Latest / Reverse Jackass / Ep87: Nick nearly dies in Evanston; Evelyn gets ambushed by jazz.

Transcript

Ep87: Nick nearly dies in Evanston; Evelyn gets ambushed by jazz. · Reverse Jackass

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's reverse.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Great, you want to make a podcast?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I really want to make a podcast.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I've been excited for this all day, so don't mess this up, please.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I never do.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Folks, welcome back to the Reverse Jackass podcast.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so glad you're here.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Nick.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: With me as always is Evelyn, the Canadian Blade.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Evelyn, say hello to these kind people.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, everybody.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so glad to see you.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so I'm just glad to be here.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is always such a joy.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And what makes it more of a joy today is that it's a Nick day, but maybe Nick had things to say before.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: No, I was just gonna I was just gonna chuckle at you telling me not to screw it up and then and then just clearly thinking so hard about how you were gonna dunk on me and your intro, and then coming up with an empty Easter basket.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: But it's a nick day today.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it's time for me to tell a story.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: And this is the story about the I think possibly the closest I've ever felt to death in my life.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to remind you that I've had COVID two times.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um but that's not this story.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: This is a story of food poisoning.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I was in my first year in Illinois living by myself, all alone, alone in a new state, um, just getting to know my boss, getting to know the people that worked for me.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: And my boss decided we should have like a company dinner together at this place called Magiano's, which is like a like a sort of upper middle, nice Italian chain.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if they have it in in uh in Canada, but we have it.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's delicious.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if you get a chance to go, and there was one in Evanston, and we were gonna have the staff there.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: And the night before I went to a less nice Italian establishment, and I won't say its name, but let's just say that um it's Chuck E.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Cheese.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, nope, it's not Chuck E.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Cheese.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Let's just say that I was hot and ready to get food poisoning that day.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um I don't know if you can if you can call that an Italian establishment or an Italian restaurant.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: They would tell you that they are.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: And if you only have if you only have two seasonings in your entire restaurant and there are oregano and parmesan, I think that I think I think that's like that's shorthand.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm not saying I'm not standing up for it.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not defending their actions, and I'm really not defending their actions over what happened next.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: But I went and got a pizza and I was so hungry and it tasted incredible.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I wish this was one of those stories where it was like, oh, it tasted a little funny, and I ate it anyway.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: It tasted incredible, and I immediately started to feel weird.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, stop.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: And okay.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Are we gonna have to put a barf warning in this story?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: No, no barf warning.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, there is there is no barfing in this story, and I don't know if that's better or worse because it's possible that maybe if I had gotten sick, I would have gotten it all out of my system, but I didn't.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I did have I did have a case of the poops, um and I was miserable and felt bad and feverish and cold, and I was shaky and couldn't eat, and every time I ate, it went right through me, and it was awful, right?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, okay.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: So the first day was like one of maybe two days in my entire time there that I took off work because I was sick.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was just laying in bed, shivering and miserable and trying to get through it and alone.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: It was the first time I'd ever lived alone.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so it was just like it was so lonely and miserable, right?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: So then the next day comes and I said to my boss, I don't think I can make it to this, to this employee dinner, like this thing that we have, the team dinner.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm I'm in really rough shape.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: And my boss said, Fuck you, of course you can.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna go.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, okay, but I'm gonna need to sit on a garbage bag.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that was kind of what it was like.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the good news was there's nothing left in my system because I wasn't eating at this point because I learned in the first thing that like it what I wasn't gonna make it, right?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: So but you were looking snatch as you felt garbage.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, let me tell you, I was I was already at my in my weirdly thin phase.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: And so yeah, I just took it all the way up to the next level.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Tighten that belt, let's go chow out on the side.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly, exactly, right?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like belt.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: I was wearing chokers around my waist at that point.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: So Okay, yeah, it's good.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: So my boss says, No, you're doing it.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I, instead of saying, Fuck you, I have food poisoning, I said, Okay.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so I I show up at Magiano's, which again, I've been looking forward to.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: The food there's delicious.