Latest / Complex Kids, Simple Solutions / Dr. Cara Caturia- Empowering Teens, Empowering Families Episode 56
Transcript
- Michelle Choairy: Hello everyone, welcome back to Complex Kids Simple Solutions. Today I am excited because we have Dr. Carla Katuria and I was telling her how I love her name because it's my sister's name. welcome Dr. Carla. How are you? Welcome to Complex Kids Simple Solutions, the podcast for parents raising complex and neurodivergent kids who are doing their best in systems that don't always make things easy. I'm Michelle Shoeidi, founder of Special Education Concierge, a mom to a complex kid, a speaker, and an advocate. This space isn't about perfection. It's about real life, the hard days, the small wins. you go, take a deep breath. You have to solve everything today. ⁓ You have to have it all figured out. If this helped you feel seen, ⁓ grounded, or a less ⁓ make sure you're so you don't miss future conversations. And if you ever a deeper support, Dr. Carla Caturia: Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, you're just she's got an amazing name. Just you know, wanted to let you know. Yeah. Yeah, happy to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Michelle Choairy: Of course. Of course she does. Of course she does. Well, welcome. Yeah. So talk to us. What have you been up to? there's reason why I have you on the show. So we're gonna get to that. But tell us what you do, where you come from, what's going on. The moments where you wonder if you're doing enough, and the moments where you realize you are. we talk honestly, ⁓ practical insight, and ⁓ what overwhelming. One conversation a time, you are your hero. Special Education Concierge is here when you're ready. step at a time. One at a time. You are child's hero. I'll see you next time. Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. Yeah, so I'm from originally from Connecticut. So I did about a decade of being an educator in Connecticut, middle school and high school, principal and teacher, then came to Florida and did another decade as a as a principal. And yeah, I'm currently out education working on my business, where I support families of that are high achieving Parents that are know, great families, but you know, maybe disconnected ⁓ just work on building their confidence, their helping them live in a powerful state at their peak performance and helping families just strengthen their connection. So ⁓ kind of shifted the more academia role to a more supportive coaching role recently. Yeah. Yeah. ⁓ Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Well, we like a good coach, right? I I I had I've had to I I think that it's not even a coach, it's somebody who can help us kind of pull it together. And maybe that is the name that we came up with ⁓ a coach, instructor, teacher, it is, but but whatever you can pull, ⁓ you have these things in your head, but you need to pull it together. Dr. Carla Caturia: Ha ha ha Michelle Choairy: Having somebody that can help you move along, I think it's very important. So thank you for what you do. yeah, so that's a long time in education though, to then leave. So talk to us how that was, like how ⁓ brought that on for you how that changed. Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it. Mm, ⁓ Yeah. I think I think like any life change is really scary for a while and then it just becomes like necessary and this is what I have to do. So I think you go through that shift of you go from fear to then either something pushes you, whether p pleasure or plain pain, you're running away from something, you're moving towards something, right? I think it was just an overarching theme of I want to support families and teens and I want to help them. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Dr. Carla Caturia: Dig down to the root causes of why they were experiencing such pressure, overwhelm, lack of confidence, self-esteem, those kind of things. And getting down to the root of the problem really just wasn't possible in the position that I was in. so that's when I decided, like you said, to become a coach. And I had a lot of resistance around that because everybody's a coach. Every, you know, everybody posts everything on social media and they're a coach. I was like, ugh, I don't want to lumped in that. Michelle Choairy: Hmm. Dr. Carla Caturia: group of people that just decide one day they're gonna become a coach. But ⁓ I have, you know, but I was like, okay, you have 20 years experience, you have a doctorate, you have all this, y you are legitimate. You have to kind of tell yourself, you know, because it's it's a it's a big jump in you have the you know, it's like it's a big jump leaving something that you know and are comfortable with. so ⁓ it took it took me a minute. And but yeah, best thing I ever did. Yeah. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah. And how's that going? How's how's the new the coaching going? Dr. Carla Caturia: Best best thing I ever did. I've been doing it for a few years now. ⁓ great. I have fantastic clients. we do really see transform. And that's that's the thing is you know, supporting them through whatever they might be going through. And some of them aren't even going through anything. It's just they want to get to the next level. And how do we support to to help them get there? So it's been fantastic. Absolutely. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, you know, when we think when think of complex kids, right, and mine is, know, he has a genetic disorder and some of us we really think of the kids are in special education we're looking at the kids who are, you know, they are have some kind of you know, disability. But we don't think of the teenagers and the kids who just have anxiety or they just have ADHD and how they are actually like functionally, they can't even function most of the time because they don't even know where to go. And maybe this is what little bit of what you're talking about is that anxiety. It's the where do I go from here? What do I do? And really kind of bringing them together ⁓ Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm. Mm. Michelle Choairy: Giving them a direction sometimes is a little bit of what they need, right? So Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. And regardless of, you know, what like you're saying, you know, you have the genetic disorder or special education or a high achieving straight A student, I as if we all have emotions and we all lit need to learn how to manage them. And by manage them, I don't mean push them down. I don't mean stop them. but it's just it's really getting to know emotions means getting to know yourself. When I feel this, this is what I'm thinking. And If I wanna feel differently, I need to think this. So you're you're shifting your beliefs, you're shifting how you know, it's responding rather than reacting, it's being proactive. so I think emotional intelligence, like the big umbrella that work goes a long way with any population that that you might be, you know, discussing. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Sure. I think that a lot for the parents too. My gosh, for the parents, know, when you're dealing with all of that, it's it it's a it's tough. It's tough to be a parent. Yeah. ⁓ Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. And it's like where where do you end and they start? You know, and how and because parents a lot oftentimes it's like you don't un you unconsciously are like taking responsibility for their feelings and their emotions and you want to fix it. And it's not r it's not your responsibility. Their emotions are their responsibility. Yeah. Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Mm. Mm-hmm. And so talk to us. How do you do that? How do you bring this together? How do you help them? Dr. Carla Caturia: So I usually use is the rise model. So my business is called the House of Rise and it stands for resiliency, identity, self, ⁓ and you know, management. So ⁓ first, as we about, you're managing your emotions. You're getting to a place where you can function. Not all the kids I work with can't function, but it might be in certain situations that you're having a panic attack or you, you know, you you can't handle it. And then from there, you start to believe in yourself, you build that confidence that you, you know, you do hard things, you become resilient. and that's through experiences and through coaching and through then ⁓ start ⁓ build that identity. So it's about parents as well as myself seeing them. Okay, we see their potential, we see their next level, we see where they what we want them to be. ⁓ And it's them through believing that, through them building resiliency and Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Resilience is a word that I don't think that I ⁓ it that I have I have I don't think that I knew that word until I a mom my ch to my son, right? Because every day all you wanna do is you wanna give up and you wanna just be like, I'm done. Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Michelle Choairy: I can't take this anymore. But you just keep doing it. You keep doing it. You're resilient. go and you figure it out. Right. I think that a lot of parents hopefully they get this point where they can look at themselves and instead of question or say, I can't do this anymore, you look back and you go, you know what? Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: I have been res resilient. I I have survived all of this and I figured I'm figuring it out. I don't have the future. I don't have everything in my hands, but I'm figuring this out. you know, when you when you do have a ⁓ complex kid, a kid who doesn't believe in themselves, and I think maybe that that's what it is. It's like you become once you realize that. you can do it, that you don't doubt yourself anymore. I anyway, I've I've fallen in love with that word, so I really like that word resilience. Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, and I think they they kids have to borrow that belief from you to begin with. Like a lot of my kids that I'm coaching, they borrow the belief. So I believe in them. I think you're the greatest musician or tennis player I've ever seen right off the bat. I'm I'm talking to you on I believe it. Yeah, how do you know the the key is getting them to believe it themselves and how they can believe that themselves is through evidence. So we're all about like evidence, seeing it, you know, we have to have evidence. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Dr. Carla Caturia: And that evidence might be something that you did, like you're saying, like I did this hard thing years ago, I can do it again. And you just have to believe, you know, you have to you have to and you have to like recognize it in yourself, like almost like celebrate it. You know, like you be you being a mom. Like, look what I did on such and such a day. ⁓ my gosh, like that was really hard and I figured it out and I did it. So this thing that I'm looking at today, I can do that just the same. I don't know if I'm gonna use the same strategies or the same skills, but I can do it. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's I call it celebrating the small wins. Like doesn't matter how small how small they are, but you have to believe that you're doing something. You gotta believe and you have to celebrate when you do something. And ⁓ know, celebrating the small wins lead to that. ⁓ I 100% I see Yeah. ⁓ Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, I mean that's what it is. It's like ev your habits become your routine, your routine becomes your life. So if you're celebrating what you think is a s small win to you, might be a big min to me, and vice versa. But no matter how small it is, do overlooking it doesn't do us any good. You know, negative self-talk doesn't do us any good, but but looking at it positively does it does a lot of good for us, right? So ⁓ I think especially with with with complex kids, I mean, they're Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Never. Yes. Yes. Dr. Carla Caturia: Your expectations of them are gonna be different. They're gonna have a different s with that being said, it's not just about praise. I was just speaking to someone else about this, but it's it's praising the effort, not necessarily the outcome. So, and hard because you're still not getting what you want from them. But ⁓ know, with that being said, are they doing the best they can with to try? Yeah. Michelle Choairy: Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Yes. Mm-hmm. Yeah, for sure. And and sometimes, like I said, it's gonna be small things, just like you said, it's the effort of even really trying do something. it it brought to mind one ep one time we in my house we going hiking one time. ⁓ never even made it to the the parking lot. And we tried that many times. And then we would get to the parking lot, and then within five minutes, we're like, no, we're done, we're leaving. This is how it is. And then one day came and was walking. We were up in the mountains, and I look back and I go, Holy shit, we're hiking. And we look back, I look back, and there is ⁓ all us, including the dog. Dr. Carla Caturia: Ha ha ha. Michelle Choairy: And we were all hiking. And so like that was a big deal. But even those little trials, we have to look at it and go, okay, well, we made it to the parking lot. All right. Today we got out of the car. Okay. And then one day you're gonna look at it and you're gonna go, hiking, right? So yes. ⁓ Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm-hmm. A hundred percent. Mm-hmm. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. And in that and that what you just also made me think of too was the consistency as well. It's and the discipline. So unfortunately a hundred times we just got to the parking lot, but that hundred and one time it was worth it because we we were on that hike. And and you know, it's I was I was rock climbing with one of my neurodivergent kids and he kept going on the same route in the gym. Michelle Choairy: ⁓ yeah. Yes. Uh-huh. Dr. Carla Caturia: And he would go up to this certain like couple minutes up and he would stop and he would drop every single time. And to say that wasn't just good like maybe he was just happy doing that? You know, like ⁓ sometimes have that expectation that they have to get to the top and they have to reach this accomplishment. Yet maybe just happy doing what he's doing right there. And that and that that that can be enough. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. For sure. You know, I you go on and you talk about identity. Talk to us a little bit about that identity. Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm. I mean, it's basically who you want to become. I think it starts with a thought of, okay, if I'm a kid, I wanna I wanna let's say, I don't play a certain instrument, you know, and before you pick up I like I work with a girl that she has the flute and she plays the flute. And in order to see yourself playing it, learning the song, doing all the things. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Dr. Carla Caturia: The first step is seeing your, you know, like obviously you need to practice and the instrument, but prior to that, you have to believe, you know, you have to see yourself as a person that plays the flute. Like I am a musician. And where it starts. And then you have to work backwards and do the things. So I think a lot of times with identity, we think, and then we say, ⁓ we're going to manifest things, and we just we think about and it comes to fruition. But Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Dr. Carla Caturia: We have to think about it and think of ourselves in that identity as well as take the inspired actions that get us to that identity as well. Yeah. Yeah. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I my daughter, she looks at me and she goes, is my life. Because she does Ariel silks, and nine. And she looks at me and she goes, Air Ariel silks is my life. This is what I love doing. And so she just pictures herself. And you know what? That girl can climb, she can do anything on those silks on Ariel. And I'm like, what is she gonna be when she grows up? And I'm like, probably work at a circus or I don't know, but this is like this is her life right now. So you know this is what she identifies with. And so of course we're here and we're you know helping her do that. With my son, it's a little bit different. sometimes it's us kind of you know like Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Michelle Choairy: he loves swimming and so we make sure that he goes swimming almost every day of the week and we're like, Okay, let's go swimming. You're a swimmer, you're a really strong swimmer. And he is. He can go down like, you know, twenty feet down in the under the water and he loves it. And so those are things and and I think that that's what you're meaning. Like they figured it out that this is what I do and I do this well. So this is what I am. ⁓ Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I think that self-belief earlier, like I work with a dancer that's eight years old and it sounds like your daughter. It's it's just like that's her life. And that's really good. And and through it's kind of like, yes, we want to build their confidence within that area, but the the point also is is that silks swimming ⁓ or it might be as an avenue to ⁓ teach the skills of, you know, resiliency or Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Dr. Carla Caturia: confidence or so she may not be in the circus, she may. Yet yeah, you know I mean may be a lawyer someday, but the but the point is is it but this, ⁓ know, this will help her, you know, you can use the skills that she, you know, sh she learns. It's just like when I started playing team sports. Like when you're on a team, you learn a whole different skill than when you were on an individual. It they're both good, but it's Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Who knows? We don't know. Exactly. Mm-hmm. Dr. Carla Caturia: It's how can we learn these skills as a child and then bring them into our adulthood, regardless of what what the avenue is. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Michelle Choairy: Yes. Yeah. One of the biggest things that we talk about, and this is not just with my son but with my daughter, is, you know, you made a commitment to be there. And so we're going to follow through with the commitments that we make. We're not just going to up for a team and then not be there for them. This is not how we work. And so, I think that that is Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: kind of what you're saying, a little bit of okay, you know, we have to learn how to do these things because this is how it's gonna be in in life. ⁓ then ⁓ Dr. Carla Caturia: And I think that that speaks to the values of your family too. Be because that's where it's at. You know, if she were being treated and and there was a problem, you wouldn't continue to send her somewhere that she was, you know. ⁓ But if it's just her, nah, I don't want to go, I'm being tired, I'm being lazy, then that's a different story. But point is, is ⁓ it's based on your your family values. Like, you know, you want them involved, you want them active, you know, what what is it? Michelle Choairy: Yes, sure. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yes. Mm-hmm. Dr. Carla Caturia: mean to your family to be a part of something. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: Yeah, yeah, for sure. So the next one is self-confidence. Talk to us for on the rise. It's the S. Dr. Carla Caturia: Hmm. Yeah. you know, that really that self-confidence and that self-esteem really comes from autonomy choice, ⁓ especially with teenagers. I'm sure, you know, your your little and I don't know how old, how old is your son? I don't know if you mentioned how old. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. My son is twelve and my daughter's nine. Yeah. Dr. Carla Caturia: He's 12, daughter's nine. Yeah. you know, it's it's we have these family values, we have these rules, we have these, you know, this is how we live our life. Yet within that, how can they build confidence? Well, doing everything for them isn't gonna isn't gonna help. Fixing everything isn't gonna help. You know, in in certain situations, you must. Yet it's how can I offer them choice from a parent's point of view or ⁓ autonomy they do it themselves within the values of our family. And that Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Dr. Carla Caturia: That builds their confidence if we're speaking, you know, about parents. So I think them trying things, them like said earlier, doing hard things, accomplishing outcomes as well as seeing progress, because I think a lot of times people focus on the outcome. It's the long term, it's the grade that they got. It's the, but what about the progress along the way? Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Dr. Carla Caturia: So if your son has this goal that he wants to swim a certain amount of speed or a certain amount of laps or whatever it is, he doesn't reach that goal, the point was, is did he put the effort in every single day and did you see the progress? And now he's swimming, he's swimming faster than he was before. And that builds his confidence. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Self-confidence, I think it just kind of aligns. And then the last one is the emotional intelligence. I like that. I want to hear about that one. Because this one is the hard one to develop though. Like, I I don't know. At least know, I especially you're young, emotional intelligence. Sometimes I don't even think that adults have that. Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm, yeah, yeah, yeah. Я Michelle Choairy: I don't know. You know, sometimes you find that adult that has no idea what that means. So I think that's a little bit of a harder thing to come about. Dr. Carla Caturia: Ha ha ha. Yeah. And I think a lot of times as children, you know, you're you go to school typically and you're taught, you know, math and science and everything. emotional regulation and and emotional intelligence and relationships is is a part to an extent. but ⁓ ultimately, if your parents didn't learn it from their parents, how are you gonna learn it? So we're just we're parented how we were parented. so I think. Having the ability to feel our emotions, having positive outlets for our emotions, and actually being able to recognize our patterns within our emotions helps us to understand ourselves. And once we understand ourselves and our patterns, then we become powerful. So it doesn't mean you're never gonna be sad again. It doesn't mean you're never going to have anxiety ever again. It means when it comes up, you know how to handle it and you can kind of I usually give the tip of like, Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Dr. Carla Caturia: Look at it with curiosity. That's the first thing you want to do. Like you right away, we assume like our emotions just ⁓ like they control us, and I'm feeling sad. So I'm this is just the way it is. Feel that sadness yet look at it with curiosity and kind of question yourself and see, you know, well, what's real where is this really coming from? And from there, then you can kind of still feel the emotion, but it doesn't have the control over you. So I think. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Dr. Carla Caturia: Emotional intelligence has to do with relationships, but it really is starting with the relationship with yourself, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I it's it's easy to just let those emotions just kind of take over be this out war ⁓ or whatever want to call it within yourself. I have that anxiety a lot. Like if I can't, I'm a fixer. if I go and I Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: cannot fix something if I cannot go in there and and get it done and fix it. Like I it it's inside of me I'm like, ⁓ my gosh, I can't fix it. I can't fix it. I can't fix it. And it's taken me a long time to be able to go, you know what? That is not fixable. I just can't do it. Like this is I I have to take this, either look at it in a different way, I'm gonna have to move on from that. And so Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm. Mm-hmm. Michelle Choairy: Because it, you know, you you have to look at it in a different way, I feel like. Or walk away. Those are the two options I think that somebody has when you have those types of emotions. But walking away, I don't think that that's the necessarily the answer to anything. But learning and like what you were saying, looking at it with curiosity, kind of trying to feel what what is it? What's going on? Yeah. Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah. Yeah. And I think to your point, you know, like the brain likes to close the open loop. So there's a problem and it's like your brain is just like, we gotta fix this. then I think it's like you said, the perspective, it's the story you're telling yourself. Like, is this really mine to to fit is this my is this even my problem? Am I taking on someone someone something else someone else should be problem solving? You know, and if it is, is mine and I own it, then ⁓ know, what can I what is under my control that I can do something about? And I do that. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. ⁓ Dr. Carla Caturia: And and then it's yeah, can I it's just I gotta detach. You know, if it if it's if you get into that unhealthy cycle, sometimes you have to detach. But ⁓ yeah, that's that's normal. You're not alone. You're not alone, but it's it's a story you tell yourself, is is all you know. Michelle Choairy: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. For sure. For sure. we have to teach that to our kids, right? We have to teach it to them. But if we don't know how to do it, we better learn hurry and learn because we gotta teach them. They need to they need to be able to understand that. So yeah. Okay. No, no, go ahead. You're go ahead and finish your thought. Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. And I think the only, yeah, go ahead. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was gonna say the I was gonna say, because like you said, we have to teach them that. And the only way to of approach them in such a way that they can learn that is to to regulate ourselves first. So approaching it, approaching it in the most grounded way we can to then and model that for our kids and and t be vulnerable and tell them when. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Dr. Carla Caturia: we aren't able to handle it and how you know, and how we then fixed it and overcame it and and made it work for ourselves. And they learn from from your and and your vulnerability with them as well. So yeah. Michelle Choairy: Mm-hmm. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Okay, well, we're getting towards the end of the episode here, and I always ask this question. So, you know, think of the listeners right now. They are usually the majority of them are moms with the complex kiddos. I to know if there's one thing that you would like for them to leave today with, something that you really truly that they should know. ⁓ What is one thing? Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, I think the one thing is that they're doing the best they can with the s skills and with what they know right now. ⁓ any point if they want to try something new, try it. You can shift who you are at any point. If you learn one different way to say something or one different way to ⁓ or deep whatever it is, even if you've done something for 10 years the same way, ⁓ at point you can shift it and you can ⁓ you you can use a new skill or step into a new identity. So to just have patience with yourself ⁓ you know, I applaud you for trying new things. Yeah. Yeah. Michelle Choairy: Love that. Well, thank you so much. right. Well, tell everyone where they can find you ⁓ and in ⁓ media or wherever. Dr. Carla Caturia: Mm-hmm. Yeah, and social media it's just under my name, Dr. Carla Katuria, you know, Instagram, YouTube, Facebook. you can find me there. I have a bunch of, you know, videos and and you could take a look at and see if there's any tips you can get from from what I present. Yeah. Yeah. Michelle Choairy: Awesome. And we will also have all the n on on the notes too. So when the episode c airs, will be all on there for you guys to look at. Well, Dr. thank you so much for coming on the show. I really appreciate it. I think that it actually gave me something to think about for this afternoon on what it that doing and how I'm teaching emotional intelligence to my kids. So I appreciate you coming on for everybody else we will see you next week. Dr. Carla Caturia: Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. Michelle Choairy: All right. Bye bye everyone.