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Miserable People - How to stop making negativity your personality · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:14
Speaker 1: I'm Alexis Fernandez. This is Do Your Fucking Mind, and
0:18
Speaker 1: it's the podcast where I help you basically improve your
0:21
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself and with your brain, which is basically
0:24
Speaker 1: going to improve every aspect of your life. Now, before
0:27
Speaker 1: we get into the episode of Today, which is all
0:29
Speaker 1: about miserable people and how to not be one and
0:32
Speaker 1: how I'm fucking infuriating they are and we can just whatever,
0:36
Speaker 1: be sure to check out my substack go to Notes
0:39
Speaker 1: on the Mind dot substack dot com for my written work.
0:42
Speaker 1: There's a lot of kind of written versions of the
0:45
Speaker 1: stuff I talk about on the podcast, but also extra stuff,
0:48
Speaker 1: and there's free and paid subscription options available there. Anyway,
0:52
Speaker 1: we're talking about miserable people, and I think a lot
0:55
Speaker 1: of you are either thinking, Wow, is this the reason
0:57
Speaker 1: why I have no fucking friends? And maybe if I
0:59
Speaker 1: change this things will start to fall in line for
1:03
Speaker 1: me in my life. Other people are thinking, I literally
1:09
Speaker 1: am dating a miserable person, or that is my mum,
1:12
Speaker 1: or that is my friendship group and I can't snap
1:14
Speaker 1: out of it, or when you understand what miserable people are,
1:18
Speaker 1: why they do what they do. Why misery loves company?
1:22
Speaker 1: What are the hallmark signs of a miserable person? And
1:24
Speaker 1: if you are the miserable person listening to this, firstly,
1:27
Speaker 1: love your self awareness. Secondly, we need to get that changed.
1:31
Speaker 1: I'm going to give you some key pointers on how
1:33
Speaker 1: to stop fucking being so fucking miserable. Now. I think
1:39
Speaker 1: it's important that I say before I begin, because there's
1:43
Speaker 1: always some fucking plub that jumps down my throat on
1:47
Speaker 1: a social video because they choose to take something out
1:49
Speaker 1: of contact when I've clearly explained to myself and they're
1:51
Speaker 1: not a bean, and they don't listen to the actual episode,
1:54
Speaker 1: and they're like, but what about booze? Okay, what I'm
1:56
Speaker 1: going to say is miserable people is nothing to do
2:01
Speaker 1: with depression. Okay, They're very different, and if you stay
2:04
Speaker 1: on and listen to this episode, you'll understand how they
2:06
Speaker 1: are vastly different. Okay, Depression is actually a condition. Okay, Miserable,
2:14
Speaker 1: you will see in this episode, is a choice. Being
2:17
Speaker 1: miserable is a choice, and weirdly, it can be a
2:20
Speaker 1: bit of an addictive thing that people fall into. They
2:23
Speaker 1: get addicted to their misery because it becomes such a
2:26
Speaker 1: way of being and they get a kick out of it,
2:29
Speaker 1: and I think we all know it. You know, when
2:30
Speaker 1: you interact with someone who's just so negative and miserable
2:33
Speaker 1: all the time, loves to wing, loves to complain, can
2:36
Speaker 1: never truly be happy for someone else, and when something
2:39
Speaker 1: goes well for someone else, they're the first to highlight
2:41
Speaker 1: how something's going to go wrong, or where they actually
2:43
Speaker 1: did make the mistake, or why it's nothing special or
2:45
Speaker 1: unique or original. Those fucking people are the ones that
2:48
Speaker 1: I think we want to know how to deal with
2:52
Speaker 1: in our life. We want to know how we can
2:53
Speaker 1: do something about them. And this is what you're going
2:55
Speaker 1: to learn in this episode and how to change it.
2:57
Speaker 1: If that's it's We know that it's a choice. If
3:00
Speaker 1: you've ever dealt with a really miserable person, you're like, bro,
3:04
Speaker 1: you are choosing not to find a solution. You have
3:07
Speaker 1: been given every fucking opportunity for you to take that
3:10
Speaker 1: next step into feeling a little bit better, and you
3:12
Speaker 1: are choosing to stay where you are. We know what
3:14
Speaker 1: it looks like when someone is addicted to their misery,
3:18
Speaker 1: and we all know what it feels like to be
3:20
Speaker 1: addicted to our misery. It's not a pleasant addiction. It's
3:23
Speaker 1: not like a comfortable, fun, good feeling addiction, but it
3:27
Speaker 1: is one that makes us feel validated. And validation is addictive.
3:31
Speaker 1: So even if it makes you feel like you're wallowing
3:35
Speaker 1: in your misery and you feel like shit, being validated
3:38
Speaker 1: and feeling like you are right feels good. Okay, that
3:42
Speaker 1: is one of the main reasons why people stay in
3:44
Speaker 1: this miserable pattern. Part of being miserable is wanting others
3:48
Speaker 1: to be miserable, obviously, never wanting a solution to their problems.
