Transcript

#48 Ben · Heavyweight

0:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, Hey, what are you going to say at my funeral?
0:05
Speaker 2: Oh?
0:06
Speaker 1: Here, let me set you up. And now coming to
0:08
Speaker 1: the podium, doctor Jackie Cohen, I'm not doing I can
0:12
Speaker 1: give you notes speak from the heart.
0:14
Speaker 2: I can't do it. It makes you too sad, it
0:16
Speaker 2: makes you so too annoyed.
0:18
Speaker 1: So you're going to be too annoyed to give me
0:19
Speaker 1: a eulogy at my funeral.
0:21
Speaker 2: I might listen, I might jot down a few words.
0:23
Speaker 3: Would the word genius be in there? God, saint saintly
0:27
Speaker 3: try to keep going generous, generous to a fault generals,
0:32
Speaker 3: Whys I'd.
0:34
Speaker 2: Give you warm?
0:35
Speaker 1: Okay, caring it's nice. Belligerent you would use the word
0:40
Speaker 1: belligerent in my eulogy.
0:43
Speaker 2: I'm having to look up the word belligerent because I'm
0:44
Speaker 2: not even sure what that means. Oh yeah, have don aggressive.
0:46
Speaker 2: Actually you know that would be me. I'm Belligerent.
1:02
Speaker 1: From Gimblet Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight
1:08
Speaker 1: Today's episode. Ben right after the break, Hi Jonathan, Hi Ben,
1:26
Speaker 1: how are you I'm doing?
1:27
Speaker 2: Okay?
1:28
Speaker 1: This is Ben. He's speaking to me from his office,
1:32
Speaker 1: which is also his baby's room.
1:34
Speaker 2: He doesn't actually sleep in this room. He actually sleeps
1:36
Speaker 2: in the bathroom. At some point he's going to demand
1:39
Speaker 2: a room.
1:40
Speaker 1: Without a toilet exactly. Maybe it has to do with
1:44
Speaker 1: becoming a dad. But lately Ben's been reconsidering his own childhood.
1:49
Speaker 1: Whereas my childhood was marked by Shenanigan's tomfoolery and a
1:53
Speaker 1: generous helping of hokey pokey, Ben's was not. When he
1:58
Speaker 1: wasn't much older than his son is now barely a
2:01
Speaker 1: toilet free tot fresh out of the toilet room, Ben
2:04
Speaker 1: possessed the seriousness and determination to have already mapped out
2:08
Speaker 1: his life school.
2:09
Speaker 2: I had this purpose where I was going to grow up.
2:13
Speaker 2: I was going to get good grades. I was going
2:16
Speaker 2: to get into a good college, get into a good
2:18
Speaker 2: med school, and become a physician.
2:26
Speaker 1: Ben's purpose was so all consuming that even in elementary
2:29
Speaker 1: school he devised his own homework and TV schedule, and
2:33
Speaker 1: in high school Ben didn't go out and party. Instead,
2:37
Speaker 1: he split his free time between playing piano and golf
2:40
Speaker 1: and volunteering at a local hospital, activities designed to look
2:44
Speaker 1: good on a college application. To my years, Ben's description
2:48
Speaker 1: of his childhood sounds like a cross between Doogie Houser
2:52
Speaker 1: and Casper Hauser. But eventually his hard work paid off.
3:01
Speaker 1: Ben became a doctor, but it wasn't without a cost.
3:05
Speaker 1: Looking back, Ben doesn't regret the parties he missed, the
3:08
Speaker 1: cheap booze he might have drank, or the parking lot
3:11
Speaker 1: donuts he might have donutted. He regrets something else entirely.
3:16
Speaker 2: Now that I'm older, I can reflect, and I had
3:22
Speaker 2: blinders on so much that I was not aware of
3:30
Speaker 2: people who were hurting near me.
3:33
Speaker 1: When Ben says people, what he really means is one
3:36
Speaker 1: person in particular. In keeping his head down focused as
3:40
Speaker 1: he was on success for all those years, Ben fears
3:43
Speaker 1: he might have ignored someone who really needed him.
3:47
Speaker 2: My cousin Sihan.
3:51
Speaker 1: Sheihan, a boy Ben hasn't seen in twenty years. To explain,
3:57
Speaker 1: Ben takes me back to his childhood in Anchorage a last.
4:01
Speaker 1: He was fourteen years old on the golf course one
4:03
Speaker 1: day when he saw his mom walking towards him. Beside
4:07
Speaker 1: her was a boy, maybe a couple years older than Ben,
4:10
Speaker 1: and like Ben, he was Korean. His mother introduced him
4:13
Speaker 1: as his cousin, Sheihan Sheihan. Ben's mom said had just
4:18
Speaker 1: arrived from Korea and was now going to be living
4:21
Speaker 1: with them.
4:22
Speaker 2: And I didn't think twice about it, and I just
4:24
Speaker 2: started calling my cousin.
