Latest / You Minding Your Own Business / Episode 58 - Healing and Recovery from Grief Of Losing My Dad.

Transcript

Episode 58 - Healing and Recovery from Grief Of Losing My Dad. · You Minding Your Own Business

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hello, Hello, Hello buddy, Welcome to you Mine your own
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: business radio podcast. I'm your host, Asha Mariama. Thank you
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: guys for joining me for this episode. Normally I would
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: do an introduction, but today I'm not gonna do that
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: because I decided I wasn't going to do that. But
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: after hearing this particular episode, if you do want one
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: on one coaching, or you want to be a guest
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: on my podcast, or you want me to sponsor any products,
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: you can reach me at A SAHA dot M A r.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: I A M A zero one at gmail dot com.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: This a Saha dot M A r I A M
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: A zero one at gmail dot com. Now I want
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: to say this when it comes down to this topic. Now,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I just posted a podcast about me losing my dad
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: and his funerals tomorrow. That's the reason I have not
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: been doing any podcast last week or the week after,
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: because I got a phone call last Thursday morning or
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: afternoon saying that my dad was passed out, unresponsive and
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: he passed away.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: That he's me.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: We don't know exactly what he passed away from, won't
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: know until we see the death certificate, will know when
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: he what he passed away from. But I wanna talk
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: about something besides that too. It's the fact that when
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: people pass away, if they don't have a living will
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: and testament, if they don't have a power of attorney
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: or someone that's going to be the executor of the
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: state of the estate, it is hard to do anything.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: And then you gotta get attorneys involved. There's a lot
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: of things that have to be done, and in my situation,
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: that's something that was not done when my dad passed away.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: Unfortunately, it wasn't done.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: But it's important that you, as a child or even
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: a spouse, please make sure your husband or your family
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: members have those things in tact. That's something that I'm
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: gready to do a willing testament. I don't have much
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: because I don't have a house. I don't have really
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: anything that is going to be something worth it. Accept
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: a accept maybe a.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: Life insurance policy. That would be about it.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: But if you have like a business, if you have
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: a brand, if you have those type of things and
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: you want them to keep going, then you need to
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: make sure that you have stuff in place to where
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: somebody can take that stuff over just in case something happens.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: You want where you have residual income to where it's
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: gonna be passed, and what I would recommend would be books.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: I recommend music, anything that has a catalog. A lot
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: of people what they do is they will end up
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: going and selling off their catalogs, and so when they
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: pass away, their children get nothing. There are a lot
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: of parents that are saying when they leave deserve, they're
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: giving their stuff to charity. Bill Gates said that he's
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: only giving his kids ten million dollars, the rest of
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: us going in charity. These baby boomers are not leaving
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: their kids nothing. They're not They're leaving their kids with debts,
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: and it's crazy how that happens.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: But healing and recovery is also about that.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: I've seen situations where there are parents that go in
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: their child's account, take money out of it, and then
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: don't even pay the child back their money. But then
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: the other child that is their favorite is not helping
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: with nothing. So it's always crazy why how one child's
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: got to be the responsible one and then one child
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: is not, Or if you have more than one kid,
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: or you have a situation where you have a man
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: that moves his family into your home and then wants
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: you to sit up there and take care of him.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: See the thing about it is, I'm tired of this
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: thing where it's always women that are using men for
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: money when there are men that do the same thing
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: as women do. When it comes to wanting to be
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: taken care of, you have mama's boys, you have mommy's girls,
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: You have daddy's boys, you have daddy's girls. So you
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: have a lot of people that are spoiling, entitled on
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: both sides, that want to be taken care of. Now,
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: what I will say is this, when it came to
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: this situation with my dad, I loved my dad.
