narcissists act, How are
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narcissists behave? What do narcissists do?
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How do narcissists think? How would an art what will
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happen if an if you say this to a narcissist, there's no one
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here. I will be able to do that coming
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from any type of place of be me being genuine.
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Of course there are disingenuous actors out there who are in the
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self aware narcissist realm. They are being disingenuous.
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They're not here to really help you.
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They're here to help themselves in some way, shape or form,
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right? And helping you is a side effect
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of helping themselves. I, I get that right there.
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That's what's going to, that's what you have to face out here,
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y'all. So it would absolutely be
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disingenuous for me as a narcissist, as a diagnosed
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narcissist myself, to come out here and just say no, there's no
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way, No narcissist changes. They're all the same.
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We're all the same. Leave every single one of us.
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There's no hope. I can't do that, y'all.
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Now, 99% of the time that's going to be true, 99% of the
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time that's going to be true, right?
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Like like just think about it like this.
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What we are on the earth, there's always a chance that a
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meteor is going to hit us and wipe us out.
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The the it's the chances are not 0 right?
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It's not Look, we're never going to get hit by a meteor.
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Ask the dinosaurs. Ask the little Dino narcissist
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or the Dino impasse from back in the day where they did they ever
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think something like that was going to happen to them?
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What a we still digging their fossils up to this day, right?
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So there's always a possibility, but you have to ask yourself
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right here, this is the this one of the main question you have to
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ask yourself, is this person, the one that's going to be the,
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is this person the 1 is going to be the, the, the rule breaker
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right here, right? Because most times you want to
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believe that they're going to be the rule, the the exception,
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right? You want to believe that that
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this person is going to be the exception.
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But most times they're not going to be the exception.
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They're just going to be born the rule.
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They're going to tell you that they're going to be the
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exception. I'm going to work on myself.
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I'm going to be better. I'm going to do this, I'm going
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to do that. They'll they'll go above and
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beyond. They do that type of stuff,
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right? But at the end of the day, in
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the grand scheme of things, the more you deal with a
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narcissistic, toxic bastard, the more you realize that they're
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not going to change their behaviors.
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Ask yourself this one question, another question.
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I said, I know I said one question earlier.
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Ask yourself this other question.
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What has this person been consistent with in this entire
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relationship other than consistently bad?
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There's a question you have to ask yourself.
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What have they done? What consistency have they shown
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me over the years That was let me know that this person has the
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ability to even think about changing their behaviors.
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What have they done? What what?
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What could? What have they done?
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What have they shown me? Most times the answer the
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question can be nothing. They haven't shown me anything.
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You, they haven't shown you nothing at all.
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They haven't, they haven't been able to, they haven't been able
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to show you anything. They haven't been able to be
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consistent with anything over the last few years.
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They haven't been able to do it because they can't do it or they
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don't want to do it. Like they can be consistent with
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when it's something to do with them.
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They can be consistent with the gambling and the drinking and
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the smoking and the cheating and the abuses, the abusive
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behaviors. But what can they?
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What have they been consistent with you that benefit you that
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doesn't benefit them? What have they been consistent
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with? Y'all could you?
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You have to get clear on it. It's your life.
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You have to live your life. You have to be the one to get
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it. That's getting clarity or
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getting clear on what is going on right here.
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It has to be you. It has to come from you.
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It can't come from anyone else. And I know that's a tough thing
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that so many people deal with like, well, Lee down, I'm tired,
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man. I got, I got to be, I got to be
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the one to do this. Yes, if you want to continue to
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deal with this person, you got to ask yourself these tough
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questions. And most people don't want to
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ask themselves the tough questions.
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Most people want to find excuses why the narcissist does that,
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why the narcissist has done this, why they said this.
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We want to find excuses because the excuses can help us, can
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help us feel better. The excuses that you might make
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for your toxic person might help pacify you or help make you feel
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better in the moment. But overall, in the grand scheme
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of things, you know damn well it does make you feel better At the
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end of the day, what makes you feel good right now will can
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bring you pain later on. Temporary pleasure can bring you
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permanent pain. And a lot of times narcissists
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are going to offer you temporary pleasure.
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They're going to love bomb you. They're going to do things to
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make you happy after they have done something bad.
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They're going to do something to make up for the horrible
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behaviors that they've exhibited after they've done something
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bad. They're going to do something
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nice after they've done something bad.
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Ask yourself another question right here.
