Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Parenting Season #3 - Teens (Pt. 1) | Ep. 08

Transcript

Parenting Season #3 - Teens (Pt. 1) | Ep. 08 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:03
  Cheryl: What a fun time we're going to have today.
• 1:06
  Cheryl: We have four wonderful ladies in here in the studio today.
• 1:11
  Cheryl: Uh, we are talking about a complicated season of parenting army teams, and I'm just so excited to process.
• 1:21
  Cheryl: With this with y'all today.
• 1:22
  Cheryl: Of course, Ellen is here.
• 1:24
  Cheryl: we have a friend who's been in here before.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: Personal friend and to DPP, Christy, introduce yourself.
• 1:33
  Cheryl: Hi, I'm
• 1:34
  Christie: Christie Dunkle.
• 1:35
  Christie: And I've been with you guys before I've got four daughters, uh, 15 to 22 and, um, a son-in-law and a husband So you're
• 1:45
  Cheryl: an expert in the team.
• 1:46
  Christie: Oh, I I'm an expert in knowing that I don't know everything
• 1:50
  Ellen: how many teams do you
• 1:51
  Christie: still have in the house?
• 1:52
  Christie: We have two at home.
• 1:53
  Christie: 15 and 17.
• 1:54
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:55
  Cheryl: Yep.
• 1:56
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 1:56
  Cheryl: And lease,
• 1:59
  Deleisse: I have four kids also, um, ranging from 19 to 26.
• 2:04
  Deleisse: Two of them married.
• 2:05
  Deleisse: One is about to get married and one in college.
• 2:07
  Deleisse: So we are, uh, we have a 19 year old, but other than that, we're we're through the teen years.
• 2:12
  Deleisse: And.
• 2:13
  Deleisse: Just enjoying
• 2:14
  Cheryl: life.
• 2:14
  Cheryl: So you survived.
• 2:16
  Cheryl: We survived.
• 2:19
  Cheryl: And one of the things, when we were talking before that does make the teen years a bit of a challenge is there's so much contradiction and confusion, not just for the kids, but for us as moms.
• 2:34
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:34
  Ellen: You went from the kind of the pleasant years, which are those middle years where your children kind of want to be with you and enjoy your company.
• 2:42
  Ellen: And, you know, they're pretty compliant.
• 2:45
  Ellen: And then all of a sudden your child enters the teen years and everything can change.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: But Alan, you know, before I ever had teens, the teen years had a really bad rap.
• 2:58
  Cheryl: Oh yeah.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: You're scared to death of the TV.
• 3:01
  Cheryl: You just heard all of this and just didn't know what to expect.
• 3:07
  Cheryl: And so what I want us to do is really be genuine.
• 3:12
  Cheryl: Let's talk about it, but also.
• 3:15
  Cheryl: Demystified a little bit, if we can, from our experiences and, and what we enjoyed about it.
• 3:21
  Cheryl: Well, before we do that, each of you what's surprised you about the teen years when you actually experienced it with your kids.
• 3:28
  Deleisse: That is what surprised me that it isn't scary.
• 3:31
  Deleisse: They're just, they grow into these people that are funny if I'm to be around and smart and it's, it's just a lot of fun.
• 3:38
  Deleisse: It's, uh, it was a surprise.
• 3:39
  Deleisse: Like you think they're going to be always moody, always, you know, against you.
• 3:44
  Deleisse: And that wasn't the case and it was a real, real fence.
• 3:47
  Christie: Yeah, I agree.
• 3:48
  Christie: I think another thing that was surprising was that it didn't always look the same every day.
• 3:55
  Christie: So getting to that point was a little back and forth, but, um, so you know, some of the other stages, it's you move from this, to this, to this where, um, it was a little clumsy getting there, but yeah, you eventually enjoyed them as well.
• 4:08
  Ellen: Yeah, I think that, you know, pros and cons, I think that, um, there were aspects of the teen years that were harder than I thought they were going to be.
• 4:17
  Ellen: And really the hardness was on me kind of.
• 4:20
  Ellen: Starting to release, starting to let them do more things.
• 4:24
  Ellen: It became a harder season in terms of concerns, because now they're going out with friends, driving, getting jobs, things like that.
• 4:33
  Ellen: And that adds a new level of
• 4:35
  Deleisse: concern.
