Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / 97 | Clown Court

Transcript

97 | Clown Court · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: Eric, you're looking very beachy today.
• 0:02
  Matt: You've got this open shirt, a true Hawaiian shirt.
• 0:06
  Matt: Yeah, you don't have to go to the beach if you stay at the beach.
• 0:10
  Matt: No, I mean, I just got back from the beach.
• 0:12
  Eric: Oh yeah, what beach did you go to?
• 0:14
  Matt: I was with my parents down at the Rehoboth-Bethany-Dewey area.
• 0:20
  Eric: Bro, the older I get, the sweeter Rehoboth gets Dude Rehoboth's where it is at Paradise.
• 0:27
  Matt: I love Rehoboth.
• 0:28
  Matt: We go to Cape Henlopen because my parents have the state they get the state park pass for Delaware and go down and do a bunch of day trips.
• 0:37
  Matt: Oh, to be retired.
• 0:39
  Eric: Yeah, ocean City is just a meme at this point.
• 0:41
  Eric: No, fuck that we're not going.
• 0:44
  Matt: No one goes there.
• 0:44
  Matt: Rehoboth, dewey, no, no, neither of the ocean cities really.
• 0:47
  Matt: Uh, should be patronized, but but but anyway, rehoboth, very chill, and cape henlo have been very chill, relaxed, all this good stuff.
• 0:56
  Matt: But I was, an interesting thing happened to me.
• 0:59
  Matt: Um, we were, we were at a restaurant and I went to the bathroom.
• 1:04
  Matt: Now, a little number of episodes, probably a couple dozen episodes ago, I also hit you with a cold open story where I went to the bathroom.
• 1:14
  Eric: Was this where the dudes just all convened?
• 1:16
  Eric: Yes, and a gang of men approached the stall.
• 1:22
  Matt: This is not that, but it is yet again the same setup and I promise you I'm not making this up now I'm starting to understand why you have like nervous bladder yeah, oh, bbs, bashful bladder syndrome yeah, yeah, because you have.
• 1:37
  Matt: You just have traumatic bathroom experiences so the bathroom in this restaurant was.
• 1:43
  Matt: It's the kind where there's only one stall, but the sink is outside the stall and so there's an outer door that doesn't lock or anything, but it's technically single use, you know what?
• 2:01
  Eric: I hate those, it's really strange.
• 2:04
  Matt: So it's like there's a stall, there's a urinal and there's the sink, so technically it's multi-use.
• 2:09
  Matt: So I go into the stall because, as I've said many times on this podcast, I don't fuck with urinals, no, and so I immediately bypass that.
• 2:19
  Eric: I go into the stall, I do my situation and so while I'm in, you do stall, I do my situation, and so, while I'm in, I do do your situation.
• 2:31
  Matt: The situation unravels so well, the plot thickens, the plot loosens up and pinch the plot.
• 2:39
  Matt: While I'm punching up the plot in the stall, the door opens, yeah, and somebody starts using the sink, right as I am, right as you're in post, right as I hit post and I'm finished with the business.
• 2:54
  Matt: So I open the stall, I come out and there's this old man who's washing his hands at the sink.
• 3:00
  Matt: And you know, I don't think anything of it.
• 3:03
  Matt: He had to wash his hands.
• 3:04
  Matt: He came in, he clearly went straight for it.
• 3:07
  Matt: So I'm doing the thing you do in bathrooms when somebody's using this there's only one sink and you're just like waiting because there's nothing else to do.
• 3:16
  Eric: You're healthy's arms length away.
• 3:19
  Matt: Healthy arms length away back against the wall you know, eyes on the exits eyes and the exits, just just sort of like waiting your turn.
• 3:27
  Matt: This man is not making eye contact with me or anything like that.
• 3:31
  Matt: He's washing his hands, right, yeah, he turns off the sink.
• 3:35
  Matt: Now next to me is like the the paper towel roll dispenser thing, so he turns around and he's holding his hands up like a surgeon that has just don't touch me, I'm sterile exactly that is just cleansed.
• 3:53
  Matt: And I should add that I said he was washing his hands, but he washed his whole.
• 3:57
  Matt: He rolled up them sleeves, that oxford shirt, all the way up, and he's washed his forearms.
• 4:04
  Matt: He's done all this and he turns around and he says to me, before making eye contact I'm sorry, I ordered lobster and I'm an old man.
• 4:19
  Matt: That's what he said, and that's what he said and he looked at me as if I was saying what are you doing here?
• 4:32
  Eric: Oh, so he was like sorry, I ordered lobster and I'm an old man, Exactly the energy.
• 4:39
  Matt: Exactly the energy.
• 4:40
  Matt: I ordered lobster and I'm an old man and like as if, like I wish I would.
• 4:51
  Matt: I wish I was there when he entered the room, because he he's acting as if he came in covered in butter, yeah, and elbow deep in shell of red lobster meat like how could this have happened?
• 5:00
  Matt: the blood is on my hands I have drawn blood and butter and he looked at me as if he, as if I was a priest in a confessional and I was going to say I forgive you myself and I, just I did the only thing I could do, which which is go and wash my hands.
• 5:24
  Eric: Wait one more time, Like a door boy.
• 5:29
  Matt: And I washed my hands and I left and I never knew what befell the man.
• 5:34
  Eric: Oh man, he's still in that bathroom.
• 5:36
  Eric: He needed you to dry his hands.
• 5:39
  Matt: I own a lobster and I'm an old man and I can't stress this enough.
• 5:44
  Matt: I'm sorry he began unclear.
• 5:49
  Matt: Unclear if he was apologizing for like holding up the sink, which was my assumption at the time, but it could be a grander apology.
• 5:59
  Eric: Oh yeah, he was just apologizing for him.
• 6:03
  Eric: This is an existential apology.
• 6:07
  Matt: I'm sorry.
• 6:07
  Matt: I ordered lobster and I'm an old man, as if to say I'm not responsible.
• 6:15
  Eric: I can't be held accountable.
• 6:17
  Eric: I can't be held accountable, Please.
• 6:20
  Eric: We didn't know.
• 6:35
  Matt: Well, hello everybody, and welcome to you Didn't Ask For this the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions.
• 6:43
  Matt: My name's Matt Shea, my name's Eric Poach, and joining us today, we have a.
• 6:48
  Matt: You know what?
• 6:50
  Matt: Actually, eric, I always do the guest introduction, but you know what?
• 6:55
  Matt: Why don't you take the reins on this one?
• 6:58
  Eric: Eric, oh may I.
• 6:59
  Matt: May I?
• 7:00
  Eric: I'm actually instructing you to yes, oh, okay.
• 7:02
  Eric: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor and privilege to introduce a Baltimore artist, a professional creativity coach, an all-around majestic and magical human being, and my girlfriend.
• 7:22
  Eric: There it is.
• 7:24
  Alyssa: Alyssa.
• 7:24
  Eric: Forsythe, it's me, it's hey, it's alissa hi hey, alissa hello eric and matt it's been.
• 7:33
  Matt: It feels like it's been a long time coming, but here we are at doe underscore babe in the flesh long time listener, first time caller fuck yeah, but didn't you call us on the thought line?
• 7:46
  Alyssa: second time caller.
• 7:47
  Matt: Yeah, okay, second time caller, it's like a second date yeah, oh, this is nice yeah yeah, beautiful.
• 7:55
  Alyssa: Thank you, guys for having me yeah, absolutely.
• 7:57
  Matt: Poach is already half undressed when I use this camera footage on tiktok, but yeah, Listen it's hot, listen it's hot.
• 8:04
  Matt: Nice, eric, yes, matt, yeah, what's up Today?
• 8:09
  Eric: Yeah, today I and Alyssa, that's me.
• 8:13
  Eric: Are here to discuss two things with you.
• 8:18
  Matt: Now wait a minute, Eric.
• 8:19
  Matt: I want to bring the listeners in Before you say this.
• 8:21
  Matt: I want to bring everybody up to speed, Okay, and we?
• 8:23
  Matt: I want to bring the listeners in Before you say this.
• 8:24
  Matt: I want to bring everybody up to speed, okay, and we were just discussing this a moment ago.
• 8:26
  Eric: Are they about to learn how very hard we were selling that casual?
• 8:31
  Eric: Oh hey, there you are just now.
• 8:33
  Eric: Yes, okay, good.
• 8:35
  Matt: I am usually the person who makes sure the guest knows what to expect and, you know, makes sure they have questions for us, et cetera, et cetera.
• 8:45
  Matt: I just asked Alyssa because you know you live together, that I just assumed I didn't have to do any of that.
• 8:51
  Matt: And I said to Alyssa now you have some questions for us.
• 8:53
  Matt: And Alyssa said well, and then Poach said and this is true, he said I'm going to be conducting, so listeners, whatever be, conducting Yep, so listeners, whatever.
• 9:07
  Matt: Buckle up jerks.
• 9:08
  Matt: Exactly Whatever is about to follow.