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When they're when even through the good times your
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relationship, what has happened immediately before or after the
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good times in your relationship, because this can show you, this
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can show you the propensity that somebody has to change, right?
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What had what happened directly before and directly after
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they've done something nice to you.
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Typically before they're going to be mean to you.
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Typically before they're going to be making up for something
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they're going to be doing. They're going to do something
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horrible. They're going to lie, cheat,
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steal, beat drugs, whatever it is, right?
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They're going to do something horrible and in order to make up
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for it, they do something nice. They do something nice for you,
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which is what? Which is how you got her to the
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nice period, right? They did something mean, they
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did something bad, then they did something nice.
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So before they did the nice thing, they did something bad.
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And then after they did, after they did a nice thing, maybe not
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immediately after, but a little ways down the road, after they
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did something bad, guess what? After they did something good
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for you, they did something bad, they did something good to make
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up for it, and now they're doing something bad again.
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Now things that the status quo is back, they're right back to
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normal. They're right back to doing what
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they did what they previously did before, and that's how we
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got here in this first in the first place.
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Y'all Now look, let me get real with y'all.
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Let me come on in here closer. I know it's tough to let go of
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to let go of a relationship that you don't want to admit as
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toxic. You know, I mean, the one on
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ones I've did over the last what, five years, almost five
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years, the last 4 1/2 years, right, With people that want to
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want the best for that person, that want that person to change
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and be a better human being and just treat them better.
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Countless, countless. Well, yeah, it's thousands,
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right? And I tell people all, all the
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time, I, I feel for you. I want your narcissistic partner
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or parent or friend or whoever it is to be better.
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But they have to make that choice for themselves.
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You can't make that choice for them.
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I get people that I'm talking to sometimes that their partners
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sent that the partner sends the video right, And I just like,
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look, they were like we can you leave?
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You do do you only do one on ones with survivors?
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Like no, I talked to narcissistic people as well.
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Right. But it can't come.
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It has to be them wanting to talk to me.
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It can't be coming from you wanting them to talk to me
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because that doesn't work. That doesn't mean they're
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they're coming to me for help. They're just mean.
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They're they're coming to me to possibly pacify you, to use me
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as a further to to use me as a tool to further manipulate you
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with. I don't go, yeah, I go for that
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type of I can't go for that. That doesn't vibe with me.
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That does not vibe well with me at all.
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You know what I mean? So in these circumstances, they
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have to be the ones that reach out.
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And then the ones I talked to, very rarely are they going to
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change their behaviors, right? Very rare, because oftentimes
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they'll blame the other person. You're like narcissists do like.
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And that leads to another question you can ask yourself to
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tell if this narcissistic person has the ability to change their
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stripes or change and change their behaviors.
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Ask yourself this question right here.
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What? Like I said, ask yourself this
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question right here. My mind just literally went
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blank right there. Y'all, if you ask yourself this
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question right here, have they ever been able to take
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accountability for anything? Literally I had a 10 by two of
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y'all and I only yeah, they they said sorry, they they took
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accountability apologize. Did they really go back to the
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last time they took accountability for something?
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Go back to the last time that they actually apologized for
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something? Was it an actual apology or was
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it something else? Was it an actual apology or was
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it something different right. This is something that this is
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something that really matters right here Was it was did they
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say it? Look if they cheated on you
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right? Did they say look, I'm so sorry
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for cheating on you. I shouldn't have done that.
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Infidelity is never the way I should avoid if something was
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wrong in our marriage or in our relationship, I should have
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voiced it to you instead of stepping outside of our
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marriage. I'm extremely regretful.
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I'm extremely I feel horrible. I'm going to work my best to
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change these behaviors. It's not nothing to do with you.
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It's 100% on me. This is it's all my fault.
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I did this. I cheated, I lied, I
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manipulated, I even tricked the other part.
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I lied to the other person. This has nothing to do with you.
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I, I regret it. I truly, truly regret it.
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I'm going to work my hardest to earn your forgiveness and I
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don't expect you to ever forgive me.
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But if you have it in your heart, there's I'm saying that's
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more along the lines of a true apology.
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A fake apology is well, I'm sorry, but what about you, what
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you've done? I'm sorry for hurting you.
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I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry to put you through
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this. I'm sorry you had to find out
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this way. I'm sorry.
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The words I'm sorry does not denote an apology because it
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says is the words I'm sorry exist in a statement or is it
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exist in a sentence. It does not mean I'm sorry.