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: There's gonna be a million pounds of it.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: I show up, the staff shows up, I get a text from my boss, I'm running late.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Get started without me.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so I get it started and I order a whole bunch of food for the table and an iced tea for myself.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm sitting there drinking my iced tea, smelling the aromatic.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know, this is one of those Italian places that has more than just two seasonings.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah, it's like it's legit.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's legit.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's you know, evocative, and my stomach is all over the place, and I'm drinking iced tea, and my boss sends me a series of text messages that culminated and I'm not gonna make it, you know, you do it.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Oh so I end up hosting this, I've been there for six months.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: I end up hosting this big staff dinner, yeah, you know, team building, you know, bringing us all together, having this nice thing, ordering all the food, paying the check, everything.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I don't eat a I don't eat a bite of food and I'm miserable.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And in retrospect, in retrospect, I should have read her the right act over that.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: But I didn't because I was a kid and I didn't know how to say no to stuff.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: So I told everybody goodbye and I went back to my apartment and I convalesced for a little while and I went back to work the next day.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so for like the next two days, I don't eat because I feel so miserable.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm back at work, but I'm just drinking crystal light and and trying to get through the day, right?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so finally, after like three days of not eating, I am so hungry.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like my body is screaming for food, and I wanted to eat, but it had just everything had just gone so badly.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: But I thought I feel better, I had stopped feeling most of the symptoms, I'm ready to eat.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so I went back to the pizza place.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just kidding, I didn't do it.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I thought there's no way it happens two times in a row.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Burn me once, shame on you.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: I ordered some uh delivery from a Chinese place, and I got this big thing of fried rice, and it was so delicious.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like just having been without food for several days, just being hungry, finally feeling better.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: It was so good.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I just meant to eat a little of it, but I ate the whole of it.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I did.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you did it.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was so hungry and it tasted so good.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: And it took about 15 minutes for my body to say, oh no, no, you're not doing this.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck you, said my body, right?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's a no from me, dog.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that was a triple, triple no from me, said every organ in my body.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I, and this is where it gets a little gross, but I'm gonna spare us most of the details.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: That is that is when I went to the bathroom and found a copious amount of blood in the toilet after you pissed.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: And scarlet.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's bad, Nick.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's really bad.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that was my thought.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: That was literally verbatim.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's really bad, Nick, was the thought that I had in my mind.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I was beside myself because I'm clearly hemorrhaging.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I flushed the toilet, and I remember putting my hands on the sink and I looked in the mirror in one of those weird soul-searching moments, and I thought, I'm gonna die here alone in this apartment at 26 years old in Evanston, Illinois.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I said, and I'm wearing lipstick.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Why the fuck am I wearing lipstick?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Why were you wearing lipstick?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't, Evelyn.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: It was dye from the crystal light that I'd been drinking for three days.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, and that's when I realized I wasn't bleeding at all.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: I was shitting crimson because I'd had nothing but fucking cherry crystal light for three days.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: I had so much red food dye in my system that I looked like a like a blood squib from a movie set.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like you could have poked me with a pin and I would have like, yeah, I would have exploded like I was in saving private Ryan.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like just I was I was 70% red dye at that point in my career.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't notice it until I saw that I had a big rim of it around my mouth that looked like lipstick.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so that was the moment that I went from like, oh my god, I'm dying, to utter bewilderment.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so then I went and and uh, you know, had had an angry explosive sick poop five more times, and then I went to sleep and woke up the next morning and went back to work and eventually I got better.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: But that was where I thought I was going to die.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought I was going to die alone.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really shocked, to be honest, that you hadn't looked at yourself before that.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, would you have been, was this at a point you were drinking crystal light where you've been home the entire time, or had you been out and about with your nice?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, what was the last thing you said?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, were you out and about?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Out and about.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Were you oh, were you out and about?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Were you sorry?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I guess you couldn't understand what I was saying.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, were you or were you wearing, did you have red lips when you were out and about?