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Forgiveness · Reformed Thinking

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Welcome to reform thinking and welcome to the deep dive.
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We're really glad you could join us today we're going to be
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looking at some material you sent over.
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That's right, a whole stack of notes, study guides, even a
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transcript all focused on Christian forgiveness.
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It's a well, it's a topic that touches everyone's life, doesn't
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it, at some point? It really does.
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And what's interesting here is how these sources laid out a
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very specific understanding, one that's grounded directly in the
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Bible. And it differs quite a bit,
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actually, from how the world often talks about forgiveness.
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Yeah. So our goal today, our mission,
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if you like is to unpack all this material.
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We want to pull out the the most helpful insights and see what
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the Scripture, as these sources present it, really says about
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what forgiveness is, what it isn't, and you know what it
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looks like day-to-day. Think of it as getting a clearer
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map maybe for navigating this this really significant part of
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life, especially when you've been hurt.
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A map. I like that.
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We'll go through the foundation, the sources, layout, look at the
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key biblical words they bring up, see how it all applies, you
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know, both in our relationship with God and with other people.
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And we'll tackle some common questions that come up in the
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material too. Stuff that often trips people
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up. Sounds good.
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Let's unpack this. OK, so before we dive right into
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the how to of forgiving someone, your sources start somewhere
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else. They ground us first in the why,
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connecting it straight back to the gospel.
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They talk about 7 concepts that are crucial things to preach to
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yourself. Yes, and this grounding is
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really essential. It shifts the whole motivation
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you see away from just feeling like you have to forgive, like
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it's an obligation. Instead, it roots it in
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understanding what God has actually done for you.
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The sources suggest this contemplation makes forgiveness
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something you ought to delight in doing.
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Though it may be done through many tears, that phrase really
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captures it, doesn't it? It acknowledges the real pain
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but points to a deeper gospel driven joy underneath.
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Through many tears, yeah, that's honest about the struggle.
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But finding delight in it? That sounds challenging unless
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you see that gospel connection. Let's touch on a few of these
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concepts in the material. First up is Christ's shared
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suffering. Right.
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This draws from passages like Isaiah 53, the Suffering
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Servant. The sources really bring out
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this truth that Christ suffered not just in a general way, but
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infinitely more than any of us ever could.
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And what that means for us when we're hurt by someone's sin is
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that we are never alone in that pain, never your deepest hurts.
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That feeling of injustice, it resonates with Jesus.
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He gets it. He knows what it's like.
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Betrayal, mistreatment. He experienced it all.
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Knowing he's not distant, that's comforting.
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And linked to that, the sources bring up something tougher.
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God's purpose and suffering. This is hard, no doubt, but the
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sources are firm. God's sometimes purposes that
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those He loves deeply are painfully sinned against, and
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the ultimate example is Jesus himself.
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Acts 2 says his death, the worst sin imaginable, was part of
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God's definite plan. Now that doesn't mean God's sin,
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of course, but he sovereignly worked even through that evil
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for his good purpose. So the difficult truth is our
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suffering, even from other sin, doesn't mean God has stopped
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loving us. Look at Jesus, the beloved Son.
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He suffered according to God's loving purpose.
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That takes him sitting with. But it leads right into the
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third concept, doesn't it? Trust in God the Father?
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If Jesus trusted the Father through his suffering, we can
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too. We can.
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Jesus trusted Him completely right to the end.
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Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.
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And where is he now? Sitting at the Father's right
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hand. That shows God vindicated that
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trust. So if Jesus, who suffered
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infinitely more, trusted his Father, surely we can trust God
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with our comparatively smaller hurts, with the outcome, with
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justice. The 4th concept is maybe one of
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the most humbling, acknowledging greater sins against God.
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This one really turns our usual perspective on its head.
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You know, we tend to focus so much on the wrong done to us,
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but the sources layout this reality.
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As a Sinner, you have committed far greater sins against a
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perfectly holy God than anyone has ever committed against you.
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That's dark. Think about it.
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Sin against another person, however bad, is finite against a
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finite being. But our sin, It's against an
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infinite eternal God. Our debt is well, it's
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incalculable. The sources don't mince words.
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Our sins put Jesus on the cross. That's how huge the debt was.
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Right, that certainly puts things in perspective, and it
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leads straight to the fifth concept, rejoicing in Christ's
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purchase of forgiveness and justification.
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Yes, the glorious other side of the coin.
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Because Christ paid that debt, because he purchased our
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forgiveness and our justification, our right
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standing before God, everything changes.
