Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep24: Tom Time: 29 Minutes or Less 🤣.

Transcript

S2 Ep24: Tom Time: 29 Minutes or Less 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_03: You ever meet somebody and they're so boring you feel like they poisoned you?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like you're talking to them and you're like, I feel like I'm dying right now.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_03: And I think you did it.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_03: This guy's name is Craig.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_03: I met him.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_03: I made sure to get it.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, I'm gonna remember you for the rest of my life, man.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_03: He I met him at the bank.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_03: Is he a bank teller?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_03: Is he a security guard?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_03: Nope.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_03: What's his job?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_03: Whatever they call that guy that stands in the lobby of banks now, where you like you walk in and you're like, do you work here?
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_03: And he's like, I think so.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_03: That guy?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: The lobby liaison?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I saw him, and we made eye contact.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know how you work.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_03: For me, if we make eye contact during the day, not at night, but during the day, out of human decency, I acknowledge you.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_03: So that's what I did.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_03: We made eye contact, and I go, how you doing?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_03: And he went, and I was like, okay, so then I get to the second set of doors to walk in.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_03: And as I reach for that door, I hear uh, you going to the bank?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_03: I go, is this still a bank?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, yeah.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_03: I go, I'd like to.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, go for it.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, okay.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_03: And then I reach back and he goes, uh, I'm going to Virginia next week.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_03: Are you telling me that?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, you said how you doing when you got here.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_03: I had to think about it.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I'm doing.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_03: I go, that's the craziest shit I've ever heard anybody say.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: And also not how that question works, but alright.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_03: And now I reached back and he goes, Yeah, my sister lives there.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, how long she lived there?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_03: Now I'm roped in.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, 15 years.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, you've never been?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, mm-mm.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_03: Now I'm starting to look at him like, hey man, do you drive to work or does somebody drop you off?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I mean?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_03: I think he can.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_03: I think he can see it in my face.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, out of nowhere, he goes, I drive.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, that's good.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_03: That's cool.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_03: I drive too.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_03: That's crazy.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I gotta get in here.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, yeah, we're gonna check out DC and we're gonna see some monuments.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_03: I go, I would love to hear about it, but I have to make a deposit.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, Well, I'll be here when you walk out.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_03: I go, you motherfucker.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_03: Fuck that guy.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_03: And fuck everybody like him.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_03: If you have the audacity to tell people how you're doing when they say how you're doing, that shit is rude and selfish, alright?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_03: I'm serious.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_03: There are two acceptable answers to how you're doing: fine and great.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_03: And if you're miserable, you say fine.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_03: You don't burden people with your real world problems during a courteous exchange.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_03: Now, I'll tell you on a grand scale who's helping nobody lose weight is Starbucks.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_03: And this is true.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: They have a national training campaign to try to trick you into ordering food.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_03: And this is why.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_03: They know you're going to order a beverage.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_03: So they try to lead you into food.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_03: Pull into any Starbucks drive-thru.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_03: And now they greet you.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_03: They say, Welcome to Starbucks.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_03: What can we get started for you to eat today?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_03: And you're like, wait, what?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_03: I just wanted coffee.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, no shit.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_03: What else do you want?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_03: So then you're like, I don't know, sausage?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: Like, what do you have?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_03: I don't respect that.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_03: I like my shame straight up and honest.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_03: And nobody does that better than the West Coast burger chain in and out.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: And if you've never been an In N Out, get your fucking life together and go.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_03: And I want you to go simply so you can experience the most shameful and honest question in all of fast food.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_03: Because you pull up and you go, I'll have a double-double fries and a Coke, and they go, Will you be eating in the car?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think so.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_03: And they go, I bet you will, you fat fucking pile of garbage.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_03: Doesn't that question sting?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_03: You're like, am I living in my car?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_03: Why am I eating in my car?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_03: Because if you say no, they give you a bag and they're like, leave with dignity.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: But if you say yes, it's an open tray and they go, eat out of that, pig.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_03: And then it falls in your lap and they go, pick it up!