3:51
Speaker 1: It's people that gossip all the time. It's people that
3:54
Speaker 1: gossip all the time. Now, gossiping is different to venting,
3:57
Speaker 1: So I want to quickly break apart the difference between
4:00
Speaker 1: gossip and venting. If you are speaking to somebody that
4:04
Speaker 1: you don't know that well about someone you don't know
4:06
Speaker 1: that well or personally, that is gossip. If you are
4:08
Speaker 1: speaking to someone that you know very well about someone
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Speaker 1: you don't know very well, that's kind of in between
4:13
Speaker 1: gossip event And if you are speaking to someone you
4:16
Speaker 1: know very well about someone else that both of you
4:18
Speaker 1: know very well, then that is more likely venting because
4:21
Speaker 1: it comes with a lot of background knowledge and real
4:24
Speaker 1: understanding of the situation, even if it feels like you're
4:27
Speaker 1: kind of going off on like getting really like really
4:31
Speaker 1: fired up about it. But I'm going to give you
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Speaker 1: a little bit more of a deeper scepart to that
4:36
Speaker 1: separation of why gossiping is different to venting. So venting
4:41
Speaker 1: often focuses on how you are feeling about the situation,
4:44
Speaker 1: even if you're really angry that someone's gone and done something,
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Speaker 1: you're really kind of documenting your experience, your feelings, your frustrations,
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Speaker 1: why it impacts you negatively, and why you're annoyed that
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Speaker 1: this person has done that because it's impacted you. Gossiping
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Speaker 1: is more so where your conversation is really focused on
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Speaker 1: what someone else is doing and why they're doing it
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Speaker 1: and why you think they're doing this, where you're not
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Speaker 1: really involved at all. Okay, so with someone's kind of
5:08
Speaker 1: private affairs, and that person isn't really there to say
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Speaker 1: if you're telling an accurate representation of what's going on
5:15
Speaker 1: or not. So that's kind of the difference venting. Another
5:20
Speaker 1: difference is that venting is where you are seeking this
5:24
Speaker 1: emotional release. It is also a way of seeking kind
5:26
Speaker 1: of a bit of validation for why you're feeling so
5:28
Speaker 1: frustrated and annoyed. It's also to get support in how
5:33
Speaker 1: you're going to process an issue about someone, or support
5:36
Speaker 1: in like, yeah, it makes sense that you would feel
5:38
Speaker 1: this way and will support you to get over that
5:39
Speaker 1: frustration whatever. Whereas gossiping you're kind of trying to get
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Speaker 1: someone to agree with your complaint. You're trying to get
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Speaker 1: an ally. You're trying to kind of get someone to
5:54
Speaker 1: agree with you on passing judgment. You're trying to make
5:57
Speaker 1: it okay that you're passing judgment on someone. And in
5:59
Speaker 1: the stream cases you're trying to turn someone against that
6:03
Speaker 1: other person, kind of like an ally, but you're trying
6:05
Speaker 1: to actively get them to change their mind and think
6:07
Speaker 1: something negatively of this person. Gossiping also relies really heavily
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Speaker 1: on like hearsay, unverified stories or rumors making someone feel
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Speaker 1: embarrassed or ashamed, putting someone down, whereas venting, it's more
6:22
Speaker 1: based around facts. You're pretty much talking about facts, and
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Speaker 1: even if you might feel like, oh, I feel bad
6:28
Speaker 1: talking about this person, but you know for you know
6:30
Speaker 1: that you're speaking facts, and it's kind of like well,
6:32
Speaker 1: it's the truth. They actually did do this thing, and
6:34
Speaker 1: it actually is ridiculous and frustrating and it's annoyed me
6:37
Speaker 1: and it's put me out and blah blah blah blah.
6:38
Speaker 1: So that's kind of the difference. So, yeah, these people
6:42
Speaker 1: do genuinely like to gossip. They enjoy talking about people
6:46
Speaker 1: behind their back. They enjoy when someone else agrees with them.
6:50
Speaker 1: And this is people that they don't even necessarily know
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Speaker 1: that well. And the moment you say something about someone
6:57
Speaker 1: you're frustrated with, it's probably one of the few times
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Speaker 1: that you'll see a miserable person light up, is when
7:03
Speaker 1: you are about to say something mean about someone else,
7:07
Speaker 1: even if you've got like legitimate reason why you can
7:10
Speaker 1: do that. They finally are like oh, and they're invested.
7:13
Speaker 1: They're like, yes, I can. You know, I can share
7:15
Speaker 1: my misery with someone because misery loves company? And why
7:21
Speaker 1: does misery love company? Because I think we've all been there,
7:24
Speaker 1: we all know how good it feels when you're so
7:27
Speaker 1: fucking annoyed about someone and then you find someone else
7:29
Speaker 1: it feels the exact same way, and you're like, finally,
7:32
Speaker 1: so imagine that across the board for everything you feel
7:36
Speaker 1: in your life. That would be pretty sad for starters,
7:41
Speaker 1: but also it would be kind of the only time
7:43
Speaker 1: that you're getting you're feeling validated and you feel good. Okay.
7:46
Speaker 1: So obviously one of the main drivers as to why
7:49
Speaker 1: misery loves company is because sharing your pain helps you
7:54
Speaker 1: feel like this emotional reaction when someone kind of agrees
7:58
Speaker 1: with you, you feel normal. You're like, see, I'm not
8:01
Speaker 1: the only one. I feel normal. It's normal to feel frustrated,
8:04
Speaker 1: it's normal to be annoyed. You know, I'm being validated
8:06
Speaker 1: that I'm the victim in this situation, because that person
8:08
Speaker 1: would also feel like the victim in that same situation.
8:11
Speaker 1: Another thing is that when you're alone with your discomfort
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Speaker 1: or your annoyance or your pain, it can feel really
8:18
Speaker 1: really isolating. That's why when someone who's miserable find someone
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Speaker 1: else is miserable, they don't look at that as a
8:23
Speaker 1: reason to like pull themselves out of the misery. Sometimes
8:26
Speaker 1: going on a journey I off becoming a happier person
8:29
Speaker 1: in the short term feels a little bit isolating because
8:32
Speaker 1: you have to realize that all the things that you
8:34
Speaker 1: want to vent about and complain about and winge about
8:36
Speaker 1: and all those things. You're going to have to stop
8:39
Speaker 1: doing that in order to start surrounding yourself with happier people,
8:43
Speaker 1: more optimistic people, kinder people, okay. And that journey from
8:49
Speaker 1: going from misery where there is company to happiness where
8:53
Speaker 1: there is company, that gap in between can be a
8:55
Speaker 1: little bit isolating. And that's why a lot of people
8:57
Speaker 1: kind of you know, like you know bother taking that journey,
9:01
Speaker 1: so they'll stay in their misery where there is company, okay.
9:03
Speaker 1: And this is where you don't have to be alone
9:06
Speaker 1: with your your pain, because you gravitate towards people that
9:09
Speaker 1: are also frustrated and angry and like to you know,
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Speaker 1: dwell on the negative about things, and it can feel,
9:15
Speaker 1: you know, it actually feels kind of nice when you're
9:19
Speaker 1: around these people, and that's the only time that you
9:21
Speaker 1: really feel good, okay. And then the other one is
9:23
Speaker 1: that shard and froud or however you pronounce it, and
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Speaker 1: it's that knowing that other people are faring worse provides
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Speaker 1: kind of a bit of a mood booster for you.