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: That sounds smarter.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Does it it feel like that?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: It feels filthy.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it still sounds filthy too.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's just, you know, it's a it's a you know, were you were you over there with your red lipstick on just going out and about?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: I I mean on some level, I confer some kind of education on that voice that I don't on oat and about.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Out and about yeah, it's not about education, it's about kindness.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's an important.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's about kindness.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's about kindness.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't remember.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever I don't remember.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I was I've been known to look in a mirror in my lifetime, but whatever happened, I didn't notice it prior to that, and nobody brought it up.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and you know, I so no, I don't I don't know how I didn't notice it, but I didn't notice it until that moment it was confounded and really thought it was cosmetics because it was bright.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: This is the reason why.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: I just want you to know when you're doing colonoscopy prep, they're like, Yes, you can have jello and clear liquids, but do not have the purple or the red Gatorades or Jell-O.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is exactly the reason why.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: I I didn't put it together until you just said it, but yeah, as a person who ate a lot of yellow jello um leading up to my colonoscopy, I'm glad I did because otherwise they would have said, He's dying, he's bleeding to death.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: They would have looked inside my colon and be like, oh god, it's filled with blood.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's like a blood balloon.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Amputated, amputated the ribs.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: We got the nose out.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Death hose.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Open him up, we're blasting it out.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh God, there was an artery in here.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: You wake up and you're quadruplegic now, and you're just like they're like, so as near as we we were able to we were able to to rule out hemorrhage, but only after we had a lot of misadventures is what we're gonna tell the insurance companies those were.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Only after we severed your spinal cord.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: Only after four separate acts of God that took place.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and one act of nature.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: And one act of nature, yeah.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, you make a great point.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't think about that.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: And and that's yeah, so that was the time that I thought I was going to die.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: So my question for you, Evelyn, um, is to the extent that you can make something like this funny and light, what was the closest you ever thought you were to dying?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, first of all, you've asked me that question on this podcast before.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: Have I really?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so let me let me.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Let's think of a different pod.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Let's let's because that was the one where I told I was at the the little circus amusement park in PEI and I was going to be around.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're right.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: So the this is clearly something I'm curious with you.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do you think it could be today?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, do you think What are your thoughts on death?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: What happens after you guys is uh what's the weirdest thing you've ever worn when you were out in a boat?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: The weirdest thing I've ever worn?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, like uh like food die.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I'll think of a better one.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Let me keep fork-shopping this.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so my question for you, Evelyn, is what is your greatest restaurant regret?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's good.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And for any reason, right?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: We just have to make up on a podcast.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be fecal, but that's a bonus.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, yo, it's not even a bonus.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: You don't get extra points for having fecal.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: I just it can be anything.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: It can be like, you know, uh, what's a good example?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, it doesn't have to be sickness.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: My biggest restaurant regret.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, okay.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to think of, you know, any exceptional dining experiences I've had over the years.
• 12:30
  unknown: Okay.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And and I don't mean exceptionally good, I just mean exceptional in terms of what's rising to the top here.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: What's different, yeah.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: What's different?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, especially because when you got apparently a very bad gluten sandwich, that led to your greatest success in social media marketing ever.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's true.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: That is true, yeah.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Nick is referring to a reel I had posted comparing my husband's sandwich to my sandwich.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and mine was a gluten-free sandwich that looked pathetic is an understatement.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Pathetic is an understatement.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And this reel um at this point has almost six and a half million views on it.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: Another slam dunk by flannel content.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's my favorite thing about it.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: Is that like is that like you make such good stuff, and the thing that takes off is is a silent reel of you showing two sandwiches, and people were like, Yeah, hell yes.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: This is what I'm here for.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: What else you got?