• 9:12
  Eric: I apologize and I am just coming off of three days of being unmedicated for ADHD.
• 9:18
  Alyssa: Let's fucking go.
• 9:19
  Alyssa: This is great, but also everybody, you're welcome.
• 9:21
  Eric: Got that Vyvanse coursing through my veins.
• 9:24
  Matt: Okay so so sans questions from the guest Eric and I say this with love what are we?
• 9:33
  Eric: doing here?
• 9:33
  Eric: We are here to discuss two things.
• 9:36
  Alyssa: Two things.
• 9:38
  Eric: Okay, neopets and Clown Court Okay, welcome to the episode that.
• 9:44
  Eric: I was put in charge of Neopets and Clown Court.
• 9:45
  Eric: Okay, welcome to the episode that I was put in charge of Neopets and Clown Court.
• 9:49
  Matt: I feel very much like I'm the guest you welcome.
• 9:53
  Alyssa: Matt, I've thought about this before and I literally in my head, the way it went was you saying hey, alyssa, and me going, matt.
• 10:00
  Alyssa: I need to talk about Clown Court.
• 10:02
  Alyssa: Okay yes, but we need to talk about clown court.
• 10:05
  Matt: Okay, yes, but we need to talk about clown court and you know what.
• 10:07
  Matt: Now that you mentioned that, that has been alluded to on previous episodes.
• 10:11
  Eric: I have been alluding to this for at least six months.
• 10:14
  Alyssa: And there was also a time a few weeks ago where I said, Eric, what if I don't want to talk about clown court and the look?
• 10:20
  Eric: on his face Because we had discovered Neopets, and by we I mean I, because I'm sorry I'm sorry discovered neopets in the year of our lord, 2024.
• 10:32
  Eric: I've known about neopets, but let me alissa describe for the listeners your relationship to neopets oh you want the guest to speak.
• 10:40
  Alyssa: How novel uh, it started about a month ago.
• 10:45
  Alyssa: Um, I know because I just got my 30 day uh freebie prize, so I know that I've been there for 30 days now.
• 10:51
  Alyssa: Um, I played congratulations thank you so much.
• 10:54
  Alyssa: Um, I played a lot in my youth, uh, and I don't know what came over me in the past couple months, but I was like I gotta, I gotta get back in this, I gotta see what's going on in neopia.
• 11:06
  Alyssa: So I neopia, neopia now matt, you see questions, if you have them?
• 11:11
  Matt: ask them my man eric, I'm talking to alissa right now, okay you could just no, no, fine, go off queen uh, so neopia.
• 11:19
  Alyssa: So I had to figure out what's going back on.
• 11:20
  Alyssa: Uh, what's going on in neopia?
• 11:22
  Alyssa: Um, I jumped back in and I have been checking into neopets every single day since I jumped back.
• 11:30
  Alyssa: I've I've been consistent with it, um, and I also am an adhd person, and for me to be consistent in anything is incredible.
• 11:40
  Matt: So neopets, um yeah well, first of all I want to say I'm very proud of you.
• 11:46
  Alyssa: Thank you.
• 11:46
  Alyssa: I really appreciate that.
• 11:48
  Eric: And let's establish a couple of things.
• 11:50
  Eric: Yeah One, alyssa.
• 11:52
  Eric: So you played in your youth.
• 11:54
  Eric: This was like what, 2004, 2005?
• 11:59
  Alyssa: I would say, yeah, like eighth grade, like middle school, into like early high school and for the uninitiated.
• 12:06
  Alyssa: Does somebody just want to, you know, say what neopets is real quick so neopets is a virtual uh community where you can raise um pets, but they are not any species that exist in our normal world.
• 12:21
  Alyssa: Uh, there's like all different creatures um that were created for Neopets, and you can feed them and groom them, kind of like a Tamagotchi.
• 12:29
  Alyssa: You can also play games.
• 12:31
  Alyssa: You can win Neopoints, which are like your currency.
• 12:35
  Alyssa: You can gamble it's where I learned to gamble.
• 12:37
  Alyssa: You can do the stock market.
• 12:40
  Alyssa: You have a bank account.
• 12:41
  Alyssa: You can pick a team for the altador cup, which is going on right now, altador.
• 12:47
  Alyssa: You can um customize your pets uh, you can.
• 12:52
  Alyssa: There's auction houses, there's trading posts.
• 12:56
  Matt: Um, there is a lot of mischievous things that happen now, in my youth, in our collective youth really, the neopets was like, said, like a Tamagotchi.
• 13:08
  Matt: It was like a handheld thing.
• 13:09
  Matt: What is it today, in 2024?
• 13:12
  Alyssa: In 2024, it is still an online.
• 13:15
  Alyssa: Like I go onto the website.
• 13:16
  Alyssa: They've tried and failed a few different apps on your phone, but really it's a website.
• 13:21
  Eric: They originally made it in Flash.
• 13:23
  Eric: This is like a Flash game All the games were in Flash All the games that are in.
• 13:28
  Alyssa: Neopets were in Flash.
• 13:29
  Alyssa: So when Flash died there's been a whole timeline.
• 13:33
  Alyssa: Flash died, flash, yeah rip.
• 13:36
  Alyssa: Sorry about it, but Flash died At one point.
• 13:39
  Alyssa: Nickelodeon owned Neopets At one point a Scientology company owned it and tried to push scientology through a scientology company, not just scientology, yeah talk more about this.
• 13:50
  Eric: See, this is what we're doing now let's go into that.
• 13:53
  Alyssa: Let me talk to you a little bit about this timeline welcome to the history of neopets okay, so um you're welcome.
• 13:59
  Matt: This might actually eric truthfully.
• 14:01
  Matt: If this is what we're doing, this might be the first time we live up to our title.
• 14:06
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, doug, I understood the assignment.
• 14:09
  Alyssa: No one asked for this.
• 14:11
  Matt: Truly, I feel like, although I'm very curious.
• 14:14
  Matt: I might have to give me a Neopet.
• 14:16
  Matt: Bring your curiosity.
• 14:18
  Alyssa: Oh, I would I mean.
• 14:19
  Alyssa: Eric already has a Neopet.
• 14:20
  Alyssa: I've made one for Eric and I take care of it and I customize it Okay, You're not taking first of all, you're not making my Neopet.
• 14:27
  Alyssa: Okay, okay, okay, okay, but well, let me tell you All right, fine, whatever, you can have your own Neopet.
• 14:34
  Alyssa: We could be Neo friends though.
• 14:36
  Matt: Yeah, of course.
• 14:36
  Matt: We could send each other items.
• 14:39
  Matt: Neo point, you'll remember can you also be enemies?
• 14:42
  Matt: Sorry, I apologize.
• 14:44
  Matt: Yeah, fix that in post.
• 14:45
  Alyssa: No, just kidding.
• 14:49
  Alyssa: It was a good joke, I liked it.
• 14:50
  Matt: Thank you so much a lot.
• 14:52
  Alyssa: Um, at one point nickelodeon owned it and that's when you kind of saw like all the plushies and stuff come out and then they stopped owning it.
• 14:58
  Alyssa: And um, a company in hong kong owned a bunch of different platforms and one of the guys in the company just really loved Neopets and made it his passion project to keep it going and he bought it with a bunch of people who originally started Neopets.
• 15:15
  Alyssa: So last year is the first time it's gone back to the hands of the people that really loved it.
• 15:19
  Alyssa: Also in that timeline was at one point a company bought it where they hired a Scientology educator to come and try to teach children about Scientology on Neopets and when the people who originally started Neopets found out they were like no we're not doing this Okay, high drama.
• 15:36
  Eric: We are in a Neo-Renaissance.
• 15:38
  Alyssa: We are actually in a Neo-Renaissance.
• 15:40
  Alyssa: Statistically speaking, more than 40% of players are over the age of 18.
• 15:48
  Matt: Now, um, they say it's mostly millennials who are I would think so honestly.
• 15:50
  Alyssa: Yeah, and they say it is for nostalgic regions, but also I'm a millionaire in neopets now and I was never a millionaire before I have I have so many neocoins oh yeah, you want to know why?
• 16:00
  Alyssa: Because we know what to do now honestly, I'm capitalism so well right now, like I.
• 16:05
  Matt: I am midway through my second, so for christmas I got a few different um, what I'll refer to as big boy lego sets, and, uh, I've never had any room to place these things or anything, so I made this typewriter so you bought a house.
• 16:20
  Eric: So I bought a house so I could have legos.
• 16:22
  Matt: um, so I bought this typewriter which works like it's a, this typewriter which works Like it's a working typewriter.
• 16:26
  Matt: It's very intricate.
• 16:27
  Matt: And then I just started the DeLorean set which I believe, eric, you have as well.
• 16:32
  Eric: Yes, I do have.
• 16:33
  Matt: And as opposed to when I was a kid and I remember sort of being stressed doing them I find the sets now to be actually quite therapeutic, to just sit and, like, focus on, like I have one task.