4:26
Speaker 1: You didn't know the backstory, You didn't know whether he
4:30
Speaker 1: was going to be staying with you forever.
4:32
Speaker 2: Like this story is full of question marks for me.
4:41
Speaker 1: Ben says he eventually learned Chianne wasn't really his cousin.
4:44
Speaker 1: They weren't related at all, but he didn't learn a
4:47
Speaker 1: whole lot more. Back then, Ben didn't ask a lot
4:51
Speaker 1: of questions. In the evening. Ben's parents worked at a
4:55
Speaker 1: deli they owned. This meant that Ben, an only child,
4:59
Speaker 1: spent a lot lot of time alone. But now is
5:02
Speaker 1: Shehan in the house, he found reasons to go a
5:04
Speaker 1: little easier on his homework, TV schedule, reasons to just
5:08
Speaker 1: be a kid for a while. In the process, Ben
5:11
Speaker 1: and Sheehan grew to become best friends in spite of
5:14
Speaker 1: their differences. While Ben was always so serious and studious,
5:19
Speaker 1: Shehan had a lightness about him. While Ben's ambition was
5:23
Speaker 1: to become a doctor the most parent approved of career paths,
5:27
Speaker 1: Shehan wanted to be a film critic. The most I
5:30
Speaker 1: promise if it doesn't work out, I'll go to Law
5:32
Speaker 1: School of Career Paths. On Sunday nights, they watched WWE SmackDown,
5:38
Speaker 1: the dulcet tones of creed pouring through the air as
5:41
Speaker 1: the undertakers soared free from off the ring post. And
5:45
Speaker 1: it wasn't just watching wrestling on TV, Ben says, but
5:49
Speaker 1: wrestling for real. As soon as his parents left for
5:52
Speaker 1: the deli, Ben, taking his lead from the rock, would
5:55
Speaker 1: turn up his boombox kick open Shehan's bedroom door, and
5:59
Speaker 1: with that it was go time.
6:06
Speaker 2: And my parents don't even know this, and I'm sure
6:08
Speaker 2: if they ever hear this, this come to a who
6:10
Speaker 2: light of the day, they will be mortified. But we
6:12
Speaker 2: would take the cam quarter and there's these huge arm wars,
6:19
Speaker 2: probably like eight feet tall, and we would climb up
6:22
Speaker 2: to the top and we would jump all the way
6:24
Speaker 2: down to the other person who's laying.
6:25
Speaker 1: Hold on cow like the like the top rope in
6:29
Speaker 1: the top ring.
6:30
Speaker 2: Oh my god, And we broke every bed in the house.
6:35
Speaker 2: And Ah, I loved doing that with my cousin.
6:40
Speaker 1: Ben still has a video of Sheihan practicing one of
6:42
Speaker 1: his signature moves outside in the Alaskan snow. Outside the house,
6:49
Speaker 1: everything is blindingly white, Ben count Chihan down sick co
6:58
Speaker 1: Chihan climbs onto the balcony's top railing, and then she
7:03
Speaker 1: does a full front flip off the porch, landing onto
7:06
Speaker 1: his back in a foot of snow. And that's where
7:12
Speaker 1: the video stops, but it isn't where the night would end. Eventually,
7:18
Speaker 1: Ben's parents would return from the deli, and his mom
7:21
Speaker 1: would check in with the boys about their school work.
7:24
Speaker 1: Ben's mom took Sheihan's success as personally as she did Ben's.
7:28
Speaker 2: I'm probably gonna rehash many stereotypes of Korean mothers, but
7:34
Speaker 2: she definitely fit the mold in the sense that she
7:37
Speaker 2: instilled in me a very strong work ethic and expectations
7:42
Speaker 2: that were sometimes never able to be in the reach.
7:45
Speaker 1: And Ben's mom held Chihan to the same high bar
7:49
Speaker 1: as she did her own son. This meant that for Shehn,
7:52
Speaker 1: who'd been dropped into an American high school with almost
7:55
Speaker 1: no English, every day was a struggle.
7:58
Speaker 2: Here's somebody who's similar to my age, which plucked out
8:01
Speaker 2: of their country now has to speak a different language,
8:04
Speaker 2: held to this bar that's even tough for me to meet. Yeah,
8:08
Speaker 2: And like if I knew he was going to get
8:12
Speaker 2: a see in something. They're going to get into it
8:13
Speaker 2: for like an hour downstairs, Like I'm going to my room,
8:16
Speaker 2: I'm sutting the door. I don't want to hear it.
8:19
Speaker 1: Shutting the door was Ben's go to what he needed
8:22
Speaker 1: to do to stay focused, but in doing so, he
8:25
Speaker 1: was also shutting out his friend, and aside from his
8:28
Speaker 1: mom's pressure, Ben says Shehan's life was hard in other ways.
