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How To Have A Great Romantic Relationship · The Missing Secret Podcast

• 0:04
  Unknown: We believe life is precious. This is it. We've got one shot at this. It's on us to live life to the fullest to maximize what we've been given and play the game of life at our full potential. Are you living up to your potential? Are you frustrated that despite your best intentions, you just can't seem to make the changes needed to take things to the next level. So you can impact your career relationships and health. If this is hitting home, you're in the right place. Our mission is to open the door to the exceptional life by showing you how to play the game of life at a higher level. So you're playing at your full potential, rather than at a fraction as most people do. We'll share the one thing that once we learned it, our lives were transformed. And once you learn it, watch what happens.
• 0:57
  Welcome to think it be it the podcast. I'm Kelly Hatfield. And I'm John Michell. So we've got a pretty cool topic to discuss today, something that's probably near and dear to everybody's heart, how to have a great romantic relationship, as well as great relationships in general.
• 1:19
  So what do you think about that topic? Kelly? You know, it's so important. And we've talked about this before, but your relationship with your partner, whether you're married or not your romantic partner, your life partner, however you want to describe it, is the single one of the most important relationships in your life as it relates to happiness. I mean, you all know, if you're miserable in your relationship, it bleeds into every other area of your life. Right? So this is such an important topic. Yeah, you know, I was just reading Wall Street in the Wall Street Journal yesterday, it talked about
• 1:53
  Harvard has done this study for 80 years, to ascertain how to grow old successfully and have a happy life. And they said that the biggest factor was
• 2:11
  your relationships, and, and particularly your romantic relationship, that, that if at if if 50, you you had a good romantic relationship, your likelihood of having a great life at 8085 was was like four times better than if you didn't have a great relationship. And I remember when I was
• 2:38
  in my 30s, there, I remember seeing a poster that said the biggest and it had like 30 top lessons in life to have a successful life. And, and number one was
• 2:54
  marry the right person, because that relationship impacted your, your happiness more than any other external factor. And, boy, that that was so true. And, you know, in coaching people I am hyper tuned into their romantic relationship, do they have one? Or do they not have one?
• 3:22
  What do I think about the relationship based on either knowing that the other person or knowing what they're telling me? But, you know, why don't you share with the audience your observation on on finding the right one, because I know you got a bunch of
• 3:40
  20 and 30 year old women working for you. And they're probably all looking for the right one. And they don't necessarily know
• 3:50
  exactly what they're looking for. What's your take on that? Yeah, I think so. I want everybody to take this. So as far as just from my coaching experience, I'm going to share this but you are I am, I have been married for 28 years.
• 4:05
  So I've been off the market and not on this theme for a really long time. But let me tell you, when I'm talking with my team, you know who I've got a lot of women, as you mentioned, that work for me that are in that 30, you know, late 20s 30s. And it is about being crystal clear about and again, we talk a lot about clarity, but it's being crystal clear about what you want that partner to be like, you know, what are the different traits you want them to have? How do you want them to treat you, you know, having a lot of clarity around this person, you know, and and then it's asking yourself the question, you know, how do I need to develop myself to attract this type of person into my life? You know, because there may be some people who are listening that are like, Yeah, well, 50% or over 50% of marriages fail. You know, I've tried before I've never failed
• 5:00
  On the right partner, you know, and it is putting in the work to see, okay, you know, what do I want in a partner? How do I need to show up to attract that partner into my life, and a lot of clarity around that. So there's that version of yourself, because there's something if you're in these patterns of picking people, you know, your pickers off, you know, uh, you know, a lot of the time, it's because the work
• 5:26
  hasn't been done, to really get clear about the type of person that you want in your life, and
• 5:33
  who you need to become what enhancing and growing yourself and developing yourself to become the type of person that attracts that individual. And I think that
• 5:44
  we talk a lot about the subconscious. That's what our whole, you know, 95% of our thoughts are subconscious. Well, our subconscious is made up of all of these stories of all the I liken them to like, you know, the ruts in a, in a gravel road that you're going down or a dirt road, we get stuck in these patterns of picking people that, you know, it's like, so until you do the work and you understand, you know, why you keep picking the same person or you're not, you're not attracting the people into your life that are the right people that are, you know, until you do that work, it's it's, you're, you're repeating, you continue to repeat those same patterns, right, that's my first get clarity, and then get clear about who you need, how you need to show up in the world to attract that person into your life. Right. You know, I know from from dating in my
• 6:39
  early 20s 30s, and 40s. And, and this, this may be primarily a guy thing, but I think it's true with women. You know,
• 6:51
  I was attracted to licks, you know, I mean, that's human nature. And I think women are that way too. And, and, and, you know, looks only go so far, in fact, not very far. And when I turned 50, and was like intent on finding my wife. I'm like, okay, she's got to be smart. She's got to have a great sense of humor, she got to make me laugh. And she's got to laugh at my jokes, which was even tougher to find.