• 16:47
  Matt: I have one task.
• 16:48
  Alyssa: I'm just gonna sit quietly and you know how to sort the pieces, exactly like we're a little strategic.
• 16:54
  Matt: Okay, I'm gonna keep this bag together.
• 16:56
  Matt: Oh, all the black shapes over here, you know.
• 16:57
  Matt: So I totally understand why going back to something from a youth hobby is with today's skills yeah I really should.
• 17:11
  Eric: I got full motor skills.
• 17:12
  Eric: My prefrontal cortex is fully developed.
• 17:15
  Eric: Fully developed, let's fucking go and I.
• 17:19
  Alyssa: I started about a month ago when I, when I got, when I stumbled back in on this, I started a new account because I couldn't for the life of me remember like an older account.
• 17:27
  Alyssa: I tried to do this about like 10 years ago and I don't think I was mature enough yet for neopets.
• 17:32
  Eric: Um, it didn't last very long and did you love your neopet or did you just love the idea of it?
• 17:40
  Alyssa: oh no, I love my neopets, but I could not take care of them the way they deserved it.
• 17:45
  Alyssa: I love them, but it just it just turned into guilt.
• 17:47
  Matt: We're gonna get you a Neopet.
• 17:49
  Matt: You gotta be able to take care of it.
• 17:51
  Alyssa: Now you're looking at the proud owner of six Neopets.
• 17:54
  Matt: Whoa a Neo army yeah.
• 17:57
  Alyssa: So I was locked out of my old account and I just kind of gave up.
• 18:00
  Alyssa: And then I had an epiphany about what my password was.
• 18:03
  Alyssa: So I logged back in and I was able to put my old neopets up for adoption and adopt them with my new account and get my old neopets my neopets, my 16 plus year old neopets I have now brought over to my new account and I had to leave one neopet behind in my old account.
• 18:19
  Alyssa: That's the rules.
• 18:20
  Alyssa: So I made a very peaceful frog neopet.
• 18:23
  Alyssa: That's named.
• 18:23
  Alyssa: I'm Totally Chill because I know he's going to be fine.
• 18:27
  Matt: Because he has to go out on his own now.
• 18:29
  Alyssa: Yeah, and I do go back and feed him still, because I can't stand the idea that he's a burner pet.
• 18:35
  Matt: So he's not self-sufficient, he's not out in the world getting his own food?
• 18:40
  Eric: No, he's trapped in a little digital box.
• 18:44
  Alyssa: I wouldn't say that, please, but he's chill, he's so chill.
• 18:47
  Eric: He's fine with it.
• 18:48
  Alyssa: Okay, his name is.
• 18:50
  Alyssa: I'm Totally Chill, so he's got to be kind of chill.
• 18:52
  Alyssa: What?
• 18:52
  Matt: I'm hearing is I'm hearing the electronic equivalent of someone who just leaves their dog outside all the time.
• 18:59
  Eric: Wow, but in this world your dog can't die, it can only get like a tummy ache.
• 19:04
  Alyssa: And I check on him every day to give him some food.
• 19:08
  Alyssa: I just don't interact with like the big activities that like I didn't want to double dip on my wheel of excitements and things like that yeah, you don't give him any sort of life, you just make him exist.
• 19:19
  Alyssa: I even shop for outfits for him in my other account and I send them as gifts.
• 19:23
  Alyssa: Oh, you can get outfits.
• 19:24
  Alyssa: Oh, you can get outfits.
• 19:26
  Alyssa: Oh, you can get outfits, are you Ooh.
• 19:36
  Matt: If you remember the movie Daybreakers when they have the columns of human beings hooked up to blood machines so that the vampires have something to put in their coffee.
• 19:40
  Matt: You're going to give me shit about movies and Google gripes that I can and cannot bring up, but you're going to reference Daybreakers.
• 19:44
  Eric: Starring Sir Willem Dafoe.
• 19:45
  Eric: Yes, yes, I will.
• 19:47
  Matt: Fine Noted.
• 19:48
  Matt: Noted for round three.
• 19:52
  Matt: Go on.
• 19:55
  Eric: Alyssa.
• 19:55
  Alyssa: Yeah.
• 19:56
  Eric: So I want to put a couple of things into perspective.
• 19:59
  Eric: So one, when we say Alyssa's like a neo-millionaire, she is like a neo-chic, she is like a neo chic.
• 20:07
  Eric: Oh, she is, and she is a neo baron, you own a soccer team or two.
• 20:11
  Eric: I am doing fucking loaded Okay.
• 20:15
  Alyssa: Yeah.
• 20:17
  Matt: So if I'm going to get into neo pets me and my addictive personality you're someone to know.
• 20:23
  Alyssa: Yeah, oh, I will.
• 20:24
  Alyssa: I'll hook it up.
• 20:24
  Alyssa: I'll give you a cute little starter pack.
• 20:26
  Alyssa: We'll make sure you, your new pets, are never hungry.
• 20:29
  Alyssa: Whatever paintbrush you want, we'll find it for you.
• 20:31
  Alyssa: Met, like that's been, the real treat is getting paintbrushes I've been watching this is free this is free dog it is free, so you can pay for the ad free version, which I.
• 20:43
  Alyssa: It's eight dollars a month and it's something that has brought me so much joy that I'm like fucking take $8 from it.
• 20:48
  Matt: No, sometimes it's worth it.
• 20:50
  Alyssa: I want to support it.
• 20:51
  Alyssa: I want it to stick around.
• 20:52
  Eric: Neopets, please sponsor us.
• 20:54
  Eric: We're shilling so hard right now.
• 20:57
  Alyssa: Neopets.
• 20:57
  Alyssa: And you know what, if you're listening and you're like, maybe I want Neopets, buy the premium.
• 21:01
  Matt: Now Buy the premium Now.
• 21:02
  Matt: I just went to Neopetscom and the first thing it's trying to sell me is trading cards.
• 21:08
  Alyssa: No, I know it has to.
• 21:10
  Alyssa: They need to survive, they need the money.
• 21:13
  Eric: It's a Neo thing.
• 21:15
  Alyssa: I don't have the trading cards, but you can also get digital trading cards in the game.
• 21:20
  Matt: So what's Neopass?
• 21:23
  Alyssa: So you need to get Neopass that's kind of like your platform to get into Neopass.
• 21:26
  Matt: I got it.
• 21:26
  Matt: That's their account, so they can email me shit.
• 21:30
  Alyssa: I haven't gotten a single email from.
• 21:31
  Eric: Neopass.
• 21:32
  Eric: Oh okay, they're very respectful.
• 21:34
  Alyssa: So actually Neopets, it's per household Neopass, so a household has a Neopass and then all the accounts in the household can be under that Neopass.
• 21:42
  Alyssa: Accounts in the household can be under that neopass.
• 21:45
  Alyssa: Um, so like I have my new account and then my like old, old, ancient.
• 21:47
  Matt: Uh, now, if I were to make a neopet and then immediately forget about it, would it die, or would it just die?
• 21:53
  Alyssa: they just, they do they just suffer eternally they.
• 21:56
  Alyssa: It will literally say like, like, so it's like animal crossing.
• 21:59
  Alyssa: Just cockroaches will come into my house they will be crying, they will under like um hunger.
• 22:05
  Alyssa: It will say um.
• 22:06
  Alyssa: It will say dying, or it'll say starving, um mood, it will probably say very sad.
• 22:14
  Alyssa: There is so many neopets diseases they could catch and there is a pharmacy.
• 22:19
  Alyssa: There's a pharmacy that you can go.
• 22:21
  Alyssa: Do you want to know some of the Neopets diseases?
• 22:24
  Eric: Yes, yes God.
• 22:26
  Alyssa: I forgot about this.
• 22:28
  Eric: They're so good.
• 22:31
  Alyssa: Just start rattling them off.
• 22:32
  Alyssa: Also, if anyone wants to be friends with me on Neopets, my name on there is DoeBabe D-O-E-B-A-B-E.
• 22:38
  Alyssa: I would love.
• 22:39
  Alyssa: All the Neopets friends.
• 22:41
  Alyssa: So if we go to the hospital the Neo hospital, all the neopets friends.
• 22:48
  Alyssa: So if we go to the hospital, the neo hospital, yes, uh, it will tell us all these diseases.
• 22:50
  Alyssa: And then you have to.
• 22:50
  Alyssa: You have to if your pet comes down with a disease which could be like a happenstance or like maybe they ate something bad or whatever, then you go to the neo hospital, you go find diseases and they'll tell you what the cure is and then you have to buy the cure.
• 23:01
  Alyssa: And usually you'll buy the cure from a community like, like there's a marketplace that, like all the everyone has their own shops, or you can get it from the official pharmacy I see, and I see there's like a, there's like a wiki-esque site jelly neo jelly neo yes that's my favorite site I just pulled it up, we got things such as bloaty feet bloaty feet, uh-huh
• 23:25
  Alyssa: chikaru fuzzy titus diak show.
