Latest / The H. G. Wells Library / The Country of the Blind and Other Stories - The Truth about Pyecraft
Transcript
- 0:00Speaker 1: Section twenty eight of the Country of the Blind and
- 0:03Speaker 1: Other Stories by H. G. Wells. This LibriVox recording is
- 0:07Speaker 1: in the public domain. Read by Peter Yearsley, The Truth
- 0:11Speaker 1: about Pyecraft. He sits not a dozen yards away. If
- 0:16Speaker 1: I glance over my shoulder, I can see him, and
- 0:19Speaker 1: if I catch his ire, and usually I catch his ire,
- 0:23Speaker 1: it meets me with an expression. It is mainly an
- 0:27Speaker 1: imploring look, and yet with suspicion in it. Confound his suspicion.
- 0:32Speaker 1: If I wanted to tell on him, I should have
- 0:34Speaker 1: told long ago I don't tell, and I don't tell.
- 0:37Speaker 1: And he ought to feel at his ease, as if
- 0:41Speaker 1: anything so gross and fat as he could feel at ease?
- 0:45Speaker 1: Who would believe me? If I did tell Poor old Piecraft,
- 0:49Speaker 1: great uneasy jelly of substance, the fattest club man in London.
- 0:55Speaker 1: He sits at one of the little club tables in
- 0:57Speaker 1: the huge bay by the fire stuff. What is he stuffing?
- 1:02Speaker 1: I glanced judiciously and capt him biting at a round
- 1:05Speaker 1: of hot buttered tea cake, with his eyes on me.
- 1:09Speaker 1: Confound him with his eyes on me. That settles it,
- 1:13Speaker 1: pi Craft. Since you will be abject, Since you will
- 1:17Speaker 1: behave as though I was not a man of honor.
- 1:20Speaker 1: Here write, under your embedded eyes, I write the thing down,
- 1:25Speaker 1: a plain truth about pie Craft. The man I helped,
- 1:30Speaker 1: the man I shielded, and who has requited me by
- 1:33Speaker 1: making my club unendurable, absolutely unendurable, with his liquid appeal,
- 1:40Speaker 1: with the perpetual don't tell of his looks. And besides,
- 1:45Speaker 1: why does he keep on eternally eating? Well, here goes
- 1:50Speaker 1: for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the
- 1:54Speaker 1: truth pie Craft. I made the acquaintance of Piecraft in
- 1:58Speaker 1: this very smoking I was a young, nervous new member,
- 2:03Speaker 1: and he saw it. I was sitting all alone, wishing
- 2:07Speaker 1: I knew more of the members. And suddenly he came
- 2:10Speaker 1: a great rolling front of chins and abdomina towards me,
- 2:15Speaker 1: and grunted and sat down in a chair close by me,
- 2:19Speaker 1: and wheezed for a space and scraped for a space
- 2:22Speaker 1: with a match, and lit a cigar and then addressed me.
- 2:26Speaker 1: I forget what he said, something about the matches not
- 2:29Speaker 1: lighting properly. And afterwards, as he talked, he kept stopping
- 2:33Speaker 1: the waiters one by one as they went by and
- 2:36Speaker 1: telling them about the matches. In that thin fluty voice
- 2:40Speaker 1: he has. But anyhow it was in some such way
- 2:43Speaker 1: we began our talking. He talked about various things and
- 2:47Speaker 1: came round to games, and thence to my figure and complexion.
- 2:52Speaker 1: You ought to be a good cricketer, he said. I
- 2:54Speaker 1: suppose I am slender, slender to what some people would
- 2:58Speaker 1: call lean, and I suppose I am rather dark. Still,
- 3:01Speaker 1: I'm not ashamed of having a Hindu great grandmother, but
- 3:05Speaker 1: for all that, I don't want casual strangers to see
- 3:08Speaker 1: through me at a glance to her. So that I
- 3:11Speaker 1: was set against Pyecraft from the beginning. But he only
- 3:14Speaker 1: talked about me in order to get to himself, I expect,
- 3:19Speaker 1: He said, you take no more exercise than I do,
- 3:22Speaker 1: and probably you eat no less like all excessively obest people.