8:33
Speaker 1: Drunk guys yelling go back to your country, kids at
8:36
Speaker 1: school making fun of his English. Ben was born in Alaska.
8:40
Speaker 1: His mom was Korean, but his dad was white. He
8:44
Speaker 1: says he was able to camouflage more than Shehann could.
8:47
Speaker 1: Chi Ann could never escape the daily grind of being
8:49
Speaker 1: an outsider. When high school ended, Ben went off to
8:56
Speaker 1: college in Washington.
8:57
Speaker 4: Well.
8:57
Speaker 1: Sheihan, whose grades weren't as good, made an anchorage with
9:01
Speaker 1: Ben's parents and attended a local school. The boys kept
9:05
Speaker 1: in touch, but as college life grew busier, they spoke
9:08
Speaker 1: less and less, and then at the end of his
9:11
Speaker 1: second year, Ben received a phone call from home. His
9:15
Speaker 1: parents told him that after two years of struggling in school,
9:18
Speaker 1: Sheihan was calling it quits and going back to Korea.
9:22
Speaker 2: It was just like how he came, same way he left.
9:27
Speaker 1: After six years together, six years of being a family,
9:30
Speaker 1: Ben and Sheehan never even got to say goodbye, and
9:34
Speaker 1: once again Ben didn't ask any questions. Ben says that
9:42
Speaker 1: until recently, his recollections of Shehan were largely fun and
9:46
Speaker 1: silly ones, kids wrestling on a bed, kind of things.
9:50
Speaker 1: But now is a dad, perhaps imagining his own kid
9:53
Speaker 1: alone in a far away place, he finds himself recalling
9:57
Speaker 1: different memories, ones that are causing him a lot of guilt.
10:02
Speaker 2: I can more clearly think about the times where I
10:06
Speaker 2: would go to the restroom and I would see him
10:08
Speaker 2: just kind of at his desk, and it wasn't really
10:10
Speaker 2: doing anything.
10:13
Speaker 1: As a kid, Ben couldn't understand what Sheihan was going through,
10:17
Speaker 1: But now he can, and he regrets that all those
10:20
Speaker 1: years ago, he never tried to put himself in Sheihan's shoes.
10:27
Speaker 2: I never took the time to truly ask him how
10:32
Speaker 2: he was doing.
10:33
Speaker 1: Back then, Ben didn't ask she had any questions. But
10:37
Speaker 1: now that he's older, is in fact a grown ass
10:40
Speaker 1: doctor with a baby living in his toilet. He's full
10:43
Speaker 1: of them, and he wants answers, who was she had
10:47
Speaker 1: and how did he come to live with them? And
10:50
Speaker 1: perhaps most importantly.
10:52
Speaker 2: I want to know that he's safe and he's happy.
10:58
Speaker 2: I just want to know that she Han's doing okay.
11:01
Speaker 1: But that hasn't been easy to find out. The last
11:04
Speaker 1: time Ben heard from Sheihan was when he emailed him
11:06
Speaker 1: in invitation to his wedding over ten years ago. Chihan
11:10
Speaker 1: wrote back saying he couldn't make the trip. Ben continued
11:14
Speaker 1: to send emails over the years, but they went unanswered.
11:18
Speaker 1: Maybe Shehan was holding a grudge, upset Ben had never
11:21
Speaker 1: been there for him. But Ben didn't give up. At
11:24
Speaker 1: one point, he took to Reddit looking for tips on
11:27
Speaker 1: how to find his friend. One of the commenters was
11:30
Speaker 1: able to use an old screen name of Chian's to
11:32
Speaker 1: place him at a movie preview and soul. They sent
11:35
Speaker 1: Ben a video of the event, but Sheihan was nowhere
11:38
Speaker 1: to be found. In a last ditch effort, Ben even
11:42
Speaker 1: tried to find Sheihan physically. On vacation with his wife
11:46
Speaker 1: in China, he took a detour through Korea.
11:49
Speaker 2: The mission was to find my cousin.
11:53
Speaker 1: But the mission was a failure. At this point, Ben
11:56
Speaker 1: doesn't even know if Sheihan is alive or dead, and
11:59
Speaker 1: that's why come to me. What can I do? Is
12:07
Speaker 1: it a common name.
12:09
Speaker 2: Sheeon, that's not a super common first name. So this
12:14
Speaker 2: is gonna be more like a Gerald Smith.
12:16
Speaker 1: Let's google Jerald Smith and see what that comes up.