• 23:29
  Matt: Diak show diak show.
• 23:31
  Alyssa: I don't know the oh, oh, don't you the two?
• 23:34
  Alyssa: Oh, don't you your pet will go into a massive sneezing fit and its eyes will become very sore.
• 23:39
  Alyssa: But the way to fix it is to wipe their nose with neopkins of course it is obviously of course it is uh, you could get lumps.
• 23:48
  Alyssa: Okay, that's just which uh?
• 23:53
  Eric: I got a little.
• 23:53
  Eric: I got the lump stock.
• 23:54
  Alyssa: I'm in a bad way hoochie coochies is a is a talk to me about hoochie coochies um, if you, if your pet gets hoochie coochies, then it breaks out into blue and green spots, but it's okay, the cure is hoochies.
• 24:04
  Alyssa: Um, if you, if your pet gets hoochie coozees, then it breaks out into blue and green spots, but it's okay, the cure is hoochie coochie tablets, and currently there's like a huge plot going on that you could jump in on it's.
• 24:13
  Alyssa: There's a couple, there's a couple plots, but the biggest plot right now is called avoid, within which I feel like speaks to just about everybody and I just want to reiterate.
• 24:26
  Matt: I want to reiterate to our regular audience the target demographic.
• 24:31
  Matt: As far as I know, we are not getting any money from Neopets, despite this sounding like a sales pitch.
• 24:38
  Matt: Not a Neoscent, but Neopets.
• 24:41
  Matt: If you wish to pay us, I'll be happy to shell out for you.
• 24:47
  Alyssa: That would be the coolest.
• 24:49
  Eric: Neopets.
• 24:49
  Eric: How fucking dope would it be if we pulled Neopets as a sponsor?
• 24:54
  Matt: Honestly, probably, and this might sink our chances.
• 24:56
  Matt: Probably not great.
• 24:57
  Matt: I can't imagine.
• 24:58
  Matt: Alyssa just said they're selling cards because they need money.
• 25:02
  Alyssa: Well, remember they're in a renaissance, though they just got bought back last year and they said that the, if you look at like the earnings, and stuff.
• 25:08
  Matt: They said that they are the niassance, they said the sales event um sales event that makes it sound like it's toyota thon or something that's well, that's what neosance made it.
• 25:18
  Matt: That's that's I see this is their happy honda days yeah, yeah, yeah yes, and also with you.
• 25:26
  Eric: So the plot, the void within, yeah, I never knew about a plot.
• 25:31
  Matt: This must be new.
• 25:33
  Alyssa: There's tons of different plots that have happened, but this plot currently that's happening all of a sudden a bunch of big figures because there's a lot of NPC type characters in Neopia.
• 25:44
  Eric: Your king moon raisers.
• 25:45
  Alyssa: There's a huge Neopia, just so everyone knows.
• 25:47
  Alyssa: Also, neopia is a huge and there are tons of different places in Neopia.
• 25:52
  Alyssa: You can go to Fairyland, you can go to Altador, you can go to the Haunted Woods, you can go.
• 26:00
  Alyssa: It's every flavor of fantasy you can go to in Neopia.
• 26:04
  Eric: Bury my heart at Altador.
• 26:07
  Matt: Now is there a Pokemon aspect.
• 26:09
  Matt: Are we battling?
• 26:15
  Alyssa: Are we.
• 26:15
  Eric: There is a battle dome.
• 26:16
  Eric: I choose not to.
• 26:16
  Eric: She's a conscientious.
• 26:17
  Eric: I just don't enjoy it and y'all this ain't a bit.
• 26:20
  Eric: Alissa's the least violent person.
• 26:22
  Eric: I choose not to her life okay I tried.
• 26:26
  Alyssa: I just choose not to.
• 26:27
  Alyssa: But my, my neopets are.
• 26:29
  Alyssa: There's currently a war and they are serving volunteer time in the hospital.
• 26:33
  Alyssa: Um, they're not in the paddle fighting the war, but they are there's.
• 26:36
  Alyssa: So the void within um, essentially what's happening is a bunch of characters are turning gray um and getting really depressed and, like this, like massive depression is coming over neopia.
• 26:47
  Alyssa: So there is now this like battle happening and every day a different chapter, a different um part of the chapter is released on what's happening.
• 26:55
  Alyssa: So we're only we just hit chapter three and there's like 12 plus chapters and every chapter has like 10 subsections you're describing like, how, like, at like, this plague of depression and nothingness and like.
• 27:08
  Eric: Ask me how?
• 27:09
  Eric: I know this game was made for and by millennials you're describing scientology.
• 27:15
  Matt: I want you to know that the levels, the sub levels, no, they're out of scientology.
• 27:20
  Alyssa: They were.
• 27:21
  Alyssa: They're anti-scientology, they're pro gambling well sure, when neo-xenu there's scratch-offs.
• 27:29
  Eric: There's poker stored the souls of the Neopets in the Neo crystals.
• 27:34
  Matt: All the Neopets have gone clear.
• 27:36
  Matt: They're good.
• 27:37
  Eric: Tom Cruise is technically a Neopet TC.
• 27:40
  Eric: Please.
• 27:41
  Matt: Sorry, that's how they refer to him in Scientology.
• 27:44
  Matt: I don't know if you actually Do they actually?
• 27:46
  Matt: Yeah, they call him TC.
• 27:47
  Matt: Oh, my God as a code, but like I know it and I'm not a scientist, it's not a very good code, I mean.
• 27:56
  Matt: Rms yeah, exactly, but no, they do call them TC.
• 28:01
  Eric: Alyssa could you describe for me some of the greatest?
• 28:04
  Alyssa: Neopet controversies.
• 28:04
  Eric: Yes, actually this is good, let's pivot to this the greatest Neopet controversies.
• 28:10
  Matt: Oh my gosh.
• 28:11
  Matt: Yes, actually, this is good.
• 28:13
  Matt: Let's pivot to this, let's pivot to the controversies.
• 28:16
  Eric: Let's pivot to the darkest parts of this.
• 28:18
  Eric: It doesn't have to be plot-wise.
• 28:20
  Eric: I mean like in the like Neopets, give me the Ne-O-T, the Ne-O-T Pour the Ne-O-T.
• 28:27
  Matt: Pour the Ne-O-T.
• 28:34
  Alyssa: Well, poor the neotee, poor the neotee.
• 28:35
  Alyssa: Well huh, that's a good question.
• 28:36
  Alyssa: I thank you.
• 28:36
  Alyssa: I will say that I'm I'm starting to notice, um now, that the players that are playing are millennials.
• 28:40
  Alyssa: Something that I think is interesting is that all of those like diseases that I mentioned, um hoochie coochies the hoochie coochie, things like that.
• 28:47
  Alyssa: The cures to these diseases used to be really expensive and now people are selling them in their shops for cheaper and cheaper and they're undercutting each other, as if they want to say that this health care should be.
• 29:00
  Matt: Should be free.
• 29:01
  Alyssa: Free.
• 29:02
  Alyssa: I have started making a thing in my Neopets shop where I will raise the prices of certain things in order to keep the medicine prices as low as possible.
• 29:16
  Eric: Whoa.
• 29:17
  Eric: Even in Neopets she is an ally.
• 29:21
  Alyssa: What's really interesting is that you have a shop wizard and it will live, tell you what everyone is selling their things for.
• 29:32
  Matt: So say we wanted to get what was on this little list.
• 29:34
  Matt: So what you're saying is like what you're trying to do is make your Neo shop an oasis for affordable health care.
• 29:43
  Alyssa: But I'm not the only one doing that.
• 29:45
  Matt: No, but no.
• 29:45
  Matt: But to do that.
• 29:47
  Matt: It comes at the expense of raising prices elsewhere.
• 29:51
  Eric: Well, what she's saying, Matt, is that the free market self-regulates.
• 29:56
  Matt: Yes, and what I'm hearing is Neopets is showing for the umpteenth time how communism fails in practice.
• 30:04
  Eric: Yeah, and how unregulated capitalism can run rampant.
• 30:06
  Matt: Yeah, it's the invisible hand of Neopia, and how unregulated capitalism can run rampant.
• 30:10
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, it's the invisible hand of neopia.
• 30:14
  Matt: Can run rampant, also known as the way.
• 30:21
  Alyssa: Currently the shops that you would like, the Neopet shops themselves.
• 30:24
  Alyssa: They all have the inflation rate and I believe it's at like 2.1%.
• 30:31
  Eric: The inflation rate, the neoflation rate, like if I were to go.
• 30:33
  Eric: I have watched my girlfriend play the neo stock market for hours oh, I'm no stranger to to such virtual stock exchanges.
• 30:45
  Matt: I remember, I remember the animal crossing heyday of of watching the markets online for the best, best island to go to it.
• 30:58
  Alyssa: It does become kind of like also like feast or famine when like there is a prize, like so I do my dailies.