- 3:27Speaker 1: He fancied, he ate nothing yet, and he smiled an
- 3:32Speaker 1: oblique smile. We differ, And then he began to talk
- 3:36Speaker 1: about his fatness and his fatness, all he did for
- 3:41Speaker 1: his fatness, and all he was going to do for
- 3:43Speaker 1: his fatness, what people had advised him to do for
- 3:47Speaker 1: his fatness, and what he had heard of people doing
- 3:50Speaker 1: for fatness similar to his a priori. He said, one
- 3:55Speaker 1: would think a question of nutrition could be answered by
- 3:58Speaker 1: dietary and a question of assimilation by drugs. It was stifling,
- 4:04Speaker 1: It was dumpling talk. It made me feel swelled to
- 4:08Speaker 1: hear him. One stands that sort of thing once in
- 4:11Speaker 1: a way at a club. But a time came when
- 4:15Speaker 1: I fancied I was standing too much. He took to
- 4:18Speaker 1: me altogether too conspicuously. I could never go into the
- 4:21Speaker 1: smoking room, but he would come wallowing towards me, And
- 4:26Speaker 1: sometimes he came and gormandized round and about me while
- 4:29Speaker 1: I had my lunch. He seemed at times almost to
- 4:32Speaker 1: be clinging to me. He was a bore, but not
- 4:37Speaker 1: so fearful a bore as to be limited to me.
- 4:39Speaker 1: And from the first there was something in his manner,
- 4:43Speaker 1: almost as though he knew, almost as though he penetrated
- 4:46Speaker 1: to the fact that I might, that there was a remote,
- 4:50Speaker 1: exceptional chance in me that no one else presented. I'd
- 4:54Speaker 1: give anything to get it down. He would say anything,
- 4:58Speaker 1: and peer at me over his vast cheeks and pant,
- 5:02Speaker 1: poor old pyecraft. He has just gonged, no doubt, to
- 5:06Speaker 1: order another buttered tea cache. He came to the actual
- 5:10Speaker 1: thing one day. Our farmer copier. He said, our western
- 5:14Speaker 1: farmer copier is anything but the last word of medical
- 5:18Speaker 1: science in the East, I've been told. He stopped and
- 5:22Speaker 1: stared at me. It was like being at an aquarium.
- 5:25Speaker 1: I was quite suddenly angry with him. Look here, I said,
- 5:29Speaker 1: who told you about my great grandmother's recipes? Well, he fenced.
- 5:34Speaker 1: Every time we've met for a week, I said, and
- 5:37Speaker 1: we've met pretty often, you've given me a broad hint
- 5:40Speaker 1: or so about that little secret of mine. Well, he said,
- 5:44Speaker 1: now the cat's out of the bag. I'll admit, yes,
- 5:47Speaker 1: it is so. I had it from Pattison indirectly, he said,
- 5:52Speaker 1: which I believe was lying. Yes, Pattison, I said, took
- 5:57Speaker 1: that stuff at his own risk. He pursed his mouth
- 6:00Speaker 1: and bowed. My great grandmother's recipes, I said, are queer
- 6:06Speaker 1: things to handle. My father was near making me promise.
- 6:09Speaker 1: He didn't no, but he warned me he himself used
- 6:13Speaker 1: one once. Ah, But do you think suppose suppose that
- 6:18Speaker 1: did happen to be one? The things are curious documents,
- 6:22Speaker 1: I said, even the smell of em. No. But after
- 6:25Speaker 1: going so far, Pyecraft was resolved, I should go farther.