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: I really did.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: I expected my dad, but we did not have a
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: father daughter relationship as I would have liked us to have.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: We didn't.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: And knowing that, I'm not really getting too much say
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: so when it comes to everything, and I am currently
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: in the process of trying to move back to North
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: Carolina so I can be here for my mother because
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: I know my sister's not gonna do it. And for
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: some of y'all, you may say, why is it that
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: you're sacrificing and your sister's not sacrificing. That's just who
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: she is. So at the end of the day, I'm
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: coming back because my son is here. And not only that,
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: you know, I want to make sure my mother doesn't
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: have to deal with all this stuff alone.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: So I'm not gonna put this on her alone. But
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: I know one thing.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: If I'm helping paying for this house, we gonna make
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: sure that there is a power attorney in place as
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: far as if anything happens to her, Because if I
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: get this house, then I get to decide I want
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: to do with it, whether I want to sell it
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: or whether I want to keep.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: It, especially if I help pay for it.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: So at the end of the day, there are a
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: lot of people that are getting screwed, a lot of
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: siblings that are being screwed, a lot of people that
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: are helping their parents and helping their families pay bills.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: But yet there's always that favorite kid. And I understand
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: that completely, but I will say this, at the end
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: of the day, it has been very eye.
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: Opening being here.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: So, like I said, when they come to me, I
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: don't get the same help. I don't get the same
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: things as my sister does. And I've accepted that. But
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: I know one thing, once I get everything situated, if
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: I decide to go back to Florida. I am going back.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: I love Florida, love being there. That's where my piece
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: is at. So, like I said, it's a lot that
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: was done because the one thing I learned in the
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: situation of my dad. And I'm saying this because I
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: want to help other people that are going through losing
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: a parent. Please make sure they have a power of return.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: Please make sure they have an executive estate. Please make
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: sure they have a willing testament, because if they don't,
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: you can't touch nothing, which means you.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: Have to go through lawyers.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: You gotta go down and get court papers saying that.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: You are the executor of the estate.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: So while I'm down there with my mother, I'm gonna
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: make sure that even though she's going to be the
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: person that will be responsible with the house, I still
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: want to be the person that if anything happens to her,
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: that there is a power of atturn. I'm gonna make
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: sure she has a willing testament, that she has a
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: power return, that she has all this stuff. While we
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: have a lawyer if we need one. At the end
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: of the day, like I said, you know, sometimes you
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: made sacrifices because you don't want to see the person
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: you love out there and you don't want to see
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: them in a bad situation, which I don't want. But
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: it may have to come down to refinancing the house.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: And if the house has to be refinanced, and that's
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: something that we have to figure out, more than likely
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: it will be me that.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: I have to refinance the house.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: But if it's in my name, then it's my house
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: and I'll get to do what I want to with
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: their's house because it will be mine. Now, do I
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: plan to remodel the house, Absolutely, I plan to remodel it.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: I'm repainting, I am redoing the kitchen, redoing the bathrooms.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: But if I refinance it, I'm refinance it with enough
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: to be able to actually actually redo the house, because
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: it'd be worth more money if I put more into it.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: So if I decide to rent it out and I
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: go back to Florida, I can do that or I
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: can stay here and I can basically essentially have a
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: house that I don't gotta pay for except for the taxes,
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: speaking of which.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: I gotta call about that.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: But what the reason I'm telling my story is because
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: there are a lot of people that's going through this
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: where their parents pass away and they don't have any
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: burial insurance, no life insurance, nothing, and they have to
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: pay out a pocket. So what most people will do,
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: they'll end up cremating. And that's the cheapest thing to
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: do is cremate, because there's no point of having a
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: funeral if you can't afford it.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: It's just like a wedding.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: I ask myself, why do people pay all this money
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: in a wedding where you can just go get married
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: and just pay for a reception.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: I just think that's the smartest thing to do.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: That'll have backyard, just have a backyard barbecue.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: That would be your best bet.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: So, like I said, you know, some of y'all don't
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: have the best relationship with your parents. And I completely