• 31:03
  Alyssa: Like everyone does their dailies, whatever game they play, you gotta do your dailies yeah and if you do your dailies for a week, then you get like a weekly prize sure and the prizes are pretty fucking good.
• 31:15
  Alyssa: Okay, but there there's a prize pool and like places like jelly neo will be like this is what's available for the prize pool and once things start becoming available in the prize pool, even if it's like a slight, slight, slight chance, you're gonna see that value drop in the shops for whatever the item is um, so if there's a lot, it's a lot of, it's a lot of paying attention to the, the shop wizard yeah um, he's, he's a, he's a cute little kachik.
• 31:39
  Alyssa: Uh, kachik is a type of a species of pokemon of course of pokemon obviously yeah, oh no, pokemon neopets.
• 31:45
  Alyssa: Where am I?
• 31:46
  Alyssa: What are we talking about?
• 31:47
  Alyssa: Um of neopets?
• 31:48
  Alyssa: Uh and um, he's a shop wizard.
• 31:52
  Alyssa: He has a cute little wizard hat and he tells you how much everything is.
• 31:55
  Matt: But yeah, I could just drop based on just like the tiniest action I had no idea that there was so, so much involved with neopets and neopet ownership.
• 32:06
  Matt: I didn't know that there was I should universe.
• 32:08
  Eric: This is why the first half of this episode is Neopets.
• 32:12
  Eric: Because, I too did not know this until Alyssa picked it back up and I was like and one day I was like, hey, what's, what's all this?
• 32:19
  Eric: Then?
• 32:20
  Matt: And I do appreciate you flagging and putting it out there that everybody has their quote unquote dailies Because, like it's true, like I I'm a word alert, among other things, I'm a word alert one one thing that I have done is there's I have this baseball game on my phone.
• 32:37
  Matt: That's like all great cell phone games, very micro transaction based, and it's got a bunch of daily stuff, free card packs, all this bullshit and um, it is interesting how these types of games and fitting into a routine get you, because I used to play this same baseball game a long, long time ago and I stopped for like a year or so and when I tried to come back to it, my account was gone and I started a new account and I thought, well, yeah, this is probably not going to last, but I'll start from scratch and see where I get.
• 33:17
  Matt: That was 11 years ago, that's when I hit you with the dailies.
• 33:24
  Matt: And now I'm so advanced that all the dailies mean nothing.
• 33:29
  Matt: The daily rewards and stuff, they mean nothing to me, but you must do them, but I must do them.
• 33:38
  Alyssa: I get it.
• 33:38
  Alyssa: You get the serotonin from completing this task.
• 33:42
  Alyssa: Yes and as an ADHD gal, give me a structure and give me a serotonin and I am like here I am Happy place.
• 33:50
  Alyssa: Happy place yeah.
• 33:52
  Matt: Oh, I'm sorry.
• 33:53
  Matt: Conductor Poach would like to say something, thank you, thank you.
• 33:57
  Eric: All aboard.
• 33:58
  Eric: Oh, that's my boyfriend.
• 33:59
  Eric: Oh, better get on the Neo train now, son.
• 34:02
  Matt: Yeah, is it time to move on to Clown Court?
• 34:10
  Eric: This is our time to gently ease out of neopia.
• 34:11
  Matt: We're all.
• 34:12
  Eric: We're all gonna look at neopia.
• 34:12
  Eric: We're gonna wave it goodbye, because it's been such a good.
• 34:13
  Matt: Thank you, neopia.
• 34:14
  Alyssa: Tell you what I've gone so far as to open the tab to neopets, so it's very possible I'll dive in, yeah before we leave neopia, I do want to say um, today is the last day it ends, so, uh, neopian time is about three hours behind.
• 34:27
  Eric: Neopia ends today.
• 34:29
  Alyssa: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
• 34:30
  Alyssa: Neopia.
• 34:31
  Alyssa: Time is about.
• 34:32
  Alyssa: The neopocalypse has arrived, the neopocalypse.
• 34:36
  Eric: The nyen times are here.
• 34:39
  Alyssa: The Altador Cup, which is kind of the.
• 34:43
  Alyssa: It's kind of like the Euro Cup of Neopia.
• 34:45
  Alyssa: Today is the last day where you can pick what team you want to support, so it is a really great day For you to get into the new Pets I might just have to.
• 34:57
  Eric: This sport, just from what I've seen, seems to be a cross Of like full contact Football, lacrosse, and that one Thing you'd have at the beach where it was like A hook with a ball, that thing, yeah, like the little, that one thing you'd have at the beach where it was like a hook with a ball.
• 35:11
  Alyssa: You know what I'm talking about.
• 35:12
  Alyssa: Yeah, I know what you mean.
• 35:12
  Alyssa: That thing, yes, yeah, like the little, like hooky.
• 35:16
  Eric: Yeah, but it's also like a murder dome.
• 35:18
  Alyssa: Yeah, I'm trying to see what the little balls are called, because the balls move around, kind of like how the snitches were, like real, like active.
• 35:26
  Alyssa: Sentient, sentient.
• 35:27
  Alyssa: Yeah, I think they're called like your yo-yo, you're your ball, I don't know, but they're cute little creatures and they curl up into balls and then some of them have different elements.
• 35:36
  Alyssa: Um, but today is last day you can pick a team and that's what I think you, matt shea, would really be I might have to explore this.
• 35:43
  Matt: I really might have to I matt.
• 35:45
  Matt: Please make a neopets account now you say that to me, eric, as if I wasn't just informed that you don't do Neopets, alyssa just does it for you.
• 35:56
  Alyssa: I think that Eric has been saving himself for Neopets, until I talk about it on this episode.
• 36:01
  Alyssa: That is exactly what was happening, matt, every time I try to talk about Neopets, because I get so excited and all I want to do is talk about Neopets.
• 36:08
  Matt: There's been this like so if I answer these questions now if I eric, if I oh, I see, I see so say we were saving it for the show saving it for content.
• 36:20
  Matt: I understand and I respect it.
• 36:21
  Matt: Yeah, now listen, if I make a neopet eric, will you make a neopet?
• 36:25
  Eric: yeah, babe, should we make each other as a Neopet?
• 36:28
  Eric: Oh?
• 36:30
  Eric: Yeah okay, I mean we can have more Neopets, but like, but one of them has to be.
• 36:37
  Matt: One of them has to be.
• 36:38
  Eric: I'll make you, you make me.
• 36:40
  Alyssa: Eric, do you remember what yours is named, do you?
• 36:42
  Matt: remember what yours is Uwutoof.
• 36:43
  Alyssa: Uwutoof.
• 36:44
  Matt: Uwutoof.
• 36:46
  Alyssa: Uwutoof.
• 36:53
  Eric: Yeah, eric, I, yeah, eric, I, I could get down with that.
• 36:54
  Matt: Okay, I'll make a neopets account today.
• 36:55
  Matt: I will make a neo, I'll do it.
• 36:56
  Matt: Fuck it.
• 36:56
  Matt: I'll do it right now, fucking I'll sign up right.
• 36:57
  Matt: I'll do it right now you think I give a neo fuck, I'll do it right now hey, we don't need to bring that in.
• 37:05
  Alyssa: Neo pets is a nice, nice thing not once I get in there.
• 37:08
  Eric: No, we're gonna hope neopets is ready to get fucking toxic oh man, I'm coming in for that.
• 37:17
  Eric: I'm coming in hot I'm coming in hot oh, welcome neopian.
• 37:22
  Eric: I'm jike, fellow adventurer, find explorer, according to some, and story traveler.
• 37:28
  Matt: The hell was that.
• 37:29
  Eric: This is the Australian blue tiger that is welcoming me to Neopia dog.
• 37:36
  Matt: I have joined and I do see Jake, fellow adventurer, famed explorer, according to some, and story traveler.
• 37:43
  Matt: Funny how you got his accent.
• 37:44
  Matt: Perfect, eric.
• 37:46
  Alyssa: Thank you.
• 37:47
  Matt: Do I have to read this profile dashboard?
• 37:50
  Matt: Don't care, i'm'm gonna wing it no, I've already been.
• 37:52
  Eric: I've been nexting through all of this yeah, fuck it.
• 37:55
  Alyssa: I don't want to read all this I'll let you guys know anything you need to know I don't want to read this literature.
• 38:01
  Matt: No, you didn't come here to read.
• 38:02
  Matt: I didn't come here to read, I came here to raise a life.
• 38:06
  Eric: Yeah, are you making me right now?
• 38:07
  Eric: Are you making me right now?
• 38:08
  Eric: Oh, are you making me?
• 38:09
  Matt: right now.
• 38:09
  Matt: Oh, that's right, I'm supposed to be making Poach.
• 38:11
  Matt: Hold on, I got to find the tallest one.
• 38:14
  Matt: I'm going with.
• 38:17
  Alyssa: Go with your heart.
• 38:18
  Matt: I'm going with Grawl, grawl and I'm going to name it.