• 7:25
  Lord, and I, I remember one of the
• 7:30
  things that like, blew me away with ginger when I was meeting her, I don't know if I ever told you this. So I was in the reverse mortgage business. And I had this this like, three minute video that would play on our website of me explaining reverse mortgages. And we've been dating about two or three months. And it just comes up in the conversation that oftentimes when she leaves my house, she goes and on the website and watches that video.
• 7:59
  And I'm like, Oh, my God, if I don't marry this girl, I'm an idiot.
• 8:06
  And but, you know, to the larger point, I saw that, having intention and clarity about just what you said, exactly the attributes I want in the person, and who do I need to be to attract him. And, and so I think that's sort of step one is, is you've got to make a good choice. And you got to know what a good choice is. But the other thing is, once you're in the relationship, and you've made the choice.
• 8:36
  Now the other half the battle happens, and I see that
• 8:42
  that there's like, three or four key habits that you can do to have a great relationship. And like one of them that I'm big on is having a Sunday talk, or basically a once a week talk ginger, and I do it at 8pm every Sunday. And the there's two parts the talk, the first part is we talk about anything that was an issue or a problem during the week. And the second part is we tell each other, how much we love each other and why. And most of the talks are on how much we love each other and why and and that just reinforcement every week is powerful. It also causes
• 9:28
  nothing to sort of build up. Um, I'm curious, what else would you say is important in terms of habits for having a great relationship? Yeah, I think that what you just mentioned is key. I think that we've got a weekly check in ours is really, really simple. You know, we have a date night. So we make each other a priority. There's intention around spending time together with one another.
• 9:52
  And when we do that check in it's like, okay, on a scale of one to 10 How would you rate our relationship this week? Right, you know, and it's like,
• 10:00
  Okay, well, it was an eight, well, what would have made it a 10? You know? Well, when we were having that conversation, I could tell you weren't really listening to me because you kept looking at your phone, or something along those lines, why didn't feel seen or whatever the case may be, you know, and it's like, oh, okay, so now that's on there. Again, it allows, so that resentment doesn't build up. And, you know, you're just checking in with each other. And so I think that having kind of that pulse on each other, and checking in on a weekly basis, and having some dedicated time with one another is really important. And I think, you know, um, hey, marriage is hard. It's like any relationship, you know what I mean? It takes work, it takes nurturing, it takes cultivating, it takes for, you know, here's what I find with people who I love the most, you know, in this world is that it's easy to, for them to get the short end of the stick, when you're super stressed to be short, to be impatient to be, because there's that level of trust, and you they oftentimes get the short end of the stick. Yeah, you know, when they should be the ones that are getting the best of you. And oftentimes, it's the other way around. And so I think one of the habits that you've that you have to do, again, it's that subconscious, it's like, how being clear about how you want to show up with this individual, you know, what are maybe three words, you know, that are going to define, you know, how you show up with your partner, you know, or like we talked about at the beginning, John, you mentioned any relationship, how I'm going to show up with my kids, I'm going to show up with my team, I'm, you know, where you're really thinking through, okay, you know, I want to be present, you know, I want to be like, what are those words? patient, you know, right. So what are those words, and then, through the methodology, and we'll talk a little bit more about this, it is
• 12:02
  programming that subconscious. So you begin to show up that way, programming that autopilot, you know, instead of, you know, and I'll give an example here really quick, you know, when I was working in the office all the time, I work remotely a lot now, but when I was working in the office all the time,
• 12:20
  I would come home, you know, it was, Hey, how'd your day go? Great, how'd your day go great, everything was really surfacey stressed, you know, trying to running as fast as we can all day trying to get everything done around the house, when we get home and not really connecting with each other? Well,
• 12:40
  let's fast forward to implementing some of these strategies, where now one of the triggers for me is when the garage door opens, I think of those three words and how I need to show up. So when I enter, what are the three words, you know, so for right now, like, again, I'm not doing that anymore, but it is present that was first and foremost, patient, and just kind, you know, so not letting my you know,