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Speaker 1: It makes you feel good knowing that in comparison, your
9:41
Speaker 1: hardship is not as bad as someone else's hardship, So
9:43
Speaker 1: you kind of like to know what other people are
9:45
Speaker 1: going through, not because you want to help them or whatever,
9:48
Speaker 1: but it's kind of like, oh, yeah, good, well that
9:51
Speaker 1: person's got it worse than me, so I'm yeah, I've
9:53
Speaker 1: got it fucking bad, but look at this person, they've
9:55
Speaker 1: got it even And you dwell on that kind of thing.
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Speaker 1: So here's other examples. Also, another thing is that people
10:03
Speaker 1: that have that I don't know how to pronounce it.
10:05
Speaker 1: It's a German word, but it's basically where you're enjoy
10:07
Speaker 1: seeing other people's misery shahd child and fraud. My German listeners,
10:11
Speaker 1: please send me a voice message on how to actually
10:13
Speaker 1: pronounce that. But it's also where people secretly enjoy seeing
10:18
Speaker 1: something go wrong for other people. So whether it be
10:23
Speaker 1: you know that your friend's going to go for a
10:24
Speaker 1: job promotion and then they don't get the promotion, and
10:26
Speaker 1: deep down you're like, yes, it's that kind of that's
10:30
Speaker 1: a miserable person, right, even when that job promotion is
10:33
Speaker 1: not in direct competition. So I understand that you might
10:35
Speaker 1: feel bad, but if you're both going for a particular role,
10:38
Speaker 1: part of you feels a bit bad that they didn't
10:40
Speaker 1: get it, but you're like, I'm also my futures invested
10:43
Speaker 1: in this too, but I'm talking about no, no, you
10:45
Speaker 1: just didn't want them to get that. Or maybe your
10:47
Speaker 1: friends was about to go on this really lucks epic
10:49
Speaker 1: holiday and they missed their flight and lost two days
10:52
Speaker 1: off that holiday because they had to risk schedule. Deep down,
10:54
Speaker 1: you're like ha haha, like in your head, and this
10:55
Speaker 1: is a friend, right, Like, that's a miserable person that
10:58
Speaker 1: feels that way. Okay, you you basically find some level
11:02
Speaker 1: of satisfaction seeing your friend go through some low level
11:06
Speaker 1: hardship or rejection or stuff like that. Okay, now other
11:11
Speaker 1: examples of people that are miserable, and this might be you.
11:14
Speaker 1: And if it's you, you don't have to tell anyone.
11:15
Speaker 1: Just silently nod and smile for once in your life,
11:20
Speaker 1: and then do the changes that I'm going to offer
11:23
Speaker 1: at the end of this episode. So they have a
11:26
Speaker 1: chance to make a change. They have the resources, they have,
11:29
Speaker 1: the opportunity, they have the people that could actually help
11:31
Speaker 1: them make a change. They could reach out to different
11:34
Speaker 1: resources and people, but they choose not to. They just
11:37
Speaker 1: continue to complain that nothing ever goes right for them.
11:40
Speaker 1: This is different to people that are actually in a
11:42
Speaker 1: horrible situation where things are really falling apart for them.
11:45
Speaker 1: This is someone that you're like, hey, what about this
11:48
Speaker 1: thing or what about that? Or what you know? And
11:49
Speaker 1: then you could try doing this and I can help
11:51
Speaker 1: you with this, or you blatantly offer them help and
11:53
Speaker 1: they're like no, no, no, no no. They only talk
11:55
Speaker 1: about all the bad things that happen in their life.
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Speaker 1: If something good does happen in their life, it's kind
12:00
Speaker 1: of like wild luck, or it's a one offer it's
12:02
Speaker 1: just never going to happen again, or wait till that
12:03
Speaker 1: thing falls apart. Two, they want you to be as
12:07
Speaker 1: miserable as they are, and if you're not, then they'll
12:11
Speaker 1: be very quick to point out why you're not as
12:14
Speaker 1: miserable as them. For example, they'll say, well, it's of course,
12:17
Speaker 1: of course you're fine. It's easier for you. You grew
12:20
Speaker 1: up with money, it's easier for you. You this. They'll
12:23
Speaker 1: quickly point out why it is that you're in a
12:25
Speaker 1: better mood or that you are just happier in life,
12:28
Speaker 1: even though that's not at all the case. You could
12:30
Speaker 1: be like, I've also had my hardships, but my outlook
12:32
Speaker 1: on life is just going to be a bit different
12:34
Speaker 1: to yours. Another example of miserable people are that you
12:38
Speaker 1: wait parents, parents who love to look at other parents
12:41
Speaker 1: and say you wait, followed by something that's always going
12:44
Speaker 1: to be negative. That's trying to again bring that person
12:47
Speaker 1: down to the level because this person's like feeling miserable
12:51
Speaker 1: and frustrated and they see a parent talking about something
12:54
Speaker 1: good that's going on. So here's an opportunity to share
12:57
Speaker 1: a story about something else that's good in your life.
13:00
Speaker 1: You can both share in some happiness. You then bring
13:02
Speaker 1: down that person's conversation and say, well, wait till they
13:05
Speaker 1: start walking, wait till they fucking and you wait for that,
13:09
Speaker 1: and it's always something negative, like I don't mind if
13:11
Speaker 1: someone say, oh my god, wait till they smile at you.
13:13
Speaker 1: That's obviously not what I'm talking about. But this you
13:15
Speaker 1: wait to try and instill some level of you know,
13:21
Speaker 1: misery in someone's life is crazy behavior, okay, and they
13:27
Speaker 1: are miserable people. Sorry, I don't care if you're If
13:29
Speaker 1: you're a you wait parent, you are miserable. Hate to
13:33
Speaker 1: break it to you, but that's just the fact of life.
13:35
Speaker 1: Unless you're saying you wait and then followed by something pleasant.
13:38
Speaker 1: Another one is they're really really good at being critical
13:41
Speaker 1: and criticizing people and criticizing people they know and people
13:44
Speaker 1: they don't know, which is fine if you can balance
13:47
Speaker 1: that out with also being to able to give out
13:50
Speaker 1: really good feedback and compliments and call it out when
13:53
Speaker 1: someone's done something really fucking great, and you know, call
13:56
Speaker 1: it for what it is. These kinds of people criticize
13:59
Speaker 1: and critique everything and anyone. Nothing is ever good enough. Nothing.