• 38:22
  Matt: Oh, the name Poach is taken.
• 38:24
  Alyssa: Not by me.
• 38:25
  Alyssa: I didn't do that?
• 38:25
  Matt: What about Poachy Woachy?
• 38:27
  Alyssa: woke she.
• 38:27
  Alyssa: Oh yeah, that's good poachy woke she is also taken this site has been on for like 20 plus years.
• 38:36
  Matt: It's hard to find a name all right, so he's a grarl, so I'm gonna call him how can you combine t-rex with poach?
• 38:43
  Matt: Okay, eric poach, with two r's.
• 38:45
  Matt: One word is not taken.
• 38:47
  Matt: So Urkpoch is who I'm going with and I'm going to make him.
• 38:54
  Matt: I'm looking at Eric Do I want him green?
• 38:57
  Matt: Do I want blue?
• 38:57
  Matt: You know what I'm not going to say?
• 38:58
  Matt: I'm just going to make him what I think is right.
• 39:01
  Alyssa: You are going to have to answer some questions about him too.
• 39:04
  Matt: Answer some questions.
• 39:05
  Matt: Where does my Neopet like to live?
• 39:10
  Eric: For this question.
• 39:11
  Eric: I answered the sea, because you are a lord of sea land oh, thank you, I was gonna say city oh, were you able to make a name like get matt's name in for a neopet?
• 39:19
  Eric: Oh yeah, matthew underscore shay was available how?
• 39:26
  Matt: how does neopet greet others?
• 39:28
  Matt: I'm gonna oh wait, maybe I can just do that.
• 39:33
  Matt: Does it have to be one word?
• 39:34
  Matt: Eric underscore, poach also works.
• 39:38
  Matt: I'm going to say how does your Neopet greet others?
• 39:41
  Matt: I will say approach with caution.
• 39:44
  Eric: How does your Neopet, what does your Neopet like doing Reading and learning.
• 39:48
  Eric: That's what I said for you.
• 39:51
  Matt: Yeah, that's cute you guys are neo friends okay, so I've made, I've made him, I've created him oh, this is.
• 39:59
  Eric: This is abs.
• 40:00
  Eric: How does your neopet greet others?
• 40:02
  Eric: Matthew shea stands his ground.
• 40:04
  Eric: You're goddamn right he does.
• 40:11
  Matt: So I've made, I've made an Eric Poach, you've made a Matthew Shea, so together they will meet up.
• 40:18
  Matt: But you know, I don't.
• 40:20
  Matt: I know that our guest doesn't have all night.
• 40:23
  Matt: So should we ask about Clown Court?
• 40:26
  Alyssa: but this is the best day of my life that two more people are on.
• 40:29
  Alyssa: Neopets with me now.
• 40:30
  Alyssa: This is great.
• 40:31
  Eric: Okay, the Neo train has left the Neo station.
• 40:34
  Matt: The Neo train's left the Neo station.
• 40:36
  Matt: Thank you, neopets.
• 40:38
  Matt: So thank you, neopets, and thank you, alyssa for the question which I guess was More like the quest.
• 40:45
  Matt: Thank you for the quest.
• 40:46
  Matt: Thank you for the quest.
• 40:48
  Alyssa: You're welcome, Matt.
• 40:53
  Matt: Conductor.
• 40:53
  Matt: Can we get us?
• 40:53
  Matt: Can the train leave the station?
• 40:56
  Eric: Matt Eric, I need you to understand.
• 40:59
  Matt: Just go ahead and rip it open there, alyssa, it's all good.
• 41:03
  Eric: Oh, what flavor of Faygo is that babe?
• 41:05
  Alyssa: Oh, you mean this cotton candy Faygo?
• 41:08
  Eric: Only the finest Whoop whoop, get that.
• 41:10
  Eric: This cotton candy, faygo.
• 41:11
  Eric: Only the finest Whoop whoop, let's get that.
• 41:15
  Eric: I'm ready to discuss.
• 41:17
  Matt: I was going to say I have to cut all this, but now I feel like I got to leave it in.
• 41:20
  Eric: The worst part is I desperately want a sip of that.
• 41:23
  Matt: No, it's too goddamn bad.
• 41:24
  Alyssa: It's so good.
• 41:26
  Matt: Eric, if you want a sip of that.
• 41:27
  Matt: You got to get through this episode.
• 41:38
  Eric: So, matt, I'm goinga hit you with.
• 41:39
  Eric: Tell me, for the love of christ, this was.
• 41:40
  Eric: I will preface this only with.
• 41:41
  Eric: This was born out of a 2 am conversation.
• 41:42
  Eric: This is most of our show.
• 41:45
  Matt: We were both very, both, very you were heightened.
• 41:50
  Alyssa: Spirited.
• 41:50
  Alyssa: You were elevated.
• 41:52
  Eric: I was yes, I was elevated, I got you.
• 41:54
  Eric: I was in touch with my higher self.
• 41:57
  Alyssa: Yes, yes, and I just showed up.
• 42:00
  Eric: Here's the question.
• 42:01
  Eric: Matt Tell me and this is for all of us this is going to be a group exercise.
• 42:06
  Matt: I hope so, because the show is designed to be heard by an audience.
• 42:12
  Eric: Matt what happens in?
• 42:14
  Eric: Clown Court Matt what happens in Clown Court.
• 42:16
  Eric: Matt, Matt, let me hit you with this, matt, matt, the Honorable Judge Sprinkles presiding Honk, honk.
• 42:25
  Alyssa: Matt, okay, matt what happens in Clown Court.
• 42:27
  Matt: Matt, let's talk about Clown Court, Okay first of all, my blood pressure is spiking because I feel like I'm suddenly on trial.
• 42:34
  Alyssa: Ironically, welcome to clown court.
• 42:36
  Alyssa: Welcome to clown court.
• 42:53
  Matt: I'm going to suggest humbly that it is some sort of the branch of the judicial system seldom talked about or referenced, or indeed acknowledged, yeah, where clown crimes, crimes against clowning and comedy are brought before the honorable judge sprinkles now, matt, you're giving me very good thoughts and that's a great answer to the question.
• 43:06
  Eric: What is clown court?
• 43:08
  Eric: Yes, but the question I asked what happens in clown court?
• 43:13
  Matt: okay, I thought I answered that in the sense that shut the fuck up and let me speak, senator, he'll get there.
• 43:20
  Matt: He'll get there.
• 43:21
  Matt: The what happens in clown court is clown crimes are brought before a clown judge and a clown jury for them to determine what is or is not funny about it.
• 43:33
  Eric: Matt, the judge's gavel is inflatable and makes a squeak sound.
• 43:38
  Eric: Yeah, every time it hits, it hits.
• 43:40
  Alyssa: Matt, do you think at any point the Harlem Globetrotters come in and go?
• 43:45
  Alyssa: Oh, we thought this was a basketball court and then they all leave doing cool Harlem Globetrotter tricks?
• 43:57
  Matt: I think it's certainly on the table.
• 43:59
  Eric: I actually think if a harlem globetrotter should be on the jury as a mandate.
• 44:01
  Eric: Oh uh, yeah, yeah, yeah uh.
• 44:02
  Eric: Do you think that the that the judge holds people in clown tempt?
• 44:07
  Alyssa: no, do you think, when you swear on a bible or whatever you're swearing on in clown court, that the the daisy on the bailiff's chest squirts you with water?
• 44:21
  Matt: I think it does.
• 44:22
  Matt: I think actually what happens is, everything is very jovial, everything's very fun, and then when a sentence is passed, they lay you down and chop off your fucking head right there in the middle and they say no, this fucking, if you don't commit to the bit, that's a fucking capital offense and off with his goddamn dome yes, and matt, do you think?
• 44:45
  Matt: What are we doing here?
• 44:48
  Matt: Are you gonna tell me what the fuck this is?
• 44:50
  Matt: Or is this just this weird gang up that is happening?
• 44:55
  Eric: here.
• 44:55
  Eric: No, no, no, no, no One episode, one episode.
• 44:58
  Matt: I put you in charge of.
• 44:59
  Eric: He'll get there, folks, he'll get there, he'll get there.
• 45:02
  Matt: You're supposed to be sharing the information.
• 45:04
  Matt: Alyssa, You're the guest.
• 45:06
  Matt: What is Clown Court?
• 45:13
  Alyssa: Matt, do you Inquiring minds want to know what clown court is?
• 45:17
  Eric: do you think, when they call up a witness, the prosecution goes who's this clown?
• 45:27
  Matt: I god, I can only hope.
• 45:28
  Matt: So do you think?
• 45:30
  Eric: do you think at some point you think a couple tennis players walk in and go wrong court, do you?
• 45:36
  Alyssa: think that the jury all gets out of one car.
• 45:38
  Matt: I would like to suggest that also.
• 45:41
  Matt: What frequently happens is if a witness is on the stand and starts crying, the judge says here I have a tissue and just Matt.