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His righteousness is counted as ours.
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God the Father's view of us fundamentally shifts from guilty
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Sinner to beloved child welcomed because of Christ.
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We're declared righteous. Declared righteous, and the
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source is really stress rejoicing in that reality,
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letting that sink in. And that joy, that understanding
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of God's change, disposition towards us, that has to be the
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source, the motivation for forgiving others, which connects
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to the 6th point being purchased and owned by God.
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The sources stated plainly, you are not your own.
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You were bought with a price. You belong to God, so you now
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live to serve His purposes, not your own desires for payback or
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holding on to grievances. This helps reorient everything.
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Your life, even your pain, fits into His larger plan.
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And the final one number seven fellowship with Christ in
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sufferings. Yeah, the idea here is that when
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you actively apply these gospel truth to your suffering, when
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you reflect on them after being sinned against, it actually
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draws you closer to Christ. How so?
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Well, suffering shows us our weakness, our need for him.
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Leaning on him in pain builds faith, builds trust.
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And the sources talk about experiencing resurrection power
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in life to get through the hardest things when you're close
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to Christ. In that way, his strength shows
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up best in our weakness. Thinking through those seven
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points, it really does lay a foundation.
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It focuses you on God's character, His actions, your
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identity, and Him all before tackling the specific offense.
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It gives you the why and the spiritual fuel grounded in grace
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before you get to the how. It's meant to be something you
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preach to your own heart regularly.
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And right here, the sources give three quick cautions about
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forgiveness. They say it's not permission to
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delay, it's not dictated by feelings, and it's not a gradual
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process. Right, challenging some common
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ideas there. It's presented as an action,
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something rooted in truth, not feelings or timing.
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An act of the will. Based on understanding the
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Gospel. Precisely.
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OK, so with that gospel foundation firmly in place,
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let's get into the the mechanics, you could say, of
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biblical forgiveness. As the sources describe it, they
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highlight two key Greek words. And these aren't just for
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scholars, right? They represent two sides of the
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same coin, necessary parts. They really help us grasp the
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active nature of it. The first one is Aphemi.
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Aphemi spelled APHIEMI. The source has defined it as
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sending the offense away. What does that actually involve?
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It means to send the offense away from the mind and heart.
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Other meanings are like to disregard, to omit maybe to
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neglect the offense and the sources are clear.
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This comes from the minds resolve.
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That's crucial. It's an active thing you do.
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Not passive. Not passive at all.
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It's not just time passing and you forgetting about it.
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It's not, oh, I haven't thought about that hurt in ages, so I
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guess I'm over it. No.
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It's described as an act of putting away a conscious
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decision, an act of your will to send that thought, that memory,
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that injury away. And they use that illustration
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of a sneeze. Yeah, it's quite vivid, like
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you're launching something away from yourself, expelling it
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actively. Now, this doesn't mean you get
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amnesia about the event. The memory might still be there,
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but afiemy means you actively stop that memory from growing
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into a root of bitterness. You stop dwelling on it in that
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negative way. Right.
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You choose not to let it fester. And a really practical
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outworking of this afiemy is the commitment, not bringing it up
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with intention to harm. OK, explain that.
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This act of sending away translates into how you act.
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You make a deliberate choice, a commitment to never bringing it
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up again, with the intention to harm or humiliate the person who
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wronged you, and the sources break this down.
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This commitment applies first to not bringing it up to the
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offender themselves. Not even subtly.
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No, not even indirectly. The sources warn about being sly
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about this, making little digs or comments through the kids.
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You know, that's not sending it away.
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That's keeping it alive, OK. What?
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Else second, not bringing it up to other people, especially if
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your motive is to make yourself look good or get sympathy by
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making the other person look bad.
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Gossip, slander about the offense.
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Now they do say sharing for testimony or getting why.
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Counsel can be different if done carefully, maybe even with the
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offender's knowledge, and definitely without malice.
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The key is your intention. Are you trying to harm or
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humiliate? And thirdly. 3rd, it applies to
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not dwelling on it yourself. Again, not erasing the memory,
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but actively sending the thought away.
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When it pops up and tempts you toward bitterness or resentment
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or planning payback, you redirect your thoughts.
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OK, but what if you keep getting reminded or or the person does
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something similar again? That's a great point.
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The sources acknowledge you'll likely encounter fresh elements
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of the same sin or just reminders life happens and each
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time that happens it's another opportunity for you to send it
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away. Afiami isn't A1 and done thing,
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it's ongoing. Like Jesus saying 70 * 7.