- 6:29Speaker 1: I was always a little afraid if I tried his
- 6:32Speaker 1: patience too much, he would fall on me suddenly and
- 6:35Speaker 1: smother me. I own I was weak, but I was
- 6:38Speaker 1: also annoyed with Pyecraft. I had got to that state
- 6:42Speaker 1: of feeling for him that disposed me to say, well,
- 6:46Speaker 1: take the risk. The little affair of Patterson to which
- 6:49Speaker 1: I have alluded was a different matter altogether. What it
- 6:53Speaker 1: was doesn't concern us now. But I knew anyhow that
- 6:56Speaker 1: the particular recipe I used then was safe. The rest
- 7:00Speaker 1: I didn't know so much about, and on the whole
- 7:03Speaker 1: I was inclined to doubt their safety pretty completely. Yes,
- 7:07Speaker 1: even if Pyecraft got poisoned, I must confess the poisoning
- 7:12Speaker 1: of Piecraft struck me as an immense undertaking. That evening,
- 7:17Speaker 1: I took that queer odd scented sandalwood box out of
- 7:21Speaker 1: my safe and turned the rustling skins over. The gentleman
- 7:25Speaker 1: who wrote the recipes for my great grandmother evidently had
- 7:29Speaker 1: a weakness for skins of a miscellaneous origin, and his
- 7:32Speaker 1: handwriting was cramped to the last degree. Some of the
- 7:36Speaker 1: things are quite unreadable to me, though my family, with
- 7:39Speaker 1: its Indian Civil service associations, has kept up a knowledge
- 7:44Speaker 1: of Hindustani from generation to generation, and none are absolutely
- 7:48Speaker 1: plain sailing. But I found the one that I knew
- 7:51Speaker 1: was there soon enough, and sat on the floor by
- 7:54Speaker 1: my safe for some time looking at it. Look here,
- 7:57Speaker 1: said I to Piecraft next day, and snatched the slip
- 8:00Speaker 1: away from his eager grasp. So far as I can
- 8:03Speaker 1: make it out, this is a recipe for loss of weight, ah,
- 8:07Speaker 1: said Pyecraft. I'm not absolutely sure, but I think it's that.
- 8:11Speaker 1: And if you take my advice, you'll leave it alone,
- 8:14Speaker 1: because you know I blacken my blood in your interest, Pyecraft.
- 8:19Speaker 1: My ancestors on that side were so far as I
- 8:22Speaker 1: can gather a jolly queer lot, see, let me try it,
- 8:26Speaker 1: said Pyecraft. I leant back in my chair. My imagination
- 8:31Speaker 1: made one mighty effort and fell flat within me. What
- 8:34Speaker 1: in Heaven's name, by Craft, I asked, do you think
- 8:37Speaker 1: you'll look like when you get thin? He was impervious
- 8:41Speaker 1: to reason. I made him promise never to say a
- 8:44Speaker 1: word to me about his disgusting fatness again. Whatever happened never,
- 8:49Speaker 1: And then I handed him that little piece of skin.
- 8:52Speaker 1: It's nasty stuff, I said, no matter, he said, and
- 8:56Speaker 1: took it He goggled at it, but he said he
- 9:01Speaker 1: had just discovered that it wasn't English. To the best
- 9:05Speaker 1: of my ability, I said, I will do you a translation.
- 9:09Speaker 1: I did my best. After that, we didn't speak for
- 9:13Speaker 1: a fortnight. Whenever he approached me, I frowned and motioned
- 9:17Speaker 1: him away, and he respected our compact. But at the
- 9:20Speaker 1: end of the fortnight he was as fat as ever,
- 9:24Speaker 1: and then he got a word in I must speak.
- 9:27Speaker 1: He said, it isn't fair. There's something wrong. It's done
- 9:31Speaker 1: me no good. You're not doing your great grandmother justice.
- 9:35Speaker 1: Where's the recipe? He produced it gingerly from his pocket book.
- 9:39Speaker 1: I ran my eye over the items. Was the egg addled?
- 9:43Speaker 1: I asked, No, ought it to have been that? I said,
- 9:47Speaker 1: goes without saying. In all my poor dear great grandmother's recipes,
- 9:53Speaker 1: when condition or quality is not specified, you must get
- 9:57Speaker 1: the worst. She was drastic or nothing. And there's one
- 10:01Speaker 1: or two possible alternatives to some of these other things.
- 10:05Speaker 1: You got fresh rattlesnake venom. I got a rattlesnake from
- 10:09Speaker 1: jam Racks. It cost it cost. That's your affair. Anyhow,
- 10:14Speaker 1: this last item, I know a man who yes, um, well,
- 10:20Speaker 1: I'll write the alternatives down so far as I know
- 10:22Speaker 1: the language. The spelling of this recipe is particularly atrocious.