• 45:52
  Eric: Matt, thank you, you're here.
• 45:54
  Eric: Thank you, now, you're here.
• 45:57
  Alyssa: Welcome to.
• 45:58
  Eric: Clown Court Matt.
• 45:58
  Eric: Welcome to Clown Court.
• 46:00
  Alyssa: Matt, you made it Honk honk.
• 46:05
  Eric: Oh God, Clown Court so we're making Clown Court up.
• 46:11
  Eric: No man.
• 46:12
  Eric: What happens to Clown Court?
• 46:14
  Eric: Wait a minute, eric.
• 46:16
  Eric: Eric, hold on.
• 46:18
  Matt: Eric, for a very long time now you've mentioned that I need to ask Alyssa about Clown Court when she's on the podcast.
• 46:27
  Alyssa: Yeah.
• 46:28
  Matt: And here we are.
• 46:29
  Matt: The moment has arrived, and you're telling me that Clown Court was an uncooked bit, that we were going to stick in the oven.
• 46:38
  Alyssa: No, no, no.
• 46:38
  Alyssa: Clown Court was in our hearts the entire time.
• 46:40
  Alyssa: Clown Court was the friends we made along the way.
• 46:44
  Eric: I will remind the prosecution that Clown Court was built on bits Yep.
• 46:52
  Matt: Remind.
• 46:52
  Matt: First of all, all all right.
• 46:55
  Matt: So the honorable judge sprinkles yeah, is is presiding.
• 47:00
  Eric: He's an all nonsense.
• 47:01
  Eric: Judge, you do not want him, oh you do.
• 47:06
  Matt: He is all nonsense so who do you want?
• 47:09
  Matt: Who's the preferred overseer of the clown court?
• 47:12
  Eric: oh man, so we've got the honorable I never thought about that.
• 47:16
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, the honorable judge like you, you're only op, that's.
• 47:19
  Eric: That's the bit is you do not want judge every time.
• 47:23
  Eric: Like judge sprinkles all nonsense and it makes it makes the clown lawyers sweat oh, I see, because you don't know what what's coming next?
• 47:32
  Matt: is that yeah?
• 47:33
  Eric: yeah.
• 47:34
  Eric: Do you think in clown court?
• 47:36
  Eric: Tell me it is critical.
• 47:38
  Eric: At no point in this trial do we actually know what the person is being accused of.
• 47:44
  Alyssa: I don't think we get there I would love to see a normal trial happen, but at clown court, like a legitimate, like traffic trial or you know, a homicide happen at a 10 little car pile up a 10 little car pile up happen at clown court what are the crimes you think they prosecute in clown court matt?
• 48:04
  Matt: well, first of all, the 10 car pile up.
• 48:07
  Matt: Would 10 clown car pile up would have untold casualties oh yeah, this is this is a federal clown court.
• 48:15
  Matt: You might not be able to recover all those bodies.
• 48:17
  Matt: No, because how'd they get them in there in the first place.
• 48:22
  Alyssa: The whole jury was lost.
• 48:24
  Alyssa: They were in the clown car.
• 48:27
  Eric: The bodies are still seen because every ambulance they've sent the guys get out, put them on the gurney and then pick it up, but the gurney breaks.
• 48:36
  Matt: You know, a good journey is hard to find.
• 48:41
  Alyssa: And so 12 angry men is just 12 funny men 12 funny men.
• 48:46
  Alyssa: Some funny guys.
• 48:49
  Matt: Huh.
• 48:50
  Matt: Clown court Clown court.
• 48:53
  Alyssa: Matt, welcome.
• 48:54
  Alyssa: What happened to clown court?
• 48:56
  Alyssa: What?
• 48:56
  Matt: happened to clown court.
• 48:57
  Matt: I feel like we've covered it almost no.
• 49:01
  Matt: Matt.
• 49:01
  Matt: So wait, are you just?
• 49:03
  Matt: You're telling me that this was born out of you just in sort of elevated state of mind?
• 49:09
  Matt: Are just talking about the various crimes.
• 49:12
  Eric: What goes on in?
• 49:12
  Matt: clown court and you haven't come up with any crimes that might take place in clown court that are tried.
• 49:17
  Alyssa: Or punishments, really.
• 49:19
  Matt: Yeah, talk to me about a punishment.
• 49:20
  Eric: Throw the book at him, smack right in the forehead with a book or you know what.
• 49:25
  Alyssa: Honestly, I think if you're in the witness stand, it's going to be one of those things where you throw the ball and if you hit the target you fall into the thing of water.
• 49:33
  Matt: Well, it's always hard for them when they have to throw the book at somebody because it's so thick they can't pick it up.
• 49:40
  Alyssa: So it is.
• 49:40
  Alyssa: It is comically big, it's comically big.
• 49:44
  Alyssa: You know it's like the size it's a dunk tank.
• 49:47
  Matt: It's the size of like a like a Greek pillar.
• 49:54
  Alyssa: And greek pillar, and you know they got a about.
• 49:56
  Alyssa: It takes three clowns just to get up an inch, and I mean even walking to that book.
• 49:57
  Alyssa: They're wearing those goofy big shoes.
• 49:58
  Matt: It's not easy those shoes I've put on clown shoes before they're not easy to move around.
• 50:05
  Matt: Oh yeah, we did, did we do that with mr bill.
• 50:08
  Matt: We did do a clown workshop, a clown shop.
• 50:11
  Alyssa: Um, that is that where you learned all that I learned so much clown knowledge from eric about like the clown museums with the eggs and do you know about this, matt, I don't know what you're talking about with the eggs, do you?
• 50:23
  Eric: know, every clown has their face, their face paint, like every official clown, like legitimate clown, has their face, their clown face, in a registry.
• 50:34
  Eric: And this registry this was a tradition that started like a fucking century ago.
• 50:40
  Eric: They track what every clown's face paint is.
• 50:44
  Eric: I'm not making this up.
• 50:45
  Eric: There's a little egg with your clown face on it in a repository of clown face eggs.
• 50:52
  Eric: Interesting.
• 50:52
  Eric: That's how they run DNA in Clown Court.
• 50:56
  Matt: I would not have thought that was their solution to 23andMe to find out what your clown lineage is.
• 51:04
  Alyssa: The yolk's on you.
• 51:08
  Eric: Ay wow, Clown Court.
• 51:09
  Eric: Are you making a mockery of this court?
• 51:12
  Eric: Good.
• 51:15
  Matt: Ah, judge Sprinkles.
• 51:15
  Matt: He's so hard to pin down you never know what kind of mood he's going to be in.
• 51:19
  Eric: I'm out of order.
• 51:20
  Eric: You're out of order.
• 51:21
  Eric: This whole court's out of order.
• 51:22
  Eric: The vending machine in the lobby's out of order.
• 51:27
  Alyssa: Clown court.
• 51:28
  Matt: It just seems like you're trying to do A Marx Brothers bit and can't quite remember it.
• 51:37
  Alyssa: That's us at 2 am, every single day.
• 51:41
  Matt: Because you're like halfway to a Groucho voice that you're doing now.
• 51:45
  Matt: Yeah.
• 51:46
  Matt: By the way, eric, have you seen Marx Brothers films?
• 51:49
  Matt: Yeah, any of them.
• 51:51
  Matt: Which ones?
• 51:52
  Matt: I've never watched all of of one, but I've watched like that's exactly what I mean you've never seen night at the opera or duck soup specifically, no, okay, so both of those are required viewing, because they aren't oh yeah, they don't so much hold up, as they are just plain old, hilarious so good.
• 52:13
  Eric: Some point there will be accusations of like lawyerly misconduct.
• 52:16
  Matt: Eric couldn't give a fuck about what I had to talk about with Mark's brothers.
• 52:20
  Eric: He is really right back in it.
• 52:21
  Eric: I've got to circle back to it before it gets lost.
• 52:23
  Eric: I'll circle back, follow up.
• 52:25
  Eric: At some point there's a lawyerly dispute.
• 52:28
  Eric: Someone's accused of misconduct and he's like wait until the bar hears about this.
• 52:32
  Eric: And in the back of the room, like 10 people like they'll look up with drinks in their hands.
• 52:36
  Eric: But yeah, no, I do need to watch these groucho.
• 52:42
  Eric: It was duck soup and what was the other one?
• 52:45
  Matt: well, there's many, but a night at the opera is the one that I would.
• 52:48
  Matt: And then animal crackers is also really good.
• 52:51
  Matt: That's where you get the um.
• 52:52
  Matt: I mean, groucho has all the best one-liners, but the uh, all of the marx brothers are are hysterical.
• 53:00
  Matt: There's three main ones, of course.
• 53:01
  Matt: I'm sure you can name them oh, oh of the marx brothers.
• 53:06
  Eric: Oh yeah, it's uh there's groucho, there's groucho, yeah, there's, uh there's, there's no.
• 53:13
  Matt: No, that's one of the seven dwarves that you've confused it with there's Shep.