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: understand some of y'all been taking out the wheel.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: I understand. But see here's the thing.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: They go, I come to you, and they gonna say
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: to you, especially if you're the more responsible one, then
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: you're the one that's gonna have to handle everything. And
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: my response is, now, why am I doing that? Why
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: am I going to do all of that when I'm
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: out of the wheel. So it's funny how the one
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: that seemed to be the most responsible one is always
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: the one that ends up getting left out.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: It's crazy.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: But what I will say in this situation is, have
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: a much money I get from the insurance, I plan
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: to pay off the house.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: That's just it.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna pay it off that way is paid off
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: and I ain't gotta worry about it. So if I
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: refinance it, I'm actually gonna pay it off. That's just
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: if it's refinanced, I'm like, look, I just want to
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: pay off the house, but I want the house in
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: my name. So if I'm gonna pay it off, then
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: I'm putting it in my name, and then I can
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: decide what I want to do with it, and I'll
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: just stay here because then I can always travel when
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: I want to.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: I can always go what I want to.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: Me and my son can always travel things like that,
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: so it's not like and plus my son's father and I,
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: if I wanna go somewhere, then my son's father can
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: always I can always take them up there and go
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: out of town and stuff like that. So it can
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: always be worked out. But at the end of the day,
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: like I said, it's not fun when your parents are
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: someone you love pass away abruptly and you don't have
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: any insurance, any life insurance policies. Now, mind you, there
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: are people out here that will unerlive somebody for their
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: life insurance policy. That's something they will do, but that's
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: not me speaking of which I gotta call about my
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: my life insurance. Now, with some life insurances they do
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: go up, and mine went up to two undrey something.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: In fact, I need to call them about that, matter
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: of fact, because I'm not paying two hundred something dollars
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: to raise far as my stuff. So a lot of
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: stuff is going is not fixed. So please make sure
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: when you get your life insurance that it's a fixed rate.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: If it is not a fixed rate, then.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: Don't get it because it wouldn't even be worth it.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: But you definitely want to invest in burial insurance. You
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: want to make sure that your children are going to
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: be good now, mind you. You can put it into
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: a trust if you want to, which is something I
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: would do where I wouldn't give my son all of
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: the money, but I would make sure he gets it in installments.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: A money market account would be good for putting your
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: money in instead of putting in your bank account. Cause
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: let me explain why money market accounts are good because
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: you will be able to still make money off of
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: that money, and you'll be able to pull that money
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: out anytime that you need it. But if you put
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: one hundred and something fifty thousand or fifty thousand or
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: twenty thousand in a bank account, you're going to spend it.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: Why because it's sitting there.
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: Not only that. Can they tax your life insurance? Know
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: they cannot.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Can you put your insurance into a retirement plan? Yes,
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: you can do that too if you really really want to.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: It's really up to you. Some jobs have you know,
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: retirements where you're making money off the stock of it,
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: meaning you have stock, So you may have money that
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: you don't even know you have.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: So it's very important.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: That you make sure you know these things and that
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: way your your family knows. Because my dad was very secretive,
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: but a lot of things he kept a lot of
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: things from us, So there's a lot of things we
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: didn't even know. So all we know it was a
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: hard situation, excuse me, but we don't know as far
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: as what exactly it was from that part, we don't know.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: What I will say is when it comes down to
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: you know, inheritance and things like that, if it's not
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: in righting, it goes to the spouse. But now we're
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: finding out that may not, you know, be the case,
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: because if the house is not in an under an
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: ex under an executive estate, then it goes straight back
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: to the state, which means they take the house back
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: and that's it.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: You own nothing.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: He's dead, he's gone, the house is gone. So I
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: have to decide, you know, far as do I want
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: to refinance the house in my name or and the
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: interest rates right now are good in North Carolina, so
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: m I can have my my cousin helped me or
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: my home girl helped me as far as refinancing the house,
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: but I have to have income, which right now I
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: don't as far as working and my business I'm still
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: working on. So it's one of those things where if
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: I get a job within the next month or so,
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: I may refinance the house, cause that way I can
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: refinance it in my name.