14:03
Speaker 1: But to layer on top of that, they never put
14:06
Speaker 1: themselves out there in a vulnerable position to try something.
14:08
Speaker 1: So they'll tear apart your business idea of white so shit.
14:12
Speaker 1: They themselves have never tried to start a business. They'll
14:15
Speaker 1: tear apart why your outfits so shit and whatever. They
14:18
Speaker 1: have never tried to express themselves physically in a way
14:22
Speaker 1: that's a little bit more daring, and they've never they've
14:24
Speaker 1: never been vulnerable in how they in the closet they
14:26
Speaker 1: were or whatever. They will even you know, they'll look
14:31
Speaker 1: at other people doing a business, someone they might not
14:33
Speaker 1: even know, and be like, oh my god, that's never
14:34
Speaker 1: gonna work because of this. But they themselves never put
14:37
Speaker 1: themselves in that position and You never hear them compliment
14:40
Speaker 1: someone or say, wow, you've done really well or I
14:42
Speaker 1: love what you've done. Good luck with that. No, they
14:44
Speaker 1: don't do that. They're also really really hard to impress. Okay,
14:49
Speaker 1: so they believe that people are gonna work harder for
14:53
Speaker 1: their approval. If you are hard to impress, they think
14:55
Speaker 1: people are going to keep people on their toes and
14:58
Speaker 1: they're gonna work harder for my approval, which means that
15:00
Speaker 1: they're going to want to be around me longer. And
15:02
Speaker 1: I can kind of play around with that, but genuinely happy,
15:07
Speaker 1: comfortable people get over this really quickly. Not that they
15:09
Speaker 1: need approval or whatever, but when you're constantly getting dragged
15:12
Speaker 1: down and put down and I don't approve, I don't
15:14
Speaker 1: approve someone who's happy, is like, bro, don't approve someone else.
15:18
Speaker 1: I'm kind of over this uneven dynamic that we've got
15:21
Speaker 1: going on here. Okay, So then that's why. Then then
15:23
Speaker 1: they continue to gravitate to other miserable people. Things that
15:26
Speaker 1: go wrong for them genuinely in their life take up
15:29
Speaker 1: so much of their airtime. That's all they talk about.
15:31
Speaker 1: They talk about it again and again and again, and
15:33
Speaker 1: they keep bringing it back, bringing back bringing it, so
15:35
Speaker 1: all their friends are like again, talking about the same
15:37
Speaker 1: thing for the thousandth time, and then when something goes
15:40
Speaker 1: right for them, they dismiss it altogether, dismiss and go
15:43
Speaker 1: back to the narrative of things going poorly, And because
15:46
Speaker 1: they're only focusing on that, there's less right that is
15:49
Speaker 1: happening for them, because they're only focusing on the negative.
15:52
Speaker 1: So it's a negative cycle that will perpetuate itself. If
15:54
Speaker 1: you're only focusing on the bad things that happen to
15:56
Speaker 1: that's all you ever want to talk about. You never
15:58
Speaker 1: open up any space or awareness for something nice to
16:02
Speaker 1: happen in your life, and then for you to throw
16:04
Speaker 1: the spotlight on that nice thing. Okay, then they of
16:07
Speaker 1: course put blame on everything and everyone in the world.
16:09
Speaker 1: They absolutely cannot take accountability they give any power that
16:12
Speaker 1: they have to change on like, oh no, but this
16:14
Speaker 1: was really hard for me, or this all that it's
16:16
Speaker 1: never Wow, I really fucked up with that thing, and
16:18
Speaker 1: this is how I could have changed it, or this
16:20
Speaker 1: is what I could have done differently. Now, when others
16:23
Speaker 1: do have fun or find something genuinely funny or are
16:27
Speaker 1: laughing their heads off, they find it lame. They're just
16:30
Speaker 1: they criticize your intelligence, saying that you're not smart enough,
16:33
Speaker 1: or that you don't have good enough humor, or that
16:35
Speaker 1: it's immature humor. They think it's lame. They're just too cool.
16:39
Speaker 1: It's not cool. It's just too cool. I'm too cool
16:41
Speaker 1: for that. I'm too Why would you laugh at that?
16:43
Speaker 1: That's ridiculous, that's immature. Where they sit back in life
16:46
Speaker 1: as observers. They're never in life. They're not actually enjoying
16:50
Speaker 1: and invested and involved in life. Because if I saw
16:54
Speaker 1: someone laughing at something that I did not find funny
16:57
Speaker 1: and they were like actually having a barely laugh, can't
16:59
Speaker 1: catch the breath, I'm for the most part just laugh
17:03
Speaker 1: a little bit because I'm seeing people laugh makes me laugh,
17:05
Speaker 1: Like it makes me genuinely happy when I see people
17:07
Speaker 1: laugh their heads off. Okay, this idea of being too
17:12
Speaker 1: cool is also a really good way of not being vulnerable.
17:16
Speaker 1: Showing positive emotions towards anything can open you up to
17:20
Speaker 1: vulnerability because it's like, oh, I like this thing or
17:22
Speaker 1: I feel comfortable around this thing, and that's being vulnerable.
17:24
Speaker 1: If you shut off and if you're just too cool
17:26
Speaker 1: and you don't really lean into anything either here nor there.
17:30
Speaker 1: Then that's kind of like a wall that you put
17:33
Speaker 1: up to protect yourself. You never get enthusiastic about anyone
17:36
Speaker 1: else's stories, anyone's wins. You never show big emotions when
17:40
Speaker 1: you see someone. You just don't get excited, not even
17:42
Speaker 1: for your family, not for your friends, not for your
17:44
Speaker 1: own children, none of that. They're really big on saying
17:48
Speaker 1: I told you so. They love to say I told
17:51
Speaker 1: you so so. I think every single one of us
17:54
Speaker 1: on this podcast has heard someone say I told you so,
17:56
Speaker 1: and we fucking dag into the eyeball. Shut the fuck up.