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Exactly like that. It's a continuous practice of
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actively releasing the offense every time it comes up.
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OK. So afiami is the act of letting
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go, sending away the negative stuff, the resentment, the
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desire for harm. That's one side.
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What's the second word? The second word is carrizomi.
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Carrizomi CHARIZOMAI and the sources describe this is giving
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graciously from the heart. What does that look like?
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Well, the verb itself means things like to do something
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pleasant or agreeable, to do a favor, to give, to grant, or to
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show oneself gracious. And where a Fiami comes from the
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mind's resolve, Charisma is presented as springing from the
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heart's affections. From the heart.
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Yes, the root word chiro means to rejoice or have joy.
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So the giving here is meant to be free, willing, gracious,
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flowing from a changed heart. And the illustration they use
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pizza of my heart or kid of my heart?
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That sounds a bit quirky. It does, but it's trying to
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capture that sense of giving freely from affection, giving
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something good from your core, even if it's towards someone who
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hurt you. This part of forgiveness
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involves actively moving towards the other person in love,
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kindness, grace, not staying distant.
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OK, so Afyami is sending the negative away from your mind and
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heart. Right.
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And charisma is moving towards them with a positive, gracious
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disposition from your heart. You got it.
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And the sources mentioned that often people only think of the
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first part. Afyami, they might stop nursing
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the grudge. But they don't do the second
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part. They don't move towards the
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person in love. That's often the case.
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They might achieve a kind of cold peace, but there's none of
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that positive, gracious movement that comes from the heart.
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Biblical forgiveness as shown here, needs both.
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Let's dig a bit deeper into applying Charisma.
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This moving towards Colossians 3.1214 is a passage the sources
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really focus on here. Right Colossians 3.
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That's where Paul tells believers, as God's chosen
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people wholly and dearly love to clothe themselves with
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compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience.
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Then it says, bear with each other and forgive one another.
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If any of you has a grievance against someone, and here's the
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standard, forgive as the Lord forgave you.
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Yes, and the sources point out that this command to forgive
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using a form of charisma means giving savor to the one who
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wronged you. And crucially, this favor isn't
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just for the undeserving, It's often for the ill deserved.
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I'll deserved meaning they actually deserve the opposite
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of. Favor.
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Pretty much. The command is given to the one
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who was hurt, regardless of whether the offender deserves it
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or has even repented, the sources say.
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Even if they don't deserve your favor, you are commanded to
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extend it anyway. Wow, favor for the ill deserved.
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That cuts right across our natural sense of fairness.
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Is this where that demolition contractor analogy comes in?
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It is. It's a really stark illustration
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meant to make us uncomfortable actually, to show us this idea
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of favor for the ill deserved and then hold it up as a mirror
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to God's grace towards us. Remind us of that analogy.
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OK, imagine a demolition guy accidentally tears down the
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wrong house and tragically the owner's son is killed in the
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process. Horrific mistake, terrible loss.
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Now the sources ask, what if the owner, despite this awful wrong,
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chose to pay the contractor for the demolition work?
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Pay him? That sounds completely crazy
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absurd. You expect anger lawsuits, not
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payment. It seems absurd in human terms,
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doesn't it? Favor towards someone who caused
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such harm and deserve, well, punishment or liability?
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And the sources used this to picture God's forgiveness of us.
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We weren't just undeserving, we were his enemies.
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We were dead in sin. We deserved his wrath.
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Death. We were the ill deserved.
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Absolutely. Yet while we were still sinners,
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Christ died for us. God extended the ultimate favor,
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His Son, to us. He paid the price for our sin,
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our destructive actions through Christ's sacrifice.
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So how we forgive others? It's not meant to be based on
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whether they deserve it by human standards.
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It's meant to mirror how God treated us when we were the ill
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deserved. That changes everything, doesn't
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it? It reframes the whole basis for
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our charisma. It's grounded in God's radical,
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costly grace to us. And Ephesians 4.3132 echoes
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this, also using Charisma. Ephesians 4.
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Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander
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along with every form of malice. That's the negative.
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Then verse 32 be kind and compassionate to one another,
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forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.
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Right. And the sources look at that
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word compassionate or tender hearted.
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Literally, they say it means compassion from the gut.
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It's about seeing the other person not just as the one who
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hurt you, but maybe as as someone struggling in their own
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sin too, cultivating empathy, grace, even towards them.