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: And pay it off. Just pay it off. That'd be it.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: So pay it off and then the house is mine
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: and I can do whatever I want to with it.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: And if we can't get the executor's gate and all
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: that stuff, so I don't know, but I know that
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: there has to be a living will around here somewher,
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: cause I know he got one. I have a feeling
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: that he has something as far as power attorney. But
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: if you don't, we have to go to court and
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: we have to get that done. So we have to
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: register for that. And once we register for that, we
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: still gotta wait, which means we still gotta pay the
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: rent until we figure out the house has changed over.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: But if not, then I might go ahead and just refinanceuffs.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: But I wish she woulda done the power of attorney
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: because I did bring that up. I did bring it
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: up to him a about a month ago, right, I'm
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: running by back. It was a month before he died
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: about a power of attorney and about me taking the house,
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: and I just wish we would have done that. I
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: just wish he would have added me on to the
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: house so if anything would have happened, the house would
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: just automatically come to me. I wouldn't have to do anything.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: But he didn't do that. But it is what it is.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: But then sometimes I think he knew that he was dying.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: I think he knew so at the end of the day,
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: when it comes to you mind and your own business.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: It's important to make sure that your affairs are in order.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: Don't just think you.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: Have all this time in the world, even if you
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: in your twenties, you need to make sure you have
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: your stuff in order. So it is important to have
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: a life insurance. It's important to have something if something
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: happens that you can bury that person. Because if luckily
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: for us, the military is paying for the burial, we're
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: just paying for the funeral. Luckily it didn't cost that much.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: But still, the fact that we had that, you know,
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: that's just something we have.
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: To deal with.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: But for me, my life insurance is going into a
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: money marketing account. That's where it's going. It's going into
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: money market account. Now I might take some of it
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: and put some money into the into the account, just
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: to make sure that there's money in there, but I'm
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: not gonna put too much in there. Will I go
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: back to work so I can be able to get
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: the house. Yes, because my credit is where I can
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: get a house, and I have income every single month,
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: so that won't be an issue. It's just gonna be
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: about having a certain amount of money. So that's just
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: the thing. But I would say to anybody as a
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: healing coach. I need people to understand there are things
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: that you may not think there are anything to do
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: with healing do because again, I made all of these
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: podcasts for a reason. All of them are different, all
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: of them deal with different issues when it comes to
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: healing and recovery. And there are things I talk about
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: these on these podcasts that you may think have nothing
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: at all to do with healing and recovery, but they
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: do because when we do one on one coaching, these
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: are the things I talk about. You know, losing your mom,
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: your relationship with your mother. I talk about you and
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: how that person being gone. Because let me tell you
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: how I feel right now. All my life, I felt like,
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: I think this thing. The biggest thing for me was rejection. Okay,
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: being rejected, not being perfect, and I would self sabotage myself. Okay,
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: some of y'all gonna relate to this, and I already
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: know some of y'all gonna be like, if this wasn't me,
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: I don't know tell you, but let me get into it.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: I self sabotaged myself. Why because my dad was abusive.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: My dad was verbally and physically abusive. Nobody in my
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: family knew except my mother and maybe a few other people.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: My dad decided to knew.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: We did not have a father daughter relationship the way
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: we should have. And don't get me wrong, I respected
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: my dad, But my dad was one of those people
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: that if he gave you something and you didn't do
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: what y he wanted him to do, then you would
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: be screwed.