12:20
Speaker 1: With a lot of Gerald Smith's, I'll tell you the
12:24
Speaker 1: first one who comes up was the clergyman, politician, and
12:28
Speaker 1: Nazi sympathizer. To be clear, I'm journalist enough to track
12:34
Speaker 1: down one hundred at Korey and Gerald Smith's, but I
12:37
Speaker 1: wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just ask Ben's
12:40
Speaker 1: mom for she haand's whereabouts. Ben balks at the idea,
12:43
Speaker 1: though since Chian's departure in two thousand and six, it's
12:47
Speaker 1: like he never existed at all. Ben says that over
12:51
Speaker 1: the years he and his parents have hardly ever talked
12:53
Speaker 1: about Shehan. For his mom, especially the subject of Sheehan
12:57
Speaker 1: and her failure to help him succeed forbidden territory.
13:02
Speaker 2: If something is not a success in her life, I
13:08
Speaker 2: stay very far away from those because I imagine, in my interpretation,
13:13
Speaker 2: is my mom experiences those memories as pure pain.
13:18
Speaker 1: Like the Deli for instance, once it folded in twenty ten.
13:21
Speaker 1: His mom can never bring herself to even set foot
13:24
Speaker 1: in the mall it was in. Have you considered talking
13:27
Speaker 1: with your father?
13:30
Speaker 2: I haven't. Honestly, that's me and my parents. We don't
13:34
Speaker 2: talk about deep things ever.
13:38
Speaker 1: Deep things like who was that boy who lived in
13:41
Speaker 1: our house for six years? That none of us ever
13:43
Speaker 1: talk about. Ben and his dad usually stick to the
13:46
Speaker 1: weather or at most fishing, but Ben does think that
13:50
Speaker 1: his dad might have information, so together we phone him up.
13:58
Speaker 2: Hello, Hey, Dad, can you hear me? Oh? Yeah, hi son?
14:02
Speaker 5: How you doing.
14:04
Speaker 2: Doing good? So the reason why.
14:09
Speaker 1: Ben gets his dad up to speed, explaining how he's
14:11
Speaker 1: been carrying around a lot of guilt about Shihan and
14:14
Speaker 1: wants to find him. I asked Ben's dad if he
14:17
Speaker 1: knows how they first came to meet Sheihan.
14:20
Speaker 6: No, there was no there's no real family relationship, but
14:24
Speaker 6: it was something to this sect. I think there was
14:27
Speaker 6: some kind of connection over there in Korea.
14:30
Speaker 1: Though Ben's dad doesn't remember how they met Sheihan, he
14:33
Speaker 1: was happy to have him around. He thought she Han's
14:36
Speaker 1: playful personality was good for Ben.
14:39
Speaker 6: He was more of a social person.
14:42
Speaker 2: See I was a.
14:43
Speaker 7: Really nice guy.
14:44
Speaker 6: He had a very mellow personality, you know, happy, go lucky.
14:49
Speaker 6: He liked to interact and more than being a chiever,
14:53
Speaker 6: you know what I mean. Yeah, And I try to
14:55
Speaker 6: talk to mom about that and tell me that's his personality.
14:58
Speaker 2: He's different.
14:59
Speaker 6: But she had the feeling that she had to help
15:03
Speaker 6: him to get up there and achieve and get good
15:06
Speaker 6: results for his parents, you know. And I think they
15:09
Speaker 6: had a lot of high expectations, and I think that
15:11
Speaker 6: was part of the reason Mom might have been a
15:13
Speaker 6: little tough on I mean, because they were kind of
15:15
Speaker 6: tough on her what they expected.
15:18
Speaker 1: Ben always assumed his mom was pressuring she han to
15:21
Speaker 1: get perfect grades because she took his success so personally
15:25
Speaker 1: it hadn't occurred to him. Then Maybe it wasn't just that.
15:29
Speaker 1: It seems his mom had been under pressure too. Do
15:37
Speaker 1: you remember the moment when you said goodbye to him,
15:41
Speaker 1: when you saw him.
15:41
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah. It was kind of sad,
15:46
Speaker 2: you know.
15:46
Speaker 6: We gave him a hug and told him to take
15:50
Speaker 6: care of himself and keep in touch, you know, that
15:53
Speaker 6: kind of stuff, and he was he was kind of
15:54
Speaker 6: sad too.
15:56
Speaker 2: Did it seem like he wanted to leave was he.
16:01
Speaker 6: He seemed resigned to it. I think that's the best
16:03
Speaker 6: way to describe it.
16:05
Speaker 1: Ben's dad doesn't have a clue about how to get
16:08
Speaker 1: in touch with Sheihan, but he does have tips for
16:11
Speaker 1: how Ben might go about asking his mom for information.
16:14
Speaker 6: You know, I think if you, if you was to
16:17
Speaker 6: proach that with her, just one on one, you and.
16:22
Speaker 1: Her, that is not you and her and him your
16:26
Speaker 1: weird new best friend with the microphone.
16:28
Speaker 6: And just tell her wonder how he's doing. Do you
16:31
Speaker 6: know how I can get a hold I really want
16:32
Speaker 6: to talk to him. She would be more receptive to that,
16:37
Speaker 6: I think.
16:38
Speaker 2: Well, thankstad. I yeah, I just appreciate you man.