• 13:07
  quick, you know, like, you know, whatever the case may be, you know, not being too short, or anything along those lines, but was the trigger was the garage door opening, the garage door opening was almost for me like it was clearing the cache in my brain. And the treasure was that door opening is like, Okay, this is the version now could decompressed on the way home. Now you need to wait to be and if you can't be that for, and you need a couple more minutes, then you sit in the car, you know what I mean? And you can be that when you walk in the door. And then the level of the relationship changes. Because what we know it's called mirroring, you begin to show up differently in the relationship, your partner, oftentimes, not always, but most of the time with just the way we're designed, acts in kind. So day. Two, so if you're giving your partner more compliments, you know, and making it a point to give compliments on a daily basis, one or two, then all of a sudden, you'll start to see some of that come back to you. And that's just the natural, you know, the way that it typically works and the way our brains work. So anyway, you know, I think that's that's excellent. And and, you know, at this at the very start of our podcast is is the lead in the intro, it talks about once you and I learn one thing, our lives were never the same. Let me just clarify for the audience. What that one thing is we learned that 95% of our daily actions are unconscious and how that relates to this is 95% of your actions with regards to your significant other are unconscious, and that is what is determining the quality of your relationship and therefore if they're unconscious
• 15:00
  If you don't actually control him, all you control is your intention. And so
• 15:07
  let's roll in now to how do we, how do we get the right actions relative to marriage to show up, and I'll give the full way we do it through our 12 minute a methodology and why don't you get the shorter, maybe lighter way and people can choose.
• 15:31
  And so the full way you would do this is, and I'll just hit on some things real quick. The the Sunday talk at eight 8pm with your spouse,
• 15:45
  I, every day I feed myself, I'm flexible, patient and thoughtful. Those are my three key words. I'm also tuning in to noticing when my spouse says something irritating, and just focusing on noticing the irritation, not reacting to the irritation, what a game changer that has been. And obviously, that is pure subconscious mind. Because the moment you're irritated,
• 16:13
  you You're, you're totally reactive. And but because I was able to train my brain to just keep my big mouth shut when I was irritated, and just notice the irritation, then that that gave me just enough cognition in that moment, then to just shut up and let her say what she was going to say, because oftentimes, she had something
• 16:39
  that was really valuable to me. And, and
• 16:44
  you know, the other thing that that sort of we teach is this idea of validation of mirroring, validation and empathy, where if you really have a fight, an actual fight, which doesn't happen very often, but but if you do, the, the technique is you just calm down, and, and you have one person give their point of view, and the other person mirrors it back to him. And, and don't end doesn't have to agree with them, but just mirrors it back. And then once it's mirrored back, you validate it and give empathy, and then you you do it on the other side. And that's a great technique. And so how to get all this to show up in your thoughts and actions automatically.
• 17:36
  Is that in our, our 12 minute a day technique, you'll put in their I'm flexible patient and thoughtful. You'll put in there that we have our relationship talk every Sunday at
• 17:52
  eight 8pm
• 17:54
  You put in there that the moment my spouse says something irritating, I simply notice the irritation, and then let them finish whatever they were saying. So that was to me are are how you apply this. So it so it impacts your subconscious mind. And so it all happens automatically. So you want to share that the lighter version of how to do this. Yeah, and just let me add a little bit of clarity. So like, literally, you are writing some specific phrases, sentences that are structured that you are reading, you know, either, you know, just reading your you are reading them out loud, you're maybe listening to them, whatever the you know, but you are feeding
• 18:44
  these sentences about how you are going to show up your reader. That's what's programming your subconscious. Is you getting that clarity, and then reading these. Is that right, John? Yeah, yeah, it's like you were explaining that there's, there's apps now, which will send you a text message as an example. Like if you wanted to be flexible, patient and thoughtful. You'd get one of these apps. And you key it in that the message is I'm flexible patient and thoughtful. And you said it that I want it to send to me at 10am Every
• 19:21
  Monday through Friday.