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, how about?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: And they go, Are you gonna jerk off when you get home because you're lonely?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna give you a free milkshake because you're bumming everybody out.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: We're fast food workers, you're making us sad.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_03: Get the fuck out of here.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_03: If you bring a baby into a movie theater, you're a piece of shit.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: If your reason for doing it is that you couldn't get a babysitter, well then you don't get to go to the movies.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_03: That's how that works.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_03: It happened to me in back-to-back movies, which statistically I did not think was possible.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_03: First movie, I'm in there five minutes.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_03: I'm watching the movie, and I hear, what?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_03: And I turn, and in the row behind me, there's a mother, a father, and a baby.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_03: Not a child, which I think is an important distinction.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_03: It's a baby.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, all right, these people are insane.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_03: Um I'll just ignore this.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: Turn back, 30 seconds later.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, well, now I have to say something.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_03: Now I'm polite.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_03: So I turn and I go, uh, excuse me, are you stabbing your baby right now?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_03: Because it sounds like it.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_03: And the dad goes, no, I love the baby.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_03: You picture him, okay?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_03: I love him, pero no, it's my baby.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_03: And I said, Well, could you?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_03: Because I'm trying to watch this movie.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_03: And the baby's ruining it.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_03: And he was like, No, no puedo.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: So I get up, I go to the lobby, I see the manager of the theater, I go, hey, there's a fucking baby in there being a baby right now.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_03: And the manager goes, some people suck.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_03: And he walked away.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: That is the best customer service line I've ever heard in my life.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_03: Hands down.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_03: You can't even get mad.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_03: If you're in a restaurant, you've been waiting on your food, you're like, hey, where the fuck is my food?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_03: I've been here half an hour.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_03: And the manager's like, some people suck.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_03: You'd be like, oh yeah, some people suck.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't think that.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_03: My bad.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry about that.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_03: I left.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_03: I left.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_03: The next day I go back to the movies.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: I should point out I saw a different movie.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_03: It was also a different baby.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_03: It's not the same family standing out front, and then they see me and they're like, oh, there he is.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_03: Alright, let's go inside.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_03: And ruin this for him again.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_03: This time, I am way further into the movie.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_03: I'm emotionally invested in this movie.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_03: I like the movie.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_03: And then out of nowhere, I hear.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_03: This time I swear to you, I audibly go, nah-uh.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: And now other people get involved.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_03: You know when you can hear somebody's age in their voice?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I can't see shit.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_03: It's a dark theater.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: I just hear a guy go, either make it quiet or get it out.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_03: That guy's 140 years old.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I could hear that he'd never hugged his children.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: I could hear it in his voice.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_03: This time, the mother of the baby goes, shut up.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, oh shit.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_03: Like, we have a situation.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_03: And then a third person goes, What are you doing?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_03: Just as a passive aggressive.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: She said, shut up, just go straight to fuck you.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_03: Like, what are you doing?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: But now I wanted to be the hero and like save the movie.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I felt a tremendous sense of injustice.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_03: Like all these movies are being ruined by babies, but I didn't realize I was too angry in that moment to um, what is it?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: Speak English words in a sentence?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: You know when you just get like real rage, like you just dude?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like you feel it, your throat dries out, and so I stood up in the theater with the best intentions, and I went, Why?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_03: Because everybody's not in the adult movie! Like none of it made sense.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody was like, who's that fucking guy?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_03: What's his problem?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_03: I was I was trying to say, let's be civilized adults.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_03: But instead I went, adult movie.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_03: Cover your baby's eyes.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: The next thing, I see a white t-shirt pop up, and I'm like, oh, there's the dad.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_03: Some of you got it.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: And he looked around, he was like, Who's talking shit?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, I'm talking shit, bitch.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't say it, but he knew it was up.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_03: But then I went out the exit immediately because I'm not getting my ass kicked over the Lego movies, so I left.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: I probably checked into 400 hotels this year, and when I tell you that this has happened to me more than half a dozen times, I am not exaggerating.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_03: Every hotel check-in begins usually the same.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: It's standard.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_03: Hotels, they you know, the people at the desk, they go, last name.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: And this just happened to me.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: Last name?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, Segura.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_03: And the guy goes, Whoa, are you Japanese?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, 100%, yeah.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_03: And he just goes, Oh, we don't get a lot of Japanese people here.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_03: That's pretty cool.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_03: So I have to stop him and go, hey man, I'm not Japanese.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, Sugura.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: Sugura.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: Sounds Japanese.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_03: I go, that's because you're saying it Japanese.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_03: I could be Smith, and if you want to go, Smith, it's Japanese.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, well, what are you?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_03: Which is fucking rude.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_03: Can I just say it's never important to ask that question?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_03: What are you?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_03: It's never important to ask that.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_03: It's sometimes important, but not a lot.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_03: When is it important?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_03: Sushi chef, accountant, hundred meter dash.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: Outside of that, sometimes it matters.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_03: So I tell him, I go, Segura is Spanish.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, that's weird.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_03: You look white.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, I am white.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, but you're Spanish?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, correct.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, do you speak Spanish?