16:42
Speaker 6: I love doing stuff with you and do any matter
16:45
Speaker 6: of fact, I'm looking forward to going fishing with you
16:47
Speaker 6: when you come back down in.
16:50
Speaker 1: A few weeks later. Ben does as his dad advises
16:53
Speaker 1: and phones his mom without Your Humble Narrator, But sadly,
16:57
Speaker 1: she doesn't know how to contact Sihan either. However, she
17:01
Speaker 1: does have a story for Ben, a surprising one.
17:05
Speaker 2: So it's I guess it's more complicated.
17:09
Speaker 1: I think it turns out that the story of how
17:12
Speaker 1: Sheihn entered their lives began well before Ben was born.
17:17
Speaker 1: One day in nineteen eighty five, Ben's mom and dad
17:20
Speaker 1: were out for a drive when they spied an uncommon
17:23
Speaker 1: sight for Anchorage at the time. Walking down the street
17:26
Speaker 1: was an elderly Korean couple. Ben's parents slowed down and
17:30
Speaker 1: offered them a ride. The women bonded that day over
17:34
Speaker 1: the hardships they'd been through in Alaska, and over the
17:36
Speaker 1: months to follow they continued to visit one another and
17:40
Speaker 1: eventually became close. Soon after that, Ben was born.
17:45
Speaker 2: And so my mom had a really complicated postpartum course,
17:51
Speaker 2: a lot of medical complications. She was sick and kind
17:54
Speaker 2: of laid up for several months, and the grandma would
17:59
Speaker 2: take care of me this time when I was a newborn.
18:02
Speaker 1: This woman, this older woman who took care of you.
18:05
Speaker 2: Was Chion's grandmother. Huh, his mother's mother.
18:10
Speaker 1: In talking to his mom, Ben learned that as babies,
18:13
Speaker 1: he and Sheihan had both been cared for by the
18:16
Speaker 1: same person, held by the same arms. The grandmother's kindness
18:20
Speaker 1: would be repaid some fourteen years later, with her grandson
18:23
Speaker 1: Sheehan being accepted into Ben's family's home. Ben had never
18:28
Speaker 1: heard any of this, and why.
18:31
Speaker 2: My mom said she didn't want to distract me from
18:34
Speaker 2: all the studying I was doing.
18:37
Speaker 1: Classic going through Ben's family to find Shehan seems to
18:44
Speaker 1: have hit a dead end. It's time for a new approach,
18:48
Speaker 1: and so I gird my loins and reach into the
18:51
Speaker 1: deepest recesses of my people, finding strategic nugget satchel and
18:56
Speaker 1: withdraw the choicest strategic nugget and choicest rategic nugget dipping
19:01
Speaker 1: sauce my desperate mind fingers can grasp. Maybe try shooting
19:07
Speaker 1: an email to that address again, you know what I mean? Ben?
19:20
Speaker 2: Hello?
19:21
Speaker 1: Yes, Hi, Hey, I came as quickly as I could
19:26
Speaker 1: when you sent up the heavyweight signal into the sky.
19:30
Speaker 1: Now what's going on?
19:32
Speaker 2: Yeah? So you remember? Okay? Uh we last time we chatted,
19:39
Speaker 2: which was less than a day ago. We decided I
19:43
Speaker 2: would send one final email and then uh and and
19:50
Speaker 2: he replied.
20:11
Speaker 1: After ten years of unanswered emails, Ben finally receives a response.
20:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, so he says, Hey Ben, Wow, so long time.
20:20
Speaker 2: First of all, thank you for not forgetting about me
20:24
Speaker 2: and trying to email me again. I'm so glad to
20:27
Speaker 2: talk to you again and miss you your mom and
20:29
Speaker 2: your dad so much. Oh God, bless you always.
20:33
Speaker 1: Bro.
20:35
Speaker 2: That's it.
20:39
Speaker 1: And so we roll up our sleeves and tackle the
20:42
Speaker 1: mathematical equations necessary for converting American time to Korean time.
20:48
Speaker 1: And then we get into a video call and wait.
20:52
Speaker 2: I'm sure he's gonna look at me and be like,
20:54
Speaker 2: what the hell happened to you? Man? Where'd all your
20:55
Speaker 2: hair go? I don't even know what he's gonna look like.
20:58
Speaker 2: He could look completely differ two. I mean, it's been
21:01
Speaker 2: twenty years.
21:04
Speaker 1: And since it has been so long, Ben isn't sure
21:06
Speaker 1: what Chian's English will be like. So I've hired a
21:09
Speaker 1: Korean interpreter named Max to join us just in case.
21:13
Speaker 2: Hello.
21:14
Speaker 1: Max lives in Seoul, but spent his childhood in the US.
21:18
Speaker 1: Like Ben, he went to Korean school as a kid.
21:21
Speaker 5: I remember just like thinking I don't need this.