• 19:23
  And maybe maybe you have it at at 5pm so that as you're about to interact with your spouse now it's but but that's the that's maybe the light way to do it. Yeah, no, and I think yeah, I just wanted to get clarity around what you meant. Because it was unclear when you say feed yourself, you know, it's like okay, well, you know, so I want to be the light version would be using technology to send reminders to you throughout the day. You can go totally low tech and you could put a a sentence or two about how you want to show up in your, you know, in your with your partner on your mirror and
• 20:00
  The bathroom so that when you're brushing your teeth, you know, you're reminding yourself and resetting that autopilot, you know, to be paying attention to that throughout the day, because I'll tell you what, like when this is on your radar. And when you wrote reprogrammed your subconscious, you know, that autopilot, you know, like halfway through when something is coming out of my mouth because we're real, we're people here, you know what I mean? Like these techniques work. But what the interesting part is, is like when I, you know, I'm,
• 20:33
  you know, it's just a moment, you know, I'm like, oh, as soon as it either starts to come out, or I think about it, I'm recognizing it saying, that is not how I want to show up in this relationship. Or if I have a moment, I'm like, not proud of how I showed up because it was totally against, you know, what I'm working toward, you know, so just this being in your, on your radar and your reticular activating system, in a lot of things we'll be talking about in the future, makes all of the difference in the world. So starting small, the small entry point being, you know, putting on your mirror. The other thing that's really, really helpful is jotting some things down each day that you're grateful for it that you're in your partner, that you round, is that you, because this is like anything, the energy you put out is what you get back. So if you're picking and nitpicking at everything, and all of this person's, you know, all of this individuals weaknesses, you know, and then that's all you see, whatever you look for, you'll find, yeah, you know, and so I think it's, some of the light version would be doing some of those things, writing, you know, gratitude for the day about your partner, putting something up on your mirror about how you want to show up, or those three words, using technology to set reminders that pop in throughout the day, to remind you of how you want to be showing up in your different relationships. And so that there's a set of some of the kind of light ways to get an entry point into it. You know, I think that's, you know, almost hate to say the light way, because it, it doesn't sound as serious but, but I think when people are first introduced to this idea that 95% of your daily actions are unconscious, they got, they got to get their arms around it and believe it. And once you look and do the research, even if you Google it, it's it'll say that 95% are unconscious. But once you start playing with this with with intentionally trying to manipulate your subconscious mind, to get something to show up, a whole new world opens up. And so you know, whether you put I'm flexible patient or thoughtful, and have that sent to you five days a week, or whatever it is, or putting that on your mirror, I think it's a great as you sort of
• 22:57
  get indoctrinated to this idea of intentionally influencing your subconscious mind. And then when you want to go the next level up and do our full technique, you know, you're, you're, as part of it you're defining, here's the person I want to be, I need to be to attract the person, if you're in the looking stage. And if you've already found him, then you're going to articulate here's,
• 23:24
  here's all the great attributes of my partner, and you're feeding that yourself every day. And, you know, whatever you want to show up in your relationship, you're feeding it to yourself in your daily life, GPS, and that's the more full way. So, John, a question for you. And I know we want to wind up, but I like where this is going. And I want to expand on this for just a second. There may be some people who are listening, that are in a relationship right now, but are unsure about whether it's the right relationship, when we're talking about getting clarity, you know, identifying the type of partner that you want to be with, and attributes things along those lines. And maybe they're wondering or have wondered for quite some time, whether they're in the right relationship. What advice does the advice change? You know, you know, what advice do you have for those people? Because I know there are a lot of people. I mean, we so many of our clients, when we first started out, are in a place where their relationships, they would write them a three or four, you know, like to have contemplated at one point or another whether this was the right relationship. So, you know, is, is this the first step? Do you see implementing some of these things to start to see
• 24:43
  whether this is a relationship that's that's tenable and one that you stay in or what are your thoughts? Kelly, I'm glad you brought this question to me.