- 10:26Speaker 1: By the by dog here probably means pariah dog. For
- 10:31Speaker 1: a month after that, I saw Pyecraft constantly at the club,
- 10:35Speaker 1: and as fat and anxious as ever. He kept our treaty,
- 10:38Speaker 1: but at times he broke the spirit of it by
- 10:41Speaker 1: shaking his head despondently. Then one day in the cloak room,
- 10:45Speaker 1: he said, your great grandmother, not a word against her,
- 10:49Speaker 1: I said, and he held his peace. I could have
- 10:53Speaker 1: fancied he had desisted. And I saw him one day
- 10:56Speaker 1: talking to three new members about his fatness, as though
- 11:00Speaker 1: he was in search of other recipes. And then quite unexpectedly,
- 11:04Speaker 1: his telegram came. Mister Formelyn bawled a page boy under
- 11:09Speaker 1: my nose, and I took the telegram and opened it
- 11:11Speaker 1: at once. For Heaven's sake, come Pyecraft, hum said I.
- 11:17Speaker 1: And to tell the truth, I was so pleased at
- 11:21Speaker 1: the rehabilitation of my great grandmother's reputation. This evidently promised
- 11:27Speaker 1: that I made a most excellent lunch. I got Pyecraft's
- 11:30Speaker 1: address from the hall. Porter Piecraft inhabited the upper half
- 11:34Speaker 1: of a house in Bloomsbury, and I went there so
- 11:37Speaker 1: soon as I had done my coffee and trappistine. I
- 11:40Speaker 1: did not wait to finish my cigar, mister Pyecraft, said
- 11:44Speaker 1: I at the front door. They believed he was ill.
- 11:47Speaker 1: He hadn't been out for two days. He expects me,
- 11:50Speaker 1: said I. As they sent me up, I rang the
- 11:53Speaker 1: bell at the lattice door upon the landing. He shouldn't
- 11:56Speaker 1: have tried it, anyhow, I said to myself. A man
- 11:59Speaker 1: who eats, it's like a pig ought to look like
- 12:01Speaker 1: a pig. An obviously worthy woman with an anxious face
- 12:06Speaker 1: and a carelessly placed cap came and surveyed me through
- 12:10Speaker 1: the lattice. I gave my name, and she let me
- 12:13Speaker 1: in in a dubious fashion, well, said I. As we
- 12:17Speaker 1: stood together inside Pyecraft's piece of the landing, he said
- 12:21Speaker 1: you was to come in if you came, she said,
- 12:24Speaker 1: and regarded me, begging no motion to show me anywhere,
- 12:27Speaker 1: And then confidentially, he's locked in, sir, locked in, locked
- 12:31Speaker 1: himself in yesterday morning, and hasn't let anyone in since, sir,
- 12:35Speaker 1: and ever and again, swearing, oh my, I stared at
- 12:40Speaker 1: the door. She indicated by her glances in there. I said, yes, sir,
- 12:44Speaker 1: what's up? She shook her head sadly. He keeps on
- 12:47Speaker 1: calling for vittle, sir, evy vittles he wants. I get
- 12:51Speaker 1: him what I can Porky's ad suet. Put in sausages,
- 12:55Speaker 1: new bread, everything like that. Left outside, if you please,
- 12:59Speaker 1: and me go. His eating says something awful. There came
- 13:03Speaker 1: a piping ball from inside the door. That fore, Molynn,
- 13:07Speaker 1: that you pie Craft. I shouted and went and banged
- 13:09Speaker 1: the door. Tell her to go away. I did. Then
- 13:14Speaker 1: I could hear a curious pattering upon the door, almost
- 13:17Speaker 1: like some one feeling for the handle in the dark,
- 13:20Speaker 1: and Piecraft's familiar grunts. It's all right, I said, she's gone.
- 13:26Speaker 1: But for a long time the door didn't open. I
- 13:28Speaker 1: heard the key turn. Then Pyecraft's voice said, come in.