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_03: I said, yes.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, so you're Mexican.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, no.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, I don't know what's going on.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_03: He said, what's going on is you failed fucking social studies.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_03: And you're not too good at geography either.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_03: And then I see his head drop, like he feels bad.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, look, man, it's you understand there's white people in Mexico.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_03: You know that part.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, no, I don't.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_03: I said there's white people there, there's black people there, there's even Asian people there.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: And if you really want to shit your pants, those Asian people, they speak Spanish too.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: You don't expect it, but they're like, dim some muy rico, si lo quiero provar, si no lo quiero provar, they are Asian.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_03: And they speak Spanish.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes you witness the power imbalance play out in front of you between the genders in a grotesque fashion.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_03: Of course, when I say the genders, I am only speaking of two of the several hundred that now exist.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_03: I would like it to be clear where I stand.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_03: I have no problem calling anybody anything they wish to be called.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_03: It is no burden on me.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_03: You can identify as a shoelace if you want to.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_03: And I will call you Zippity Zimser if you ask me to.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_03: Do I think it's a little silly?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_03: But so is Badminton, and that's an Olympic event, you know?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_03: So here's what happened.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_03: I was shooting a movie a few months back, and one day we wrapped up kind of early from filmmaking.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_03: It was late afternoon, and I walk offset and I notice there's a bar across the street.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: I go, I'm gonna walk into this bar, have a drink, go back to the hotel.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_03: Simple enough, right?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_03: I walk in, I see a woman seated at the bar doing what I can only describe as weird shit.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_03: If you're like, what do you mean, Tom?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I think there's a normal spectrum of behavior that you see from one seated at a bar.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_03: You know, if you see them seated there, you might see them go like this, or uh like hey, or maybe even ha ha ha.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_03: This lady is seated at the bar and she's going.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, is she making fudge?
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_03: What is she doing over there?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_03: I also notice it late.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I notice it as I'm walking past it.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_03: That happens sometimes, right?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_03: Like you walk, you see something as you're passing it, you're like, that's some crazy shit, and you keep walking, and then you're like, I need to see that again.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know how I'm gonna see it again.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_03: Now I'm dead center, and I see that a woman, to be clear, is in public 4:30 in the afternoon, and she is sitting there fucking peeling her potato.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know, uh playing with her pussy.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I'm trying to say.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_03: And she is not hot, if you're wondering.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_03: If you're like, was she super hot?
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_03: No, she wasn't.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_03: And because of that, I tattletailed immediately.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_03: You know, what's up?
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_03: So I go to the bouncer, I go, excuse me.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_03: That not model over there is diddling herself at the bar.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_03: And this big yoked dude look, and he goes, I go, yeah, talk to her.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, I'm like, excuse me?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, I don't want anything to do with that shit.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I don't think anybody does.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_03: There's a woman masturbating at the bar.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, oh, like he's put out by my outrageous request.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, all right, man, Jesus Christ.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: So he gets up, he walks like halfway there, turns around, he goes, Yeah, I couldn't do it, man.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: I go, you have to.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: So he calls over the hostess, this cute little 22-year-old is like, what's up, Carls?
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, handle that.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: And she's like, uh-huh.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_03: She goes over there, super polite, which is fucked up, considering the circumstances.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_03: I can't hear her, but I can read her body language.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, Ha.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: And she's like, everybody can see you.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_03: And then she goes, stop it.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_03: Stop it.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_03: And she goes, You promise?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_04: And she goes, thank you.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_03: And she comes back and she goes, she stopped.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, she finished or she stopped.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, she stopped.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, okay.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, wait, is she allowed to stay?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_03: And she goes, Yeah.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_03: I go, why?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_03: And she goes, because she stopped.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_03: I go, I'm sorry.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_03: Would I be allowed to stay?