18:00
Speaker 1: They always say things like I could have done that better,
18:02
Speaker 1: I would have done it that way, I would have
18:04
Speaker 1: done that so much better. But then they never actually
18:07
Speaker 1: would try. In reality, they would never be so bold
18:10
Speaker 1: as to put their work out there to be criticized
18:13
Speaker 1: unless they were just really fucking good at that thing
18:15
Speaker 1: and it couldn't be criticized. They have bitterness over their
18:21
Speaker 1: past in general, and they want to share that misery
18:24
Speaker 1: so they're not alone. And if you are really happy,
18:26
Speaker 1: they find it really hard to match your misery, and
18:29
Speaker 1: they feel uncomfortable around you, and they're either going to
18:32
Speaker 1: put you down, or they're just not going to spend
18:34
Speaker 1: much time with you. Okay, Now, I was looking into
18:38
Speaker 1: Reddit and I had some cool answers that they were
18:40
Speaker 1: in Reddit that people wrote about it. So one of
18:42
Speaker 1: them was, I believe people with huge egos are miserable
18:45
Speaker 1: in the sense that they have this They constantly have
18:47
Speaker 1: to protect their own reality and sense of self. They're
18:50
Speaker 1: always a hair away from having to defend their minds
18:53
Speaker 1: and egos from perceived threats, so they are prone to
18:56
Speaker 1: taking anything as disrespect or a proof of own inferiority.
19:02
Speaker 1: They tend to be very insecure inside, so they defensively
19:05
Speaker 1: project strength outwardly, for example aggression. And I think that
19:09
Speaker 1: was really interesting. And then someone else said, they have
19:13
Speaker 1: to feel that they're better than someone or anyone because
19:16
Speaker 1: others at their baseline for them, measure their own worth
19:20
Speaker 1: and feel empathy without other people to compare themselves, so
19:22
Speaker 1: to tell them that they're okay? Now, where does it start? So,
19:28
Speaker 1: for the most part, not always, but it does go
19:31
Speaker 1: back to kind of like their attachment with their primary caregivers,
19:35
Speaker 1: who never set them up to feel secure on their own.
19:39
Speaker 1: This is not always the case, but a lot of
19:41
Speaker 1: people kind of have always been like that, and they're
19:43
Speaker 1: kind of just stuck reliving this thing where they need
19:47
Speaker 1: other things in order to feel secure, and they go
19:49
Speaker 1: for the safest bet and staying in that miserable thing
19:52
Speaker 1: is you can't get disappointed. That's the beauty of being miserable.
19:55
Speaker 1: You can't really be disappointed because you don't get your
19:59
Speaker 1: hopes up ever, which is a sad existence. So ultimately
20:03
Speaker 1: it comes down to a big ego, being insecure in
20:06
Speaker 1: your own skin, unable to validate yourself, an inability to
20:09
Speaker 1: deal with bad things in life. And I'm not talking
20:11
Speaker 1: about traumatic events, that's different. I'm talking about just something
20:14
Speaker 1: not going well in your life, addicted to negativity as
20:18
Speaker 1: being your only form of validity. And because this is
20:24
Speaker 1: an antisocial behavior, it does push the kind of people
20:28
Speaker 1: that really could start making a change in their life
20:31
Speaker 1: a little bit further away, not completely out of their lives,
20:33
Speaker 1: but on the peripheral. So it makes it harder for
20:35
Speaker 1: them to feel close to you, and then it kind
20:37
Speaker 1: of perpetuates that cycle. Now here are a few points
20:46
Speaker 1: that I want to give to you so you can
20:50
Speaker 1: actually do something about it. If you are a miserable
20:53
Speaker 1: person or so you can have it as advice next
20:56
Speaker 1: time you hang out with that miserable person, and if
20:58
Speaker 1: you are dating a miserable person, sit them the fuck
21:01
Speaker 1: down and say, here are five things I need you
21:04
Speaker 1: to hear me say to you, and then I'll shut
21:07
Speaker 1: the fuck up and I walk away. But I have
21:08
Speaker 1: to say this because you are miserable and I'm sick
21:10
Speaker 1: of it. Okay. So the first thing is stop making
21:16
Speaker 1: negativity your personality. You need to stop making negativity your personality.
21:20
Speaker 1: That is not your personality. That is little things that
21:24
Speaker 1: are happening to you, and you're magnifying it and choosing
21:26
Speaker 1: to make it this is me. Okay. So some people
21:30
Speaker 1: get so used to being like I'm the cynical one
21:32
Speaker 1: or the brutally honest one or the sarcastic one that
21:35
Speaker 1: they don't know who they are without it. So dropping
21:38
Speaker 1: being so cynical feels like you're dropping your entire personality.
21:42
Speaker 1: And then instead of making every conversation about what's wrong
21:46
Speaker 1: with the world, you're like, what are we going to
21:47
Speaker 1: talk about? What am I going to do? So initially,
21:49
Speaker 1: when you try and drop that side of you, it
21:52
Speaker 1: feels like you've dropped your entire personality. So make sure
21:54
Speaker 1: that you are not making being negative your entire personality.
21:59
Speaker 1: If you ask yourself if I stopped complaining, what would
22:03
Speaker 1: be left with my personality? And if there's heaps that
22:06
Speaker 1: that'd be left, great, you're probably not the most miserable
22:08
Speaker 1: person if you're like, ooh, literally, my whole personality is complaining,
22:12
Speaker 1: what could I start substituting that form? And it's not
22:16
Speaker 1: about becoming fake positive and you know this false sense
22:22
Speaker 1: of like, oh my god, everything's amazing and whatever, Like
22:25
Speaker 1: you don't have to be that at all. But if
22:27
Speaker 1: everything you do involves finding flaws in other people, then
22:32
Speaker 1: that's all you're going to be good at doing. And
22:34
Speaker 1: then you're going it's like that reticular activating system where
22:37
Speaker 1: you just seek out the same shit that you've been
22:40
Speaker 1: looking for. Number two, I want you to start practicing
22:42
Speaker 1: how to celebrate people before you start comparing yourself to
22:45
Speaker 1: these people. Right. So, I think miserable people in general
22:50
Speaker 1: really struggle to applaud someone or celebrate someone because they
22:56
Speaker 1: instantly see it as a comparison and see why it
22:58
Speaker 1: was hard for them and easy for them. So someone
23:00
Speaker 1: buys a house, You're like, yeah, well you probably had
23:01
Speaker 1: help from your parents, or your job pays three times
23:04
Speaker 1: more than mine does. Someone got promoted, You're like, they're
23:07
Speaker 1: probably fucking fucking their boss. Someone starts a business, then
23:11
Speaker 1: you think, oh, well, that's a fucking saturated market that's
23:13
Speaker 1: going to fail. That's not gonna go. Well, someone did
23:17
Speaker 1: something nice for your friend. You're like, see what happens.