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: I want I need you to know how many followers.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: I got like 500 followers from that reel.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: I people are like the it's hundreds of great.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then my next reel is like, are you struggling to show up online?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, let me tell you what I do for my clients.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: And people were like, You had me at sandwiches, you had me.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go back to that to that Ruben your husband was showing there.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do that.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, my biggest restaurant regret.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I can't say that I I have like a regret.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: I had my first panic attack in a restaurant.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Tell that story.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you will love, you're gonna love this.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know why I already love the headline.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I had my first panic attack in a restaurant.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: It was uh June 2009.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: And here's why you're gonna love this.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what kind of restaurant it was?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I do know what kind of restaurant it was.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: Elegant.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: It really was.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: Was this the place where your friend made you the oyster?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: No, the oyster Julie.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: No, that that was 2005.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay, got it.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: This Jason had uh taken me up for my birthday because it was the year of our wedding.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so 2009.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so I was under a teaspoon of stress that year.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um and it was my first panic attack ever.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I I'm gonna say something cliche.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I was dying.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: I really you think you're dying.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: There's that feeling of I need to get out of here, but I don't know where I need to go.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: I just need to get out of here.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: But what you're gonna love the most about it, and I'm just gonna let you riff on this.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just want you to, you still have so much more of your Wednesday left than I do.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want you to take this and run with it.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Is that it was a jazz club.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh so just Nick, Nick, I I give to you an open mic.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Would you do you have any commentary on this?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, your sister referred to jazz as music to slit your wrist to.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um did that cross your mind at all while you were contemplating your own demise at a jazz club?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, no, because I, unlike the other 50% of people in this call right now, I love jazz.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was like, clearly, this wasn't the jazz that set me up.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, take me to heaven, cool cat.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you took the words out of my mouth.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: When I go to any jazz concert, I'm calling people hip cat, cool cat.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm snapping my fingers and being like, Yeah, man, I have a fedora that I wear.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: Oh God, of course you do.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's fun.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, um, yeah.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I I'm stealing a little bit of a joke from the talented Mr.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: Ripley, but like you were like, I'm dying.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of what it was.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm contributing like that too.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, I was burnt out and stressed at this time, but I had also had an incredible meal.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was multi-course, very rich.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um basically you can keep it down with the jazz playing in the background.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I I uh I had a lot to drink.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: I had a fair amount to drink, not like overindulging, but more than I normally would.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: It was a it was my birthday dinner.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: So it was my birthday.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: There were cans of Molson's, there was a set of car keys.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, I'm gonna shotgun some brews.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I'm gonna stab it in the side and just hammer that thing down.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna I'm gonna do it.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna shotgun.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: Be rude not to.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Happy the owner of the jazz club.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, this jazz club no longer exists in London, so I can't go have any kind of experience.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Weird.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: How does that happen?
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: Because people love jazz so much.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: How can how can one of those businesses it's almost like jazz is turning into one of those things that you have to have festivals to keep alive because people won't see it unless you can offer them an opportunity to get hammered out in the sun while they're experiencing it?
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Nick is saying this because I am part of the London Jazz Association here in our city, and we have a jazz festival for the entire month of April.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: And believe it or not, it is nothing about it is outside in the sun.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: No one, first of all, we don't have sun in April yet, so calm yourself.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Got it, fair enough.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: And believe it or not, the attendance this year was insane.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: We had 34 free performances within 30 days, and let me tell you, next year's gonna be even bigger.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: So wow, dozens of people lined up to pay no dollars to see this thing.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: How amazing.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Did you all offer like free COVID vaccines or something?
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like how did you manage to get that many people to come see Jazz for free?