• 4:36
  Cheryl: Again, going back to what Ellen said, it was a, such a shock coming out of the middle years and little gears, and we have to realize as we.
• 4:46
  Cheryl: The 10 years, the rules do really radically change and whether we like it or not, adulthoods coming.
• 4:54
  Cheryl: And like not calling them out when they're little have inappropriate responses, then we call them alongside and you can talk about it and all of that.
• 5:02
  Cheryl: And we have to be so sensitive with our team.
• 5:07
  Cheryl: I think maybe to respect their individuality and their privacy, to be more thoughtful and to, uh, have that bandwidth of emotion and time to be able to wait.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: And then maybe talk about it a little bit later.
• 5:24
  Cheryl: Hey, how are you feeling about that?
• 5:26
  Cheryl: Or bring it in, in a subtle.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: And
• 5:29
  Ellen: 10 years are really known for inappropriate responses.
• 5:33
  Ellen: You know, sometimes it's, you know, a little thing turns into a big thing in your, as a parent kind of shaking your head, like what happened, but that's just hormones.
• 5:42
  Ellen: That's just the changes that are going on inside of them.
• 5:46
  Ellen: It's just the mood they're in at that moment.
• 5:48
  Ellen: And that can be challenging.
• 5:50
  Deleisse: Yes.
• 5:51
  Deleisse: It goes from being physically hard.
• 5:52
  Deleisse: Like you're carrying around baby carriers and doing all these things to being more mentally and emotionally hard.
• 5:58
  Deleisse: Cause you're wearing.
• 5:59
  Deleisse: These people and who they're becoming and what you're doing.
• 6:01
  Deleisse: Right.
• 6:02
  Deleisse: And what you're doing wrong.
• 6:03
  Christie: I'm wondering if I'm the crazy one or if there's and usually it's at the same time, unfortunately.
• 6:10
  Christie: So
• 6:12
  Cheryl: that's a good point.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: It's so interesting because actually I was widowed for three quarters of my parenting teen years.
• 6:21
  Cheryl: And.
• 6:22
  Cheryl: So I didn't have bill speaking into it saying it's okay.
• 6:25
  Cheryl: You're not crazy.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: you know, when it, when it was a whirlwind of emotions and conversations and, um, but I would have the younger ones speak to me and say, um, you're not crazy.
• 6:40
  Cheryl: Not that not saying they're crazy, but just that affirmation, that.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: I wasn't losing my mind.
• 6:48
  Cheryl: It was confusing.
• 6:50
  Cheryl: And it was just sometimes not knowing how did we get here much less.
• 6:56
  Cheryl: How do we get out of this conversation or this issue that we're involved in?
• 7:01
  Cheryl: And, and so what we're talking about here, all of us, what are the qualities.
• 7:06
  Cheryl: That you wish you had known before or you learned, or you wish you'd known to bring to the parenting table.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: I just asked one of mine this weekend and I said, so looking back on it, what quality would you say if you just had one that you think parents of teens should have?
• 7:25
  Cheryl: And he said just like that, he said authenticity.
• 7:30
  Cheryl: And I really agree.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: What do y'all think about that?
• 7:32
  Christie: Yeah, I think, you know, they want to see, are we really who we say.
• 7:37
  Christie: We're saying we want them to grow into being and that we are there watching us.
• 7:43
  Christie: So yeah, I think I can see that authenticity being something that's really important.
• 7:47
  Christie: And
• 7:47
  Deleisse: can they count on us to do what we say we're going to do to follow through, to be just a solid common?
• 7:55
  Deleisse: Gives them some security.
• 7:56
  Deleisse: Yeah.
• 7:57
  Ellen: Well, and I think it's really hard because.
• 8:00
  Ellen: For me, at least I felt like the teen years, of course, those are the first time besides going through them, myself was, it was just a radical change.
• 8:09
  Ellen: Your parenting really had to be revamped and pumped up and.
• 8:15
  Ellen: You know, things were a little more serious, you know, they're doing more serious things and yes, that's a good way to put it.
• 8:22
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 8:23
  Ellen: Well,
• 8:24
  Cheryl: it's interesting.
• 8:24
  Cheryl: What all of this and what you just said, the lease about they're watching to see, are we really that already?
• 8:31
  Cheryl: Can they rely on us?