- 13:33Speaker 1: I turned the handle and opened the door. Naturally, I
- 13:35Speaker 1: expected to see Piecraft. Well you know, he wasn't there.
- 13:40Speaker 1: I never had such a shock in my life. There
- 13:43Speaker 1: was his sitting room in a state of untidy disorder,
- 13:46Speaker 1: plates and dishes among the books and writing things, and
- 13:49Speaker 1: several chairs overturned. But pie Craft, it's all right, old man.
- 13:53Speaker 1: Shut the door, he said, And then I discovered him there.
- 13:57Speaker 1: He was right up close to the cornice in the
- 14:00Speaker 1: corner by the door, as though some one had glued
- 14:02Speaker 1: him to the ceiling. His face was anxious and angry.
- 14:05Speaker 1: He panted and gesticulated. Shut the door, he said, if
- 14:09Speaker 1: that woman gets hold of it. I shut the door
- 14:12Speaker 1: and went and stood away from him and stared. If
- 14:15Speaker 1: anything gives way and you tumble down, I said, you'll
- 14:18Speaker 1: break your neck. Bi cruft, I wish I could, He wheezed,
- 14:22Speaker 1: a man of your agent. Wait getting up to kiddish gymnastics,
- 14:26Speaker 1: don't he said, and looked agonized. I'll tell you, he said,
- 14:30Speaker 1: and gesticulated how the deuce said, I are you holding
- 14:34Speaker 1: on up there? And then abruptly I realized that he
- 14:37Speaker 1: was not holding on at all, that he was floating
- 14:40Speaker 1: up there, just as a gas filled bladder might have
- 14:43Speaker 1: floated in the same position. He began a struggle to
- 14:46Speaker 1: thrust himself away from the ceiling and to clamber down
- 14:49Speaker 1: the wall. To me, it's that prescription, he panted. As
- 14:52Speaker 1: he did so, your great scran He took hold of
- 14:56Speaker 1: a framed engraving rather carelessly as he spoke, and it
- 14:59Speaker 1: gave way, and he flew back up to the ceiling again,
- 15:02Speaker 1: while the picture smashed onto the sofa. Bumpy went against
- 15:06Speaker 1: the ceiling, and I knew then why he was all
- 15:08Speaker 1: over white on the more salient curves and angles of
- 15:12Speaker 1: his person. He tried again, more carefully, coming down by
- 15:15Speaker 1: way of the mantle. It was really a most extraordinary spectacle,
- 15:19Speaker 1: that great fat, apoplectic looking man upside down and trying
- 15:24Speaker 1: to get from the ceiling to the floor. That prescription,
- 15:27Speaker 1: he said, too successful. How loss of weight almost complete?
- 15:33Speaker 1: And then, of course I understood by jove, Pyecraft said
- 15:38Speaker 1: I what you wanted was a cure for fatness, but
- 15:41Speaker 1: you always called it weight. You would call it weight somehow.
- 15:46Speaker 1: I was extremely delighted. I quite liked Piecraft for the time.
- 15:51Speaker 1: Let me help you, I said, and took his hand
- 15:54Speaker 1: and pulled him down. He kicked about, trying to get
- 15:56Speaker 1: foothold somewhere. It was very like holding a flag a
- 16:00Speaker 1: windy day. That's table, he said, pointing, is solid mahogany
- 16:05Speaker 1: and very heavy. If you can put me under that
- 16:08Speaker 1: I did, and there he wallowed about like a captive balloon,
- 16:12Speaker 1: while I stood on his hearth rug and talked to him.
- 16:14Speaker 1: I lit a cigar, Tell me, I said, what happened?
- 16:18Speaker 1: I took it? He said, how did it taste? Oh? Beastly?