21:24
Speaker 2: Yeah, it turns out I did. Yeah, let up to
21:27
Speaker 2: this moment.
21:28
Speaker 1: And by this moment, Max means this moment, here we.
21:32
Speaker 8: Go sean, Oh my gosh.
21:43
Speaker 1: Chian raises his arms in triumph. Ben is downright gigly.
21:48
Speaker 9: Actually, I was waiting sitting on my lapt I was
21:51
Speaker 9: like an hour ago.
21:53
Speaker 4: You and I look so old.
21:55
Speaker 2: No, dude, I look old. Are you kidding me? What
21:58
Speaker 2: a quata? I have no hair? Ben says, because, dude,
22:03
Speaker 2: you look the same. It's really good to see you.
22:06
Speaker 4: Almost twenty years.
22:08
Speaker 2: Almost twenty years.
22:16
Speaker 9: First of all, first level has been I want to
22:19
Speaker 9: ask you to your dad.
22:20
Speaker 4: And mom is still right? Everything?
22:23
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're they're they're doing good. Uh still in Alaska.
22:29
Speaker 4: Mom's still annoying, right, Mom's still annoying.
22:35
Speaker 9: Right.
22:36
Speaker 1: It's the kind of thing only a son or daughter
22:38
Speaker 1: could say.
22:40
Speaker 4: Ben's mom is like almost like my second mom.
22:43
Speaker 2: So if I see.
22:45
Speaker 4: Your mom, probably I would cry right away.
22:47
Speaker 2: I guess, even though even though all the all the
22:50
Speaker 2: arguments and all the yelling, you know what, just.
22:56
Speaker 9: Any kind of countries, the bomb is all same. You know,
23:00
Speaker 9: even my mommy Korea.
23:02
Speaker 2: Wow, I think if she saw your face she would
23:05
Speaker 2: also cry too. Oh okay, where where do we begin?
23:12
Speaker 1: Ben and ch An catch up. Chian still lives in
23:15
Speaker 1: Seoul and works in sales. They tell each other about
23:18
Speaker 1: their families, but soon enough they're reminiscing about old times.
23:23
Speaker 2: Oh, I totally remember that now were so much the first.
23:27
Speaker 4: Time ever I saw You're dead.
23:28
Speaker 1: Yelly, replaying their finest moments in professional wrestling. We would
23:33
Speaker 1: watch SmackDown, laughing about the movies they watched as kids.
23:39
Speaker 2: Do you remember if we watch American Pie?
23:43
Speaker 4: Actually he's an American Pie too.
23:46
Speaker 1: And revisiting the American Pie two? Like New Year's Eve
23:50
Speaker 1: they spent together where she Han infamously projectile vomited onto
23:54
Speaker 1: a passerby.
23:55
Speaker 2: All over her shirt and chat once.
24:06
Speaker 1: Ben and Sheehan, I've settled in with each other. I
24:09
Speaker 1: try to steer things towards the bigger conversation that I
24:12
Speaker 1: know Ben wants to have. What was it like when
24:15
Speaker 1: you first showed up? What was your feeling?
24:18
Speaker 5: Oh?
24:18
Speaker 4: I scared?
24:20
Speaker 9: Yeah, I missed my parents, I miss my Korean friends. Yeah,
24:25
Speaker 9: actually I cried every single night.
24:28
Speaker 6: You know.
24:29
Speaker 1: After just a short time in America and with very
24:32
Speaker 1: limited English, Chihan was placed in Ben's class. Sheehan remembers
24:37
Speaker 1: Ben as the perfect student.
24:39
Speaker 9: Me was just first time. You know, I had to
24:43
Speaker 9: study really really a lot. Even I was doing the homework,
24:48
Speaker 9: you know, I was to use the dictionary every single word.
24:52
Speaker 9: I took like a two hours, just finished up like
24:55
Speaker 9: a few sentences.
24:56
Speaker 4: You know.
24:57
Speaker 1: Ben is listening carefully and Chian has finished speaking, he
25:01
Speaker 1: says the thing he's been wanting to say for a
25:03
Speaker 1: while now.
25:07
Speaker 2: I felt guilty because I thought about how you left
25:12
Speaker 2: all of a sudden, and and how I felt like
25:16
Speaker 2: how maybe I didn't support you. I know it was
25:20
Speaker 2: like tough because you know, coming to the United States
25:24
Speaker 2: and English is second language, and I, I don't know.
25:28
Speaker 2: I just thought about us a lot, and I felt
25:30
Speaker 2: really bad like I could have supported you better than
25:34
Speaker 2: Chion cuts Ben off.
25:36
Speaker 9: You are a teenager. I'm the teenager too. Yeah, how
25:42
Speaker 9: can I say?
25:44
Speaker 1: Chian is grasping for the right words, Max, okay, yeah
25:50
Speaker 1: the move. For the first time during our conversation, Chann
25:55
Speaker 1: reverts to Korean and makes use of our interpreter Max.