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And doing these positive things, being kind, compassionate,
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forgiving Karzami is how you actually get rid of the
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bitterness and anger mentioned before.
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That's the idea. It's not passive waiting for bad
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feelings to go away. It's an active choice to move
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towards grace and that pushes the negativity out.
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It's an act of the will against our fleshly desires.
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It is, and the sources note this requires the Holy Spirit's help.
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We can't do this consistently in our own strength.
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That phrase in Christ in Ephesians 4.32 as God in Christ
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forgave you. That seems weighty too.
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Very it underscores that this kind of forgiveness, this
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charisma, it's going to cost you something, just like God's
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forgiveness cost him his son, extending favor.
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When you've been wronged, you won't feel fair.
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It often means absorbing a loss, letting go of what you feel they
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owe you. But the sources remind us, we
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cast our cares on God. We trust him.
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Vengeance is mine. I will repay, says the Lord.
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It's not on us to settle the score.
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That's God's job. And because Christ died for all
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sins, God's forgiveness is described as total and complete,
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not partial, not gradual. Right.
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And that completeness is the pattern for how we are to
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forgive others. OK, so we've looked at charisma,
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I moving towards in love based on God's grace to us.
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Let's circle back now to FEME sending the offense away.
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How do the sources show its necessity, especially regarding
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our relationship with God? Matthew 6.
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The Lord's Prayer comes up here. Yes, that line forgive us our
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debts as we also have forgiven our debtors, the source has
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explained. This doesn't mean our salvation
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depends on us forgiving others. Salvation is pure grace through
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Christ. But it does mean Jesus expects
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that a believer's regular walk with God, their communion will
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naturally involve granting forgiveness to others, should be
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a regular pattern. And Jesus double s down right
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after the prayer, doesn't he? Verses 14 and 15.
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If you don't forgive others, your Father won't forgive you.
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The source is called refusing to forgive.
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Hypocritical if you're asking God for forgiveness yourself.
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It is, and this leads to that crucial statement the sources
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make which needs careful handling.
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Horizontal unforgiveness indicates vertical
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unforgiveness. OK, break that down.
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Doesn't mean you lose your salvation if you struggle to
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forgive. Correct.
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The sources are very clear. Your union with God in Christ is
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permanent, secure. That's not what's at stake.
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So what is affected? Your communion, your fellowship
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with God, that day-to-day sense of closeness and openness.
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Unforgiveness creates tension, a strain like a wall in that
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relationship. OK, like the marriage
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illustration they use, you're still married union.
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But if there's unresolved bitterness, the fellowship is
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strained communion. Exactly that.
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There's an elephant in the room hindering intimacy.
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You're still God's child, but the experience of walking
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closely with him is Hanford. So when you come to God with
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unforgiveness, it's like he says, hang on, let's deal with
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his bitterness first. That's the idea the sources
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convey. It affects the freeness of that
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vertical relationship, resolving the horizontal unforgiveness.
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Applying affiami and Charisma helps restore that full
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communion. The parable The unforgiving
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servant in Matthew 18. That's another big one for
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illustrating. This yes, a very stark story.
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Peter asks Jesus, how many times should I forgive?
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7 times thinking he's being really generous.
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And Jesus is. Not 7 times, but 70 * 7.
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Meaning basically don't keep count.
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Forgiveness should be unlimited. Then comes the parable.
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The servant owes the king this unbelievable amount. 10,000
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talents. An incalculable debt, the
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sources call it billions, maybe in today's money impossible to
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repay. But the king shows astonishing
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compassion and cancels the whole debt, just wipes it.
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Clean, Amazing Grace. But then.
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Then that same servant, fresh off receiving this incredible
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mercy, goes out and finds a fellow servant who owes him 100
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denarii. Which is what, a few months
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wages compared to billions? Tiny, insignificant in
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comparison, but the forgiven servant shows this shocking lack
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of mercy. He grabs the guy, demands
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payment now and throws him in prison over this small amount.
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And the king finds out. He does.
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He's furious. He calls the first servant
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wicked and hands him over to be tormented until he pays back the
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original impossible debt, which he never could.
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So the point is, the main point highlighted is because arson
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debt to God is like that massive unpayable 10,000 talents and any
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debt owed to us by others is like the tiny 100 denarii.
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Forgiveness ought to be an obvious natural response for
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anyone who understands the gospel.
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If we've received such huge mercy, how can we withhold small
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mercy? That's it.