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: Either.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: I remember my dad got mad because my exe was
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: driving my car, told me he was gonna take my
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: car back home, so home take it and I told him
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: I would never ask him for another dime.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: And I meant that.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: My dad was one of them people that if I
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: didn't make good grades, I got slept. It was that
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: type of relationship. My dad was somebody you could not
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: tell him nothing. He argues you to the ground. But
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: then I found out that all of that came from
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: my grandmother and the way that he was raised.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: My sister never went through it.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: I did, but when my dad started yelling at her,
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: she didn't even get half of what I went through.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: And I'm telling the story because I want people to
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: understand that the importance of forgiveness for yourself and not
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: for other people. Because of what I went through, I
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: went through a lot of abusive relationships, a lot of
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: relationships where I was trying to get approval, trying to
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: be Captain Saberhoe, Bill de Bears, Bill A Dolls, sea fillers,
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: and people pleasers. That's what I was trying to be.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: What's even more crazier is I was so busy lowering
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: myself because I had post traumatic slave disorder that I
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: would let people treat me any kind of way and
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: I would just bottle it up in that like it
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: didn't exist well. It started affecting my health wellness. It
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: started from me not being able to walk, It started
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: from me not being able to drive. All of this
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: was because I was destroying myself internally, meaning that I
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: was so checked out mentally that I did not realize
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: I was not eating properly, I was not sleeping properly.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: I was not taking care of myself. I was doing
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: nothing that I wanted to do. I was doing what
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: everybody expected me to do. And so in twenty nineteen
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: that changed. I went after a sex coat. It took
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: going after a sex coat to have that epiphany, but
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: guess what, I had that epiphany, and I thank god
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: I had that epiphany. And the one thing that it did,
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: it broke the chains. But when my dad passed away,
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: it broke the final chains that were keeping me in
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: that low self esteem, low self worth, of self doubt.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: And people don't understand what self doubt does. Some of
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: us go through something where we do what's expected. We're
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: always the people pleasers, the sea fillers, the captain saber hoes,
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: the builder bearers, the build of dolls, the people pleasers.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: That is what we are, and we get used taking
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: advantage of manipulating and bamboozled. We're the ones that we
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: try to do things the right way every day and
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: it's kind of like being a burgo. I would compare
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: Beyonce for example, Beyonce is like that. Beyonce is someone
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: that's a perfectionist. But I promise you, if something happens
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: to Matthew knows, she gonna have a whole lot to
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: say about her dad because and in the end, when
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: she left her dad was probably for the same reasons,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: because she wanted to do what she wanted to do.
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: And she took that risk. I wish I would have
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: done that.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: I remember I went to my dad and told him
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: I wasn't gonna be going to college, and he told
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: me he was not gonna pay for my college tuition.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: He wasn't even gonna help me with it. I should
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: have just went ahead and went, but I didn't. Why
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: because in my mind I didn't think I was good enough.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: When my dad found that I was coaching, told me
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: I wasn't actually coaching, thought I was lying about it,
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: thought I was lying about starting a business. So every
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: time I would starting something, it's like he was always
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: in my head saying, you can't never do this. You
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: never gonna be good enough, You're never gonna be worthy.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: This is what he said to me my whole entire life.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: He never tried to uplift me. Even when I went
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: to college, I didn't get a congratulations. I didn't even
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: go to my college graduations, both of three of them,
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: because no one would come.
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: So I had to do everything on my own.
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: Even when I was in relationships, I was doing things
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: on my own. And I realized that I was in
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: relationships alone. I was never in relationships at all, including
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: my own family. I didn't have a family, So for me,
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: I have a detachment from people because of that. It's
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: part of the reason I won't let people get too close.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: To be honest, it is because I have this attachment,
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: because I think people will never accept me, they'll never
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: like me.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: Just like when I lose a job. I at first
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: that used to bother me. Now it don't.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: Now I say it's their loss, not mine. The last
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: job I lot, last two jobs I lost. I remember
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: when they told me that our last day, one of
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: them I knew was a possibility, one we didn't see coming,
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: and they told us we were gonna lose our jobs.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: My reaction was, thank you. I appreciate you letting me know.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: He said, well, you're taking this mighty will. I said,
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: how else am I supposed to take it? You're letting
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: me go. If you really wanted to keep me, you
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: werea kept me. I SAIDs long as you I know
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: I didn't lose my job cause I did something wrong,
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: then it doesn't matter. So at the end of the day,
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: why should I feel bad because you want to let
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: me go. It's fine. So at the end of the day,
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: I don't look at losing a job, or losing a spouse,
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: or losing family members or anybody as be it being
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: a loss for me, especially if I did everything that
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: was right.
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: I don't look at it, Almo.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: I look at all my relationships, family members, all of that,
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: and say I did everything that I was supposed to do.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: These people just were never my people in the first place.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: And now I don't go chasing after nothing. It's just
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: like when I went on my cruise, it wasn't even
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: about meeting people. But I met some great people, but
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: I never asked for their phone numbers, and some people
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: like you don't never know.