- 16:24Speaker 1: I should fancy they all did. Whether one regards the ingredients,
- 16:28Speaker 1: or the probable compound or the possible results. Almost all
- 16:32Speaker 1: my great grandmother's remedies appear to me, at least to
- 16:36Speaker 1: be extraordinarily uninviting. For my own part, I took a
- 16:41Speaker 1: little sip first, yes, and as I felt lighter and
- 16:46Speaker 1: better after an hour, I decided to take the draft,
- 16:50Speaker 1: My dear pike Craft. I held my nose, he explained,
- 16:53Speaker 1: and then I kept on getting lighter and lighter and helpless,
- 16:57Speaker 1: you know. He gave way suddenly to a bus passion.
- 17:01Speaker 1: What the goodness am I to do? He said? There's
- 17:04Speaker 1: one thing pretty evident. I said that you mustn't do.
- 17:07Speaker 1: If you go out of doors, you'll go up and up.
- 17:10Speaker 1: I waved an arm upward. They'd have to send Santas
- 17:13Speaker 1: Dumont after you to bring you down again. I suppose
- 17:16Speaker 1: it will wear off. I shook my head. I don't
- 17:20Speaker 1: think you can count on that, I said, And then
- 17:22Speaker 1: there was another burst of passion, and he kicked out
- 17:24Speaker 1: at adjacent chairs and banged the floor. He behaved just
- 17:28Speaker 1: as I should have expected a great, fat, self indulgent
- 17:32Speaker 1: man to behave under trying circumstances, that is to say,
- 17:36Speaker 1: very badly. He spoke of me and of my great
- 17:39Speaker 1: grandmother with an utter want of discretion. I never asked
- 17:43Speaker 1: you to take the stuff, I said, and generously, disregarding
- 17:47Speaker 1: the insults he was putting upon me, I sat down
- 17:50Speaker 1: in his arm chair and began to talk to him
- 17:52Speaker 1: in a sober, friendly fashion. I pointed out to him
- 17:55Speaker 1: that this was a trouble he had brought upon himself,
- 17:59Speaker 1: and that it had almost an air of poetical justice.
- 18:03Speaker 1: He had eaten too much. This he disputed, and for
- 18:07Speaker 1: a time we argued the point he became noisy and violent.
- 18:11Speaker 1: So I desisted from this aspect of his lesson, and
- 18:14Speaker 1: then said, I, you committed the sin of euphuism. You
- 18:19Speaker 1: called it not fat, which is just and inglorious. But
- 18:24Speaker 1: wait you He interrupted to say that he recognized all that.
- 18:29Speaker 1: What was he to do? I suggested he should adapt
- 18:33Speaker 1: himself to his new conditions. So we came to the
- 18:36Speaker 1: really sensible part of the business. I suggested that it
- 18:40Speaker 1: would not be difficult for him to learn to walk
- 18:42Speaker 1: about on the ceiling with his hands. I can't sleep,
- 18:45Speaker 1: he said, But that was no great difficulty. It was
- 18:49Speaker 1: quite possible, I pointed out, to make a shake up
- 18:52Speaker 1: under a wire mattress, fasten the under things on with tapes,
- 18:56Speaker 1: and have a blanket sheet and cover it to button
- 18:59Speaker 1: at the side. He would have to confide in his housekeeper,
- 19:02Speaker 1: I said, and after some squabbling he agreed to that. Afterwards,
- 19:07Speaker 1: it was quite delightful to see the beautifully matter of
- 19:10Speaker 1: fact way with which the good lady took all these
- 19:13Speaker 1: amazing inversions. He could have a library ladder in his room,
- 19:17Speaker 1: and all his meals could be laid on the top
- 19:19Speaker 1: of his bookcase. We also hit on an ingenious device
- 19:23Speaker 1: by which he could get to the floor whenever he wanted,
- 19:26Speaker 1: which was simply to put the British Encyclopedia tenth edition
- 19:31Speaker 1: on the top of his open shelves. He just pulled
- 19:33Speaker 1: out a couple of volumes and held on and down
- 19:36Speaker 1: he came. And we agreed that there must be iron
- 19:39Speaker 1: staples along the skirting, so that he could cling to
- 19:42Speaker 1: those whenever he wanted to get about the room on
- 19:45Speaker 1: the lower level. As we got on with the thing,
- 19:48Speaker 1: I found myself almost keenly interested. It was I who
- 19:52Speaker 1: called in the housekeeper and broke matters to her, and
- 19:55Speaker 1: it was I chiefly who fixed up the inverted bed.