23:18
Speaker 1: It's pretty privileged. It's because they're hot. I bet you
23:21
Speaker 1: if they were ugly, no one would have done anything
23:23
Speaker 1: nice for them. It's because of the answer. You're always
23:25
Speaker 1: thinking that you can't just let someone have a win.
23:27
Speaker 1: You don't like people just having a win. You have
23:30
Speaker 1: to do so. If you're that kind of person, See
23:33
Speaker 1: if you can just applaud someone without having to compare yourself,
23:39
Speaker 1: it's not about you. Next time you're about to say
23:42
Speaker 1: something negative, even if it's in your head, just say
23:44
Speaker 1: it's not about me. It's not about me. Someone did
23:47
Speaker 1: something nice for someone else, and that person happens to
23:50
Speaker 1: be hot. Cool, they did someone nice, something nice for them.
23:53
Speaker 1: Good on them. That person got to buy a house.
23:55
Speaker 1: That's fucking great because when you start changing your mentality
23:58
Speaker 1: around you know what, I can celebrate this person's wins.
24:01
Speaker 1: Sometimes they are going to get there because they were helped,
24:04
Speaker 1: but other times they've earned it on their own, and
24:06
Speaker 1: it doesn't really matter. The point is that something good
24:09
Speaker 1: happened for someone that's supposedly my friend, So why can't
24:12
Speaker 1: I just be happy for them? And the happy I
24:14
Speaker 1: am for these people, the more I'm going to identify
24:16
Speaker 1: moments in life where good things are happening for me.
24:19
Speaker 1: The next one, number three is be careful what you rehearse. Okay,
24:22
Speaker 1: when you tell the same story again and again and
24:25
Speaker 1: it's something miserable, you are just going to confirm what
24:29
Speaker 1: your tomorrow is going to look like, what your next
24:31
Speaker 1: week is going to look like. The more we rehearse
24:34
Speaker 1: this has happened, this has happened, this has happened, we
24:36
Speaker 1: get very good at sharing our misery talking about our misery. Now,
24:40
Speaker 1: this is again different. If you're going through a cute,
24:43
Speaker 1: really horrible thing, a loss, a breakup, divorce, things like that,
24:48
Speaker 1: and you're talking to like your closest people about it,
24:51
Speaker 1: this is obviously different. I'm talking about perpetual, miserable people
24:54
Speaker 1: that always bang on about this thing of why they
24:56
Speaker 1: never got ahead in life or why they can't get
24:57
Speaker 1: ahead in life. Your brain, you know, when done enough
25:01
Speaker 1: times and when you feel it so heavily is not
25:03
Speaker 1: really focusing on picking the difference between something that you're
25:06
Speaker 1: just talking about and something that you're experiencing. If the
25:08
Speaker 1: feeling is there, the brand's going to be like, all right, cool,
25:11
Speaker 1: So this is what I need to protect myself against.
25:13
Speaker 1: This is what I need to, you know, make sure
25:14
Speaker 1: that I'm prepared for next time. And so then it's
25:16
Speaker 1: focusing too heavily on that negative aspect. Okay, you need
25:20
Speaker 1: to ask yourself, am I processing what happened? Or am
25:23
Speaker 1: I practicing it again and again and again? Am I
25:27
Speaker 1: rehearsing it? Am I processing it? Or am I rehearsing it?
25:30
Speaker 1: Because processing is fine to repeat something a few times,
25:34
Speaker 1: But it's where you're asking yourself, what have I learned
25:36
Speaker 1: from this? What has changed since I hashed over this
25:39
Speaker 1: last time? What have I done between now and the
25:42
Speaker 1: last time I spoke about it that's made me feel
25:43
Speaker 1: like a little bit more empowered? Or what have I
25:46
Speaker 1: asked someone for advice? Or have I looked at it
25:48
Speaker 1: in a different way? And if you're just going about
25:49
Speaker 1: it again and again and again and again and again,
25:51
Speaker 1: and you're not trying to process it. That's a problem.
25:54
Speaker 1: Number four. Become someone who can be impressed, even if
25:57
Speaker 1: you have to put it on for the first few times.
26:00
Speaker 1: Learn to let yourself be impressed. One of the saddest
26:03
Speaker 1: things about miserable people is that nothing can impress them.
26:07
Speaker 1: One of the saddest things about miserable people is that
26:10
Speaker 1: nothing can impress them. Every fucking movie or TV show
26:13
Speaker 1: is overrated. Everywhere they go out to eat or drink,
26:16
Speaker 1: oh average, it's actually not that good. Look at all
26:18
Speaker 1: these fuckwards sitting here. They're all fucked. Everyone's an idiot.
26:20
Speaker 1: Everyone's like fucking every holiday, Oh you know, I could
26:23
Speaker 1: have just stayed at home. It really wasn't that worth it?
26:25
Speaker 1: And then crowds aren't like crowds, and these and the
26:27
Speaker 1: fucking flight and the why do people bother with holidays?
26:30
Speaker 1: Every podcast is shit, every book they read is shit.
26:33
Speaker 1: Nothing impresses them in that sense. Every single person is annoying.
26:36
Speaker 1: They complain about people. They just hate people in general.