• 8:33
  Cheryl: But that was a surprise to me that they're really doing that, but they may not look like they're doing it.
• 8:39
  Cheryl: They may look like they're ignoring you or casting you off or setting you straight.
• 8:45
  Cheryl: I don't know about y'all, but I had teen set me straight.
• 8:48
  Cheryl: And so it was so different from the middle years, particularly my first couple I didn't know this was going to happen.
• 8:54
  Cheryl: I wasn't expecting that change.
• 8:56
  Cheryl: So.
• 8:57
  Cheryl: Even though, they're not saying, please affirm and let me know, you're safe.
• 9:00
  Cheryl: Please let me know.
• 9:02
  Christie: And where their closest specimen of what adulthood looks like or the most consistent model of adulthood.
• 9:08
  Christie: And so they're one starting to think about what they want to be as an adult.
• 9:13
  Christie: And if we're saying these things.
• 9:16
  Christie: That we see as valuable, then they need to be able to see the fruit of how that plays out and what, what it's worth to live that way.
• 9:24
  Ellen: They question that a lot too.
• 9:26
  Ellen: And sometimes it's hard not to take offense because when they're younger, you just can kind of say something.
• 9:32
  Ellen: Yeah, sure.
• 9:32
  Ellen: Mom.
• 9:32
  Ellen: Okay.
• 9:33
  Ellen: You know, or they might build a little backtalk, but, but teen years they're questioning all your motives and motives.
• 9:39
  Ellen: You didn't even know you had and you know, that that's kind of hard.
• 9:43
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 9:43
  Cheryl: So what would it look like for us to be authentic with her?
• 9:49
  Cheryl: What would authenticity as a mom look like personally, I mean, to tell someone that they say, what do you mean by that?
• 9:57
  Cheryl: Do you have any times, for example, I'm thinking of one time, two of mine were right on the cusp of 12, 13 ish along those ages.
• 10:08
  Cheryl: And they were fighting about something who knows.
• 10:11
  Cheryl: They were sharing a room and they were fighting about something and talking unkindly.
• 10:15
  Cheryl: And so I came here and I was doing the nice parenting thing and talking about blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 10:21
  Cheryl: And, and then, so one of them said, okay, I'm really sorry, but you're really a jerk.
• 10:28
  Cheryl: And I wouldn't have said if you hadn't been okay.
• 10:30
  Cheryl: And so.
• 10:31
  Cheryl: Then I did went into my mothering mode and I've just bought up this wonderful thing about no, we want to love one another.
• 10:39
  Cheryl: Well, and to really apologize, you can't give an excuse and blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 10:45
  Cheryl: And then the daughter I'd said that too pointed, right at me and said, you do it all the time, mom out.
• 10:53
  Cheryl: I said, what do you mean?
• 10:55
  Cheryl: And then she gave an example.
• 10:58
  Cheryl: I didn't realize I was explaining it a way.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: Cause we had to hurry up and go pick up their grandmother to get her to the airport.
• 11:06
  Cheryl: And if they didn't hurry up, then she would lose the plane.
• 11:09
  Cheryl: So I was trying to give them the big picture because I kind of was going, come on, get in the car, get in the car, get in the car and speak a little sharply.
• 11:17
  Cheryl: And then in the car, I apologize and said, because see if we don't get there, grandma, miss her.
• 11:24
  Cheryl: And she nailed me on that.
• 11:25
  Cheryl: She said, you're explaining a way what you did rather than just
• 11:30
  Ellen: apologizing
• 11:31
  Cheryl: saying, I'm sorry.
• 11:32
  Cheryl: So I had the opportunity then to do the right thing and say you're right.
• 11:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:37
  Cheryl: I'm sorry.
• 11:37
  Deleisse: I think that was one of the hard benefits of being a parent of a teen is that you, you do want to set a good example.
• 11:46
  Deleisse: And so you end up having to do things that you maybe would have let slide.
• 11:50
  Deleisse: And so that's, uh, you know, that refining process of, of trying to set the right example actually makes you into a better person.
• 11:57
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:58
  Christie: And I think authenticity doesn't necessarily mean that you don't make mistakes.
• 12:02
  Christie: It's how you respond when you are called out on those mistakes
• 12:06
  Cheryl: I think what she just said, we're showing them, this is what it's like to be an authentic adult.