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I just I just didn't wear tops at all.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it was.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's just sex selling again.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: What else do I have?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: I have nothing.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: I have nothing else.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: I I uh well, I guess other than on my Instagram, I have a gluten-free, a sad gluten-free sandwich.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: You have an enormous following for your sandwich.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I have an enormous following for my sandwich and a mediocre following for my boobs.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: So it's just well, yeah.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, you really put that sandwich out there.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: You've been you've been a little more coy with your adult content.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, that's true.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Coy sells, though.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Coy sells.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so okay, so you're in this restaurant having a panic attack.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: There's jazz playing.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds awful.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, tell me more.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: I get out, I get I leave the restaurant, I tell Jason I gotta go.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I get outside and I just start walking.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: I think I just started walking to the car.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Get to the car.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, Jason settles the bill, you know, get to the car, we drive back to uh my apartment.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember just it was really strange because I would be I was laying on the couch and then I just started spasming.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like I would lay there and every few minutes I would just have like a whole body jolt, you know, and then I'd calm down for a bit and then have another jolt, and then it would just kind of eventually come back.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_01: The jazz working itself out of your system.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: And the snare drum got quieter and quieter the longer I just the longer the longer I rested there.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that was it.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I had um three more the next day, so that was exciting.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, I know I was just really I thought at this point anxiety disorders had punch cards, and I was just wanting to fill it up real fast.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: So sadly there wasn't one.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I yeah, we were out for dinner with a friend of ours for her birthday at a different restaurant.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Nope, there was no jazz in this one.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: There was that's the key, and you were fine, weren't you?
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: No, I had to leave that restaurant too.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: There was a whole this kicked off a whole season of the jazz poisoning where I just had to leave any room I was in.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like this, it became almost like this wild thing that I'm like, I don't even I shouldn't even go into that room because I so I I wouldn't say it's because of a of the jazz experience.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: It was the overindulging in food and drink and probably in an incredibly fatigued adrenal system.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um you know, it was kind of wild, but I do have an ex-boyfriend story about a restaurant.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Would you like to I would love to hear that just to lighten lighten the the topic a little bit?
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you you having a panic attack in response to jazz is as light as a feather for me, just so you know.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: But do tell the story because this this boyfriend never disappoints.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: I know you always have you always enjoy these stories.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: So um, when we were still in university, this just requires a bit of setup.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was a piano major, and something I could do for credit was accompany other musicians because other musicians, when they were doing their you know, midterms or final performances at the end of the year would need to be accompanied by a pianist.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so I could accompany for credit, which is something I loved to do.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: I love accompanying.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I would rather do that.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: I would rather play in collaboration with someone than play solo anytime.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Always would much rather play with someone.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: So during this time, I accompanied a bunch of people, and then some people would pay me, other people I would be like, no, don't like, don't worry about it.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is just such good, a good experience for me.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I accompanied a few people in a flute studio.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I was accompanying some flautists, I accompanied a few people in a tuba studio, I accompanied Talbists, Taub Talbists, Taubists.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I don't know what you call it.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_01: You you like you like made sure you dropped that you knew.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: The word for okay, so tubist, I guess we'd say um some oboists, clarinetists, French horn knees.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: French hornies.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so this particular ex-boyfriend was a uh tubist.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: And boy, isn't your current man a tubist too?
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, he is.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, how have we not laughed about this a lot?
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's your type.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening to the reverse jackass podcast.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so this, so this, yeah, I know.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: I hadn't put that together either.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, you've been there, done that, been there, done that.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're new.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like they call they call me a size queen.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: You got enough brass?
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: Get away from me, Trump bonus.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's my instrument.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: You get you you get out of there.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so this particular individual, instead of paying me, said he would just take me out for a nice dinner at the end of the semester.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: Ah, smooth.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: Smooth.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so let's just what do you think this dinner like?
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, first of all, we went to an incredible restaurant, which also is no longer here.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_01: Restaurant industry is having a cocoa.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because your boyfriend was in it and they realized they needed to burn it to the ground.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, they were like, the the rehab costs for this would just be too high.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna try to incinerate the place.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: There's there's nothing else to do, but we gotta dig a hole in it and just pay just pave right over it and never talk about it again.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then we need to get a whole bunch of people in to just sage this thing because it's yeah.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: So it was a beautiful restaurant.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: The building itself was absolutely gorgeous.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: That you know, there's always someone playing the grand piano.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: This person also would often play the accordion and just like come by tables or with a violin and like sing like it was one of these, right?
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, so there was harassment also.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: So there was harassment, yeah, yeah.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: High class harassment is what this is.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so we went to this restaurant.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: And at this point, keep in mind this was not an official relationship at this point, right?
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: This is this had come and gone.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: We had dated Yeah, no, he was still extorting labor from you with that's correct at dinner at this point, right?