26:40
Speaker 1: They think I think a lot of people think this
26:43
Speaker 1: makes them sound intelligent, like you've got such a refined
26:46
Speaker 1: palette that what would it take for you to say
26:48
Speaker 1: you actually like someone, but it's you just come across
26:52
Speaker 1: as as a cunt. You know, you come across as
26:55
Speaker 1: someone that no one wants to spend time with. And
26:57
Speaker 1: if I had a friend who was like that about traveling,
27:01
Speaker 1: who am I not going to ask to go on
27:02
Speaker 1: a trip with me that person? If I had a
27:05
Speaker 1: friend that spoke about every restaurant and every bar, you
27:07
Speaker 1: might as well stay home. It's fucking ridiculous. And do
27:09
Speaker 1: you think I'm gonna invite them out? I mean, firstly,
27:11
Speaker 1: you're not a vibe to be around. But even if
27:13
Speaker 1: I was like, no, I still enjoy your company. I'm
27:15
Speaker 1: not gonna invite them out to a restaurant because I'm like, well,
27:16
Speaker 1: they don't like restaurants, so I'll invite them to do
27:18
Speaker 1: something else. But I'm not gonna invite them to a restaurant.
27:19
Speaker 1: I'll invite this friend to a restaurant. So you are
27:22
Speaker 1: literally saying to people, don't ask me to do anything
27:25
Speaker 1: because I don't like it. And then you get offended
27:28
Speaker 1: when you feel lonely, when people are pushing you away.
27:31
Speaker 1: When this and that, it's kind of a negative cycle
27:33
Speaker 1: that feeds itself. Okay, if I keep saying everything's fucked,
27:36
Speaker 1: everything's shit, and then you're like, well, now no one
27:39
Speaker 1: wants to hang out with me. Maybe try and change
27:41
Speaker 1: your language first and then see if it changes how
27:45
Speaker 1: people interact with you. It has to start with you. Yeah, Like,
27:50
Speaker 1: I actually think that one of the biggest signs of
27:52
Speaker 1: emotional maturity is showing that you can be excited about
27:55
Speaker 1: something and why and being vulnerable to talk about your
27:58
Speaker 1: feelings towards something that you you loved. When people talk
28:01
Speaker 1: about something they loved with passion, that's the kind of
28:04
Speaker 1: person I want to have a conversation with. Even you
28:06
Speaker 1: could be going through a really hard time in your life.
28:08
Speaker 1: You could be going through hard things and we can
28:10
Speaker 1: hash over it and talk about it, but I still
28:12
Speaker 1: want to see that you can be vulnerable with your
28:14
Speaker 1: feelings and talk about why I really loved this thing
28:16
Speaker 1: and I loved that, and I really liked that this
28:17
Speaker 1: person can do that, and I loved that trip that
28:19
Speaker 1: I went on and I wish I could do it again.
28:21
Speaker 1: You need to You need to have some sort of balance.
28:24
Speaker 1: It's not saying you've got to be positive about everything,
28:26
Speaker 1: but make sure that you're someone that is able to
28:29
Speaker 1: get excited and be impressed and say I love that thing. Okay,
28:32
Speaker 1: don't lose this ability to be impressed, because then you
28:35
Speaker 1: become a sad person. And last one is stop waiting
28:39
Speaker 1: for your life to earn your ability, like to earn
28:44
Speaker 1: your gratitude. A lot of miserable people are always thinking, oh, well,
28:49
Speaker 1: you know, I'll be happy once I have a reason
28:51
Speaker 1: to be happy. I'll be happy once you know, I
28:53
Speaker 1: get a fucking better job. I'll be happy when people
28:55
Speaker 1: are better, when this, when that, when that, when that,
28:58
Speaker 1: when I've got a reason. But that's not how it works,
29:02
Speaker 1: annoyingly for them, it's not how it works. Happy people
29:05
Speaker 1: don't just ignore the bad things that happen to them.
29:09
Speaker 1: They are able to look at the bad things that
29:12
Speaker 1: happen to them, process it, maybe learn from it, and
29:15
Speaker 1: then do something about it or learn to manage their
29:18
Speaker 1: expectations in that part of their life, and then they
29:21
Speaker 1: look at the positive. So it's not like I'm ignoring.
29:23
Speaker 1: I'm ignoring, I'm blissful, I'm unaware, I'm emotionally unintelligent because
29:27
Speaker 1: I can't look at a bad thing. Happy people are
29:29
Speaker 1: able to process sad things and really hard things, and
29:31
Speaker 1: they have their really bad days and they have bad
29:34
Speaker 1: things happen to them, but the way they approach life
29:36
Speaker 1: overall is going to be different because they look for
29:39
Speaker 1: things that they can be grateful for. They look for
29:41
Speaker 1: things that they can love and find happiness in. Instead
29:44
Speaker 1: of thinking, well, like, well when something gives me a
29:47
Speaker 1: reason to be happy, they're I'll be happy. A happy
29:49
Speaker 1: person will actually be seeking out those things, be seeking
29:52
Speaker 1: out those healthy connections, seeking out those conversations, seeking out
29:56
Speaker 1: people that they can enrich their lives and who can
29:59
Speaker 1: enrich their own life. Okay, if you're only allowed to
30:03
Speaker 1: enjoy your life and yourself wants everything is perfect, you
30:06
Speaker 1: will never get there ever. And then, lastly, it's not
30:11
Speaker 1: one of the five points, but I want you to
30:13
Speaker 1: ask yourself. Am I someone that creates energy or kills energy?
30:20
Speaker 1: Next time someone comes to you with a suggestion and
30:23
Speaker 1: invitation and ideas, something they want, a brainstorm, something they've
30:26
Speaker 1: thought about, do you add to it or do you
30:30
Speaker 1: shut them down? If someone in the group tells a
30:34
Speaker 1: funny story and you already see that people are enjoying it,
30:37
Speaker 1: you're reading the room hopefully, do you add to it
30:40
Speaker 1: or do you just shut it? Down and say well,
30:42
Speaker 1: I've already heard that one, or you said it wrong,
30:44
Speaker 1: it's not how it goes, or yeah, I guess it
30:48
Speaker 1: could be funny if you xyzed. You know, if someone
30:52
Speaker 1: has a really big idea, are you someone that encourages it,
30:55
Speaker 1: or even if you don't want to encourage it, do
30:56
Speaker 1: you ask them questions? Someone can have an idea that
30:58
Speaker 1: deep down I'm like, I personally wouldn't do that, and
31:01
Speaker 1: I don't think it's a good idea, So I don't
31:02
Speaker 1: have to be fake and say, oh my god, that's
31:04
Speaker 1: the best idea ever. What I do is I will
31:06
Speaker 1: ask some questions about it, and I'll get them to
31:09
Speaker 1: expand on their idea and get excited. So I'll be like, okay,
31:12
Speaker 1: so tell me when did you get this idea? How
31:14
Speaker 1: do you get this idea? So how do you plan
31:15
Speaker 1: on rolling it out? And then it still shows that
31:18
Speaker 1: I'm actually interested because I am interested. So whether I
31:20
Speaker 1: think it's a great idea or not, it doesn't matter.