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: I don't cause I'll never call.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: Why Because I used to be the person that was
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: always chasing for people to love, like, appreciate, value, want me,
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: need me, for me to be a part of something,
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: to be validated, to be approved of, to be accepted,
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: for somebody to know my worth. Now I don't care.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: It's just like when I go to this funeral tomorrow.
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: I am going to this funeral as I am. I'm
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: going into this funeral not with no hair because my
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: hair is bald. I am wearing a rap on my head,
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: and I am going to the funeral rap.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: On my head. I don't feel like putting no hair
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: on my head. I don't feel like doing none of that.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: I am going as I am because when I leave
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: the funeral, that part of me that had the insecurities
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: and the doubts because my father put them there, not
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: because I had them, because he kept putting them there,
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: kept telling me I wasn't good enough. And when somebody
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: keep telling you something over and over and over again,
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: no matter how many times you keep fighting and saying, well, no,
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: that's not true, eventually you gonna start believing it because
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: you tired of fighting.
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: It's just like somebody that keeps trying to stab you
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: over and over and over and over and over.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: Again, to the point you just die. What's the same
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: thing when it comes to word of mouth. If somebody
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: every day keeps bulling you every day, eventually you're gonna
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: have Stockholm syndrome. Eventually you just gonna give up and say,
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: there's no way in the world I'm gona get out
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: of this. There's no way in the world I'm gonna
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: be able to be free at this point. That's how
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: it is when it comes to self esteeing, self worth
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: and self value. Once somebody break you an abuse or
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: any of that, you broken, and now it's like Humpty
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: Dumpty set on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: All the king's horsemen and all the kings men could
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: not put Humpty Dumpty.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: Back together again. Well, guess what that's also you. So
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: healing and recovery is about.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: Overcoming the person and the situations that push you there.
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: My father's dead.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: All of that insecurity, all of the fears, all of
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: the you being afraid of rejection is gone because I
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: don't have him saying you're not good enough, you're not worthy,
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: you're not deserving.
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: He's not here no more. I don't have that in
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: my head no more. Me and my aunt had.
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: An argument about the obituary, and she kept asking me
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: questions like she was gonna do it, so I was
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: on there something she was gonna do it, so I
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: didn't do it.
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: Got mad at me, told me I was at the money.
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: I said, first of all, I never asked my dad
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: for nothing, never asked him for a dime, never since
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: I've been adult, never asked him for nothing nothing. I
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: paid back my debt to my dad. My dad can't
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: never say not paying him back his money. Just like
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: I got upset without at the funeral and walked from
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: the funeral home. All the way to McDonald's. So at
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: the end of the day, like I said, that part
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: of me is dead, that part of.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: Me being post traumatic slave disorder, that part of me
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: wanting to be love alike, to appreciate the value, to
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: want it needed to be a part of signing, to
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: be validated, to be approved, that to be accepted is gone.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: That captain save a whole bill, a bear bill, dog seat,
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: filling in people place. It's gone.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: That worrying about whether somebody reject me or not is gone.
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: I came here. I lost my job January ninth. January ninth,
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: I lost my job, and that was like the hardest
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: thing in the world to do. But I wasn't even
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: up said about it.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: Came here, had just enough and I was a hundred
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: and thirty four dollars in the hole.
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: Didn't I know if I canna get my tax? Guess what?
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: The tax came in right on time, came on the clutch,
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: told them, went to talk to the to the leasing people.
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: Told in my situation, didn't I think they were gonna
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: let me out the least that I had just signed
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: they let me out A last I gotta pay to
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: have movers move my stuff. But guess what it's gonna
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: get done? Why because it is? Am I worried about
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: the two thousand?
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: No?
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: Why because that money will come back once I move here.
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: Why because I won't have that many bills to pay
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: and I won't be doing it by myself.
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: So I'll be fine.
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: I can take time off for one two, I can
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: take six months off for want two.
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: I can travel for want two.