• 12:12
  Cheryl: Is that when you make a mistake, you do the right thing.
• 12:15
  Deleisse: I just, I think that sounds good and easy to say.
• 12:19
  Deleisse: And then it's so hard to live it out.
• 12:20
  Deleisse: And so I just, um, I think we need to not be too, too hard on ourselves when we don't reach that course all the time.
• 12:27
  Deleisse: Like you said, it's not a hundred percent and no one's going to be a hundred percent, but it's, it's a goal to strive for.
• 12:34
  Deleisse: And you, you do it harder when you think someone's watching and, and maybe gonna emulate what you're doing.
• 12:40
  Deleisse: And I think for
• 12:40
  Ellen: our kids, teaching them, Hey, I'm learning.
• 12:43
  Ellen: Even though I'm an adult and I'm a lot older.
• 12:46
  Ellen: I still do things wrong or I still have bad habits and I'm learning.
• 12:51
  Ellen: So then there's not this big expectation that you walk out of the teen years into adulthood and you have it all together.
• 12:57
  Deleisse: I definitely didn't think that
• 13:03
  Ellen: there's one teen out there that might think that
• 13:07
  Christie: it gives them freedom to admit their mistakes and to come to you and be like, That's about where they're falling short and they're not trying to hide and lie about.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: And that's what my son as the expanded on it, he said, the kids who have done a lot of rejection are walking away or not in a good relationship with their parents.
• 13:29
  Cheryl: That that was exactly it, that their parents tried to prison.
• 13:35
  Cheryl: There perfection.
• 13:37
  Cheryl: And again, what they said, they believed him.
• 13:40
  Cheryl: They didn't always walk it out.
• 13:42
  Cheryl: And when the, if they got called out, they wouldn't pursue that.
• 13:46
  Cheryl: I S.
• 13:47
  Cheryl: Being called out or having it pointed out it's humility to really say you're right.
• 13:54
  Cheryl: And
• 13:54
  Ellen: your teenagers will definitely do it.
• 13:56
  Christie: The cards are on the table?
• 13:58
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:59
  Christie: You know, another quality.
• 14:00
  Christie: I think that's really important is just awareness, like being aware of your children, aware of their circumstances that they're living through or personalities or personal challenges they're facing.
• 14:12
  Christie: Um, I've found that really helpful with my girls to be able to really get into their worlds and, um, be compassionate as they are.
• 14:22
  Christie: Find their way clumsily through these teen
• 14:24
  Cheryl: years.
• 14:24
  Cheryl: Could you give me an example because I want to understand what you're
• 14:27
  Christie: saying.
• 14:28
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:28
  Christie: I think, you know, there, there was a time that, um, an expectation was not met.
• 14:34
  Christie: That was fairly clear that I was, I had given my daughter and she did not follow through all the way, but as she was talking to me, I was hearing this, you know, the scenario of.
• 14:48
  Christie: Broken friendship and a challenge that she was facing in that friendship.
• 14:52
  Christie: And I realized that was directly related to why she didn't follow through.
• 14:55
  Christie: And so just in hearing her talk through that, I was able to have some compassion.
• 14:59
  Christie: Now I would have probably disciplined differently in a different situation, but, um, I think that meant a lot to her to see that mom knows there's there's other things going on.
• 15:11
  Christie: And, and there's times to give mercy and just being aware of where she was.
• 15:16
  Deleisse: That's good.
• 15:17
  Deleisse: Sometimes we want to have these high expectations for our kids and not take into account that we wouldn't have that expectation for ourselves.
• 15:25
  Deleisse: If we were in the same situation they were in.
• 15:27
  Deleisse: And so I think that's really good to, you know, you just, you have to know their hearts and you have to know their, um, just their little things they do that show you, this was a hard day or their little cues.
• 15:41
  Deleisse: You learn those and you have to take the time to know their hearts and that.
• 15:45
  Deleisse: And, uh, just be aware of that, right.
• 15:48
  Deleisse: There
• 15:48
  Christie: are people too
• 15:49
  Cheryl: Just we are trying to be aware so we can have some understanding instead of just cut and dry.
• 15:57
  Cheryl: Well, Well,
• 15:58
  Ellen: I think, you know, for me, sometimes the transition from the younger children into the teen years was hard because I was used to telling you, okay, go do this and they would go do this.