31:22
Speaker 1: They're my friend. I'm interested. So that's a really good
31:25
Speaker 1: way of doing it. You don't have to pretend. You
31:27
Speaker 1: can still add to it without being this fake positive Okay, Now,
31:32
Speaker 1: if someone's excited. Do you match their energy and say
31:34
Speaker 1: I'm really happy for you this, or do you roll
31:36
Speaker 1: your eyes, being like, oh, you'll get over this soon,
31:38
Speaker 1: or oh, here we go again, Like how do you
31:40
Speaker 1: approach that energy? If I'm super excited and I go
31:44
Speaker 1: to someone and they roll up, here we go again,
31:47
Speaker 1: I'm probably not going to share my excitement with them,
31:49
Speaker 1: at least in the moment of my peak excitement with
31:51
Speaker 1: that person again, I'll probably go and talk to them
31:54
Speaker 1: once that peak excitement has worn off and I've gone
31:56
Speaker 1: to all the people that really do share in my excitement,
31:58
Speaker 1: and I think we can all relate to that. So
32:02
Speaker 1: a really good measure of this is how do I
32:05
Speaker 1: think that people leave my company feeling? Do they do
32:08
Speaker 1: they leave feeling warmer, safer, more secure? Do they leave
32:13
Speaker 1: feeling more confident, more themselves, more hopeful, more lighthearted? Or
32:20
Speaker 1: do they feel leaving like I've just squashed their hopes
32:25
Speaker 1: and dreams, or like I've made them doubt themselves, or
32:29
Speaker 1: I've like scraped off a little bit of their confidence,
32:31
Speaker 1: or of like really slapped them back down to earth
32:33
Speaker 1: and said, you're not fucking like, what's your aim? What
32:36
Speaker 1: do you actually want out of the people that you
32:39
Speaker 1: interact with. What do you want your impression to be
32:42
Speaker 1: when you walk away? And that should be the answer,
32:44
Speaker 1: because when we're miserable, you can be miserable in your
32:48
Speaker 1: own fucking time, but when we bring that misery to
32:50
Speaker 1: try and drag other people down twenty four seven. I'm
32:53
Speaker 1: not talking about the one off time where you're in
32:55
Speaker 1: a bad mood and you're like, guys, I need to
32:56
Speaker 1: fucking vent and early friends are like here for a
32:59
Speaker 1: vent away. I'm talking about people that are like this
33:02
Speaker 1: twenty four seven. You've got to ask yourself, like what
33:04
Speaker 1: actual impression would I like to leave on other people?
33:08
Speaker 1: And is it that I was just fucking miserable and
33:09
Speaker 1: pulled people down all the time? And then I wonder
33:12
Speaker 1: why things aren't going well for me in my life
33:13
Speaker 1: because like attracts like, oh is it that I want
33:17
Speaker 1: people to feel that they've been heard listen to? You
33:19
Speaker 1: don't even have to be the funniest person in the world.
33:21
Speaker 1: You could be the opposite of miserable and you don't
33:23
Speaker 1: have a funny bone in your body. You could be
33:25
Speaker 1: someone who's warm, who's kind, who's patient, who's a great
33:29
Speaker 1: ear to listen to who's supportive and none of this
33:32
Speaker 1: requires you to be so fucking hilarious and everyone will
33:34
Speaker 1: want to hang out with you. Okay, if you want that,
33:37
Speaker 1: you might be miserable and hate people, in which case
33:39
Speaker 1: you don't have to hang around people. But yes, I
33:43
Speaker 1: want you to look at it as misery, being an
33:45
Speaker 1: insecurity and if you don't do things to curb that,
33:49
Speaker 1: being a miserable person, it is going to feel You're
33:53
Speaker 1: going to feel more and more insecure, and it's going
33:55
Speaker 1: to feel harder and harder to break out of that.
33:57
Speaker 1: But when you do start to do things to change it,
33:59
Speaker 1: like how you direct with people, when you bite your
34:01
Speaker 1: tongue instead of saying that negative thing and instead you
34:03
Speaker 1: ask a question, then you're going to notice that it's
34:06
Speaker 1: going to do wonders for your self esteem. You're going
34:08
Speaker 1: to start showing up differently. You're going to start feeling better.
34:10
Speaker 1: You're going to realize that people interact with you differently.
34:12
Speaker 1: All of a sudden, people would just be shut down
34:14
Speaker 1: so they ask you no more questions. They're going to
34:16
Speaker 1: start asking questions back to you. They're going to start
34:17
Speaker 1: opening up. They're going to feel vulnerable and they're going
34:20
Speaker 1: to be able to share in their joy and their
34:22
Speaker 1: stories and everything with you. Okay, So yeah, we all
34:28
Speaker 1: know that bringing people down doesn't work. You've tried it.
34:31
Speaker 1: I mean I hope you haven't tried it, but miserable
34:33
Speaker 1: people have tried it. You know it. Try the opposite,
34:37
Speaker 1: give it a red hot go and see if anything
34:39
Speaker 1: changes for you. I think it will, but yeah, see
34:42
Speaker 1: if anything changes. That is all for today's episode. Guys,
34:44
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for tuning in. Hope you're not miserable.
34:47
Speaker 1: If you are, hopefully this helped. And if you are
34:51
Speaker 1: dating someone who's miserable, have miserable friends in your life,
34:53
Speaker 1: just like slide them this fucking podcast. Just casually DM
34:58
Speaker 1: them this podcast and hope that sends the message that
35:01
Speaker 1: needs to be sent anyway. That is all for today's episode.
35:03
Speaker 1: Love you guys so much. As always, remember you can't
35:06
Speaker 1: to yourself, be can't your brain, don't take shit from anyone,
35:08
Speaker 1: and especially don't take shit from yourself. Dunker