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The ending is a serious warning about the spiritual danger of an
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unforgiving heart. And to picture what
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unforgiveness does inside us, the sources use that prison
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metaphor for Milton Vincent. Yes, it's a helpful image, the
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idea that when someone wrongs you, you can choose to lock them
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up in a kind of prison inside your own thoughts and emotions.
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And there are different security levels for this internal prison.
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Right. They describe maximum security,
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total refusal to forgive, cutting off contact, actively
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nursing anger, then medium security.
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Maybe you're speaking, but there's an emotional perimeter
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fence. Cordial but distant, no real
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warmth. And minimum security.
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Minimum security, often passive aggressive, right?
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You interact, but you keep a file on the offense, put them on
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probation, ready to bring it up subtly if they step out of line
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again. And the punch line of this
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metaphor, Who's really imprisoned?
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Often, the sources say, it's the offended person themselves,
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decaying in a pile of bitterness.
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Even if the offender is oblivious, holding on to the
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offense keeps you captive. So feme is like taking the keys.
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Taking the keys, opening the cell door and letting that
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person go free from your mind and heart.
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Sending the offense away, dropping the fence, releasing
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them from that internal jail. And in doing that, you're the
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one who actually gets set free. Free from the bitterness, the
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burden of maintaining that prison, yes.
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OK, so bringing FEMA and Charisma together, the sources
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give a practical summary. Two parts.
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One -1 positive. Right, the negative aspect,
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that's the affyemi part. I will not bring it up with the
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intention to harm or humiliate. And we cover that That applies
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to the offender, other people and yourself.
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Yeah, actively putting away ill will.
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And the positive aspect, the care is on my part.
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I will move towards you in love. Meaning choosing kindness,
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compassion, returning good for evil.
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Yes, now the sources add an important note of wisdom here,
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especially about the positive aspect.
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Moving towards you in love needs careful application in severe
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situations like abuse. Right, it doesn't automatically
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mean restoring the relationship or even close contact.
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No, in those cases, moving towards them in love might be
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more about an internal posture, releasing bitterness, genuinely
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wanting their good, praying for them.
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Perhaps, but maintaining safe boundaries is also crucial.
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Reconciliation is a separate two way St. involving trust and
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repentance. Unilateral forgiveness can
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happen even without it. That's a really necessary
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clarification. OK, now the sources dive into
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some common, often tricky questions about forgiveness.
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Let's tackle a few. Sounds good.
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First one, is forgiveness conditional or unconditional?
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This is debated right even among believers.
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Some say true forgiveness requires a transaction.
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The offender needs to confess and repent first.
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They might use phrases like forgiving in my heart or
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attitudinal forgiveness until that happens.
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Yes, that view exists. The sources present North Creek
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stance as generally unconditional, meaning they're
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OK calling the injured party's unilateral actions the FME and
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Kara Zoomai. We've discussed forgiveness, at
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least in part, even if the offender hasn't repented.
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So you, the offended person, are called to act unilaterally to
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send away the bitterness FME and move towards them in love Kara
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Zoomai. Regardless of their response,
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you can still call them to repent, but your forgiveness
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isn't dependent on them doing so.
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And it seems, regardless of the label, people use forgiveness or
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attitudinal forgiveness, the sources stress that if you've
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been sinned against, you have immediate work to do yourself.
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You have to deal with the bitterness and aim for a
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gracious heart. That's the common ground.
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The unilateral responsibility is clear.
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OK, next question, do I need to seek forgiveness for something
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hurtful but not sinful? The difference between hurt and
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sin? The sources say no.
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Strictly speaking, forgiveness is for sin, for breaking God's
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law. Asking for forgiveness means I
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sinned against you. Please don't hold it against me.
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But, and this is a big but, if you hurt someone, even without
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sinning, an apology is definitely needed.
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Saying I'm sorry that I hurt you.
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Taking responsibility for the impact.
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Right. Acknowledging the pain you
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caused. The sources use an example of
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sarcasm. Maybe not intended as sin, but
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it hurts. Someone apologizing shows
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compassion, tender heartedness, even if you don't confess it as
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sin. OK.
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Third question, is it possible or necessary to forgive
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yourself? The sources are very direct
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here. No biblical support.
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None. And the reasoning?
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The reasoning is that trying to forgive yourself actually trusts
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and elevates self instead of relying completely on God's
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promises and provision for forgiveness in Christ.
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It sort of implies God's way, the cross, His declaration of
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pardon isn't quite enough. Like you need to add your own
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act of self forgiveness to really seal the deal.