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_03: If I was just sitting at your bar, just kind of toying with the top, you know, like would you tap me on the shoulder with asked me?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: Will you put your leaky dick back into your pants?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_03: You want some chicken fingers or sprite or something?
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_03: I say you called a SWAT team, and they would repel into the building.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_03: Someone would crack my fucking head on the side of the bar, and you'd have a parade as my corpse was carried out, as she goes, you're right about that.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe I'm overreacting.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_03: I don't jerk off in bars.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_03: I I I have been fantasizing a lot about people asking me how I lost the weight that I haven't lost yet.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_03: And like, I just have so many answers.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I really enjoy doing I'm like in my head, I'm like, dude, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you just gotta make smarter choices, man.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, yeah, drink more water.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_03: Look at me.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I've never felt better.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_03: I have so much energy.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: If I can do it, you can do it.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_03: And then I eat chocolate souffle as I have the chocolate.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, roll, roll, roll, roll.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, well, like next year I'll probably be ready for this conversation.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_03: Fucking asshole.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_03: I got a trainer.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_03: They gave me a trainer.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_03: That's a better way of saying that.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_03: I joined a gym and they go, Do you want a free training session?
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, okay.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_03: What does it normally cost?
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, like$900.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, oh wow, that's a great deal.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's awesome.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_03: The first session is a bait session.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_03: It's ridiculous.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_03: The guy's like, stand up.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, wow, you're a very powerful athlete.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_03: Were you pro before?
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, I okay, yes, I was.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_03: I think I was.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, Yeah, you look like it.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_03: I can see all your muscle fibers.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_03: They look really great.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, and then he's like, Do you want to do this all the time?
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, yeah, absolutely.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_03: This is a good boost for me.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_03: I like this a lot.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_03: Second session, way different than the first session.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_03: Second session, I'm doing burpees.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you jump on the ground and then you jump onto a wooden block.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'm running through sand, pushing a sled, and I go, is this SEAL school?
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_03: What are we doing right now?
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_03: In the middle of this workout, my trainer goes, stop.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_03: And I said, Thank you.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, you know why I told you to stop?
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, Yeah.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_03: So you don't have to give me CPR, I think.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, No, the Holy Spirit.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, the Holy Spirit told me to tell you to stop.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, What did I sign up for?
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_03: What the fuck is this?
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, Do you believe in Jesus Christ?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_03: And I said, Is he gonna make me do push-up?
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_03: And that right there, he got really mad at that.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_03: Like, really upset.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_03: He was like, it's not all jokes.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: Like, oh, I said one thing.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: I can't say one thing.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_03: And he tells me to take the big plate, the 45-pound plates, like hold it over your head, and run down to the pier and back.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: And the pier is like three-quarters of a mile.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, nope.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_03: Not doing that.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, you're quitting?
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_03: You're quitting on me right now?
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, no, I'm not quitting.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_03: It's just that um the Holy Spirit talks to me too.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_03: And said there's no way I'm gonna make this run without throwing up and people pointing and laughing at me.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm gonna get a peanut butter protein shake right now.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_03: I'm out, man.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_03: Later, and I took off.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm a dad.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_03: And uh I am.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_03: I've changed some.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_03: Not too much.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_03: You have to change a little bit.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_03: You know, there's an expression having kids changes you.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_03: I think personally, I think it should be modified to having kids should change you.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_03: It's a big time red flag when you meet somebody who's like, yeah, I've had four kids.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_03: I haven't changed at all.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_03: And you're like, oh, you're super unstable.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_03: That's good to know.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_03: They don't have to be huge changes, but you know, you you you kind of evaluate your life and you make a change.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_03: Me personally, I'm very proud of what I changed.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_03: I I realized when I had kids, I had no time, no energy.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_03: I need to edit something out of my life.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I edited out of my life?
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_03: Arguing with everyone.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_03: Every friend, every family member, I just don't engage.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: As soon as it starts, I flip it on them.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so as soon as I'm arguing with somebody and they're like, yeah, I don't really agree with you, I go, yep, I'm on your side now.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, what?