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It does not mean that it's it does not mean that it's an
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actual apology. It just means that this person
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is saying I'm sorry and so many people, so many people on the
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other end of the spectrum, so many impasse or people that want
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to heal and get through. They want to hear those words.
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I'm sorry. So those so bad.
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Did they accept it? There's like, oh, he said I'm
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sorry. Like did they, did they really
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say I'm sorry? Did they really say I'm sorry?
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Right. Did they really say I'm sorry?
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Or did they because of a true authentic apology and
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accountability required the person to actually admit what
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they've done wrong, right. the IT requires them to say what
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they've done wrong. I'm sorry for hurting you
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doesn't mean anything. What the hell?
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I'm sorry for doing what? Hurting me.
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How did you hurt me? Well, you know what I did.
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Why got I explained to you that's not somebody that's
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taking accountability. So again, have they ever taken
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accountability for anything that they've done to you and not
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blamed you? If they have is the answer is
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no, then more than likely they're not going to change
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their behaviors, right? More than likely they're going
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to put it on to you. More than likely the burden of
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changing is going to be on you. More than likely the burden of
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wanting to be making this relationship work is going to
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also be on you. I think that's what people have
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to realize as well, that the burden is on you.
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If you want to stay in this relationship dynamic with a
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narcissist or toxic person, whatever, right?
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You got to ask yourself the question, how much burden am I
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willing to carry? Because with a narcissist,
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you're going to carry a lot. You're going to incur a ton of
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the burden right here that mean you might carry all of it.
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Narcissistic people would rather change their environments and
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change their relationship than to change themselves, right?
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I would rather move on to someone else, move on to a new
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supply, than to change who I am and what I've been doing.
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I want to fit you into my environment as opposed to you
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fitting in as opposed to fitting into my environment.
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I want you. I want my environment to be a
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product of me as opposed to me being a product of my
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environment in this size of relationship.
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So if you in this relationship with me, I want the relationship
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to be toxic. That's the way it's going to
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lean towards. That's the way it's going to
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filter towards, right? This is how it goes.
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This is the mentality, right? And I tell, I tried to tell so
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many people, right? I want you.
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Yeah. When I tell you I want you all
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to win. I need you all to believe me.
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I need you all to truly, truly believe me.
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But I absolutely want you all to win.
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I want you to win so bad that I'd be like, I tell you all this
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shit. I go into detail about what
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about bad things that I have done.
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I expose myself to help, hoping that it helps other hoping then
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it reaches the right audience and it brings clarity to people
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that it makes the way it wakes up the right people, that the
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right people hear these videos, the right people see these
14:59
videos to hear them. I hear my podcast on Spotify.
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I'm like, damn, Lee really wants us to win.
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Damn, I really needed to hear that because I had no idea what
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was actually going on in my relationship.
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Damn this person did this. Damn this person did that.
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Like Lee wants us to win. Y'all be.
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I really do man. I really really truly do.
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That's why that's why I really do so I sell.
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That's why. That's what my courses are super
15:21
cheap. People give it like Lee, you
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need to raise your price on your courses.
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Lee, you need to raise your price on your one on ones.
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There's people charging three $400.00 for a course.
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That's not me. I want more.
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I want to reach more people. I would rather sell a course for
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$75.00 then $7500 if it's going to reach more people.
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I would rather reach 75, seven, 750 people for $10 then to reach
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one person for 7500. You know what I'm saying?
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I want to help more people than I hurt.
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That's literally what I want to do.
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That's little bit like this. This channels the stuff that I
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do right now is literally me trying to make off of past
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things that I've done. And yes, the people that I've
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hurt in the past out if they're still involved in my life.
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Yes, I have absolutely apologized to people.
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Yes, I've taken accountability for my role and stuff.
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My wife's family, her friends, people that people that that
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knew I hurt her, I literally looked them directly in their
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face. I sat down with him just like
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I'm talking to you right now and say, look, I'm sorry I did this.
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I'm sorry I did that. I literally went into detail and
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explained to them, now I'm going to be better.
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This shit won't happen again. And I spent the last what, 456
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years being better? Literally set everybody down.
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Is your narcissistic partner willing to do that?
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Is your narcissistic ex or whatever willing to sit down
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with every member of your family that knows what they've done and
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tell them about it, expose themselves and apologize and
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promise it it will never happen again?
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If they're not willing to do that, then no, they're not going
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to change y'all. Because that's what it requires.
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That's a requirement for them to sit down and tell people what
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they've done to you, what they put you through.
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Feel that shame. Go through that shame.