- 19:58Speaker 1: In fact, I spent two whole days at his flat.
- 20:02Speaker 1: I have a handy, interfering sort of man with a screwdriver,
- 20:06Speaker 1: and I made all sorts of ingenious adaptations for him.
- 20:09Speaker 1: Ran a wire to bring his bells within reach, turned
- 20:12Speaker 1: all his electric lights up instead of down, and so on.
- 20:16Speaker 1: The whole affair was extremely curious and interesting to me,
- 20:19Speaker 1: and it was delightful to think of Piecraft like some
- 20:22Speaker 1: great fat blow fly, crawling about on his ceiling and
- 20:26Speaker 1: clambering around the lintel of his doors from one room
- 20:29Speaker 1: to another, and never, never, never coming to the club anymore.
- 20:35Speaker 1: Then you know, my fatal ingenuity got the better of me.
- 20:39Speaker 1: I was sitting by his fire, drinking his whisky, and
- 20:42Speaker 1: he was up in his favorite corner by the cornice,
- 20:45Speaker 1: tacking a turkey carpet to the ceiling. When the idea
- 20:48Speaker 1: struck me. By jove, Piecraft, I said, all this is
- 20:52Speaker 1: totally unnecessary. And before I could calculate the complete consequences
- 20:57Speaker 1: of my notion, I blurted it out lead underclothing, said I,
- 21:02Speaker 1: and the mischief was done. Piecraft received the thing, almost
- 21:06Speaker 1: in tears. To be right ways up again, he said.
- 21:11Speaker 1: I gave him the whole secret before I saw where
- 21:14Speaker 1: it would take me. Buy sheet lead, I said, Stamp
- 21:18Speaker 1: it into disks, sew em all over your underclothes until
- 21:21Speaker 1: you have enough. Have lead sold boots, carry a bag
- 21:25Speaker 1: of solid lead, and the thing is done. Instead of
- 21:28Speaker 1: being a prisoner here, you may go abroad again, Piecraft,
- 21:31Speaker 1: you may travel A still happier idea came to me.
- 21:35Speaker 1: You need never fear a shipwreck. All you need do
- 21:38Speaker 1: is just slip off some or all of your clothes,
- 21:41Speaker 1: take the necessary amount of luggage in your hand, and
- 21:44Speaker 1: float up in the air. In his emotion, he dropped
- 21:47Speaker 1: the tack hammer within an ace of my head. By jove,
- 21:51Speaker 1: he said, I shall be able to come back to
- 21:53Speaker 1: the club again. The thing pulled me up short. By jove,
- 21:58Speaker 1: I said, faintly, yes, of course you will. He did.
- 22:04Speaker 1: He does. There. He sits behind me now, stuffing as
- 22:09Speaker 1: I live, a third go of buttered tea cake, And
- 22:14Speaker 1: no one in the whole world knows except his housekeeper,
- 22:17Speaker 1: and me that he weighs practically nothing, that he is
- 22:20Speaker 1: a mere boring mass of assimulatory matter, mere clouds in clothing.
- 22:27Speaker 1: Niente nephas the most inconsiderable of men. There he sits
- 22:33Speaker 1: watching until I have done this writing. Then if he can,
- 22:37Speaker 1: he will waylay me. He will come blowing up to me.
- 22:41Speaker 1: He will tell me over again all about it, how
- 22:45Speaker 1: it feels, how it doesn't feel, how he sometimes hope
- 22:50Speaker 1: it is passing off a little. And always somewhere in
- 22:54Speaker 1: that fat, abundant discourse he will say, the secret's keeping, Eh,
- 22:59Speaker 1: if anyone knew it, I should be so ashamed. Makes
- 23:02Speaker 1: a fellow look such a fool, you know, crawling about
- 23:05Speaker 1: on a ceiling and all that. And now to elude Pyecraft,
- 23:10Speaker 1: occupying as he does, an admirable strategic position between me
- 23:14Speaker 1: and the door. End of Section twenty eight