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_03: I go, I as soon as you spoke, I came around and joined you.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_03: That's how little I want to talk to you.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm free.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_03: Feels great.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_03: Now, not everybody likes it.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_03: I'll tell you, my own mother is not a fan.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_03: She lives for arguing.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_03: There are some people built like that.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_03: She lives for combative things.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_03: She wants to just fucking stab, twist, turn.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_03: She loves it.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_03: She's also a dream crusher, which is my least favorite quality in a human being.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_03: You know, a dream crusher, the person who, no matter what you say you want to do or try, they're like, mm-mm.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_03: Not you.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_03: And you're like, it's good to have you around, you know.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_03: Those stay with you, right?
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I bet you me just bringing it up brings them to your own memory.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_03: That's how powerful they are.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_03: I remember, I do remember telling her, I was like, I'm going to LA to do stand-up.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_03: This is years ago.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_03: I say it to her, I'm going to LA to do stand-up.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_03: Her response was, you should go to the post office.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_03: I was so naive.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, they do stand-up shows at the post office?
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_03: And she goes, No, to work.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, oh no, no, no, stand-up would be the work.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_03: And she goes, I understand.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, wait a minute, am I telling you my dream?
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_03: And then you're saying, go be a mailman?
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_03: And she was like, Jase.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_03: Now I do all right, you know, I make a good living.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_03: She knows about it, obviously.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_03: She hits me up for shit constantly.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_03: But I still get to have some fun.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know what I sent my mother just a few weeks ago for her 75th birthday?
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_03: A book of fucking stamps.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_03: And I put a little note in there, I got these at work today.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_03: Ha ha ha ha.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_03: Last one I ever went on, I board with my wife.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_03: We get on, she looks at our boarding passes, and she goes, uh, we're not sitting next to each other.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, okay.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, you don't want to switch seats?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, not really.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, why not?
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_03: I said, because we don't have to.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, what does that mean?
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_03: I said, well, there's only two people that have to sit next to each other, and they're up front.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_03: We can sit anywhere.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_03: And she goes, you're gonna ask people to move.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, great, should be a real treat.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_03: So that's always fun, right?
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_03: Y'all settled in?
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_03: You want to stand the fuck up now?
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_03: Great.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_03: So we're both window seats.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_03: We need an aisle to move.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_03: So I go to the guy sitting next to her, and this guy is old.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know how old, but it doesn't look good.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_03: Alright?
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_03: He's he's drooling.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_03: He's got rubber where there used to be bone.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_03: Put it this way.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_03: It's his last flight.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_03: Alright?
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_03: So after this one, no mass.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_03: So I go, excuse me, Gandalf, do you think that you could move so I can sit next to my wife?
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_03: And he goes, move.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_04: Mm-hmm.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_03: He goes, you move.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'll move here.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_02: And then you move there.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_02: He goes, you can't see a meniscus.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_02: Food was on a fire trainer.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_02: I gotta stretch out.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_02: I said, well, well, I won't be able to stretch out as much.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_02: Stretch it out there.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_02: So let's build up more.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_03: And I go, Are you reading me a fucking novel about this?
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_03: I was trying to figure out like where is power the most equal?
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_03: You know?
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's a parking lot.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_03: Just hear me out.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't matter what you drive.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_03: If you drive something, that parking space is yours.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_03: And when you are ready to leave and other people are looking for a place to park, oh don't you love that moment?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_03: Like you're walking back to your car from the mall on a Saturday and you're done shopping and you see people like, ha ha ha.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_03: Where will I park?
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_03: And then they see me and they're like, hey, are you?
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_03: I'll be like, I don't know.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_03: I like to give them false hope.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_03: Do you ever do that?
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I know they're waiting for the brake light.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_03: Well, first they have their blinker on, like, that's an official that's not my blinkers, that's just mine.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_03: You're like, okay.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_03: Are the US Marshals gonna back you up on this shit right now?
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_03: But they want your brake light to appear, because that means you're starting the car.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_03: So I'll do this.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_03: I'll just hit my brake and release it.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_03: And you feel the tension rising, and you're like, this is exciting.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_03: And then they snap and they're like, what the fuck?
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: What are you doing?
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when I go, I'm eating in and out.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_03: It's probably gonna take an hour.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_03: But then as soon as they drive by, I'm like, nah, I'll eat it later.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna go ahead and take a look at the mm-hmm.