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Feel it, go through it and just battle with it because that's
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what I had to do. Literally had to feel the I had
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to sit with the shame and fight through it.
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Are they willing to sit with the shame and fight through it?
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Most times the answer to their question is going to be
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absolutely not. They're not going to do
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anything. They're not going to fight
17:05
through the shame. Why would they?
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Why the hell would they want to fight through shame when they
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don't feel like they don't? Do they feel like they don't
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have to deal with it? Why the hell would they want to
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do that right there, You know what I'm saying?
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That's the mentality. Those are the questions you have
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to ask yourself in totality. Like, why would this person want
17:19
to sit and deal with any type of shame if they don't have to?
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If I don't force them to sit through that shame if they if
17:24
they like, why would they want it?
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Look, in closing, yeah, it's not about you. 100 percent, 100% is
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not about you. They're going to treat you how
17:35
they think you deserve to be treated, not how you actually
17:37
deserve to be treated. There's a difference between
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those two statements right there.
17:40
They're going to treat you how they think you deserve to be
17:43
treated, not how they think you deserve to be treated.
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And until they did, they treat you like you deserve to be
17:49
treated. It's not going to work.
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Why would it work? Why would it work if they're
17:54
only treating you how they think you deserve to be treated and
17:56
not how you think you deserve to be treated?
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Why would their relationship work?
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Any relationship I even would have narcissist, toxic person
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overall, in general. Why would that work?
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You know what I'm saying? This is the stuff that we have
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to talk about. These are the toughest
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conversation that we have to have because if we don't have
18:09
them, if they're not had, then guess what's going to happen?
18:12
We're just going to this type of stuff is going to fall by the
18:13
wayside. More people are going to get
18:15
hurt. More people are going to stay in
18:16
toxic relationship dynamics thinking that that person is
18:18
going to change, but typically they're not going to change.
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Y'all, I hate to say that. I know people like damn, Lee,
18:24
that sucks. I don't even want.
18:25
Yeah, I you think I like saying that?
18:27
You think I get players out of saying like, yeah, man, I've
18:29
that little that that abuser not going to ever change.
18:33
No, I don't like saying that type of stuff.
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Yeah, I really don't know. I just my face got funny when I
18:39
said that. I really don't like saying that
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type of stuff. I want y'all to win probably
18:43
more than you want yourself to win, right?
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You know, like Lee, I want to win too.
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But what is going to happen it I want you to win.
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I made these videos longer y'all.
18:51
Like I said the the channel is about transition to the mental.
18:54
The mental illness podcast is about to take over y'all.
18:55
I've recorded 6 interviews already and I got three more
18:58
scheduled this week. Had somebody stand me up for an
19:01
interview the other day. I ain't gonna say nothing.
19:03
It hurt my feelings. I was changing my whole schedule
19:05
around to do an interview. Personally didn't show up.
19:07
Sucks. That sucked, right?
19:10
But that's the way it goes sometimes.
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Y'all, if you want to be able to, if you if you're interested
19:13
in being interviewed on the mental Illness podcast, you can
19:15
find a link in the description of every podcast and every video
19:17
I do. It's like it's a TinyURL.
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It's a TinyURL that mental illness podcast or something
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like that. It's in the description of every
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video podcast I do. Make sure you click on it, fill
19:26
it out. Like I'm doing stuff in person,
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like I'm right here. This is my this is my podcast
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studio right here, y'all, I'm in person in North Carolina or I'm
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doing virtual. My first six have been virtual.
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My first in person is probably going to be my wife.
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You'll see me sitting right here for my wife interviewing,
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interviewing her, asking her the questions everybody even asking
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right. But she going to tell her story
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not even but be about me. I know people don't ask
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questions about me, how to deal with me and stuff like that, but
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she's going to be telling her story of what of again of these
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questions that I asked y'all today.
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She's going to answer those questions for you about yes, Lee
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has she's going, she's going to use my first name.
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My first name is Damon. She was like, yes, Damon has
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been consistent. Yes, every time he said he's
20:01
going to do something, he did it.
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Yes, he's been selfless. He's done stuff for me that
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didn't benefit him. Yes, he loves his children.
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Yes, he does this. Yes, he's going to tell y'all
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the stuff that I that I have done to change my behaviors.
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Of course, right. But she's going to give y'all
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for her perspective, her life story, and all the other good
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stuff y'all I'm excited for. Anyway, y'all.
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Hit the subscribe button. You haven't already.
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And it's always, always. We're doing this.