• 53:17
  Matt: Chico and Harpo are the other two main brothers, and then Zeppo, who was the straight man until they decided they didn't need him.
• 53:25
  Eric: So they cut him, they cut him, they fucking cut him, they cut him, but Animal Crackers is where you get.
• 53:34
  Matt: this morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
• 53:36
  Matt: How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
• 53:37
  Matt: See, that's the flavor of clown court Matt.
• 53:41
  Eric: That is prime Matt the stenographer for the court Mime.
• 53:46
  Matt: Oh, amazing, mime-ing, mime-ing stenographer Can't find the typewriter.
• 53:50
  Eric: Strike that from the record.
• 53:56
  Matt: It just stands up.
• 53:56
  Matt: I can't.
• 53:56
  Matt: I can see you in my kitchen bending over a hot stove, but I can't see the.
• 53:58
  Eric: I can't see the stove.
• 53:59
  Eric: I did know that one oh man, the marks brother is so good uh, at some point they're like like there's like a sudden phone call and like fucking uh.
• 54:12
  Eric: Uh, like the judge like gets an important call and it picks up.
• 54:16
  Eric: He's like you don't say, you don't say, you don't say, puts down the phone, what was it?
• 54:21
  Matt: They didn't say yeah, yeah, see there has to be a live.
• 54:27
  Alyssa: There has to be a live.
• 54:28
  Alyssa: Drum symbol.
• 54:30
  Matt: There's a live drummer to do the ba-bum chink, but he can't quite get it right.
• 54:35
  Matt: He always misses something.
• 54:37
  Alyssa: Ba-bum, ba-bum, yeah, he's got and then, like a half hour later, he's got absolutely no rhythm.
• 54:45
  Matt: He can't find the drum even.
• 54:47
  Matt: Oh, he's a blind drummer.
• 54:49
  Alyssa: They feel bad for him.
• 54:51
  Matt: Oh man, yes, yes.
• 54:56
  Eric: Clown Court.
• 54:57
  Alyssa: Clown.
• 54:58
  Matt: Court Well.
• 55:00
  Alyssa: Welcome.
• 55:00
  Matt: Welcome, and would you look at that?
• 55:04
  Matt: It's just about time for us.
• 55:08
  Alyssa: Pull the plug on Clown Court.
• 55:10
  Eric: I guess you folks weren't ready for that, but your kids are going to love it.
• 55:13
  Eric: Your kids are going to love it.
• 55:13
  Eric: Well done, eric.
• 55:14
  Eric: I wonder where folks weren't ready for that.
• 55:14
  Matt: But your kids are gonna love it, well done eric, I wonder where you found the inspiration for that.
• 55:18
  Matt: Um, could it be the poster behind my head?
• 55:21
  Matt: Uh, who can say?
• 55:23
  Matt: Who can say so?
• 55:25
  Matt: Uh, alissa, thank you so much for joining us.
• 55:28
  Matt: It feels like it's been a long time coming yeah it's.
• 55:32
  Alyssa: It's wonderful to be in.
• 55:33
  Alyssa: I didn't think about how much eye contact you probably make when you're recording these episodes, and now that I'm seeing you guys all doing this, it's really nice, it's really cute.
• 55:43
  Matt: We try to keep it intimate in an acceptable way, not a tubing kind of way.
• 55:50
  Alyssa: No, no, not like a clown court.
• 55:52
  Alyssa: It's a clown court.
• 55:57
  Eric: Do you think?
• 55:57
  Alyssa: a bunch of kangaroos walk in at one point.
• 55:58
  Alyssa: Go wrong court, wrong court.
• 55:59
  Alyssa: It's cute every time.
• 56:01
  Matt: Yeah, no matter who walks, and then everyone.
• 56:04
  Eric: I like to think the entire courtroom is like oh, no problem, yeah, oh yeah no matter who comes in, it's like oh, and someone in the background is always like uh, down the hall.
• 56:12
  Eric: Second door to the left.
• 56:14
  Matt: We are dangerously close to the argument sketch from Monty Python.
• 56:21
  Eric: I don't know if you know the sketch.
• 56:23
  Eric: I'm talking about you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert.
• 56:27
  Matt: Yes very good.
• 56:29
  Alyssa: You had that one in your pocket.
• 56:30
  Matt: I didn't come here for an argument.
• 56:32
  Matt: Oh, I'm sorry.
• 56:32
  Alyssa: That's down the hall.
• 56:33
  Alyssa: This is abuse.
• 56:33
  Alyssa: This is abuse.
• 56:34
  Alyssa: This is abuse.
• 56:35
  Alyssa: Thanks for letting me talk about Neopets.
• 56:42
  Alyssa: Of course, it's nice to be able to talk about it.
• 56:45
  Matt: I got my quest log staring me in the face over here.
• 56:49
  Alyssa: And you just let me know what you need.
• 56:51
  Matt: Absolutely so, alyssa.
• 56:53
  Matt: Unfortunately, I do think we're just about time here for our adventure.
• 56:58
  Matt: Tell me, what do you have to plug for us?
• 57:03
  Matt: I understand there are some things that you want to make our audience aware of.
• 57:07
  Alyssa: Oh, yeah, so I have a website that exists Doe baby artcom, also on Etsy at doe baby, that's D O U G H B, a B Y A R T.
• 57:20
  Alyssa: If you're Baltimore local and you are around auto bar in September, my art will be there all month upstairs at auto bar.
• 57:30
  Alyssa: Yeah, be nice to each other, everybody.
• 57:33
  Alyssa: That's an important thing.
• 57:34
  Alyssa: Everyone be good, oh yeah and be kind, uh, and also, do you want to see nezumi?
• 57:41
  Eric: of course I fucking do okay oh my god, it's precious it's a puppy, nezumi legumi, so precious, I ought to sue me even though she's 4 years old she's a puppy, that's puppy.
• 58:00
  Matt: You could have told me she was 4 to like 20 58 is puppy.
• 58:06
  Matt: If it's a dog, it's a puppy.
• 58:08
  Matt: That's my mentality about it.
• 58:12
  Matt: Alright, so those are the places that you can go to get Doe Babe Art, and I suggest you do.
• 58:18
  Matt: That's DoeBabyArtcom, amongst the other places.
• 58:21
  Alyssa: And on Instagram Doe underscore Babe.
• 58:25
  Matt: Absolutely, that's me.
• 58:25
  Matt: And if you want to find us on Instagram, twitter, facebook, tiktok, et cetera, et cetera, it's at.
• 58:32
  Matt: You Didn't Ask Pod.
• 58:33
  Matt: That's the letter.
• 58:36
  Matt: You didn't ask pod, instagram, twitter, tiktok, et cetera, et cetera.
• 58:39
  Matt: Um, and of course, you can email us at.
• 58:42
  Matt: You didn't ask for this gmailcom.
• 58:43
  Matt: That's all spread out.
• 58:45
  Matt: And, as Alyssa once did, you can leave a message for us on the thought line at 410-929-5329.
• 58:54
  Matt: Call the thought line today, say something into the microphone and we'll probably put it on the show.
• 59:00
  Matt: Yeah, now eric did.
• 59:02
  Matt: Did I or your beloved miss anything?
• 59:06
  Eric: no, but I miss her.
• 59:07
  Eric: She's all the way downstairs.
• 59:08
  Alyssa: I was literally gonna say that I love you, eric.
• 59:11
  Eric: That's what I was gonna say I love you too.
• 59:13
  Alyssa: Yeah, I miss you yeah it's adorable.
• 59:19
  Matt: Well, from all of us here.
• 59:20
  Matt: You didn't ask for this.
• 59:21
  Matt: My name is matthew shea my name's eric poach and I'm alissa and listen.
• 59:27
  Eric: You didn't ask but the people are real, the cases are real, real funny.
• 59:34
  Eric: This is his courtroom Honk.
• 59:36
  Eric: It's Judge Sprinkles.
• 59:39
  Matt: Judge Sprinkles presiding.
• 59:40
  Matt: What's his theme song?
• 59:43
  Matt: Hit me with the theme song.
• 59:44
  Eric: Oh, it's Send in the Clowns.
• 59:45
  Eric: But played on that intense Judge, judy piano.
• 59:54
  Alyssa: Or it's.
• 59:59
  Matt: That's what plays when the bailiff says the honorable judge sprinkles everywhere, and then everybody's gotta get up.
• 1:00:08
  Eric: Oh, and at one point the prosecutor's like get down.
• 1:00:10
  Eric: Mr Slippers, do you recognize this knife?
• 1:00:15
  Eric: Do you recognize this book?
• 1:00:18
  Eric: Do you recognize the sovereignty of Czechoslovakia?
• 1:00:24
  Alyssa: Do you think the juggalos go to clown court?
• 1:00:28
  Matt: Juggalos go to clown court in handcuffs.
• 1:00:31
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, in handcuffs, they go.
• 1:00:34
  Eric: Boop, boop, they never leave.