25:59
Speaker 1: He wants to get the wording of what he's about
26:01
Speaker 1: to say just right.
26:03
Speaker 5: Ben says, Chenes, you know said that don't feel too
26:06
Speaker 5: guilty about not having been more supportive of him. He
26:12
Speaker 5: noticed that you use the word guilt and said, you know, specifically,
26:15
Speaker 5: don't feel guilt.
26:18
Speaker 1: Guilt is for when we've done something wrong and want
26:21
Speaker 1: to make amends. But she assures Ben that he's done
26:24
Speaker 1: nothing to make amends for your parents took me in
26:27
Speaker 1: even though I was a stranger, Sheian says, they took
26:30
Speaker 1: me on their vacations, made sure I at Christmas presents.
26:34
Speaker 1: They made me feel like one of the family.
26:37
Speaker 9: Ben and Ben's parents helped me a lot in high school.
26:41
Speaker 4: Ben was like right behind me, right with me.
26:51
Speaker 1: Then, through Max, Shean lays out the story of why
26:55
Speaker 1: he had to go back to Korea, which, as it
26:57
Speaker 1: turns out, wasn't quite so well of a sudden. In fact,
27:00
Speaker 1: it wasn't anything like the story Ben had been told.
27:03
Speaker 5: You know, his family was sending him, you know, money
27:06
Speaker 5: when he was in Alaska, and then his father's company
27:11
Speaker 5: went bankrupt, went under.
27:13
Speaker 1: Chan's family could no longer afford to keep him in America.
27:17
Speaker 1: So there was nothing Ben, his mother, or even Sheehan
27:20
Speaker 1: could have done. Chian's return to Korea was inevitable.
27:24
Speaker 5: You know, thinking back, he feels like all the help,
27:27
Speaker 5: all the support was enough, Like you guys did enough,
27:31
Speaker 5: and even if you know, this sort of collective goal
27:36
Speaker 5: in a way wasn't achieved, he doesn't think back on
27:41
Speaker 5: that with this great regret.
27:44
Speaker 2: Well, thank you for that.
27:50
Speaker 1: For years, Ben had seen himself as having failed Sheihan.
27:54
Speaker 1: But to hear Chian tell it that isn't the case.
27:58
Speaker 1: He returned home with stories to tell about his Alaskan
28:01
Speaker 1: adventures and the friends he made. For Sheihan, those are
28:05
Speaker 1: the real memories that remain to quote Ben's dad. Maybe
28:09
Speaker 1: that's just Sheihan's personality in spite of counseling against them.
28:22
Speaker 1: It seems like Sheihan has a couple of regrets of
28:24
Speaker 1: his own.
28:25
Speaker 9: You send me email and enjoining your marriage for the
28:29
Speaker 9: best man, but I couldn't.
28:32
Speaker 2: Ben.
28:32
Speaker 1: It told me he'd invited Chian to his wedding. But
28:35
Speaker 1: this is the first I'm hearing of the role he'd
28:38
Speaker 1: been asked to play. Is Sheann remembering correctly that you
28:41
Speaker 1: were asking him to be your best man?
28:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, I actually didn't have a best man after Shan
28:49
Speaker 2: said he couldn't come. Yeah. I didn't maybe fully recognize
28:56
Speaker 2: it at the time, but I think as time went on,
28:59
Speaker 2: I'm going to college, I didn't have like any friends
29:02
Speaker 2: that I was like super super close with, and so
29:05
Speaker 2: I still look back to be like, who was I
29:08
Speaker 2: closest with? And that was shown.
29:15
Speaker 4: Funny things.
29:16
Speaker 9: I have lots of friends, close friend I have lots
29:18
Speaker 9: of best friends, But I think as Ben, not as friend.
29:25
Speaker 4: As brother.
29:26
Speaker 1: You know, a brother is someone who's seen your mild
29:30
Speaker 1: manner dad yell at you, someone who's comfortable telling you
29:33
Speaker 1: how annoying your mom is, because not only do you
29:36
Speaker 1: both know it's true, but it's also being said with love.
29:47
Speaker 1: Ben still has one more question the when he first
29:50
Speaker 1: came to me with that he worried about most.
29:53
Speaker 2: I guess my next question is are you happy?
29:59
Speaker 1: Are you happy can be lumped into the how you
30:01
Speaker 1: do in category of conversation, but knowing how much this
30:05
Speaker 1: question has occupied Ben through the years, it doesn't feel
30:08
Speaker 1: like small talk, nor does she Han's response.
30:13
Speaker 4: Ah, of course.
30:18
Speaker 1: Of course, there's no hesitation. Chion says that he and
30:22
Speaker 1: his extended family all live in the same neighborhood and
30:25
Speaker 1: see each other often. He has a job he likes
30:28
Speaker 1: and is good at. He's had the same group of
30:30
Speaker 1: friends since his twenties, friends he loves, and perhaps most importantly,
30:36
Speaker 1: he's a new dad.