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: But I am not using that assurance money to buy
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: unnecessary things.
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: No.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: But what I am gonna use that money for is
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: number one, to build a business and the brand.
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: Number two, I'm.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: Gonna take that money and to put it in a
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: money marketing account. Number three, I'm gonna get my baby's
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: new clothes because he needs new clothes, and pay his
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: stuff up for the whole entire year, and be good
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: and travel. That's it, travel because I no longer want
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: to work for nobody, no more, and now I have
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: the money to do so, So I'm not taking my
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: money and go on. I'm buying some big, gigantic house
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: and buying all these cars.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: I don't even need all this stuff.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: But what I am gonna do is build something to
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: help children with special needs. What I am gonna do
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: is do something that can give these kids programs while
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: I'm here giving these kids something to do. Invest my
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: money in something where I get a return. That's one
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: thing my dad did teach me. So I'm in this
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: my saying this. When the person who caused your pain,
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: who caused you the greatest hurt, is no longer on
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: this earth, that part of you that was in your
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: head died with them. So when he passed away, that
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: part of me that wasn't good enough, that part of
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: me that wasn't worthy, that part of me that wasn't deserving,
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: that part of me that he said I would never
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: get married, is gone. Cause he's gone doesn't mean I
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: don't love him, doesn't mean I don't respect him. But
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: that father daughter relationship was never there from day one,
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: and I'm okay with that. But at the end of
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: the day, the one thing i'm'a do is pay off
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: my credit card. That that's gonna get paid off so
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: I can still use it and get my my credit up.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: So I'll use it while I'm.
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: On vacation, because if I go on cruises, they they
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: want you to use a credit card.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: So i'm'a use it for that.
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: So, like I said, once the house is paid off,
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: that money will come back a thousand times old. So
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: this week I took some I'm taking time to just be.
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: So when I came back from the cruise, I just
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: took some time to be. But I wasn't expecting that
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: they're taking time to be was preparing me for me
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: losing my dad. See, sometimes things prepare you for things
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: that you don't even think are gonna happen, or you
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: have no idea what's gonna happen. Because when this funeral
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: is over, it is back to business. It isn't writing
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: a book, building courses, doing motivational speaking events getting paid
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: for it. It is about this podcast and these conversations.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: I have one that I'm gonna put on this all
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: of my podcasts, and it's about a man that has
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: down syndrome. And I'm about to create another podcast that's
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: strictly for people with special needs and rating and raising
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: children with special needs. That's the next one I'm gonna do.
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: I wasn't sure if I was gonna do it, but
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: I said, you know what, let's go ahead and do it.
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: All the things that I was so afraid of, I'm
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: now going to do. I'm gonna make a list of
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: all the things that I've always wanted to do, and
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: I'm going to do it. At fifty one, going on
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: fifty two. I am going to greet So, I'm going
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: to Thailand. I'm going to Vietnam. I am going to Japan.
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: I'm going to Tokyo. I'm going to all the places
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: that I said I was gonna go, but I ain't
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: going in to Mexico. Now, for those of y'all going
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: to Mexico, please don't go, because there's something going on
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: in that situation. And we will be talking about Mexico
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: in the next episode and why people need to stop
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: trying to walk into something when there's plenty of signs
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: telling you that you should. So if it's something that
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: you're not meant to be or do, don't. There's a reason.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, made my father
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: rest in peace. I love your dad. Even though we
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: didn't have the best relationship, I respected you as a man.
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: You were a man that was very giving and very
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: loving in your own way, and I miss you always.
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: And you're up there with my grandma and my family
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: members with their arms open wide welcoming you to heaven
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: or wherever people go when they die. But that band said,
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: I thank you guys for joining me for this episode.
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, Scott Osha, Maryama. Thank you guys for
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: listening until next week, by y'all. Oh, one more thing.
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: If I'm not back next Monday, that is because there's
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: a lot of stuff going on after the funeral. But
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: I will try to do my podcast next week. I
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: just want to make sure I put that out there.
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: If not, I will be back the following week. With
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: that being said, I'll see you guys that bye.