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I see it suggests God's forgiveness is inadequate
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somehow. That's the concern raised.
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Receiving God's forgiveness is presented as a matter of
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trusting His promises, not achieving a certain feeling, or
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performing an act of self absolution.
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When God Forgives and cleanses you through Christ, the work is
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totally complete. There's nothing left for you to
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add. So instead of trying to forgive
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yourself, what's the biblical response to guilt over your own
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sin? Simple.
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Repent and confess. Confess to God and to others if
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needed, trustfully in His finished work.
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That's the path to freedom from guilt God provides.
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OK, 4th question. Will all consequences be removed
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when forgiveness is received? Again, a clear no from the
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sources. Forgiveness deals with the
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spiritual debt and relational break before God and helps heal
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your heart, but it doesn't magically erase natural, legal
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or relational consequences. Make a biblical example.
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Yes, Moses was forgiven but didn't enter the promised Land.
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David was forgiven but faced terrible family consequences.
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The thief on the cross was forgiven but still died
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physically. Forgiving someone who committed
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a crime doesn't mean you shouldn't report it or that they
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shouldn't face legal consequences.
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Forgiveness and earthly consequences can coexist.
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Got it. 5th question Does God require you to forgive and
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forget? Another no.
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Scripture nowhere requires you to have a blank memory.
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God himself chooses not to remember our sins against us,
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meaning he won't hold them against us anymore based on
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Christ. It's an active choice, not
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literal forgetting. And our memories can even be
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useful sometimes. Yes, for learning, for wisdom,
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for training in righteousness. As the sources put it.
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The goal isn't erasing the memory, but removing the sting,
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the bitterness attached to it. 6th Is it necessary to forgive
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God? The sources are emphatic.
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No, absolutely not. Why so strong?
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They say the idea is unbiblical. It assaults God's holiness
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because it implies God's sinned and needs our forgiveness.
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It ignores his sovereignty and His good purposes even in
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suffering. And ultimately it exalts self,
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putting us in the position of judging God.
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OK, absolutely not. Final question and a common one.
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What about not feeling like forgiving?
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This loops back to the beginning.
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The sources firmly repeat, forgiveness is not based on your
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feelings or emotions. It's a decision, an act of the
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will, obedience rooted in gospel truth.
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They use that Barbara Hughes story.
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Yes, her alcoholic father humiliated her publicly when she
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was young. Deep pain, obviously.
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But understanding the gospel, she made the decision to forgive
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him right then, even though her feelings were completely
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contrary. The decision came first.
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The decision came first based on God's grace to her.
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The feelings followed later as a result of obedience.
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So pulling all this together, this deep dive into your
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material, shows us that biblical forgiveness isn't passive.
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It's an active, costly choice. And it's completely rooted in
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the gospel, in what God did for us first.
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It involves both that active release sending the offence
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away, Fiami, and the active movement towards the person in
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love and grace carries away. Yeah.
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And it's clear it's not dependent on the other person's
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response or how we feel at the moment.
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It doesn't erase consequences. It's not about forgiving
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ourselves or God. And it requires the help of the
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Spirit. It flows from realizing the
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massive, undeserved forgiveness we've received in Christ.
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The spiritual outcome of practicing this?
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Well, it's huge. It's presented as vital for
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keeping that healthy communion with God.
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Unforgiveness creates that vertical tension hindering
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fellowship. And that prison metaphor, it
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really shows that applying A Femi letting go is the way to
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find freedom yourself. Freedom from bitterness.
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Holding on just keeps you locked up.
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Applying the gospel truths to our pain.
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Preaching those 7 concepts to our own hearts when we're
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wronged. Really grasping the debt God
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cancelled for us. That's what motivates and
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enables us to forgive, even when it's incredibly difficult, Even
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when it feels totally unfair, because we're mirroring the
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grace we received. It really is a core part of
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living out who we are as forgiven people.
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Understanding this helps us grasp our union with Christ and
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walk more closely with Him day by day.
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The sources are clear. Memories might stick around.
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The goal isn't to wipe the slate clean mentally, but with the
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Spirit's help to actively send the offense away and choose to
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extend grace just like God did for us.
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It really makes you stop and think, doesn't it?
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If God's forgiveness of your own staggering debt, the debt that
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cost his son's life, if that's the standard, how does that
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reality reshape your view of the much smaller debts others owe
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you? That's something to ponder as
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you reflect on this material yourself, and as you seek to
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live these truths out. Thank you for letting us take
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this deep dive with you today. Until next time.