30:39
Speaker 4: Just second Jessica.
30:42
Speaker 1: Ben wants to see Shean's son, and Sheeon wants to
30:45
Speaker 1: see Ben's son. They both run to get their kids,
30:48
Speaker 1: in Ben's case, from the toilet.
30:50
Speaker 2: Oh hello, see look.
30:55
Speaker 1: Ben and Sheehan hold their babies up to the camera
30:58
Speaker 1: just as you might expect. Ben baby has hair parted
31:01
Speaker 1: to the side like a baby anchorman, and Sihan's son
31:05
Speaker 1: has hair like a lit match deck.
31:07
Speaker 2: Look at that hair you just got.
31:10
Speaker 4: He's so angry, I know.
31:13
Speaker 2: Oh okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, okay, say good night everybody.
31:21
Speaker 1: Daddy Ben. Oh. As much as Ben has worried about
31:33
Speaker 1: Sihan over the years about being there or not being there,
31:37
Speaker 1: they're together now and they both seem happy.
31:55
Speaker 2: I think we need to get some flights. We got
31:57
Speaker 2: to do it proper.
31:59
Speaker 1: You know how when those American pie style movies, there's
32:01
Speaker 1: always that guy who's got a plan that's going to
32:04
Speaker 1: lead to everyone's most epic night ever.
32:06
Speaker 2: Jonathan, you got to book us some flights. We got
32:08
Speaker 2: to go to Korea.
32:10
Speaker 1: It turns out that under all the lab codes and stethoscopes,
32:13
Speaker 1: Ben's that guy.
32:15
Speaker 2: And then we're gonna do some karaoke together and.
32:17
Speaker 1: Then she and vomits on my chest.
32:19
Speaker 8: Yeah exactly.
32:22
Speaker 1: But since I'm not the guy in the movie who
32:24
Speaker 1: charters a private jet and flies everyone to Korea, have
32:27
Speaker 1: you guys ever tried to do online karaoke?
32:31
Speaker 7: Oh?
32:32
Speaker 2: My god?
32:34
Speaker 1: Professional since I'm not taking them to the Korean karaoke bar.
32:40
Speaker 1: I bring the karaoke bar to us, and with it
32:44
Speaker 1: a little creed. Oh well, sure it's eleven am in Korea,
32:50
Speaker 1: not exactly cocktail hour. And sure I'm paying our interpreter
32:54
Speaker 1: Max by the hour.
32:55
Speaker 2: Do you remember create?
32:57
Speaker 1: But Ben doesn't care today. He's the happy, go lucky one.
33:02
Speaker 1: He kicks in the door, opens his arms and lungs
33:06
Speaker 1: and sings lodges her.
33:10
Speaker 2: Shan the news today, you remember, she? It seems my love. Yeah,
33:18
Speaker 2: it's gold a change.
33:20
Speaker 4: I'm so sorry.
33:21
Speaker 8: I close my eyes.
33:24
Speaker 1: No, no, no, begin to pray, Max, can you translate?
33:29
Speaker 3: He is of.
33:30
Speaker 10: Joy streamed down my face, Ready with arms, Widow, it
33:36
Speaker 10: was sleeping right now, Now that the fern ures rift.
34:26
Speaker 4: Turn into its good.
34:28
Speaker 7: Will home, now that the last month's rent is skiming
34:36
Speaker 7: with the damage deposit.
34:39
Speaker 2: Take this moment to dissolve.
34:43
Speaker 7: If we message, if we tried, we felt around for
34:49
Speaker 7: far too.
34:52
Speaker 8: From things that accidentally talked.
34:59
Speaker 1: This A was produced by Moheeny mcgouger and me Jonathan Goldstein.
35:04
Speaker 1: Our senior producer is Khalila holt Our. Supervising producer is
35:07
Speaker 1: Stevie Lane. Production help from Damiano Marquetti. Special thanks to
35:11
Speaker 1: Emily Condon, Brendan Klinkenberg, Lisa Wang, Alex Bloomberg, Christopher Ibeling,
35:17
Speaker 1: and Jackie Cohen. Bobby Lord mixed the episode with original
35:20
Speaker 1: music by Christine Fellows, John K. Sampson, Ben Alaman and
35:24
Speaker 1: Bobby Lord. Additional music credits can be found on our website,
35:27
Speaker 1: Gimbletmedia dot com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by
35:31
Speaker 1: The Weaker Bands, courtesy of Epitaph Records.
35:34
Speaker 2: Follow us on.
35:35
Speaker 1: Twitter at Heavyweight or email us at Heavyweight at gimletmedia
35:38
Speaker 1: dot com. We'll be back with a new episode next
35:42
Speaker 1: week