• 24:56
  I'm not sure
• 25:00
  Hmm, oh, that's sorry.
• 25:06
  That hurts me?
• 25:09
  Well, my answer that is, well, you know, when we ask our clients we write have them write your romantic relationship on a scale of one to 10. And so many times it was four or five. And,
• 25:23
  you know, from from dating more than anybody I know.
• 25:29
  I have a lot of experience. I know you're laughing, but but I do. And, you know, my first thing to say is that, whoever you're married to try and make it work with them, because you think the grass is always greener, trust me, trust me, it's, it is a jungle out there to find a quality person. So the first step is, is you improve, and see what happens with your spouse, because inevitably, they will improve too, but, and you I think, you also have to think yourself, what's important to me, for me, it was they have to make me laugh, I've got to have chemistry with them. And they got to be smart. That's it. And, and interestingly enough, that would have eliminated 90% of candidates, those three requirements.
• 26:34
  But, and so I think that's the key is figure out,
• 26:40
  improve you and then see what happens with your spouse, but also
• 26:46
  be clear about what's important to you. And objectively does a person can they be the your your life partner or not. That's, that's my take on it. No, I love that I love her. It's like work on you first see people, you know, if they do that mirroring and kind of follow suit, you get a lot of clarity around that. And then, you know, once you've done the work, you know, you can start to look at things more closely. But be my was Be careful. Again, it's the energy that you put out is what you get back. So, and so many people who I talk with are, it's like, oh, he's this and I'm like, Okay, well, wait just a second, let's just visit about, like, what are some of the things that he's doing? Great. Yeah. When was the last time that you told him that? Right. You know, like, there's so many things, there's so many, so much of this stuff. You know, again, it all picks up energy. And that's where some of the things we're talking about those weekly talks, you know, showing up the way you want treating people how you want to be treated the golden rule, you know, looking for the good in people recognizing them for that, that's one of my things is I look for the good in Jared and compliment him at least once a day on whatever that is. I say thank you, thank you so much for doing that you didn't you know, and then guess what he does?
• 28:06
  Yes, no kidding. Well, you know, men are men are so easy to
• 28:12
  you know, they if you just compliment us. That's why, you know, criticism is so devastating. But, you know, I just gave, you know, on the mental coach for the 19 head coaches at the University of Texas, and I just gave them John Gray's 50 minute discussion he wrote men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Yeah. And, and, you know, so many interesting things came out of that, that, that the number one reason men get a divorce, is they go, I can never please her. Well, you know, men were all about pleasing our women in a number of ways, but but so that's why criticism is so
• 29:00
  such a bummer for a man and, and on women. You know, men have to realize that women just want to feel heard, and you need to let them talk. And in this
• 29:17
  presentation by John Gray, he says that the effect of having testosterone coursing through a man's veins causes him to be efficient. He wants to achieve he wants to have us an economy of words. Well, that's the opposite effect of, of estrogen flowing through your veins, you know, a causes them to want to feel and and therefore, that's why they have a need to talk and it's it's helped me let my little talker do a little more talk.
• 29:54
  And, and be okay with it. So, no, I think just understanding each
• 30:00
  Gather so no, I wanted to throw that out there because I know that there may have been some people who are listening who are thinking, Well, what do you do if you're not in a good one right now? And it's I love your answer, John, which is like work on yourself first, you know, put some of these practices in place. You use this technique to kind of reprogram that autopilot, whether it's the full version or whether it's using some technology to kind of help, you know, and then, you know, kind of go from there once you've worked on yourself. Right. And you know, that may be maned get out, too. Yeah. Candidly, yeah. But But don't be too quick to do that. Because again, the the grass always appears to be greener. But once you get out there, you might be surprised, so Well, good. This has been fun. Yeah, this has been really fun. So join us next week on sync it via the podcast.
• 30:56
  Thanks for listening today. If you've had your own aha moment from today's episode, send me or John an email. We'd love to share your epiphany with our audience. So email us at Kelly@thinkitbeit.com or John@thinkitbeit.com. In the meantime, live the exceptional life