• 16:10
  Ellen: And then now it was like, oh, I'm going to get an argument.
• 16:13
  Ellen: Or they have a reason they don't want to do it.
• 16:15
  Ellen: And it just, you know, and at one point we had three teenagers and you're exhausted.
• 16:22
  Ellen: And you sometimes feel out of answers.
• 16:24
  Ellen: Sometimes you don't care what the reason is know, and that, uh, that becomes more of a personal challenge in making sure that you're meeting the needs of your kids and that you're really willing to listen.
• 16:38
  Ellen: And then there were lots of times, I've just like, I'm sorry.
• 16:41
  Ellen: I'm.
• 16:42
  Ellen: You know, it's your dad's turn to talk tonight so he can sit with you and talk for a little bit.
• 16:47
  Ellen: If you want to talk, I'm going to bed, I'll see you tomorrow night.
• 16:49
  Ellen: So just sometimes it's just a hard job and it almost takes as much energy as when you had a house full of.
• 16:57
  Christie: And I think just like with authenticity, that's something we're modeling for them, that we want them to be aware of people in their lives and, and compassionate and understanding.
• 17:08
  Christie: and the season that we've been in.
• 17:09
  Christie: I know in our house, everyone living under my roof through quarantine, six of us all responded differently and had different hurts and.
• 17:20
  Christie: Greaves, you know, grievances that they had.
• 17:22
  Christie: And, and so, you know, there is a different perspective that other people might be facing.
• 17:28
  Christie: And if we're not aware of that, we're not going to know how to engage And so they can watch us model that for
• 17:36
  Ellen: them.
• 17:36
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:36
  Ellen: That's good saying you're tired and your children have to learn to, sometimes moms can be reciprocated.
• 17:42
  Ellen: Yes.
• 17:43
  Deleisse: It's just being a student of your child and understanding, and, and it's so hard when there's so many of them, you know, if it was just one and you get to learn one way to do it, but you have to learn each child and that is a gift and also difficult.
• 17:57
  Deleisse: And it's just something that's worth putting your effort into and it takes time and it.
• 18:04
  Deleisse: Awareness like we're talking
• 18:05
  Christie: about.
• 18:06
  Christie: And I also
• 18:07
  Ellen: think it's important to teach your children how to read and learn and express emotions and emotional cues.
• 18:14
  Ellen: You know, I would say, sorry, guys, I'm really cranky right now, you know?
• 18:18
  Ellen: So I'm just going to go over here.
• 18:20
  Ellen: Kind of don't bother me unless you need to, till I worked through my crankiness.
• 18:25
  Ellen: Cause that just happens.
• 18:26
  Ellen: So then your child feels like they can say, yeah, I'm really cranky right now.
• 18:30
  Ellen: And everybody gets a little space and they don't have to react out of their crappy.
• 18:36
  Ellen: Teaching them
• 18:36
  Christie: self-awareness and to
• 18:38
  Ellen: be the words to express what that is, especially as teenagers, if they can say, you know, I'm just really sad right now, you know, you don't even have to know at that moment what it is, but they're able to express, you know, I'm just feeling sad.
• 18:51
  Ellen: I need a little time by myself.
• 18:53
  Cheryl: These are such gifts.
• 18:54
  Cheryl: What we're talking about here.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: I mean, I think my parents never did any of that.
• 19:02
  Cheryl: To give me the words or the safety to be able to say, I feel this way And
• 19:10
  Ellen: 10 years are really known for inappropriate responses.
• 19:13
  Ellen: You know, sometimes it's, you know, a little thing turns into a big thing in your, as a parent kind of shaking your head, like what happened, but that's just hormones.
• 19:23
  Ellen: That's just the changes that are going on inside of them.
• 19:27
  Ellen: It's just the mood they're in at that moment.
• 19:29
  Ellen: And that can be challenging.
• 19:31
  Cheryl (2): Look, this is too good.
• 19:32
  Cheryl (2): We all come back and again, and let's talk some more about the 10 years to do that.
• 19:36
  Cheryl (2): All right.
• 19:37
  Cheryl (2): Excellent.
• 19:39
  Cheryl (2): So remember moms, hang in there.
• 19:44
  Cheryl (2): Even during the teen years, keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth.
• 19:51
  Ellen: Yes, it is