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: Extorting labor and affection.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, yeah.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: So this was just a tubist and his accompanist going out for a nice dinner where we both got dressed up, and this dinner probably costs a couple hundred dollars at best.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: That he could have just handed you that he could have handed it.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: And then asked you out on a date.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: But me in my constant waffling state, decided, yeah, this is great.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: This'll this'll work.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is totally fine.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: This means he's gonna be.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's the piano company about for that?
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, no, like they there's pieces that are like obviously composed for tuba, but they would also play like like really challenging orchestral excerpts from many other things, and then generally, my part you know what my part is an orchestral reduction, which is every other part in the orchestra condensed to one big, fat, almost impossible piano part.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: So that was mine.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: Mine was a full-blown workout, and I guess theirs were too, but it was sure.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_01: All those, all those quarter notes.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: Are you kidding me?
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: There would be 16th note runs in there, my friend.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like you're yeah, okay.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: No, it just sounds so hard and so meaningful, too.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: So oh, someday, I just really hope.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: Show me the final scene of Ocean's 11 that just has a tuba run on it.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_01: 16th notes in all.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: Just give me your hardest fucking tuba run.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because obviously you're playing stuff in university from movies.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I just mean they use Claire de Loon, don't they?
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: And it's just this beautiful moment where they're watching the Bellaggio Fountains and they're reflecting on their relationship.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just imagining, like, yeah.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so instead you just bring in the the tubist and his like, yeah, yeah.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's awesome.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so we haven't even gotten to dinner yet, and I almost have to go phone and payroll.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: So tell me the what happened.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: It was just it was two people having a dinner under different pretenses, right?
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh yeah, this is us getting closer together.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because why wouldn't I think that if we were going to a really nice restaurant?
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and what it's doing.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right, because we didn't go to Pizza Hut, which probably would have been a lot more satisfying.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: And would I have then had the Italian restaurant poops after?
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I totally would have.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: Nope, because let me tell you, Pizza Hut did not give me food poisoning.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, let me tell you.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: And this could have been this could have been the celiac talking before the celiac.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: I've never had food poisoning from Pizza Hut, but I they use a lot of grease and oil, and and I reacted accordingly often after eating.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_01: So at the end of this, you're you're on a date and he's not on a date, like because to me that strikes me as a thing a manipulative person does to get somebody to go on a date with them.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, maybe I don't I think I was hopeful that this was this this was what that meant.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: But then as we know from previous episodes and previous stories, I've told that there's a lot of back and forth, back and forth, uh, you know, with with the a lot of push and pull in this in this relationship.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I mean, I had gone there a couple of other times with some uh like staff groups.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: Some of us would, you know, just have a we'd go to see a play at the theater, and then we'd go here afterwards for a late dinner.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I just remember being in there and it was just kind of tainted.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I don't want to be in here anymore.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: This just feels stupid now.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like this just feels like a kind of a joke.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I would say I regretted that more for the company and more for the weird whatever that dinner was.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then I regretted the jazz club, not because of the jazz, but because of the decision my nervous system made to collapse really at that one particular point after a really nice meal.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's a shame.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's a sad story.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's a sad story.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I am yeah, that's all I got for you, Nick.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's all I got.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: Take us home.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_01: Well, well, fantastic.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Gobsmack, folks.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, that's the end of this episode of Reverse Jackass.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_01: We're so glad you're here.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_01: We hopefully brought our two countries one step closer to peace, but even if we didn't, we were glad uh that you were here with us on our journey of one step backwards.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that's it.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_01: We'll see you next time.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_01: Evelyn, say goodbye to the people.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: See you later, everyone.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: And when in doubt, just eat it anyway, because even if it tastes good, well, you you still might lose, so you might as well enjoy it until you're pooping blood.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: Nailed it.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: As always.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: Some neighbors are besties.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: Others quarrel bitterly.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_01: Stuck together through geography.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_01: One of us has nukes, and the other has tokes.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's American Canadian diplomacy.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's reverse.